Sitemap: 2012 August | The Onion

8/31/2012 - Days Of Our Lives

8/31/2012 - The 22-Year-Old Female From Florida You And Your Cousin Cybered With In 1996: Where Is She Now?

8/31/2012 - Clint Eastwood Gives Bizarre Speech

8/31/2012 - The 2012 GOP Race: Looking Back On A Great Era In American Politics

8/31/2012 - Woman Knew Ever Since Age 40 She Didn't Want Children

8/31/2012 - Cowboys Give Dez Bryant List Of Rules He Can Break

8/31/2012 - Features Of LeBron James' New Shoe

8/31/2012 - Doctors: Sidney Crosby Has Greatly Improved Ability To Hide Concussion Symptoms Lately

8/31/2012 - 'You Did Great!' Terrified Personal Assistant Tells Clint Eastwood

8/31/2012 - On Royals Fans Taking Out An Ad Asking Ownership To Sell

8/31/2012 - 'A Cashier At Our Davenport Location Did What?' Disgusted Sbarro CEO Asks

8/31/2012 - Lohan Banned From Hotel For $46,000 Unpaid Bill

8/30/2012 - Best They Could Get Accepts Republican Nomination

8/30/2012 - Valiant Fact-Checkers Once Again Save American Political System From Descending Into Corruption

8/30/2012 - Oh No, Kickoff Returner Running Out From Back Of Endzone

8/30/2012 - Vince Young Rewatches 2006 Rose Bowl Game Alone At Bus Depot

8/30/2012 - New Orleans Survives Hurricane

8/30/2012 - Patty Reese and Ken Sanders

8/30/2012 - Romney's Acceptance Speech To Avoid Mentioning Personal, Professional, Religious, Political Life

8/30/2012 - Teen Unaware He Locked In Heated Ongoing Competition With Parents' Friends' Son

8/30/2012 - Piracy Down Sharply Off African Coast

8/30/2012 - Republican National Convention Day 3

8/30/2012 - Lance Armstrong's Publicity Team Playing Up The 1993 Norway Road Race Title He Still Has

8/30/2012 - What's In Our Severance Package?

8/30/2012 - World Wildlife Fund Quickly Backtracks After Announcing Panda Ears Are Delicious

8/29/2012 - John McCain Just Blew His Brains Out During RNC Speech

8/29/2012 - Rodent-Borne Virus Kills 2 At Yosemite

8/29/2012 - Tim Darje

8/29/2012 - Brave Woman Enters Restaurant Without First Looking It Up Online

8/29/2012 - Jeb Bush Warns RNC Attendees Of Bad Cialis Going Around Parking Lot

8/29/2012 - Do you agree with the Netflix board of directors' decision that 'Michael' is stream worthy?

8/29/2012 - Pediatricians Tout Benefits Of Circumcision

8/29/2012 - Republican National Convention Day 2

8/29/2012 - Netflix Board Of Directors Meets To Decide If 'Michael' Is Stream Worthy

8/28/2012 - Entire Republican National Convention Stunned As Ann Romney Asks For Divorce

8/28/2012 - Unicycling Bear's Agent Has Long List Of Demands

8/28/2012 - Gay Marine Beaten To Bloody Pulp To Fire Up RNC Crowd

8/28/2012 - Will.i.am To Debut New Song On Mars

8/28/2012 - Democratic Scouts Head To Tampa To Get Closer Look At Mitt Romney

8/28/2012 - Astros Not Even Good Enough To Play For Pride

8/28/2012 - Hot New 'Murder Craze' Sweeps Chicago

8/28/2012 - Report: More Than 280 Yao Mings Killed By Chinese Poachers In 2012

8/28/2012 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 28, 2012

8/28/2012 - Here Are All Of My Opinions

8/28/2012 - Republican National Convention Day 1

8/28/2012 - NYPD Criticized For Shooting Amid Crowds

8/28/2012 - Lord Answers Bible-Camp Counselor's Prayer For Safe And Enjoyable Hike

8/28/2012 - NASA Asks Russians To Stop Filming Porn On International Space Station

8/27/2012 - Stars Earn Stripes

8/27/2012 - GOP Convention To Feature Strong Lineup Of Conservative Women Listeners

