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2012 November
11/30/2012 - 8 Hot Makeup Tips To Help You Pass A Cadaver Off As Alive
11/30/2012 - U.N. Votes To Recognize Palestine
11/30/2012 - Romney Locks Self In Oval Office During White House Visit
11/30/2012 - Geese All Flying To Andy García's House For Winter
11/30/2012 - U.N. Agency Says 2012 Celebrities Hottest On Record
11/30/2012 - Fencing
11/30/2012 - NFL Researchers Discover New Playoff Scenario In Which Steelers, Bengals Share AFC’s 6th Seed
11/30/2012 - Colossal Supermassive Black Hole Discovered
11/29/2012 - Saints vs. Falcons
11/29/2012 - 'Boy Meets World' Spin-Off A Dream Come True For Fans Who Grew Up In, Still Live In '90s
11/29/2012 - Congolese Rebel Can't Bring Himself To Care About Congolese War
11/29/2012 - New Nolan Ryan Cookbook Features Over 200 Recipes For Baseballs
11/29/2012 - What Are We Putting In The Hotel Room Safe?
11/29/2012 - Powerball Winners Already Divorced, Bankrupt
11/29/2012 - Remaking The Republican Party
11/29/2012 - Romney Has Lunch At White House
11/29/2012 - Nobody At Capital One Can Remember Why It Put Vikings In Its Ads
11/29/2012 - Colin Kaepernick Admits He Learned Nothing From Watching Alex Smith Play Quarterback
11/29/2012 - Half-Dressed Man Frantically Scrambles Out Of Home After Hearing Toyotathon Deals Won't Last Long
11/29/2012 - Fuck It, Man On Death Row Just Going To Read Entire Harry Potter Series
11/29/2012 - 'I Am A Brand,' Pathetic Man Says
11/29/2012 - Consumer Confidence Highest Since 2008
11/29/2012 - Minnie Caren
11/28/2012 - UPDATE: Powerball Execs Find Missing Powerballs
11/28/2012 - Powerball Super Fans Camping Out Before The Big Drawing Dressed Up As Their Favorite Numbers
11/28/2012 - Powerball Officials Admit They Lost All The Balls
11/28/2012 - Lax PetSmart Background Check Allows Deranged Gerbil To Slip Through The Cracks
11/28/2012 - Congressman Torn Between Meaningless Pledge To Anti-Tax Zealot, Well-Being Of Nation
11/28/2012 - Dept. Of Interior Releases New Stick
11/28/2012 - 'Boy Meets World' Spin Off To Focus On Difficulties Of Raising Autistic Child
11/28/2012 - Dept. Of Interior Releases New Stick
11/28/2012 - Powerball Jackpot Reaches $550 Million
11/28/2012 - Game Changer
11/28/2012 - Please Click On Our Website's Banner Ads
11/28/2012 - Latvian Diplomat Tells Amusing Human Development Index Anecdote On 'U.N. Tonight! With Ban Ki-Moon'
11/28/2012 - GOP Lawmakers May Break Anti-Tax Pledge
11/28/2012 - Marilyn Jacobs
11/27/2012 - Disturbance Of Arafat's Grave Casts Horrible Curse On Middle East
11/27/2012 - BREAKING: No Way Egypt Coming Out Of This With A Functional Democracy
11/27/2012 - High School For Performing Arts Student Dealing With Really Weird Social Pressures
11/27/2012 - VIDEO: High School For The Performing Arts Student Goes In Depth About Really Weird Peer Pressure
11/27/2012 - Matt Schaub Releases Exhaustive List Of Who Deserves To Be On Texans' Roster
11/27/2012 - Palestinian Leader Arafat Exhumed
11/27/2012 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 27, 2012
11/27/2012 - Recession-Proof Jobs Include Any In Which You Witness Your Boss Kill Someone
11/27/2012 - That's Fine, Area Girlfriend To See 'Anna Karenina' When Visiting Mom Over Christmas
11/27/2012 - Gene Chizik Fired Just Two Years Before Auburn's National Title Stripped Away
11/27/2012 - Filthy Mitt Romney Delivers Campaign Speech To Audience Of Confused Shoppers In Ohio Safeway
11/27/2012 - Abortions In U.S. Fall To Decade Low
11/26/2012 - New Season Of 'Downton Abbey' Jumps Forward To Year 2121
11/26/2012 - 42 Million Dead In Bloodiest Black Friday Weekend On Record
