10/31/2007 - Child On White House Tour Momentarily Seizes Control Of Nation

10/31/2007 - Banking Industry On Hard Times

10/31/2007 - If I Die, Please Finish This Sandwich

10/31/2007 - I'm Quite Eccentric Within Accepted Societal Norms

10/31/2007 - What's The Moral Of Our Story?

10/31/2007 - Pool Cues Go Unused In Disappointing Bar Fight

10/31/2007 - Iraqi Diplomat Draft?

10/31/2007 - Count Dracula Stripped Of Title By Transylvanian Authorities

10/30/2007 - Bike Helmet Protects Child From Helmet-Inspired Beating

10/30/2007 - Political Scientists Discover New Form Of Government

10/30/2007 - Your Horoscope

10/30/2007 - Area Woman Saved From Burning Wreck Only To Die 40 Years Later

10/30/2007 - The Child Labor Gap

10/29/2007 - Ninja Parade Slips Through Town Unnoticed Once Again

10/29/2007 - Gerbil Growing Distant

10/29/2007 - Roomba Maker Unveils Military Robot

10/29/2007 - Postmaster General: 'Letter Carrier Surge Is Working'

10/29/2007 - Editorial Cartoon - October 29, 2007

10/29/2007 - Archangel Gabriel Has Great Idea For Screenplay

10/28/2007 - Microsoft Sold To Crows

10/27/2007 - Hippie Dances Ecstatically

10/27/2007 - Sugar Ray Thrilled To Be Playing In Man's Head

10/26/2007 - That One Bob Guy And Why He Can Go Fuck Himself

10/26/2007 - Colorado Rockies Trademark 'Rocktober'

10/26/2007 - Stupid Fucking Mistake Ruining Whole Fucking Day

10/26/2007 - Report: Everyone In Hollywood Great Friends

10/26/2007 - Area Man To Start Curling His 2s

10/25/2007 - Live From Congress: Representative Wants To See, Meet More Kids Online

10/25/2007 - World Series Flyover Turns Out To Be Full-Scale Airstrike

10/25/2007 - Terry Francona Announces Josh Beckett Will Start Games 1, 4, 7, 2, 6, 3, 5

10/25/2007 - On Columnist Rick Reilly Leaving Sports Illustrated For ESPN

10/25/2007 - The 2007 World Series

10/25/2007 - Small Change In Procedure Wendy's Manager's Crowning Achievement

10/25/2007 - Area Man Not Interested In Your Life Story

10/25/2007 - The Most Boring Records In Sports

10/25/2007 - Miami Dolphins Wonder If They'll Have End Zones In England

10/25/2007 - Red Sox Attempt To Break Fabled 'Curse Of Relief Pitcher Curtis Leskanic'

10/25/2007 - Rockies Complain About 'Thick' Fenway Park Air

10/25/2007 - Nervous Joe Girardi Blows Interview With Yankees

10/25/2007 - Bin Laden Tape Urges Iraq Unity

10/25/2007 - David Ortiz Incorporates Champagne Goggles Into Everyday Uniform

10/24/2007 - Lethal Injection Ban Leads To Rise In Back-Alley Lethal Injections

10/24/2007 - Middle School Dispenses Birth Control

10/24/2007 - It's Not Easy Being A Frotteur

10/24/2007 - Who's Our Role Model?

10/24/2007 - Writers Strike Looming

10/24/2007 - Slow Down, Technology!

10/24/2007 - Zeus Takes Form Of Shirtless Man

10/23/2007 - Doll-Housing Crisis Set To Worsen, Mean Older Brother Says

10/23/2007 - Political Campaigns

10/23/2007 - Crossword Editor Obviously Guilty In String Of Nurse Murders

10/23/2007 - Your Horoscope

10/23/2007 - Scientists Theorize What Would Happen If They Touched A Cloud

10/23/2007 - Megachurch Threatened By New Ultrachurch

10/23/2007 - Rowling: 'Dumbledore Is Gay'

