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2009 April
4/30/2009 - Kidnappers Running Out Of Fingers To Send
4/30/2009 - The 10 Finalists Of Our Annual "Send Us $65" Contest
4/30/2009 - For Gay Couple, Fulfilling Lifelong Dream Of Marriage Not Worth Moving To Iowa
4/30/2009 - If You Ever Need Somebody To Stand Around And Not Contribute, You Know Where To Find Me
4/30/2009 - New Video Game Technology Finally Allows Rendering Of Smaller Breasts
4/30/2009 - On Jacoby Ellsbury's Rare Steal Of Home:
4/30/2009 - Screaming Albert Pujols Warns Baserunner Not To Step On His Herb Garden
4/30/2009 - Matt Stafford
4/30/2009 - Specter Switches Sides
4/30/2009 - Notable Choke Jobs
4/30/2009 - Retired Big Brown Given ESPN Commentator Position
4/30/2009 - Nation Dumbfounded As To Why Little-Leaguer's Favorite Player Is Chipper Jones
4/29/2009 - Stunned Supporter Finally Leaves McCain Victory Party
4/29/2009 - Ambassador Stages Coup At UN, Issues Long List of Non-Binding Resolutions
4/29/2009 - National Diet Of Japan
4/29/2009 - What Are We Finishing Since We've Been Laid Off?
4/29/2009 - 'St. Elsewhere' PA Grilled By Howie Mandel's Biographer
4/29/2009 - Air Force One Photo Op Shocks New Yorkers
4/28/2009 - Jetliner Briefly Passes Through Heaven
4/28/2009 - Craigslist Server Contracts HPV
4/28/2009 - Congress Working On Credit Card Reform
4/28/2009 - Auction Won By Crab With $20 Stuck In Claw
4/28/2009 - What The Hell Am I Supposed To Do With All These Constitutional Rights?
4/28/2009 - Lost Cat, Dog On Journey Die Immediately
4/28/2009 - Swine Flu Epidemic Hits U.S.
4/28/2009 - Outfielders Take Knee, Infielders Move Up In New 'Jason Varitek Shift'
4/27/2009 - Obama Maintains Cool Demeanor While Reading End Of 'Old Yeller' To Schoolkids
4/27/2009 - Autoworkers Compete to Keep Jobs, Livelihoods on New Reality Show
4/27/2009 - Well, Duh!
4/27/2009 - Editorial Cartoon - April 27, 2009
4/27/2009 - FEMA Unveils Nationwide Phone Tree In Case Of Emergency
4/27/2009 - Yahoo! Shutting Down GeoCities
4/27/2009 - Shaq To Guest Referee Game 1 Of Eastern Conference Championship
4/27/2009 - G-175 Nations Convene To Discuss How Things Can't Possibly Be Any Worse
4/26/2009 - Misogynist Gets Laid
4/26/2009 - The Billionaire Matchmaker
4/26/2009 - Last Few Republican Senators Form Roman Tortoise
4/26/2009 - The Week In Review
4/25/2009 - Passed-Out Guy On Front Lawn Better Not Be Dead
4/25/2009 - This Apparently That Year Marlins Win World Series Again
4/25/2009 - Three Fingered On Class Trip To Washington, D.C.
