10/31/2012 - Sean Pickens

10/31/2012 - Paul Ryan Releases 90-Minute High-Endurance Budget-Slashing Video

10/31/2012 - Nation Suddenly Realizes This Just Going To Be A Thing That Happens From Now On

10/31/2012 - Sandy's Economic Toll Could Reach $50 Billion

10/31/2012 - Romney Rolls Sleeves All The Way Up Over His Head

10/31/2012 - Report: Only Way Nation Will Pay Attention To Climate Change Is If Julia Roberts Dies In Hurricane

10/31/2012 - Weird Couple Has Greatest Sex Of Their Lives After Announcement Of Disney-LucasFilm Merger

10/31/2012 - The Word 'Spooktacular' Used To Mean Something In This Country

10/31/2012 - Nation's Lower Class Still Waiting For First Mention By Either Presidential Candidate

10/31/2012 - Guy Eating Pistachios And Watching 'Sniper' Doesn't Seem To Be Part Of Haunted House

10/31/2012 - The Onion's Issue-By-Issue Candidate Guide

10/31/2012 - Lone House With No Halloween Decorations By Far Spookiest In Neighborhood

10/31/2012 - Candidates' Last-Minute Appeals To Voters

10/31/2012 - Increased Negative Campaigning Reveals Previously Hidden Ugly Side Of Politics

10/31/2012 - Paul McCartney: Yoko Ono Didn't Break Up Beatles

10/30/2012 - Celtics vs. Heat

10/30/2012 - Mood In Car Takes Grim Turn After Dad Misses Exit

10/30/2012 - Lone Doofus Has Been Waiting 36 Hours For Next C Train

10/30/2012 - Oh, Right, World Series

10/30/2012 - Superstorm Sandy Kills 38

10/30/2012 - Mom Just Called To Make Sure You're Not Under That Dangling Crane

10/30/2012 - New High Tech Voting Machine Lets Voters Mutilate Candidate They Oppose

10/30/2012 - New Jersey Residents Avoid Rising Floodwater By Climbing To Top Of Chris Christie

10/30/2012 - PREVIEW: Take An Exclusive Glimpse At The New Hyper-Violent Voting Booths

10/30/2012 - Election FAQ

10/30/2012 - Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of October 30, 2012

10/30/2012 - Quitting Smoking Adds Decade To Women's Lives

10/30/2012 - Your Horoscopes - Week Of October 30th, 2012

10/29/2012 - Ways To Wait Out Hurricane Sandy

10/29/2012 - Ben Roethlisberger Admits Wearing Steelers Throwback Jersey Lowest Point In His Life

10/29/2012 - Misinformed Man Riding Out Storm In Bathtub Filled With Batteries

10/29/2012 - 20 Idiots Evacuated From Times Square M&M's Store

10/29/2012 - Hurricane Gives Holed-Up Couple Great Chance To Have All Those Fights They've Been Avoiding

10/29/2012 - Nation Suddenly Remembers Simple Comforts Of Having Out-Of-Touch White Man Run Country

10/29/2012 - Hurricane Sandy Slams East Coast

10/29/2012 - Report: Majority Of Americans Now Eating One Continuous Meal A Day

10/29/2012 - Knock The Vote

10/29/2012 - The Week In Pictures

10/29/2012 - Secretary Of Transportation Spends 3 Hours Cleaning Up Wikipedia Page On Roundabouts

10/29/2012 - 'Cloud Atlas' Weak At Box Office

10/28/2012 - Major League Baseball World Series

10/28/2012 - Jim Leyland's Daughter Takes Off Work To Help Father Through World Series

10/28/2012 - Falcons vs. Eagles

10/28/2012 - Man Throws Money At Problem

10/27/2012 - Endangered Wildlife To Be Given New Identities In Species Protection Program

10/27/2012 - Dwight Howard Makes Talking Look Almost Effortless During Lakers Press Conference

10/27/2012 - Stadium Humors Old Man On Stage, Sings Along to 'Hey Jude'

10/26/2012 - Meat Loaf Endorses Romney

10/26/2012 - Which Romney Boy Are You?

