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2012 September
9/30/2012 - Vikings vs. Lions
9/30/2012 - The Science Of Sex
9/30/2012 - Chipper Jones Still Chipper Jonesing Away Out There
9/30/2012 - Tragic Accident Kills Aspiring Living Person
9/30/2012 - Mark Sanchez, Tim Tebow Warm Up By Throwing Ball In Direction Of One Another
9/29/2012 - Texting-While-Fielding Causes Record Number Of Outfield Collisions
9/28/2012 - You Do, Of Course, Realize That This Is Going To End Very, Very Badly
9/28/2012 - On The 6-foot-7, 225-Pound 8th Grade Football Player
9/28/2012 - Netanyahu Feeling Like Trip To US To Start World War III Went Pretty Well
9/28/2012 - Tommy Lee Jones Tells Jimmy Fallon He Doesn't Want To Play Any Of His Little Fucking Games
9/28/2012 - Voting Begins In Iowa
9/28/2012 - Teacher Hoping Students Can Tell He Was Once Popular
9/28/2012 - Nobody Can Quite Make Out If Lou Holtz Just Went On An Anti-Muslim Rant On ESPN
9/28/2012 - Robot Butler
9/28/2012 - In These Tough Times This Man Had The Courage To Start His Own Business, Which Then Failed
9/28/2012 - Back Judge From Packers-Seahawks Game Returns To Job As Air Traffic Controller
9/28/2012 - D.C. Residents Can Remember Exactly Who They Were Murdering When Nationals Clinched First Ever Playoff Berth
9/28/2012 - California Legalizes Self-Driving Cars
9/28/2012 - Obama Unsure How To Turn Huge Support Among Women, Latinos, Gays, African-Americans Into Electoral Victory
9/27/2012 - Saturday, September 29
9/27/2012 - Guy In Suit Handling Newspaper Like A Pro
9/27/2012 - New Chemical Element Created
9/27/2012 - What's Clogging The Drain?
9/27/2012 - Man Going To Show Up To Launch Of J.K. Rowling's New Book Dressed As Severus Snape Anyway
9/27/2012 - Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans
9/27/2012 - Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans
9/27/2012 - NFL: 'We Want To Protect The Integrity Of Our Brutal, Inhuman Game'
9/27/2012 - Insurance Company Celebrates 50 Billionth Fucking Over Of Customer
9/27/2012 - Castrated Men May Live Longer
9/27/2012 - NFL Fans Excited To Finally Bitch About Regular Referees
9/26/2012 - Thursday, September 27
9/26/2012 - My Ex-Girlfriend Must Be Getting Pretty Desperate To Keep Answering All Of My Calls
9/26/2012 - On The NFL Fining Bill Belichick $50,000 For Physical Contact With Referee
9/26/2012 - Florida To Experiment With New 600-Lever Voting Machines
9/26/2012 - Madonna Endorses 'Black Muslim' Obama
9/26/2012 - Florida To Experiment With New 600-Lever Voting Machines
9/26/2012 - Glowing Ahmadinejad: 'I Am The Nuclear Weapon We've Been Building'
9/26/2012 - Romney's Campaign Gaffes
9/26/2012 - Nation's Creepy Middle School Gym Teachers Also Come Out In Favor Of Circumcision
9/26/2012 - Pediatricians: Stop Using Trampolines
9/26/2012 - Neil Armstrong's Wife Glad To Finally Get Rid Of All The Space Hobby Crap
9/26/2012 - Reporter Steps In To Replace Woman's Missing Husband
9/25/2012 - Office Cheering On Employee Going For 32-Minute Nonstop Work Streak
9/25/2012 - George W. Bush Returns To America After Spending 4 Years In The Himalayas
9/25/2012 - Obama Tough On Iran At U.N.
