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2013 January
1/31/2013 - Taylor Swift Releases New Breakup Song Slamming Winner Of 'Win A Date With Taylor Swift' Contest
1/31/2013 - The Onion Freely And Happily Gives Its Employees' Passwords To China
1/31/2013 - Gabby Giffords Tells Congress To Act On Gun Control
1/31/2013 - 'Entourage' Fans Doubt Film Adaptation Can Capture Nuances Of Book
1/31/2013 - Department Of Interior Bilked Out Of $18 Million In Funding By Con Gopher
1/31/2013 - God Freaks Self Out By Lying Awake Contemplating Own Immortality
1/31/2013 - Department Of Interior Bilked Out Of $18 Million In Funding By Con Gopher
1/31/2013 - Creepy One-Word Text Message From Mom Could Mean Anything
1/31/2013 - Screwball Jim Nabors Goofs Up Again By Marrying Man
1/31/2013 - Jet Age Fixer-Upper
1/31/2013 - Health Officials Urging Americans To Do Something, Anything For 30 Minutes A Day
1/31/2013 - Man Brings Visiting Parents Into Office To Meet Coworkers Who Can't Stand Him
1/31/2013 - How Are We Dealing With Seasonal Winter Depression?
1/31/2013 - Minnesota Lynx World's Richest WNBA Team With Value Of $4
1/31/2013 - Study: Housecats Kill Billions Of Animals A Year
1/30/2013 - A-Rod: A Well-Deserved Legacy
1/30/2013 - And Nation Has To Go Through It All Again Tomorrow
1/30/2013 - North Korea Celebrates As Kim Jong-Un Becomes First Man To Walk On Moon
1/30/2013 - U.S. Economy Unexpectedly Shrank Last Quarter
1/30/2013 - AR-15 Assault Rifle Beginning To Worry It May Never Get To Kill Innocent Person
1/30/2013 - I Shouldn't Be Alive, But I Am, And Now I'm On TV
1/30/2013 - Please
1/30/2013 - Parents Finally Tell 2-Year-Old About 9/11
1/30/2013 - Bo Obama Receives Visiting Dognitaries From Furuguay
1/30/2013 - Obama Gives Up On Closing Guantánamo?
1/29/2013 - Brother, Sister Talk On Phone To Make Mom Happy
1/29/2013 - New Miss America In Danger Of Losing Crown After Officials Uncover Details From Her Sordid Future
1/29/2013 - Paranoid Syrian Man Thinks Government Out To Get Him
1/29/2013 - I'm Going To Make A Great Mom Someday
1/29/2013 - 'Pride And Prejudice' Turns 200
1/29/2013 - Apple Announces Plans For New iPad With Extra Storage Drawer
1/29/2013 - Chicago's Annual Homicide Drive Off To Most Promising Start In Decades
1/29/2013 - Ray LaHood Resigns Following Mysterious Disappearance Of Country Road
1/29/2013 - The Deck Boys
1/29/2013 - Ask A Boyfriend Who Just Might Dig Himself Out Of Trouble If He Plays This Perfectly
1/29/2013 - Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object
1/29/2013 - Iran Claims It Launched Monkey Into Space
1/28/2013 - Study Exposes Risks Of Conducting Research While Driving
1/28/2013 - Pregnant Jessica Simpson Pulls Out Fetus For Photo Op
1/28/2013 - New Twitter Video Service Rife With User Porn
1/28/2013 - 1930s Comedian Pretty Sure He's Outsmarted Murphy Bed
1/28/2013 - Nation Would Not Be Surprised At This Point If Chris Brown Allegedly Traveled Back In Time And Punched Anne Frank
1/28/2013 - When Will These Senseless Gun Debates Come To An End?
