1/31/2011 - U-Say Responses To The Military Chaperone Program
1/31/2011 - January 31, 2011
1/31/2011 - Every Team In NFL Calls Bengals To Let Them Know They Don't Want Carson Palmer
1/31/2011 - Walgreens Rolls Out Store-Brand Beer
1/31/2011 - Department Of Health And Human Services Recommends Standing At Least Once A Day
1/31/2011 - Small Child Subjected To Elaborate Hairdo
1/30/2011 - No One Shows Up For Pro Bowl
1/30/2011 - As A Matter Of Fact: Military Chaperones
1/30/2011 - Classic Albums: 'My Name Is Barbra, Two'
1/29/2011 - Deadly Chemistry Band Show Review
1/29/2011 - Panicked Malcolm Gladwell Realizes Latest Theory Foretells End Of His Popularity
1/29/2011 - Paranoid Duck Convinced CIA Killing Off U.S. Bird Population
1/29/2011 - Autistic Reporter Covers Gathering Of Crying People
1/29/2011 - Army Program Pairs Female Soldiers With Male Chaperones
1/29/2011 - Massive Snowstorm Leaves Thousands Without Access To Pornography
1/29/2011 - FEMA Rushes Supplies To New Orleans In Anticipation Of Light Snow
1/29/2011 - Al Qaeda Populating U.S. With Peaceful 'Decoy Muslims'
1/29/2011 - Congress Forgets How To Pass A Law
1/29/2011 - Serial Killer Apparently Feels Entitled To Coverage
1/28/2011 - Should Congress just make up a new protocol for signing a bill into law?
1/28/2011 - The CrossWord: More On Decoy Muslims
1/28/2011 - Special Five-Part Series "Dumb In America" Begins This Week
1/28/2011 - Twitter Messages Show Congressmen Do Not Remember How To Pass Bill
1/28/2011 - FEMA Advisory Released For New Orleans
1/28/2011 - Is it time to establish a specialized Federal Emergency Pornography Agency?
1/28/2011 - Should officials be doing more to rescue snowbound Wisconsin residents from their immediate families?
1/28/2011 - Onion News Network Winter Weather Safety Tips
1/28/2011 - Protect Yourself With An Emergency Porn Kit
1/28/2011 - Snowy Conditions Proving Hazardous For Nation's Idiots
1/28/2011 - Is America's Love Affair With That Goony Kid From 'Rushmore' Over?
1/28/2011 - World War II Hero Cursed Out For Driving Speed Limit
1/28/2011 - Gym Adds Big Heavy Pull Thing In Corner
1/28/2011 - States Eyeing Texting-While-Walking Legislation
1/28/2011 - On Rex Ryan Losing His Third-Straight AFC Championship
1/28/2011 - Toughness in Sports
1/28/2011 - That Jay Cutler For You
1/28/2011 - SUPER BOWL XLV
1/28/2011 - Super Bowl Veterans Much More Prepared For Big Game's Unique Stresses
1/28/2011 - Study Links Adult-Male Smiling To Extremely Overweight Men Scoring Touchdowns
1/28/2011 - Teen Sex Linked To Alcohol And Drugs By Center Of Figuring Out Really Obvious Things
1/28/2011 - MTV's Alternate-Dimension 'The Grind'
1/27/2011 - Submit Your Ad To OSN's One-Second Chance Super Bowl Contest
1/27/2011 - Honey, I'm Not Going To Stand Here And Debate The Merits Of The First Two B-52's LPs In Front Of The Whole Supermarket
1/27/2011 - Tom Gilbert, Actor Who Portrays TV's Regis Philbin, To Leave 'Regis & Kelly' Show
1/27/2011 - L-Cup Bra Introduced
1/27/2011 - Study: 89 Percent Of Networking Nonconsensual
1/27/2011 - National Science Foundation: Science Hard
1/27/2011 - Firefighter Died To Save Unimpressive Teen
1/26/2011 - What Are We Day Dreaming About?
