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2007 August
8/31/2007 - Heartbroken Bush Runs After Departing Rove's Car
8/31/2007 - Senator Craig Arrested
8/31/2007 - Slightest Amount Of Physical Contact Apologized For
8/31/2007 - Monarch Butterfly Begins 2,000-Mile Migration Toward Windshield
8/31/2007 - Enough: Is It Enough?
8/30/2007 - Motor City Madman Attacks Dems
8/30/2007 - Streets Of Portland Flooded With Counterfeit Toothbrushes
8/30/2007 - Prestigious University Touts Racial Diversity Of Dining Hall Staff
8/30/2007 - New Prosthetic Fist Restores Area Man's Ability To Punch
8/30/2007 - Freshman Bares Her Soul To Entire Dorm Floor In First Week
8/30/2007 - Depression, Alcoholism, & STDs: Which One Is Right For You?
8/30/2007 - Nation's Fourth-Graders Continue To Trail Nation's Fifth-Graders
8/30/2007 - No One Cares About Your Girlfriend Back Home
8/30/2007 - Dorm RA 'Not Like The Other Dorm RAs,' Says Dorm RA
8/30/2007 - Report: School Shootings Help Prepare Students For Being Shot In Real World
8/30/2007 - Tim Duncan Staring At Wall Right Now
8/30/2007 - Jerome Bettis' New Tell-All Book Brings Down Beloved Steeler Jerome Bettis
8/30/2007 - Barry Zito: 'My Dad Says I Shouldn't Throw Curveballs Anymore'
8/30/2007 - National Lost And Found: Did You Lose A Flag Of The Marshall Islands?
8/30/2007 - Notable NFL Roster Cuts
8/30/2007 - Non-Doping Cyclists Finish Tour De France
8/30/2007 - Little League Coaches' World War II-Themed Speeches Leave Players Confused, Frightened
8/30/2007 - On Lance Briggs' Wrecked And Abandoned Lamborghini Murcielago
8/30/2007 - Seriously Ill Yankees Fan Really Hoping It's Lou Gehrig's Disease
8/29/2007 - Texas Executes 400th Convict
8/29/2007 - Senate Allocates $460 Billion For Big Labor Day Sales
8/29/2007 -
USA Today
Crossword Puzzle Grants False Sense Of Intelligence
8/29/2007 - Honey, Let's Never Pass Out Angry Again
8/29/2007 - What's plugged into the power strip?
8/29/2007 - Heaven To Return 3.6 Billion Souls For Re-Judging
8/29/2007 - Picture Of iPhone Used As iPhone Wallpaper
8/29/2007 - Remembering Princess Di
8/29/2007 - This Monster Problem Is Distracting This Town From The Real Issues
8/28/2007 - Drunk Astronauts Let Chimp Land Shuttle
8/28/2007 - Town Still Can't Think Of Name For Largest, Most Used Street
8/28/2007 - Your Horoscope
8/28/2007 - Real-Life Log Flume Kills Family
8/28/2007 - Travelocity Fined For Cuba Trips
8/28/2007 - Action Heroes
8/28/2007 - Liability Waiver Carefully Lowered Into Mine Shaft
8/27/2007 - Beyonce Unhurt After Stray Bullet Miraculously Hits Passerby Instead
8/27/2007 - Woman Overjoyed By Giant Uterine Parasite
8/27/2007 - Attorney General Gonzales Resigns
8/27/2007 - Chris Tucker To Focus Attention On Smaller, More Personal
Rush Hour
Projects
8/27/2007 - Editorial Cartoon - August 27, 2007
8/27/2007 - Office Photocopier Rules Learned The Hard Way
8/26/2007 - Bacon Good For You, Reports Best Scientist Ever
8/26/2007 - Report: Most Terrorists Do Not Start The Day Off With A Good Breakfast
8/26/2007 - Burundi Beef Council: 'Please Send Beef'
8/25/2007 - Future Of Genteel Town In Jeopardy As Doily Factory Closes
8/25/2007 - Defense Attorneys Argue Raped Environment Led Polluters On
8/24/2007 - Pain Medication Use Skyrocketing
8/24/2007 - I Haven't Actually Been Touched By A Man In 10 Years
8/24/2007 - Aug. 27, 1920
8/24/2007 - Poet Takes Extra 5 Minutes To Vague Up Poem