10/26/2012 - Mitt Romney Terrified What Will Happen If He Ever Stops Running For President

10/26/2012 - U.S. Signs Declaration Of Dependence On China

10/26/2012 - Mitt Romney Terrified What Will Happen If He Ever Stops Running For President

10/26/2012 - Least Scary Horror Movies

10/26/2012 - I Hope The Guy Who Got Knocked Out By The American Thighs In That Song Is Okay

10/26/2012 - Baseball Hall Of Fame Getting Depraved Urge To Induct Jose Canseco

10/26/2012 - Department Of 'Homeland' Urges All Americans To Watch This Week's Episode

10/26/2012 - U.S. May Pass Saudi Arabia As Top Oil Producer

10/26/2012 - The Price Is Right

10/25/2012 - Tim Tebow Beginning To Realize NFL Potential

10/25/2012 - Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

10/25/2012 - U.S. Sues Bank Of America For $1 Billion

10/25/2012 - On David Stern Retiring As NBA Commissioner In 2014

10/25/2012 - Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation

10/25/2012 - Cactus Scientists Recommend Drinking 8 Cups Of Water Per Year

10/25/2012 - 'Please Don't Let Me Die In Here' Begs Voter In Cutting Edge Debate Booth

10/25/2012 - I Mean, If I Lose To Mitt Romney, I'll Probably Kill Myself

10/25/2012 - Billionaire Gives $100 Million To Central Park

10/24/2012 - God Distances Self From Christian Right

10/24/2012 - World Series 2012: Tigers vs. Giants

10/24/2012 - Apple's Gag Division Unveils Sleekest Fake Dog Shit To Date

10/24/2012 - 'Mother Mary Was Essentially Raped,' Mourdock Says While Digging Self Into Deeper Hole

10/24/2012 - Hot New App From The GOP Modernizes Minority Voter Suppression

10/24/2012 - WNBA Title Only Makes Indianapolis That Much More Bleak

10/24/2012 - Founding Forks

10/24/2012 - Senate Candidate: 'God Intended' Pregnancies From Rape

10/24/2012 - Fact-Checking The Debates

10/24/2012 - Trump Announces He's A Very Sad Man

10/24/2012 - Monster Energy Drink Cited In 5 Deaths

10/24/2012 - Latest Study Finds Cancer Cells Now Cruelly Mocking Researchers

10/23/2012 - The 2012 Debates: Six Hours Of Sheer Torture

10/23/2012 - On The Marlins Firing Ozzie Guillen

10/23/2012 - Red Sox Hire Man To Wear Red Sox Hat

10/23/2012 - Coworker Hastily Leaves Break Room To Avoid 'Here Comes The Boom' Spoilers

10/23/2012 - Apple Unveils iPad Mini

10/23/2012 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 23, 2012

10/23/2012 - ONN's Presidential Debate Gives Average Americans Totally Unsupervised Airtime

10/23/2012 - Entire Nation Now Undecided After 4 Debates

10/23/2012 - This Last Story Ever Written About Cycling

10/23/2012 - Live Coverage Of Last Night's Final Presidential Debate From Onion Politics

10/23/2012 - Boys Now Entering Puberty Younger

10/23/2012 - Top 10 Best-Selling Books — Week Of October 23, 2012

10/23/2012 - Kangaroo Decides He'll Get There Faster By Just Running

10/22/2012 - Obama Takes Out Romney With Mid-Debate Drone Attack

10/22/2012 - Romney Delivers Stern Warning To China, Speaking Directly Into The Camera In Fluent Mandarin

10/22/2012 - Weeping Obama Breaks Down, Admits Bin Laden Still Alive And Out There Somewhere

10/22/2012 - Romney Pledges To Replace All Foreign Policy With Jobs Right Here In America

10/22/2012 - Both Candidates Announcing Unmitigated Support For Eugenics Virtually Only Way Tonight's Debate Will Matter At All

10/22/2012 - Romney Campaign Releases New Picture Of Candidate Standing In Situation Room During Bin Laden Raid

10/22/2012 - Romney Blimp Makes Emergency Landing

10/22/2012 - How The States Got Their Shapes

10/22/2012 - Romney Foreign Policy Debate Prep In Crisis Mode After Discovering Existence Of Country Called 'Womania'

10/22/2012 - Wild Fall Break Parties Pose Risks For College Students

10/22/2012 - The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

10/22/2012 - RomneyLabs Concocts 'Doomsday Zinger' Capable Of Swinging Any Debate, However Lopsided

10/22/2012 - The Week In Pictures

10/22/2012 - Fatal Roadside Attraction

10/22/2012 - Government Offers $50,000 To Stop Robocalls

10/21/2012 - Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs

10/21/2012 - Ravens vs. Texans

10/21/2012 - Romney Stands Behind Ryan To Show Good Campaigning Stance

10/21/2012 - Backup Spatula Always Ready To Go In Case The Unthinkable Happens

10/21/2012 - Ravens Already Dreading Ray Lewis Constantly Being On Sideline For Rest Of Season