1/28/2013 - Players Rest Up For Grueling Week Of Super Bowl Hype
1/28/2013 - Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl
1/28/2013 - Women's Increasing Role In Combat
1/28/2013 - Yawn Of The Dead
1/28/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 28, 2013
1/28/2013 - J.J. Abrams To Direct New 'Star Wars' Movie
1/28/2013 - Despite Lessons Of Cautionary Film 'Multiplicity,' Geneticists Determined To Clone Michael Keaton
1/27/2013 - Peter King Works Terrible Stay At Courtyard Marriott Into Every Component Of Super Bowl Preview
1/26/2013 - ESPN Showing Home Footage Of Young Harbaugh Brothers Coaching Together In Backyard
1/26/2013 - Brady Quinn Frantically Trying To Confirm His Online Girlfriend Not A Hoax
1/25/2013 - North Korea To Test New Nuclear Weapon
1/25/2013 - The Onion Honors Roe v. Wade's 40th Anniversary With List Of Top 10 Abortions Of All Time
1/25/2013 - 8th Grader Impregnated During Trip To 'March For Life' Event
1/25/2013 - Five Other Magazines Worth Buying
1/25/2013 - Study Exposes Risks Of Conducting Research While Driving
1/25/2013 - Millions Of Human Beings Experiencing Actual Emotions About J.J. Abrams Directing 'Star Wars'
1/25/2013 - Friday, February 1
1/25/2013 - Anthony Davis Growing Out Second Eyebrow
1/25/2013 - Series Of Grave Errors Results In Jeff And Kim's 5th Anniversary
1/25/2013 - Roomba Thrown Out Of Home After Being Caught Staring At Sleeping Daughter
1/25/2013 - McDonald’s To Offer New Fish McBites
1/25/2013 - 2013 Puppy Bowl Teams To Be Coached By Two Dogs From Same Litter
1/24/2013 - Huffington Post Completes 63 Million Page 'Where Are They Now' Slideshow Of Every Celebrity Ever
1/24/2013 - Executive Creative Too
1/24/2013 - Eccentric Man Introduces New Sweater To Closet Pals Colonel Coat And Captain Blazer
1/24/2013 - The Onion Demands John Kerry Tell The Truth About His Swift Boat Service
1/24/2013 - 'I Was One Of Several People Duped,' Manti Te'o Tells Scarecrow Dressed As Katie Couric
1/24/2013 - Frustrated Inner-City Students Running Out Of Ideas To Motivate Teachers
1/24/2013 - Frustrated Inner-City Students Running Out Of Ideas To Motivate Teachers
1/24/2013 - Nation's Movie Theaters Bracing For 'Hansel And Gretel' Being Perhaps The Biggest Hit Of All Time
1/24/2013 - North Korea Claims New Long Range Missile Has Ability To Fly Right Up In The Air, Not Unlike A Bird Or A Fly
1/24/2013 - U.S. Military Lauded For Creating Gender-Neutral Killing Field
1/24/2013 - Biden Scores 800 Feet Of Copper Wire
1/24/2013 - Least Common New Year's Resolutions
1/24/2013 - Monday, January 28
1/24/2013 - Nepal Issues IDs With 'Third Gender' Option
1/24/2013 - Pentagon Allows Women To Serve On Front Lines
1/23/2013 - When You're Feeling Low, Just Remember I'll Be Dead In About 15 Or 20 Years
1/23/2013 - Copy Of 'The Scarlet Letter' Can't Believe The Notes High Schooler Writing In Margins
1/23/2013 - Hillary Clinton Testifies On Benghazi Attack
1/23/2013 - And Nation Has To Go Through It All Again Tomorrow
1/23/2013 - Roommate Food Pyramid Updated To Include 4 Servings Of Someone Else’s Grains, Cereals Per Day
1/23/2013 - Roommate Food Pyramid Updated To Include 4 Servings Of Someone Else’s Grains, Cereals Per Day
1/23/2013 - 22-Year-Old Gets Job At Website
1/23/2013 - Sunday, January 27
1/23/2013 - Hoaxed Linebacker Manti Te'o Now Dating 'Scarlett Johansson's Head On Jenny McCarthy's Body'
1/23/2013 - Friend's Mom Tearing It Up On Facebook
1/23/2013 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of January 23, 2013
1/23/2013 - Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of January 23, 2013
1/23/2013 - Radiation Blast May Have Hit Earth In Middle Ages