8/24/2007 - Democratic Mob Censures Bush In Effigy
8/24/2007 - Custody Fight Thrown
8/23/2007 - Study: Smokers Bad For Workplace
8/23/2007 - Meaninglessness Of Preseason Game Plunges Jeremy Shockey Into Existential Crisis
8/23/2007 - Peyton Manning Shows His Backup Proper Way To Hold Clipboard
8/23/2007 - NCAA Hopes Guilty Verdict In Punter Stabbing Case Will Suppress Rash Of Copycat Punter Stabbings
8/23/2007 - On Tom Brady's Rumored Engagement To Supermodel Gisele
8/23/2007 - Athletes In Trouble With The Law
8/23/2007 - NFL Reports Strong Sales Of Michael Vick's 2008 Jersey
8/23/2007 - Left-Handed Hitter Sends Little League Team Into Panic
8/23/2007 - Fabled Burger King Employee Places Single Onion Ring In Everyone's Fries
8/23/2007 - Thought Of Cross-Dressing, Joining LPGA Briefly Crosses David Duval's Mind
8/23/2007 - Report: Diary Of Anne Frank May Have Hurt Numerous S.S. Officers' Feelings
8/23/2007 - Live From Congress: The Skull Fucking Bill Of 2007
8/22/2007 - FDA Approves Seconds
8/22/2007 - Wal-Mart Shoplifter Crackdown
8/22/2007 - Neither Person In Conversation Knows What Hedge Fund Is
8/22/2007 - What Do Friends Say Behind Our Backs?
8/22/2007 - Now That I'm A Titan Of Industry, It's Time To Become A Titan Of Friendship
8/22/2007 - World's Dietitians Urge America To Reduce Mayonnaise Footprint
8/22/2007 - This Gap Sweater Is Fucking Awesome
8/22/2007 - News Van Driver Sick Of Helping Anchors Move
8/22/2007 - Record Flight Delays
8/21/2007 - Commuting
8/21/2007 - California Raises Malt Beverage Tax
8/21/2007 - Failure In Iraq Blamed On White House Intern
8/21/2007 - Your Horoscope
8/21/2007 - Bratz Movie Accidentally Released
8/21/2007 - No One In Women's Shelter Able To Cook Decent Meal
8/20/2007 - World's Oldest Neurosurgeon Turns 100
8/20/2007 - Brookstone Scientists 10 Years Away From Towel Alarm Clock
8/20/2007 - Hard To Tell If Wikipedia Entry On Dada Has Been Vandalized Or Not
8/20/2007 - Norwegian Princess Talks To Angels
8/20/2007 - Editorial Cartoon - August 20, 2007
8/19/2007 - Suicide Attempts A Desperate Cry For Death
8/18/2007 - Minnesota Too Polite To Ask For Federal Funding
8/18/2007 - Space Tourist Spends Entire Vacation Inside Space Shuttle
8/17/2007 - Ritalin Gummis Unveiled
8/17/2007 - Doctors Have Cure For Head-Bonk Amnesia
8/17/2007 - Revolutionary New Asper-Shirt Relieves Torso Pain
8/17/2007 - Breakthrough Drug Eliminates Crying From Infants
8/17/2007 - Congress Approves $15 Billion Medicruelty
8/17/2007 - Aug. 17, 1977
8/17/2007 - The Smug Little Shit Behind The Latest Internet Phenomenon
8/17/2007 - Fewer Mexicans Sending Money Home
8/17/2007 - Self-Help Lecture Attendees Surprised To Hear Speaker Was Once Just Like Them
8/17/2007 - Day Spent On Internet Comes Full Circle
8/16/2007 - Peter Gallager Once Again Named Eyebrow Magazine's Man Of The Year
8/16/2007 - Chinese Won't Dump Dollar
8/16/2007 - Nude Model Suspects She's Posing For Civics Class
8/16/2007 - Lottery Winner Finally Fulfills Her Tackiest Dreams
8/16/2007 - Penny Hardaway's Press Conference Ruined By Sass-Talking Doll
8/16/2007 - Woods Annoyed Daughter Was Looking Other Way When He Won PGA Championship
8/16/2007 - In The Know: Candidates Compete For Vital Idgit Vote
8/16/2007 - New Features in
Madden '08
8/16/2007 - On The Possibility Of Michael Vick Pleading Guilty
8/16/2007 - Rams Too Embarrassed To Express Interest In Simeon Rice: 'What If He Doesn't Like Us?'