1/26/2011 - Democrats Hold Annual Retreat
1/26/2011 - Boxing Fans Heartbroken As Kent Sudder Survives
1/26/2011 - Obama Delivers State Of The Union
1/26/2011 - Report: For 8th Straight Year, Europeans Remain Weirdest-Looking Players In NBA
1/26/2011 - Shepard's Pie: Deadly Chemistry Deadly Deets
1/26/2011 - God Almost Forgot To Kill Dave Elfman Of Boulder, CO Today
1/26/2011 - Obama: Aside From All The Weirdos And Freaks Around Here, The State Of The Union Is Strong
1/26/2011 - Worst Person Woman Knows Pregnant
1/25/2011 - How Do You Feel About Being Deprived Of Watching A Boxer Die In The Ring During The Sudder/Ansada Fight?
1/25/2011 - Reade High School: Home of the Warriors And Over 100 Documentaries
1/25/2011 - QVC Temptation Tour Power Rankings
1/25/2011 - Who's Your Tallest Player In The NBA?
1/25/2011 - What's Your Favorite Kobe Bryant Personality?
1/25/2011 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 25, 2011
1/25/2011 - The Week In Review
1/25/2011 - Anarchy Symbol Updated To Appeal To Today's Teens
1/25/2011 - U-Say Response To Detroit Judge's Decision
1/25/2011 - It Seems The Hunter Has Become Arrested For Not Having A Gun License
1/25/2011 - Senators Accuse Thrashers Of Pouring It On After 3-1 Loss
1/25/2011 - Van Morrison Removed From Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Following Allegations He Bet On Album Sales
1/25/2011 - Olbermann Abruptly Leaves MSNBC
1/25/2011 - Slacks Coach
1/25/2011 - Next In The Dome: A New Kobe, Boxing History In The Making And One Expert's Analysis Gets Thrown To The Pile
1/25/2011 - SeaWorld Whales Demand 10 Percent Chum Increase
1/24/2011 - January 24, 2011
1/24/2011 - Johnson & Johnson Introduces Self-Lotioning Baby
1/24/2011 - Running Back Finds Self In Alternate Universe After Offensive Line Opens Up Black Hole
1/24/2011 - 127 Charged In Mob Sweep
1/24/2011 - Crossing The Street Downgraded To Number 785 On List Of Childhood Dangers
1/24/2011 - Gap Between Rich And Poor Named 8th Wonder Of The World
1/23/2011 - Braylon Edwards Confident He Could Fly If He Tried Hard Enough
1/23/2011 - In Memory Of Susan Merriweather
1/23/2011 - Postmodern Family
1/22/2011 - IFC Channel Finder:
1/22/2011 - Which song should SCOTUS choose as their theme song?
1/22/2011 - Guy Who Used Drawing Of Self On Dating Website Must Be Fun And Also Attractive
1/22/2011 - Study: Family History Of Alcoholism Raises Risk Of One-Man Show
1/22/2011 - This Day In History: The Invention Of The Handjob
1/22/2011 - Judge Rules White Girl Will Be Tried As Black Adult
1/22/2011 - FDA Official: "Just Eat A Goddamn Vegetable"
1/22/2011 - 'FactZone' Viewer Has Sad, Pathetic Life
1/21/2011 - Is Christian Bale too cruel to run North Korea?
1/21/2011 - National Batman Hero surveys Pyongyang's spotlessly clean alleyways for Riddler's gang of Western Capitalist influencers.
1/21/2011 - National Batman Hero uses his Loyalty Kick to shame Nodong Jimseung into submission.
1/21/2011 - National Batman Hero displays both force and compassion in his destruction of USA Laugh Nemesis.
1/21/2011 - Arizona Proposes Stricter Sex-Offender Rules
1/21/2011 - Original Handjob Patent Document
1/21/2011 - The TuckScreen: Can't Wait To See Joe Biden's Band Play The Superbowl
1/21/2011 - Stevenson Trial Courtroom Sketches
1/21/2011 - WB Press Release Details Batman Movie
1/21/2011 - Storyboards From New 'Batman' Starring Kim Jong Il
1/21/2011 - What should Melanie Wilkerson do to thank the fireman who saved her life?
1/21/2011 - Should Philadelphia spend public funds to build a 35-foot-high "Giant Bronze Handjob"?
1/21/2011 - Besides untangling headphones, which activity consumes more of your time?
1/21/2011 - Which is your favorite Kim Jong Il superhero?
1/21/2011 - Read Sarah Palin's Presidency Adventure
1/21/2011 - Crochet: What Role Does It Play In The Grandmotherization Of America?