9/25/2012 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 25, 2012
9/25/2012 - BREAKING: Friend Who Just Got Motorcycle Already Dead
9/25/2012 - On The Controversial Touchdown Call In Last Night's Packers, Seahawks Game
9/25/2012 - Steve Young Suffers Concussion Attempting To Explain Final Call In Packers, Seahawks Game
9/25/2012 - Life Spans Fall For Low-Educated Whites
9/25/2012 - Newly Unemployed Woman Enjoys Equal Pay For First Time In Career
9/24/2012 - Rex Ryan Announces Darrelle Revis Has Best Torn ACL In NFL
9/24/2012 - Romney Campaign Reboots For 72nd Consecutive Week
9/24/2012 - Pennsylvania Republican Doubts Vote He Just Suppressed Would Even Have Made A Difference
9/24/2012 - Gallup Poll: Rural Whites Prefer Ahmadinejad To Obama
9/24/2012 - The Bird Sniffer
9/24/2012 - Voter ID Laws May Bar 10 Million Latinos
9/24/2012 - The Onion Voter's Guide To Barack Obama
9/24/2012 - Baseball Experts: Roger Clemens Too Old For Steroids
9/24/2012 - Loose First-Grader Brings Home Different Friend Every Time
9/24/2012 - Scientists Working On Immortality Better Hurry Up Because Ian McKellen Is 73
9/24/2012 - Dispassion Of The Christ
9/24/2012 - The Week In Pictures
9/24/2012 - Man With 'Popcorn Lung' Awarded $7 Million
9/23/2012 - 48 Syrian Civilians Massacred During Claire Danes' Emmy Award Acceptance Speech
9/23/2012 - It Literally Impossible To State How Unimportant Next 3 Hours Are
9/23/2012 - Congress Concerned About Weirdo Senator’s Increasingly Violent Legislation
9/23/2012 - Area Mom Was Waiting In The Car For 20 Minutes
9/23/2012 - That Chair Over There
9/23/2012 - Romeo Crennel Puts French Fries Tag On Matt Cassel
9/23/2012 - Patriots vs. Ravens
9/23/2012 - No-Nonsense Mascot Gets Right Down To Business, Hugs Child
9/22/2012 - Dad Suggests Arriving At Airport 14 Hours Early
9/22/2012 - Fearless Man Bravely Ventures Out Into U.S. Economy
9/22/2012 - Drunk Women Find Their Run Across Busy Street Hilarious
9/22/2012 - Jubilant 7-Year-Old Fan Of Arizona Cardinals Doesn’t Even See It Coming
9/22/2012 - Area Man Hurt
9/21/2012 - On The NHL Lockout
9/21/2012 - Amish Group Guilty Of Hate Crime
9/21/2012 - Trend Stories: On The Wane?
9/21/2012 - Bobby Valentine: 'The Red Sox Suck Shit This Year And I Hate All My Players'
9/21/2012 - 'Worrisome' Levels Of Arsenic In Rice
9/21/2012 - Sports Fan Swings By ESPN Headquarters To Check Latest Scores
9/21/2012 - New, Lighter iPhone Hailed By Exhausted, Humpbacked iPhone 4 Users
9/21/2012 - Nick Jr. Suspends Production On 'The Almighty Muhammad's Porkalicious Toon Jihad'
9/21/2012 - Botanists Discover Trees Are All Slowly Trying To Strangle Each Other
9/20/2012 - Panthers vs. Giants
9/20/2012 - Anniversary Of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Repeal
9/20/2012 - Joe Flacco Silences Supporters Once And For All With Terrible Fourth-Quarter Performance
9/20/2012 - Egyptian Woman Wishes Screaming Protester Husband Would Go Bonkers For Her Once In A While
9/20/2012 - Botanists Discover Trees Are All Slowly Trying To Strangle Each Other
9/20/2012 - What Qualities Are We Looking For In Our New Roommate?
9/20/2012 - Partygoer Rolls A Couple Of Fat Burritos To Pass Around
9/20/2012 - There Will Be Smells
9/20/2012 - 'What About That Whole Birth Certificate Thing?' Romney Suggests To Staff
9/20/2012 - Obesity To Skyrocket By 2030
9/20/2012 - Romney Still In Hot Water After Reading GOP Platform Verbatim
9/19/2012 - Prince Harry Humiliates Royal Family Yet Again As Base Invaded By Afghan Insurgents
9/19/2012 - Fast Food Chains Aim For Healthier Image
9/19/2012 - French Magazine Runs Muhammad Cartoons
9/19/2012 - Everyone At Airport Delighted By Chubby Family Rapidly Waddling Toward Gate
9/19/2012 - Posthumously Recorded Bob Dylan Album Receives Rave Reviews
9/19/2012 - Andrew Luck Gets First Whatever It’s Called When You Beat The Minnesota Vikings
9/19/2012 - Romney Aide: Campaign Light On Details
9/19/2012 - Now That My Campaign Is Over, I'd Like To Talk To You All About The Church Of Latter-Day Saints
9/19/2012 - Report: It's Not Okay To Just Start Talking To People You Don’t Know
