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2013 July
7/31/2013 - Fans Of Green Screens, Incredibly Fake-Looking Things Express Love For Modern Cinema
7/31/2013 - Check Out This Egg
7/31/2013 - Is Bradley Manning A Hero Or A Traitor?
7/31/2013 - Bashar Al-Assad Introduces Syrian Bike-Sharing Program
7/31/2013 - Ben & Jerry’s–Inspired Porn Barred From Release
7/31/2013 - Dick Van Dyke Finally Confesses To Zodiac Killings
7/31/2013 - Car Dealership Giving Serious Thought To Ending Sponsorship Deal With Jerry Sandusky
7/31/2013 - Open Dialogue Two Americans Having About Race Pretty Hilarious
7/31/2013 - Report: Alex Rodriguez Has Asked 4 In 5 Americans For Steroids
7/31/2013 - Drone Blimps To Protect Washington, D.C.
7/31/2013 - Albino Tracker
7/30/2013 - Publicist’s Single Dream In Life For Nation To Have Wes Bentley Fever
7/30/2013 - Email From Coworker Trying To Organize Office-Wide Social Outing So Unbearably Sad
7/30/2013 - Border Patrol Finds Pot On Bieber Tour Bus
7/30/2013 - Boss Has Been Riding Steven Van Zandt’s Ass All Day
7/30/2013 - Politician Spots Young Female Aide, And So It Begins
7/30/2013 - Quiet Loner Really Comes Out Of Shell At Gun Store
7/30/2013 - Fucking Loser At Movie All By Himself
7/30/2013 - Jaguars Feeling Optimistic After Watching Blaine Gabbert Carted Off Field
7/30/2013 - Woman Flattered Complete Stranger Would Say Something So Nice About Her Tits
7/30/2013 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 30, 2013
7/30/2013 - Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks Restart In D.C.
7/29/2013 - Area Desk Doesn't Mind If People Sit On It Like A Chair Every Once In A While
7/29/2013 - History Of The Catholic Church’s Views On Homosexuality
7/29/2013 - Pope Signals Acceptance Of Gay Priests
7/29/2013 - Zoologists: Ape Neurology Much Like That Of Banana-Obsessed Humans
7/29/2013 - Merger Of Advertising Giants Brings Together Largest Collection Of People With No Discernible Skills
7/29/2013 - Tech Is The Future, Reports Local Dad
7/29/2013 - Pit Of Komodo Dragons Shocked To Discover Billionaire Who Owns Them Is Just 26
7/29/2013 - 25 Years Of ‘The Rush Limbaugh Show’
7/29/2013 - Vatican Quickly Performs Damage Control On Pope’s Tolerant Remarks
7/29/2013 - Report: Only .00003% Of Things That Happen Actually Matter
7/29/2013 - Husband Experimenting With Open Marriage
7/29/2013 - Under the Dome
7/29/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of July 29, 2013
7/29/2013 - A Vegetative State
7/29/2013 - Tall Women At Higher Risk For Cancer
7/28/2013 - Bob Skylar and Elizabeth Honing
7/27/2013 - Nike Releases New Greg Odens
7/26/2013 - Area Desk Doesn't Mind If People Sit On It Like A Chair Every Once In Awhile
7/26/2013 - School Of The Arts Aims To Transform Boys And Girls Into Insufferable Young Men And Women
7/26/2013 - Lincoln Memorial Vandalized With Green Paint
7/26/2013 - Baby Can Already Tell Crib He’s In Going To Be Recalled
7/26/2013 - The Week In Sports – Week Of July 26, 2013