4/24/2009 - Area Showoff Sets Sights On Hula Hoop
4/24/2009 - Biden Quietly Singing Pearl Jam's 'Even Flow' During Security Briefing
4/24/2009 - Top Yard Sale Items, 2009
4/24/2009 - New York Times 'Faces Of The Dead' Editor Just Needs A Couple More To Fill Out Corner
4/24/2009 - Major League Baseball
4/24/2009 - Indian Business Students Into 'Mein Kampf'
4/24/2009 - Report: Lions To Use No. 1 Pick In NFL Draft On Ryan Leaf
4/24/2009 - Pushpin Industry Thriving In Recession
4/23/2009 - Hypothermic Stripper Nearly Dies Inside Ice-Cream Cake
4/23/2009 - Well, There Goes Our Dream Vacation To Somalia
4/23/2009 - Tax Day Celebrated With 'Tea Parties'
4/23/2009 - Suspect Wins Over Detectives With 'Rockford Files' Reference
4/23/2009 - The Greatest Guitar Smashers
4/23/2009 - John Madden
4/23/2009 - Supreme Court Hears Strip-Search Case
4/23/2009 - Gary Sheffield Joins 230 Untainted Home Run Club
4/23/2009 - Deriba Merga Dedicates Boston Marathon Victory To Pit Crew
4/23/2009 - On Derrick Rose's Record-Setting Playoff Performance:
4/23/2009 - Celebrating John Madden
4/23/2009 - First Homo Leagues Player Shatters MLB Sexuality Barrier
4/22/2009 - Unbelievably Cool Group From High School Still Unbelievably Cool
4/22/2009 - Should We Be Doing More To Reduce The Graphic Violence In Our Dreams?
4/22/2009 - Seymour Hersh Uncovers New Thing Too Sad To Think About
4/22/2009 - How Are Corporations Going Green?
4/22/2009 - Venus Day 2009: 10 Things
You
Can Do To Help Rid The Atmosphere Of Noxious, Flesh-Burning Sulfuric Acid
4/22/2009 - Stupid Man Overshadowed By Louder Stupid Man
4/22/2009 - Spam A Global Warming Issue
4/21/2009 - God Makes Surprise Visit To Local Church
4/21/2009 - Unemployed Coroner Opens Autopsy Stand
4/21/2009 - Boeing Unveils 40,000-Foot Emergency Slide
4/21/2009 - Simple Tips For A Greener House
4/21/2009 - Sir, You're Going To Have To Ask Me To Leave
4/21/2009 - Hillary Clinton Launches Intimidating New Fragrance Line
4/21/2009 - Jackie Chan Endorses Government Control Of Chinese
4/21/2009 - Wade Phillips Excited About Upcoming NFL Giraffe
4/20/2009 - Brad Pitt Signs On To Play Top Hat In Forthcoming Monopoly Movie
4/20/2009 - More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas
4/20/2009 - Your Horoscopes
4/20/2009 - Editorial Cartoon - April 20, 2009
4/20/2009 - Director For ASPCA Commercial Demands Sadder Looking Dogs
4/20/2009 - WTC Rebuild Delayed
4/20/2009 - Oprah's African School Forced To Cut Oprahmatics, 20th Century Oprah History
4/20/2009 - Bloodstained Gary Bettman: 'I Have Taken The Necessary Measures To Ensure A Crosby-Ovechkin Final'
4/20/2009 - China Celebrates Its Status As World’s Number One Air Polluter
4/19/2009 - News Anchor Assures Area Caller He's Not Larry
4/19/2009 - The Week In Review
4/19/2009 - Safety School
4/18/2009 - Art Professor Revealed To Be Convincing Fake
4/18/2009 - John Starks Leads Knicks To Victory In Promotional 1994 Roster Night
4/18/2009 - Mr. Pretty-Boy Farmer Still Has All His Fingers
4/17/2009 - 2-Week Bender Just Flies By
4/17/2009 - Life Lessons With Dez
4/17/2009 - Supreme Court Justices Keep Citing Cases Roberts And Alito Are Too Young To Remember
4/17/2009 - NASA
4/17/2009 - CIA Headquarters Disappears
4/17/2009 - Tickets Up, Concessions Down
4/17/2009 - Brawl Clears Benches Of Everyone But J.D. Drew
4/17/2009 - NASA Embarks On Epic Delay
4/17/2009 - Making Your Block Greener
4/16/2009 - Collapse Of Wayne Industries Forces Batman Into Late-Night Infomercials
4/16/2009 - Going Too Far. How Far Is It? Is This Too Far? Because We Don't Think It Is.