8/16/2007 - Fucking Yankees, Reports Nation
8/16/2007 - Yao Ming's Self-Written Wedding Vows Include How He Loves The Top Of His Wife's Head
8/16/2007 - Newly Appointed Ambassador Ripken Accidentally Causes Nuclear War
8/15/2007 - U.S. To Re-Hang Saddam Hussein
8/15/2007 - Area Man Meets That Special Someone Else
8/15/2007 - America's Aging Infrastructure
8/15/2007 - How Are We Paying Off Our Subprime Mortgages?
8/15/2007 - Grandma Can Still Feel Draft
8/15/2007 - All You Had To Say Was 'Owen Wilson Befriends A Dolphin' And I Was Sold
8/15/2007 - Merv Griffin Leaves Lifetime Supply Of Jiffy Pop To Charity
8/15/2007 - As A Working Mom, It's Hard To Find Time To Masturbate
8/15/2007 - Millions Of Houses Left Abandoned This Morning
8/15/2007 - War Czar Considering Draft
8/14/2007 - Karl Rove Resigns
8/14/2007 - Fitness Buff Faces Long, Drawn-Out Death
8/14/2007 - Your Horoscope
8/14/2007 - Bluetooth Headset Worn Throughout Date
8/14/2007 - Churchgoer Tips God For Excellent Week
8/13/2007 - 'Gays Too Precious To Risk In Combat,' Says General
8/13/2007 - Pipe Cleaners, Googly Eyes Cut From Elementary School Arts Budget
8/13/2007 -
Baby Einstein
DVDs Don't Work
8/13/2007 - Local Man Vows Revenge Against Atlantic Ocean
8/13/2007 - Editorial Cartoon - August 13, 2007
8/13/2007 - Science-Fair Carny Correctly Guesses Atomic Weight
8/12/2007 - Another Comedian Ruined By Parenthood
8/11/2007 - Chinese Announce Alliance With The Ants
8/11/2007 - Ben Affleck Hoping Jason Bourne Has Sidekick In Next Movie
8/10/2007 - Aug. 10, 1995
8/10/2007 - Minimum-Wage Hike Celebrated With Name-Brand Ketchup
8/10/2007 - Teen's Eulogy Mostly Nickelback Lyrics
8/10/2007 - Call To Outlaw Texting While Driving
8/10/2007 - Is Your Babysitter On Your Drugs?
8/9/2007 - Your Cousin Says Prison Food Not So Bad
8/9/2007 - Tom Glavine Ominously Announces He Will Be Last 300-Game Winner
8/9/2007 - On The Beginning Of The NFL Exhibition Season
8/9/2007 - Report: Browns Hoped Quinn Would Hold Out For Months
8/9/2007 - New York Tourist Acting Like She's Never Been Hit By Cab Before
8/9/2007 - Beckham An Inspiration To Children Who Never Get Put In Game
8/9/2007 - New Lion Tamer Shocked By Vast Amount Of Paperwork
8/9/2007 - Unbreakable Records
8/9/2007 - Juan Pierre's 72-Game Hitting Streak Lost Amid Recent Flurry Of Baseball Milestones
8/9/2007 - Destruction Of National Pastime Given Two-Minute Standing Ovation
8/9/2007 - Grand Theft Auto 4 Delayed
8/9/2007 - Michael Irvin Demands Bigger, ‘Golder’ Hall Of Fame Bust
8/9/2007 - In The Know: Should We Be Shaming Obese Children More?
