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2011 August
8/31/2011 - Perry Became Millionaire In Politics
8/31/2011 - Shelby Cross Takes On Public Indecency By Videotaping Teens Having Sex (Season 1: Ep 7 on IFC)
8/31/2011 - Patient Referred To Physician Who Specializes In Giving A Shit
8/31/2011 - Catcher Doesn't Have Heart To Throw Out Stealing Johnny Damon
8/31/2011 - Failing U.S. Economy No Reason At All To Stop Investing In Print Media, All Experts Agree
8/31/2011 - Area Man's Personal Philosophy Stolen From Martin Luther King, Jr.
8/31/2011 - ONION NEWS NETWORK LANDS FIRST INTERVIEW WITH BEYONCE'S BABY
8/31/2011 - Push The Button!
8/30/2011 - Substitute Teacher Totally Freaks
8/30/2011 - If I Go Extinct I Swear I Will Take As Many Humans With Me As I Can
8/30/2011 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 30, 2011
8/30/2011 - This Week In Pictures
8/30/2011 - Charmin Introduces New Disposable Toilet Paper
8/30/2011 - Half Of Adults Obese By 2030
8/30/2011 - B.J. Raji Shouldn’t Have Eaten That Burrito, Cheeseburger, Bag Of Chips, Ice Cream Sandwich, Cheesecake, Second Burrito Before Game
8/30/2011 - Neurosurgeon Gets Heckled From Observation Deck
8/30/2011 - Tea Party Congressman Calls For Tax Breaks To Put Out Raging Wildfire In District
8/30/2011 - Wanna Be On A Bravo Show?
8/29/2011 - Small Town's UFO Scare Revealed To Be Alien Hoax (Season 1: Ep 8 on IFC)
8/29/2011 - Bill Watterson Writes, Illustrates, Shreds New 'Calvin And Hobbes' Strip Each Morning Out Of Spite
8/29/2011 - New Species Count: 8.7 Million
8/29/2011 - Ongoing Iraqi Violence Almost Makes American Invasion Seem Pointless
8/29/2011 - Level-Headed Yankee Fans To Take Curtis Granderson's Excellent Season Into Account Should He Struggle Down Stretch
8/28/2011 - Terrelle Pryor
8/28/2011 - 19 14 Kids And Counting
8/27/2011 - Frolicking Deer Actually Being Driven Mad By Ticks
8/27/2011 - What Are We Bringing With Us To College?
8/27/2011 - NFL Fans Looking Forward To Season Of Touchbacks
8/27/2011 - Cash-Strapped Oklahoma To Conduct Executions By Hammering Squad
8/27/2011 - Novelist Has Whole Shitty World Plotted Out
8/27/2011 - Let's Make It Real
8/26/2011 - What Was Your First Concert? Ours Was Queensrÿche In '89
8/26/2011 - THE ONION NEWS NETWORK CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY FOR EAST COAST EARTHQUAKE AND HURRICANE
8/26/2011 - Miami's Alleged Violations
8/26/2011 - Steve Jobs Resigns After Realizing Technology Has Gone As Far As It Can
8/26/2011 - America Gets Set To Enjoy Month Or So Of Libya Seeming Like Symbol Of Freedom
8/26/2011 - Brawl Highlights Decades Of Tension Between China, Georgetown
8/26/2011 - Space Station Supply Rocket Crashes
8/26/2011 - Media Blasts Minnesota Vikings For Doing Little To Upgrade Their Fans
8/26/2011 - Reader Comprehension Quiz - Week Of August 22, 2011
8/26/2011 - Insane Moron Draws Conclusion From NFL Preseason Game
8/26/2011 - On The Sudden Wave Of Off-The-Field College Football Transgressions
8/26/2011 - Enraged Man Fails To Destroy TV
8/26/2011 - Big Mac: Inside The McDonald's Empire
8/25/2011 - Republicans Praise Nixon Administration For Allowing Qaddafi To Rule Libya So He Could One Day Be Overthrown
8/25/2011 - Overtired 398-Month-Old Throws Tantrum
8/25/2011 - Steve Jobs Resigns
8/25/2011 - Peyton Manning Says He Will Play In Colts Opener After Performing Neck Surgery On Self
8/25/2011 - PayPal Founder To Create Island
8/25/2011 - New Apple CEO Tim Cook: 'I'm Thinking Printers'
8/25/2011 - Donut Shop's Mission Statement Seems Awfully Ambitious
8/24/2011 - Comic Sans
8/24/2011 - Voice Inside Cheering Libyan Rebel's Head: 'Oh, Fuck, Now What?'
