1/31/2008 - On The Patriots Being Favored By 12 Points In The Super Bowl:

1/31/2008 - Ghost Of Barbaro Appears To Teach Nation True Meaning Of Barbaro Day

1/31/2008 - Sex Offenders To Register Email Addresses

1/31/2008 - Shaun White

1/31/2008 - Atlanta Fans Smile Politely Through Entire NHL All-Star Game

1/31/2008 - Cryptic Bill Belichick Insists He's Never Heard Of A Man Named Tom Brady

1/31/2008 - Plaxico Burress: 'I Am Taller Than The Patriots'

1/31/2008 - Roger Federer On Winning Australian Open: 'I'm Not Roger Federer, I'm Novak Djokovic'

1/31/2008 - Randy Moss Accused Of Stem-Cell Abuse

1/31/2008 - CIA On Torture Memo: 'We Need To Stop Writing This Stuff Down'

1/31/2008 - Jason Kidd Demands Trade To Peanutopolis

1/31/2008 - Nation's Bachelors Demand Health-Care Coverage For All Their Buddies

1/31/2008 - Super Bowl Hangovers

1/30/2008 - Live From Congress: Representative Wants To Rid Congress Of Gang Members

1/30/2008 - Pep Squad Accused Of Using Power Of Pep For Personal Gain

1/30/2008 - Virgin Unveils New Spaceship

1/30/2008 - We Must All Do Our Part To Preserve This Climate Of Fear

1/30/2008 - State Quarter Program Ending

1/30/2008 - Professional Sports Is Very Interesting

1/30/2008 - How Are We Preparing For A Recession?

1/30/2008 - Congress To Raise Alpacas To Aid Struggling Economy

1/30/2008 - Jakob Dylan Still Not Convinced Father A Better Songwriter

1/29/2008 - Final German U-Boat Surrenders To Allied Powers

1/29/2008 - Your Horoscope

1/29/2008 - Science Teacher Struggles To Justify Showing Total Recall

1/29/2008 - Lucille Calls Police On B.B. King

1/29/2008 - State Of The Union Address

1/28/2008 - Mysterious Traveler Entrances Town With Utopian Vision Of The Future

1/28/2008 - On The Vast Media Coverage of Tom Brady's Mildly Injured Foot:

1/28/2008 - Stoners Announce Plans To Get Stoned For That

1/28/2008 - New Global-Social-Positioning System To Help Lost Drivers Avoid Poor People

1/28/2008 - Editorial Cartoon - January 28, 2008

1/28/2008 - Economic Stimulus Package On Its Way

1/28/2008 - Depressed Candidate Runs Attack Ad About Self

1/26/2008 - Posters Of Naked Women Fail To Lure Real Naked Women To Dorm Room

1/26/2008 - No One Is Stabbed Or Anything At Off-Campus Party

1/26/2008 - Desperate U.S. Colleges Consider Emergency Bob Marley 'Legend' Ban

1/26/2008 - Area Man Got His Tattoos While Serving In College

1/26/2008 - Nation's Deans Meet To Discuss Problem Of Sexy College Girls Going Wild

1/26/2008 - Man Braves Freezing Weather To Cross Parking Lot

1/26/2008 - Chrysler Discontinues Neck-Belts

1/25/2008 - TV Critics Admit To Never Having Watched The Wire

1/25/2008 - Study Finds Link Between Being Struck By Cream Pie, Diminished Social Standing

1/25/2008 - Are Our Children's Masturbation Fantasies Getting Too Sexy?

1/25/2008 - Haves Work $3.6 Trillion Deal To Acquire Have-Nots

1/25/2008 - Yahoo! Cutting Jobs

1/24/2008 - Giants: 'We Almost Beat The Patriots Once, We Can Almost Beat Them Again'

1/24/2008 - Giants vs. Patriots

1/24/2008 - Tom Petty To Play Some New Stuff He's Been Working On At Super Bowl

1/24/2008 - NHL Out Three To Five Weeks With Sprained Right Poster Boy

1/24/2008 - Tour Bus Leaves With Wrong Passed-Out Drummer

1/24/2008 - Fan Of Other Team Booed

1/24/2008 - NFL Denies Miami Dolphins' Request To Watch Super Bowl

1/24/2008 - Brett Favre Still Taking Post-Game Shower

1/24/2008 - On The Death Of Chess Champion Bobby Fischer:

1/24/2008 - Huckabee Aides Going Unpaid

1/24/2008 - Super Bowl Special Events

1/24/2008 - Nation's Grandfathers To Receive Annual Shipment Of $2 Bills From U.S. Treasury

1/24/2008 - Troy Aikman Defends Disemboweling Joe Buck, Huddling Inside Corpse For Warmth