10/21/2012 - NFL Still Removing Confused Replacement Referees From Replay Booths

10/20/2012 - 'I Feel Your Pain,' Romney Tells Campaign Rally Attendees Who Make $20 Million A Year

10/20/2012 - Insufferable 8-Year-Old Won't Stop Chanting 'Romney'

10/19/2012 - Boy Scouts Release Sex-Abuse Documents

10/19/2012 - Kangaroo Decides He'll Get There Faster By Just Running

10/19/2012 - Paramedics Rush To Revive God Following Latest Suicide Attempt

10/19/2012 - Ira Glass Shows Us How To Get Those Ira Glass Abs

10/19/2012 - Heightened League Awareness Prompts B.J. Raji To Schedule Breast Exam

10/19/2012 - New Evidence Suggests Dinosaurs Died In Cretaceous Period Hospice

10/19/2012 - The Onion Endorses John Edwards For President

10/19/2012 - Paramedics Rush To Revive God Following Latest Suicide Attempt

10/19/2012 - 'Onion Book Of Known Knowledge' Contains Cure For HIV

10/19/2012 - Cancer-Stricken Chuck Pagano Annoyed Colts Couldn't Win Second Game For Him

10/19/2012 - Bloomberg Forms Super PAC

10/19/2012 - Gamecocks Fan Surprised To Hear That Team Represents a College

10/19/2012 - CDC Announces Americans Should Make Plans To Say Goodbye To Loved Ones

10/19/2012 - New Romney Ad Claims Candidate Does Not Oppose Women In Cases Of Rape, Incest

10/18/2012 - Seahawks vs. 49ers

10/18/2012 - CC Sabathia Eats 7 Runs Giving Yankees 1-0 Lead

10/18/2012 - What Are We Changing Our High School's Native American Mascot To?

10/18/2012 - Man Arrested In Federal Reserve Bomb Plot

10/18/2012 - Thriving 'Onion' Puts Another Print Edition Out Of Business

10/18/2012 - Study: Human Imagination Capable Of Magnificent Things During Masturbation

10/18/2012 - Bruce Springsteen Accidentally Plays 'Big Government's Stealin' Our Livelihood' At Obama Rally

10/18/2012 - Study: Human Imagination Capable Of Magnificent Things During Masturbation

10/18/2012 - Update: More Romney Google Searches Revealed

10/18/2012 - Romney's Terrifying Google Search History Leaked

10/18/2012 - Concussed Sidney Crosby Makes Rambling Appeal To End NHL Labor Dispute

10/18/2012 - Elena Lee and Frank Korda

10/18/2012 - Americans' Cholesterol Levels Fall

10/17/2012 - Would A Man Who Doesn't Support Women Let His Wife Pick Out Any Oven She Wants For Her Birthday?

10/17/2012 - Debate Gives ESPN Executive Awesome Idea For Show In Which White Guy, Black Guy Ignore Timers And Yell At Each Other

10/17/2012 - Earthquake Rattles New England

10/17/2012 - Maria DeLouise and Martin Scholls

10/17/2012 - Candlelight Vigilante Takes Commemorating Into Own Hands

10/17/2012 - Black Part Of Town Moves Across Town

10/17/2012 - Town Hall Attendees Still Standing Patiently Waiting For Their Questions To Be Answered

10/17/2012 - Tearful Mitt Romney Announces He Has Rare Disease Where You Can't Sit Quietly On Stool When Repeatedly Asked To

10/17/2012 - Spielberg Panics, Adds Comical Groin Injuries To 'Lincoln'

10/17/2012 - Supreme Court Begins Landmark Session

10/17/2012 - Scotland May Secede From U.K. In 2014

10/17/2012 - Live Coverage Of Last Night's Debate From Onion Politics

10/16/2012 - Millions Head To Internet To Figure Out Their Own Opinions About Debate

10/16/2012 - Debate Cut Short As Lantern Fire Burns Down Ol' Town Hall

10/16/2012 - Romney To Town Hall Audience: 'I Own Horses And Care For Them, And You Are All Like Horses'

10/16/2012 - Nation's Ever So Malleable Simpletons Fluttering Between Candidates Like Shuttlecocks Through Every Moment Of Debate

10/16/2012 - Romney Tells Heartbreaking Lie About Single Mother Of 4 He Never Met

10/16/2012 - Everyone In Town Hall Debate Audience Has Spouse Who Lost Health Insurance And Is Dying Of Cancer

10/16/2012 - First Question From Debate Audience Somehow Comes From Paul Ryan

10/16/2012 - Nation Tunes In To See Which Sociopath More Likable This Time

10/16/2012 - Savvy Man Registers 'Sleepy Romney' Twitter Account Just In Case Candidate Looks Tired

10/16/2012 - Ross Perot Endorses Romney

10/16/2012 - Okay, Let's Cut To The Chase—Which People Do I Know Who You Also Know Who Went To Your School?

