10/31/2008 - Obama's Record-Breaking Fundraising Effort Bankrupting NPR, World Wildlife Fund, ACLU

10/31/2008 - At The Movies

10/31/2008 - Supremes Court Upholds Stopping In The Name Of Love In 2-1 Decision

10/31/2008 - 10 Tips For Beautiful Hair The Government Doesn't Want You To Know

10/31/2008 - Halloween Restrictions Against Sex Offenders Blocked

10/31/2008 - Need For More Places To Sit Becomes Election's Most Important Issue

10/31/2008 - Area Man To Raise Dead Brother's Plants As His Own

10/30/2008 - MythReinforcers

10/30/2008 - Sen. Stevens Found Guilty

10/30/2008 - Struggling Lower-Class Still Unsure How Best To Fuck Selves With Vote

10/30/2008 - News Of Isiah Thomas Overdose Not As Fulfilling As Knicks Fan Would Have Hoped

10/30/2008 - Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin To Staff: 'What If Ben Roethlisberger Is Bad?'

10/30/2008 - Drew Brees

10/30/2008 - On David Beckham Requesting A Loan To A European Soccer Team:

10/30/2008 - Highlights From The First Half Of The NFL Season

10/30/2008 - Greg Oden Signs On For Six-Week Run In Broadway's 'Young Frankenstein'

10/30/2008 - Nickel Back Mentoring Dime Back

10/30/2008 - Long-Snapper And Son Long-Snap A Few Balls Around Backyard

10/30/2008 - Tim Duncan Offers To Drive NBA Players To Polling Place On Election Day

10/30/2008 - Olympic Rifleman Freelancing On Firing Squad

10/30/2008 - Obama Warns He May Cease To Exist Unless America Believes In Him

10/30/2008 - Tiny Frankfurter Appetizes Local Man

10/29/2008 - Please, Someone Do Something About Prison Sodomy

10/29/2008 - Who's Going To Do Something About Prison Sodomy?

10/29/2008 - Unlicensed Plumber and Tax-Evader Endorses McCain

10/29/2008 - Fleet Of Stem-Cell Container Trucks Ready To Go If Obama Elected

10/29/2008 - What Are We Handing Out For Halloween?

10/29/2008 - What In The Heck's A Barack Obama?

10/29/2008 - As Election Draws Near, Area Man Moves To All-Obama T-Shirt Rotation

10/29/2008 - Wachovia's Record Losses

10/29/2008 - A Vote For My Husband Is A Vote For Me Not Breaking Your Fucking Neck

10/29/2008 - Coworker Almost Got That Exact Same Thing When He Ate There

10/29/2008 - Jet Li Hugs 3 Friends At Once

10/28/2008 - In The Know: Has Halloween Become Overcommercialized?

10/28/2008 - 'I Would Make A Bad President,' Obama Says In Huge Campaign Blunder

10/28/2008 - Report: Election May Come Down To Single Candidate

10/28/2008 - McCain Tucks Extra Neck Skin Into Collar

10/28/2008 - MillerCoors Quietly Kills Zima

10/28/2008 - Everything That's Ever Been Popular To Be Turned Into Broadway Musicals

10/28/2008 - Your Horoscope

10/27/2008 - Bruce Springsteen Concert Totally Changes Area Man's Mind About Voting

10/27/2008 - Bob Barr On Two-Party System: "Waaah! Waaah!"

10/27/2008 - Obama Undertakes Presidential Internship To Ease Concerns About His Lack Of Experience

10/27/2008 - Granite State Blues

10/27/2008 - Editorial Cartoon - October 27, 2008

10/27/2008 - Microsoft Ad Campaign Crashing Nation's Televisions

10/27/2008 - Bill Clinton Starts Own Presidential School

10/27/2008 - Americans Voting Early

10/27/2008 - Report: Christmas Suicides Come Earlier Every Year

10/26/2008 - Lieberman's Overlords Most Displeased

10/26/2008 - Cindy McCain Claims She’s ‘Just Like Any Other Female Human’

10/26/2008 - Area Man Suspicious Of Subway Wrap

10/25/2008 - I'm Glad I Don't Have A Brain Yet, Because I Hate Elitism

10/25/2008 - The Week In Review

10/25/2008 - Area Man Saddened To Realize Short Jewish Women With An Interest In Theater His Type

10/25/2008 - Hopes, Dreams Crushed By Panel Of D-List Celebrities

10/24/2008 - Charlie Rose

10/24/2008 - Ron Paul Promises To Return When Country Needs Him Most

10/24/2008 - Swaggering Down 87%

10/24/2008 - Third Party Candidate Vic Valentine And How His Strategy To Take The Swinger State Vote Could Spoil The Election

