11/30/2011 - Cake Boss

11/30/2011 - Brooke Alvarez Explains Why There Are So Many People In Prison

11/30/2011 - Radio DJ Invites Whole Town To Some Bullshit

11/30/2011 - Scientists Create Lightest Material

11/30/2011 - 54 Iraqis Die In Not Our Problem Anymore

11/30/2011 - U.S. Citizens Form Massive Special Disinterest Group

11/29/2011 - Tommy Santiago And Joni Wills

11/29/2011 - Even Annoying Twentysomething Shits Like Me Deserve To Have A Future

11/29/2011 - How To Turn Down A Dare Graciously

11/29/2011 - Pop Culture

11/29/2011 - 'Please Stop Calling Me Big Baby,' Says Glen 'Pencil Dick' Davis

11/29/2011 - U.S. Adds 4 Million Jobs But In St. Louis

11/29/2011 - Former Couple Will Remain Friends Until One Finds New Sex Partner

11/29/2011 - Canada Keeps Marijuana Illegal

11/29/2011 - High Unemployment Linked To Increasing Number Of Face Tattoos

11/28/2011 - Wife Unfazed By Husband's Sad E-Mails To Other Women

11/28/2011 - The Week In Pictures: Family Edition

11/28/2011 - Old-Fashioned No-Water Practice Gets High School Diving Coach Fired

11/28/2011 - Older Hispanic Men Line Up Excitedly For 'Breaking Dawn' Premiere

11/28/2011 - Record Sales Expected For Cyber Monday

11/28/2011 - Apartment Set Up To Create Illusion Of Well-Rounded Life

11/28/2011 - Nation's 10-Year-Old Boys: 'If You See Someone Raping Us, Please Call The Police'

11/28/2011 - Congested Values

11/25/2011 - Hungover Heineken Promoter Can't Remember What He Said About Heineken Last Night

11/24/2011 - Dolphins vs. Cowboys

11/24/2011 - Mass Grave Blasted For Lack Of Diversity

11/23/2011 - Cowboys' Presumed Thanksgiving Win To Cause Nation To Vomit Up Dinners

11/23/2011 - Brooke Alvarez Must Decide Between "Watch The Throne" And "Carter IV"

11/23/2011 - Budget Super Committee A Bust

11/23/2011 - Longtime Heckler Just Kind Of Fell Into Heckling

11/22/2011 - Russian Hackers Target Water Supply

11/22/2011 - Local Historian Has Big News For Grover Cleveland Fans

11/21/2011 - The Week In Pictures

11/21/2011 - Autistic Reporter, Michael Falk, Enchanted By Prison's Rigid Routine

11/21/2011 - U.S. Births Drop Again

11/21/2011 - Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department

11/20/2011 - Prescription: Bedtime

11/20/2011 - Area Ford Taurus Thinks It Could've Made It In NASCAR If It Had Started Earlier

11/20/2011 - Smooth Transaction At DMV Exaggerated Into Story Anyway

11/19/2011 - Hey, Guys, Did You See The Game?

11/19/2011 - Burger King Introduces New Thing To Throw In Front Of Kids After Another Hellish Day At Work

11/19/2011 - Neighbor's House Fire Kind Of Beautiful, Actually

11/19/2011 - High Integrity, Moral Decency Has Cost Idiot Man Millions

11/18/2011 - America's Great Interstate Rest Stops

11/18/2011 - Eagles Having Postmodernist Short-Storybook Season

11/18/2011 - The Most In-Demand Sleepover Buddies For The Greater Lincoln City Metropolitan Area 

11/18/2011 - Teen Zebra Doesn't Give A Shit How Much You Honk, He's Not Getting Out Of Road 

11/18/2011 - Team Unsure Of What Fans Mean By 'Go!'

11/18/2011 - Pit Crew Triumphantly Carries Winning Car Off Track

11/18/2011 - Report: Majority Of Americans Experience Profound Sense Of Dread When Asked To Name Favorite Music

11/18/2011 - Report: Some Sick Fuck Out There Now Supporting Herman Cain Because Of Sexual Assault Allegations

11/18/2011 - China Uneasy About American Troop Deployment

11/18/2011 - More Vegetables Evolving Chocolate-Sauce-Filled Centers As Evolutionary Imperative

11/18/2011 - NHL's Critics Find No Evidence That Penalty Box Reforms Players

11/18/2011 - Teenager Learns Negligible Value Of A Dollar

11/17/2011 - NFL Searching For Any Unused Harbaughs

11/17/2011 - Only Time Employee Has Ever Done Job Is When Training Replacement

11/17/2011 - How To Rise To The Challenge

11/17/2011 - I've Never Prayed Before In My Life, But I'm Absolutely Desperate

11/17/2011 - The Onion Sports Guide To The NBA Lockout

11/17/2011 - New Robot Warns When Someone's About To Walk In On You Masturbating

11/17/2011 - 'Family Circus' Creator Dead

11/17/2011 - NASA Seeking Astronauts

11/17/2011 - Rick Santorum Asks U.S. Populace If He's Still Running For President

11/17/2011 - Owning A Boat Is Not Worth It

11/16/2011 - Report: Jessica Milly Has Put Out

11/16/2011 - Parking Wars

11/16/2011 - Brooke Alvarez Teaches Us How To Deal With Uninformed People

11/16/2011 - Top Contenders To Make It With Milly

11/16/2011 - Classmates Respond To Jessica Milly’s Decision To Put Out

11/16/2011 - When Will Jessica Milly Officially Put Out For The First Time?

