Sitemap: 2007 April | The Onion

4/30/2007 - Report: 70 Percent Of All Praise Sarcastic

4/30/2007 - Rapper-Turned-Actor Turns Orthodontist

4/30/2007 - Area Woman's Entire Day Ruined By Bangs

4/30/2007 - Rosie Leaving The View

4/30/2007 - April 30, 1992

4/30/2007 - Prospective Student Had Most Fun Getting Drunk At Arizona State

4/29/2007 - Area Man Somehow Even Less Popular Than He Was In High School

4/28/2007 - Organizers Fear Terrorist Attacks On Upcoming Al-Qaeda Convention

4/28/2007 - Don Cheadle 'Riveting' In Coffee Shop Purchase

4/27/2007 - MLB Credits Hank Aaron With 50 Lost Home Runs

4/27/2007 - Pentacle Allowed On Veterans' Tombstones

4/27/2007 - The 10 Products That Will Make You A Good Parent

4/27/2007 - International Star Registry Accidently Renames Sun 'Margaret'

4/27/2007 - Editorial Cartoon - April 27, 2007

4/27/2007 - Local Authorities More Than Happy To Let FBI Take Over

4/26/2007 - Oregon Governor On Food Stamps

4/26/2007 - Jeff Gordon Celebrates Equaling Earnhardt's Win Record With Giant Flag Honoring Jeff Gordon

4/26/2007 - Kobe Bryant Still Shocked Every Time He Makes A Jump Shot

4/26/2007 - NFL's New Code Of Conduct

4/26/2007 - On The Tragic Death Of Writer David Halberstam

4/26/2007 - Floyd Mayweather Nervous That Training For De La Hoya Fight Has Not Involved Throwing Single Punch

4/26/2007 - David Eckstein Hints To Parents That He Wants Birthday Cake Designed Like Hamburger

4/26/2007 - Garden State Some Poor Fuck's Favorite Movie

4/26/2007 - Pizza Hut's New Pizza-Lover's Pizza Topped With Smaller Pizzas

4/26/2007 - Hideki Matsui Can't Believe He Didn't Homer During Every At Bat In Single-A Ball

4/26/2007 - Middle East Conflict Intensifies As Blah Blah Blah, Etc. Etc.

4/25/2007 - Weird Kid Shines During Dissection Project

4/25/2007 - Goldfish Teetering On Edge Of Sanity

4/25/2007 - Gaze Upon My Baseball Cap Collection And Try To Remain Unmoved

4/25/2007 - What Are We Looking For In A College?

4/25/2007 - Female Boss Walking Around Like She Owns The Place

4/25/2007 - It Wuz Always 'Bout Tha Numbahs

4/25/2007 - Unsolved Hip-Hop Crimes

4/25/2007 - Your Horoscope

4/25/2007 - Law Enforcement

4/25/2007 - President Bush Reaches Out To Nation's Fallen Bees

4/25/2007 - Boris Yeltsin Dead

4/24/2007 - FBI Discontinues Witness-Protection Parade

4/24/2007 - Man Shows Up At Arcade With Own Set Of Skee Balls

4/24/2007 - Mayor Daley's Son Appointed Head Of Illinois Nepotist Party

4/24/2007 - Caricaturist's Self-Portrait Extremely Forgiving

4/24/2007 - No Baghdad Wall

4/23/2007 - Even CEO Can't Figure Out How RadioShack Still In Business

4/23/2007 - Antipsychotics Reduce Sex Drive

4/23/2007 - Long Talk Seems To Satisfy Girlfriend

4/23/2007 - Cheney Celebrates Earth Day By Breathing Oxygen

4/22/2007 - Terry Gilliam Barbecue Plagued By Production Delays

4/21/2007 - State Bird Reconsidered After Latest Wren Attack

4/21/2007 - Street Evangelist Saves 300 Souls From Enjoying Park

4/20/2007 - SalAkshmi Split

4/20/2007 - 'Partial-Birth Abortion' Ban Upheld

4/20/2007 - NASA To Crack Down On Practical Jokes

4/20/2007 - Editorial Cartoon - April 20, 2007

4/20/2007 - Love Letter Made Longer By Increasing Margins

4/20/2007 - 'This American Life' Completes Documentation Of Liberal, Upper-Middle-Class Existence

4/19/2007 - Brady Quinn: 'I'm Going To Be A Bust'