11/26/2012 - Detectives Overlooked Casey Anthony's 'I Killed My Daughter' AMA On Reddit
11/26/2012 - Thanksgiving Weekend Draws Record Number Of Shoppers
11/26/2012 - Reporter Investigates Claims He Ruined His Family's Thanksgiving Dinner
11/26/2012 - Dad Holds Best Buy Salesman's Feet To Fire With Question About HDTV Compatibility
11/26/2012 - Brandon Roy Finally Invests In Home Arthroscopic Surgery Kit
11/26/2012 - Baby Knocked Out With Cough Syrup Praised For Being Such A Good Little Traveler
11/26/2012 - Hell-iday Travel
11/26/2012 - The Week In Pictures
11/26/2012 - UN: HIV Infections Down Sharply
11/26/2012 - Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of November 26, 2012
11/25/2012 - Garrison Keillor Fully Deflates After Massive Sigh
11/25/2012 - Regal Cinemas Suddenly Realizes It’s Been Playing 'Love And Other Drugs' For Two Years
11/25/2012 - Just A Gray TV Screen
11/24/2012 - Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
11/23/2012 - Enter to win the chance to customize the name & location in an Onion article
11/23/2012 - Cash Cab
11/22/2012 - Businesses Fined Most Heavily By The EPA
11/22/2012 - Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving
11/22/2012 - Dez Bryant Smacks Son During Thanksgiving Game Promo
11/22/2012 - Not A Shithole
11/22/2012 - BREAKING: Cousin Mark Coming After All
11/21/2012 - Grandson Has Long Hair
11/21/2012 - Calm Sense Of Impending Violence Returns To Middle East As Ceasefire Brokered
11/21/2012 - Turkey Pardon Mishap Results In Accidental Release Of Serial Rapist
11/21/2012 - Andrew Bynum Admits Pain In Knees Small Price To Pay For Philadelphia Fans' Misery
11/21/2012 - Elmo Puppeteer Resigns Amid Sex Scandal
11/21/2012 - 6-Year-Old Shits Out Half-Assed Hand Turkey
11/21/2012 - The Onion's Guide To Hosting A Perfect Thanksgiving
11/21/2012 - Apes Suffer Midlife Crises
11/21/2012 - Patriots vs. Jets
11/21/2012 - Cowboys vs. Redskins
11/21/2012 - Animal Cops: Houston
11/21/2012 - 3BR/2.5BA/1KT/68EO/16WN/4CF/12D/1MS(s) Paradise!
11/20/2012 - Andy Reid Cuts Several Players From Mustache
11/20/2012 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of Nov. 20, 2012
11/20/2012 - Study: Everyone, Everything Linked To Paranoia
11/20/2012 - Nation's Uncles Enter Last Stage Of Prep For Thursday's Thanksgiving Debates
11/20/2012 - Raccoon Leaders Call For Loosening Of Garbage-Can Lids
11/20/2012 - Greenhouse Gas Levels Reach All-Time High
11/20/2012 - Struggling American Airlines To Shutter Air Passenger Service To Focus On 'American Way' Magazine
11/20/2012 - Secretary Of Education Forced To Take Up Stripping To Put Nation Through School
11/20/2012 - Jessica Simpson Reveals Slimmer Figure After Chopping Off Limbs
11/20/2012 - Jessica Simpson Reveals Slimmer Figure After Chopping Off Limbs
11/20/2012 - Fighting Continues Over World's Holiest Bombing Sites
11/20/2012 - U.S. Headed For Fiscal Cliff
11/19/2012 - Rob Gronkowski Breaks Bone In Spiking Arm
11/19/2012 - Only College Student Staying On Campus Planning Saddest Thanksgiving Meal Of All Time
11/19/2012 - 8-Year-Old Palestinian Boy Pleasantly Surprised He Hasn't Been Killed Yet
11/19/2012 - Area Father Beginning To Suspect 3-Year-Old A Real Ding-Dong
11/19/2012 - Anonymous Declares Cyberwar On Israel
11/19/2012 - Area Woman Finally Uploads All 12 Million Pictures Of Her Vacation To Europe On Facebook
11/19/2012 - Romney Spends $600 Million On Top-Tier 'Soul Searching' Team
11/19/2012 - Environmental Ad Campaign Encourages Turning Shower Off After Showering
11/19/2012 - The Week In Pictures
11/19/2012 - Blown Opportunity
11/19/2012 - Brazilian Scientists To Clone Endangered Species
11/19/2012 - Caffeinated Cracker Jacks To Debut
11/19/2012 - That’s Too Degrading!