11/16/2011 - Felons Have Increasing Access To Guns

11/16/2011 - Breaking: Jessica Milly To Start Putting Out

11/16/2011 - Homeless Man Bestows God's Blessing Upon All Within Earshot

11/15/2011 - Steven Geary passed away Tuesday evening surrounded by friends, family, and one secret enemy.

11/15/2011 - Nation To Bring In Revenue By Offering Official United States Of America Franchise Opportunities

11/15/2011 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 15, 2011

11/15/2011 - Sword Stolen From Lincoln's Tomb

11/15/2011 - Magnanimous Banker Hires Occupy Wall Street Protesters

11/15/2011 - Confusing Insult Awkwardly Clarified

11/14/2011 - Alex Ovechkin Having Trouble Following Puck On TV

11/14/2011 - I Know I'm Pregnant

11/14/2011 - Jim And Tracy Put On Fat Suits To See What Life Is Really Like For Awful Fat People

11/14/2011 - New Strip Mall Of America Stretches Over 1/6th of North Dakota

11/14/2011 - America's Forgotten

11/14/2011 - The Week In Pictures

11/14/2011 - Crystal Returns To Oscars

11/14/2011 - Man To Sail Around World To Decrease Awareness Of Important Issues

11/13/2011 - Report: Military Contractor Overcharged Pentagon For Torturing Iraqi Citizens

11/13/2011 - Jets vs. Patriots

11/13/2011 - Churchgoer Blanks On Why She Is Lighting Votive Candle

11/12/2011 - Previously On

11/12/2011 - On 20 Years Since Magic Johnson Announced He Was HIV Positive

11/12/2011 - Friend's Excuses For Why He Can't Hang Out Getting More Sophisticated Over Time

11/12/2011 - Bus Passenger Believes She Lives In World Where Curried Shrimp Is Odorless

11/12/2011 - Eli Manning Throws Big-Boy Touchdown

11/11/2011 - House Hunters International

11/11/2011 - Celebratory Jets Dump Cooler Of Soap And Water On Rex Ryan

11/11/2011 - Enter And Win Our Contest To Meet And Have A Weird, Forced Conversation With The Cast of True Blood

11/11/2011 - Jobs' Last Words Revealed

11/11/2011 - Latest GOP Debate Concludes With Candidates Wrestling Squealing Pig To Ground And Slaughtering It

11/11/2011 - A House Like No Other

11/11/2011 - Revelations From Shaq’s New Book

11/11/2011 - Why Aren't We Protesting?

11/11/2011 - Latest GOP Debate Concludes With Candidates Wrestling Squealing Pig To Ground And Slaughtering It

11/11/2011 - Hoover Biopic Opens Today

11/11/2011 - Fertility Center Asks Couple If They Want Some Cheap Eggs From A Real Fucked Up Chick

11/11/2011 - Scientist Has Nagging Feeling He Left Particle Accelerator Running.

11/10/2011 - New York City Marathon Winner Does Cool-Down Jog Back To Kenya

11/10/2011 - Tom Brady, Mark Sanchez Prepare For Jets-Pats Matchup By Having Sex With Each Other

11/10/2011 - Sports Media Asks Molestation Victims What This Means For Joe Paterno's Legacy

11/10/2011 - Embarrassed JCPenney Announces All It's Sold In Past Year Is Two Fleece Jackets And A Scattergories Game

11/10/2011 - Police: Student Had Embarrassingly Bad Plans For School Shooting

11/10/2011 - Berlusconi To Step Down

11/10/2011 - Report: Caucasians Will Soon Be A Minority In Their Own Goddamn Country

11/9/2011 - Whitney

11/9/2011 - Owners Of Google Hope To Parlay World's Most Popular Website Into Book Deal

