CHICAGO—Touting the new product as a nourishing and blazing-hot way to give newborns their daily nutrients, Similac introduced a new ghost pepper infant formula this week. “Our new formula contains 70% of a growing baby’s daily nutrients plus a tongue-scorching 1,000,000 Scoville Heat Units per serving,” said Kristin Cornell, spokesperson for Similac parent company Abbott Laboratories, bragging that only the bravest of newborns would dare to try an infant formula over 50,000 times hotter than any other on the market. “This isn’t your grandmother’s infant formula—this is for newborns who turn up their nose at the bland offerings on grocery store shelves and want to kick it up a notch with a searing punch of capsaicin in every sip. Whether used as a supplement to breastfeeding or as a substitute for it, this ass-burning formula gives mothers a bold new option for testing their infants’ abilities to test spices and withstand pain. We guarantee that this’ll get even the most daring newborn shitting flames and crying tears of mercy in no time.” Reached for comment, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommended that infants with a flair for risk skip the ghost pepper formula and instead try Gerber’s new baby food made with real deadly nightshade berries.
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