7/26/2013 - 4 Exciting New Ways To Make A Pineapple Seem Like Another Person In The Room
7/26/2013 - This Bus Stop Must Be Near Culinary School
7/26/2013 - Notable Sports Suspensions
7/26/2013 - Annual 6-Sentence Conversation With Cousin Goes Smoothly
7/26/2013 - Brilliant, Innovative CEO Just Wrote Words 'Social Media' On Whiteboard And Underlined It
7/26/2013 - You’re New Here, But You Should Know That I’m The Guy Whose Computer People Gather Around To Watch Funny Videos
7/26/2013 - Golden State Warriors Tore Up NBA Summer League, Reports Man Who Has Never Been So Alone
7/26/2013 - Jane Austen To Appear On British 10-Pound Bill
7/25/2013 - Congress Fiercely Divided Over Completely Blank Bill That Says And Does Nothing
7/25/2013 - Calling People Fat Spurs Weight Gain
7/25/2013 - Tony Romo Practicing For First Time Since Surgery To Remove Ovarian Cyst
7/25/2013 - Economists: People Who Paint Selves Silver And Pretend To Be Statues Make Average Of $10 Million Per Year
7/25/2013 - Greg Oden Suppresses Severe Shooting Pain All Over Body During Meeting With Heat
7/25/2013 - Biden Has Guy Named Worm Sit In For Him At Cabinet Meeting
7/25/2013 - Economists: People Who Paint Selves Silver And Pretend To Be Statues Make Average Of $10 Million Per Year
7/25/2013 - Meteorologists Report Sky Just A Little Bluer Today, And It’s Because Minneapolis Resident Doug Bramowski’s In Love
7/25/2013 - Print Dead At 1,803
7/25/2013 - Well, Well, Well, What Do We Have Here?
7/25/2013 - Amanda Bynes Hospitalized After Setting Fire
7/25/2013 - Jason Noggoh
7/24/2013 - Proposed Legislation Offers Citizenship To Immigrants Who Can Play Piano So Good It Makes Everyone Cry
7/24/2013 - Anthony Weiner Continued Sexting After Resignation
7/24/2013 - Frustrated Novelist No Good At Describing Hands
7/24/2013 - Man At Salad Bar Has To Say Every Item Aloud As He Adds It To Salad
7/24/2013 - The Onion’s Tips For Making A Political Comeback
7/24/2013 - Weird-Looking Guy Somehow Manages To Look Normal In Facebook Profile Picture
7/24/2013 - Man With Widely Circulated Penis Pictures Not The Most Humiliated Person At Podium
7/24/2013 - Doctors Clear RGIII’s Knee For Light Tearing
7/24/2013 - Area Man Treats Girlfriend To Sumptuous 20-Second Massage
7/24/2013 - Study: Dolphins Call Each Other By Name
7/24/2013 - Jessica Farthing and Mark Harris
7/24/2013 - Unambitious Loser With Happy, Fulfilling Life Still Lives In Hometown
7/23/2013 - Wildman Currently Raging Across Southern California
7/23/2013 - Skipping Breakfast Linked To Heart Attacks
7/23/2013 - Brewers Worried Ryan Braun Suspension Might Put Season In Jeopardy
7/23/2013 - Everyone In Whitey Bulger Trial Found Dead In Woods Outside Dorchester
7/23/2013 - Highlights From Pope Francis’ Trip To Brazil
7/23/2013 - Man Pulling In $1,000 Per Month Has Nerve To Complain About Minimum Wage Laws
7/23/2013 - Ryan Braun: 'Never Believe Any Of Us'
7/23/2013 - Pool Owner Has Bathing Suit That Touched His Penis You Can Borrow
7/23/2013 - Without Guns, How Am I Supposed To Defend Myself From My Family?