10/22/2007 - Preemptive Memorial Honors Future Victims Of Imminent Dam Disaster

10/22/2007 - Not-So-Horrible Thing Happens In Iraq

10/22/2007 - Boomers On Social Security

10/22/2007 - FDA: Juicy Green Apple Conditioner Best Used With Juicy Green Apple Shampoo

10/22/2007 - Editorial Cartoon - October 22, 2007

10/22/2007 - On Torre Turning Down the Yankees' Contract Offer

10/22/2007 - Diabetic Child's Survival Hinges On Contents Of Piñata

10/21/2007 - Nation Shocked By Pre-Natal Shooting

10/20/2007 - First Orgy After Brian's Death Very Solemn

10/20/2007 - Man On TV Urges Mass Purchase Of Listerine

10/19/2007 - One Man's Inspirational Story And How It No Way Relates To You

10/19/2007 - Oct. 19, 1931

10/19/2007 - Bomb Shelter All Set For World Without Doritos

10/19/2007 - Entire Precinct Made Up Of Loose Cannons

10/19/2007 - Drug-Resistant Staph Widespread

10/19/2007 - Police Horrified By Grisly Remains Of Taco Bell Meal

10/18/2007 - Both Teams Satisfied With Three-And-A-Half Yard Carry

10/18/2007 - In The Know: Is The Government Spying On Paranoid Schizophrenics Enough?

10/18/2007 - Nervous University Of South Florida Football Team Kind Of Hoping They Lose

10/18/2007 - Midnight Madness

10/18/2007 - '95-'96 Prayers Finally Answered

10/18/2007 - Vinny Testaverde Touchdown Dance Hopelessly Out-Of-Date

10/18/2007 - Terry Francona Sends Eric Gagne Down To Made-Up Triple-A Team

10/18/2007 - Dolphins To Distract Patriots While Browns Get Them From Behind

10/18/2007 - Dan Marino Hosts Hour-Long HBO Special Celebrating Favre's Interceptions

10/18/2007 - Hooters Hires Another Shauna

10/18/2007 - On The Rockies Sweeping Arizona To Advance To The World Series

10/18/2007 - Madonna, Warner Bros. Part Ways

10/18/2007 - MLB.com Executive Casually Reminds Harold Reynolds Not To Sexually Harass Anyone

10/18/2007 - Tony Stewart

10/17/2007 - Last Remaining Novelist Dies In Captivity

10/17/2007 - U.S.-Turkey Relations Cool

10/17/2007 - Sears Gold Card Holder Pushing Weight Around Area Sears

10/17/2007 - If Elected, I Will Have The Hottest First Lady In U.S. History

10/17/2007 - Top Reasons For Employee Absence

10/17/2007 - Fifty Years Of Space Exploration

10/17/2007 - Congress Allocates $500 Billion To Combat Unexplained Rattling Noise In Congressional Car

10/17/2007 - You're Not My Real Stepdad!

10/17/2007 - Fifty Years Of Space Exploration

10/17/2007 - Over-Hydrated Terrier Proud Owner Of Six City Blocks

10/16/2007 - Jerry Lewis Undergoes Emergency Gefloigel Surgery

10/16/2007 - NBC Universal To Buy Oxygen

10/16/2007 - What's Left Of Pamela Anderson Married Again

10/16/2007 - What's Left Of Pamela Anderson Married Again

10/16/2007 - Your Horoscope

10/16/2007 - It Only Tuesday

10/16/2007 - Man Sentenced To 3 Months Probation For 17th-Degree Murder

10/15/2007 - Conceptual Terrorists Encase Sears Tower In Jell-O

10/15/2007 - Death Of Miss Moneypenny All TNT Needed To Run Monthlong Bond Marathon

10/15/2007 - Laura Bush: U.S. To Condemn Burma

10/15/2007 - On Randy Moss And Terrell Owens Behaving Themselves So Far This Season

10/15/2007 - Editorial Cartoon - October 15, 2007

10/15/2007 - Four Dead After Man Loses Control Of Dowsing Rod

10/14/2007 - Area Man Gets In One Last Night Of Sex Before Breaking Up

10/13/2007 - Hershey's Ordered To Pay Obese Americans $135 Billion

10/13/2007 - Reaganomics Finally Trickles Down To Area Man

10/12/2007 - Bisexual's Parents Half-Understand

10/12/2007 - Former Defense Secretary Rumsfeld Seen Shivering In Autumn Wind

10/12/2007 - Doing God's Work: Does It Let God Off The Hook?

