BAY ST. LOUIS, MS—Expressing frustration that another 9 billion pounds of their friends and family had been consumed last year by humans alone, the world’s shrimp population admitted Wednesday that they had assumed the visible string of shit they evolved would have gone further in deterring predators. “You’d think if you were a predator and you saw an animal whose translucent body showcased a long line of foul excrement stretching through its intestine to its anus, you’d want to eat something else—but nope,” said local shrimp Rocco DiScampi, 2, adding that while the humiliating trait had emerged over more than 300 million years of natural selection, it apparently still wasn’t disgusting enough to stop the species from being preyed upon. “The oceans are absolutely teeming with sources of protein that do not have a thick tube of feces continuously showing through their abdomens. So why eat us? I mean, look at me! I have a 3-inch-long filthy asshole!” The shrimp added that he wouldn’t eat that shit as a last resort, let alone pay for the privilege of doing so at a Michelin-starred restaurant.
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