7/23/2013 - Area Dad Just Absolutely Sobbing After Phil Mickelson Win
7/23/2013 - Nelson Mandela Evidently Thinks World’s Journalists Have Nothing Better To Do Than Wait Around Like Idiots
7/23/2013 - Area Dad Wants To Watch New Blu-Ray Of ‘Spring Breakers’ By Himself
7/23/2013 - Batman, Superman To Star In Film Together
7/23/2013 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 23, 2013
7/23/2013 - Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of July 23, 2013
7/22/2013 - Royal Baby Has Father’s Eyes
7/22/2013 - Long May He Reign: A Look Back At The Royal Baby's First Year
7/22/2013 - Royal Baby Speaks First Words
7/22/2013 - Royal Baby Eats First Meal
7/22/2013 - Royal Baby Already Crawling
7/22/2013 - Royal Baby Born
7/22/2013 - Nate Silver Warns Against Overestimating His Value To ESPN
7/22/2013 - Palace Of Biblical King David Found
7/22/2013 - Wrigley Field Jumbotron To Offer Cubs Fans Welcome Distraction
7/22/2013 - Generous Improv Troupe Performing For Free
7/22/2013 - Website's Built-In Search Engine Just Pathetic
7/22/2013 - Nintendo Entertainment System Turns 30
7/22/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of July 22, 2013
7/22/2013 - Species Of Big-Nosed Dinosaur Unearthed In Utah
7/22/2013 - None Too Soon
7/21/2013 - Martha Sarahns
7/20/2013 - Grocery List Depressing
7/19/2013 - Ceiling Fan Transforms Apartment Without Air Conditioning Into Frosty Wonderland
7/19/2013 - Not-That-Important Employee Snatches Best Donut In Box
7/19/2013 - The Week In Sports – Week Of July 19, 2013
7/19/2013 - Report: Detroit Bankruptcy Might Transform City Into Some Kind Of Hellish, Depopulated Wasteland
7/19/2013 - Outline Of Inhaler Clearly Visible In Comic-Con Attendee’s Lycra Bodysuit
7/19/2013 - Detroit Files For Bankruptcy
7/19/2013 - Perfectly Shitty Couch Sitting On Curb
7/19/2013 - Dwight Howard Ready To Put Disappointing Season In Front Of Him
7/19/2013 - Nation Disturbed By Photos Of Bud Selig In ESPN’s Body Issue
7/19/2013 - Tiny Advisor Who Lived In Obama’s Ear Dead At 83
7/19/2013 - Greenlit Sports Movies Of 2013
7/19/2013 - Pope To Reduce His Twitter Followers’ Time In Purgatory
7/19/2013 - This Man Claims He’s The Illegitimate Son Of Frank Sinatra And We’re Going With It
7/18/2013 - Manny Ramirez Impresses Triple-A Teammates With Knowledge Of Shapes
7/18/2013 - CVS, 7-Eleven Ban ‘Rolling Stone’ Issue Featuring Tsarnaev
7/18/2013 - FBI Offering $1 Million Reward For Any Information On Cheetahs
7/18/2013 - The Onion’s Tips For Buying A Wedding Present
7/18/2013 - Netflix Receives 10 Emmy Nominations For Season 4 Of ‘Wings’
7/18/2013 - Heat Wave Doesn’t Bother Local Contrarian
7/18/2013 - Pro Football Hall Of Fame Removes Aaron Hernandez’s Gun
7/18/2013 - Fox Books Files For Bankruptcy
7/18/2013 - Schedule For 2013 San Diego Comic-Con
7/18/2013 - FBI Offering $1 Million Reward For Any Information On Cheetahs
7/18/2013 - Man Spends Entire Marketing Meeting Nodding
7/18/2013 - New Moon Discovered Orbiting Neptune
7/18/2013 - Donnie
7/18/2013 - Top A/C Alternatives
7/17/2013 - My Name Is Slideshow. Here Is More About Who I Am And What I’m All About.