1/23/2008 - Breaking News: Series Of Concentric Circles Emanating From Glowing Red Dot

1/23/2008 - Report: 94% Of South Dakotans Unprepared For Mt. Rushmore Faces Coming Alive And Eating Everyone

1/23/2008 - Office Manager Very Pleased With New Work Refrigerator Policy

1/23/2008 - Britney Spears' Fragrance Soldiers On Without Her

1/23/2008 - Back In My Day, Being An American Gladiator Actually Meant Something

1/23/2008 - Top-Selling Nintendo Wii Titles

1/23/2008 - Bill Clinton: 'Screw It, I'm Running For President'

1/23/2008 - Stone To Direct Bush Biopic

1/23/2008 - Facebook's Popular Applications

1/23/2008 - I've Got A Lot Of Love To Barter

1/22/2008 - New Hobby Sucks

1/22/2008 - Your Horoscope

1/22/2008 - Jamie Lynn Spears Loses Custody Of Fetus

1/22/2008 - Caffeine Increases Miscarriage Chances

1/22/2008 - Report: 2007 Christmas Season Had Fewest Miracles On Record

1/21/2008 - As Obese Population Rises, More Candidates Courting The Fat Vote

1/21/2008 - Onion Publisher Emeritus Introduces The Onion's 'War For The White House' Web Site

1/21/2008 - Crush On Williams-Sonoma Employee Costing Man A Fortune

1/21/2008 - U.S. Briefly On Canadian Torture List

1/21/2008 - Ambulance Told To Shut Up

1/21/2008 - 3.2 Million Unemployed Americans Apply For Opening At Ohio-Area Bob Evans

1/21/2008 - Editorial Cartoon - January 21, 2008

1/20/2008 - Study: Uneducated Outbreeding Intelligentsia Two-To-One

1/19/2008 - Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New Anti-Depressant Is 'Worthless And Dumb'

1/19/2008 - Area Eccentric Reads Entire Book

1/18/2008 - New Defense Appropriations Bill Finally Allows Army To Buy Nice Bullets

1/18/2008 - Former Marine To Watch Lots Of TV

1/18/2008 - NATO Airdrops Condolence Cards

1/18/2008 - Suit Of Armor More Hassle Than It's Worth

1/18/2008 - American Idol Ratings Down

1/18/2008 - The Getting Fired Issue

1/18/2008 - Kraft Introduces New Kraft Doubles For Couples

1/18/2008 - Rock Song Takes Pro-Rock Stance

1/17/2008 - Olympic Runners Feeling Stupid For Cutting Off Legs Before Finding Out About Prosthetic Ban

1/17/2008 - Roger Federer

1/17/2008 - Dallas-Area Suicide Hotline Operators Get Their Popcorn Ready

1/17/2008 - Vegas Gives Patriots 1,000-Point Spread Over Chargers

1/17/2008 - Canucks-Blues Game Goes Into Extra-Puck-Time Or Something

1/17/2008 - Worst-Ever NFL Playoff Chokes

1/17/2008 - On The Music-Industry Steroid Bust Involving Timbaland, Mary J. Blige, And Tyler Perry, Among Others:

1/17/2008 - Brett Favre Promises To Throw Ball As Far As He Can In NFC Championship Game

1/17/2008 - Jessica Simpson Completes Elaborate Plan To Destroy Cowboys' Season

1/17/2008 - Department Of Treasure Releases 2008 Doubloons

1/17/2008 - Obama And Clinton Call Truce

1/17/2008 - Manning To Take Some Time Before Deciding Dungy's Future

1/17/2008 - New Roommates Attempt To Find Manly Way Of Saying Good Night

1/16/2008 - Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation With Wish For Unlimited Wishes

1/16/2008 - What Are We Doing On Our Sabbatical?

1/16/2008 - Failure Now An Option

1/16/2008 - Very Specific Food Pyramid Recommends Two To Three Shrimp Scampis Per Year

1/16/2008 - Minimalist Roller Coaster Designer Refuses To Use Loops

1/16/2008 - First Indian-American Governor Elected

1/16/2008 - On The Campaign Trail With Dennis Kucinich

1/16/2008 - I Strongly Disagree With Connellsville High School's Choice For The John Philip Sousa Award

1/16/2008 - Women Are Way Out Of My League

1/15/2008 - Disease-Free Water Tops List Of World's Most Popular Beverages

1/15/2008 - Area Man Sorry He's Late, Got Here As Fast As He Could

1/15/2008 - Carl's Jr. Founder Dead

1/15/2008 - Dick Clark Still Sitting There

1/15/2008 - Your Horoscope

1/14/2008 - Mitt Romney Defends Himself Against Allegations Of Tolerance

1/14/2008 - Editorial Cartoon - January 14, 2008

1/14/2008 - On The NBA Forcing the Hawks and Heat To Replay The Last 51.9 Seconds Of A Controversial Game:

