9/30/2008 - Hurricane Katrina Returns To New Orleans To Apologize

9/30/2008 - Historical Archives: Ben Franklin Inventions This Week

9/30/2008 - John Kerry Actually Pretty Good At Windsurfing Now

9/30/2008 - Government Bails Out Dow Jones With 10,000 Points

9/30/2008 - Stock Market Posts Record Point Loss

9/30/2008 - Your Horoscope

9/30/2008 - Everything Midas CEO Touches Turns To Mufflers

9/30/2008 - The Bush White House

9/29/2008 - Obama Runs Constructive Criticism Ad Against McCain

9/29/2008 - Debate Aftermath. Who Won?

9/29/2008 - Palin Brushing Up On Foreign Policy At Epcot

9/29/2008 - U.S., Pakistan Exchange Fire

9/29/2008 - Editorial Cartoon - September 29, 2008

9/29/2008 - Members Of Twisted Sister Now Willing To Take It

9/29/2008 - Report: 60 Million People You'd Never Talk To Voting For Other Guy

9/29/2008 - Police Ferret Curled Up On Evidence

9/28/2008 - Vast Array Of Lip Balm Options Paralyzes Area Shopper

9/27/2008 - Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequence

9/27/2008 - Nation In Love With Girl From Record Store

9/26/2008 - Life Begins When I Damn Well Say It Does

9/26/2008 - Tiny Silver Death Machine: Election Coverage 2008 Part Two

9/26/2008 - Internet Explorer Makes Desperate Overture To Become Default Browser

9/26/2008 - Tiny Silver Death Machine: Election Coverage 2008

9/26/2008 - Bands Don't Ever All Get The Same Haircut Anymore

9/26/2008 - Department Of The Exterior Opens U.S. National Park In Norway

9/26/2008 - Are Staring Contests Prematurely Drying Our Children's Eyes?

9/26/2008 - New Moore Doc Released On Internet

9/26/2008 - McCain Puts Father-Son Junkyard Business Into Blind Trust

9/25/2008 - The Debates!! I Want To See Them So Bad!!

9/25/2008 - New Debate Rules Allow For One 15-Second Strangulation

9/25/2008 - Bailout Summit!

9/25/2008 - A Call For Change

9/25/2008 - I'll Have A Big Slice Of Humble Pie, Please!

9/25/2008 - Sarah Palin Is Electric!

9/25/2008 - I Know Exactly How Sarah Palin Feels

9/25/2008 - Obama & McCain Have A "Tip-Top" Time In Cedar Rapids

9/25/2008 - Introducing The Onion's Political Blog Team

9/25/2008 - Onion Publisher Emeritus Introduces The Onion's Election 'Blog'

9/25/2008 - Yankees Building New Vacation Stadium In The Hamptons

9/25/2008 - Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

9/25/2008 - Nation Secretly Hoping 9/11 Becomes A Day Off Soon

9/25/2008 - Packers Offensive Line Proves It Can Stop The Run

9/25/2008 - Al Davis

9/25/2008 - Yogi Berra On Final Game At Yankee Stadium: ‘Where Am I?’

9/25/2008 - Struggling Mets Combine To Form Carlos Voltron

9/25/2008 - Nationals Not Sure How They Got Run

9/25/2008 - On The Patriots Losing To The Dolphins:

9/25/2008 - Fan Steals Derek Jeter From Yankee Stadium

9/25/2008 - Lesser-Known Yankee Stadium Moments

9/25/2008 - Lions Owner Claims He Fired Matt Millen Three Years Ago

9/25/2008 - Mets To Play Brewers In One-Game Choke-Off

9/25/2008 - Palin Meets First Foreign Leaders

9/25/2008 - Janis Joplin's Spirit Found Dead Of Another Drug Overdose

9/24/2008 - Top Luxury Magazines

9/24/2008 - Point/Counterpoint: Gov. Palin Has No Experience vs. Please Keep Your Voice Down, My Poor Retarded Child Is Sleeping

9/24/2008 - Local Extension Cord Blasted For Failing To Reach Outlet

9/24/2008 - 'Boring,' Hillary Clinton Shouts From Senate Seat

9/24/2008 - Kissinger Instructs Palin On Finer Points Of Clandestine Carpet Bombing

9/24/2008 - Tim Robbins Tired Of Being Typecast As Relatively Tall Characters

9/24/2008 - Equal Opportunity Supporters Paid Less

9/24/2008 - Bakery Held Hostage By Child Picking Out Donuts

9/23/2008 - Another Disgusting Operation Proves John McCain Is Healthy

9/23/2008 - That Cheesecake Sitting On The Table: What If It Accidentally Fell Into Your Mouth?

