Sitemap: 2007 August | The Onion

8/31/2007 - Heartbroken Bush Runs After Departing Rove's Car

8/31/2007 - Senator Craig Arrested

8/31/2007 - Slightest Amount Of Physical Contact Apologized For

8/31/2007 - Monarch Butterfly Begins 2,000-Mile Migration Toward Windshield

8/31/2007 - Enough: Is It Enough?

8/30/2007 - Motor City Madman Attacks Dems

8/30/2007 - Streets Of Portland Flooded With Counterfeit Toothbrushes

8/30/2007 - Prestigious University Touts Racial Diversity Of Dining Hall Staff

8/30/2007 - New Prosthetic Fist Restores Area Man's Ability To Punch

8/30/2007 - Freshman Bares Her Soul To Entire Dorm Floor In First Week

8/30/2007 - Depression, Alcoholism, & STDs: Which One Is Right For You?

8/30/2007 - Nation's Fourth-Graders Continue To Trail Nation's Fifth-Graders

8/30/2007 - No One Cares About Your Girlfriend Back Home

8/30/2007 - Dorm RA 'Not Like The Other Dorm RAs,' Says Dorm RA

8/30/2007 - Report: School Shootings Help Prepare Students For Being Shot In Real World

8/30/2007 - Tim Duncan Staring At Wall Right Now

8/30/2007 - Jerome Bettis' New Tell-All Book Brings Down Beloved Steeler Jerome Bettis

8/30/2007 - Barry Zito: 'My Dad Says I Shouldn't Throw Curveballs Anymore'

8/30/2007 - National Lost And Found: Did You Lose A Flag Of The Marshall Islands?

8/30/2007 - Notable NFL Roster Cuts

8/30/2007 - Non-Doping Cyclists Finish Tour De France

8/30/2007 - Little League Coaches' World War II-Themed Speeches Leave Players Confused, Frightened

8/30/2007 - On Lance Briggs' Wrecked And Abandoned Lamborghini Murcielago

8/30/2007 - Seriously Ill Yankees Fan Really Hoping It's Lou Gehrig's Disease

8/29/2007 - Texas Executes 400th Convict

8/29/2007 - Senate Allocates $460 Billion For Big Labor Day Sales

8/29/2007 - USA Today Crossword Puzzle Grants False Sense Of Intelligence

8/29/2007 - Honey, Let's Never Pass Out Angry Again

8/29/2007 - What's plugged into the power strip?

8/29/2007 - Heaven To Return 3.6 Billion Souls For Re-Judging

8/29/2007 - Picture Of iPhone Used As iPhone Wallpaper

8/29/2007 - Remembering Princess Di

8/29/2007 - This Monster Problem Is Distracting This Town From The Real Issues

8/28/2007 - Drunk Astronauts Let Chimp Land Shuttle

8/28/2007 - Town Still Can't Think Of Name For Largest, Most Used Street

8/28/2007 - Your Horoscope

8/28/2007 - Real-Life Log Flume Kills Family

8/28/2007 - Travelocity Fined For Cuba Trips

8/28/2007 - Action Heroes

8/28/2007 - Liability Waiver Carefully Lowered Into Mine Shaft

8/27/2007 - Beyonce Unhurt After Stray Bullet Miraculously Hits Passerby Instead

8/27/2007 - Woman Overjoyed By Giant Uterine Parasite

8/27/2007 - Attorney General Gonzales Resigns

8/27/2007 - Chris Tucker To Focus Attention On Smaller, More Personal Rush Hour Projects

8/27/2007 - Editorial Cartoon - August 27, 2007

8/27/2007 - Office Photocopier Rules Learned The Hard Way

8/26/2007 - Bacon Good For You, Reports Best Scientist Ever

8/26/2007 - Report: Most Terrorists Do Not Start The Day Off With A Good Breakfast

8/26/2007 - Burundi Beef Council: 'Please Send Beef'