9/18/2012 - Harry Kalas Narrates Steve Sabol's Ascension To Heaven
9/18/2012 - Romney Campaign Sends In Champion Of The Poor Paul Ryan For Damage Control
9/18/2012 - The Amtower Family
9/18/2012 - MythBusters
9/18/2012 - Teen Sexting Linked To Having Sex
9/18/2012 - Romney Apologizes To Nation's 150 Million 'Starving, Filthy Beggars'
9/18/2012 - 'Okay, Gene, Let's Just Get Through This,' Marketing Executive Beginning Day Tells Self
9/18/2012 - Ask An Auctioneer Revealing He Was Molested As A Child
9/18/2012 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 18, 2012
9/18/2012 - Netanyahu: Iran 6 Months From Bomb
9/18/2012 - Scattered Deaths Of Elderly Floridians Expected Throughout The Week
9/17/2012 - Henry Freiberg
9/17/2012 - Skipping Out On Friend's Birthday Party At Last Minute Closest Woman Will Ever Come To Feeling Rush Of Heroin
9/17/2012 - Panda Born At National Zoo
9/17/2012 - Mexicans In The Melting Pot
9/17/2012 - Fun-Loving Turtle All Business When It's Feeding Time
9/17/2012 - On The NFL's Replacement Refs
9/17/2012 - Stephen A. Smith Thinking Son Is Finally Ready For The Sex Argument
9/17/2012 - Newborn Loses Faith In Humanity After Record 6 Days
9/17/2012 - Munchstrosity Created In Frito-Layboratory
9/17/2012 -
USA Today
Redesigned
9/17/2012 - The Week In Pictures
9/17/2012 - Thousands Of Americans Trapped In 'Animal Hoarders' Marathon
9/17/2012 - Area Man Can't Imagine Life Without This Woman
9/16/2012 - Ray Rice
9/16/2012 - Ndamukong Suh
9/16/2012 - Peyton Manning
9/16/2012 - Three Players To Watch In Week 2
9/16/2012 - Redskins Fans Can't Remember How To Cheer A Quarterback
9/16/2012 - Report: Calvin Johnson Probably Works Out Fairly Often
9/16/2012 - Romney Just Saying He Grew Up Poor In Memphis Now
9/15/2012 - Area Man Crawling On Ground Like Pig To Plug Macbook Power Cord Behind Desk
9/15/2012 - St. Louis Mayor Has Sad Little Plan For Turning City Into High-Tech Hub
9/15/2012 - Whole Museum Visit Spent Feeling Guilty About Moving On From Paintings
9/15/2012 - Fed Admits Up Until Now U.S. Has Just Been Coasting Off Money From 'Avatar'
9/14/2012 - The Puppies Of 9/11: Becoming Full-Grown Dogs In The Shadow Of Terror
9/14/2012 - Mark Carson
9/14/2012 - Kate Middleton Topless Photos Published
9/14/2012 - Janoris Jenkins Claims He Got Laid During Interception Return
9/14/2012 - Area Man Can't Imagine Life Without This Woman
9/14/2012 - Chicago Public Schools Celebrate Fifth Straight Day Without Any Student Violence
9/14/2012 - Explosion Seen On Jupiter
9/14/2012 - Overconfident Dolphins Already Talking About Going Perfect 0-16
9/14/2012 - Legal Loophole In Art Modell's Will Eliminates Cleveland Browns Forever
9/14/2012 - White House Officials Confirm Malia Obama Now Seven Feet, Nine Inches Tall
9/13/2012 - Frustrated Roger Goodell Trying To Find Live Stream Of Bears, Packers Game
9/13/2012 - Bears vs. Packers
9/13/2012 - No One Murdered Because Of This Image
9/13/2012 - Personal Trainer Making Area Man Put On Humiliating Little Show For Entire Gym
9/13/2012 - Older Brother Playing With Younger Brother On Swing Set Will One Day Con Him Out Of $50,000
9/13/2012 - How Are We Entertaining Ourselves On This Long Flight?
9/13/2012 - New Monkey Discovered
9/13/2012 - Romney: 'We Should Never Apologize For American Values Or Japanese Internment Camps'
9/13/2012 - Personal Trainer Making Area Man Put On Humiliating Little Show For Entire Gym
9/13/2012 - Report: Majority Of Americans Stopped Paying Attention Several Words Ago
9/13/2012 - Katie Couric Talk Show Dominates Ratings
9/13/2012 - Emergency Room Law Firm
9/13/2012 - New Roomba Blender Makes Smoothie Out Of Everything In Its Path
9/12/2012 - Anti-Islam Movie Incites Violence
9/12/2012 - iPhone 5 Features
9/12/2012 - Magazine Article About Mindy Kaling Fails To Mention She’s A Woman
9/12/2012 - Mitt Romney Reaches Out To Young Voters With Laser Tag Pizza Party
9/12/2012 - Prevent Identity Theft By Changing Identity Every Three Years
9/12/2012 - Your Honor, This Is Going To Sound Silly, But How Am I Doing So Far?
