5/31/2010 - U.S. Fat Reserves Full

5/31/2010 - Mike Brown Claims He Was Scapegoat For Cavaliers Terrible Coaching

5/31/2010 - Amazing Original Thing To Become Hated Cliché In 6 Months

5/31/2010 - Obama Skipping Memorial Day Ceremony

5/31/2010 - Adderall Receives Honorary Degree From Harvard

5/30/2010 - Hubble Space Telescope Destroyed By Spielberg-Gates Space Fortress

5/30/2010 - Tops & Bottoms

5/29/2010 - Abused Child Running Out Of Black Crayon

5/29/2010 - Report: Celtics, Lakers Finals To Allow Sportscasters To Endlessly List The Last Names Of Former Celtics, Lakers

5/29/2010 - Work Friend Accidentally Becomes Real Friend

5/28/2010 - NHL Needs To Raise $5,000 In 24 Hours If It Wants To Hold Stanley Cup Finals

5/28/2010 - The Real Can-Redeemers of Brooklyn

5/28/2010 - Area Man Visits Haiti To Check Up On $10 Donation

5/28/2010 - Venus Williams: 'I Only Wear Outfits My Dad Picks Out For Me'

5/28/2010 - Philadelphia Flyers vs. Chicago Blackhawks

5/28/2010 - Getting To Know New Nets Owner Mikhail Prokhorov

5/28/2010 - On The Indy Crowd Booing Danica Patrick

5/28/2010 - President Obama Mentions He'd Like To See LeBron James In Chicago, Also That He's Leader Of The Free World

5/28/2010 - Wishing Our Readers A Kick-Ass Three-Day Weekend

5/27/2010 - Pigeon To Invoke Power Of Flight

5/27/2010 - Congressmen Submit Emergency 3 AM Bill Demanding IHOP Stay Open All Night

5/27/2010 - Ask A Man's Thoughts During A Moment Of Silence For Our Troops

5/27/2010 - BP Pledges To Continue Being Huge Profitable Corporation

5/27/2010 - GOP Argues Against 9/11 Hero Care

5/27/2010 - Existentialist Firefighter Delays 3 Deaths

5/26/2010 - Entire Facebook Staff Laughs As Man Tightens Privacy Settings

5/26/2010 - Calderón's Communication Breakdown

5/26/2010 - U.S. To Hold Naval Exercises With South Korea

5/26/2010 - Chelsea Lately

5/26/2010 - Area Man Tries To Throw Split-Fingered Fastball, Breaks Arm In 9 Places

5/26/2010 - Boy Stops Worshipping Dad At Record Age Of 3

5/25/2010 - White House Jester Beheaded For Making Fun Of Soaring National Debt

5/25/2010 - What's Keeping Us Up At Night?

5/25/2010 - Tony Blair Apparently Not British Prime Minister Anymore

5/25/2010 - Well, It Looks Like My Work Here Has Been Successfully Avoided

5/25/2010 - NASCAR Considers Single 21,500 Mile Race For 2011 Season

5/25/2010 - Man Actually Shouting At Other Man To Get Jennifer Aniston Romantic Comedy Made

5/25/2010 - Latest 'Shrek' Weaker Than Last

5/25/2010 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 25, 2010

5/25/2010 - Social Conventions

5/24/2010 - Christian Groups: Biblical Armageddon Must Be Taught Alongside Global Warming

5/24/2010 - Blackhawks Attempt To Find Out Why Shark On San Jose Logo Is Eating Hockey Stick

5/24/2010 - Apartment Building Super Swap

5/24/2010 - New Hank Aaron Biography Reveals He Hated Hitting Home Runs

5/24/2010 - Costner Tests Water-Cleaning Device In Gulf

5/24/2010 - 'Lost' Possibly Still Airing In Parallel Dimension, Desperate Fans Report

5/24/2010 - National Parks Closed For Annual Remajestification

5/22/2010 - Justice Stevens Retires To Spend More Time Dying In Front Of Family

5/22/2010 - Deranged Gunman Opens Fire On Shooting Range

5/21/2010 - Nation Just Finding Out That Flyers Came Back From 3-0 Deficit By Reading This Right Now

5/21/2010 - Moving-Day Meals

5/21/2010 - Food Allergies Overdiagnosed

5/21/2010 - LeBron's Next Team

5/21/2010 - LeBron James Photoshopped Into Cavaliers Jersey For Some Reason

5/21/2010 - Steve Nash

5/21/2010 - On Top Stars Ovechkin And Crosby Already Being Eliminated From The NHL Playoffs