10/24/2008 - Miss Teen Louisiana Dethroned

10/24/2008 - Palin Family Just Sitting Around Living Room Eating Jerky

10/23/2008 - Paris Hilton's My New BFF

10/23/2008 - Candidates Annoyed To Have To Take Stance On Zinc Mining

10/23/2008 - Double-Booked Tropicana Field Holds First Haunted House World Series

10/23/2008 - On High-Profile Games Between Small-Market Cities:

10/23/2008 - Dustin Pedroia Informs Nation That You Can't Win Them All

10/23/2008 - Fumble!

10/23/2008 - Tormented TBS Producer Wonders Why 'Steve Harvey Show' Was First Thing Out Of Mouth During Game 6 Technical Difficulties

10/23/2008 - The Traditional Championship Game Mayor's Bet

10/23/2008 - Tampa Bay Rays: "Fuck You, Cubs"

10/23/2008 - All-Time Rays Great Evan Longoria Throws Out First Pitch Of World Series

10/23/2008 - The 2008 World Series

10/23/2008 - Radio Interviewer Audibly Fellating Colt McCoy

10/23/2008 - Palin Charged Children's Travel To State

10/23/2008 - Researcher Secures Funding To Harass Living Shit Out Of Puffer Fish

10/22/2008 - Obama Purchases Ad Space On Side Of McCain’s Bus

10/22/2008 - McCain Blasts Obama As Out Of Touch In Burma-Shave-Style Billboard Campaign

10/22/2008 - You Jeanketeers Could Have Said Something Earlier, You Know!

10/22/2008 - What Else Is On The Ballot?

10/22/2008 - Madonna's Rocky Romances

10/22/2008 - Dollar Bill On Floor Sends Wall Street Into Frenzy

10/22/2008 - Zogby Poll: John Zogby Coolest Dude In America

10/22/2008 - When Life Gets You Down, Sometimes You Just Have To Make 'D4: The Mighty Ducks' Yourself

10/22/2008 - Obama Advertising In Video Games

10/22/2008 - Depressed Carpet Cleaner Turns Vacuum On Himself

10/21/2008 - Lawyers Charge Too Much

10/21/2008 - First Openly Gay Racehorse To Compete Sunday

10/21/2008 - Powerful Special Interest Group Momentarily Blanks On Agenda

10/21/2008 - The Week In Review

10/21/2008 - Bailiff Can’t Help Wondering What Life Would Be Like On Other Side Of Judge

10/21/2008 - Area Boy Enters Jumping-And-Touching-Tops-Of-Doorways Phase

10/21/2008 - Press Secretary's 'Zumtrel Flooby' Answer May Be Attempt To Evade Question

10/21/2008 - Your Horoscope

10/21/2008 - Powell Endorses Obama

10/21/2008 - Economic Crisis Traced To Bounced Check For $16

10/20/2008 - Editorial Cartoon - October 20, 2008

10/20/2008 - Plastic Surgeon General Warns Of Small Breasts Epidemic

10/20/2008 - Man's Alcoholism Getting A Little Out Of Hand

10/20/2008 - Starr Asks Fans Not To Write

10/20/2008 - Fleet Of Alien Destroyers Demand Details Of Obama's Universal Health Care Plan

10/19/2008 - John McCain Accidentally Left On Campaign Bus Overnight

10/19/2008 - Child So Stupid She Sees Letters Backwards

10/18/2008 - Dream About You Not Sexual, Coworker Reports

10/18/2008 - Amish Give Up

10/17/2008 - John McCain Not Going To Ask Cindy McCain Twice

10/17/2008 - All Larry King's Men

10/17/2008 - Study Finds No Logical Reason Why Planes Fly

10/17/2008 - Southern Sheriff Pulls Over Obama Campaign Bus For Broken Taillight

10/17/2008 - How Will History Remember Pol Pot?