8/25/2007 - Future Of Genteel Town In Jeopardy As Doily Factory Closes

8/25/2007 - Defense Attorneys Argue Raped Environment Led Polluters On

8/24/2007 - Pain Medication Use Skyrocketing

8/24/2007 - I Haven't Actually Been Touched By A Man In 10 Years

8/24/2007 - Aug. 27, 1920

8/24/2007 - Poet Takes Extra 5 Minutes To Vague Up Poem

8/24/2007 - Democratic Mob Censures Bush In Effigy

8/24/2007 - Custody Fight Thrown

8/23/2007 - Study: Smokers Bad For Workplace

8/23/2007 - Meaninglessness Of Preseason Game Plunges Jeremy Shockey Into Existential Crisis

8/23/2007 - Peyton Manning Shows His Backup Proper Way To Hold Clipboard

8/23/2007 - NCAA Hopes Guilty Verdict In Punter Stabbing Case Will Suppress Rash Of Copycat Punter Stabbings

8/23/2007 - On Tom Brady's Rumored Engagement To Supermodel Gisele

8/23/2007 - Athletes In Trouble With The Law

8/23/2007 - NFL Reports Strong Sales Of Michael Vick's 2008 Jersey

8/23/2007 - Left-Handed Hitter Sends Little League Team Into Panic

8/23/2007 - Fabled Burger King Employee Places Single Onion Ring In Everyone's Fries

8/23/2007 - Thought Of Cross-Dressing, Joining LPGA Briefly Crosses David Duval's Mind

8/23/2007 - Report: Diary Of Anne Frank May Have Hurt Numerous S.S. Officers' Feelings

8/23/2007 - Live From Congress: The Skull Fucking Bill Of 2007

8/22/2007 - FDA Approves Seconds

8/22/2007 - Wal-Mart Shoplifter Crackdown

8/22/2007 - Neither Person In Conversation Knows What Hedge Fund Is

8/22/2007 - What Do Friends Say Behind Our Backs?

8/22/2007 - Now That I'm A Titan Of Industry, It's Time To Become A Titan Of Friendship

8/22/2007 - World's Dietitians Urge America To Reduce Mayonnaise Footprint

8/22/2007 - This Gap Sweater Is Fucking Awesome

8/22/2007 - News Van Driver Sick Of Helping Anchors Move

8/22/2007 - Record Flight Delays

8/21/2007 - Commuting

8/21/2007 - California Raises Malt Beverage Tax

8/21/2007 - Failure In Iraq Blamed On White House Intern

8/21/2007 - Your Horoscope

8/21/2007 - Bratz Movie Accidentally Released

8/21/2007 - No One In Women's Shelter Able To Cook Decent Meal

8/20/2007 - World's Oldest Neurosurgeon Turns 100

8/20/2007 - Brookstone Scientists 10 Years Away From Towel Alarm Clock

8/20/2007 - Hard To Tell If Wikipedia Entry On Dada Has Been Vandalized Or Not

8/20/2007 - Norwegian Princess Talks To Angels

8/20/2007 - Editorial Cartoon - August 20, 2007

8/19/2007 - Suicide Attempts A Desperate Cry For Death

8/18/2007 - Minnesota Too Polite To Ask For Federal Funding

8/18/2007 - Space Tourist Spends Entire Vacation Inside Space Shuttle

8/17/2007 - Ritalin Gummis Unveiled

8/17/2007 - Doctors Have Cure For Head-Bonk Amnesia

8/17/2007 - Revolutionary New Asper-Shirt Relieves Torso Pain

8/17/2007 - Breakthrough Drug Eliminates Crying From Infants

8/17/2007 - Congress Approves $15 Billion Medicruelty

8/17/2007 - Aug. 17, 1977

8/17/2007 - The Smug Little Shit Behind The Latest Internet Phenomenon

8/17/2007 - Fewer Mexicans Sending Money Home

8/17/2007 - Self-Help Lecture Attendees Surprised To Hear Speaker Was Once Just Like Them

