Sitemap: 2006 May | The Onion

5/31/2006 - Top Summer Jobs

5/31/2006 - Rodeo Clown Bleeding On The Inside

5/31/2006 - Heavily Starched Shirt Only Thing Keeping Larry King Upright

5/31/2006 - Guns N' Roses Album Delay

5/31/2006 - Who's A Girl Gotta Fuck To Get Some Closure On Her Relationship With Her Father?

5/31/2006 - Today's Funeral-Goers Want To Be Entertained

5/31/2006 - Workplace Shooting Planned On Company Time

5/31/2006 - Secret Service Agent Not So Secret About Being David Alan Grier Fan

5/31/2006 - Critics Blast Al Gore's Documentary As 'Realistic'

5/31/2006 - New Triple-X Dinosaur Park Opens In Nevada

5/31/2006 - Your Horoscope

5/31/2006 - Graduation Speech Suggests Valedictorian Is Pregnant

5/31/2006 - Bush Seals Seized Records

5/30/2006 - Israeli PM: 'One More Suicide Bombing And I'll Give Them Whatever They Want'

5/30/2006 - Recently Unearthed E-Mail Reveals What Life Was Like In 1995

5/30/2006 - School Monitors Student Blogs

5/29/2006 - Series Finale Of Will & Grace Ends Eight-Year Truce Between Gay, Straight Communities

5/29/2006 - U.S. Proposes European Missile Defense System

5/29/2006 - Man Being Dragged By Bus Leaves Hilarious Phone Message

5/28/2006 - Government Report On Illiteracy Copied Straight From Encyclopedia

5/27/2006 - Immigration Officials Beef Up U.S.-Mexico Border With Pure Beef

5/26/2006 - Hall Monitor Ready To Talk Deal

5/26/2006 - Columbia House Launches Subscription Meds Program

5/26/2006 - Is It Time To Forget About Afghanistan?

5/26/2006 - .xxx Rejected

5/25/2006 - Sam Cassell Returns To Home Planet Following Clippers' Playoff Elimination

5/25/2006 - May 26, 1996

5/25/2006 - On The 10th Anniversary Of The WNBA

5/25/2006 - Great Moments In Interleague Play

5/25/2006 - Ricky Williams: 'I'm Looking Forward To Being A Toronto Hydroponic'

5/25/2006 - MLB To Place Asterisk, Pound Sign, Exclamation Point, Letter 'F' Next To Bonds' Name In Record Books

5/25/2006 - God Admits He's Addicted To Babies

5/25/2006 - MLB Fines Russ Springer Negative $50,000 For Throwing At Bonds

5/25/2006 - Doctors: Still 50-50 Chance That Broken Bone Will Mean Euthanasia For Matsui

5/25/2006 - Columbine Video Game Stirs Controversy

5/25/2006 - Tim Duncan Fires Up Teammates With Calm, Moderated, Three-Hour Pep Talk

5/24/2006 - Preventing Illegal Immigration

5/24/2006 - There's No One I Haven't Seen Naked

5/24/2006 - Hillary Clinton Is Too Ambitious To Be The First Female President

5/24/2006 - Many Native Americans Still Hold Traditional Beliefs About White Man

5/24/2006 - Savion Glover Taps His Way Out Of Another Speeding Ticket

5/24/2006 - Bush Puts National Guard In Charge Of Public Relations

5/24/2006 - Pregnant Woman Glows With Rage

5/24/2006 - Your Horoscope

5/24/2006 - Puerto Rico Celebrates Dependence Day

5/24/2006 - Cigarette Tax Hike To Pay For Iraq War

5/24/2006 - Failed Organic Products

5/24/2006 - Passengers Bravely Take Down Plane Showing Big Momma's House 2

5/24/2006 - Beloved's Controversial Award

5/24/2006 - Obese BIllionaire Opens World's Largest Gravy Park

5/23/2006 - Chinese Employers To Grant 15-Minute Maternity Break

5/23/2006 - President Bush Invokes Executive Super Powers

5/23/2006 - Italian Troops Out Of Iraq

5/22/2006 - Tom Cruise Removes Baby Pictures From Tabloid Magazines With High-Level Mental Powers