9/23/2008 - Audio Guide Clearly Hates Degas

9/23/2008 - Your Horoscope

9/23/2008 - Obama Staff Pulled From North Dakota

9/23/2008 - City Places Orange Traffic Cones Around Space-Time Portal

9/22/2008 - McCain’s Economic Plan For Nation: 'Everyone Marry A Beer Heiress'

9/22/2008 - Plans For 9/11 Museum Revealed

9/22/2008 - McCain Campaign Nabs Top Obama Pun Writer

9/22/2008 - Man Succumbs To 7-Year Battle With Health Insurance

9/22/2008 - Editorial Cartoon - September 22, 2008

9/22/2008 - Cash-Strapped NPR Launches 'A Couple Things Considered'

9/22/2008 - Gov. Palin's E-Mail Hacked

9/22/2008 - Wealthy Housewife Learns Spanish For Some Reason

9/21/2008 - Chimp Study On Human Response To Feces-Hurling Nears Completion

9/20/2008 - EPA Shuts Down Local Ghost-Entrapment Business

9/20/2008 - Laid-Off Zoologist Goes On Tranquilizing Rampage

9/19/2008 - Area Father Remembers When He Thought Killing Family, Self Was Crazy

9/19/2008 - Congress Lowers Drinking Age To 17 Just For Jenny's Party

9/19/2008 - Ryan O'Neal, Son Arrested For Drugs

9/19/2008 - N64 For Sale!!!

9/19/2008 - Alpha Yam Resists Being Candied

9/18/2008 - Religion

9/18/2008 - Clean Jobs

9/18/2008 - F.A.L.

9/18/2008 - Area Man Committed To Being Spicy Food Guy

9/18/2008 - Carlos Zambrano

9/18/2008 - NFL's Worst-Ever Blown Calls

9/18/2008 - NFL Fines Pacman Jones For Not Tucking Gun Into Pants

9/18/2008 - Everything On TV Reminds David Wright Of Monumental Collapses

9/18/2008 - NASCAR Cancels Remainder Of Season Following David Foster Wallace's Death

9/18/2008 - Mike Holmgren Wondering If You've Ever Played Wide Receiver

9/18/2008 - Jewish Voters Push-Polled

9/18/2008 - Romeo Crennel To Charlie Weis: 'I Need You To Come Over Right Now And Stop Me From Eating These Five Chocolate Wedding Cakes'

9/18/2008 - Some Guy Wearing Packers Uniform Throws For 328 Yards

9/18/2008 - Injured Player Gives Thumbs-Down While Being Carted Off Field

9/18/2008 - On The Yankees Not Making The Playoffs:

9/18/2008 - Area Man Regrets Going Into Snifter Business

9/17/2008 - Obama Promises To Stop America's Shitty Jobs From Going Overseas

9/17/2008 - All-American Ticket Hails From Alaska, Panama Canal Zone

9/17/2008 - What Am I Going To Do With All These Dog Uteruses?

9/17/2008 - New Nervous-Energy Drink Recreates Feeling Of Waiting For Girl To Call

9/17/2008 - Obama Deletes Another Unread MoveOn.org E-Mail

9/17/2008 - Rumors Swirl Around Palin

9/17/2008 - My Son Has Exactly The Ideas Needed To Turn This Company Around

9/17/2008 - Candidates Vow To Fix Wall Street

9/17/2008 - Tennessee Nears Expiration Date

9/16/2008 - Palin Unveils 9/11 Firefighter Cousin, Reformed Lesbian Niece, Naturalized Mexican Half Brother

9/16/2008 - Known Gary Glitter Aliases

9/16/2008 - Dripping-Wet Josh Holloway Enters Local Restaurant

9/16/2008 - Parody Movie Script One Crotch-Hitting Joke Short Of Being Greenlit

9/16/2008 - Your Horoscope

9/16/2008 - Terrorism Training Videos Yanked From YouTube

9/16/2008 - Amateur Balloonist Accidently Floats Around World

9/15/2008 - Disney Lab Unveils Its Latest Line Of Genetically Engineered Child Stars