4/19/2007 - MLB Offers Collectible Baseball Signed By Every Player In League

4/19/2007 - ESPN Interrupts Drew Bledsoe's Retirement Speech To Air Commercials

4/19/2007 - On University Of Texas' Kevin Durant Entering NBA Draft After Only One Year Of College

4/19/2007 - Birthday Candles Puked Out

4/19/2007 - Biggest Busts In The History Of The NFL Draft

4/19/2007 - FDA Rarely Inspects Imported Food

4/19/2007 - Albert Pujols Can't Bring Self To Hit Against Ex-Teammate Jeff Suppan

4/19/2007 - NFL Draft In Chaos As Mel Kiper's Big Board Is Knocked Over

4/19/2007 - Tim Duncan's Sincere Apology Confuses Referee Enough To Eject Him From Game

4/19/2007 - Area Man Realizes He's Not The Cool Uncle

4/19/2007 - Tim Duncan's Sincere Apology Confuses Referee Enough To Eject Him From Game

4/18/2007 - Unemployed Scientists Prove Dog Likes Beer

4/18/2007 - Rhode Island Votes To Move 2008 Primary To Tomorrow

4/18/2007 - Air Traffic Controller Likes Pattern He Has Going

4/18/2007 - Fighting Chinese Piracy

4/18/2007 - Most Popular Tax Write-Offs By State

4/18/2007 - Just This Once, Let's Stay Up All Night And Do A Bunch Of Coke

4/18/2007 - Your Horoscope

4/18/2007 - When I Die, I'm Going To Haunt The Fuck Out Of You People

4/18/2007 - Richard Gere Angers India

4/18/2007 - Bomb-Sniffing Dog Gets 6-Cent Treat For Saving Los Angeles

4/17/2007 - In The Know: The U.S. Moat

4/17/2007 - Signature Dominates Sympathy Card

4/17/2007 - Aging God Fitted For Omni-Focals

4/17/2007 - Only Jewish Kid In Class Asked To Talk About Holocaust Remembrance Day

4/17/2007 - Canines

4/17/2007 - al-Sadr Leaves Iraqi Government

4/16/2007 - Brave Actor Does Own Publicity Stunts

4/16/2007 - McCain To Send Self Back To Vietnamese POW Camp To Revitalize Campaign

4/16/2007 - Study: You Have HPV

4/16/2007 - Taxpayer Information At Risk

4/15/2007 - Grocery-Store Worker Can No Longer Bear To Eat Food

4/14/2007 - Deadbeat Dads March On Las Vegas

4/14/2007 - Roomba Violates All Three Laws Of Roombotics

4/13/2007 - Kurt Vonnegut Dead

4/13/2007 - Majority Of Parents Abuse Children, Children Report

4/13/2007 - Editorial Cartoon - April 13, 2007

4/13/2007 - Finding A Religion That Doesn't Disrupt Your Current Lifestyle

4/13/2007 - Suicide Delayed By Discovery Of Mini-Snickers

4/13/2007 - Eulogy Filled With Pro-Christian Propaganda

4/12/2007 - Jim Nantz Makes Arnold Palmer Watch Old Clips Of Himself Until He Cries

4/12/2007 - Tiger Woods Reveals He Is Zach Johnson

4/12/2007 - A-Rod Booed For Confusing Yankee Fans

4/12/2007 - Jeff Kent To Wear No. 42 To Honor Mariano Rivera

4/12/2007 - Young Knicks Player Keeps Asking About Patrick Ewing

4/12/2007 - On Former NFL Quarterback Warren Moon Being Arrested For Drunk Driving

4/12/2007 - Jan Ullrich Feels He Can No Longer Trust Anyone With His Bags Of Blood

4/12/2007 - Area Man Would Put That Meeting In His Top 5 All Time

4/12/2007 - Great Recent Stories From Less-Popular Sports

4/12/2007 - Sea Monkeys Claimed As Dependents

4/12/2007 - China Bans Human Organ Trafficking

4/11/2007 - Men, Boys Separated

4/11/2007 - The Sibley Guide To Birds Has Clearly Misidentified The Dark-Eyed Junco

4/11/2007 - Mammograms

4/11/2007 - I Never Talk On The First Date

4/11/2007 - Fatal School Bus Crash Cements BFF Status

4/11/2007 - Where Are We Seeing The Virgin Mary?