4/16/2009 - I'm Not One Of Those Insecure Generals Who Needs To Win A Lot Of Battles
4/16/2009 - Area Woman's Safety Net Braces For Another Impact
4/16/2009 - Angel Cabrera
4/16/2009 - DHS Warns Of Rise in Right-Wing Extremism
4/16/2009 - Harry Kalas Tribute Video Somehow Narrated By Harry Kalas
4/16/2009 - 2009 Masters Winner Also Given Matching Green Pants
4/16/2009 - Who Will Be The New Voice Of NFL Films?
4/16/2009 - On Boston University winning the NCAA Hockey Championship:
4/16/2009 - Mr. Met Having Trouble Sleeping In New Home
4/15/2009 - Movie Star To Raise Awareness About Dying Like Moron After Son Dies Like Moron
4/15/2009 - Treasury Department Issues Emergency Recall Of All U.S. Dollars
4/15/2009 - Favorite Mixers
4/15/2009 - New GM-Segway Vehicle Coming
4/15/2009 - Concerts Held To Wish World's Poor Good Luck
4/15/2009 - Marilyn Chambers Dead At 56
4/14/2009 - Media Having Trouble Finding Right Angle On Obama's Double-Homicide
4/14/2009 - Area Woman Finds Nude Sculpture Of Herself At Shady Art Show
4/14/2009 - First 10 Minutes Of Chess Game Spent Explaining Replacement Pieces
4/14/2009 - Six Things I'd Like To Do Before I Die!
4/14/2009 - Apparently Man Can't Just Hate Bowling
4/14/2009 - Captain Rescued From Pirates
4/14/2009 - New ESPN GameCast Feature Allows Your Team To Win
4/14/2009 - Your Horoscopes
4/13/2009 - Chrysler Bags Together Day-Old Sebrings For Discount
4/13/2009 - Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Exceeds Two Hand Jobs
4/13/2009 - English Soccer Game
4/13/2009 - Editorial Cartoon - April 13, 2009
4/13/2009 - The Week In Review
4/13/2009 - Advertising Firm Unveils New Mute-Resistant Commercials
4/13/2009 - Michael Bay Signs $50M Deal To Fuck Up 'ThunderCats'
4/13/2009 - Texas Legislator Wants Asians To Americanize Names
4/13/2009 - Mets Fans Perplexed By New Stadium's Prominent Tim Teufel Statue
4/12/2009 - Belief In Guitar God Gets Area Guitarist Through Each Day
4/12/2009 - I'd Hit That
4/11/2009 - Amateur Metallurgist Always Ready To Melt Things Down
4/11/2009 - Alcohol Only Thing Making Operating Heavy Machinery Bearable
4/11/2009 - Roster-Depleted Bears Sign Tire Swing For Cutler To Throw To
4/11/2009 - Boss Gets Into Groove After 3rd Round Of Layoffs
4/10/2009 - Homeless To Phase Out Dimes By 2011
4/10/2009 - Common-Law Wives Of Pulaski County
4/10/2009 - Where Are We Hiding Our Easter Eggs?