8/17/2007 - Day Spent On Internet Comes Full Circle

8/16/2007 - Peter Gallager Once Again Named Eyebrow Magazine's Man Of The Year

8/16/2007 - Chinese Won't Dump Dollar

8/16/2007 - Nude Model Suspects She's Posing For Civics Class

8/16/2007 - Lottery Winner Finally Fulfills Her Tackiest Dreams

8/16/2007 - Penny Hardaway's Press Conference Ruined By Sass-Talking Doll

8/16/2007 - Woods Annoyed Daughter Was Looking Other Way When He Won PGA Championship

8/16/2007 - In The Know: Candidates Compete For Vital Idgit Vote

8/16/2007 - New Features in Madden '08

8/16/2007 - On The Possibility Of Michael Vick Pleading Guilty

8/16/2007 - Rams Too Embarrassed To Express Interest In Simeon Rice: 'What If He Doesn't Like Us?'

8/16/2007 - Fucking Yankees, Reports Nation

8/16/2007 - Yao Ming's Self-Written Wedding Vows Include How He Loves The Top Of His Wife's Head

8/16/2007 - Newly Appointed Ambassador Ripken Accidentally Causes Nuclear War

8/15/2007 - U.S. To Re-Hang Saddam Hussein

8/15/2007 - Area Man Meets That Special Someone Else

8/15/2007 - America's Aging Infrastructure

8/15/2007 - How Are We Paying Off Our Subprime Mortgages?

8/15/2007 - Grandma Can Still Feel Draft

8/15/2007 - All You Had To Say Was 'Owen Wilson Befriends A Dolphin' And I Was Sold

8/15/2007 - Merv Griffin Leaves Lifetime Supply Of Jiffy Pop To Charity

8/15/2007 - As A Working Mom, It's Hard To Find Time To Masturbate

8/15/2007 - Millions Of Houses Left Abandoned This Morning

8/15/2007 - War Czar Considering Draft

8/14/2007 - Karl Rove Resigns

8/14/2007 - Fitness Buff Faces Long, Drawn-Out Death

8/14/2007 - Your Horoscope

8/14/2007 - Bluetooth Headset Worn Throughout Date

8/14/2007 - Churchgoer Tips God For Excellent Week

8/13/2007 - 'Gays Too Precious To Risk In Combat,' Says General

8/13/2007 - Pipe Cleaners, Googly Eyes Cut From Elementary School Arts Budget

8/13/2007 - Baby Einstein DVDs Don't Work

8/13/2007 - Local Man Vows Revenge Against Atlantic Ocean

8/13/2007 - Editorial Cartoon - August 13, 2007

8/13/2007 - Science-Fair Carny Correctly Guesses Atomic Weight

8/12/2007 - Another Comedian Ruined By Parenthood

8/11/2007 - Chinese Announce Alliance With The Ants

8/11/2007 - Ben Affleck Hoping Jason Bourne Has Sidekick In Next Movie

8/10/2007 - Aug. 10, 1995

8/10/2007 - Minimum-Wage Hike Celebrated With Name-Brand Ketchup

8/10/2007 - Teen's Eulogy Mostly Nickelback Lyrics

8/10/2007 - Call To Outlaw Texting While Driving

8/10/2007 - Is Your Babysitter On Your Drugs?

8/9/2007 - Your Cousin Says Prison Food Not So Bad

8/9/2007 - Tom Glavine Ominously Announces He Will Be Last 300-Game Winner

8/9/2007 - On The Beginning Of The NFL Exhibition Season

8/9/2007 - Report: Browns Hoped Quinn Would Hold Out For Months

8/9/2007 - New York Tourist Acting Like She's Never Been Hit By Cab Before

8/9/2007 - Beckham An Inspiration To Children Who Never Get Put In Game

8/9/2007 - New Lion Tamer Shocked By Vast Amount Of Paperwork

8/9/2007 - Unbreakable Records

8/9/2007 - Juan Pierre's 72-Game Hitting Streak Lost Amid Recent Flurry Of Baseball Milestones

8/9/2007 - Destruction Of National Pastime Given Two-Minute Standing Ovation

8/9/2007 - Grand Theft Auto 4 Delayed

8/9/2007 - Michael Irvin Demands Bigger, ‘Golder’ Hall Of Fame Bust

8/9/2007 - In The Know: Should We Be Shaming Obese Children More?