11/9/2011 - Store-Bought Honey May Be Dangerous

11/9/2011 - Report: It All Some Kind Of Sick Joke

11/9/2011 - Psychic Helps Police Waste Valuable Time

11/8/2011 - NBA Says They Can Still Salvage A 10-Game Season

11/8/2011 - Brendan Fraser To Star In New Pre-Movie Trivia Question

11/8/2011 - The Entertainer's House

11/8/2011 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 8, 2011

11/8/2011 - I Got A Beat Down From A Crazy Cat Dude

11/8/2011 - Chicken Pox Lollipops Ineffective

11/8/2011 - Brooke Alvarez Can Speak News In Any Language

11/8/2011 - Wheelchair-Bound Student Would Have Preferred To Sit Out Pep Rally

11/7/2011 - Charlie Rose

11/7/2011 - Yahoo! Launches Soul-Search Engine

11/7/2011 - Celebrity Chef Ted Allen Cooks His Favorite Pretentious Foodie Bullshit Meal

11/7/2011 - Obama Now Attempting To Get Each Word Of Jobs Bill Passed Individually

11/7/2011 - November 7, 2011

11/7/2011 - Bank Executives On 15th Floor Gambling On Which Occupy Wall Street Protester Will Be Arrested Next

11/7/2011 - Rams Take First Down Off To Enjoy The Beautiful Field Position

11/7/2011 - Greenhouse Gases Worse Than Worst Prediction

11/6/2011 - Walking Dead

11/6/2011 - November 8

11/6/2011 - Greatest Moments Of Tony La Russa's Career

11/6/2011 - Jennifer Lopez Comes Out With Own Clothesline Line

11/6/2011 - Woman With Furrowed Brow On Airplane Carefully Studies Article About Which Actress Wore Dress Better

11/5/2011 - Adult Bookstore To Enhance Shopping Experience With Café

11/5/2011 - On The Rams Winning Their First Game

11/5/2011 - Marvin Lewis On Suicide Watch After Becoming Winningest Coach In Bengals History

11/5/2011 - Cute 8-Year-Old Starting To Realize How Much Better She Is Than Ugly Girls

11/4/2011 - Pulitzer Board Adds Giant Pumpkin Category

11/4/2011 - Grey's Boobs

11/4/2011 - Facebook Increases User Control With New 'Cancel Account' Feature

11/4/2011 - Lions Defenders Drive Tim Tebow Five Feet Into Ground

11/4/2011 - Ten Prayers That Will Get God To Stand Up And Take Notice

11/4/2011 - Why Are We Wearing A Tuxedo?

11/4/2011 - Joe Flacco: 'Before You Get Too Impressed, I Intend To Throw For Only 60 Yards Next Week'

11/4/2011 - LSU at ALABAMA

11/4/2011 - Satire Mag Burned For Muhammad Cartoon

11/4/2011 - Security Guards Chase Naked USA Fan Around White House

11/4/2011 - Brandon Jacobs Furious At Giants Coaching Staff For Not Giving Him More Yards Per Carry

11/4/2011 - Conclusion Of MLB Season Fails To Tie Up Several Loose Ends 

11/4/2011 - Boxer Hopes He Can Make Money Punching Things In Retirement

11/3/2011 - David Freese Swarmed In St. Louis By Hordes Of Swooning, Average-Looking Women

11/3/2011 - The Week In Pictures

11/3/2011 - Kevin Kolb Lands New Job Where He Isn't Booed And Tackled As Much

11/3/2011 - November 6

11/3/2011 - The iPod Turns 10

11/3/2011 - Painkiller Overdose Deaths At Record High

11/3/2011 - Almost No Effort Made To Stop Kid From Eating Cigarette Butt

11/3/2011 - Report: More Recent College Graduates Making Extra Money By Tutoring High School Teachers

11/3/2011 - Deadbeat Congressman Spends Time With Constituents For First Time In Months

11/2/2011 - Perfecting Your Revenge Plot

11/2/2011 - Those Darn Caucasians

11/2/2011 - U.S. Turns To The Makers Of The Foul-Tasting But Very Successful Zico Coconut Water To Help Turn Economy Around

11/2/2011 - Bill Simmons Somehow Still Writing About 2010 NBA Season

11/2/2011 - Anonymous Targets Drug Cartel

11/2/2011 - Sure, Area Man Can Watch Your Cat While His Life Is Falling Apart

11/2/2011 - Visiting Liberian Dignitary In No Hurry To Leave

11/2/2011 - Obama Publishes Tell-All Book About America

11/1/2011 - November 4

11/1/2011 - If Humans Evolved To Be Social Creatures, Then Why Didn't Anyone Come To My Party?

11/1/2011 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 29, 2011

11/1/2011 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 1, 2011

11/1/2011 - Black Licorice Linked To Irregular Heartbeat

11/1/2011 - Bored Assistant Principal Browses Through Confiscated Items

11/1/2011 - Theo Epstein Disgusted To Find Cubs Playing In Old Stadium With Weeds Growing All Over Walls

11/1/2011 - Huntsman Quietly Relieved To Be Polling Poorly Among GOP Voters

11/1/2011 - Glenn Beck Appears In Revealing Documentary About Brooke Alvarez's Childhood As Russian Cosmonaut