5/21/2010 - Fluid Just Happy To Have Had Opportunity To Build Up In Kobe Bryant's Knee

5/21/2010 - Ecollectualism, Femmigration, Evangelitism: We Combine Arbitrarily Paired Buzzwords And Comment On Them As Social Phenomena

5/20/2010 - Inner-City Stabbing Leaves 5 Maidless

5/20/2010 - When You Get Older You Learn To Appreciate The Moments When You're Not Skittering Away

5/20/2010 - Nation's Bicyclists Remove Helmets For Head Injury Month

5/20/2010 - Microsoft Overhauling Hotmail

5/20/2010 - New Social Networking Site Changing The Way Oh, Christ, Forget It

5/19/2010 - The Pill Turns 50

5/19/2010 - What To Talk About With Your Grandparents On The Phone

5/19/2010 - Local Child Has Run-Of-The-Mill Imagination

5/19/2010 - YouTube Turns 5

5/19/2010 - Report: Majority Of Government Doesn't Trust Citizens Either

5/18/2010 - U.S. Mayo Reserves Are Running Out

5/18/2010 - What Are We Burying Under Our Sheds?

5/18/2010 - Millions Of Shrimp Airlifted From Oil Spill Disaster Zone

5/18/2010 - If We Don't Stop Childhood Obesity, Our Fat Toddlers Could Become Fat Fucks

5/18/2010 - Historic Seat-Covering Tarp To Be Part Of New Marlins Stadium

5/18/2010 - New Study Confirms Humans Only Use 10% Of Genitalia

5/18/2010 - Scientist Claims Aliens Hijacked Probe

5/18/2010 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 18, 2010

5/18/2010 - Energy

5/17/2010 - New Study Shows Progress Made By Broads

5/17/2010 - New Google Phone Service Whispers Targeted Ads Directly Into Users' Ears

5/17/2010 - Nuggets Tell Dying George Karl They Made NBA Finals

5/17/2010 - Please, Anyone, Come Do Something, Anything, With My House

5/17/2010 - National Dog Bite Prevention Week Begins

5/17/2010 - Woman Constantly Treating Herself For Once

5/17/2010 - Heckled Christian Rock Band Knows How Jesus Felt

5/17/2010 - May 17, 2010

5/15/2010 - Kevin Garnett Now Screaming Each Time Rajon Rondo Scores

5/15/2010 - Ice Cream Man Hopes Scott Joplin Is In Hell

5/15/2010 - New David Simon Project To Investigate Happy, Upper-Middle-Class Streets Of Wilmette, IL

5/14/2010 - Lawrence Taylor Asks Exactly Which 16-Year-Old Prostitute Reporters Are Talking About

5/14/2010 - Sequestered

5/14/2010 - Not Very Good Album Takes A Little While To Get Into

5/14/2010 - Budget Deficit Hits Record

5/14/2010 - Features Of The New NASCAR Hall Of Fame

5/14/2010 - Dallas Braden

5/14/2010 - Injured Steve Nash Finishes Game With Cotton Stuffed In Eye Socket

5/14/2010 - On Tiger Woods Leaving The Players Championship With A Neck Injury

5/14/2010 - David Ortiz Getting Paid $13 Million, By The Way

5/14/2010 - What Can This Lumberjack Teach Us About Ovarian Cancer? The Photographer Who Fucked up His Assignment Better Hope It's Plenty

5/14/2010 - New Super Bladder Improves Urination

5/13/2010 - All This Tea Party Talk Is Making Me Thirsty!

5/13/2010 - Report: 23% Of Population Just Sort Of Like That

5/13/2010 - U.K. Prime Minister Gordon Brown Resigns

5/13/2010 - Study Reveals Dolphins Lack Capacity To Mock Celebrity Culture

5/13/2010 - NASA Completes Earth Sock

5/12/2010 - Angry A-Rod Man Pitches Perfect Game

5/12/2010 - What Are We Composting?

5/12/2010 - Alternative Energy Projects

5/12/2010 - Sierra Club Withdraws Support Of Controversial Fern

5/12/2010 - Cesar Milan Whisperer

5/12/2010 - Yankees Hat Purchased

5/12/2010 - Jupiter's Liberals Worried About Their Ammonia Footprint

5/12/2010 - Barbara Walters To Have Heart Surgery

5/12/2010 - EPA: Stubborn Environment Refusing To Meet Civilization Halfway

5/12/2010 - U.S. Airliner Sajacked

5/12/2010 - Are You Green Enough?