10/12/2007 - Atlantic City Mayor Resigns

10/12/2007 - Piping-Hot Calzone Missing

10/11/2007 - Trent Green Holds Press Conference To Announce Long String Of Vowels

10/11/2007 - All-Time Greatest Upsets

10/11/2007 - Police Tasers Deemed Safe

10/11/2007 - Torre, Steinbrenner Have Most Awkward Bathroom Encounter Of Their Lives

10/11/2007 - Curt Schilling Inexplicably Bleeding Throughout Game 3 Start

10/11/2007 - Blues At Blackhawks

10/11/2007 - Goodell Tells Bills To Use Bye Week To See If Football Is Something They Really Want To Be Doing

10/11/2007 - Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Retires 'D' Chord

10/11/2007 - Piniella: 'Oh, First To Three Wins'

10/11/2007 - Eighth-Grade Reading List Heavily Favors Stuff That Sucks Big TIme

10/11/2007 - Patriots Stunned By Mere 17-Point Victory

10/11/2007 - One Dead, Hundreds Injured As Chicagoans Attempt To Run

10/11/2007 - On The Strange Insect Infestation In Last Week's Yankees-Indians Game

10/11/2007 - Proposed (Classified) Bill Will Defend Against Flesh-Eating (Classified)

10/10/2007 - NASA Announces Plan To Bring Wi-Fi To Its Headquarters By 2017

10/10/2007 - CIA's Authorized Torture Practices

10/10/2007 - Why Is It That My Girlfriend Insists On Sticking Around While I Transform Into A Werewolf?

10/10/2007 - Cost Of Freedom At All-Time High

10/10/2007 - How Did We Get That Scar?

10/10/2007 - I Just Discovered This Hilarious Comic Strip Called 'Garfield'

10/10/2007 - Ticket Brokers Under Fire

10/10/2007 - President Of Mexico Eaten Alive By President-Eating Fish

10/9/2007 - File Sharer Fined $222,000

10/9/2007 - Christian Slater Reports That Christian Slater Has Still Got That Christian Slater Magic

10/9/2007 - Your Horoscope

10/9/2007 - Hanes Unveils W-Neck T-Shirt

10/9/2007 - Every Intern At Nonprofit Trying To Solve Refugee Crisis First

10/8/2007 - Use Of 'N-Word' May End Porn Star's Career

10/8/2007 - Thousands March On Washington For A Little Fresh Air, Exercise

10/8/2007 - Editorial Cartoon - October 8, 2007

10/8/2007 - On The Rockies/Padres One-Game Playoff Ending With A Controversial Call At Home Plate

10/8/2007 - Radiohead's New Honor System

10/8/2007 - New Report Puts America Behind In Psychic-Prediction Race

10/7/2007 - Spain Vows Eternal Vigilance In War On Bulls

10/7/2007 - Film School Graduate Bad-Mouths Film School

10/7/2007 - Amnesty International Demands Gentler Soap For Indonesian Political Prisoner

10/7/2007 - General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win Air Bags

10/7/2007 - Rich First-Grader Buys Whole Sheet Of Gold Stars

10/7/2007 - Discovery Of Oil Turns Peru Into Bunch Of Assholes

10/7/2007 - Russia Acquires Amway Distributorship

10/7/2007 - Heartbreaking Country Ballad Paralyzes Trucking Industry

10/7/2007 - Malaysian Siblings Angrily Divide Their Bedroom Into Twelfths

10/7/2007 - Dept. Of Transportation To Replace Highway Mile Markers With Dead Raccoons