4/11/2007 - U.S. Counter-Counterterrorism Unit Successfully Destroys Washington Monument

4/11/2007 - Your Horoscope

4/11/2007 - Cheney Spends 2-Week Vacation Lying Motionless In Open Grave

4/11/2007 - Imus Suspended For 2 Weeks

4/10/2007 - Area Eccentric Leaves Behind Estate Worth 20 Million Golf Balls

4/10/2007 - U.S. Asks Africa Not To Cash Aid Checks Until After Tax Day

4/10/2007 - Suri Cruise Somehow Already 11

4/10/2007 - Girls Gone Wild Creator Ordered To Jail

4/10/2007 - Parents

4/9/2007 - Circuit City Cuts 3,400 "Overpaid" Workers

4/9/2007 - Spelling-Bee Winner Fails To Spell Way Out Of Schoolyard Beating

4/9/2007 - 10 Million Fans Killed Off In Sopranos Season Premiere

4/9/2007 - Democrats Demand Inquiry Into How They're Doing So Far

4/8/2007 - America's Sweetheart Dumps U.S. For Some Douchebag

4/7/2007 - Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Tree House

4/7/2007 - 'Most E-Mailed' List Tearing New York Times' Newsroom Apart

4/6/2007 - Turning Your Spare Time Into Work Time

4/6/2007 - Viking God Odin Down To Last 4 Worshippers

4/6/2007 - Strip Poker Ends Solemnly With Scar Explanation

4/6/2007 - Iran Releases British Sailors

4/6/2007 - Area Man Just Wants To Throw One Good Punch In His Life

4/5/2007 - Press Conference Reveals David Ortiz Clearly Doesn't Know Who Jackie Robinson Is

4/5/2007 - NCAA Tournament Intensifies As Florida Advances To Round Of One

4/5/2007 - Argentina Reclaiming Falklands

4/5/2007 - Potential New Cubs Owners

4/5/2007 - Binge Eater Doesn't Even Remember Entering Fourth KFC

4/5/2007 - Pirates Player Keeps Asking Fans If They Saw His Double

4/5/2007 - Nation's 65th-Best College Basketball Team Also Given Trophy

4/5/2007 - On Vince McMahon Receiving An Impromptu Haircut At The Hands Of Donald Trump

4/5/2007 - Little Leaguer Admits It Would Be 'Pretty Cool' To Kill Someone With Line Drive

4/5/2007 - Trey Wingo Apologizes For Accidentally Calling Champion Lady Vols 'Pat Summitt's Marauding Army Of Monstrous Lesbians'

4/5/2007 - High School Production Of Our Town Features Line Memorization

4/4/2007 - In The Know: Do You Remember Life Before The Segway?

4/4/2007 - Christ Getting In Shape For Second Coming

4/4/2007 - Area Man Has Sex With Man To Get Out Of Office Blood Drive

4/4/2007 - Your Horoscope

4/4/2007 - Freshness Escaping From Bag Of Peas

4/4/2007 - Everyday Customers Mistaken For Terrorists

4/4/2007 - In The Ten Commandments, I Performed All My Own Miracles

4/4/2007 - Least Popular Sound Bites

4/4/2007 - There's Only Room At This Party For One Guy Named Skeeter

4/4/2007 - Scarface Onesie Social Worker's First Tip-Off

4/4/2007 - Naked Chocolate Jesus Nixed

4/4/2007 - Charades Player Dying Up There

4/4/2007 - Editorial Cartoon - April 4, 2007

4/3/2007 - Hillary Raises $26 M

4/3/2007 - Senator Forms Subcommittee For The Watching Of Lost

4/3/2007 - A Friend's Cancer: Good For Your Health?

4/3/2007 - Iraqi Insurgent Takes Day Off To Do Some Personal Killing

4/2/2007 - Health & Fitness

4/2/2007 - Bush Refuses To Set Timetable For Withdrawal Of Head From White House Banister

4/2/2007 - New SAT Section Tests Ability To Pay Tuition

4/2/2007 - U.N. Urges Circumcision To Fight HIV

4/2/2007 - Elderly Woman Can't Get Over Your Child's Hair

4/2/2007 - April 4, 1965

4/1/2007 - Wendy's New Homestyle Chicken Strip Salad Shamelessly Touted