1/31/2009 - Saturday Night Live

1/31/2009 - Area Man Already Tired Of Prison

1/31/2009 - Heartbroken Demolitions Expert Throws Himself Into His Work

1/30/2009 - Affirmative Action!

1/30/2009 - Genetic Experiment Goes Horribly Right

1/30/2009 - Asian Teen Has Sweaty Middle-Aged-Man Fetish

1/30/2009 - What Are You Waiting For? Somebody To Give You A Kiss, You Fucking Baby?

1/30/2009 - Octuplets Doing Well

1/30/2009 - 9th Pair Of Doublemint Twins Is Dead

1/29/2009 - Father-Son Softball

1/29/2009 - Bouncer Moved To Tears By Tale Of Friends Already In Club

1/29/2009 - Football Players Suffering Brain Damage

1/29/2009 - On The Super Bowl:

1/29/2009 - Greatest Individual Super Bowl Performances

1/29/2009 - Kurt Warner Requests HBO Be Blocked At Cardinals' Hotel

1/29/2009 - Steeler Defense Renamed 'Mid-Level White-Collar Curtain' To More Accurately Reflect Contemporary Pittsburgh

1/29/2009 - Super Bowl XLIII Spontaneously Breaks Out On Media Day

1/29/2009 - Laid-Off Pittsburgh Mill Worker To Put Off Suicide Until After Super Bowl

1/29/2009 - Francis Scott Key To Sing National Anthem At Super Bowl XLIII

1/29/2009 - Super Bowl XLIII

1/29/2009 - Super Bowl Football To Be Slightly Bigger

1/29/2009 - Overexcited Super Bowl Grounds Crew Paints Wrong Lines On Field

1/29/2009 - Entire U.S. Stealing Cable TV From Greg

1/28/2009 - Why Aren't We On Facebook?

1/28/2009 - The Israeli Conflict Is Far Too Nuanced And Complex To Sum Up In One Op-Ed/Not If You Hate Jews!

1/28/2009 - Secluded Cabin In Woods Filled With Big Plans For America

1/28/2009 - Business Bankruptcies Looming In 2009

1/28/2009 - I Don't Define Myself By My Ability To Travel Between Dimensions

1/28/2009 - Country CD Put On To Impress Repair Guy

1/28/2009 - 55,000 Laid Off Monday

1/28/2009 - Local Man's Seizure Was Coolest Thing Anyone's Ever Seen

1/27/2009 - Obama Disappointed Cabinet Failed To Understand His Reference To 'Savage Sword Of Conan' #24

1/27/2009 - How To Wax Your Floors Without Slipping And Severing Your Spine

1/27/2009 - Your Horoscope

1/27/2009 - Blagojevich Claims Behavior Was Just Elaborate Plan To Surprise Patrick Fitzgerald With Senate Nomination On His Birthday

1/27/2009 - Oh Wait, Area Man Not Paul

1/27/2009 - Area Woman Encouraged By Sight Of Other Woman Drinking Beer Alone At Airport Bar

1/27/2009 - Second Deadly Monster Truck Accident

1/27/2009 - Disney Puts On Magical Parade Of Layoffs

1/26/2009 - Kim Jong Il Announces Plan To Bring Moon To North Korea

1/26/2009 - Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

1/26/2009 - Gullible Diners

1/26/2009 - Dennis Quaid Not Up For Any Oscars

1/26/2009 - Kennedy Removes Self From Senate Consideration

1/26/2009 - Search Area For Remote-Controlled Plane Expanded To Bushes

1/25/2009 - What You Could Be Watching Right Now

1/25/2009 - 4 Careers Killed In Film Shooting

1/24/2009 - Area Teen Up To Something

1/24/2009 - Species Makes Unwelcome Comeback

1/23/2009 - Celebrity Russian Roulette Showdown

1/23/2009 - Foreman Whips Up Special Batch Of Concrete For Favorite Customer

1/23/2009 - Tina Turner Burns Down Legs For Insurance Money

1/23/2009 - Michael Jordan Opens Up About Acting In Hanes Commercials

1/23/2009 - New Virus Infects One In 16 PCs

1/23/2009 - Donatella Versace Lays Deposit Of Sleek Leather Pouches

1/22/2009 - Meet The Press

1/22/2009 - The Rise Of Obama

1/22/2009 - Man Always Attempts To Intercept Tossed Things

1/22/2009 - Dan Rooney Crushed Beneath Weight Of Lamar Hunt Trophy

1/22/2009 - Great Moments In Pre-Super Bowl Hype

1/22/2009 - Attention-Seeking Willis McGahee Almost Ruins Steelers' Good Time

1/22/2009 - Oklahoma City Still Waiting For NBA Team To Arrive

1/22/2009 - New President, New Website

1/22/2009 - Mike Tomlin

1/22/2009 - NFL Players Asked To Come Up With Catchy Slogan For 2009 Super Bowl

1/22/2009 - On The Cardinals Going To Their Very First Super Bowl:

1/22/2009 - Beaten, Bloodied T.J. Houshmandzadeh Hoping Obama Closes Gitmo Soon

1/22/2009 - Kurt Warner Last Player Remaining From 1947 Cardinals

1/22/2009 - Donovan McNabb: 'Eagles Fans Deserve This Loss More Than Anyone'

1/22/2009 - CEO Lays Off 5,000 Workers To Impress Girlfriend

1/21/2009 - Hey Man, You Got A Second So I Can Fire You?

