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2013 August
8/31/2013 - Nobody Knows What Third Light Switch Does
8/30/2013 - The Case For And Against Intervening In Syria
8/30/2013 - Courtroom Artist Clearly Infatuated With Bailiff
8/30/2013 - CEO Has Special Knack For Recognizing Great Ideas And Ruining Them
8/30/2013 - 50% Of Americans Oppose Intervention In Syria
8/30/2013 - The Week In Sports – Week Of August 30, 2013
8/30/2013 - Students Can’t Believe They’re Actually Sitting In Class With Denison University Starting Quarterback Luke Pavlatos
8/30/2013 - Obama Throws Up Right There During Syria Meeting
8/30/2013 - Bricks Goddamned Everywhere, Reports Psychotic Study
8/30/2013 - CEO Has Special Knack For Recognizing Great Ideas And Ruining Them
8/30/2013 - Latest U.N. Report Shows Raider Nation At Bottom Of Human Development Index Rankings
8/30/2013 - At Home With Onion Weekender Graphics Director Paul Tobin
8/30/2013 - Scientists Grow Miniature Human Brains
8/29/2013 - Word Search On Box Of Frosted Mini-Wheats Fucking Impossible
8/29/2013 - Fast Food Workers On Strike Across U.S.
8/29/2013 - Completely Unnatural Mixed-Race Couple Actually Kind Of Beautiful In A Way
8/29/2013 - Rookie Geno Smith Has Already Mastered Jets Offense
8/29/2013 - Report: Millions Of Courageous Americans Overcoming Media Pressure To Be Thin
8/29/2013 - Features Of ‘Madden 25’
8/29/2013 - Here’s The One True Way To Heaven
8/29/2013 - Psychopathic Rapist Draws Nation's Sympathy
8/29/2013 - Eternal Bliss
8/29/2013 - How Are We Decorating Our Dorm Room?
8/29/2013 - George Zimmerman Asks Florida To Pay His Legal Costs
8/28/2013 - So, What’s It Going To Be?
8/28/2013 - Report: Now Sadly The Best Time In American History To Be Black
8/28/2013 - 50th Anniversary Of ‘I Have A Dream’ Speech
8/28/2013 - Syria Conflict Intensifies As Bears Enter War
8/28/2013 - Mark Sanchez Lies Awake At Night Fantasizing About What Life Would Have Been Like If He Never Played Football
8/28/2013 - Study: 25-Foot-Tall Asian Women Remain Underrepresented In Media
8/28/2013 - Most Used Words In The ‘I Have A Dream’ Speech
8/28/2013 - Nation’s Single Men Announce Plan To Change Bedsheets By 2019
8/28/2013 - NFL’s Top 10 Linebackers
8/28/2013 - Phantom Landlord
8/28/2013 - Shirtless Man Turns Face From Side To Side In Mirror While Running Hands Down Smooth Face
8/28/2013 - McDonald’s To Add Chicken Wings To Menu
8/27/2013 - NSA Spied On United Nations
8/27/2013 - Some Stupid Thing Making The Rounds Among Your Facebook Friends Today
8/27/2013 - Entire Nation Pitches In To Save Yosemite
8/27/2013 - Experts Point To Long, Glorious History Of Successful U.S. Bombing Campaigns
8/27/2013 - Obama Weighing His Syria Option
8/27/2013 - NFL Seeks Restraining Order Against Intrusive Adam Schefter
8/27/2013 - Lamar Odom Representative Denies Basketball Player Missing
8/27/2013 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 27, 2013
8/27/2013 - Panda Born At D.C.’s National Zoo
8/26/2013 - $80,000 Wedding Beautiful
8/26/2013 - Let Me Explain Why Miley Cyrus’ VMA Performance Was Our Top Story This Morning
8/26/2013 - Person Sitting In Parked Car At 2:00 A.M. Probably Upstanding Member Of Community
8/26/2013 - Study: Americans Enjoy Watching TV, Eating
8/26/2013 - Town Nervously Welcomes Veteran Back Home
8/26/2013 - ’N Sync Reunites At VMAs