11/18/2012 - Area Man Never In Mood To Do Things He Hasn't Done Before
11/18/2012 - Steelers v. Ravens
11/18/2012 - University Of Oregon Debut Controversial Fly-Ridden Duck Flesh Uniforms
11/18/2012 - Sunday, November 18
11/17/2012 - Cool New Lakers Coach Doesn't Make Team Play Defense
11/17/2012 - 5-Year-Old Says 'Sesame Street' Has Sucked Since 2010
11/17/2012 - Man Stays Up Most Of Night Rocking Cat Back To Sleep
11/16/2012 - Robert Pattinson Looking Forward To Taking On More Serious Vampire Roles After Conclusion Of 'Twilight' Films
11/16/2012 - Hot Puerto Rican Scientist Sweeps Latin Nobel Prize Awards
11/16/2012 - Laid-Off Hostess Employee Forced To Look For Creme-Injecting Job Elsewhere
11/16/2012 - Israel Calls For Increase In U.S. Taxes To Fund Attacks On Gaza
11/16/2012 - Musicians Named Bob Dylan From The 1960s To Today
11/16/2012 - Obama: 'I Will Allow 10 States To Secede, But No More'
11/16/2012 - Hostess Brands Going Out Of Business
11/16/2012 - Bears Trainers Worried Concussed Jay Cutler May Never Sulk Again
11/16/2012 - Lifelong Boise Resident Realizes He's Never Been To Morrison Knudsen Nature Center
11/16/2012 - T.G.I. Friday's Unveils New Jeff Daniels Barbecue Sauce
11/16/2012 - New Balloons In This Year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
11/16/2012 - Pistons Lose To Elementary School Girls Team After Big Night From 4'9" Center
11/16/2012 - Secession Petitions Filed In All 50 States
11/15/2012 - Obama: 'Second Term Will Be Like Breaking Bad Times Homeland Plus The Sopranos'
11/15/2012 - Doctors Refuse To Clear Concussed Michael Vick After He Claims Eagles Can Still Make Playoffs
11/15/2012 - Mike D'Antoni Starts 'Phil' Chant During Introductory Press Conference
11/15/2012 - New Al-Qaeda Recruit Sick Of Hearing Senior Terrorists Brag About 9/11 Attacks
11/15/2012 - BP CEO: 'We Deeply Regret The Tragic Loss Of $4.5 Billion'
11/15/2012 - Paula Broadwell Crashing On Petraeus Family’s Couch Until Sex Scandal Blows Over
11/15/2012 - New Al-Qaeda Recruit Sick Of Hearing Senior Terrorists Brag About 9/11 Attacks
11/15/2012 - Palestinian Family Trapped Under Rubble Thrilled To Hear 'Gaza' Trending On Twitter
11/15/2012 - Bubba Gump Shrimp Owner Comforts Depressed Guy Fieri
11/15/2012 - Busy Mom Wishes She Had Enough Spare Time To Fuck CIA Director
11/15/2012 - Israel Unleashes Assault On Gaza
11/15/2012 - Kentucky Legislature Bans Gay Pet Weddings
11/15/2012 - Scientists Develop Highly Volatile New Relationship
11/15/2012 - Eli Manning Reverts To 13-Year-Old Form After Making Wish To Be Kid Again
11/15/2012 - Scientist: Human Race Becoming Dumber
11/15/2012 - Saturday, November 17 and Sunday, November 18
11/14/2012 - Conservative Megadonors Have Spent Week Yelling At Their Money
11/14/2012 - Second-Person Narrative Enthralling You
11/14/2012 - Kim Jong-Un Named
The Onion
's Sexiest Man Alive For 2012 [UPDATE]
11/14/2012 - Poor Bastard Who Just Started Watching ‘Lost’ In For World Of Disappointment
11/14/2012 - Poor Bastard Who Just Started Watching Lost In For World Of Disappointment
