7/31/2006 - How Are We Distracting Ourselves?

7/31/2006 - Report: Not Even Green Tea Can Help You Now

7/31/2006 - Employees Still Have No Idea What's Going On After Attending Meeting

7/31/2006 - Chicago Mandates Living Wage

7/31/2006 - Area Man Calls For Immediate Release Of His Endorphins

7/30/2006 - U.S. Takes Out Debt-Consolidation Loan

7/29/2006 - Man Defends Cartoon Character With Unexpected Vigor

7/28/2006 - The Cast of VH1's "I Love The '80s"

7/28/2006 - Mass Transit Use Increases

7/28/2006 - Ken Lay's Corpse Sentenced To Prison

7/28/2006 - Recently Orphaned Child No Longer Enamored Of Bears

7/28/2006 - Nonprofit Fights Poverty With Poverty

7/27/2006 - July 17, 1963

7/27/2006 - Motocrosser Quits After Learning Physics

7/27/2006 - Grieving Tiger Woods Convinced Everyone Let Him Win British Open

7/27/2006 - Israel Requests NATO Help

7/27/2006 - David Stern Defends New NBA Basketball Design

7/27/2006 - Negro Leagues Hall Of Fame Indicts Ty Cobb

7/27/2006 - Tour De France Highlights

7/27/2006 - Tony Stewart Calls Upcoming Allstate 400 'A Great Opportunity To Kill Someone'

7/27/2006 - On Tour De France Being Won By An American For Eight Consecutive Years

7/27/2006 - A-Rod Also Leading Yankees In Grammatical Errors

7/27/2006 - God Tentatively Renews Human Life Through 2007

7/26/2006 - Nuclear Waste Accumulating

7/26/2006 - Your Horoscope

7/26/2006 - Illiterate Spirit Frustrates Ouija- Board Players

7/26/2006 - Boyfriend Not To Be Trusted With Netflix Queue

7/26/2006 - Parents' Alternatives to Corporal Punishment

7/26/2006 - Mariachi Band Has No Idea Your Mother Just Died

7/26/2006 - Child Soldier Promoted To Child Private 1st Class

7/26/2006 - Grief Counselors Flown Over Guantanamo Bay

7/26/2006 - I'm Thinking About Getting Into Office Politics

7/26/2006 - I Just Assumed The Hobo With The Top Hat Was The One In Charge

7/26/2006 - Wikipedia Celebrates 750 Years Of American Independence

7/26/2006 - Kevin Smith's Career Highlights

7/25/2006 - Postmaster General Loses Laptop; Zip-Code Data Of Millions At Risk

7/25/2006 - Orlando Murder Rate Up

7/25/2006 - Indonesian Factory Celebrates 'Bring Your Parents To Work' Day

7/25/2006 - Sparrow Aviation Administration Blames Collision On Failure To Detect Pane Of Glass

7/24/2006 - Voting Rights Act Extended

7/24/2006 - Report: Everything Made In Sweatshops

7/24/2006 - Report: 47% Of Satellites Currently Monitoring Celebrity Parenting

7/24/2006 - Hopeless Romantic Beaten Up By Coworker's Husband

7/23/2006 - Inner-City Stabbing Leaves Five Maidless

7/23/2006 - Senate Softball Team Loses Against Local Bar

7/22/2006 - Fountain Simulates Vomiting Lion

7/21/2006 - Area Senior Suspects Grandchild's Visit Just Some Sort Of Class Assignment

7/21/2006 - Ancient Shopping List Shows Early Man Really Loved Meat

7/21/2006 - Stem-Cell Science Vetoed

7/21/2006 - Will Man Ever Put Nukes On The Moon?

7/21/2006 - U.S. Soldiers Ask Rumsfeld If They Could Get Surprise Visit From Loved Ones Instead

7/20/2006 - Gay Games vs. Outgames

7/20/2006 - Selig: Next All-Star Game To Determine U.S. Foreign Policy

7/20/2006 - Jose Canseco Names 10,000 Baseball Players

7/20/2006 - Rob Zombie To Crash At Your Place For Couple Of Days

7/20/2006 - Brett Myers Atones For Punching Wife With Solid Seven-Inning Outing

7/20/2006 - CBS Laser-Etches Eggs

7/20/2006 - On What We'll Remember Most About The 2006 World Cup

7/20/2006 - Mascot Community Still Reeling After Benny The Bull's Misdemeanor Battery Charge

7/20/2006 - PNC Park Threatens To Leave Pittsburgh Unless Better Team Is Built

7/20/2006 - Barbaro's Doctors: 'A Horse This Good You Don't Eat All At Once'

7/20/2006 - July 20, 1925

7/19/2006 - Bush Arrives At Caribbean Summit Aboard Catamaran One

7/19/2006 - Dan Rather's Career Highlights

7/19/2006 - Your Horoscope

7/19/2006 - Boston's Big-Dig Fiasco

7/19/2006 - What Are We Doing On Our Lunch Breaks?

7/19/2006 - Microwave Used As Alarm Clock

7/19/2006 - International Atom Registry Allows Customers To Name Atom After Loved One

7/19/2006 - Old Gypsy Woman Run Over Without Consequence

7/19/2006 - Child Assured Most Monsters Do Not Exist

7/19/2006 - Sometimes I Wish I'd Never Been Born Again

7/19/2006 - Pentagon Develops New Tank To Defend Marriage

7/19/2006 - I Kinda Had A Breakdown

7/19/2006 - Scratch 'N Win Ballots To Debut In November

7/18/2006 - Bush Quietly Rolls Back Iraq Death Toll To Zero

7/18/2006 - North Korea Keeps Nukes

7/18/2006 - Area Man Says This Is The Year He Stops Eating Bologna

7/18/2006 - U.S. Trendsetters Go On Strike

7/17/2006 - $18 Payment To Sponsored Child Withheld To Teach Child A Lesson

7/17/2006 - Deadlocked Supreme Court: 'Someone's Voting Twice'

7/17/2006 - Voice-Activated GPS System Takes Top Gun Soundtrack Fan Into The Danger Zone

7/17/2006 - Hypoallergenic Cats

7/16/2006 - CEO Has Female Sex Organs

7/15/2006 - Shiny Network Debuts

7/14/2006 - President Bush To Airdrop His Texas Chili Recipe To Third World Countries

7/14/2006 - Year in Pictures: 2005

7/13/2006 - Year in Pictures: 2004

7/12/2006 - Orange-Alert Sirens To Blow 24 Hours A Day In Major Cities

7/12/2006 - Year in Pictures: 2003

7/11/2006 - Zombie Nutritionist Recommends All-Brain Diet

7/11/2006 - Year in Pictures: 2002

7/10/2006 - Hamm's Beer Bear Found Dead In Flop Zoo

7/10/2006 - Year in Pictures: 2001

7/9/2006 - Christ To Marry Longtime Backup Singer

7/8/2006 - Animal-Rights Activists Release 70,000 Cows Back Into Wild

7/7/2006 - Mars Lander Staggers Into NASA Headquarters Drunk, Broke

7/7/2006 - Year in Pictures: 2000

7/6/2006 - The Onion News For Kids

7/6/2006 - Year in Pictures: 1999

7/5/2006 - Court Takes Custody Of Harley From Unfit Motorcycle Mama

7/4/2006 - Clinton Unveils New Prize Hopping-Toad

7/3/2006 - Zsa-Zsa Or Eva Gabor Dead

7/2/2006 - Body Of Missing Mad Magazine Reporter Found In Blecchistan

7/1/2006 - U.S. Middlemen Demand Protection From Being Cut Out