1/22/2013 - Michelle Obama Not So Keen On President's New Bangs
1/22/2013 - Prince Harry: 'I Killed Taliban-Looking People'
1/22/2013 - NASA Continues Search For Planet Capable Of Supporting NASA
1/22/2013 - Hungover Michelle Obama Packs Leftover Inaugural Ball Hors D'oeuvres Into Sasha’s Lunch Box
1/22/2013 - Obama Calls For Climate Change Action
1/22/2013 - Man Who Can't Get Enough Mucus Enjoying Winter Season
1/22/2013 - Falcons Starting To See Why No One Believed In Them
1/22/2013 - 62-Year-Old With Gun Only One Standing Between Nation And Full-Scale Government Takeover
1/22/2013 - We Raise All Our Beef Humanely On Open Pasture And Then We Hang Them Upside Down And Slash Their Throats
1/22/2013 - Report: Mom's Work Friend Has No One
1/22/2013 - NASA Continues Search For Planet Capable Of Supporting NASA
1/22/2013 - TSA Removing Nude Body Scanners From Airports
1/21/2013 - Ugh
1/21/2013 - List Of Politically Achievable Reforms Down To Just Three Minor Changes To Traffic Code
1/21/2013 - Atari Files For Bankruptcy
1/21/2013 - Romney Makes Desperate, Last-Ditch Bid For Presidency
1/21/2013 - Obama Begins Inauguration Festivities With Ceremonial Drone Flyover
1/21/2013 - Biden Working His Way Through Scratch-Off Tickets During Obama's Swearing-In
1/21/2013 - Highlights Of President Obama's Inauguration
1/21/2013 - Return Of NHL Season Reignites Exciting Sidney Crosby Vs. Cranial Fluid Buildup Rivalry
1/21/2013 - Casual Drink With Acquaintance Actually First Move In Elaborate Chess Game To Get Hired At United.com
1/21/2013 - Man Who Willingly Rented 'Wrath Of The Titans' Feels His Intelligence Has Been Insulted
1/21/2013 - Back To Work
1/21/2013 - Obama Inaugurated
1/21/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 21, 2013
1/20/2013 - Jack Harbaugh Admits He's Pulling For Tom Brady To Win Fourth Super Bowl
1/20/2013 - NFC Championship Game (Falcons vs. 49ers)
1/20/2013 - AFC Championship Game (Patriots vs. Ravens)
1/20/2013 - Bowling!
1/19/2013 - Mothers Of NFL Players Concerned About Binge Drinking At Bottom Of Pile
1/19/2013 - Entire Community Stops To Watch Man Struggling To Work Window Blinds
1/18/2013 - Armstrong Admits Drug Use, Plans Return To Cycling As Flamboyant, Fan-Hating Villain
1/18/2013 - Bill Belichick Builds New Tight End From Mutilated Dog Parts
1/18/2013 - In Stunning Change Of Character, Bill Belichick Adopts Half-Dozen Dogs From Humane Society
1/18/2013 - Feces Transplants Help Cure Diarrhea
1/18/2013 - Diane Sawyer Introduces New Foul-Mouthed, Cigar-Chomping Character To 'ABC World News'
1/18/2013 - I Just Want To Apologize To Manti Te'o For What I Put Him Through
1/18/2013 - Wayne LaPierre Goes On Harpooning Spree To Prove Some Sort Of Point
1/18/2013 - Nation Descends Into Utter Moral Chaos Following 'Dear Abby' Writer's Death
1/18/2013 - Are You Jewish? We're Updating Our Annual List
1/18/2013 - FAA Grounds Problem-Prone Boeing Dreamliners
1/17/2013 - Uh-Oh, Photo Of Crying Woman On Cover Of National Newspaper
1/17/2013 - Depressed Nation Really Did Not Think It Would Take Them This Long To Get Over Death Of Jack Klugman
1/17/2013 - College Freshman's Roommate Has Had Excuse To Go Home Every Weekend Since August
1/17/2013 - Obama Pushing Broad Gun Control Measures
1/17/2013 - Impossible To Tell If Frazzled Woman In Walgreens Uniform Going To Or Coming From Work
1/17/2013 - Osama Bin Laden Foundation Awards Fellowships To 20 Promising Young Terrorists
1/17/2013 - Gary Kubiak Congratulates Houston Texans On Yet Another Houston Texans Season
1/17/2013 - On The Fake Dead Girlfriend Of Notre Dame Star Manti Te’o
1/17/2013 - How Are We Disciplining Our Pets?
