Signs You Will Never Actually Be Able To Retire

Signs You Will Never Actually Be Able To Retire

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Even if you work hard and save all your life, nowadays, that still may not be enough to get you through the six months of freedom you’ll have until you die. Here are several signs you may never actually be able to retire.

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You Turn 65 During One Of The Increasingly Frequent Meltdowns Of The Global Economy

You Turn 65 During One Of The Increasingly Frequent Meltdowns Of The Global Economy

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Welcome to your 70s as a Walmart greeter.

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Manager Says You’re Not Allowed To

Manager Says You’re Not Allowed To

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Can’t argue with the boss.

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You Never Got A Call Back From Jeopardy

You Never Got A Call Back From Jeopardy

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Those unable to build a nest egg from the hit trivia competition show may be forced to consider riskier options such as Wheel Of Fortune and Family Feud.

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A Two-Headed Goat Has Been Born in Milord’s Lands

A Two-Headed Goat Has Been Born in Milord’s Lands

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An ill portent for retirement, Your Grace.

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Children

Children

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These leeches will bleed you of every penny for the rest of your life.

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You Have Thus Far Been Unable To Convince Jamiroquai Or The Court System That You Deserve A Portion Of The Songwriting Royalties For Virtual Insanity

You Have Thus Far Been Unable To Convince Jamiroquai Or The Court System That You Deserve A Portion Of The Songwriting Royalties For Virtual Insanity

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They just haven’t found your arguments convincing enough.

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You May One Day Have Something Wrong With Your Health

You May One Day Have Something Wrong With Your Health

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Having medical expenses is a huge no-no when it comes to a retirement plan.

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Your Financial Advisor Stole It All

Your Financial Advisor Stole It All

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It may be cold comfort, but at least he’ll be able to retire when he’s 45.

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Fewer MVPs Than Michael Jordan

Fewer MVPs Than Michael Jordan

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At this rate, time is running out to cement your legacy as all-time greatest.

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The CEO Quickly Said ‘If You Want To Work Forever Say What’ and You Said ‘What’

The CEO Quickly Said ‘If You Want To Work Forever Say What’ and You Said ‘What’

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Them’s the breaks, kid.

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The File Is Too Large To Send Over Email

The File Is Too Large To Send Over Email

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There’s no way you’ll figure this one out before your 60th birthday.

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Your Credit Score Is Too Low To Get Into Heaven

Your Credit Score Is Too Low To Get Into Heaven

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If you don’t want to get denied entry into Heaven, you’ll need to keep working a few more decades until you can get that score into the 700 range.

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Your Kids Are Creative Types

Your Kids Are Creative Types

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Who knows how many more years of support they’ll need?

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No One Comes To Your Retirement Party

No One Comes To Your Retirement Party

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If no one shows up to your retirement party, then it’s clear that your employer and fellow colleagues don’t recognize your retirement and that you’ll need to keep working.

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You’re Working Three Jobs Just To Afford Staying At A Nursing Home

You’re Working Three Jobs Just To Afford Staying At A Nursing Home

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Not to mention that your grandchildren need you to cover their shifts this weekend.

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You Fucked Up Your Pension

You Fucked Up Your Pension

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Thirty years as a plumber and then you had to go and shoot a guy on your last week?

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You Live Frugally, Avoid Debt, And Invest Whatever Is Left Over

You Live Frugally, Avoid Debt, And Invest Whatever Is Left Over

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This misguided approach originates in a prank memo that executives at Goldman Sachs passed around in 1898 and was never meant to be taken seriously.

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You’re Constantly Haunted By A Graph With A Downward Red Arrow

You’re Constantly Haunted By A Graph With A Downward Red Arrow

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No matter how much you swat at it, it just won’t go away.

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You Did Everything Right And It Still Wasn’t Enough

You Did Everything Right And It Still Wasn’t Enough

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Tough break.

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