8/26/2013 - Woman Who Left Room Crying Earlier Expects To Jump Back Into Party Just Like That
8/26/2013 - Nation Feels Fucking Awful For Woman Who Sits Between Skip Bayless, Stephen A. Smith
8/26/2013 - Clorox Turdulence
8/26/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 26, 2013
8/26/2013 - One Night Standards
8/26/2013 - Men Dressed As Mormon Missionaries Rob Home
8/25/2013 - Breaking Bad
8/25/2013 - Monday, September 2
8/23/2013 - Employee Offering Suggestion At Meeting Slowly Grows Quieter And Quieter Until Eventually Squeaking ‘I Don’t Know’
8/23/2013 - The Week In Sports – Week Of August 23, 2013
8/23/2013 - $80,000 Wedding Beautiful
8/23/2013 - Our Annual Back To School Issue
8/23/2013 - Report: Last Time Anyone Actually Rose To The Occasion Was 2002
8/23/2013 - Chuck Klosterman Corners Guy At Party Wearing Dio Shirt
8/23/2013 - Ben Affleck To Play Batman
8/23/2013 - Goldman Sachs Announces They’re Blowing Up A Nursing Home And There’s Nothing Anyone Can Do About It
8/23/2013 - Nate Silver Vows To Teach Chris Berman How To Read
8/23/2013 - What Excites You Most About The Upcoming College Football Season?
8/23/2013 - Narrow Gaps In Bathroom Stall Doors To Be Widened Monday
8/23/2013 - Before One Direction: A Look Back At History
8/23/2013 - Grandma Pretty Much Unmoved By Threat Of Not Seeing Grandchildren
8/23/2013 - Biden Time
8/23/2013 - Pope Benedict Says God Told Him To Resign
8/22/2013 - Saturday, August 31
8/22/2013 - Bradley Manning Wants To Live As Woman
8/22/2013 - Study: People Far Away From You Not Actually Smaller
8/22/2013 - Gronk Want Play Football Now
8/22/2013 - Mother Surprised Son Needs So Much Ammunition For First Day Of School
8/22/2013 - New Desktop Folder Created For Sad Little Creative Project
8/22/2013 - Study: Majority Of Children Lack Strong Male Supermodels
8/22/2013 - Obama Deeply Concerned After Syrians Gassed To Death On White House Lawn
8/22/2013 - Awkward New International Student Saw His Entire Family Murdered In The Congo
8/22/2013 - Poll: 98% Of People Picture Run-Down Strip Mall Parking Lot When Word 'America' Said
8/22/2013 - MLB Organizes Support Group For Players Who Identify As Inter-League
8/22/2013 - Study: Majority Of Children Lack Strong Male Supermodels
8/22/2013 - Time Flies When You’re Feeding An Addiction To Internet Pornography Over Which You No Longer Have Any Control
8/22/2013 - How Are We Proposing?
8/22/2013 - New Evidence Confirms A-Rod Invented Steroids
8/22/2013 - Scientists Create Hydrating, ‘Hangover-Free’ Beer
8/22/2013 - Proud Father Teaches Son How To Shave Eyebrows For First Time
8/21/2013 - Friday, August 30
8/21/2013 - Man Working Up Courage To Ask Coworker To Office Dance
8/21/2013 - NSA Scans 75% Of All U.S. Internet Traffic
8/21/2013 - Study: All Of Your Memories Implanted In You 5 Minutes Ago When Universe Was Created
8/21/2013 - Economists Advise Nation’s Poor To Invent The Next Facebook
8/21/2013 - Tony Romo Notices Star On Cowboys Helmet For First Time
8/21/2013 - BREAKING: Middle East Conflict Not Solved Today
8/21/2013 - Seemingly Mentally Ill Internet Commenter Presumably Functions In Outside World
8/21/2013 - Who Wants A Belly Rub? vs. I Want A Belly Rub
8/21/2013 - Ford Develops New SUV That Runs Purely On Gasoline
8/21/2013 - The NFL’s Top 10 Wide Receivers
8/21/2013 - Study: Cost Of Raising Kid In U.S. Now $240,000
8/21/2013 - Can You Cuddle That?