1/21/2011 - New Congressional Intern Disillusioned With Politics and Democracy In Record 6 Minutes, 41 Seconds
1/21/2011 - Lieberman Not Running For Re-Election
1/21/2011 - On Brett Favre Filing Retirement Paperwork
1/21/2011 - Rex Ryan
1/21/2011 - Problems With Athletes' Charities
1/21/2011 - James Harrison Comes Up From Bottom Of Pile With Human Heart
1/21/2011 - Prince Fielder Explains Complexities Of Salary Arbitration Using Cheeseburgers
1/21/2011 - Jay Cutler Proves Naysayers Wrong By Defeating Shittiest Team Ever To Make Playoffs
1/21/2011 - Film School Graduate Bad-Mouths Film School
1/21/2011 - New Swears
1/20/2011 - The High Reis: I Don't Care About Politics So Obama Shouldn't Care About Sports
1/20/2011 - Blockbuster Asks Creditors For Money
1/20/2011 - In My Professional Medical Opinion, Pick At It
1/20/2011 - Supreme Court Mistakenly Used Belgium's Constitution For Last 3 Rulings
1/20/2011 - Winona Ryder Finally Agrees To Sleep With Generation X
1/20/2011 - Man Defends Cartoon Character With Unexpected Vigor
1/19/2011 - What Are We Taking The Blame For?
1/19/2011 - Starbucks Introduces 31-Ounce Cup
1/19/2011 - New Parenting Book Sparks Outrage
1/19/2011 - Report: Most NFL Receivers Compensating For Not Having Enough Things Thrown At Them As Children
1/19/2011 - Giants Fan Visiting Philadelphia Feels Betrayed By Bud Light Ad For Eagles
1/19/2011 - Morbid Curiosity Leading Many Voters To Support Palin
1/19/2011 - Tension In Area Car Pool Rising
1/19/2011 - Fun!
1/18/2011 - Remembering Allison Pencey
1/18/2011 - What You Need To Know About Horse Corking
1/18/2011 - The Most Inspiring Wishes Ever Granted By The Wish Zone
1/18/2011 - All Hail The Toad!
1/18/2011 - Horse Corking In Polo: What You Need To Know
1/18/2011 - Get To Know The OSN Girlfriend Analysts
1/18/2011 - How Should Hockey Hoaxer Gary Bettman Be Punished?
1/18/2011 - Major League Baseball's Biggest Memory Bargains
1/18/2011 - Bill Belichick Consumed By Insecurity, Jealousy Towards Quarterback For Years
1/18/2011 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 18, 2011
1/18/2011 - Report: Smart Car Terrible For Doughnuts
1/18/2011 - When You Hire Union Plumbers, You Hire Trained Professionals Who Won't Fuck Your Wife
1/18/2011 - Excerpt From Bill Belichick's Journal
1/18/2011 - Tiger Woods Wondering If He Should Tell People He's Still Getting Laid
1/18/2011 - Next In The Dome: Belichick's Jealousy, A Record-Breaking Performance And A Brave Phillies Fan Kept Alive By Her Hatred Of David Wright
1/18/2011 - Area Woman Prefers To Get Same Advice From As Many People As Possible
1/18/2011 - 'Baby Doc' Returns To Haiti
1/18/2011 - Congress Honors 9/11 First Capitalizers
1/18/2011 - U.S. Middlemen Demand Protection From Being Cut Out
1/17/2011 - Shepard's Pie: Let's Hope That Brett Favre Doesn't Die Like Charles Schulz
1/17/2011 - Weary Haitians Shrug As Ragnarök Begins Outside Port-Au-Prince
1/17/2011 - The Week In Review
1/17/2011 - January 17, 2011
1/17/2011 - My Buddy, My Pork Chop
1/17/2011 - Power Of Imagination May Help Dieters
1/17/2011 - U.S. Renews Contract With Spotted Ground Squirrels Through 2015
1/17/2011 - Area Fry-Cook Learns Leaving Restaurant Industry Isn't That Easy
1/16/2011 - The Emperor's New School
1/15/2011 - Brian Urlacher Theorizes Saturn Might Have Playoff Atmosphere
1/15/2011 - Ceiling Fan's One Burning Ambition To Come Loose And Murder Everyone In Denny's
1/15/2011 - Man Waiting Until Parents Die Before Doing A Single Thing That Makes Him Happy
1/14/2011 - The High Reis: Top Playoff Storylines
1/14/2011 - Dancing Wild Man Strikes Again, Badly Shaken Bar-Goers Report
1/14/2011 - How To Make Your Own Fishing Lures Without Thinking About How Your Son Hasn't Spoken To You In 20 Years
1/14/2011 - Political Pundits Surprisingly Good At Getting Inside Mentally Unbalanced Shooter's Head
1/14/2011 - Anti-Smoking Aid Tops List Of Violence-Linked Medications
1/14/2011 - On The BCS National Championship Game
1/14/2011 - Anderson Varejao Tears Tendon In Hair
1/14/2011 - 2011 Hall Of Fame Finalists
1/14/2011 - Seahawks at Bears
1/14/2011 - NFL Season Seems To Be Building To Some Sort Of Climax
1/14/2011 - Terrible Seattle Seahawks Have No Chance In Hell Of Winning Playoff Game Again, Right?