8/27/2012 - RNC Builds Levee Out Of Poor People To Protect Convention Site

8/27/2012 - Things That Shouldn't Be Said In Modern Society To Be Said At Least 1,400 Times At RNC

8/27/2012 - The Thrill of Victory

8/27/2012 - Neil Armstrong Dies

8/27/2012 - Desperate Angels Deactivate, Reactivate Vernon Wells To See If That Works

8/27/2012 - Bostonians Urged To Speak Like Normal Human Beings When Communicating With Flood Rescue Personnel

8/27/2012 - Red Vines Recalled Due To High Lead Content

8/27/2012 - The Week In Pictures

8/27/2012 - Abusive Obsessive-Compulsive Has To Punch Wife Exactly 20 Times

8/27/2012 - New Sympathetic Alarm Clock Just Lets You Sleep

8/27/2012 - Bunch Of Numbers From Where Daddy Works Means No Trip To Disney World

8/26/2012 - Law & Order: D.A.R.E. Unit

8/26/2012 - Annette and Barrett Carnell

8/26/2012 - College Roommates Surprised To Find Dorm Room Has One King-Size Bed

8/26/2012 - John Daly Injured After Vicious Hit During Arena Golf Tournament

8/26/2012 - School Janitor's Summer As Human Already A Distant Memory

8/25/2012 - Neil Armstrong Becomes 115 Billionth Man To Die On Earth

8/25/2012 - Nathan Kroger

8/25/2012 - Roger Clemens

8/25/2012 - Jerry Sandusky Somehow Coaching Little League World Series Team

8/25/2012 - Putin Learns Putin Behind Plot to Assassinate Putin

8/25/2012 - Dad Navigates Reduced-Rate Travel Websites Like Mozart Composing Symphony

8/24/2012 - Haven’t We All Done Steroids, In A Way?

8/24/2012 - Your Old High School Teachers: How Many Of Them Are Dead Now?

8/24/2012 - Lance Armstrong Lets Down Single Person Who Still Believed Him

8/24/2012 - New Sympathetic Alarm Clock Just Lets You Sleep

8/24/2012 - Frozen Man

8/24/2012 - Orlando Magic 2012-13 Season Preview Guide To Feature Photo Of Arena On Cover

8/24/2012 - John Lennon's Murderer Denied Parole

8/24/2012 - Augusta National's Social Progress

8/24/2012 - On Maria Sharapova Launching A Candy Company

8/24/2012 - Fed Chief Makes Diplomatic Visit To Econopolis

8/24/2012 - SLIDESHOW | Lance Armstrong: Cyclist, Survivor, Liar, Hero

8/24/2012 - Navy SEAL Pens Memoir Of Bin Laden Raid

8/24/2012 - Everyone Unaware How Much Freshman Doing Keg Stand Secretly Misses His Parents

8/24/2012 - Nation's Underfunded Public Education System To Experiment With Shortened 6-Day School Year

8/23/2012 - Scientists Combine 20 Tiny Dogs To Make Reasonably Sized Dog

8/23/2012 - Nation Celebrates Full Week Without Deadly Mass Shooting

8/23/2012 - U.S. Headed For 'Fiscal Cliff'

8/23/2012 - New Memoir Reveals Navy SEAL Bounced A Few Book Ideas Off Bin Laden Before Killing Him

8/23/2012 - Queen Elizabeth Annoyed Nude Pictures Of Prince Harry Don't Show Anything Good

8/23/2012 - Worst-Selling Back-To-School Supplies

8/23/2012 - Ichiro Suzuki Convinces Yankee Teammates That It's Good Luck To Lick His Elbow

8/23/2012 - College Newspaper Endorses Barack Obama

8/23/2012 - Michael J. Fox Returning To TV

8/23/2012 - Relaxation Tape Can't Play Any Louder

8/23/2012 - Mom Unaware Little Note She Packed With Son's Lunch Getting Him Beaten Up Right Now

8/22/2012 - U.S. Military Sends A Few More Of Those Things Over To Afghanistan To Replace Dead Ones

8/22/2012 - Tommy Wilcox, 7, died Wednesday, exactly six minutes after he and his friends found an old set of lawn darts in his family's garage.

