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2011 May
5/31/2011 - Part Of Me Wants To See This Acrobat Fall To His Death vs. Part Of Me Wants To See That Guy In The Third Row Have A Heart Attack In Front Of His Family
5/31/2011 - Crystal Cathedral Sold
5/31/2011 - 43-Year-Old With Skateboard Not Fooling Anyone
5/31/2011 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 30, 2011
5/31/2011 - Report: Economy Failing Because U.S. Built On Ancient Indian Burial Grounds
5/31/2011 - Charles Barkley: ‘There Were Only Ever 3 Straight NBA Players’
5/31/2011 - FDA To Increase Recommended Dosage Of Acetaminophen For Children Who Can Handle Their Shit
5/31/2011 - Dysfunctional Singles Find Each Other
5/30/2011 - May 30, 2011
5/30/2011 - Report: Game Of Knockout Awesome
5/30/2011 - Loser Congressman Carries Around Pocket-Sized Version Of Constitution Everywhere
5/30/2011 - Pope Vows To Crack Down On Crime In Vatican City Slum
5/30/2011 - Fisherman's 4-Year-Old Son Liberates Bait
5/30/2011 - Frontline
5/29/2011 - Dick Ebersol
5/29/2011 - A History Of Lance Armstrong's Doping Allegations
5/29/2011 - Man Unable To Explain Contempt He Feels For Group Of People Enjoying One Another's Company
5/29/2011 - Veins
5/28/2011 - When Area Waitress Gets A Chance
5/28/2011 - Cleveland Enters Second Month Of Complete Silence So As Not To Jinx Indians
5/28/2011 - Restaurant That Never Has Customers Celebrates Fifth Weird Year
5/28/2011 - 'I Spilled My Soda,' Report Nation's Dopes
5/27/2011 - Superhero Movies In Development
5/27/2011 - Mark Ruffalo Completely Shuts Down About Life, Love & Show Business
5/27/2011 - Mainstream Media Renames Novak Djokovic To More Consumer Friendly Ned Drucker
5/27/2011 - Google, Sprint Announce Mobile Phone Payment Service
5/27/2011 - Lance Armstrong: I Never Failed One Of Those Shitty, Easy-To-Fool Doping Tests
5/27/2011 - Study: All American Problems Could Be Solved By Just Stopping And Thinking For Two Seconds
5/27/2011 - NASCAR Awards Driver $50,000 For Homophobic Comments
5/27/2011 - U.S. Dentists Can't Make Nation's Teeth Any Damn Whiter
5/27/2011 - On Jennifer Capriati's 1994 Arrest For Marijuana Possession
5/27/2011 - It's 10 Already?
5/26/2011 - Report: Kevin Durant’s Success Could Lead To More NBA Teams Drafting Tall Players
5/26/2011 - Al-Qaeda's New Leadership
5/26/2011 - Smallpox Destruction Delayed
5/26/2011 - Shelby Cross Instructs Viewers To Build "Justice Shed"
5/26/2011 - Panicked Man Looking For Son Stressing Everybody Out
5/26/2011 - Economists Gently Suggest American Manufacturing Maybe Start Again With Something Simple Like A Ball
5/26/2011 - Family Deeply Embarrassed by Way Son Died
5/25/2011 - Bin Laden Returns To Sea
5/25/2011 - Oprah: A Look Back
5/25/2011 - Bin Laden's Path Of Destruction
5/25/2011 - How are people reacting to the 500-Foot Bin Laden rampaging through the Mid-Atlantic?