9/12/2012 - Apple Announces New iPhone With N-Word On Back Knowing Customers Will Buy It Anyway
9/12/2012 - Mayor Of Trenton Arrested
9/12/2012 - Introducing The Onion's 2012 Election Coverage
9/12/2012 - Paul Ryan Knocked Over By Pack Of Rambunctious Romney Boys
9/11/2012 - NBC Honors 9/11 Anniversary By Releasing New Matthew Perry Sitcom
9/11/2012 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 11, 2012
9/11/2012 - China's Next Leader Vanishes
9/11/2012 - Google's 9/11 Homepage Design Stirs Controversy
9/11/2012 - 20th Century Fox Green-Lights 'United 93 vs. Predator'
9/11/2012 - 9/11 Truther Convinced Government Destroyed Past 11 Years Of His Life
9/11/2012 - Man Halfway Down Giant Water Slide Remembers Today 9/11
9/11/2012 - 18-Year-Old Fighting In Afghanistan Has 9/11 Explained To Him By Older Soldier
9/11/2012 - Sea Otters Fight Climate Change
9/11/2012 - FBI Receives Credible Information About Terrorist Attack On Sept. 11, 2001
9/10/2012 - Tim Tebow's 11 Rushing Yards Lead Jets To 48-28 Rout Of Bills
9/10/2012 - What If They Had A Beard?
9/10/2012 - Blissful Ignorance Commemorated On Annual 9/10 Anniversary
9/10/2012 - Target Pulls All Sponsorship From Publicly Ignored Syrian Conflict
9/10/2012 - Chicago Teachers Go On Strike
9/10/2012 - Nationals Ensure Strasburg Doesn't Pitch By Removing Tendons From Arm
9/10/2012 - We Dumb It Down The Best We Can For Our Viewers In The Deep South
9/10/2012 - Democratic Entitlements
9/10/2012 - Hang-Gliding Putin Leads Flock Of Birds
9/10/2012 - The Week In Pictures
9/10/2012 - Number Of Users Who Actually Enjoy Facebook Down To 4
9/9/2012 - Broncos Receivers Keep Forgetting They Can Run Farther Than 5 Yards Downfield On Passing Plays
9/9/2012 - The Return Of Peyton: Trying To Solidify His Place As History's Third-Best Manning
9/9/2012 - Travel Mug Regales Other Mugs With Stories From Road
9/9/2012 - Steelers/Broncos
9/9/2012 - Area Woman Dumped On 15-Week Anniversary
9/9/2012 - New Zipcarp Service Offers Short-Term Carp Rentals
9/9/2012 - NFL On Fox
9/8/2012 - San Diego Zoo Displays First Rhino Stillborn In Captivity
9/8/2012 - Bears Offensive Coordinator Working On Innovative New Turnover
9/8/2012 - Everyone In Improv Troupe Balding
9/8/2012 - Mother Knows Perfect Picture To Publicize If Daughter Ever Abducted
9/7/2012 - 2 Hairstyles
9/7/2012 - Homeless Man Has No Idea What To Do With Visiting Parents
9/7/2012 - Coworker’s Girlfriend Not As Pretty As Expected
9/7/2012 - Report: It's Not Too Early To Be Pessimistic About Cleveland Browns
9/7/2012 - Chloë Sevign̈y Approved For Second Umlaut
9/7/2012 - Area Man Crawling On Ground Like Pig To Plug Macbook Power Cord Behind Desk
9/7/2012 - One Direction Wins Big At VMAs
9/7/2012 - Guess Whose Sister Is A Bitch?
9/7/2012 - Highlights Of The DNC
9/7/2012 - On Pistorius Criticizing Fellow Paralympian
9/7/2012 - Elephant Poaching Up Dramatically
9/7/2012 - Cubs Fans Now Too Fat To Attend Games
9/7/2012 - Apple Unveils Much-Anticipated iPhone 4SE
9/6/2012 - Obama: 'Help Us Destroy Jesus And Start A New Age Of Liberal Darkness'
9/6/2012 - Biden Says Life Better Than It Was 4 Years Ago But Nothing Can Touch Summer Of '87
9/6/2012 - Rising Star John Kerry's Stirring Speech Paves Way For 2016 Presidential Run
9/6/2012 - Who The Hell Is Calling Us From New Hampshire?