8/8/2007 - Small Town Holds Annual Gay Shame Parade
8/8/2007 - Report: Iran Less Than 10 Years Away From 2016
8/8/2007 - Murdoch Buying Dow Jones
8/8/2007 - Everyone Should Own A Gun For Protection And Possibly For Suicide
8/8/2007 - Who Are We Adding In Photoshop?
8/8/2007 - Drew Carey Signs 75-Year Contract To Host
The Price Is Right
8/8/2007 - This Week, Let's Try A Reading From The Bible I Wrote
8/8/2007 - Department Of Defense Locked Out Of Pentagon Again
8/8/2007 - 190,000 Guns Lost In Iraq
8/7/2007 - Congress Approves Surveillance Measures
8/7/2007 - Unconsciousness Faked To Make Anesthesiologist Feel Better
8/7/2007 - Tom Clancy Really Happy With How Latest Video Game With His Name On It Came Out
8/7/2007 - Jobs In America
8/7/2007 - Your Horoscope
8/7/2007 - Area Coroner To Work From Home Today
8/6/2007 - Human Head Found In Hamburger
8/6/2007 - Christian Charity Raising Money To Feed Non-Gay Famine Victims
8/6/2007 - DNA Evidence Frees Man From Zoo
8/6/2007 - California Voting Machines Hacked
8/6/2007 - Editorial Cartoon - August 6, 2007
8/6/2007 - McCain Late To Debate Due To Greyhound Delays
8/6/2007 - 30 Percent Of Man's Wealth Tied Up In Gift Cards
8/5/2007 - Pudding Factory Disaster Brings Slow, Creamy Death To Town Below
8/4/2007 - Insurance Executive Fakes Own Life
8/4/2007 - Tragic Event Forces Man To Spend Rest Of Life Confined To Office Chair
8/3/2007 - August 6, 1903
8/3/2007 - New Jimmy Buffett Song 'Cold Weather and Personal Responsibility' Disappoints Long-Time Fans
8/3/2007 - Indoor Grill Owner Can't Wait For Start Of Autumn
8/3/2007 - FEMA Slow To Investigate Toxic Trailers
8/3/2007 - Various Deities Still Sorting Through Victims Of Tragic Queens Bus Accident
8/3/2007 - Could Somebody Be Right Behind You?
8/2/2007 - Barry Bonds Not Certain He'll Be Present For His 756th Home Run
8/2/2007 - Craig Biggio Blames Media Pressure For Stalling At 285 Hit-By-Pitches
8/2/2007 - Hooker Refuses To Take More Sex As Payment
8/2/2007 - Pallbearers Move Bill Walsh's Coffin Down Church Aisle In Series Of Short, Precise Passes
8/2/2007 - Imaginary Brain Tumor Spreading Rapidly
8/2/2007 - Pirates GM Unable To Trade Xavier Nady For Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter
8/2/2007 - How Athletes Beat Steroid Testing
8/2/2007 - Report: NBA Considering Firing Tim Donaghy
8/2/2007 - Tom Snyder Dead At 71
8/2/2007 - Steve Young Pretty Sure He Remembers Bill Walsh
8/2/2007 - On Iraq Winning Soccer's Asian Cup:
8/2/2007 - Live From Congress: Rep. Hardy Calls For A Ladies' Night Out
8/1/2007 - Activision Reports Sluggish Sales For
Sousaphone Hero
8/1/2007 - Heroic Man Rushes Into Movie Theater, Saves 4 Seats
8/1/2007 - Arizona News Choppers Crash
8/1/2007 - There's No Such Thing As Bad Publicity
8/1/2007 - What's Getting Us Down?
8/1/2007 - My Man's Intuition Tells Me My Neighbor Wants To Sleep With Me
8/1/2007 - Arby's Debuts New Post-Apocalyptic Sandwich Deals
8/1/2007 - Attorney General Under Scrutiny
8/1/2007 - Man Running Aimlessly With Olympic Torch For Past 3 Years