8/20/2013 - Obamas Get New Dog Named Sunny
8/20/2013 - Elmore Leonard, Modern Prose Master, Noted For His Terse Prose Style And For Writing About Things Perfectly And Succinctly With A Remarkable Economy Of Words, Unfortunately And Sadly Expired This Gloomy Tuesday At The Age Of 87 Years Old
8/20/2013 - Obama Family Adopts 44-Year-Old Portuguese Water Man
8/20/2013 - PBS Pulling Out The Fucking Big Guns Tonight With ‘Andrea Bocelli: One Night In Central Park’
8/20/2013 - Washington’s Hobby Lobby Lobbies To Strengthen Hobbies
8/20/2013 - Breaking: Packers Fear Aaron Rodgers Fractured Shoulder Chip
8/20/2013 - Report: Employers Know Within First 5 Minutes Of Job Interview Whether They Will Murder Applicant
8/20/2013 - Psychiatrist Patiently Listens To Obama Complain About Every Single American
8/20/2013 - Adolescent Girl Reaching Age Where She Starts Exploring Stepfather's Body
8/20/2013 - Andy Reid Motivates Chiefs With Inspirational Speech About Great Burrito Place
8/20/2013 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 20, 2013
8/20/2013 - Bear Attacks Rise Sharply Across U.S.
8/19/2013 - Dog Unaware It Isn't Starving
8/19/2013 - Political Cartoonist Not Sure How To Convey That Large Sack In Senator’s Hand Is Full Of Money
8/19/2013 - ‘Lee Daniels’ The Butler’ Takes Box Office; ‘Jobs’ Flops
8/19/2013 - Researchers Discover Female Frogs Prefer Mate Who Knows Way Around The Cloaca
8/19/2013 - Study Finds You Irrelevant To Success Or Failure Of Bollywood Film ‘Zanjeer’
8/19/2013 - Six Flags Employee Sick Of Talking Visitors Down From Bad Acid Trips
8/19/2013 - San Andreas Fault Feels Terrible For What It’s About To Do
8/19/2013 - Oddsmakers Say Oakland Raiders A Long Shot To Finish Season
8/19/2013 - Crullers Explained
8/19/2013 - Well, Neighbors Just Got A Pit Bull
8/19/2013 - The NFL’s Top 10 Running Backs
8/19/2013 - What Does College Tuition Money Pay For?
8/19/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 19, 2013
8/19/2013 - Stove Alone
8/19/2013 - Last Disrespects
8/19/2013 - Male Millennials More Likely To Live With Parents
8/16/2013 - Area Teen Quickly Running Out Of Chances To Be First Openly Gay Anything
8/16/2013 - Government Finally Admits Existence Of Area 51
8/16/2013 - A-Rod Incredibly Humbled To Be Mentioned Alongside All-Time Greats Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco
8/16/2013 - Dog Unaware It Isn't Starving
8/16/2013 - The Onion Reviews 'Lee Daniels' The Butler'
8/16/2013 - It Says Here On Your Résumé, Mr. Zimmerman, That You Shot A Boy?
8/16/2013 - David McCullough Wondering How Much Scratch He Could Shake Out Of Frederick Douglass
8/16/2013 - Chinese Newlyweds Wondering What They’re Going To Do With All This Medicinal Bear Bile
8/16/2013 - Craft Services Gives Us A Look At The Sandwiches Behind 'Breaking Bad'
8/16/2013 - Dolphins Struggling To Get Shy Rookie To Participate In Practice
8/16/2013 - Tips For Hosting A Fantasy Football Draft
8/16/2013 - Area Man Caught Up In Meaningless Fantasy Game
8/15/2013 - Hacker Hijacks Family’s Baby Monitor, Shouts At Child
8/15/2013 - Massachusetts Evacuated To Prevent Any Contact With Tom Brady’s Knee
8/15/2013 - Scientists Finally Pronounce Human Genome
8/15/2013 - Report: There Only 17 Total Square Miles On Earth Where Gays Not Discriminated Against
8/15/2013 - Egypt Plunges Into State Of Middle East
8/15/2013 - What Are We Leaving Off Our Résumé?