1/14/2011 - Unsupervised 4-Year-Old Goes On Four-Bowl Boo-Berry Binge
1/14/2011 - Joe Biden's Delaware
1/13/2011 - Report: It Going To Take Way More Than An Inconceivable Act Of Violence For Country To Rise Above Politics
1/13/2011 - John F. Kennedy Makes Rare Appearance At Kennedy Center Honors
1/13/2011 - Beating The Post-Holiday Blahs
1/13/2011 - Standoff In Ivory Coast Threatens To Boil Over Into Full-Scale News Blurb
1/13/2011 - Tucson Keeps Church Protesters Away
1/13/2011 - Iams Executives Scrambling To Figure Out Why Brand Is Losing 2- To 4-Year-Old Chocolate Labs
1/13/2011 - Jackie Chan's Ancestors Shamed By Blooper Reel
1/12/2011 - Sam Cassell Asks If He Can Get In On Carmelo Anthony Trade
1/12/2011 - What Are We Accidentally Throwing Out?
1/12/2011 - Shooting Suspect Released After Not Breaking Any Arizona Laws
1/12/2011 - Crystal Meth Hallucinations League Power Rankings - Week 2
1/12/2011 - Where Did U.S. Money Go In Iraq?
1/12/2011 - Sitting Increases Heart Disease Risk
1/12/2011 - Tim Duncan Reports 5th Straight Successful New Year's Resolution
1/12/2011 - Bible Study Group Preparing For Bible Aptitude Test
1/12/2011 - Report: Nation Not Ready For This
1/12/2011 - God The Bounty Hunter
1/12/2011 - Father's Dying Wish A Real Hassle
1/12/2011 - James, Wade, Bosh Unveil New Rules For Basketball
1/12/2011 - Next Week On OSN's Sports Crime Series 'Late Inning Drama'
1/11/2011 - From Working Keys To Rocket Suits: How Other Cities Have Enticed Their Star Players
1/11/2011 - OSN Globo Poll: Ultimate Fighter Nick Prindell’s Career Highlights
1/11/2011 - Official Proclamation From St. Louis Granting Albert Pujols Working Key To The City
1/11/2011 - Keep Safe: What To Do If You See A Brain-Damaged Former NFL Player
1/11/2011 - OSN Globo-Poll: The Heat's New Rules
1/11/2011 - More On Bosh, Wade And LeBron's New Rules For Basketball
1/11/2011 - The High Reis: My Suspension Gave Me The Opportunity To Think About Many Things
1/11/2011 - New NBA Basketball Rule #44
1/11/2011 - Original NBA Rules Proposal
1/11/2011 - New NBA Basketball Rule #8
1/11/2011 - Shepard's Pie: Return Of The Reiser
1/11/2011 - St. Louis Gives Cardinals Star Albert Pujols Working Key To The City
1/11/2011 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 11, 2011
1/11/2011 - Great Game, Sport, Civilization Ruined By Speaking Of Phrase 'This Is For All The Tostitos®'
1/11/2011 - Lingerie-Wearing Boehner: 'We Still Have A Very Pretty Speaker Of The House'
1/11/2011 - I Really Hope My Local McDonald's Will Participate In This Latest Promotion
1/11/2011 - Jimmie Johnson Goes Out For Nice 180 MPH Drive To Clear His Head
1/11/2011 - 2012 Prius To Feature Rudimentary Reproductive System
1/11/2011 - History Channel Aborts Kennedys Miniseries
1/11/2011 - Heroic Pit Bull Journeys 2,000 Miles To Attack Owner
1/11/2011 - The High Reis: What Was That Part At The End
1/11/2011 - Shepard's Pie: Congratulations, Tigers!