11/14/2012 - Elmo Admits He's Uncomfortable Working With Gay Puppeteer
11/14/2012 - Government Internet Surveillance Rising
11/14/2012 - 53 Unnamed Players On Jets Roster Say Tebow Is Terrible
11/14/2012 - Obese Salmon Unable To Swim Upstream To Spawn
11/14/2012 - Hurricane Sandy Recovery Efforts
11/14/2012 - John Travolta, Olivia Newton-John Christmas Album Plunges Nation Into Double-Dip Recession
11/14/2012 - Pepsi Introduces High-Fiber, 'Fat-Blocking' Soda
11/14/2012 - Saturday, November 17
11/13/2012 - Widening Petraeus Scandal Reveals Human Race Has Been Having Sex For 200,000 Years
11/13/2012 - Nation Horrified To Learn About War In Afghanistan While Reading Up On Petraeus Sex Scandal
11/13/2012 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 13, 2012
11/13/2012 - John Travolta, Olivia Newton-John Christmas Album Plunges Nation Into Double-Dip Recession
11/13/2012 - New 'Call Of Duty' Released
11/13/2012 - Come On, Just Open The Door And Let Me In This Once
11/13/2012 - Lakers GM Claims Mike D'Antoni Had More Impressive Cover Letter Than Phil Jackson
11/13/2012 - Needy Nation Breaks Down After First Full Week Without Being Pandered To By Politicians
11/13/2012 - Intern Just Happens To Be Beautiful 22-Year-Old Woman
11/13/2012 - Weather Forecast Says It's Windy As A Bastard
11/13/2012 - Wal-Mart To Open On Thanksgiving Evening
11/12/2012 - Interim CIA Director Assures Nation He Engages In No Sexual Activity Whatsoever
11/12/2012 - Sources: Petraeus Knew About Affair For More Than A Year
11/12/2012 - BuzzFeed Editors Unsure How To Spin Petraeus Story Into Reason The '90s Were Great
11/12/2012 - Having Gone This Far Without Caring About Syria, Nation To Finish What It Started
11/12/2012 - Petraeus Resigns Over Affair
11/12/2012 - Karl Malone Still Making Posters Of Himself For Kids' Bedrooms
11/12/2012 - Gettysburg Distress
11/12/2012 - The Week In Pictures
11/12/2012 - McDonald's Sales Down For First Time In 9 Years
11/11/2012 - 5-Year-Old Feels Like She Just Wasted Whole Carousel Ride Waving To Dad
11/11/2012 - Texans vs. Bears
11/11/2012 - Bowling Green State Just Going To Claim Christopher Lloyd As Alumnus Until Someone Calls Them Out
11/11/2012 - I Didn’t Know You Were Pregnant!
11/10/2012 - Anorexic Woman At Gym Looking Good
11/10/2012 - Humane Society Volunteer Spends Whole Adoption Meeting Trying To Sell Family On Sicker Cat
11/10/2012 - Gallant Amazon User Heroically Defends 'Fringe' Season 2 Box Set From Negative Reviewers
11/9/2012 - President-Elect Edwards Seen Entering Chinatown Massage Parlor
11/9/2012 - On The Lakers Firing Coach Mike Brown After Five Games
11/9/2012 - The 25 Most Popular Public Restroom Sing-A-Long Songs
11/9/2012 - Nation Elects Four Years Of Political Gridlock
11/9/2012 - Extensive FAQ Page Dispels Any Lingering Confusion About Boston Duck Tour
11/9/2012 - Arizona Shooter Sentenced To Life
11/9/2012 - 8th-Grade Health Class Squirms Throughout Entire Screening Of 'Miracle Of Abortion'
11/9/2012 - Hurricane Sandy Victims Receive Roethlisberger’s Sexually Disturbing Thoughts And Prayers
11/9/2012 - Who Did We Catch Our Cold From?
