You Are A Single Parent
Sorry, but hating you is their only option.
Your Child Draws A Red X On Your Forehead
Your spouse got a green checkmark on theirs.
Will Only Suckle Mother
What do her nipples have that yours don’t?
You Actually Desperately Wanted Kids Whereas Your Spouse Was Only Lukewarm On Having Them
Your kids can smell the stink of your desperation a mile away.
Tells Judge They Want To Live With Daddy
They Did Not Like The Salmon You Made For Dinner
That’s it, that’s all it takes and now the pendulum has swung and you’re the enemy.
Boos You During The Bedtime Story
But 10 minutes later, your spouse gets begged to read the whole fucking thing. Twice.
Your Child Chose To Attend A College That Cost $50,000 A Semester To Study Dance
This was to spite you.
While you’re at work, your kids are interviewing candidates who can quickly take your place as soon as the divorce they’re praying for takes place.
Your Kids Refuse To Invest In Your Latest Surefire Venture
Sure, you’ve made promises before, but this one really can’t miss and they can be a part of it for only a couple grand each.
Refers To You As “That Total Nonentity” In Valedictorian Speech
You may be “some nobody,” but at least they got a 4.0.
John Lennon Pens The Song “How Can You Sleep?” About You
This classic cut from Imagine with its acerbic digs and Phil Spector’s wall of sound production is a surefire sign that you’ve failed as a parent.
They Tell Everyone Their Real Dad Is Harry Connick Jr.
Hard not to take this personally when you’ve told them repeatedly how intimidated you are by the raw talent and range of the charming multi-hyphenate.
You’re Their Father
A simple rule of thumb to remember when thinking about who could be the favorite parent is that it’s Mom.
False Molestation Accusations
It’s a hardcore maneuver, but then again, your kids do hate your guts.
Your Son Murders You And Marries Your Wife
In accordance with an unspeakable prophecy, your son kills you and takes your place on the throne with his own mother as queen.
You Suck As Person
Kids are more observant than we think, and if you’re a complete waste of a human being, your son or daughter will likely pick up on it and want to distance themselves from you.
Asking Pets To Assist Them With Homework
When your spouse is working late, they’d rather see what the cat knows about fractions than get your help.
Your Child Regularly Plants Your DNA At Crime Scenes
Even when your spouse was the one who committed them!
They Make You Drop Them Off For School In A Neighboring State
It says a lot about your relationship that they would rather hitchhike the 60 miles back from the border each morning rather than risk being seen in the same car as you on the nine-block drive from your home to the high school.
60 Conspirators Stab You In The Back On The Roman Senate Floor While Your Adoptive Son Looks On
After everything you’ve done for your erstwhile ally, it might sting to be repeatedly stabbed until you bleed out in the Senate, but ultimately this is a teaching moment: Take the lesson and learn from it.
You’re Portrayed Unfavorably In Every Drawing
There’s no way your nose is that big. And last time you checked, you didn’t have horns, a pitchfork, or multiple gunshot wounds.
Your Child Went On A 600-Mile Quest Through The Mountains To Find And Kill You
If they learned martial arts and vowed to destroy you via the mighty blade if they ever found you, you might have some work to do.
They Leave A Turnip On Your Pillow
Per Eastern European tradition, your children are either signaling to you that you are their least favorite parent, or they are trying to ward off Baba Yaga.
Children Eat You First After Your Covered Wagon Gets Stuck In A Blizzard
Children vote with their mouths and hungry stomachs on whether they prefer their mother or father.
You Haven’t Seen Your Children In Over 20 Years Since You Abandoned The Family
Contrary to the old adage that absence makes the heart grow fonder, most kids prefer the parent who stayed home and raised them through their childhood.
They Vow To End You
Of course it hurts when your child looks you in the eye and whispers “tick tock, bitch, time’s almost up,” but the best thing to do is remember this kind of favoritism is perfectly normal in children under 4.