8/22/2012 - Area Man Regrets Investing In Facebook

8/22/2012 - Hurricane Could Strike RNC

8/22/2012 - Poll Reveals You Live In Country Where Mentally Ill Man Still Has Good Chance Of Being Senator

8/22/2012 - 2nd-Grade Teacher Can't Believe How Much Fatter They Keep Getting

8/22/2012 - Teacher Just Hopes They Never Google Him

8/22/2012 - Restrictive Voter Laws On The Rise

8/22/2012 - Myanmar Ends Media Censorship

8/22/2012 - Farm Subsidy Blown On Farming

8/22/2012 - Country Artist Sings About Real America And Its Meth Addicts

8/21/2012 - Apple Becomes Largest U.S. Company Ever

8/21/2012 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 21, 2012

8/21/2012 - New Commercial Posits Existence Of Jaguars Fans

8/21/2012 - Ask A Freshman English Class Going Around The Room And Saying A Little Bit About Themselves

8/21/2012 - Tampa Bay Gay Prostitutes Gearing Up For Flood Of Closeted Republicans

8/21/2012 - Cornell To Install Suicide-Prevention Nets

8/21/2012 - Augusta National Admits First 'Woman'

8/21/2012 - Parents Don't Remember Enough Colors To Help With Kindergartner's Homework

8/20/2012 - Nation's Grandparents Voice Concern Over Reading-Light Levels

8/20/2012 - Republicans Condemn Akin's Comments As Blemish On Party's Otherwise Spotless Women's Rights Record

8/20/2012 - Pregnant Woman Relieved To Learn Her Rape Was Illegitimate

8/20/2012 - I Misspoke—What I Meant To Say Is 'I Am Dumb As Dog Shit And I Am A Terrible Human Being'

8/20/2012 - America's Got Rabies

8/20/2012 - Multiple Choice

8/20/2012 - 6th-Grade Teacher Seen Making Out With GameStop Dude

8/20/2012 - David Ortiz Convinced There's Something Like The 7th-Inning Stretch But For The 70th Inning

8/20/2012 - Congressman: Pregnancy Rarely Results From 'Legitimate Rape'

8/20/2012 - Arizona Heatwave Forces Temporary Suspension Of Racial Profiling

8/20/2012 - The Week In Pictures

8/20/2012 - Wal-Mart's International Growth Falters

8/20/2012 - College Roommates To Continue Bonding Process Until Real Friends Made

8/20/2012 - Dream About Walking Around With No Pants In Supermarket Finally Comes True

8/20/2012 - Nation's Women Not As Crazy About Bryan Gosling

8/19/2012 - Slideshow: The Vice Presidency

8/19/2012 - Terrell Owens Having Trouble Deciding Which Seahawks Quarterback To Undermine

8/19/2012 - Breaking Bad

8/19/2012 - Croatian Prime Minister Currently Stuck Under Pile Of Turnips

8/18/2012 - Brian Urlacher Confident He'll Be Ready To Sit Out Opener

8/18/2012 - Strongside/Weakside: Rory McIlroy

8/18/2012 - Torrent Time

8/18/2012 - Full Unsliced Lemon Makes Glass Of Water Particularly Refreshing

8/18/2012 - Woman Has Bizarre Ability To Share Details About Personal Life With Parents

8/17/2012 - On The Nationals Shutting Down Strasburg For Playoffs

8/17/2012 - Evangelical Hospital Holds 5th Annual Gayness Cure Walk

8/17/2012 - Lowlights Of Chad Johnson's Career

8/17/2012 - Nation's Women Not As Crazy About Bryan Gosling

8/17/2012 - Popeye's Home Boiglerized

8/17/2012 - Pussy Riot Convicted

8/17/2012 - Ramming Your Car Through A U.S. Military Checkpoint And 9 Other Funky First Date Ideas

8/17/2012 - Arianna Huffington Has Webcam Implanted In Forehead

8/17/2012 - Future Olympic Star Hard At Work On Her Backstory

8/17/2012 - Evangelical Hospital Holds 5th Annual Gayness Cure Walk

8/17/2012 - Mutant Butterflies Found Near Fukushima

8/17/2012 - Convenience Of E-Mail Takes Up 30 Percent Of Area Man's Work Day

8/17/2012 - Ground Emerges As Tim Tebow's Favorite Target

8/16/2012 - CDC Study Finds Decrease In Oral Sex Among Teens When Researchers Are Observing