1/10/2011 - January 10, 2011
1/10/2011 - NHL Simply Not Going To Bother Reaching Out To Hispanics
1/10/2011 - Report: Majority Of Money Donated At Church Doesn't Make It To God
1/10/2011 - White House Seeks Massive Military Cuts
1/10/2011 - Josh Hartnett Returns To Pearl Harbor For First Time Since Film
1/10/2011 - Dad's Paul Lynde Impersonation Lost On Daughter's Friends
1/9/2011 - Conspicuous Boss
1/8/2011 - Burmese Python Just As Freaked Out That It’s Swallowing Entire Toddler
1/8/2011 - Florida Names Charlie Weis New Fat Offensive Coordinator
1/8/2011 - Modern-Day Cowboy Rides 18-Wheeler Full Of Entenmann's Products Westward
1/7/2011 - Revamped WPA To Create 50,000 New Jobs By Disassembling, Reassembling Hoover Dam
1/7/2011 - Robert Gibbs Stepping Down
1/7/2011 - On Roger Goodell's E-Mail To NFL Fans
1/7/2011 - NFL Playoffs 2010
1/7/2011 - Cam Newton
1/7/2011 - New Orleans Saints Lose First-Round Bye
1/7/2011 - Seattle Coach Pete Carroll: Seahawks Only Need 3 Losses To Reach Super Bowl
1/7/2011 - Colts Tap Quarterback Peyton Manning To Start Playoff Game
1/7/2011 - Woman Forced To Converse Awkwardly With Bank-Promotion Clown
1/7/2011 - Boy Vs. Cat
1/6/2011 - The High Reis: Parking Garage Near Heat Arena Very Confusing
1/6/2011 - I'm Only Really Happy When I'm Writing, Or When I'm Having Lots Of Fun With My Friends And Family
1/6/2011 - FCC To Fine Americans Who Don't Keep Up With TV Shows
1/6/2011 - New 'Huckleberry Finn' Edited For Language
1/6/2011 - Fully Validated Kanye West Retires To Quiet Farm In Iowa
1/6/2011 - Area Man Told He Looks Like A Fat Greg Allman
1/5/2011 - What Are We Hiding From Our Guests?
1/5/2011 - Nuclear Bomb Detonates During Rehearsal For 'Spider-Man' Musical
1/5/2011 - DHS Teams Up With Wal-Mart
1/5/2011 - Crisis Provokes Anger At God
1/5/2011 - Shepard's Pie: The Seattle Seahawks Have Mothers Too
1/5/2011 - Tim Duncan Announces Shoe Deal With Florsheim
1/5/2011 - Area Man Has No Idea How He Got On Hamas E-Mail List
1/5/2011 - Sources: Harry Reid Sleeping With Mitch McConnell's Wife In 1986 At Core Of Senate Gridlock
1/5/2011 - Titanic Reenactment Club Loses Another 1,300 Members
1/5/2011 - CSI: Miami
1/4/2011 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 4, 2011
1/4/2011 - Completely Out-Of-Control Cell Phone Nearly Vibrates Itself Off Table
1/4/2011 - Who Was I, And Why Was I Important Again?
1/4/2011 - Bradley Center Announcer Way More Into Miami Heat Than Bucks
1/4/2011 - 'But A Fox Wouldn't Eat Gingerbread,' That One Precocious Little Asshole Reports
1/4/2011 - Arkansas Birds Fell From Sky
1/4/2011 - Horrifying Clamato Nursery Discovered In Mott's Dungeon
1/3/2011 - Player Pathetically Convinces Self He'll Be Even Better After Surgery
1/3/2011 - House Democrats Forced To Move All Their Things Back Into Disgusting Minority Locker Room
1/3/2011 - January 3, 2011
1/3/2011 - U.S. Homes Lost $1.7 Trillion
1/3/2011 - Wait, Wait, Go Back, This Is That 'Cosby Show' Where The Huxtables Get Tired Of Theo Borrowing Money So They Give Him Fake Money And Make Him Pay For Food From The Kitchen Like At A Restaurant And He Has To Buy All His Bedroom Furniture Back
1/3/2011 - Virgin Mary Statue Crying For No Good Reason
1/3/2011 - Fashion Industry Pretends To Care About Plus-Sized Models