10/17/2008 - Gmail Offers Drunk E-Mail Protection

10/17/2008 - Sci-Fi Channel Launches Battlestar Galactica: Miami

10/16/2008 - Dirty Sexy Money

10/16/2008 - Man Dives Haphazardly Into Conversation Like Wounded Osprey

10/16/2008 - Law Allows Abandoning Teens

10/16/2008 - Paranoid Kicker Thinks Team Purposely Scored Touchdown So He Couldn't Mess Up Field Goal

10/16/2008 - Sports And The Faltering Economy

10/16/2008 - B.J. Upton Always Dreamed Of Winning Game 2 Of ALCS With Shallow Sac Fly

10/16/2008 - Tony Womo Out Three To Four Weeks With Bwoken Widdle Fingey

10/16/2008 - Nation's Dads Find That Frank Caliendo Guy Pretty Funny

10/16/2008 - 2-3 Miami Dolphins Enjoying Magical Season

10/16/2008 - T.J. Houshmandzadeh Enjoys Ordering "The Houshmandzadeh" Just To See What Waiter Brings

10/16/2008 - Flyers Defenseman Ceremonially Checks Sarah Palin Into Boards

10/16/2008 - Manny Ramirez

10/16/2008 - Widow Out-Mourned

10/15/2008 - Mayday! Mayday! McCain Is Going Down!

10/15/2008 - No One Else But You Invited To Creepy Dave's Debate Party

10/15/2008 - On The NHL Season Beginning:

10/15/2008 - Poll: 85% Of Americans Would Like To See Candidates Compete In Funny Obstacle Course

10/15/2008 - The Imminent Collapse Of Global Markets Is No Reason To Skimp On Four-Season Gutter Protection

10/15/2008 - McCain Clinches Religious Vote With Stirring High-Register Rendition Of 'Ave Maria'

10/15/2008 - October Surprises In History

10/15/2008 - Bush Calls For Panic

10/15/2008 - Least Popular Work-Study Jobs

10/15/2008 - Was There Too Much Sex And Profanity In The HBO Presidential Debate?

10/15/2008 - 'I Am Under 18' Button Clicked For First Time In History Of Internet

10/15/2008 - British Corpses Piling Up

10/15/2008 - Man Covered In Flour, Chicken Feathers Has Everything Under Control

10/14/2008 - Barack Obama's And Manuela Fonetcilla's Race Problem Or Whatever Her Problem Is

10/14/2008 - Closed-Door Meeting To Determine Future Of Honey-Roasted Peanuts

10/14/2008 - Cool McCain Supporter Wears 'McCain 2000' Shirt To Campaign Speech

10/14/2008 - And If You Direct Your Attention To The X-Axis, You'll Find I Have No Idea What I'm Talking About

10/14/2008 - Your Horoscope

10/14/2008 - Palin Claims Innocence Despite Report

10/14/2008 - Colombian Bio-Engineers Create Gun-And-Drugs Tree

10/13/2008 - Precocious Youngster Sells Cookies To Buy Attack Ad

10/13/2008 - Bloody 'ell! Voter Registration Deadlines Are Nearly 'ere!

10/13/2008 - First-Ever Untouched Photos Of The Weird Birthmark On Barack Obama's Face

10/13/2008 - Editorial Cartoon - October 13, 2008

10/13/2008 - 900-Pound Giant Squid Joins Cast Of 'The View'

10/13/2008 - Scott Bakula Jumps Into McCain's Body Just Before Election

10/13/2008 - Financial Planner Advises Shorter Life Span

10/13/2008 - U.S. Debt Outgrows Debt Clock

10/13/2008 - Michelle Obama All That Stands Between Love-Struck Media, Barack Obama

10/12/2008 - 12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Volunteer To Give Women Breast Exams

10/12/2008 - U.S. Navy Will Now Refer To Left And Right As 'Thunk' And 'Moosh-Baroo'

10/11/2008 - The Anti-Obama Attack Campaign Is Developing, And So am I!

10/11/2008 - Infomercial Makes Leap To Big Screen

10/10/2008 - The Suspense! It's Killing Me!!

10/10/2008 - Obama Under Fire For Playing T-Ball During Vietnam

10/9/2008 - Much-Criticized Media Vows To Return To Softball Tactics

10/9/2008 - No Luck In Muscatine

10/8/2008 - Extreme Weather Alert: Meteorologists Predict Intensely Brisk Autumn

10/8/2008 - Obama Clinches 'Joe Cabernet Sauvignon' Vote

10/7/2008 - Our Nation's Prisons Are A Shambles

10/7/2008 - The Week In Review

10/7/2008 - Gunman Kills 15 Potential Voters In Crucial Swing State

10/7/2008 - Your Horoscope

10/6/2008 - Congress Can't Remember Last Time It Got Together And Legislated Like This

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: John Jameson's Miracle Concoction

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: Sing Ho! For the KING of Broil'd MEATS

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: Hy-Genic Apportionment Of Remaining Paper

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: By Many On-Lookers And Passers-Bye, Seen To Depart Out Mortal Vale In A Boothe

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: Two Feared Dead In Near-By Child-Birth

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: Kid-ney Bean Shaped Organ Recently Discovered

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: Immoral Woodcut Discovered In Hay Loft

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: To Be Sold - Two Chamber Pot House

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: A Most Drunken John Adams Makes The Promise To "Put" Man Upon The Moon

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: A Puzzle For The Mind

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: A Jest For You

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: Dances You May Wish To Try

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: Opera Lyrics Blamed For Recent Spate Of Regicides

10/5/2008 - Why Will No-One Take My Idea For The Tele-Vision Seriously?