8/16/2012 - Ugandan Powerball Jackpot Hits 31 Grains Of Rice

8/16/2012 - Dallas Declares State Of Emergency

8/16/2012 - 'Huffington Post' Launches Some Sort Of New Thing

8/16/2012 - Chicago Cubs Combine Seven Players To Form One Giant Player Called "Chicagazor"

8/16/2012 - Not Even Julian Assange Clear On What's Going On With Him Right Now

8/16/2012 - Not For Sale

8/16/2012 - Where Do We Go From Here?

8/16/2012 - Study: U.S. Best Place For Women To Buy Jeans

8/16/2012 - Illegal Immigrants Apply To Stay In U.S.

8/16/2012 - U.S. Department Of Corruption Denies Right-Doing

8/16/2012 - Scientists Teach Chimpanzee To Conduct 3-Year Study On Primates

8/15/2012 - Area Woman's Hair Always Wet

8/15/2012 - A Whole Lot Of House

8/15/2012 - Lost Pyramids Found On Google Earth?

8/15/2012 - Contrasting Characters

8/15/2012 - Mars Rover's Discoveries

8/15/2012 - After-Work Drinks Enter Third Excruciating Minute

8/15/2012 - It Would Be An Honor To Serve My Country, Return With PTSD, Sit On A Mental Health Care Waitlist, Then Kill Myself

8/15/2012 - Man Thanks God He's Not Sexually Attracted To Children

8/15/2012 - Presidential Debate To Have Female Moderator

8/15/2012 - Sources Close To Team Wish They Could Talk With Reporters About Something Other Than Rumors For A Change

8/15/2012 - Christian Porn Film Climaxes With Birth Of Child

8/15/2012 - Ryan Begins Attacking Romney's Record As Massachusetts Governor

8/15/2012 - Nipple Of Baby’s Bottle Pierced For Authenticity

8/15/2012 - Obama Up Early Cooking Breakfast In One Of Michelle's Extra Long T-Shirts

8/14/2012 - Luxury Cars Fail Crash Test

8/14/2012 - Pol Pot Conceived On Romantic Summer Evening

8/14/2012 - VP Pick Energizes Republican Basest

8/14/2012 - Mike Krzyzewski Leads Ragtag Band Of Rejects To Olympic Gold

8/14/2012 - Paul Ryan Wondering If He Should Have Told Romney About This Guy He's Dating

8/14/2012 - Beyoncé Sings At U.N.

8/14/2012 - U.S. Women's Basketball Team Probably Won, Too

8/14/2012 - Girls On The Gridiron

8/14/2012 - Wife's Shortcomings Laid Bare By Female Sportscaster

8/14/2012 - Obama Starring In New Judd Apatow Comedy To Appeal To Younger Voters

8/13/2012 - The World Series Of Roulette

8/13/2012 - Admit It, I Scare The Ever-Loving Shit Out Of You, Don't I?

8/13/2012 - Jennifer Aniston Engaged To Guy Who Frankly Will Never Replace Brad

8/13/2012 - Caravan Traveling U.S. To Oppose Drug War

8/13/2012 - Cosmopolitan Releases 5 Sexy Helen Gurley Brown Obituaries To Drive Your Man Wild

8/13/2012 - Your Republican Friend To Explain Why Paul Ryan Is Great Choice

8/13/2012 - Focus: Who Is Paul Ryan?

8/13/2012 - Area Mom Can't Believe She Has To Drive All The Way Out To Rockland For Son's Little League Game

8/13/2012 - The Week In Pictures

8/13/2012 - Sunshine And High Temps In L.A. Make It Another Perfect Day To Be Greg Kinnear

8/13/2012 - Stressed-Out Men Prefer Heavier Women

8/13/2012 - Coworker With Two Computer Screens Not Fucking Around

8/13/2012 - Local Man Can Finally Take 'Buy Socks' Off To-Do List

8/12/2012 - Occasional Butts

8/12/2012 - Nation's Economists Quietly Evacuating Their Families

8/12/2012 - Subway Releases Pool-Water-Soaked Sandwiches To Honor Michael Phelps' Retirement

