Sitemap: 2009 September | The Onion

9/30/2009 - Red Lobster Introduces New Jellyfish Sting-A-Roos

9/30/2009 - You Got Robbed!

9/30/2009 - What Did We Just Run Over?

9/30/2009 - Pentagon Report Concludes Too Many Soldiers Have Same Nickname

9/30/2009 - Secret Service Investigating Facebook Poll

9/29/2009 - Amateur Assassin Slits Throat From Ear To Nose

9/29/2009 - Obama Addresses U.N.

9/29/2009 - Nation Demands Fresh Celebrity Meat

9/29/2009 - Fly On Wall Can’t Believe They're Restructuring Entire West Coast Division

9/29/2009 - It's Still Not Too Late To Greet Us As Liberators

9/29/2009 - After 40-Day Search, Authorities Finally Replace Missing Boy

9/29/2009 - Polanski Arrested On 31-Year-Old Sex Charge

9/29/2009 - Greed In America

9/29/2009 - Your Horoscopes

9/28/2009 - God Smites Area Man For Distracting Him From Tree Frogs

9/28/2009 - Crime Reporter Finds Way Of Linking Warehouse Fire To Depraved Sex Act

9/28/2009 - Somebody Gave Kelsey Grammer Another Goddamn Show

9/28/2009 - Editorial Cartoon - September 28, 2009

9/28/2009 - NFL Scientists Postulate Theoretical Down Before First Down

9/28/2009 - Man's Facebook Status Given Book Deal

9/28/2009 - British Relax Assisted-Suicide Laws

9/28/2009 - Pepsi To Cease Advertising

9/27/2009 - Entire Planet Feels Like It's Being Watched

9/27/2009 - 'Billy Beane Of Office Softball' Profiled In Book 'MoneySoftball'

9/26/2009 - Army Of Dead Has No Problem Meeting Recruitment Goal

9/26/2009 - Jealous GPS Clearly Wants Man To Back Over Wife

9/26/2009 - Confused NASCAR Driver Runs Over 30 Golfers During Attempt To Win FedEx Cup

9/25/2009 - Surprise Witness Punches Out Prosecutor

9/25/2009 - Cat Congress Mired In Sunbeam

9/25/2009 - So You Think You Can Consistently Attract The 18-To-34 Demographic

9/25/2009 - John Maine Takes Pitch Requests At Poorly Attended Mets-Nationals Game

9/25/2009 - Obama Trying Out Social Policies In 'Second Life'

9/25/2009 - Mackenzie Phillips Had Sex With Father

9/25/2009 - Sexy Career Woman To Take Hot Bath After Stressful Day

9/25/2009 - One Man's Chilling Tale Of Needing To Get To An ATM Pretty Soon

9/24/2009 - Second Tattoo Is Added To Explain First Tattoo

9/24/2009 - Andy Reid Carted Onto Field To Shake Hands With Sean Payton

9/24/2009 - My Living Nightmare Of Encouraging Kids To Read Is Over

9/24/2009 - Team Pretending To Celebrate With Kicker

9/24/2009 - Couple Sneaks Away From Party For A Little Arguing

9/24/2009 - Tim Lincecum

9/24/2009 - Flavored Cigarettes Banned

9/24/2009 - Features Of The Dallas Cowboys' New Stadium

9/24/2009 - On The Jets Defeating The Patriots 16-9

9/24/2009 - Dallas Cowboys Release Jerry Jones

9/23/2009 - Benign Growth Removed From Pope Benedict's Head Now Blessing Things On Its Own

9/23/2009 - Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar

9/23/2009 - Unremarkable Planet

9/23/2009 - Who Are We Naming Our Babies After?

9/23/2009 - Tuition In Tough Times

9/23/2009 - Shrewd Umpire Not About To Be Fooled By Catcher Moving Glove Into Strike Zone

9/23/2009 - Kid With Cancer Hopes To Realize Dream Of Meeting Competent Oncologist

9/23/2009 - Edwards Alleged To Have Love Child

9/23/2009 - The Week In Review

9/22/2009 - New Heart-Shaped Sniper Scope Makes It Impossible For Marines To Shoot Enemies

9/22/2009 - Nadir Of Western Civilization To Be Reached This Friday At 3:32 P.M.

9/22/2009 - Tire Salesman To Hit Them With A Little Razzle-Dazzle

9/22/2009 - P.S. I Love You

9/22/2009 - Troy Polamalu All Over Orthopedic Clinic

9/22/2009 - Spatial Skills Abandon Area Man During Search For Correct Tupperware Lid

9/22/2009 - Your Horoscopes

9/22/2009 - Nigerian Officials Try To Block 'District 9'

9/21/2009 - Champagne Is Drained From Business Community Pool

9/21/2009 - Bad Habits Of People You Are Better Than

9/21/2009 - BREAKING NEWS: BAT LOOSE IN CONGRESS

9/21/2009 - Man Not Belonging To Movie's Target Demographic Escorted From Theater By Hollywood Officials

9/21/2009 - Editorial Cartoon - September 21, 2009

9/21/2009 - ‘Athletes Can Play Through Those Injuries,’ Says Man Who Gets Sore From Sitting Too Long