8/15/2013 - Group Of Friends Engage In Passionate, Incoherent Discussion About Current Events
8/15/2013 - White House Increases Security After Man Shows Up At Oval Office Looking For Obama
8/15/2013 - Man’s Fantasy Football Team Names Over Past 5 Years Depict Slow Descent Into Madness
8/15/2013 - Wealthy, Famous Individual Described As ‘Totally Down-To-Earth’ By Thousands Of Acquaintances, All Of Whom Are Lying
8/15/2013 - Under The Porch
8/15/2013 - Mouse Study Suggests Soda Consumption May Be Fatal
8/14/2013 - First Lady To Release Rap Album About Healthy Living
8/14/2013 - Russian Man Recalls Oppressive Days Under Communism When No One Could Speak Freely Or Protest Government
8/14/2013 - Cat Seemed Perfectly Content Right Up Until Point He Bolted Out Of Room
8/14/2013 - Pornographic Website Visitor Chooses Subscription That’s Right For Him
8/14/2013 - New ESPN Program To Feature Attractive Blonde Reading Tweets For 30 Minutes
8/14/2013 - Friend Asks If There Any Openings At Job He Constantly Mocks
8/14/2013 - Father Teaches Son How To Fly Into Rage Over Completely Inconsequential Bullshit
8/14/2013 - 2014 Olympics To Be Held In 19th Century
8/14/2013 - Jay Cutler Hoping To Prove Doubters Whatever In Contract Year
8/14/2013 - Who Will Win The Super Bowl This Season?
8/14/2013 - Riotous, Chanting Iowa State Fair Crowd Gathers For Annual Deep-Frying Of Virgin
8/14/2013 - Man Taking Photo With iPad Oblivious To How Badass He Looks
8/14/2013 - Kendrick Lamar Deletes 'Rhymezone.com' From Internet History
8/14/2013 - Rent It All In Hilton Head, South Carolina!
8/14/2013 - Judge Rules Against NYC’s Stop-And-Frisk Policy
8/13/2013 - Some Kind Of Smart-Ass Wearing Kevin Kolb Jersey
8/13/2013 - ‘The Onion’ Encourages Israel And Palestine Not To Give A Single, Goddamn Inch
8/13/2013 - Area Man Perfectly Content With Role As Another Cog In The Wheel
8/13/2013 - Billionaire Calls For High-Speed Tube Transit
8/13/2013 - New Super-Fast Transport System Powered By Passengers’ Screams
8/13/2013 - Bigoted Asshole Makes The Best Barbecue
8/13/2013 - Whitey Bulger Verdict Interrupted By Ben Affleck Shouting Commands From Director’s Chair In Balcony
8/13/2013 - Colorado Boy Asks Nation Not To Find His Missing Little Brother
8/13/2013 - Report: Some Shirts Good, Other Shirts Not Good
8/13/2013 - The NFL’s Top 10 Quarterbacks
8/13/2013 - Unpaid Internship A Really Great Experience For Local Company
8/13/2013 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 13, 2013
8/13/2013 - Terrified Laptop Wakes Up Inside Case
8/13/2013 - Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of August 13, 2013
8/13/2013 - Millennials Choosing Not To Own Cars
8/12/2013 - Woman At Supermarket Imagines Entire Narrative Where Bagger Is Happy With Life
8/12/2013 - Highlights From Sunday Night’s Return Of ‘Breaking Bad’
8/12/2013 - Holder Seeks More Lenient Sentences For Drug Users
8/12/2013 - Teen Choice Awards Honor Cory Monteith With Posthumous Surfboard
8/12/2013 - Israel Builds New Settlement To Host Palestinian Peace Talks
8/12/2013 - ‘Expendables 3’ Cast Requests To Be Paid In Steroids, Meat
8/12/2013 - Report: Redskins’ Name Only Offensive If You Think About What It Means
8/12/2013 - Headline About So-Called Lobsterman Extremely Misleading
8/12/2013 - 25 Years Of Al-Qaeda
8/12/2013 - Man Made Clear-Headed Choice To Upload Series Of Online Videos Explaining How To Install Surround Sound Speakers
8/12/2013 - Gorilla Won't Stop Saying 'Gorilla' In Sign Language
8/12/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 12, 2013
8/12/2013 - A Winning Lineup
8/12/2013 - Smarter Women Less Likely To Have Kids
8/11/2013 - Carl Tresvant
8/10/2013 - Weird Black Dot Actually Part Of Bowl
8/10/2013 - No One At Baseball Game Has Any Idea What Inning It Is, What Score Is, What Teams Playing
8/9/2013 - Obama Taking 8-Day Martha’s Vineyard Vacation
8/9/2013 - BREAKING: Thriller Writer Jeffery Deaver At Top Of His Game
8/9/2013 - Mom Spends Beach Vacation Assuming All Household Duties In Closer Proximity To Ocean
8/9/2013 - Doctors Finally Clear Peyton Manning To Play Football
8/9/2013 - Aubrey Plaza: Is She This Generation's Mindy Kaling?