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: Last Month's Weather

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: A Brief "Bring-You-Up-To-Date"

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: Weekley Duel Results

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: Civil War Pre-Enactors Have Stage'd "Battle of Bull Run"

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: To-day In American History

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: A Salt Cake Recipe

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: A Mischievous Woman Wander'd Outside Of Home

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: New Whimsical Tune Helps Drown Out Cries Of Anguish

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: Will New York Someday Be Too Crowded For Farming?

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: Only Thirteen Thousand Acres Of Forest Remaining On Manhattan Island

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: "Urban Sprawling" So Severe, Settlement's Cooking-Fires Can Be Seen From As Far As Greenwich Village

10/5/2008 - Special Report: The Great Onion Schism Of 1783

10/5/2008 - Special Report: Top Entertainers Of 1783

10/5/2008 - Special Report: The Fabrics Of 1783

10/5/2008 - Special Report: How The Onion Was Printed In 1783

10/5/2008 - Special Report: Adultery And Crime In 1783

10/5/2008 - Historical Archives: M. Webster’s New “Dictionary” Shall Burden Us With A Tyranny Of Words

10/5/2008 - Unknown Gunman In Hardee's Parking Lot On Verge Of International Fame

10/5/2008 - Community Leaders Outraged Over Porn Video

10/4/2008 - Historical Archives: New York Threatened By O'er-Crowding As Population Climbs To Twelve Thousands

10/4/2008 - Historical Archives: Owls Deemed Arse-Holes

10/4/2008 - Historical Archives: 14 Are Killed In 6-Hour-Long Schoolhouse Musket Shooting

10/4/2008 - Historical Archives: Benedict Arnold Is A Modern Day's Anthony Babington

10/4/2008 - Historical Archives: Citizens Are Now Free to Practise Any Form Of Protestantism They Want

10/4/2008 - Historical Archives: Great God, The Stenche

10/4/2008 - Historical Archives: Local Black-Smith is Disappointed By Son's Wishes To Be-Come a Wheel-Wright

10/4/2008 - Historical Archives: Popular Hymns heard sung of late.

10/4/2008 - Historical Archives: Humor In Shackles

10/4/2008 - Historical Archives: New Daily News, Paper Makes Mockery Of Seven-Day News Cycle

10/4/2008 - Historical Archives: To Be Sold - Carved Wooden Heads

10/4/2008 - Historical Archives: Is It Too Soon To Use The Boston Massacre As A Source Of Humour?

10/4/2008 - Historical Archives: One May Now Toil From Home

10/4/2008 - Historical Archives: Secret Society Of Free-Bakers Has Fail'd To Gain Influence

10/4/2008 - Historical Archives: News Of Revolutionary War's Conclusion Finally Reaches Southwestern Pennsilvania

10/4/2008 - Historical Archives: Ship's Log

10/4/2008 - Historical Archives: Alexander Hamilton Challenges Nation To A Duel

10/4/2008 - Historical Archives: A Most Amusing Duck Delays The Local Noontime Pillorying

10/4/2008 - Local Woman Devotes Life To Doing God's Busy Work

10/4/2008 - Hard Times Hit Springsteenville

10/3/2008 - Historical Archives: Facial Corsets For Ladies, Finally

10/3/2008 - Historical Archives: I Cannot Help That Women Are Oft Attracted To A Successful Pamphleteer

10/3/2008 - Historical Archives: Satan, Dark Harbinger Of Wickedness, Afflickts Townsfolk With String Of Ploughing Mishaps

10/3/2008 - Historical Archives: To Be Sold - Rather Large Buttons

10/3/2008 - Historical Archives: Our Nation's Monthly Leisure Time Rises To A Staggering Total Of Three Minutes

10/3/2008 - Historical Archives: Rural Quaker Scandalized By Intricate Furniture Pattern!