5/11/2010 - I'm In Alien Ant Farm For The Long Haul

5/11/2010 - Prince Fielder Satisfies Curiosity By Eating Small Handful Of Dirt

5/11/2010 - Ridley Scott Trades Russell Crowe To Tim Burton For Johnny Depp

5/11/2010 - Cancer Panel's Findings Under Fire

5/11/2010 - Police Plan To Pillage And Terrify Community

5/11/2010 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 11, 2010

5/11/2010 - Women

5/10/2010 - Semi-Literate Former Gold Prospector Given Own Cable News Show

5/10/2010 - May 10, 2010

5/10/2010 - Weeds

5/10/2010 - Phillies Bring In Bruise Specialist

5/10/2010 - Pep-Rally Skit Rumored To Involve Cross-Dressing Principal

5/10/2010 - New Fragrance To Evoke Mystery And Passion

5/10/2010 - Report: Tanning Beds Addictive

5/10/2010 - Exhausted Noam Chomsky Just Going To Try And Enjoy The Day For Once

5/9/2010 - Hot Tub Time Machine

5/8/2010 - Full-Time Mom Drunk On The Job

5/8/2010 - Star Basketball Player Admits He'd Rather Not Have Ball With Time Winding Down

5/8/2010 - Actress, Musician To Wed

5/7/2010 - LeBron James Speaks Out Against Terrible Conditions Of Referee Camps

5/7/2010 - Excited Firefighters Point Out Kid On Tricycle

5/7/2010 - Early Marijuana Use Increases Psychosis Risk

5/7/2010 - Bill Russell

5/7/2010 - Mark Price Quietly Shooting Free Throws Somewhere

5/7/2010 - The 'Sports Illustrated' Cover Jinx

5/7/2010 - On Growing Enthusiasm For The 2010 World Cup

5/7/2010 - Russell Athletic Sheepishly Introduces New Cup

5/7/2010 - 20 Tips For Turning Ordinary Jell-O Into Jell-O With Cool Whip On It

5/6/2010 - Mean Man Has Shut Down Candy Factory

5/6/2010 - Advocacy Group: Mothers Have Right To Expose Milk-Engorged Breasts In Public

5/6/2010 - Mothering Frights

5/6/2010 - Report: All The Good Stuff Costs, Like, 200 Bucks

5/6/2010 - Depression Sufferers Smoke More

5/6/2010 - New Law Forces CEOs To Humbly Shrug Before Receiving Massive Bonuses

5/5/2010 - Assistant Manager Corrupted By Power

5/5/2010 - What Are Our Favorite Wine/Food Pairings?

5/5/2010 - The Case Against Goldman Sachs

5/5/2010 - PNC Park Sold Out For 'Fan Euthanasia Night'

5/5/2010 - Priest Religious, But Not Really Spiritual

5/5/2010 - Women To Serve On Submarines

5/5/2010 - Cookin' With Bread

5/4/2010 - Report: Dinosaurs Are Hiding

5/4/2010 - Supreme Court Upholds Freedom Of Speech In Obscenity-Filled Ruling

5/4/2010 - Spy Drone Taken Out Of Service After Returning With Creepy Photos Of Insurgents Changing

5/4/2010 - You Can Fire My Body, But My Soul Will Remain At Chesterfield Mutual

5/4/2010 - Tony Gwynn Mentioned 72 Times During Guided Tour Of Padres Stadium

5/4/2010 - Stuffed-Up Congress Allocates $250 Million To Destroy Pollen

5/4/2010 - Taliban Claim Dud Bomb

5/4/2010 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 4, 2010

5/4/2010 - Environment

5/3/2010 - Drew Barrymore's New Tell-All Coloring Book Hits Shelves

5/3/2010 - Actual Science

5/3/2010 - May 3, 2010

5/3/2010 - Utah Fans Concerned As Jazz Break Huddle By Shouting 'Kill The Mormons'

5/3/2010 - Thomas Jefferson Impersonator Reenacts Famous Cell Phone Shouting Match With Wife

5/3/2010 - Katie Holmes To Play Jackie Kennedy

5/3/2010 - Nerf Develops New Line Of Biological Weapons

5/2/2010 - Omaha Man Will Probably Stay In Omaha For Another Year Or Two

5/2/2010 - Earthquake Camera

5/1/2010 - NCAA Tournament Expands To However Many Teams Honestly Feel They Should Be In NCAA Tournament

5/1/2010 - Bearded Lady Cleans Up Real Nice

5/1/2010 - Geologists: 'We May Be Slowly Running Out Of Rocks'