10/7/2007 - Ruthless Dictator Going Through Mid-Strife Crisis

10/7/2007 - Educational Puppet Pelted With Crayons

10/7/2007 - Nation's Educators Alarmed By Poorly Written Teen Suicide Notes

10/7/2007 - Area Dullard Opts For Vocational School

10/7/2007 - Lucky Dead Student Gets Own Page In Yearbook

10/7/2007 - Swiss End Neutrality Toward Delectable Pastries

10/7/2007 - Goodyear Unveils New Circular Tires

10/7/2007 - 4 Billion Years Of Evolution Unable To Prevent Area Man From Drooling On Self

10/7/2007 - Area Man Consults Internet Whenever Possible

10/6/2007 - Most Terrorists Fail To Start Day With Good Breakfast

10/6/2007 - Karate Lessons Give Child Self-Confidence To Quit Karate

10/5/2007 - Girl You Came With Seems More Interested In Talking To Mr. Slicko Over There

10/5/2007 - Pinkeye: The Silent Annoyer

10/5/2007 - North Korea Dismantling Nuclear Program

10/5/2007 - Aunt Threatens To Devour Helpless Newborn's Toes

10/5/2007 - Third Amendment Rights Group Celebrates Another Successful Year

10/4/2007 - Viewer Voices: Where We Respond To The Opinions Of Our Uninformed Viewers

10/4/2007 - On The Mets’ Historic Late-Season Collapse

10/4/2007 - Aging Morten Andersen: ‘Kicking Field Goals Is All I Know’

10/4/2007 - Ricky Williams: 'I Can't Believe I Got Really Baked And Applied For Reinstatement Into The NFL'

10/4/2007 - Webster's Reluctantly Adds 'Melty' To English Lexicon

10/4/2007 - Confused Cubs Think They're Going To Arizona To Start Spring Training

10/4/2007 - Yankees Decline Wild Card

10/4/2007 - MLB World Series Contenders

10/4/2007 - Arkansas Nuns Excommunicated

10/4/2007 - Mother Worries CEO Son Might Fall Out Of Corner-Office Window

10/4/2007 - Vlad Guerrero

10/4/2007 - Mets Vow To Win One More Game Next Year

10/4/2007 - NFL To Place Favre's 421st Touchdown Ball, Receiver, Stadium Into Hall Of Fame

10/4/2007 - Umenyiora Comes Out Of Nowhere To Sack McNabb In Parking Lot

10/3/2007 - New Heart Device Allows Cheney To Experience Love

10/3/2007 - Blackwater In The United States

10/3/2007 - Son, You've Made A Mockery Of Taco Night

10/3/2007 - What's Our New Affectation?

10/3/2007 - Date Of Apple Backlash Set For March 21, 2008

10/3/2007 - I'm Still Dazzled By The 2007 Emmy Awards!

10/3/2007 - Vicious, Man-Eating Carnivores On Decline In Arctic

10/3/2007 - Britney Loses Custody Of Children

10/3/2007 - Real-Life Beverly Hillbillies Stripped Of Assets By Oil Company Lawyers

10/2/2007 - Newt Won't Run

10/2/2007 - Suicide Note Makes Convincing Case

10/2/2007 - Vagina Medicine Left Out Where Anyone Can See It

10/2/2007 - Your Horoscope

10/2/2007 - Dame Walks In WIth Legs Up To Here

10/1/2007 - Country Music Stars Challenge Al-Qaeda With Patriotic New Song ‘Bomb New York’

10/1/2007 - On The End Of The U.S. Women's Soccer Team's 51-Game Winning Streak

10/1/2007 - Overuse Of Enzyme-Based Cleaners May Be Causing Highly Resistant Superstains

10/1/2007 - Editorial Cartoon - October 1, 2007

10/1/2007 - Western Gorilla Almost Extinct

10/1/2007 - Lazy Scientist Leaves Sink Full Of Dirty Molecules

10/1/2007 - That 'Full House' Episode Where They Meet The Beach Boys Is On Tomorrow At 3 P.M.