10/16/2012 - Whales Beach Selves In Attempt To Purchase 'The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge'

10/16/2012 - On The Ravens Losing Ray Lewis And Lardarius Webb To Injury

10/16/2012 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 16, 2012

10/16/2012 - Area Man On Personal Mission To Explain Why Universally Enjoyed Things Are Bad

10/16/2012 - America Ends Love Affair With McKayla Maroney After Finding Out She’s 16

10/16/2012 - Robotic Suit Could Help Paraplegics Walk

10/15/2012 - MRI Reveals Derek Jeter Still Has Couple Shitty Seasons Left In Him

10/15/2012 - Obama Excited To Participate In First Debate

10/15/2012 - Polls Reveal, Essentially, Nothing

10/15/2012 - 'The Onion' Wins Nobel Prize

10/15/2012 - Arlen Specter Switches Affiliation From Alive To Dead At Last Minute

10/15/2012 - The Onion's Swing State Analysis: Florida

10/15/2012 - European Union Wins Nobel Peace Prize

10/15/2012 - Gary Bettman Surprised By Popularity Of NHL Lockout

10/15/2012 - Lyndon Johnson Pulls Ahead In Poll Of Nation's Alzheimer's Patients

10/15/2012 - The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge

10/15/2012 - Report: Jack Black's Life More Valuable Than Yours If It Ever Comes Down To It

10/15/2012 - The Week In Pictures

10/15/2012 - Planet Made Of Diamond Discovered

10/15/2012 - Fashion Senseless

10/15/2012 - Outfit Just Screams Police Officer

10/14/2012 - Giants vs. Niners

10/14/2012 - Packers vs. Texans

10/14/2012 - Blender Left On To Keep Cat Company

10/14/2012 - Taylor Harris

10/14/2012 - New 'NFL Long Snap' Channel Promises To Air Every Single Long Snap On Sundays

10/13/2012 - Secretary Of Interior Decks Smart-Ass Buffalo

10/13/2012 - Dripping Wet 7-Year-Old Gets On Hotel Elevator

10/13/2012 - Horrible Boogie Boarding Accident Leaves Man Totally Bummed Below The Neck

10/13/2012 - Ben Affleck: Some Days I Just Feel Like Sitting Around The House In My Daredevil Costume

10/13/2012 - On The Packers' Disappointing Start

10/12/2012 - Defense Secretary Warns Of Cyber Terrorism

10/12/2012 - How's The Guac?

10/12/2012 - Josh Hamilton Relieved He Made It Through Entire Season Without Killing A Fan

10/12/2012 - Outfit Just Screams 'Police Officer'

10/12/2012 - Toyota Issues Its Largest-Ever Recall

10/12/2012 - On Michael Vick Admitting He Owns A Dog

10/12/2012 - King Hippo's New Boxing Gym Allows 8-Bit Teenagers To Get Off Pixelated Streets

10/12/2012 - Paul Ryan Smiles, Thumbs Up Way Through Question About Specificity Of Tax Plan

10/11/2012 - Biden Shares 20-Minute Post-Debate Kiss With Janna Ryan

10/11/2012 - Eloquent Biden Brings Entire Audience To Tears In Debate Stunner

10/11/2012 - Ryan Chugs Down Rhino Horn And Bull Semen Shake For Mid-Debate Boost

10/11/2012 - Biden Unleashes Torrent Of Vomit On Debate Stage

10/11/2012 - Security Removes Biden's Rowdy Buddies From Auditorium

10/11/2012 - Ryan Handed Romney's Latest Political Positions Before Walking On Stage

10/11/2012 - Biden Puts On Lucky Debate Suit

10/11/2012 - They Can Never Take Away My Memories

10/11/2012 - Supreme Court Hears Affirmative Action Case

10/11/2012 - A-Rod: 'I'm Very Happy For Raul Ibanez, And I Want Him To Die'