5/25/2011 - Enraged 500-Foot-Tall Bin Laden Rises From Sea, Destroys New York, Washington
5/25/2011 - California Must Cut Inmate Population
5/25/2011 - Small-Town Residents Come Together For Arby's Raising
5/25/2011 - Unplugged
5/24/2011 - Let's Just Go Ahead And Assume We've Learned The Lessons Of The Gabrielle Giffords Shooting
5/24/2011 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 23, 2011
5/24/2011 - Helicopter Mating Season Begins
5/24/2011 - Excited Padres Ask Manager If Cardinals Can Sleep Over
5/24/2011 - Woman Arrested In Moon Rock Sale Bust
5/24/2011 - We In Golden Age Of Thing, Guy Who Likes Thing Reports
5/24/2011 - Final Minutes Of Last Harry Potter Movie To Be Split Into Seven Separate Films
5/24/2011 - Catholic Child Told About Doggy Heaven, Doggy Hell
5/23/2011 - The Week In Pictures
5/23/2011 - 'The Hangover' Guys Vs. 'Bridesmaids' Gals
5/23/2011 - May 23, 2011
5/23/2011 - 16 & Pure Energy
5/23/2011 - Fewer Emergency Rooms As Need Increases
5/23/2011 - Old Photographs Reveal Grandmother Never That Attractive
5/23/2011 - Neurologists Implore Professional Athletes To Wait Until They Are Dead To Send In Brains For Research
5/23/2011 - Guy Eats His Weight In Combos Over 3-Month Period
5/23/2011 - Maple Syrup Reactors Safe, Canadian Prime Minister Reassures
5/22/2011 - Russell Westbrook
5/22/2011 - Lunatic Realizes Thing He Screamed In Middle Of Street Earlier Not Entirely True
5/21/2011 - Astros Sold By Best Door-To-Door Salesman In The World
5/21/2011 - Alan Rickman Ends Pizza Delivery Order With Ominous 'So Be It'
5/21/2011 - Man's Life Riddled With Continuity Errors
5/21/2011 - Star Trek: The Next Iteration
5/20/2011 - Cash-Strapped PBS Releases Nova Special On Physics Behind Rhythmically Bouncing Breasts
5/20/2011 - On Phoenix Suns Executive Rick Welts Coming Out
5/20/2011 - Roy Halladay Draws Strike Zone On Back Of Hand As Reminder
5/20/2011 - World To End Saturday
5/20/2011 - Government Official Who Makes Perfectly Valid, Well-Reasoned Point Against Israel Forced To Resign
5/20/2011 - Player-Led Workouts
5/20/2011 - God Quietly Phasing Holy Ghost Out Of Trinity
5/20/2011 - Mavericks: Winning Championship For Jason Kidd Not Really A Factor In Wanting NBA Title
5/20/2011 - Dollars, Design & Dennis
5/19/2011 - Fiscally I'm A Right-Wing Nutjob, But On Social Issues I'm Fucking Insanely Liberal
5/19/2011 - Santorum Contradicts McCain On ‘Enhanced Interrogation’
5/19/2011 - High School Fuckup Now In Charge Of Checking Airport Luggage For Explosives
5/19/2011 - Nation Down To Last Hundred Grown-Ups
5/19/2011 - America's Waitresses: Are They Hitting On You?
5/19/2011 - New Bailiff Tired Of Hearing How Old Bailiff Did Things
5/19/2011 - Now's Not The Time For Spiders!
5/18/2011 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 16, 2011
5/18/2011 - What Are We Putting Into Storage?
5/18/2011 - Bin Laden's Abandoned Terror Plots
5/18/2011 - Sesame Street
5/18/2011 - A Look Inside Planned Parenthood's $8 Billion Abortionplex
5/18/2011 - Scott Erickson Attempts To Sell 1994 No-Hitter On eBay
5/18/2011 - Daughter Taken From Mom After Botox Admission
5/18/2011 - Obama, Tennessee Titans Have No Clue Why Team Invited To White House
5/18/2011 - Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex
5/18/2011 - Blind Date Pronounces Every Syllable Of Word 'Comfortable'
5/17/2011 - Oklahoma City Thunder Wander Town Aimlessly Looking For Place To Celebrate Big Win
5/17/2011 - Massachusetts Mayors Battle Melatonin Brownie
5/17/2011 - Baseball Experts: It Still Early
5/17/2011 - Everyone But You Attending Some Important Meeting In Other Room
5/17/2011 - Desperate PBS Premieres
Nova: Boobs A-Bouncin'
5/17/2011 - Missing Teen's Friends Go On TV To Plead For Her Release, Gossip About Ugly Classmates