11/9/2012 - Women To Be 20 Percent Of Senate
11/9/2012 - Little Wonder Tomato Steamer System
11/9/2012 - Ben Affleck Defends Decision To Set 'Argo' In Boston
11/8/2012 - Romney Spends Day Tearfully Apologizing At Father's Grave
11/8/2012 - '04-'05 NHL Lockout Enters Ninth Year
11/8/2012 - Heavily Armed Karl Rove Spotted At Top Of Electoral College Clock Tower
11/8/2012 - Chris Paul Already In Midseason Pointing Form
11/8/2012 - Nor'easter Slams Hurricane Sandy Victims
11/8/2012 - The Reelection Of Barack Obama: Four More Years Of Crushing America's Hopes And Dreams
11/8/2012 - Remembering The Campaign Of Mitt Romney: A Man The Nation Will Hopefully Never Hear From Again
11/8/2012 - Man Googles Matt Damon's Address Because, Well, He's Crazy And Wants To Murder Him
11/8/2012 - Disney Announces 'Star Wars 7'
11/8/2012 - U.S. Suicide Rate Up Amid Economic Crisis
11/8/2012 - Judge Swap
11/8/2012 - 12 Miles Of Oranges!
11/8/2012 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 8, 2012
11/7/2012 - CNN's John King Now Just Swiping Hands Across Everything
11/7/2012 - Obama A Little Creeped Out By How Much Everyone In Kenya Celebrating Reelection Victory
11/7/2012 - Todd Akin Spends Whole Night Wondering What Went Wrong
11/7/2012 - Nation's Women Wake Up Relieved To Find Selves Still In 2012
11/7/2012 - Moments Leading Up To Romney's Concession Most Likely Hilarious
11/7/2012 - As Per Tradition, Election Results Officially Certified With Two Barks Of Approval From Electoral Collie
11/7/2012 - Today's Historic Front Page: Nov. 7, 2012
11/7/2012 - Colorado, Washington Legalize Marijuana
11/7/2012 - Lives Of Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, Eric Cantor Retain Meaning
11/7/2012 - Obama, Romney Remain About Equally Powerful
11/7/2012 - Sex Scandal Sinks Klemke Reelection Bid
11/7/2012 - Romney Enchants Nation With Lovely Concession Song
11/7/2012 - Ron Paul Elected Ruler Of Planet Inhabited By 1 Billion Tiny Ron Pauls
11/7/2012 - Romney Camp Retooling Campaign After Latest Setback
11/7/2012 - Obama Reelected President
11/7/2012 - After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere Of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner For 2016
11/7/2012 - Millions Without Power Following Election
11/7/2012 - Turkey For Assholes
11/7/2012 - 'I Want To Congratulate The President,' Romney Says In 240,000th And Final Lie Of Campaign
11/6/2012 - Defeated Man Victorious
11/6/2012 - Wolf Blitzer Debuts New Real-Time Election Results Beard
11/6/2012 - Obama Announces We Are Invading Iran Right Now
11/6/2012 - Romney Wins, Obama Reelected, Supernova Destroys Earth All Possibilities In A Random Universe
11/6/2012 - Polling Booth Completely Disgusting By Time Last Voters Get There
11/6/2012 - Which Presidential Candidate Are We Voting For?
11/6/2012 - How Are We Voting On Proposition 4?
11/6/2012 - Ohio May Need Recount
11/6/2012 - What Issue Matters Most To Us In This Election?
11/6/2012 - Majestic Sounds Of 'Goddamn Long Line' Ring Across America
11/6/2012 - Where Is Our Polling Location?