1/17/2013 - College Freshman’s Roommate Has Had Excuse To Go Home Every Weekend Since August
1/17/2013 - Osama Bin Laden Foundation Awards Fellowships To 20 Promising Young Terrorists
1/17/2013 - Coca-Cola Debuts Anti-Obesity Commercial
1/16/2013 - NRA Fights Legislation That Would Ban Gun Sales To Those Currently On Killing Sprees
1/16/2013 - Man Who Got Shit Together 5 Years Ago Still Viewed As Lovable Fuckup By Friends, Family
1/16/2013 - I'm Sorry, But I've Had Just About Enough Of Me
1/16/2013 - Four Homeless People Dead In What Girlfriend Refers To As 'Cuddle Weather'
1/16/2013 - Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife
1/16/2013 - Facebook Introduces New Search Feature
1/16/2013 - Internet Users Demand Less Interactivity
1/16/2013 - Report: Most Small Businesses Fail In First 6 Hours Of Being On Fire
1/16/2013 - Clarence Thomas Breaks 7-Year Silence In Court
1/16/2013 - Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife
1/15/2013 - Jodie Foster Inspires Teens To Come Out Using Vague, Rambling Riddles
1/15/2013 - Afghanistan War Veteran Solemnly Recalls Seeing Entire Platoon Killed By Undiagnosed PTSD
1/15/2013 - Lance Armstrong Admits To Using Performance-Enhancing Drugs To Show Remorse
1/15/2013 - Silvio Berlusconi Swears Dancer Was Of Legal Age When He Paid Her For Sex Using State Money
1/15/2013 - SPONSORED: The Taliban Is A Vibrant And Thriving Political Movement
1/15/2013 - New York Passes Gun Control Bill
1/15/2013 - Golden Tate Claims He Caught Final Hail Mary In Falcons Game
1/15/2013 - Land Land
1/15/2013 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of January 15, 2013
1/15/2013 - Python Hunting Contest Opens In Everglades
1/14/2013 - Ten Percent Of U.S. High School Students Graduating Without Basic Object Permanence Skills
1/14/2013 - Woman Who Admits To Having Watched Golden Globes Thinks Jodie Foster Embarrassed Herself
1/14/2013 - Panicking Flu Swears It Didn’t Mean To Kill Old Lady
1/14/2013 - Really Hip 90-Year-Old Figures He Has Every Right To Torrent Glenn Miller's 'In The Mood'
1/14/2013 - The 6 Best Dresses At The Golden Globes
1/14/2013 - 'Argo' Wins Best Picture At Golden Globes
1/14/2013 - Adrian Peterson Re-Tears ACL In Preparation For 2013 Season
1/14/2013 - I-95 Diagnosed With Highway Cancer
1/14/2013 - Options For Solving The Debt-Ceiling Crisis
1/14/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 14, 2013
1/14/2013 - Diet Soda Linked To Depression
1/14/2013 - The Nice Age
1/13/2013 - Noogies Around The World
1/13/2013 - Procrastinating Surgeon Putting Off Coronary Bypass By Cleaning Entire Hospital
1/13/2013 - Report: 96% Of Nation's Smut Consumed By Filthiest 1%
1/12/2013 - Nation Can’t Wait To Wake Up And Start Eating Again
1/12/2013 - Packers vs. Niners
1/12/2013 - Ravens-Broncos Matchup Rekindles Smoldering Resentment From Baltimore-Denver War Of 1877
1/12/2013 - Denzel Washington
1/11/2013 - Area Woman Decides Not To Post Facebook Status That Would Have Tipped Gun Control Debate
1/11/2013 - Only Difficult Pistachios Left In Bag
1/11/2013 - Worst Flu Season In A Decade
1/11/2013 - NRA Sends Complimentary Bereavement Gun Baskets To Families Of Shooting Victims
1/11/2013 - Jon Gruden Drawing Interest From Smiling Guy In Mirror
1/11/2013 - Investigation Finds Appalling Conditions In 'Cosmopolitan' Magazine Male-Pleasure Laboratory
1/11/2013 - Applebee's To Offer Divorced-Father-And-Child Specials Every Other Weekend
1/11/2013 - Pregnancy: The Best Way To Get Strangers To Touch You?
1/11/2013 - Mythbusters
1/11/2013 - Investigation Finds Appalling Conditions In ‘Cosmopolitan’ Magazine Male-Pleasure Laboratory
1/11/2013 - 'Lincoln' Leads With 12 Oscar Nominations
1/10/2013 - Joe Flacco Already Preparing Apology To Ray Lewis For Disappointing End To Career
1/10/2013 - Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack
1/10/2013 - 'Wow, No One Saw This Coming' Nation Groans As Norway's 'Kon-Tiki' Nabs Best Foreign Picture Nomination
1/10/2013 - White House, NRA Meet To Discuss Guns
1/10/2013 - Overweight 6-Year-Old Vows To Change Lifestyle After Second Heart Attack
1/10/2013 - Bradley Cooper Racks Up Staggering One Oscar Nominations
1/10/2013 - Ben Affleck Nominated For Best Friend Of Matt Damon
1/10/2013 - Man Has Alarming Level Of Pride In Institution That Left Him $50,000 In Debt, Inadequately Prepared For Job Market
1/10/2013 - Air Force One Pilot Invites Excited Obama Into Cockpit
1/10/2013 - What Satellite Radio Station Are We Listening To?