1/14/2008 - Weinsteins To Reach Deal With Writers

1/14/2008 - Bait-Shop Employee Hoping Bait Blog Will Get Him Fired

1/14/2008 - Senate Meets At Coffee Shop To Brainstorm Legislation

1/14/2008 - Son's Black Market Value Checked Online

1/13/2008 - Haggar Physicists Develop 'Quantum Slacks'

1/13/2008 - E! Gives Local Masturbator Inside Scoop On This Summer’s Hottest New Swimwear

1/13/2008 - North Face Puffy Loincloths Introduced To Equatorial Market

1/13/2008 - Fashion Industry Pretends To Care About Plus-Size Models

1/13/2008 - JCPenney Abandons Its 45-Second Sale

1/12/2008 - Half Of 26-Year-Old's Memories Nintendo-Related

1/11/2008 - Plane Delay Leaves Hundreds Whiny

1/10/2008 - Study Counters Autism-Vaccination Link

1/10/2008 - Swanson Foods Launches Hungry Man Line Of Apparel

1/10/2008 - Fall Internship Pays Off With Coveted Winter Internship

1/10/2008 - One Mother's Unbelievably Long And Tedious Story

1/10/2008 - Syria Attends Mideast Peace Talks For Free Continental Breakfast

1/10/2008 - Clemens Files Defamation Lawsuit Against Steroids

1/10/2008 - DOT Declares Pothole Too Perfect To Fill

1/9/2008 - Phil Simms Mistaken For Life-Sized Cardboard Cutout Of Phil Simms

1/9/2008 - The New American Gladiators

1/9/2008 - On Abandoning The BCS In Favor Of A Playoff System:

1/9/2008 - National Champion LSU Retires At The Top Of Its Game

1/9/2008 - Tom Brady

1/9/2008 - Troy Aikman Promises Fair, Unbiased Commentary On Cowboys' Run To Super Bowl Championship

1/9/2008 - Coeds Drink More At Themed Parties

1/9/2008 - Struggling Arena Football League To Hold Game Outdoors

1/9/2008 - Detergent-Sponsored Version Of "MacBeth" Considerably Different

1/9/2008 - Shaq Asks To Have Injured Hip Replaced With Lasers

1/9/2008 - In The Know: Are We Giving The Robots That Run Our Society Too Much Power?

1/9/2008 - I'm Just A Simple Country Refrigerator Repair Technician

1/9/2008 - I Got What America Needs Right Here

1/9/2008 - Sports Through With Helping New Orleans Recover

1/8/2008 - Construction Of Stretch Of Turnpike Has Been Going On Since, Like, 1997

1/8/2008 - All-Dad Blues Band A Critical Disappointment

1/8/2008 - Word 'Immunity' Used Outside Of Reality Show For First Time In Five Years

1/8/2008 - McCain Wins New Hampshire Primary

1/8/2008 - Most Popular Suspicious Behaviors

1/8/2008 - Drinkable Water For America's Cities

1/8/2008 - Report: Someone Totally Doing It Somewhere Right Now

1/8/2008 - Report: American Schools Trail Behind World In Aptitude Of Child Soldiers

1/7/2008 - Mayor Says To Lose Weight

1/7/2008 - Senator Receives Yet Another Handgun Gift Basket From NRA

1/7/2008 - Your Horoscope

1/7/2008 - Not Snowing Over Here, Man On Phone Reports

1/7/2008 - Baby New Year Abandoned In Street

1/6/2008 - Area Man Thinks He Can Save Relationship With Pancakes

1/6/2008 - Anti-Cancer Machine Invented?

1/6/2008 - Gore Begins Training For 2004 Election In Remote Mountain Cabin

1/5/2008 - Kelly Klassic: 1988

1/5/2008 - Bush Begins Preparations For Nation's Final Year

1/5/2008 - Gratitude For Thank-You Note Plunges Friends Into Inescapable Appreciation Spiral

1/5/2008 - Congressional Fellatio Eliminated

1/4/2008 - Hundreds Of Republicans Hurt In Rush To Discredit Kerry

1/3/2008 - Exiled American King Triumphantly Returns To Washington

1/2/2008 - Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters

1/2/2008 - Condoleezza Rice To Voyage East

1/1/2008 - Congress Overturns Ban On Lawn Darts

1/1/2008 - President Bush Calls On Business Leaders To Create 500,000 Crappy Jobs

1/1/2008 - Your Horoscope