8/12/2012 - Fuck, Roommates Want To Have Meeting

8/11/2012 - Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan To Awkwardly Hug, High Five For Next Three Months

8/11/2012 - Gabby Douglas

8/11/2012 - New Dating Site Matches Users With Partners They Deserve

8/11/2012 - Thursday, August 16

8/11/2012 - Area Man Confident He Could Design Way Cooler Medal Stand

8/11/2012 - Andrea Kremer Proves Journalistic Prowess By Asking Olympian How That Felt

8/10/2012 - Excited LeBron James Captures Olympic Memories By Shooting Video While Playing Argentina

8/10/2012 - Just Give Us Five Episodes

8/10/2012 - Colorado Shooter Being Evicted

8/10/2012 - Obama Up Early Cooking Breakfast In One Of Michelle's Extra Long T-Shirts

8/10/2012 - Lakers Accidentally Trade For 7-Inch-Tall Center Dwink Howard

8/10/2012 - Workouts You Can Do With A Half-Rack Of Ribs In Your Mouth

8/10/2012 - Christian Bale Visits Sikh Temple Victims

8/10/2012 - Cain Train

8/10/2012 - On The Debut Of The First Female Referee

8/10/2012 - Herman Cain Lifts Suspension Of Presidential Campaign

8/10/2012 - Gaffes By NFL Replacement Referees

8/10/2012 - July Was Hottest Month Ever In U.S.

8/10/2012 - U.S. Teens Lead World In Pregnancy-Test Scores

8/10/2012 - Gabby Douglas Excited To Return To Her Abnormal, Totally Fucked-Up Life

8/9/2012 - Al Michaels, Bob Costas Not Even Sure Who's Who Anymore

8/9/2012 - U.S. Cleaning Up Agent Orange In Vietnam

8/9/2012 - Saturday, August 11

8/9/2012 - Weird, Area Woman Wasn’t Harassed Today

8/9/2012 - London Authorities Cracking Down On Dangerous "Night Olympics"

8/9/2012 - NASA Calls It A Mission As Curiosity Rover Fills Up Whole 2-Gigabyte Memory Card

8/9/2012 - 'Romney Murdered JonBenét Ramsey,' New Obama Campaign Ad Alleges

8/9/2012 - Romney Takes In More Money Than Obama For 612th Consecutive Month

8/9/2012 - What Are We Giving A Second Chance?

8/9/2012 - Now That Man Has Heard About Barack Obama, He Sees References To Him All Over The Place

8/9/2012 - Graphic Anti-Smoking Ads Effective

8/9/2012 - Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

8/9/2012 - Clothing Catalog Creates Unrealistic Expectations For Shirts

8/8/2012 - Friday, August 10

8/8/2012 - 'Hatecore' Music Used As Recruitment Tool

8/8/2012 - Biden's eBay Feedback Rating Dips Below 35 Percent

8/8/2012 - Bugs In Your Body

8/8/2012 - Study: Pretending Everything's Okay Works

8/8/2012 - Drought Ravages U.S.

8/8/2012 - Reading, Writing and Robbery

8/8/2012 - Behind The Pen: Reading, Writing and Robbery

8/8/2012 - Tucson Shooter Switches Plea To 'Guilty'

8/8/2012 - God Worried Apocalypse May Not Live Up To Expectations

8/8/2012 - Pet Eating Like Country Isn't In Goddamn Recession

8/7/2012 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of August 7, 2012

8/7/2012 - LeBron James Admits Current USA Basketball Team Couldn't Beat 2012 Miami Heat

8/7/2012 - Buster Olney Encourages His Children to Submit Any Questions They Might Have About Homework, Sex, or Trade Rumors to @Buster_ESPN

8/7/2012 - Wikipedia Offline After Cables Cut

8/7/2012 - Foundation Honored For Work With Developmentally Disabled Celebrities

8/7/2012 - 'Just Illegalize Us Already,' Nation's Assault Weapons Beg

8/7/2012 - Summer

8/7/2012 - Clint Eastwood Endorses Romney

8/7/2012 - I'm Proud Of All My Songs, Even The Ones I Stole From People I Heard At Open-Mic Nights