9/15/2008 - Word 'Presumptive' Prepares For Another 4-Year Hibernation

9/15/2008 - Gadgets

9/15/2008 - Editorial Cartoon - September 15, 2008

9/15/2008 - Night Of Watching Game Show Network Leaves Man Concerned About Life Insurance

9/15/2008 - ‘Carpe Diem,’ Says Man Who Spent Previous Day Masturbating In Darkened Room

9/15/2008 - Botox May Cure Migraines

9/15/2008 - The Week In Review

9/15/2008 - New Wolverines Mascot Savagely Mauls Star Player

9/14/2008 - Minister Constantly Mentions Teenage Son's Virginity

9/13/2008 - Woman Always Really Excited To Be In Whatever Relationship Status She's Currently In

9/13/2008 - Bakery Closing Nets Man Ton Of Free Eclairs

9/12/2008 - Inside Obama's Emails

9/12/2008 - Behind The Scenes Of 'Smash Mouth: Behind The Music'

9/12/2008 - McCain's Energy Plan Emphasizes Elbow Grease, Sleeve-Rolling-Up

9/12/2008 - National Endowment For The Arts Funds Construction Of $1.3 Billion Poem

9/12/2008 - Another Small Town With Fucked-Up Shit Beneath The Surface

9/12/2008 - Ron Paul Endorses Third Parties

9/12/2008 - Plastic Surgeon Shows Off Collection Of Famous Nose Cartilage

9/11/2008 - Obama Suddenly Panicked After Gazing Too Far Into Future

9/11/2008 - Uncomfortable Emptiness

9/11/2008 - Nation Hit Hard

9/11/2008 - Bored Man To Participate In 2,200 Mile Bike Race

9/11/2008 - Female Fans Out For Season With Tom Brady's Knee Injury

9/11/2008 - On Tom Brady's Season-Ending Injury:

9/11/2008 - Mets Invite Phillies Back To Shea Stadium For A Nightcap

9/11/2008 - Chinese Womens' Paralympic Team Under Investigation For Having Arms, Legs

9/11/2008 - Notable Sports Injuries

9/11/2008 - ESPN Holds ‘SportsCenter’ Of Silence For Tom Brady

9/11/2008 - Michigan at Notre Dame

9/11/2008 - Fox NFL Robot Misses Week One Due To Contract Holdout

9/11/2008 - Tim Duncan Forwards Story About Particle Accelerator To Spurs Teammates

9/11/2008 - Kim Jong Il May Have Had Stroke

9/11/2008 - Area Man's Longest Finger Selected For Mission To Bottom Of Peanut Jar

9/10/2008 - Economists Warn Anti-Bush Merchandise Market Close To Collapse

9/10/2008 - I Was Under The Impression That Everyone Loved My Headlocks

9/10/2008 - Crumpled-Up Potato Chip Bag Spotted In Bathroom Trash Can

9/10/2008 - Voter Registration Efforts

9/10/2008 - Hey, Where Did All My Stuff Go?

9/10/2008 - Struggling Air Force One To Begin Selling Passenger Tickets

9/10/2008 - Report: More Television Viewers Becoming Desensitized To Drama

9/10/2008 - Matthews, Olbermann Ousted As MSNBC Anchors

9/10/2008 - President Bush Only Has To Spend 20 Trillion To Inherit Bush Family Fortune

9/9/2008 - Pre-Game Coin Toss Makes Jacksonville Jaguars Realize Randomness Of Life

9/9/2008 - Best-Selling Exercise Equipment

9/9/2008 - McCain Silences Critics With Perfectly Executed Cartwheel

9/9/2008 - Christian Couple Staying Together For Sake Of God

9/9/2008 - Your Horoscope

9/9/2008 - Government To Take Over Big Two Lenders

9/9/2008 - Brave Mountain Lion Fends Off Group Of Hikers

9/9/2008 - Scarlett Johansson Plunges Sexily To Her Death

9/8/2008 - The Week In Review

9/8/2008 - Editorial Cartoon - September 8, 2008

9/8/2008 - Chrysler Names '83 LeBaron CEO

9/8/2008 - Cows Instinctively Know North

9/8/2008 - Accident Reconstructionist A Hit At Family Reunion

9/6/2008 - No One On SWAT Team Wants To Wait In Ventilation Duct With Howard

9/6/2008 - Homicidal Surgeon General May Be Hazardous To Your Health

9/5/2008 - RNC Coverage: Morning In America

9/5/2008 - RNC Coverage: SOS

9/5/2008 - RNC Coverage: Red Meat

9/5/2008 - RNC Coverage: Playing "Ruff"