9/21/2009 - Pregnant And Infirm Given First H1N1 Vaccine

9/21/2009 - George W. Bush Chuckles To Self Upon Thinking About How He Was President Of The United States For Almost A Decade

9/20/2009 - Insurance Company Sets Value Of John Mayer's Hands At Just Under $38

9/19/2009 - Area Man Mows Around Dead Body

9/19/2009 - Free-Range Chicken Makes It To Bolivia

9/19/2009 - TMZ

9/19/2009 - Job Became Completely Humiliating So Gradually Area Man Barely Noticed

9/18/2009 - Sexy Alien Does Not Understand This Thing Humans Call 'Love'

9/18/2009 - The NFL On Fox Pre-Pre-Pre-Pre-Pregame Show

9/18/2009 - John Stockton Assists Hall Of Fame Officials In Setting Up Induction Ceremony

9/18/2009 - Michael J. Fox Reluctantly Fields Hoverboard Question During Parkinson's Research Benefit

9/18/2009 - Color Blindness Cured in Monkeys

9/18/2009 - Melting Ice Caps Expose Hundreds Of Secret Arctic Lairs

9/17/2009 - Sears Holds Its Annual Back-To-Congress Sale

9/17/2009 - How To Stay Goth Past 50

9/17/2009 - I Was Dying Way Before Every Other Celebrity Started Doing It

9/17/2009 - Report: Growing Ranks Of Nouveau Poor Facing Discrimination From Old Poor

9/17/2009 - DHS Sets Security Alert Level To Green For 8 Seconds

9/17/2009 - Lesser-Known Moments In Michael Jordan's Hall Of Fame Career

9/17/2009 - New York Giants vs. Dallas Cowboys

9/17/2009 - Would-Be Burglar Killed With Sword

9/17/2009 - Frustrated Serena Williams Snaps Dildo In Half Inside Herself

9/17/2009 - On Roger Federer's amazing between-the-legs shot in the U.S. Open

9/17/2009 - Derek Jeter Honored For Having Fewer Hits Than Harold Baines

9/17/2009 - Week 1 Of NFL Season Proves Tackling Still Preferred Method Of Bringing Down Ball Carrier

9/16/2009 - Airline Cuts Costs By Becoming Terrible Airline

9/16/2009 - Law & Order: SVU

9/16/2009 - Ex-Football Star Running For Congress

9/16/2009 - Why Are We Working Late?

9/16/2009 - The Troubled Future Of Reality Shows

9/16/2009 - Death Of 12 Schoolchildren Makes Perfect Sense

9/15/2009 - President Obama Narrowly Escapes Square Dance

9/15/2009 - U.S. Government Finds $20 Trillion Buried By Absentminded Reagan In 1987

9/15/2009 - Self-Defense Instructor Simulates Attacker Right Down To Erection

9/15/2009 - Come Now, Let Us Take Refuge Inside This Waffle House

9/15/2009 - Superstitious John Lackey Has To Build, Destroy A Luxury Hotel Before Every Start

9/15/2009 - Amish Woman Knew She Had Quilt Sale The Moment She Laid Eyes On Chicago Couple

9/15/2009 - Music Companies Suing 'Ellen'

9/15/2009 - Crime & Crime Fighters

9/15/2009 - Your Horoscopes

9/14/2009 - Authorities Called In To Examine Suspicious-Looking Ham

9/14/2009 - U.S. Condemned For Pre-Emptive Use Of Hillary Clinton Against Pakistan

9/14/2009 - The Real Squirrels Of Orange County

9/14/2009 - Editorial Cartoon - September 14, 2009

9/14/2009 - Dogs As Smart As 2-Year-Olds

9/14/2009 - Web Gem Disappointing

9/14/2009 - None Of Area Man's Friends Have Ever Seen Him With Shirt On

9/14/2009 - Outrageous Pictionary Drawing To Go Down In Area Family Lore

9/13/2009 - Town Loses All Hope After Closing Cheesecake Factory

9/12/2009 - Company Says It's Producing A Lifestyle, Not A Corn Chip

9/12/2009 - Small-Town Sheriff Has Actually Killed Surprising Amount Of People

9/12/2009 - East Carolina Grad Thinks East Carolina A State

9/12/2009 - Area Man Unsustainable, Experts Warn

9/11/2009 - Nation's Wood Nymphs Unveil Plan To Reduce Dependence On Foreign Dewdrops

9/11/2009 - Friends

9/11/2009 - Does This Man Know He's About To Get His Achilles Tendon Slashed?