10/11/2012 - 'Peanuts' Movie In The Works

10/10/2012 - Naked, Tied-Up Paul Ryan Tells Staff He Can’t Prepare For Debate Unless They Slap Him Harder

10/10/2012 - Justice Ginsburg Throws Party While 120-Year-Old Parents Away For Weekend

10/10/2012 - Biden's Handlers Suggesting He Forget The Words 'Pink' And 'Stink' Altogether

10/10/2012 - Protestants Not Majority In U.S. For First Time

10/10/2012 - Billy Wilhite

10/10/2012 - Mr. Autumn Man Walking Down Street With Cup Of Coffee, Wearing Sweater Over Plaid Collared Shirt

10/10/2012 - Seed Of World War III Planted In Beijing Middle-School Gym Class

10/10/2012 - Keys To The Vice Presidential Debate

10/10/2012 - Danny DeVito, Rhea Perlman Separate

10/9/2012 - Man To Skydive From Edge Of Space

10/9/2012 - Congress Repairs To Parlor To Hear Rep. Carolyn Maloney Play The Recorder

10/9/2012 - Kevin Garnett No Longer On Roaring Terms With Ray Allen

10/9/2012 - Nation Did Not See Mark Wahlberg's Sex Change Coming

10/9/2012 - Chiefs Scold Fans For Cheering Brady Quinn

10/9/2012 - Ask An Elderly Black Woman As Depicted By A Sophomore Creative Writing Major

10/9/2012 - Romney Frantically Figuring Out How Tax Plan Could Actually Work After Realizing He Might Win Election

10/9/2012 - Back Of Library Smells Like Weed

10/9/2012 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 9, 2012

10/9/2012 - U.S. Treasury Cowboy Claims Something Done Spooked Economy

10/9/2012 - Tim Tebow Spends All Night Refreshing Jets Depth Chart On ESPN.com

10/9/2012 - 105 Meningitis Cases Tied To Tainted Drugs

10/9/2012 - Jerry Sandusky Hoping Judge Takes It Easy On Him With Sentencing

10/8/2012 - Romney: 'This Is Why They Call Me Turnaround Mitty From Comeback City'

10/8/2012 - Ben Roethlisberger Wears Pink Armband To Support Labia Awareness

10/8/2012 - Romney Proudly Explains How He's Turned Campaign Around

10/8/2012 - Turtles

10/8/2012 - Hugo Chávez Wins Third Term

10/8/2012 - John Madden Finally Just Eats RV

10/8/2012 - The Onion's Swing State Analysis: Ohio

10/8/2012 - Fire Chief Grants Fireman 3-Day Extension On Difficult Fire

10/8/2012 - Kindly 'Con'-noisseur

10/8/2012 - Hire Of Local Moron Gives Nation Hope For Employment

10/8/2012 - Ann Romney To Guest Host 'Good Morning America'

10/8/2012 - The Week In Pictures

10/8/2012 - No Way Old Man In Park Not Thinking About Dead Wife

10/7/2012 - Man Who Cried Himself To Sleep Last Night Has Some Great Ideas For Growing Company's Brand

10/7/2012 - Broncos vs. Patriots

10/7/2012 - Matt Ryan Votes 'No' In Online Poll Asking If He’s Elite Quarterback

10/6/2012 - New Study Finds Majority Of Bullshit Calls Go To Other Team

10/6/2012 - Turkish Actor Thinks He's Cüneyt Fucking Arkin

10/6/2012 - Lot Of Bold Talk About Making Broth Going Around Apartment

10/5/2012 - Jim Lehrer Forced To Report On His Own Botched Debate Moderator Performance On Tonight's 'NewsHour'

10/5/2012 - What Would Really Hit The Spot Right Now?

10/5/2012 - Area Man Going To Sit Quietly In Darkened Bedroom Until Roommate’s Party Ends

10/5/2012 - 5 Easy Ways To Avoid Abducting Children

10/5/2012 - Record Number Of Gay Characters On TV

10/5/2012 - Michael Dukakis Wakes Up Not Angry For First Time Since 1988 Election

10/5/2012 - Alabama State Constitution Changed to Just Read 'Roll Tide'

10/5/2012 - No Way Old Man In Park Not Thinking About Dead Wife

10/5/2012 - On Cowboys.com Being A Gay Dating Site

10/5/2012 - Box Of Old Playboys Found, Good Ones Too

10/5/2012 - Vast Field Of Marijuana Found In Chicago

10/5/2012 - Weird Child Pretends To Be Utility Infielder Mark DeRosa While Playing Baseball With Friends