9/5/2008 - RNC Coverage: More Of The Same

9/5/2008 - RNC Coverage: Saluting Our Veterans

9/5/2008 - Extreme Foreclosure: Home Edition

9/5/2008 - RNC Coverage: Line In The Sand

9/5/2008 - RNC Coverage: Lady Liberty

9/5/2008 - Evolutionists Flock To Darwin-Shaped Wall Stain

9/5/2008 - We Try Way Too Hard And Come Off As A Little Racist With Our Dawg Lil' Wayne

9/5/2008 - Gum May Aid Colon Surgery Recovery

9/5/2008 - New 'Gatorade Slow' Targets Lazy Demographic

9/4/2008 - Drop It Like It's Hot

9/4/2008 - Miracle Dog Gives Birth To Septuplets

9/4/2008 - Abortion Not Linked To Depression

9/4/2008 - Some Vietnamese Woman Left At The Front Of The Convention Center Says She's McCain's Daughter, Can Someone Go Find Him?

9/4/2008 - The Week In Review

9/4/2008 - Drug Dealer Disappointed Josh Hamilton Didn't Reach Full Potential As Heroin Addict

9/4/2008 - Shaun White Has Xtremely Lazy Day

9/4/2008 - Brett Favre Getting That Retirement Itch Again

9/4/2008 - Yankees Sign 16-Year-Old GM Prospect Out Of The Dominican

9/4/2008 - Michael Phelps Winks Mischievously After Setting Off Airport Metal Detector

9/4/2008 - Onion Sports 2008 College Football Rankings

9/4/2008 - On The Beginning Of Football Season:

9/4/2008 - Viking at Packers

9/4/2008 - Area Dad Hopes Son's Interest In Long Jumping Just A Phase

9/4/2008 - David Ortiz, Jason Bay Yet To Complete Elaborately Choreographed Handshake

9/4/2008 - Gold Medalist Michael Phelps Signs Up To Endorse Pool Noodles

9/3/2008 - RNC Coverage: No Children Left Behind

9/3/2008 - Being A Detective Who Talks To Ghosts Not As Exciting As It Looks On TV

9/3/2008 - RNC Coverage: Tradition And Honor

9/3/2008 - RNC Coverage: Secret Weapon?

9/3/2008 - RNC Coverage: News Bloodhounds

9/3/2008 - RNC Coverage: Not Settling On Second Best

9/3/2008 - I'm Fryin' My Nuts Off!

9/3/2008 - RNC Coverage: In The Pantheon Of X-Cellence

9/3/2008 - What Crafts Are We Making?

9/3/2008 - RNC Coverage: The Long, Hard Slog

9/3/2008 - RNC Coverage: The Last Man

9/3/2008 - RNC Coverage: "Saint" Paul!

9/3/2008 - Protecting Our Banks

9/3/2008 - New Little Caesars Marketing Strategy Has Employees Throw Themselves On Hoods Of Passing Cars

9/3/2008 - Inconveniencing Others Makes Me Feel Alive

9/3/2008 - Flies Have Constant Escape Plan

9/3/2008 - Top Story On John McCain Run Out Of Obligation

9/3/2008 - New Denim Jacket Bolsters Consumer Self-Confidence

9/2/2008 - RNC Coverage: Judge Not

9/2/2008 - McCain Speechwriter Trying To Write Lines That Don't Lead To Creepy Smile

9/2/2008 - RNC Coverage: The Great North Woods

9/2/2008 - ATM Flees To Mexico With $50,000

9/2/2008 - RNC Coverage: Learning To Forgive

9/2/2008 - Gay War Hero Awarded Posthumous Dishonorable Discharge At White House Ceremony

9/2/2008 - Your Horoscope

9/2/2008 - Clinton Supporters Contributing To McCain

9/2/2008 - Brendan's Brother Reports 'Brendan Is So Dead'

9/1/2008 - Old, Grizzled Third-Party Candidate May Steal Support From McCain

9/1/2008 - Cheney Waits Until Last Minute Again To Buy Sept. 11 Gifts

9/1/2008 - Editorial Cartoon - September 1, 2008

9/1/2008 - Man Pinned Under Blankets For Three Days

9/1/2008 - McCain Chooses Palin As VP

9/1/2008 - New 'Reality Television Delusion' Diagnosed

9/1/2008 - McDonald's To Post Warning Labels On Individual Fries