8/7/2012 - Knife Fight Rope-A-Dope Strategy Immediately Regretted

8/7/2012 - Sears Extremists Fly Plane Into Willis Tower

8/7/2012 - GOP Trying To Keep Elderly Voting Base Alive Until November

8/6/2012 - 2012 World Series Of Darts

8/6/2012 - Report: All The Running Now

8/6/2012 - Michele Bachmann Thankful No Americans Died In Sikh Shooting

8/6/2012 - Mars Rover Lands Safely

8/6/2012 - NASA Now Almost Positive Mars Is Rocky

8/6/2012 - Nation's Sane People To Nation's Insane People: 'Please Stop Shooting Us'

8/6/2012 - Mood In Gotham City Rogues Training Camp Upbeat

8/6/2012 - Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

8/6/2012 - The Week In Pictures

8/6/2012 - 'Vertigo' Named Top Movie Of All Time

8/6/2012 - Romney Stuck In Endless Loop Of Uncomfortable Chuckling

8/6/2012 - Parent Company Hasn't Talked To Sister Corporation In Years

8/5/2012 - Struggling Marlins Begin Construction On New Stadium

8/5/2012 - Spelling Bees

8/4/2012 - Phelps Drowns

8/4/2012 - Breathtaking Easter Island

8/4/2012 - Nation Still Reeling From Mega-Success Of 'Mr. Popper's Penguins'

8/4/2012 - Judo!

8/4/2012 - Andrew Luck Cut From Colts After Overthrowing Wide-Open Receiver

8/3/2012 - The World's Leakiest Faucets

8/3/2012 - Man Doesn’t Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

8/3/2012 - Sears Extremists Fly Plane Into Willis Tower

8/3/2012 - Olympic Surprises

8/3/2012 - Unemployment Rate Up

8/3/2012 - Andrei Kirilenko

8/3/2012 - Macaulay Culkin At 50: The Lion In Winter

8/3/2012 - Area Man Still Searching For Hookup Subculture On LinkedIn

8/3/2012 - On North Korean Man Lifting 3 Times His Own Body Weight

8/3/2012 - Area Family Awakes To Find Michelle Obama Tending Backyard Garden

8/3/2012 - Hungary's Szilagyi Pulls Off Upset In—Christ, One More Week Of This?

8/3/2012 - Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

8/3/2012 - Hotmail Rebranded Outlook.com

8/3/2012 - Fed: 'If Jobs Are Meant To Be With Us, They'll Come Back On Their Own'

8/3/2012 - Scientists Say Venom Taken From Politicians Could Provide Medical Benefits

8/3/2012 - Single Fat Kid Takes 50 Years Off Jungle Gym's Life

8/2/2012 - Peyton On Beginning Of Manning Era In Denver: ‘I Will Break My Neck’

8/2/2012 - Michael Phelps On Setting Record For Most Olympic Medals: 'Shiny'

8/2/2012 - Bob Costas About 2 Seconds Away From Comparing Badminton Scandal To 1919 Black Sox

8/2/2012 - FDA Okays Ingestible Sensor

8/2/2012 - Badminton World Rocked By Worst Scandal Since Dad Tapped Aunt Carla's Ass With Racket

8/2/2012 - Coach K Hires Coxswain To Keep USA Basketball Team Motivated And In Rhythm

8/2/2012 - Jonah Lehrer Working On Book About Neuroscience Behind Why We Falsify Quotes

8/2/2012 - What Are We Praying For?

8/2/2012 - Michael Phelps Asks Bob Costas If He Wins Or Loses Tonight

8/2/2012 - Human Culture Much Older Than Thought

8/2/2012 - Argument Between Employees Shatters Illusion Of Professionalism Traditionally Associated With Walgreens

8/2/2012 - Long-Time Recreational Eater Turns Pro

8/1/2012 - Dateline

8/1/2012 - Iced Tea Festival

8/1/2012 - Ebola Reaches Ugandan Capital

8/1/2012 - Last Person To Voluntarily Write Essay Dies

8/1/2012 - Nation's Lower Class At Least Grateful It Not Part Of Nation's Middle Class

8/1/2012 - Democrats To Call For Same-Sex Marriage

8/1/2012 - 300 Million Without Electricity In India After Restoration Of Power Grid

8/1/2012 - New Hubble Peephole Can See Into Women's Showers