1/10/2013 - Kent Sulak
1/10/2013 - New Cars Unveiled At Detroit Auto Show
1/10/2013 - Man Has Alarming Level Of Pride In Institution That Left Him $50,000 In Debt, Inadequately Prepared For Job Market
1/9/2013 - AIG Nearly Blows All The Goodwill Built Up By Wall Street In Recent Years
1/9/2013 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of January 9, 2013
1/9/2013 - 2012 Was Once Considered Hottest Year On Record, Man In 2024 Remembers Wistfully
1/9/2013 - 2012 Hottest Year Ever In U.S.
1/9/2013 - Career Spider Not Sure She's Ready For 3,000 Children At This Point
1/9/2013 - Russell Crowe Praised For Stunning Portrayal Of Man Who Cannot Sing Or Act In 'Les Misérables'
1/9/2013 - Ask A Closeted Homosexual Riverboat Captain
1/9/2013 - Parents Television Council Comedy Hour
1/9/2013 - Elliott Tapparo
1/9/2013 - Milky Way May Contain 17 Billion Earth-Size Planets
1/8/2013 - Mother Who Forgot To Pay 29-Year-Old Son's Phone Bill Reminded To Really Be Careful About That
1/8/2013 - Taylor Swift Now Dating James Holmes
1/8/2013 - David Bowie Releases First New Music In 10 Years
1/8/2013 - RGIII To Have More Tests Done On Thing That Used To Be Knee
1/8/2013 - Israel Vows To Use Veto Power If Chuck Hagel Confirmed As U.S. Secretary Of Defense
1/8/2013 - On Alabama Winning Its Third BCS Championship In Four Years
1/8/2013 - Dancing Machine Overheats
1/8/2013 - Mother Who Forgot To Pay 29-Year-Old Son’s Phone Bill Reminded To Really Be Careful About That
1/8/2013 - 31-Year-Old Now The Only One Of His Friends Who Hasn't Gotten Married, Divorced
1/8/2013 - NASA Selling Space Shuttle Facilities
1/8/2013 - Annual Teeth Cleaning Reveals Three Previously Unnoticed Rows Of Teeth
1/7/2013 - Psychiatrists Warn Nation's Used Car Salesmen Going Insane, Practically Giving Cars Away
1/7/2013 - Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. Alabama Crimson Tide
1/7/2013 - The View
1/7/2013 - Frustrated Wayne LaPierre Thought Murder Of 20 Children By Crazed Gunman Would Have Blown Over By Now
1/7/2013 - Man Returns To Work After Vacation With Fresh, Reenergized Hatred For Job
1/7/2013 - 'Downton Abbey' Returns To U.S. TV
1/7/2013 - Army Commander Depressed After Reading Facebook Comments On Latest Raid
1/7/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 7, 2013
1/7/2013 - 4 Copy Editors Killed In Ongoing AP Style, Chicago Manual Gang Violence
1/7/2013 - Final Checkpoint
1/4/2013 - Ornithologist Forced To Participate In History Channel's 'What If Humans Suddenly Became Birds?' Program
1/4/2013 - Neighborhood Flocks To Coffee Shop Bulletin Board To Read About Fun Upcoming Events
1/4/2013 - Annual Teeth Cleaning Reveals Three Previously Unnoticed Rows Of Teeth
1/4/2013 - Walgreens Manager Certain Dead Father Would Have Been Proud Of Crest Toothpaste Display
1/4/2013 - Modern-Day Robin Hood Just Sleeping In Woods, Shooting Rich People With Arrows
1/3/2013 - Fugitive Doctor Accuses Devlin MacGregor Of Fraud
1/3/2013 - Pet Dog Almost Like Disgusting Family Member
1/3/2013 - Everyone At Office Planning Shooting Spree For Same Day
1/3/2013 - Fugitive Doctor Accuses Devlin MacGregor Of Fraud
1/2/2013 - Scientists Debut Robot That Can Run A Half-Marathon, Smugly Brag About It
1/2/2013 - Foster Mom Doesn't Pick Least Favorites
1/2/2013 - Partially Faded Hand Stamp Undermining Everything Prosecutor Says
1/2/2013 - Asshole From Plane Greeted At Baggage Claim By Whole Family
1/1/2013 - Mentally Ill Man Not In Mood To Gun Down Strangers, But Glad To Know That Option There If Needed