8/8/2007 - Small Town Holds Annual Gay Shame Parade

8/8/2007 - Report: Iran Less Than 10 Years Away From 2016

8/8/2007 - Murdoch Buying Dow Jones

8/8/2007 - Everyone Should Own A Gun For Protection And Possibly For Suicide

8/8/2007 - Who Are We Adding In Photoshop?

8/8/2007 - Drew Carey Signs 75-Year Contract To Host The Price Is Right

8/8/2007 - This Week, Let's Try A Reading From The Bible I Wrote

8/8/2007 - Department Of Defense Locked Out Of Pentagon Again

8/8/2007 - 190,000 Guns Lost In Iraq

8/7/2007 - Congress Approves Surveillance Measures

8/7/2007 - Unconsciousness Faked To Make Anesthesiologist Feel Better

8/7/2007 - Tom Clancy Really Happy With How Latest Video Game With His Name On It Came Out

8/7/2007 - Jobs In America

8/7/2007 - Your Horoscope

8/7/2007 - Area Coroner To Work From Home Today

8/6/2007 - Human Head Found In Hamburger

8/6/2007 - Christian Charity Raising Money To Feed Non-Gay Famine Victims

8/6/2007 - DNA Evidence Frees Man From Zoo

8/6/2007 - California Voting Machines Hacked

8/6/2007 - Editorial Cartoon - August 6, 2007

8/6/2007 - McCain Late To Debate Due To Greyhound Delays

8/6/2007 - 30 Percent Of Man's Wealth Tied Up In Gift Cards

8/5/2007 - Pudding Factory Disaster Brings Slow, Creamy Death To Town Below

8/4/2007 - Insurance Executive Fakes Own Life

8/4/2007 - Tragic Event Forces Man To Spend Rest Of Life Confined To Office Chair

8/3/2007 - August 6, 1903

8/3/2007 - New Jimmy Buffett Song 'Cold Weather and Personal Responsibility' Disappoints Long-Time Fans

8/3/2007 - Indoor Grill Owner Can't Wait For Start Of Autumn

8/3/2007 - FEMA Slow To Investigate Toxic Trailers

8/3/2007 - Various Deities Still Sorting Through Victims Of Tragic Queens Bus Accident

8/3/2007 - Could Somebody Be Right Behind You?

8/2/2007 - Barry Bonds Not Certain He'll Be Present For His 756th Home Run

8/2/2007 - Craig Biggio Blames Media Pressure For Stalling At 285 Hit-By-Pitches

8/2/2007 - Hooker Refuses To Take More Sex As Payment

8/2/2007 - Pallbearers Move Bill Walsh's Coffin Down Church Aisle In Series Of Short, Precise Passes

8/2/2007 - Imaginary Brain Tumor Spreading Rapidly

8/2/2007 - Pirates GM Unable To Trade Xavier Nady For Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter

8/2/2007 - How Athletes Beat Steroid Testing

8/2/2007 - Report: NBA Considering Firing Tim Donaghy

8/2/2007 - Tom Snyder Dead At 71

8/2/2007 - Steve Young Pretty Sure He Remembers Bill Walsh

8/2/2007 - On Iraq Winning Soccer's Asian Cup:

8/2/2007 - Live From Congress: Rep. Hardy Calls For A Ladies' Night Out

8/1/2007 - Activision Reports Sluggish Sales For Sousaphone Hero

8/1/2007 - Heroic Man Rushes Into Movie Theater, Saves 4 Seats

8/1/2007 - Arizona News Choppers Crash

8/1/2007 - There's No Such Thing As Bad Publicity

8/1/2007 - What's Getting Us Down?

8/1/2007 - My Man's Intuition Tells Me My Neighbor Wants To Sleep With Me

8/1/2007 - Arby's Debuts New Post-Apocalyptic Sandwich Deals

8/1/2007 - Attorney General Under Scrutiny

8/1/2007 - Man Running Aimlessly With Olympic Torch For Past 3 Years