1/21/2009 - Bully Tragically Trusted To Sign Arm Cast

1/21/2009 - Obama Inauguration Speech Ruined By Incessant Jackhammering

1/21/2009 - Take Time To Talk To Your Child About Whatever Crap They Like

1/21/2009 - Security Measures For The Inauguration

1/21/2009 - Inauguration Crowd Moves To White House Gates To Watch Presidency Happen

1/21/2009 - More Peanut Butter Products Recalled

1/21/2009 - No One At White House Knows What To Do With Old Pair Of Rumsfeld's Pants

1/21/2009 - The Legacy Of George W. Bush

1/20/2009 - Police Say School Shooter Had Troubled Past, History Of School Shootings

1/20/2009 - Hillary Clinton Mouthing Along To Presidential Oath

1/20/2009 - Most Frequently Heard Words In Obama's Inauguration Speech

1/20/2009 - Joe Biden Shows Up To Inauguration With Ponytail

1/20/2009 - Your Horoscope

1/20/2009 - Bush Dies Peacefully In His Sleep

1/20/2009 - Democrats In Control

1/20/2009 - New Martha Stewart Recipe A Message To Enemies

1/19/2009 - Bratz Dolls May Give Young Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size

1/19/2009 - Editorial Cartoon - January 19, 2009

1/19/2009 - Vacation To Israel Canceled Due To History Of Israel

1/19/2009 - Mattress King Selects Wife From Small Wisconsin Village

1/19/2009 - Obama To Close Guantanamo

1/19/2009 - Area Man Not For The Squeamish

1/18/2009 - United Flight Crew Hits Up Passengers For Gas Money

1/17/2009 - The Week In Review

1/17/2009 - Incompetent Staff Feels Underappreciated

1/17/2009 - Coca-Cola Scholarship Just 15 Cases of Coke

1/16/2009 - How About Shutting Up?

1/16/2009 - Lesser Piece Of Paper Used To Test Pen's Viability

1/16/2009 - Man Gets Into Mess Usually Reserved For Stars Of Silent Film Era

1/16/2009 - Slimming Down To Fit Into Your Superbowl Outfit

1/16/2009 - Gannett Forces Employees To Take Unpaid Week Off

1/16/2009 - Neighborly Days Inn Guest Brings Welcome Basket To New People Across Hall

1/15/2009 - Unexpressed Love

1/15/2009 - Facebook Friend Apparently Dead Now

1/15/2009 - Charles Barkley Finally Gets That Blow Job

1/15/2009 - Controversial Hall of Fame Selections

1/15/2009 - Jake Delhomme Throws Keys To Wrong Valet

1/15/2009 - Colts Retire Tony Dungy's Sweater Vest

1/15/2009 - Rickey Henderson Says He'll Only Join Hall Of Fame If He Can Start

1/15/2009 - Tim Tebow

1/15/2009 - Archie Manning: "Donovan McNabb Is Also My Son"

1/15/2009 - Texans Elect First Jewish Speaker

1/15/2009 - FIFA Player Of The Year Ronaldo Almost Forgets To Thank His Feet

1/15/2009 - On No #1 Seeds Making It To The NFL Conference Championships:

1/15/2009 - Andy Reid Vows To Eat Philadelphia Delicacy If Eagles Win, Arizona Delicacy If Eagles Lose

1/15/2009 - Roommate Invited To Join Suicide Pact Out Of Politeness

1/14/2009 - Blagojevich Just Getting Started

1/14/2009 - Bush, Cheney Stand Back-To-Back, Cock Shotguns One Last Time

1/14/2009 - This Short Story About A School Shooting Is Actually Pretty Good

1/14/2009 - How Are We Losing Holiday Weight?