5/17/2011 - Business Card Confirms That Real-Estate Agent Is Eddie Money
5/16/2011 - Vatican Blames Man-Made Emissions For Global Warming
5/16/2011 - Genuine Love And Respect Only Thing Holding Area Relationship Together
5/16/2011 - Load Of Mulch Dumped In Kind Of Ballsy Location
5/16/2011 - Laid-Off Zookeeper Goes On Tranquilizing Spree
5/15/2011 - Animal Kingdom
5/15/2011 - Man Eating Cashew Butter Can’t Believe He Wasted So Many Years Fucking Around With Peanut Butter
5/14/2011 - McDonald's Stock Tumbles As Consumers Turn To Food
5/14/2011 - Friends And Family Worry As Athlete May Be Permanently Stuck In Zone
5/14/2011 - Elderly Couple To Try Peacefully Dying Together Again Tonight
5/14/2011 - Gentle Ben Biographer's Shocking New Book Reveals Famous Bear's 28-Pine-Marten-A-Day Habit
5/14/2011 - Nation Wrestling With Notion Of Mark Cuban Winning NBA Title
5/14/2011 - HP Unveils Non-Computer For Those Who Don't Need A Computer
5/13/2011 - Our Annual Vanity Fair Issue
5/13/2011 - Update: Obama Yet Again Refrains From Obliterating Human Race
5/13/2011 - Could Shackleford Win The Triple Crown? No Because He Didn't Win The Kentucky Derby
5/13/2011 - Career Highlights Of Phil Jackson
5/13/2011 - Bronx Zoo Loses Peacock
5/13/2011 - Every Player Begins Hitting Home Runs After Copying Albert Pujols’ Stance, Swing
5/13/2011 - Area Man Has Some Pretty Shitty Mob Ties
5/13/2011 - On The Lakers Being Eliminated
5/13/2011 - Surinamese Man Struggles To Write Great Surinamese Novel
5/13/2011 - Justin Verlander Doesn’t Bother Telling Parents Difference Between No-Hitter And Perfect Game
5/13/2011 - Have My Leftovers
5/13/2011 - I Gave You Life, You Ungrateful Bastard
5/12/2011 - If I See Doug, I'm Going To Kick His Ass vs. Apparently Doug Is A Better Fighter Than I Thought
5/12/2011 - Shriver, Schwarzenegger Separate
5/12/2011 - Live: Congress Debates New Sex-Based American Dreams
5/12/2011 - It Pleases Me To Announce The Elevation And Coronation Of Hammond Morris, The Onion's New Advertising Czar
5/12/2011 - John Edwards Pays $30 To Register Edwards2016.com Just In Case
5/12/2011 - Heroic Turtle Dials Most Of 911
5/12/2011 - Report: Area Woman Has Best Friends In Whole World
5/12/2011 - Zeitgeist Hunters
5/12/2011 - Storage Wars
5/11/2011 - What Did We Forget At The Grocery Store?
5/11/2011 - Rate Of Uninformed Conversations About Navy SEALs Skyrockets
5/11/2011 - The Post-College Job Hunt
5/11/2011 - Gingrich Announces Candidacy
5/11/2011 - Area Nephew A Very Funny Young Man
5/11/2011 - Exhausted Derek Jeter Sleeps 20 Hours Straight After 2-Home-Run Game
5/11/2011 - Obama Makes It Through Another Day Of Resisting Urge To Launch All U.S. Nuclear Weapons At Once
5/11/2011 - Witnesses Say Ostrich Farm Employee Was "Asking For It"
5/10/2011 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 9, 2011
5/10/2011 - Team Owners Object to MLB's New Run-Sharing Agreement
5/10/2011 - 142 Plane Crash Victims Were Statistically More Likely To Have Died In A Car Crash
5/10/2011 - Parental Drinking Supervision Doesn't Work
5/10/2011 - Satellite Frantically Trying To Bounce Signal To Swearing Man's Phone
5/10/2011 - Hostages Trapped Inside Walmart Insisting They Never Shop At Walmart
5/10/2011 - Do you ever leave the lights on when you leave the house?
5/9/2011 - Mommy Had Sleepover Last Night
5/9/2011 - Landlords Urged To Be Vigilant Against Terrorists
5/9/2011 - Report: Samantha's New Haircut Pretty Bad, But Don't Say Anything
5/9/2011 - Slow-Working Pitcher Really Getting Inside Head Of Kid In Crowd Who Needs To Go To The Bathroom
5/9/2011 - Budget Mix-Up Provides Nation's Schools With Enough Money To Properly Educate Students
5/8/2011 - Area Woman Marries Into Health Insurance
5/8/2011 - What's The Point?