10/3/2008 - Historical Archives: The Twenty Top-Most Books In Print At Present

10/3/2008 - Historical Archives: Is Our Nation Ready For A Negro Citizen?

10/3/2008 - I'm Sitting On A Pretty Big Story

10/3/2008 - We Must Lower Age-Of-Consent Laws

10/3/2008 - Police: iPhone Left In Hot Car For Three Hours

10/3/2008 - Bush Calls In National Marching Band To Lift U.S. Spirits

10/3/2008 - Begging Your Pardon, Chaps, No Blog Today

10/3/2008 - 10 Years Of You Missing Out On The Google Money Train

10/3/2008 - Phish To Reunite

10/3/2008 - Bush Goes Blonde For Remainder Of Presidency

10/2/2008 - Historical Archives: Thousands More Teeth Lost

10/2/2008 - Historical Archives: John Jacob Astor Out Looking For Beaver

10/2/2008 - Historical Archives: That Inspirational Piper of '76 Has At Last Succumbed To His Head-Wounds

10/2/2008 - Historical Archives: To Be Sold - Tri-Cornered Shoes

10/2/2008 - Historical Archives: Notice To The Publik

10/2/2008 - Historical Archives: Bald Eagles Evr'y Where

10/2/2008 - Historical Archives: Wide-Spread Powder Shortage Confounds Nation's Bewigged.

10/2/2008 - Historical Archives: Amazing Publick Spectacle!

10/2/2008 - Historical Archives: Masthead

10/2/2008 - Scandal: McCain Won Miss Congeniality Of U.S. Senate In 2000, 2003

10/2/2008 - Looks Like I'm Not The Only One Growing A Pair Of Balls

10/2/2008 - Has It Biodegraded?

10/2/2008 - Parents Of Obama Volunteer Couldn't Be More Proud, Sick Of Son

10/2/2008 - Children Are Our Most Precious Natural Resource (Updated)

10/2/2008 - I've 'eard Me First Debate, I 'ave!

10/2/2008 - Man With Food In Beard Saying Something About Climate Change

10/2/2008 - Historical Archives: Hay Thieves Strike Again

10/2/2008 - Broncos Offensive Line Hoping Uniforms Make Them Look Fat

10/2/2008 - Mr. Met Takes Frustrations Out On Fans

10/2/2008 - Traffic Deaths Rise On Election Day

10/2/2008 - Playoff-Bound Brewers Celebrate By Spraying Mayonnaise In Locker Room

10/2/2008 - Breast Cancer Launches WNBA Awareness Month

10/2/2008 - Stock Market Plunges Another 700 Points On Rumor Josh Beckett Isn't 100% Healthy

10/2/2008 - CC Sabathia

10/2/2008 - On Shea Stadium Closing:

10/2/2008 - Baseball's Best Individual Postseason Performances

10/2/2008 - Tony Kornheiser Not About To Let Football Game Interrupt Tennis Anecdote

10/2/2008 - God Savoring Vast Array Of Cubs-Cursing Options

10/2/2008 - Richard Branson Purchases Remainder Of North Pole

10/1/2008 - Paul Newman Dies After Consuming 51 Hard-Boiled Eggs

10/1/2008 - Historical Archives: The World's Tallest Man Towers At Five Feet And Eleven Inches

10/1/2008 - 40,000 Pounds Of Slave Have Been Lost At Sea

10/1/2008 - Historical Archives: General Washington Hints At A 'Bid' For Presidency in 1789

10/1/2008 - Historical Archives: Iroquois Inſurgency Quelled By Gov’t.!

10/1/2008 - Historical Archives: Mule-Deaths Of Late

10/1/2008 - Historical Archives: The not'd and esteem'd OPINION of founder and sole editor, H. Ulysses Zweibel

10/1/2008 - Historical Archives: The Surgeon General Has Added Snuff To Tobacco Pyramid

10/1/2008 - Date Line

10/1/2008 - Header Image

10/1/2008 - Cost Of Paper

10/1/2008 - 'ave A Wonderful Election, America!

10/1/2008 - People Of Earth, I Lack Basic Social Skills

10/1/2008 - China Launches First Willing Manned Mission Into Space

10/1/2008 - What Is The $700 Billion Bailout Being Spent On?

10/1/2008 - Rules Of The Vice Presidential Debate

10/1/2008 - Area Man Pretty Sure It's Not Broken

10/1/2008 - Looks Like Someone Let The Affair Cat Out Of The Wife Bag

10/1/2008 - Churches Illegally Endorse Candidates

10/1/2008 - Lobbyist Gets Candy On Food Pyramid