8/24/2011 - Lewis Out For MDA Telethon
8/24/2011 - McDonald's Unveils New Senior Citizen PlayPlace
8/24/2011 - New Study Explains Why Comic Sans Font So Hilarious (Season 1: Ep 8 on IFC)
8/24/2011 - Notre Dame Stays Competitive, Falls Short In Intra-Squad Scrimmage
8/24/2011 - Congress To Bet The Farm On One Last Big Bill
8/24/2011 - Man Born To Party Dies Partying
8/24/2011 - I Shouldn't Be Alive
8/23/2011 - White-Hot GOP Race Down To Two Mentally Ill People, Person Who Lost Nomination Last Time
8/23/2011 - Report: Male Hair Loss 7 Times More Painful Than Childbirth
8/23/2011 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 23, 2011
8/23/2011 - As Long As You're Smiling, Nothing Can Get You Down vs. This Shelter For Homeless AIDS Sufferers Has Been Defunded; Please Gather Your Things
8/23/2011 - Bears Offensive Line Coach Mike Tice Fairly Close To Learning Difference Between Tackle And Guard
8/23/2011 - Report: At This Point, Most Americans Feel More Comfortable In Dying Economy
8/23/2011 - Cool It
8/23/2011 - Pirate Written Up For Dress-Code Violation
8/22/2011 - Qaddafi Regime Ends
8/22/2011 - Area Neighbors Protest Tree-House Acquisition of M-80 Technology
8/22/2011 - DHS Announces Racial Profiling Free-For-All This Sept. 11
8/22/2011 - 'Extreme Couponing' Craze Increases Newspaper Theft
8/22/2011 - Nation's Celebrities Not Famous Enough, Publicists Agree
8/22/2011 - Report: No One Over 13 Wants To Play QB For Redskins
8/22/2011 - Law Gives All Mistreated Americans Right To Open Casino
8/21/2011 - Dan Uggla
8/21/2011 - Area Man Guesses He Doesn't Need MC Lyte Wikipedia Page Open Anymore
8/20/2011 - Area Man Directs Customers To Superior Value In All-Weather Radials, Yet Feels Nothing
8/20/2011 - Jesus Christ Claims Tim Tebow Not Ready To Be NFL Starter
8/20/2011 - Everything In Power Done To Appear Interesting To Attractive Woman On Subway
8/20/2011 - Lonely Teacher, Outcast Student Begin Somewhat Endearing Sexual Relationship
8/20/2011 - Grizzled Proofreader Has Seen It Written Both Ways
8/19/2011 - FBI Uncovers Largest Credit Card Scam In History After Raiding Visa Headquarters
8/19/2011 - 2011 College Football Preseason Poll
8/19/2011 - Reader Comprehension Quiz – Week Of August, 15 2011
8/19/2011 - Cam Newton Looking Like He Plays For Panthers
8/19/2011 - Some Rugs To Cover Up Your Floor Real Nice
8/19/2011 - Sports Psychologists Suggest Tiger's Slump May Be Because Of All That Shit He Went Through
8/19/2011 - Abercrombie & Fitch Institutes Reverse Sponsorship
8/19/2011 - Why Are We Holding A Microphone?
8/19/2011 - Tiger Woods Fails To Qualify For Sex With Dive Bar Waitress
8/19/2011 - Freshman Asks New Roommate Not To Hide Masturbation From Him
8/19/2011 - Jerk Off
8/19/2011 - Attractive, Diverse Peer Group Gathers For Popular Refreshments, High-Definition Sports Broadcast
8/19/2011 - Rise In Teen Sexual Activity Comes As Surprise To Area Teen
8/19/2011 - On The Spate Of Unknowns Winning Golf's Majors
8/19/2011 - Antiques Roadshow
8/18/2011 - Supreme Court Rules First Amendment Does Not Apply To Annoying Man (Season 1: Ep 3 on IFC)
8/18/2011 - Why Would You Prefer To Be An Animatronic Bear?