5/22/2006 - NSA Spying On Journalists

5/22/2006 - Insecure Brian Williams Only One Who Doesn't Trust Brian Williams For Latest News

5/21/2006 - Horrifying Clamato Nursery Discovered In Mott's Dungeon

5/20/2006 - Area Grasshopper Kind Of A Thorax Man Himself

5/19/2006 - Da Vinci Code Released

5/19/2006 - I Never Really Learned To Read

5/19/2006 - Don Knotts, Richard Pryor Team Up For Madcap Haunting

5/18/2006 - Libya To Help U.S.Spread Democracy

5/18/2006 - Overacting Manu Ginobili Takes Charge, Plays Dead

5/18/2006 - Mad Sabermetrician Creates The Perfect Baseball Player's Statistics

5/18/2006 - Frank Thomas Draws Greatest Walk In Baseball History

5/18/2006 - FBI Agent Is Pretty Cool

5/18/2006 - MLB Unveils New Prostate-Cancer-Awareness Bats

5/18/2006 - On Justin Gatlin Becoming World's Fastest Man

5/18/2006 - American Soccer Fans Prepare For World Cup By Pushing Each Other Through Chain-Link Fences

5/18/2006 - Great Indy 500 Moments

5/18/2006 - Report: President Isiah Thomas Has No Exit Strategy For Knicks

5/17/2006 - Heroic Computer Dies To Save World From Master's Thesis

5/17/2006 - Estate Sale Proves Everything Man Worked For In Life Worth $5,235.78

5/17/2006 - Ailing Americans Eagerly Await Summer Organ Harvest

5/17/2006 - Oil Executives March On D.C.

5/17/2006 - Troops To Darfur

5/16/2006 - Fred Schneider Delivers Jarring Commencement Speech

5/16/2006 - CIA Nominee Violated Privacy

5/15/2006 - Do Waiters Always Have To Swear So Much?

5/15/2006 - After 25 Years, I Finally Figured Out How To Impress High-School Girls

5/15/2006 - Your Horoscope

5/15/2006 - Why Are We Putting Ourselves Through This?

5/15/2006 - Gold At 26-Year High

5/15/2006 - Clooney Scouting Locations For Darfur-Based Romantic Comedy

5/15/2006 - Baby Doesn’t Realize It's A White Supremacist Yet

5/15/2006 - Novelist Thinks People Shrug 10 Times More Than They Actually Do

5/15/2006 - Coworker Most Valuable To Office When He Fails To Show Up

5/15/2006 - Local Man's Fear Of Snakes Increases With Each Snakebite

5/15/2006 - Boy's Whale-Song Imitation Not Helping Anything

5/15/2006 - U.S. Infant-Mortality High

5/15/2006 - Palmolive Attacks Dawn For Coddling Grease

5/14/2006 - Man Gives Up Trying To Get Coat Back From Former Girlfriend

5/13/2006 - Shadow Government Attracts Shadow Protesters

5/12/2006 - Uncomfortable Scandinavian Furniture You Can't Afford

5/12/2006 - Drug Tested On Children

5/11/2006 - On Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s First Win In 28 Starts

5/11/2006 - John Daly: 'I Lost $1 Million In The Earl Woods Death Pool'

5/11/2006 - Steve Nash Calls Second Consecutive MVP Award 'Some Kind Of Sick Joke'