10/5/2012 - David Blaine Stunt To Push Public's Endurance To Limit

10/4/2012 - Cardinals vs. Rams

10/4/2012 - Reince Priebus Forced Back Into Ancient Puzzle Box After Being Tricked Into Saying Name Backwards

10/4/2012 - Facebook Reaches 1 Billion Users

10/4/2012 - Romney Dominated Debate, Say Pundits Trying To Figure Out GOP Candidate's Policies

10/4/2012 - Nation's Debate Viewers Disgusted With Selves After Connecting With Mitt Romney

10/4/2012 - Guy On Intense Cell Phone Call Walking Up And Down Block For Past 45 Minutes

10/4/2012 - Guy On Intense Cell Phone Call Walking Up And Down Block For Past 45 Minutes

10/4/2012 - Sasha Obama Asks Father Why He Was Acting Like Such A Pussy During Debate

10/4/2012 - Sensitive Scientists Report 5 In 5 Women Don't Know How Beautiful They Are

10/4/2012 - 2,400 Millionaires Collected Jobless Benefits In 2009

10/4/2012 - On Miguel Cabrera Winning Baseball's Triple Crown

10/4/2012 - No Bedrooms

10/3/2012 - Mitt Romney Jots Down Ideas For Concession Speech While Obama Talks

10/3/2012 - Panicking Romney Attempts To Lay Off Debate Moderator

10/3/2012 - Mitt Romney Adopts New ‘Ronnie Ferocious’ Persona For Debates

10/3/2012 - Millions Of Excited Americans Gather To Watch Candidates Deliver Series Of Short, Elaborately Rehearsed Speeches

10/3/2012 - Biden Implores Obama To 'Rub One Out' Before Debate

10/3/2012 - The Anemic Economic Recovery Is Due To The Failed Policies Of My Opponent vs. C'mon Man, The Debate's In A Couple Hours, We Can Do This Then

10/3/2012 - Smug Replacement Refs Point Out Not A Single 'Intentional Midfield Zone Hands' Called All Weekend

10/3/2012 - Nation Demands More Pre-Debate News Stories About Body Language

10/3/2012 - Obama Hoping Jim Lehrer Doesn't Bring Up U.S. Economy

10/3/2012 - Really Not A Great House

10/3/2012 - Teen Drinking And Driving Down Sharply

10/3/2012 - Pujols Switches To Shiny Red Bat As Mid-Career Crisis Sets In

10/3/2012 - Campaign Adviser Recommends Throwing Old Blanket Over Romney For Debates

10/3/2012 - Report: Just So You Know, Your Younger Sister Probably Getting Laid Pretty Regularly These Days

10/3/2012 - Quiznos Sandwich Maker Worked Way Up From Mail Room

10/3/2012 - 50 Years Of Beatlemania

10/3/2012 - Seth MacFarlane To Host Oscars

10/2/2012 - Hope In Students' Eyes Too Much For Screenwriting Teacher To Handle This Week

10/2/2012 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 2, 2012

10/2/2012 - $2 Million In Gold, Gems Stolen From Museum

10/2/2012 - Embarrassed Catcher Not Sure What He Came To Mound For

10/2/2012 - I Want To Know What True Lunch Is

10/2/2012 - The Onion Voter's Guide To Mitt Romney

10/2/2012 - On Geno Smith's 656-Yard, 8-Touchdown Game

10/2/2012 - Obama Makes Surprise Visit To Quantum-Branching Multiverse On Alternate Hyperdimensional Plane

10/2/2012 - Candidates' Debate Preparations

10/2/2012 - Hugo Chávez Endorses Obama

10/2/2012 - This Day In History: Apollo 12 Sent To Moon To Pick Up Trash Left By Apollo 11

10/1/2012 - Bears vs. Cowboys

10/1/2012 - Schwarzenegger Admits To Affair With Predator Costume

10/1/2012 - Obama Camp Vows To Win Neighborhoods Where Romney Staffers Are Too Afraid To Go

10/1/2012 - Justin Bieber Vomits On Stage

10/1/2012 - Jets Offense Finds Perfect Balance In Shutout

10/1/2012 - Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

10/1/2012 - Jim Thome Leaves Game Early With Tightness In Pants

10/1/2012 - Mitt Romney Frantically Running Around Ohio Smiling And Waving

10/1/2012 - Crunch Time

10/1/2012 - The Week In Pictures

10/1/2012 - Poor Diet May Cause Alzheimer’s

10/1/2012 - Teacher Hoping Students Can Tell He Was Once Popular