1/14/2009 - GM Auctioning Off Classic Cars

1/14/2009 - Spider Eggs Hatch In Bush's Brain

1/14/2009 - I Will Do Whatever It Takes To Restore Your Faith In My Excuses

1/14/2009 - Winehouse, Husband Divorcing

1/14/2009 - Lazy Nation Fears Obama Will Create Millions Of Jobs

1/13/2009 - U.N. Acquires Nuclear Weapon

1/13/2009 - Congress Debates Adding Elaborate Dance To Obama's Inauguration Ceremony

1/13/2009 - Prescription Put In 2009 New Year's Eve Glasses

1/13/2009 - Vice Presidential Handlers Lure Cheney Into Traveling Crate

1/13/2009 - Your Horoscope

1/13/2009 - Health Insurance Expensive For Unemployed

1/13/2009 - Startled Print Consultant Shoots Ink At Coworkers

1/12/2009 - Survivors Of Gas Station Explosion Mourn Tragic Loss Of Gasoline

1/12/2009 - Bush Spends Day Feverishly Booby-Trapping Desk

1/12/2009 - Editorial Cartoon - January 12, 2009

1/12/2009 - Horde Of Orange Monsters Exits Local Tanning Salon

1/12/2009 - Difficult To Tell If T.J. Maxx Hit Hard By Recession

1/12/2009 - California's IOU Tax Refunds

1/12/2009 - What Should Have Been Waffles Eaten For Breakfast

1/11/2009 - 97th Birthday Celebrated With Nurses Who Just Happened To Be On Duty

1/10/2009 - The Week In Review

1/10/2009 - Sixth Senate Page Dragged Away By Congressional Swamp Creature

1/10/2009 - Roommate Eats Emergency Preparedness Kit

1/9/2009 - Are You Emasculating Your Boyfriend? Make Him Take Our Quiz

1/9/2009 - Sexy Detective

1/9/2009 - Gallant Man Extremely Concerned About Drunk Woman's Welfare

1/9/2009 - Powerful Rest And Fluids Industry Influencing Doctors' Treatment Of Colds

1/9/2009 - Consumer Electronics Show Shrinks

1/9/2009 - Vice President Cheney Seen Dragging Egg Sac Through West Wing

1/8/2009 - Obscuroclasts

1/8/2009 - People In Commercial Having More Fun With Camera Than Humanly Possible

1/8/2009 - Bank CEO Requests No Bonus

1/8/2009 - On The Broncos Firing Head Coach Mike Shanahan:

1/8/2009 - Spark Of Humanity Fades From Mark Teixeira's Eyes After Signing With Yankees

1/8/2009 - Tim Gunn Takes Wizards Shopping For Less Hideous Uniforms

1/8/2009 - LaDainian Tomlinson To Play Next Game Without A Groin

1/8/2009 - Kentucky Player Must Explain Significance Of AutoZone Liberty Bowl Before Coed Sleeps With Him

1/8/2009 - Yankees Boost Payroll By Signing A-Rod Again

1/8/2009 - Teammates Pretty Sure Ben Roethlisberger Can No Longer Remember Their Names

1/8/2009 - 2008 Bowl Game Highlights

1/8/2009 - NBA To Experiment With 3-Minute Games

1/8/2009 - Peyton Manning

1/8/2009 - New High-Tech Laugh-O-Meter Can Measure 1/1,000th Of A Titter

1/7/2009 - New Dog Digs Up Old Dog

1/7/2009 - Where Are We Taking Our Visiting Parents?

1/7/2009 - People Like Food

1/7/2009 - McDonald's Makeover

1/7/2009 - Area Teen Accidentally Enters Teen Center

1/7/2009 - I Have Completed Stage One Of Our Plan To Take Over The World

1/7/2009 - China Cracking Down On Digital Pornography

1/7/2009 - Robbie Knievel Plans Transcontinental Wheelie

1/6/2009 - Terror Experts Warn Next 9/11 Could Fall On Different Date

1/6/2009 - Man Who Crossed Nation In Balloon Only Wants To Talk About Horse Abuse

1/6/2009 - Captain Asks Stranger To Keep Eye On Destroyer While He Runs To Bathroom

1/6/2009 - Single-Engine Cessna Crashes Into Bush

1/6/2009 - Your Horoscope

1/6/2009 - Franken Likely Winner

1/6/2009 - Scientists Discover Pumpkin-Pie-Based Cancer Cure

1/5/2009 - Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

1/5/2009 - Editorial Cartoon - January 5, 2009

1/5/2009 - Lazy Daredevil To Lie Across 12 Couches

1/5/2009 - Survival Of Autoerotic Asphyxiation Closest Thing Man Got To Christmas Miracle

1/5/2009 - Testosterone Patch Revives Female Sex Drive

1/5/2009 - NASA Embarks On First Mission To Iowa

1/4/2009 - Roomba Continues Gathering Evidence Against Human Captor

1/3/2009 - Bomb Sniffing Dog Humps Bomb Defusing Robot

1/2/2009 - Voice Recognition Software Yelled At

1/1/2009 - Super Bladder Improves Urination Process