8/18/2011 - Man Somehow Overcomes Alcoholism Without Jesus
8/18/2011 - State Fair Season
8/18/2011 - 1 In 3 Twentysomethings Have Faked Calls
8/18/2011 - Study: 96 Percent Of Humans Would Rather Be Animatronic Bear
8/18/2011 - U.N. Factoid Finding Mission Discovers Liberia About The Size Of Tennessee
8/18/2011 - I Didn't Know I Was
8/17/2011 - FCC Investigates BART Mobile Shutdown
8/17/2011 - Pawlenty Supporters Can Only Dream What It Would Have Been Like If Candidate Dropped Out 2 Months Later
8/17/2011 - Report: Apocalypse Actually Happened 3 Years Ago
8/17/2011 - 49ers Front Office Excited For Meeting With Football Player
8/17/2011 - Apocalypse
8/17/2011 - Nation's Students To Give American Education System Yet Another Chance
8/17/2011 - FDA Approves Sale Of Prescription Placebo
8/16/2011 - Kamikaze Swimmers Finally Reach Pearl Harbor
8/16/2011 - Holder Visa
8/16/2011 - Eric Clapton To Release New Album Inspired By Blues Music
8/16/2011 - Pawlenty Drops Out
8/16/2011 - Dustin Pedroia Asks Buddy To Watch Second Base For Couple Innings
8/16/2011 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 16, 2011
8/16/2011 - FBI Discontinues Witness-Protection Parade
8/16/2011 - Miners Trapped In Life-Threatening Mining Jobs (Season 1: Ep 3 on IFC)
8/16/2011 - Last Name & Other Last Name
8/15/2011 - Suicide Hotline Operator Talking To Ex-Boyfriend Again
8/15/2011 - Bert And Ernie Not Gay
8/15/2011 - 2012 Seniors Thunder Into High School's Parking Lot Like Coalition Forces Entering Baghdad
8/15/2011 - Nashville Sports Reporter Likes To Consider Himself 'One Of The Guys' In Titans Locker Room
8/15/2011 - Visa Exposed As Massive Credit Card Scam
8/15/2011 - Somebody's Got to Save This Country From Certain Doom, And Let's Face It, That Person Is Me
8/15/2011 - Road Trips
8/14/2011 - Low-Budget Film Panders Just As Shamelessly As Big Studio Feature
8/14/2011 - Prove It
8/13/2011 - Can Of Soda In Freezer Realizing Owner Never Coming Back For It
8/13/2011 - After Watching Tom Brady Highlight, Every Man, Woman, And Child In America Dreams Of Love
8/13/2011 - Seeing Eye Dog Really Blows Off Some Steam In Dog Park
8/12/2011 - What Childhood Fears Are We Confronting?
8/12/2011 - We Take You Inside The Bizarre World Of 'Competitive Athletics' Or 'Sports'
8/12/2011 - Deion Sanders
8/12/2011 - On Tiger Woods' Caddy Winning In The First Tournament Without Him
8/12/2011 - With .163 Average, Adam Dunn No Longer Considered A Baseball Player
8/12/2011 - Most Memorable Hall Of Fame Speeches
8/12/2011 - Iowa Straw Poll Saturday
8/12/2011 - Tigers Sign Jim Leyland Through His Death In 2012
8/12/2011 - Reader Comprehension Quiz - Week Of August 08, 2011
8/12/2011 - GOP Supports Obama For 2012: 'We Need More Time To Completely Ruin His Life'
8/12/2011 - Gay Telling
8/12/2011 - Man Who Got 6-Figure Book Deal From His Tumblr Account Has The Fucking Nerve To Appear On National Television
8/12/2011 - Obama Proposes Tax Increase On Meanest 2% Of Population
8/12/2011 - Penn State Players All Worried They're Going To Be The One Who Accidentally Kills Joe Paterno
8/12/2011 - Hog Executed Farmland Style
8/12/2011 - Rick Steves' Asia
8/11/2011 - Nation's Singers Rudely Telling DJs How To Do Job (Season 1: Ep 9 on IFC)
8/11/2011 - Scientists Say Newly Discovered Earthlike Planet Could Support Robust Economy
8/11/2011 - Magazine Sales Continue Downward Trend
8/11/2011 - Straight, Gay Service Members Looking Forward To Asking, Telling Come September
8/11/2011 - Whiny, Selfish 8-Year-Old Always Wants His Parents To Stop Yelling At Each Other
8/11/2011 - Hollywood Mourns Passing Of 16th Or 17th Lassie
8/10/2011 - McConnell
8/10/2011 - Are Sack Lunches Unsafe?
8/10/2011 - Pardon Me, Madame, Do You Have A Moment For Fancy Man Rights?
