Not everyone can drink rotten juice and look smart while doing it. Here are several signs you’ve become a total wine snob.
You Can Tell Where Wine Is From Just By Looking At The Bottle
You’re a little too into wine if you’re giving the label more than a passing glance!
You Can Pronounce “Grape” Correctly
Just call it the “round purple fruit”; everyone will understand.
You Only Drink Beer
No wine is good enough for you.
You Live In An Oak Barrel
It may be pretentious, but it’s the only way to ensure that everything you taste has a smooth, velvety finish.
Your Basement Has A Wine Sewer
It’s important to keep wine between 55 and 57 degrees Fahrenheit, even after it exits your urethra.
You Don’t Associate With Anyone Born During A Bad Vintage Year
People born the same year as that atrocious 1991 Bordeaux cannot be trusted and need to get out of your life.
Operating A Corkscrew Comes Naturally To You
It simply dances in your hands!
You Insist On Drinking Wine From Before 79 B.C.E.
The only wine good enough for you has to be stolen from the ruins of Pompeii.
The Townspeople Of Bordeaux Use You To Frighten Their Children Into Obedience
If French parents warn their little darlings to be good or else the Wine Beast will come for them, it may be a sign you’re too committed to the oenophile lifestyle.
You Refuse To Drink Out Of Crazy Straws
While a layman would find no issue with the improper stemware accessory, you scoff at anything other than a traditional metal straw.
You Have A Fermentation Tank Attached To Your House Keys
That has to be uncomfortable in your pocket, right?
You Don’t Drink Wine Right Out Of Your Hands Like The Boys Down At The Docks
You’ve lost your blue collar roots if you’re not slurping the stuff right out of your palms like your longshoreman buds do.
You Can Tell The Difference Between Wines Just By Barfing Them
The tannins really bloom when they’re on the way back up.
You Correct People When They Call Wine “Beer”
Though well-intentioned, correcting people on the subtle minutiae of wine can come across as condescending to casual drinkers.
You Know Why You’re Swirling Your Wine In The Glass
Everyone knows to try to make the little tornado in your glass, but only aficionados know what this does.
You’ve Murdered A Sommelier
That ought to teach anyone to challenge your knowledge of early 20th-century reds.
You Have Been Kicked Out Of Multiple Treatment Centers
Your friends and family just care about your well-being.
Your Finances Are In Shambles
A bottle under $50 is not even worth eyeing.