11/6/2012 - Only Name Area Man Recognizes On Ballot 'Jill Stein'
11/6/2012 - Poll Workers Overhear Biden Repeating Phrase 'Banged Her' While Reading Names On Ballot
11/6/2012 - 'The Onion' Calls Florida, Ohio, Colorado, Pennsylvania For John Edwards
11/6/2012 - How To Avoid Unbearable Facebook Bullshit On Election Day
11/6/2012 - Area Man To Run Naked Through Streets Tonight No Matter Who Wins Election
11/6/2012 - Enthusiasm Of 18-Year-Old First-Time Voter Completely Unbearable
11/6/2012 - The Onion's Live Coverage Of Election Day 2012
11/6/2012 - Man Who Eats Breakfast At Dunkin' Donuts Every Morning And Enjoys The 'Saw' Films Allowed To Vote
11/6/2012 - Ashes Of Deceased Presidents Rubbed Upon Voters' Heads In Hallowed Election Day Tradition
11/6/2012 - Paul Ryan Spending Final Day Of Campaign Reminding Homeless People They Did This To Themselves
11/6/2012 - Americans Vote For President
11/5/2012 - Bored U.S. Postmaster General Creates Beard From Stamps During Meeting
11/5/2012 - Romney Volunteers Going Door-To-Door To Let Obama Supporters Know President's Dead
11/5/2012 - Romney Throws Quinceañera For Ann In Last-Minute Attempt To Get Hispanic Vote
11/5/2012 - Obama, Romney Urge Americans To Purchase 'The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge'
11/5/2012 - Nation Unsure Which Candidate's Plan To Destroy The Environment Will Create More Jobs
11/5/2012 - Serious Mitt Romney Demanding To Be Addressed As 'Mitthew' Now
11/5/2012 - Gilligan’s Highland
11/5/2012 - Florida Faces Early Voting Fiasco
11/5/2012 - How To Get Your Son To Remove His Halloween Costume
11/5/2012 - After Success Of London NFL Games, Goodell Thinking About Trying One Game A Year In Jacksonville
11/5/2012 - Little Grouse On The Prairie
11/5/2012 - The Week In Pictures
11/5/2012 - 9 Brightly Colored New Tarantula Species Found
11/5/2012 - Undecided Voter Pretty Sure He’s Some Kind Of Idiot
11/5/2012 - Competition
11/4/2012 - Natalie Blasi
11/4/2012 - Mike McCarthy Attempts Lambeau Leap After Successfully Challenging Call
11/4/2012 - Well-Meaning Friends Once Again Try To Set Up Cheryl Miller With Reggie Miller
11/4/2012 - Gluten-Free Pancake Mix Just A Bag Of Sand
11/3/2012 - Local Sports Reporter Recycles Same High School Volleyball Season Preview For 18th Year In A Row
11/2/2012 - Romney Promises Any Pennsylvanian Who Votes For Him Can Have Ann Romney For One Hour
11/2/2012 - 'New York Times' Bully Knocks Stack Of Polls From Nate Silver's Hands
11/2/2012 - New Jersey To Use Military Vehicles As Polling Places
11/2/2012 - Editors Of 'Good Car' Magazine: 'The 2013 Hyundai Sonata Is A Good Car'
11/2/2012 - Bored U.S. Postmaster General Creates Beard Of Stamps During Meeting
11/2/2012 - We Failed To Convince LeBron James That He's Facing The Wrong Way
11/2/2012 - Pakistani Boy, U.S. Drone Form Unlikely Friendship
11/2/2012 - Romney Slowly Turning Into $100 Bill
11/2/2012 - ESPN Sports Segment Reveals Science Behind Tony Romo's Shittiness
11/2/2012 - In Depth: Hurricane Sandy
11/2/2012 - Record High Unemployment Hits Eurozone
11/2/2012 - Atlantic City Faces Long Recovery Before It Can Start Destroying Lives Again
11/1/2012 - Yummers
11/1/2012 - Romney Pitches In To Repair Thousands Of Downed Romney-Ryan Lawn Signs
11/1/2012 - Shaq Spends Entire 'Inside The NBA' Segment Analyzing Size Of Own Hands
11/1/2012 - This May Not Be The Ideal Moment Politically, But It’s Time To Talk Reparations
11/1/2012 - Michael Vick: 'It's Great To Have The Support Of An Idiot Who Sucks At His Job'
11/1/2012 - 2012 Campaign Most Expensive In History
11/1/2012 - America's Roommates Launch 'One Vote Doesn't Matter' Campaign
11/1/2012 - Why Are We Requesting An Absentee Ballot?
11/1/2012 - Nation's Roommates Debut New TV Spot Insisting 'Elections Are Bullshit'
11/1/2012 - Tigers Players Just Telling Jim Leyland They Won The World Series
11/1/2012 - Disney Buys Lucasfilm For $4 Billion
11/1/2012 - Chloe Thorn