5/11/2006 - Sole Survivor Of Plane Crash Suffering From Survivor's Pride

5/11/2006 - Jim Leyland Accused Of Jumping On Tigers Bandwagon

5/11/2006 - Spurs Issue Press Release Announcing Their Elimination of Kings

5/11/2006 - Bruins Sign Future Flyers All-Star To Three-Year Deal

5/11/2006 - Great But Lesser-Known Home Runs

5/11/2006 - Roger Clemens' Family Offers Him One-Year, $10 Million Contract

5/11/2006 - Iran's President Offers Advice

5/10/2006 - 347 Locals Identify Slain Prostitute

5/10/2006 - Sherpa Can Already Tell You're Not Going To Make It

5/10/2006 - Congressman Fucks Own Wife Out Of Political Necessity

5/10/2006 - High-Culture Wars Heat Up Over Controversial New Opera

5/10/2006 - Your Horoscope

5/10/2006 - I Can't Believe I'm Dying In Such A Clichéd Manner

5/10/2006 - I'm Doing My Inconsequential Part For The Environment

5/10/2006 - Local Band Attempts To Track Down Mysterious Visitor To Its Website

5/10/2006 - Kofi Annan Places 4,000-Pound Wreath On Mass Grave

5/10/2006 - Where Are We Proposing

5/10/2006 - May Sweeps

5/10/2006 - Mr. Special Foreign Man Won't Read Anything Not Written In His Own Language

5/10/2006 - Hormel Makes Compelling Case For Man's Last $2.39

5/10/2006 - Study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How Drunk You Are

5/10/2006 - New 'Anti-Abortion Pill' Kills Mother, Leaves Fetus Alive

5/10/2006 - Conservationist Wastes His Breath

5/10/2006 - Kennedy Re-Enters Rehab

5/9/2006 - British: UFOs Aren't Real

5/9/2006 - Control Freak Always Has To Be One To Perform Heimlich Maneuver

5/8/2006 - Al-Jazeera In English?

5/6/2006 - Area Hunchback Has Voice Of Television Announcer

5/5/2006 - Tornado Improves Tennessee Property Values

5/5/2006 - FDA Still Against Medical Pot

5/5/2006 - Outlive Your Kids

5/4/2006 - Billy Crystal Finds Way To Talk About Loving Mickey Mantle At Charity Golf Event

5/4/2006 - Johnny Damon Probably Thinking About Starting A Band

5/4/2006 - Conditions Ideal For Eating Competition

5/4/2006 - On Whether Or Not You've Been Watching The NHL Playoffs

5/4/2006 - Baldwin Institute Successfully Maps Baldwin Genome

5/4/2006 - Great Moments In Kentucky Derby History

5/4/2006 - Wig-Wearing Mike Tyson Retires From Foxy-Boxing

5/4/2006 - World Of Outlaws Race Broken Up By Police

5/4/2006 - SC Sex Toy Ban Proposed

5/4/2006 - Sportscaster Hates When People Discuss Sports With Him Off Set

5/3/2006 - Most Popular Ingredients By State

5/3/2006 - New Government Tax Rebates

5/3/2006 - Bill Cosby Announces Dates For U.S. College Commencement Tour

5/3/2006 - Universal Remote Latest Step In Area Man's Plan For Total Living Room Domination

5/3/2006 - Sorry To Bother, But Might You Have An EpiPen I Can Use Immediately?

5/3/2006 - I Know Why The Mounted Fish Sings

5/3/2006 - Your Horoscope

5/3/2006 - Hussein Court Shocked By Ironclad Alibi

5/3/2006 - Bleary-Eyed Coworker Up All Night Generating More Work For You

5/3/2006 - Life Coach Has Losing Record

5/3/2006 - Comic-Book Superrman Impervious To Copyediting

5/3/2006 - Roommate Deemed Too Incompetent To Clean Bathroom

5/3/2006 - Voyeur Concerned About Lack Of Sex In Neighbors' Marriage

5/3/2006 - NASA Announces Plan To Launch $700 Million Into Space

5/3/2006 - Illegal Immigrants Returning To Mexico For American Jobs

5/3/2006 - Midwest Mumps Epidemic

5/2/2006 - Diamond Dave Axed Again

5/2/2006 - New Bill Will Send Illegal Immigrants To Iraq

5/1/2006 - Bush's New Press Secretary

5/1/2006 - Russian-Folk-Festival Crowd Unknowingly Claps Along To Ode To Sodomy