8/9/2013 - Insecure, Frustrated Bully With Something To Prove Considering Career In Law Enforcement
8/9/2013 - Vince Gilligan’s Brain Spoils Final Season Of ‘Breaking Bad’ For Vince Gilligan
8/9/2013 - Corpses of 'Lone Ranger' Producers Hung From Hollywood Blvd. Street Lights As Warning To Others
8/9/2013 - Scientists Create Microscopic ‘Mona Lisa’
8/8/2013 - What's Your Favorite Quality In A-Rod?
8/8/2013 - Truther Jihadist Wishes Al-Qaeda Had Committed 9/11 Attacks
8/8/2013 - HorseConnect, The Social Network For Horses, Bought For $1 Billion
8/8/2013 - Disney’s ‘Toy Tales’ Hits Theaters Friday
8/8/2013 - Motorcyclists Riding 2-Wide In Lane Right Next To You Probably Know What They’re Doing
8/8/2013 - Feud Develops Between Sly Stallone, Bruce Willis
8/8/2013 - ESPN.com Acquires ESPN.go.com
8/8/2013 - Ravens Offense Suffers Another Huge Blow As Joe Flacco Lines Up Under Center
8/8/2013 - Purchase Of Jeans Ushers Man Into Exclusive, Ultra-Cool Subculture Of Jeans-Wearing Americans
8/8/2013 - Winning Lottery Numbers So Obvious In Hindsight
8/8/2013 - New Poll Finds Majority of Americans Thought We’d Live Inside Computers By Now
8/8/2013 - Blood-Spattered Suri Cruise Drags Dog Carcass To Mother’s Doorstep
8/8/2013 - I Admit It, I Need Help Acquiring More Drugs
8/8/2013 - What's Causing Our Insomnia?
8/8/2013 - Obesity Rates Falling Among U.S. Preschoolers
8/8/2013 - Elizabeth Cho
8/8/2013 - Woefully Misguided Man Stocking Up On Gallons Of Milk For Armageddon
8/7/2013 - 45,589,321 Healthy Kale Recipes To Try This Summer
8/7/2013 - Study: Child Obesity Rates Declining, But You Wouldn’t Know It Looking At MacArthur Center Mall In Norfolk, Virginia
8/7/2013 - 2013-14 NBA Schedule Does Not Bode Well For Phoenix Suns
8/7/2013 - Shia LaBeouf Shimmies Out Of Third-Floor Window At School For Wayward Boys
8/7/2013 - George W. Bush Undergoes Heart Surgery
8/7/2013 - Obama Not Sure How To Tell Nation This, But He Ran Over Jimmy Carter With Car Last Night
8/7/2013 - Man Misses Simple Pleasure Of Going To Movie Store, Browsing For Something, Being Told It’s Out, Driving Home
8/7/2013 - Masochist Dog Enjoys Being Walked Around On Leash While Naked
8/7/2013 - Members Of Opening Band Walking Among Crowd During Intermission Like Gods Among Men
8/7/2013 - Mattel, NASA Introduce Mars Explorer Barbie
8/7/2013 - Alex Schlemmer
8/6/2013 - Repellent 9-Year-Old Crushed At Suspension Of Favorite Baseball Player A-Rod
8/6/2013 - Highlights Of The Curiosity Rover’s First Year On Mars
8/6/2013 - Amazon CEO Buys ‘Washington Post’ For $250M
8/6/2013 - Bob Woodward Gets New Job
8/6/2013 - Philadelphia Fans Excited To Have One Of Their Own Playing For Eagles
8/6/2013 - Taylor Swift Now In Long-Distance Relationship With Curiosity Rover
8/6/2013 - I’m Happy To Say, After 71 Years, I’m Finally Going On A Surfin’ Safari