5/7/2011 - UFC Fighter Has Idea For T-Shirt With A Bunch Of Shit Written All Over It
5/7/2011 - Attempt To Recreate Incredible Night Out From Youth Works Perfectly
5/7/2011 - Man Angry At Self After Not Recognizing Actress In Eyelash Commercial
5/6/2011 - On Commissioner Goodell Being Booed Mercilessly Throughout The NFL Draft
5/6/2011 - Eric Chavez Sheds Three Limbs Running To First Base
5/6/2011 - Other Guy Named Osama Bin Laden Can Finally Relax
5/6/2011 - Report: NFL Players Look Weird In Suits
5/6/2011 - Man Could See Himself Spending Rest Of Life With Image Of Woman In Head
5/6/2011 - Athletes In Politics
5/6/2011 - NASCAR Drivers Stop Cars Mid-Race, Exit Vehicles, Walk Off Premises
5/6/2011 - California Has Nation's Worst Air
5/6/2011 - Hamm's Beer Bear Found Dead In Flop Zoo
5/6/2011 - Penguin Autopsy
5/5/2011 - Predator Drone TR425 Takes The Stand
5/5/2011 - U.S. Sets Tornado Record
5/5/2011 - Hundreds Of Horrified Onlookers Gather Around Wreckage Of Area Man
5/5/2011 - Obama Finally Tells Rambling Tom Vilsack To Shut The Fuck Up During Cabinet Meeting
5/5/2011 - Coffee Roaster Tries To Come Up With Patriotic Blend
5/4/2011 - Predator Drone Court-Martialed For Afghani Civilian Deaths
5/4/2011 - Why Do We Hate Billy Joel?
5/4/2011 - Beastie Boys Release New Album
5/4/2011 - Supreme Court Hinders Consumer Rights To Sue
5/4/2011 - Phillies Season-Ticket Holder Stuck With Goddamn Joe Blanton Game Again
5/4/2011 - Congress Gets In 12 Solid Hours Of Gridlocking Before Calling It A Day
5/4/2011 - Guy Who Came In Late Not Sure How Much Longer He Should Pretend To Be Frazzled
5/4/2011 - Friendly Dragon Added To U.S. Arsenal
5/4/2011 - Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
5/3/2011 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 2, 2011
5/3/2011 - Mariah Spawns Twins
5/3/2011 - Knicks Management Puzzled As To Why Chauncey Billups Wants To Return
5/3/2011 - Vatican Canonizes John Paul II As Patron Saint Of Ignoring Problem Until You Die
5/3/2011 - The White Nation Will Never Resume Its Rightful Place Until One Of Us Learns How To Make A Decent Website
5/3/2011 - Pfizer Breaks Psychological Need To Always Seek FDA's Approval
5/3/2011 - Obama Befriends Rich Elderly Widow In Hopes She'll Put Nation In Her Will
5/3/2011 - Kids Eat The Darnedest Things
5/3/2011 - Matthew Lillard To Play Matthew Lillard In Upcoming Film
5/3/2011 - Would you join Greenpeace, the World Wildlife Fund, or any other environmental organization?
5/3/2011 - Do you carpool to work?
5/3/2011 - Would you use recycled bathroom tissue?
5/3/2011 - Would you ever lobby your local government to make your town more eco-friendly?
5/3/2011 - On the whole, would you say you are 'greener' now than you were 5 years ago?
5/2/2011 - May 2, 2011
5/2/2011 - Osama Bin Laden Killed While Sitting On Toilet, Nation Likes To Imagine
5/2/2011 - Fans Disappointed To Learn 'Fast Five' Contains No Car-Chase Scenes
5/2/2011 - Chrysler Introduces New Midsized Sedan For In-Home Use
5/2/2011 - Osama Bin Laden: Death Of A Mother Fucker
5/2/2011 - Violent Death Of Human Being Terrific News For Once
5/2/2011 - LaSalle, Illinois Awaits Fabled Drug Shipment
5/2/2011 - Mariano Rivera Yelled At For Blowing Save
5/2/2011 - PlayStation 3 Data Breach May Be Biggest Ever
5/1/2011 - Boise Homemaker Bows Toward Mecca Just To See What It's Like
5/1/2011 - Weather
5/1/2011 - Miami Heat vs. Boston Celtics