9/11/2009 - Eight Sailors Suspended In Boat-Clearing Brawl

9/11/2009 - University Of Illinois Researchers Find Link Between Attending University Of Illinois, Receiving Solid Education At Great Price

9/11/2009 - Die Young, Live Fast

9/11/2009 - Liechtenstein, Andorra Forced To Fight By Larger Countries

9/10/2009 - Alphabetizing Project Abandoned At 'M'

9/10/2009 - Americans Observing 9/11 By Trying Not To Masturbate

9/10/2009 - A Smoove Evening

9/10/2009 - Latest Department Of Interior River Count Comes Up One Short

9/10/2009 - Greenlit Sports Movies Of 2009

9/10/2009 - Wikipedia Contributors Mostly Male

9/10/2009 - Mark Sanchez

9/10/2009 - No One On 'Baseball Tonight' Staff Recalls Hiring Dave Winfield

9/10/2009 - On the start of the 90th NFL season

9/10/2009 - Team Jacket-Wearing, Transistor Radio-Listening Fan Sitting By Himself

9/10/2009 - Chase Utley Takes Seventh-Inning Stretch Too Seriously, Report Teammates

9/9/2009 - Bail Money Factored Into Vacation Fund

9/9/2009 - Cable News Tutorial

9/9/2009 - What Didn't We Get Around To This Summer?

9/9/2009 - Who Will Replace Kennedy

9/9/2009 - Man Abuses Child Quietly Out Of Respect For Other Diners

9/9/2009 - Teens Don't Tweet

9/8/2009 - President Obama Holds Surprise Rooftop Press Conference

9/8/2009 - Thousands Of Abandoned, Foreclosed Homes Threatened By Florida Hurricane

9/8/2009 - 'Diary Of Anne Frank' Found In Attic

9/8/2009 - The Week In Review

9/8/2009 - I Don't Need Drugs To Have A Good Time And Jump Through A Plate-Glass Window Into A Pool 15 Stories Below

9/8/2009 - Teacher Wishes She Could Inspire One Of The More Popular Students

9/8/2009 - Xbox 360 Least Reliable

9/8/2009 - Your Horoscopes

9/7/2009 - New 2010 Rake Hits Store Shelves Today

9/7/2009 - NFL Players Mentor Troubled Detroit Lions

9/7/2009 - American Experience

9/7/2009 - Area Man Has Heard Of Andre Ethier

9/7/2009 - Editorial Cartoon - September 7, 2009

9/7/2009 - White Sufficiency Movement Asserts Whites Right Up There With Other Races

9/7/2009 - Kevin Youkilis Keeps Everyone On Bus Awake With Another One Of His Nasty Sex Stories

9/7/2009 - Cartel Kills 18 In Rehab

9/7/2009 - Next Tarantino Movie An Homage To Beloved Tarantino Movies Of Director's Youth

9/6/2009 - Homeless Scientists Unveil World's First Hobotron

9/5/2009 - Local Man Glad To Find There Was Nothing Personal Behind Murder Of Family

9/5/2009 - Inexplicably Bad Movie Night

9/5/2009 - Fred Durst Spray Paints 'Limp Bizkit' On Bridge

9/5/2009 - Pack Of Baseball Cards Comes With Doubles Of Jose Fucking Contreras

9/4/2009 - Onion Radio News Announces Annual Poetry Contest Winner

9/4/2009 - Haiti Makes Bid For 2216 Olympics

9/4/2009 - America: Is It Worth The Effort?

9/4/2009 - Yamaha CEO Pleased With Current Production Of Jet Skis, Alto Saxophones, Snowmobiles, Power Generators, Scooters, Golf Carts

9/4/2009 - Arizona Wildcats Freshman Point Guard Already Calling School 'Zona'

9/4/2009 - Gmail Suffers Major Outage

9/4/2009 - Loser Senior Takes Loser Freshman Under His Wing

9/3/2009 - Area Coach Calls Star Athlete Too Big To Fail

9/3/2009 - How Will Michigan Rebound In 2009?

9/3/2009 - Mad Men

9/3/2009 - You Follow One Kid Home, Rip Out His Eyes And All The Sudden You're A 'Killer' Squirrel

9/3/2009 - Walletless Biden Found Handcuffed To Bedpost

9/3/2009 - Bill Belichick's Tears Eat Through Podium

9/3/2009 - Colt McCoy

9/3/2009 - Starting Pitcher Not Allowed To Start, Pitch

9/3/2009 - Mother Of 18 Pregnant

9/3/2009 - Small, Unathletic Walk-On Injures 9 Starters In Notre Dame Football Practice

9/3/2009 - On the 2009 U.S. Open

9/2/2009 - Chocolate Factory Switches To All-Tourist Labor

9/2/2009 - What Student Organizations Are We Joining?

9/2/2009 - 2009's Most Popular Classes

9/2/2009 - Bernanke Had ID Stolen

9/2/2009 - Pack Of Harpies Ordered Their Crostini Literally 20 Minutes Ago

9/2/2009 - Report: Some Kid's Head Cracked Open In Gym This Morning

9/1/2009 - New Species Of Lobster May Have Come From Outer Space

9/1/2009 - Jostens Unveils New Engagement Rings For Pregnant High-Schoolers

9/1/2009 - Ask A College Professor Having Trouble With The Audiovisual Equipment

9/1/2009 - Your Horoscopes

9/1/2009 - Batting Doughnut Creator Still On Cutting Edge Of Making-Bats-Feel-Lighter-Than-They-Are-For-A-Few-Seconds Technology

9/1/2009 - New College Freshman Refers To Dorm By Actual Name

9/1/2009 - RNC's Health Scare Tactics

9/1/2009 - Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids