4/30/2008 - Astronauts Suffer Agonizing, High-Pitched Death After Helium Leak

4/30/2008 - Grand Theft Auto IV Hits Stores

4/30/2008 - Rowdy Teens Take Over Local Perkins

4/30/2008 - I Won't Ever Let The Position Of County Surveyor Go To My Head

4/30/2008 - I Couldn't Help But Notice Your Product Hasn't Been Endorsed By Anyone Yet

4/30/2008 - Naughty Butcher Specializes In Penis-Shaped Veal Cutlet

4/30/2008 - What Are We Using As Collateral?

4/30/2008 - Dean: One Candidate Must Quit

4/30/2008 - Man In Inner Tube Completes First Lazy Transatlantic Journey

4/29/2008 - NHL Star Called Up To Big Leagues To Play For NFL Team

4/29/2008 - Your Horoscope

4/29/2008 - 12 Shirtless Firemen Save Woman From Year Of Loneliness

4/29/2008 - Price Clubs Restricting Rice Sales

4/29/2008 - Gears Of War Crimes Court Finds 2006 Locust Horde Massacre Justified

4/29/2008 - Area Kindergartner Tackles The Shit Out Of Dream Girl

4/28/2008 - Man Use Big Word

4/28/2008 - Researchers Discover Massive Asshole In Blogosphere

4/28/2008 - Editorial Cartoon - April 28, 2008

4/28/2008 - Diet Could Affect Gender

4/28/2008 - Atlantic City Cocktail Waitress Crowned In Mistress USA Pageant

4/27/2008 - Boilermakers Protest Purdue's Mascot

4/26/2008 - Nation's Last Themeless Restaurant Closes

4/26/2008 - Badly Injured Man Not Done Partying Yet

4/25/2008 - More Marijuana

4/25/2008 - A Statement Followed By A Question Separated By A Colon

4/25/2008 - Entire Coffee Cake Consumed Over Trash Can

4/25/2008 - Snow Moves To CNN

4/25/2008 - Commas, Turning Up, Everywhere

4/25/2008 - NASA Intern Hoping To Go On Space Walk Before He Leaves In June

4/24/2008 - Young, Professional People French-Kissing

4/24/2008 - Family Feud Pollster Tired Of Asking Strangers To Name A Fruit Typically Served With Breakfast

4/24/2008 - Gilbert Arenas Claims He Can Play Despite Sore Ankle Part Of Arm

4/24/2008 - Andy Pettitte On Recent Win: 'Now That's What I Call Throwing A Pettitte'

4/24/2008 - On The Presidential Candidates Appearing On WWE Monday Night RAW:

4/24/2008 - Sam Cassell Seen Playing For Rockets, Suns, Celtics

4/24/2008 - Jake Long

4/24/2008 - George Steinbrenner Tells Sons To Mellow Out

4/24/2008 - Isiah Thomas: 'My Time With The Knicks Was Actually A Large-Scale Psychological Study Of New York Residents'

4/24/2008 - Female Firsts In Sports

4/24/2008 - Excited Dallas Stars Hear Dallas Morning News Reporter May Be At Next Game

4/24/2008 - Army Engineer Passed Nuclear Secrets

4/24/2008 - Convicted Forger Freed By Presidential Pardon

4/24/2008 - Mel Kiper Wakes In Middle Of Night Thinking He Missed NFL Draft

4/23/2008 - Campus Security Measures Increased

4/23/2008 - What's Our Secret Love?

4/23/2008 - Hanna Montana's Secret Identity¬ÖRevealed!

4/23/2008 - Amtrak's New Lady Train Debuts

4/23/2008 - Sims Sales Top 100 Million

4/23/2008 - Elderly Woman Applying Makeup Most Heartbreaking Thing On Earth

4/23/2008 - Rubber Band Needed

4/23/2008 - Listen, Can You Do Me A Favor And Join The Army?

4/22/2008 - Pope Delivers Yankee Mass

4/22/2008 - Your Horoscope

4/22/2008 - Botanists Vow Not To Discuss Botany During After-Work Drinks

4/22/2008 - Dead Deer By Side Of Road Covered In Graffiti

4/22/2008 - Congress Overrun By Wolves

4/21/2008 - Study: Nearly 80 Percent Of Roommates Got So Drunk Last Night

4/21/2008 - Passover Seder Half-Assed

4/21/2008 - Editorial Cartoon - April 21, 2008

4/21/2008 - Financial Analysts Offer To Talk About Recession For $5

4/21/2008 - New Chemical Weapon 'Ennui Gas' Induces Listlessness, Dissatisfaction With Life

4/21/2008 - Poll: McCain Getting Even

4/20/2008 - Kim Jong Il Unfolds Into Giant Robot

4/19/2008 - Son-Of-A-Bitch Mouse Solves Maze Researchers Spent Months Building

4/19/2008 - Plan 'L' Switched To

4/18/2008 - Author Tom DeLillo

4/18/2008 - Plastics May Emit Toxins

4/18/2008 - Vacationing Teen Introduces Wilco To West Indies

4/18/2008 - Nation Agrees Not To Talk About Politics

4/18/2008 - Chuck Berry Remembers Call From Cousin About White Kid Playing 'Johnny B. Goode'

4/17/2008 - Samantha Who?

4/17/2008 - Chinese Class Clown Executed

4/17/2008 - FCC Fines Electronics Retailers

4/17/2008 - Pau Gasol, Tony Parker Share Special Moment During Pick

4/17/2008 - Chris Long

4/17/2008 - Jim Leyland To Tigers: 'Do I Have To Get Naked And Yell Some Sense Into You?'

4/17/2008 - Yankees Bury Bernie Williams Under New Stadium For Good Luck

4/17/2008 - Tiger Woods Irritated He Bought Additional Coat Hanger

4/17/2008 - Jackie Robinson Honored With Trivia Question

4/17/2008 - Player's Career Arc Exactly Mirrors Second Verse Of Steve Miller's 'Rock 'N Me'

4/17/2008 - On Herschel Walker Announcing He Has Multiple Personality Disorder:

4/17/2008 - Speedo's New High-Tech Swimsuit

4/17/2008 - Legendary Trainer Accidentally Grooms Young Boxer To Be Racing Horse

4/17/2008 - Panicked Diver Forgets Everything Except Capital Of Delaware

4/16/2008 - Congress Debates Merits Of New Catchphrase

4/16/2008 - Area Man Honored To Have Name In Hat

4/16/2008 - Obama Dogged By 'Bitter' Remarks

4/16/2008 - That Professor Lasky From Saved By The Bell: The College Years Was A Real Jerk

4/16/2008 - Shark!

4/16/2008 - Florida Legalizes Taking Guns To Work

4/16/2008 - Giant Greenhouse Built Over Nation Blamed For Climate Change

4/16/2008 - Who Are We Running From?

4/15/2008 - Oprah Launches Own Reality

4/15/2008 - If There's A Ferret Heaven, Area Woman's Dead Ferret Is In it

4/15/2008 - Your Horoscope

4/15/2008 - One in Five Scientists Use Brain Enhancing Drugs

4/15/2008 - Mass E-Mail Only Has Four Recipients

4/15/2008 - Hypothetical Multi-Ethnic Customer Base Smiles Down From HMO Billboard

4/15/2008 - Marijuana

4/14/2008 - Wildly Popular 'Iron Man' Trailer To Be Adapted Into Full-Length Film

4/14/2008 - Bed Found In Fundamentalist Temple

4/14/2008 - Travel Troubles

4/14/2008 - Guys Night Out To Feature Several Key Non-Guys

4/14/2008 - Gay Guy's Gay Thing Well Attended

4/14/2008 - Editorial Cartoon - April 14, 2008

4/14/2008 - Southwest Airlines Now Taking Passengers To Destinations By Shuttle Bus

4/13/2008 - Man From Last Week Smacked Into Present Day

4/12/2008 - New Colored Light Added To Traffic Signals

4/12/2008 - Grandfathers Accidentally Switched At Hospital

4/11/2008 - Sabra Hummus: Cedar's Hummus Lacks Experience Necessary To Become America's No. 1 Hummus

4/11/2008 - Beer Production Threatened By Climate Change

4/11/2008 - Gypsy Curse Lifted From Montana

4/11/2008 - Meet The Polish Selena

4/11/2008 - Area Man Makes It Through Day

4/10/2008 - 100 Most Preposterous TV Moments

4/10/2008 - Congress Wondering What Happened With That Whole Roger Clemens Thing

4/10/2008 - San Francisco Giants Band Together To Score Run

4/10/2008 - Committee Of College Basketball Nets: 'Please Stop Cutting Us'

4/10/2008 - Matt Ryan

4/10/2008 - Homeland Security Waives Environmental Law

4/10/2008 - $46,000 Vacuumed Out Of White House Couch

4/10/2008 - Jason Giambi Day-To-Day With Sore Groin, If You Know What He Means

4/10/2008 - Sepia-Toned Player Being Called The Next DiMaggio

4/10/2008 - Goalie Clearly Living In Net

4/10/2008 - Olympic Torch Relay Difficulties

4/10/2008 - On The Detroit Tigers' Slow Start:

4/10/2008 - Tim Duncan Offers To Do Taxes For Entire Spurs Team

4/10/2008 - Judge Awards Heather Mills Writing Credit On 'Eleanor Rigby'

4/9/2008 - Suspicious Package Industry Falls On Hard Times

4/9/2008 - Iraq War Memorial Planners Forced To Revise Length Again

4/9/2008 - Clintons Made $109 Million

4/9/2008 - If It's Any Consolation, I Am Going To Shoot Myself After I Kill All Of You

4/9/2008 - What Are We Encouraging In Our Children?

4/9/2008 - Businessman Takes Power Bath

4/9/2008 - Cheney Re-Grows Limb In Front Of Shocked Advisers

4/9/2008 - Group Blasts Pork-Barrel Spending

4/9/2008 - I Can't Imagine Why Anybody Would Want To Stop Crying

4/8/2008 - Iraq War: 5 Years Later

4/8/2008 - Your Horoscope

4/8/2008 - Hostage Taken Out For Night On The Town

4/8/2008 - Report: 84% Of Americans Currently Contestants

4/8/2008 - Charlton Heston Dies

4/7/2008 - Plight Of Missing Hikers Will Make Great Movie

4/7/2008 - Charlton Heston's Gun Taken From His Cold, Dead Hands

4/7/2008 - Olympic Torch Used To Ignite Tibetan Protesters

4/7/2008 - Apple Tops Wal-Mart In Music Sales

4/7/2008 - Pope Condemns College Of Cardinals For Host-Flicking

4/7/2008 - Mead Releases New Grad-School-Ruled Notebook

4/7/2008 - The Monster In Our Midst

4/6/2008 - Naked Man Mingles Freely In Locker Room

4/5/2008 - BP Opens Multi-Floor, 1,000-Pump Flagship Gas Station In Times Square

4/5/2008 - Suicide Hotline Operator Talking To Ex-Boyfriend Again

4/5/2008 - New Texas-Style Yogurt To Feed Man-Size Hunger For Yogurt

4/5/2008 - More Innovative Products

4/4/2008 - FDA Approves Napalm Breast Implants

4/4/2008 - Bernanke Says Recession Possible

4/4/2008 - Something Important: Are We Forgetting To Do It Right Now?

4/4/2008 - Comedian Jim Breuer At College Party For Some Reason

4/4/2008 - Computer Being Stupid

4/3/2008 - Weiland Out Of Velvet Revolver

4/3/2008 - Jose Canseco Composes Opera About Steroids

4/3/2008 - Yankees at Red Sox

4/3/2008 - New Personal MRIs Allow Paparazzi To Scan Celebrity Organs

4/3/2008 - Memphis Players Have Long, Complicated Explanation Of How They Are This Year's 'Rumpelstiltzkin' Story

4/3/2008 - Knicks Fast Break Takes Two-And-A-Half Minutes

4/3/2008 - Dwight Howard Teaches Children At Library To Shoot Books Into Garbage Can

4/3/2008 - On All The No. 1 Seeds Making It To The Final Four:

4/3/2008 - Friends Tell El Duque He Shouldn't Have To Change Windup For Mets To Like Him

4/3/2008 - MLB To Have Four More Opening Days This Season

4/3/2008 - C.C. Sabathia's Paunch Undulates Hypnotically In Cool Spring Breeze

4/3/2008 - Good Cop, Avid-Stamp-Collector Cop Routine Not Working

4/3/2008 - Smoove Is Waiting

4/3/2008 - Crowd-Related Disasters

4/2/2008 - Hungry FDA Official Orders Massive Pot Pie Recall

4/2/2008 - Stop Making Movies About My Books

4/2/2008 - Wacky Morning Zoo Crew DJ Threatened By Younger, Wackier Morning Zoo Crew DJ

4/2/2008 - Farmers Planting Less Corn

4/2/2008 - Hillary Receives 3 a.m. Phone Call From Drunken Bill Clinton

4/2/2008 - Blood...Blood Everywhere

4/2/2008 - Why Are We Leaving The Party?

4/2/2008 - Celebrity Drug Busts

4/1/2008 - Your Horoscope

4/1/2008 - Novelty Pencil Worn Down To The Nub

4/1/2008 - Search For 'Kick-Ass Shelves' Continues

4/1/2008 - Al-Qaeda Recruiting Western-Looking Operatives

4/1/2008 - New U.S. Smiley-Face Dollar To Boost Economy