4/10/2009 - Gated Community Interviews Dozens For Exclusive Drug Dealer Position
4/10/2009 - Nation's Power Grid Hacked
4/10/2009 - Tim Duncan Hams It Up For Crowd By Arching Left Eyebrow Slightly
4/10/2009 - Empowered Man Murders Controlling Wife In Lifetime For Men Original Movie
4/9/2009 - Diabetic Roommate Uses All The Insulin Again
4/9/2009 - The World's Most Terrifying Hook
4/9/2009 - Blindfolded Panetta Shipped To Kabul In Hilarious CIA Hazing Ritual
4/9/2009 - Some Guy Who's Not Stephen Colbert To Deliver College's Commencement Speech
4/9/2009 - 25 Years Of WrestleMania
4/9/2009 - Orlando Air Traffic Controllers Lack Experience
4/9/2009 - Wayne Ellington
4/9/2009 - On The Women's NCAA Championship:
4/9/2009 - Phil Mickelson Has Perfect Comeback If Tiger Woods Makes Fun Of Him For Being Left-Handed
4/9/2009 - Tyler Hansbrough Takes Year Off To Play Basketball In Peace Corps
4/9/2009 - Bill Bellamy Elected To Rock 'N' Jock Basketball Hall Of Fame
4/8/2009 - Obama Accused of High-Sticking In Bicameral Hockey Playoffs
4/8/2009 - Study: Children Exposed To Pornography May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable
4/8/2009 - Tax Preparation Tips
4/8/2009 - World's 467,357th-Ranked Tennis Player Working On Serving Overhand
4/8/2009 - Inept Coworker Increasingly Difficult To Fantasize About
4/8/2009 - Press Allowed To Cover Return of Dead Soldiers
4/7/2009 - 2008 Tax Records Reveal Sasha Obama Made $136 In Allowance Money
4/7/2009 - Global Economy Faces New Threat From Below
4/7/2009 - Celebrity Tax Deductions
4/7/2009 - Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
4/7/2009 - Stop Anthropomorphizing Me
4/7/2009 - Injured Manu Ginobili Only Flopping At 85%
4/7/2009 - Your Horoscopes
4/7/2009 - Chinese Takeout Restaurant Thought It Had Seen Man At His Worst
4/7/2009 - 2 Billionth Netflix Disc Shipped
4/6/2009 - Giant Protest Puppet Kills Dozens Of Peace Drummers
4/6/2009 - Hot New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In The Face
4/6/2009 - The Late Show
4/6/2009 - How Are We Spending Our Tax Refunds?
4/6/2009 - Editorial Cartoon - April 6, 2009
4/6/2009 - Chinese Takeout Restaurant Has Seen Man At His Worst
4/6/2009 - Panicked, Sweat-Covered Pope Reverses Longstanding Ban On Abortion
4/6/2009 - Ono Auctions Sky Puzzle For Autism
4/5/2009 - Florida Woman Getting Pale For Vacation In Minnesota
4/5/2009 - The Week In Review
4/4/2009 - Times Square-Themed Store To Open In Disney World
4/4/2009 - History Channel Helicopter To Give Viewers Bird's Eye View Of History
4/4/2009 - Cubs To Continue Tradition Of Playing Baseball
4/4/2009 - Two Dozen More Bodies Found In Lake Wobegon
4/3/2009 - Arthritic Driver Finally Flips Off Pedestrian
4/3/2009 - Cyrus Doesn't Want 'Hannah Montana' Sequel
4/3/2009 - Archer Daniels Midland
4/3/2009 - White College Player Does Hair Before Game
4/3/2009 - Incredible 'Business-Man' Has Salary Of 10 Regular Men
4/3/2009 - The Theme Song From Duck Tales And Why It's Now Stuck In Your Head
4/3/2009 - Study Finds Paint Aisle At Lowe's Best Place To Have Complete Meltdown
4/2/2009 - Former Tallest Kid In Class Should Have Done More With It
4/2/2009 - Let's Go See The New Nicolas Cage Movie!
4/2/2009 - Hush Falls Over Prison Population As Madoff Stabs Cellmate In Throat
4/2/2009 - Goran Suton
4/2/2009 - 'ER’ Draws To Close
4/2/2009 - 'SportsCenter' Adds 125 New Monitors To Set
4/2/2009 - Great Comebacks From Injury
4/2/2009 - Sean O'Hair Gains Revenge By Angrily Masturbating To Tiger Woods' Wife
4/2/2009 - On Obama's Failed NCAA Bracket
4/2/2009 - Cheering Fans, Thrilling NCAA Tournament Disgust BCS Officials
4/1/2009 - Sex-Crazed Dandelion Cross-Pollinates Entire Neighborhood
4/1/2009 - Morning Show Host Starts Charity To Rid World Of Flying Debris
4/1/2009 - Top Coffee Substitutes
4/1/2009 - New Report Calls For Radical Food Changes
4/1/2009 - Historic Senator Robert Byrd Imploded In Controlled Demolition
4/1/2009 - Hefner Selling House Next To Playboy Mansion