9/6/2012 - Obama's Speech Moved Indoors
9/6/2012 - NFL To Reduce Penalties By Installing Hundreds Of Security Cameras
9/6/2012 - Guantánamo Prisoners Released Into Cheering DNC Crowd
9/6/2012 - Obama's 19-Year-Old Son Makes Rare Appearance At DNC
9/6/2012 - Andy Roddick Retires At Top Of Everyone Else's Game
9/6/2012 - Supreme Court's New Agent Already Getting Them Better Cases
9/6/2012 - Organic Food No More Nutritious
9/6/2012 - Prince Charles Thinks Boys Are Finally Old Enough To Hear What Happened To Their Mother
9/5/2012 - Bill Clinton Finally Just Shows America His Penis
9/5/2012 - Area Man Looks At Fantasy Roster 3,689 Times Before Single Game Even Played
9/5/2012 - DNC Attendee Screaming 'The Earth Needs Us!' To No One In Particular
9/5/2012 - S'More Than Just S'Mores!
9/5/2012 - Unemployed Man Who Had To Move Back In With His Parents Still For Obama
9/5/2012 - Cowboys/Giants
9/5/2012 - McDonald's To Open Vegetarian Restaurants
9/5/2012 - 'Breaking Bad' Creator Thinking Maybe Next Season Should Take Dark Turn
9/5/2012 - Romney, Ryan Sneak Into DNC While Posing As Caterers
9/5/2012 - Tonight's DNC Program To Be Just 3 Hours Of Osama Bin Laden's Blown-Off Face Projected Onto Screen
9/5/2012 - Adam Levine Receives Promotion To Senior Lead Singer Of Maroon 5
9/5/2012 - Clint Eastwood To Publish New Autobiography: 'I…Where You're Alive And They—You Write A Book About You'
9/5/2012 - Scientists Able To Restore Sense Of Smell?
9/5/2012 - What Is Your Amateur Porn Telling Employers About You?
9/4/2012 - Good Evening, It's An Honor To Be Used As A Political Prop By My Husband's Campaign
9/4/2012 - DNC Keynote Speaker Definitely Not Keynote Speaker Only Because He's Latino
9/4/2012 - Joe Biden Hitchhikes To Democratic National Convention
9/4/2012 - DNC Lacking Same Delusional Magic It Had In 2008
9/4/2012 - Democratic National Convention Opens
9/4/2012 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 4, 2012
9/4/2012 - Teammates Feel Absolutely Nothing During Hug With Returning A-Rod
9/4/2012 - Retired Kurt Warner Dropping By Cardinals Training Camp Periodically To Make Sure Team Still Using Clean Language
9/4/2012 - I Wish My Parents Would Stop E-Mailing Naked Pictures Of Me To Their Friends
9/4/2012 - Joe Biden Hitchhikes To Democratic National Convention
9/4/2012 - Chief Meteorologist Mike Matthias Gives The Nightly Forecast For His Ex-Wife Sara
9/4/2012 - 5,000 Killed In Syria In August
9/4/2012 - Nation Tired Of Having To Skim Past Headlines About Apple, Samsung Lawsuit
9/3/2012 - Sun Myung Moon Funeral To Be All Weird, Sources Report
9/3/2012 - Americans Take Day Off From Looking For Work
9/3/2012 - Airplane Bird Strikes On The Rise
9/3/2012 - Report: Average American Consumes 156 Pounds Of Sugar Per Year But Would Like To Consume Much More
9/3/2012 - Chiefs Realize Brady Quinn Received 'Frog And Toad Are Friends' Instead Of Playbook
9/3/2012 - Gun vs. Knives
9/3/2012 - Sound Reasoning
9/3/2012 - The Week In Pictures
9/3/2012 - Kids Swallowing More Small Batteries
9/3/2012 - Woman Knew Ever Since Age 40 She Didn't Want Children
9/2/2012 - Michelle Lokey and Grant Bergen
9/2/2012 - Paul Ryan Cuts $120 Million In Wasteful Spending From Romney Campaign
9/1/2012 - Dickhead In Sanchez Jersey Turns Out To Be Mark Sanchez
9/1/2012 - Male Marsh Wren Chirping His Balls Off To Attract Mate
9/1/2012 - Minor-League Baseball Player Has No Idea Which Team's Farm System He's In Anymore
9/1/2012 - Child On First Day At Refugee Camp Misses Dead Parents
9/1/2012 - Romney Privately Wondering How In The Name Of Fuck He’s Going To Appeal To Asian Voters
9/1/2012 - Jovial Man Must Not Be Aware He Works At Airport Burrito Restaurant
9/1/2012 - Mitt Romney Graciously Accepts Thing He Has Paid Millions Of Dollars For