8/10/2011 - Consumers Now Required To Seek Treasury Department Approval On All Purchases Over $50
8/10/2011 - Ryan Braun Not About To Look Like An Idiot By Attempting Diving Catch In Outfield
8/10/2011 - College Student Still Managing To Look Like Asshole In Picture Of Village He Helped Build
8/10/2011 - Boy Scout Won't Do Anything Unless There's A Merit Badge In It
8/10/2011 - New GOP Strategy Involves Reelecting Obama, Making His Life Even More Miserable
8/10/2011 - Civil War Hospital
8/9/2011 - Cackling Warren Buffett Burns Entire Fortune In Front Of Nation
8/9/2011 - Laffy Taffy Sponsors Every Cobblestone At 9/11 Memorial
8/9/2011 - Solar Activity Has Electric Companies On Alert
8/9/2011 - Area Loser Blissfully Unaffected By Whims Of Stock Market
8/9/2011 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 09, 2011
8/9/2011 - The Week In Pictures
8/9/2011 - New Receiver Michael Jenkins Unable To Finish Reading Vikings' Tedious Playbook
8/9/2011 - Hollywood Accessed
8/9/2011 - Onion News Network Is The Loudest Voice In News (Season 1: Ep 5 on IFC)
8/9/2011 - SSI: Boca Raton
8/8/2011 - Groups Oppose Perry's Prayer Meeting
8/8/2011 - Local Toddler Shows Signs Of Becoming Ugly Like His Parents
8/8/2011 - Bristol Palin Interview Accidentally Reveals Mother's 15 Abortions
8/8/2011 - Broncos Center Apologizes To Team After Accidentally Snapping Ball To Brady Quinn
8/8/2011 - Scientists Trace Heat Wave To Massive Star At Center Of Solar System
8/7/2011 - Study: Whites To Be Minority In Donaldson Family By 2027
8/6/2011 - Pirates Acquire Lee, Ludwick To Bolster 2nd-Half Collapse
8/6/2011 - Man Just Walked Into Best Buy For No Reason Whatsoever
8/6/2011 - Bodybuilder Can’t Believe He Forgot To Develop Right Arm
8/6/2011 - Tom And Julie's Reasons For Entering Couples Therapy Explained To Silent Dinner Guests
8/5/2011 - 10 Hot Tips For Covering Up At The Beach Because We Know You Ignored Our 10 Hot Tips For Getting A Beach Body
8/5/2011 - Randy Moss
8/5/2011 - On The Jets Signing Plaxico Burress
8/5/2011 - Why Are We Skipping Church?
8/5/2011 - Visa Calls Indians To Confirm They Actually Did Intend To Take On More Salary
8/5/2011 - Blogging Teacher To Return To Work
8/5/2011 - Reader Comprehension Quiz - Week Of August 01, 2011
8/5/2011 - Obama: Debt Ceiling Deal A Prime Example Of Democrats And Democrats Sacrificing For The Greater Good
8/5/2011 - Most Notable Recent Player Transactions
8/5/2011 - Rex Ryan’s Mouth Officially Opened For 2012 Season
8/5/2011 - Dept. Of Labor Reports It Could Be Nothing, But They May Have Spotted Job In Iowa Strip Mall
8/5/2011 - VP Of Making Your Job Harder Given Raise
8/5/2011 - Cris Carter Enters Football Hall Of Fame As Paying Customer
8/4/2011 - 'Oldest Bird' Not Actually Bird
8/4/2011 - Obama compromise
8/4/2011 - Dunkin' Donuts Employee Busted For Prostitution
8/4/2011 - Obama Turns 50 Despite Republican Opposition
8/4/2011 - Mad Scientist's Plot Thwarted By Budget Cuts
8/4/2011 - Kid Massive
8/4/2011 - Obama Begs U.S. Not To Embarrass Him In Front Of French (Season 1: Ep 8 on IFC)
8/4/2011 - States Slashing Arts Budgets
8/3/2011 - Obama: Debt Ceiling Deal Required Tough Concessions By Both Democrats And Democrats Alike
8/3/2011 - Danny DeVito A Lot Taller, Thinner In Person
8/3/2011 - Public Urinator Gives Passerby Dirty Look
8/3/2011 - Drunken Ben Bernanke Tells Everyone At Neighborhood Bar How Screwed U.S. Economy Really Is
8/3/2011 - Doctors Concerned As Joe Blanton’s Goatee Flares Up Again
8/2/2011 - Apple Has More Cash Than U.S. Treasury
8/2/2011 - Area Dog’s Rock Bottom Same As His Peak
8/2/2011 - I Wish Someone At This Wedding Would Dance With That Girl In A Wheelchair Already
8/2/2011 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 02, 2011
8/2/2011 - Soccer Player In Blue Shirt Happy
8/2/2011 - FDA: Everyone Needs To Induce Vomiting Right Now
8/2/2011 - Woman Only Dates On National Television Now
8/2/2011 - Escort Reveals Affair With That Actor From That Thing (Season 1: Ep 4 on IFC)
8/1/2011 - Democrats, Republicans Celebrate Pitiful Excuse For Common Ground
8/1/2011 - Woman Fined For Truck Nutz
8/1/2011 - X Games Perused To See If That Kid With The Skateboard From High School Is In It
8/1/2011 - Windows Opened On Both Coasts In Effort To Create Transcontinental Cross-Breeze
8/1/2011 - Congress Passes First Law In U.S. History That Doesn't Somehow Kill Tens Of Thousands Of Ducks
8/1/2011 - Last Great Party Of Man's Life Results In First Child
8/1/2011 - Single Life / Married Life