8/6/2013 - Nation Stunned As Man Buys Newspaper
8/6/2013 - Dolphin Spends Amazing Vacation Swimming With Stockbroker
8/6/2013 - ‘The Onion’ Salutes Our Friend Mahmoud Ahmadinejad On A Job Well Done
8/6/2013 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of August 6, 2013
8/6/2013 - Japan Launches Talking Robot Into Space
8/6/2013 - Negligent Father Isn't Building A Castle To Protect Family From Apocalypse
8/5/2013 - Area Man Too Poor To Afford Movers, Too Old To Get Help From His Friends
8/5/2013 - Report: Only Thing A-Rod Guilty Of Is Trying To Win Ballgames
8/5/2013 - Royal Baby Spits Up On Great-Grandmother
8/5/2013 - All I Want To Do Is Play Ball, Ya Know? Take Steroids And Play Ball
8/5/2013 - Iowa State Fair Guards Told To Shoot Non–Iowa Residents On Sight
8/5/2013 - It’s Shark Week!
8/5/2013 - World's First Lab-Grown Hamburger Tasted
8/5/2013 - Man Has Never Given Single Definitive Yes To Any Invitation He's Ever Received
8/5/2013 - How The NSA Collects Your Data
8/5/2013 - Thirst For Justice
8/5/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 5, 2013
8/5/2013 - 8 Of The Hottest Celebs Without Their Flesh
8/5/2013 - Global Warming Making People More Violent
8/4/2013 - Reading Rainbow Trout
8/2/2013 - Job Growth Remains Sluggish, Or Rather, Akin To A Slug
8/2/2013 - Terrorist Plot Foiled After Concert Security Taps Woman’s Purse
8/2/2013 - Highlights From Ariel Castro’s Courtroom Statement
8/2/2013 - Texas Running Out Of Execution Drug
8/2/2013 - Sorority Raises Money At Local Stable With Bikini Horse Wash
8/2/2013 - Fans Flock To Lollapalooza To See All Of The Biggest Brands
8/2/2013 - Syria Death Toll Hits 100,000: Trouble In Paradise?
8/2/2013 - Area Man Too Poor To Afford Movers, Too Old To Get Help From His Friends
8/2/2013 - Two People Who Went To Same College Ruin Evening For Rest Of Group
8/2/2013 - Armed George Zimmerman Given Warning For Speeding
8/2/2013 - Who’s The Best At Fighting?
8/1/2013 - How Should The MLB Punish A-Rod?
8/1/2013 - Edward Snowden’s Life Just Flat-Out Fun And Exciting
8/1/2013 - Edward Snowden Granted Asylum In Russia
8/1/2013 - 7 Most Annoying Things Your Coworkers Do Every Day
8/1/2013 - Nation Just Wants To Be Safe, Happy, Rich, Comfortable, Entertained At All Times
8/1/2013 - Nation Just Wants To Be Safe, Happy, Rich, Comfortable, Entertained At All Times
8/1/2013 - Asshole Awarded For Asshole Behavior By Business Community Leaders
8/1/2013 - Grown Adult Walks Right Into Karate Studio
8/1/2013 - Woman Apparently Wants To Smell Edible
8/1/2013 - RGIII Assures Doctors He Can Barely Even Feel Knee
8/1/2013 - That Footage Of Neil Armstrong Playing Saxophone On The Moon Was Clearly Faked
8/1/2013 - What Are We Titling Our Autobiography?
8/1/2013 - Coffee Linked To Lower Suicide Risk