7/17/2013 - Twin Pandas Born In Atlanta
7/17/2013 - 4 NL Fans Killed In Brutal All-Star Game Riots
7/17/2013 - Tour De France Enters Stage Where Officials Begin Building PED Case Against Eventual Winner
7/17/2013 - Man Who Couldn’t Defeat George W. Bush Attempting To Resolve Israel-Palestine Conflict
7/17/2013 - Metta World Peace Signs 2-Year Deal With ‘New York Post’
7/17/2013 - MIT Scientists Create Robot Capable Of Feeling Lust
7/17/2013 - Eric Cantor Pressuring Wife To Try New Political Position
7/17/2013 - Obese Boy Scouts Banned From National Jamboree
7/17/2013 - Kevin Maguire
7/16/2013 - Citi Field Holds First Meaningful Game In Stadium History
7/16/2013 - Infant Child Left In Sweet Camaro
7/16/2013 - 30-Year-Old NES Still Wasting Life Playing Video Games
7/16/2013 - Top Mexican Drug Lord Captured
7/16/2013 - Best Buy Employee Going To Tell You What He Has At Home
7/16/2013 - George Zimmerman Wins Florida State Lottery
7/16/2013 - Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine
7/16/2013 - Just Once I’d Like To Make A Hotel Reservation Without Hearing About Someone’s Relative Surviving The Holocaust
7/16/2013 - Nation Hoping ‘The Newsroom’ Ends Before Trayvon Martin Storyline
7/16/2013 - Prince Fielder Dominates Home Run–Eating Contest
7/16/2013 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 16, 2013
7/16/2013 - Man’s Idea For Tweet Just Pops Into His Mind Almost Fully Formed
7/16/2013 - Texas Passes Sweeping Abortion Restrictions
7/15/2013 - Nation Thankful That Shellie Dean Zimmerman Was Charged With Perjury At Least
7/15/2013 - Rallies Against Zimmerman Verdict Held Across U.S.
7/15/2013 - In Our Defense, These Were Some Pretty Fucked-Up Laws And We Were Ordered To Deliberate In Accordance With Them
7/15/2013 - Nation Throws Hands Up, Tells Black Teenagers To Do Their Best Out There
7/15/2013 - Zimmerman Found Not Guilty, Technically, But C’mon
7/15/2013 - CNN Holds Panel Discussion To Determine If There Race Problem In America
7/15/2013 - Great Career Comebacks
7/15/2013 - J.K. Rowling Revealed To Be Pseudonym For Newt Gingrich
7/15/2013 - Michelle Obama Finally Gets Around To Reading ‘Dreams From My Father’
7/15/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of July 15, 2013
7/15/2013 - Vacation Indoctrination
7/15/2013 - Study: Diet Soda Doesn’t Aid Weight Loss
7/13/2013 - The Onion's Tips For Treating A Sunburn
7/12/2013 - Famous Whistleblowing Cases In U.S. History
7/12/2013 - Microsoft Announces Major Company Overhaul
7/12/2013 - Serious Coworker Puts Headphones On To Focus On Sandwich
7/12/2013 - Insurance Company Gets Fucked Over By Another Cancer Patient
7/12/2013 - Defense: ‘George Zimmerman Is, You Know, He’s A Decent Enough Guy’
7/12/2013 - Egyptians Concerned About Direction Government Is Toppling In
7/12/2013 - The Week In Sports – Week Of July 12, 2013
7/12/2013 - FBI Can’t Bring Themselves To Bust Guy Torrenting Every Season Of ‘Picket Fences’
7/12/2013 - Derrick Rose Wondering If He Should Start Rehabbing Knee Sometime This Summer
7/12/2013 - Judge: Apple Conspired To Drive Up E-Book Prices
7/11/2013 - MRI Exam Shows Yadier Molina’s Knee Contains All Kinds Of Gross Tendons, Cartilage
7/11/2013 - Justin Bieber Apologizes To Clinton For Insults
7/11/2013 - Reasons For Obama’s Low Approval Rating
7/11/2013 - Terrified Johnny Depp Unable To Remove Tonto Makeup
7/11/2013 - Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite
7/11/2013 - Completely Unknown Employee Begins Sending Email Updates To Office
7/11/2013 - U.S. Stock Market Soars After Bernanke’s Reassuring Comments About ‘Pacific Rim’
7/11/2013 - George Zimmerman Offers To Just Plead Guilty And Pay Fine Or Whatever
7/11/2013 - Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite
7/11/2013 - Most Popular Summer Camp Activities
7/11/2013 - DirecTV Launching Channel For Dogs
7/10/2013 - Mexico Surpasses U.S. As Fattest Nation
7/10/2013 - Report: Nation Thinking About Big, Warm Piece Of Cinnamon Coffee Cake Right Now
7/10/2013 - Facebook: ‘We Will Make Our Product Worse, You Will Be Upset, And Then You Will Live With It’
7/10/2013 - I Think People Could Have Been A Little More Sympathetic About My Broken Nose
7/10/2013 - Dzhokhar Tsarnaev Rushes Out Of Summer Class To Make Court Hearing
7/10/2013 - Pregnant Wife Has No Idea Which Jonas Brother She Married
7/10/2013 - ‘The Onion’ Offers A Swift, Painless Death To Edward Snowden
7/10/2013 - A-Rod Shows Minor Leaguers Proper Way To Put Down Teammates
7/10/2013 - Clear Theme Of Obedient Children Emerging In Father’s Bedtime Stories
7/10/2013 - Eliot Spitzer Announces Return To Politics
7/9/2013 - Bin Laden Wore Cowboy Hat To Avoid Detection
7/9/2013 - Logo Of Smiling Cartoon Tooth Holding Brush Inspires Nothing But Confidence In Local Oral Surgeon
7/9/2013 - If You Think You Can Talk To Your Mother Like That, Then You’ve Paid Attention To The Way I’ve Subtly Degraded Her For Years
7/9/2013 - Aaron Hernandez Having Great Time In Prison Catching Up With Former Gators Teammates
7/9/2013 - Jay-Z CEO Resigns After Stock Price Plunges
7/9/2013 - Andy Murray Claims It's Kind Of Pathetic Britain Taking So Much Pride In His Win At A Tennis Tournament
7/9/2013 - Zoo Visitors Watch Mating Rituals Of Ice Cream Shop Staff
7/9/2013 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 9, 2013
7/9/2013 - Study: Unpaid Internships Don’t Lead To Jobs
7/8/2013 - New Tandem Mobility Scooter Released
7/8/2013 - Pilot Had Little Experience Landing Boeing 777
7/8/2013 - Area Man Loses All Control Of Face While Thinking
7/8/2013 - Despite Armie Hammer Profile In ‘Good Housekeeping’ Magazine, ‘Lone Ranger’ A Flop At Box Office
7/8/2013 - FAA Advises Asiana Airlines Pilot To Get Back Out There After Crash
7/8/2013 - ‘True Blood’ Characters Openly Talking About How They Can’t Wait For Episode To End
7/8/2013 - Panicked Sabermetricians Forced To Rethink Entire Sport After Discovering They Missed At Bat From Lou Brock On August 3, 1975
7/8/2013 - Best Music Festivals Of Summer 2013
7/8/2013 - CIA Interrogator Apologizes Profusely After Asking Question About Touchy Subject
7/8/2013 - The Week In Sports – Week Of July 8, 2013
7/8/2013 - Perverted Justice
7/8/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of July 8, 2013
7/8/2013 - Breastfed Children Achieve Higher Social Status
7/7/2013 - Report: 1 In 5 Air Ducts Contains Person Looking, Listening In On You
7/7/2013 - Belichick To Tebow: ‘I’m Your Lord And Savior Now’
7/6/2013 - ‘I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore, Little Buddy!’ Says Mother In Midst Of Nervous Breakdown
7/5/2013 - New Tandem Mobility Scooter Released
7/5/2013 - Cubs Players Heckle Lackluster Fans In Wrigley Field Stands
7/5/2013 - Farmer Who Cleared Out Crops To Build Baseball Field Goes Bankrupt, Loses Family, Arrested For Tax Evasion
7/5/2013 - Sibling Bullying Just As Bad As Peer Bullying
7/3/2013 - 13 Year Old Boy Diagnosed With Incurable Puberty
7/3/2013 - Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought
7/3/2013 - U.S. Celebrates Independence Day
7/3/2013 - Justin Upton Realizes He’s Been At Bat For 4 Hours
7/3/2013 - BREAKING: Lovers Lost In Fog
7/3/2013 - Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought
7/3/2013 - Report: 79% Of Sincere Thoughts Played Off As Jokes
7/3/2013 - Less Than 1 In 4 Americans Trust Newspapers
7/3/2013 - What Are We Bringing To The Cookout?
7/3/2013 - Kids Tired Of Hearing Boring Stories About How Father A Skilled, Generous Lover
7/2/2013 - Sesame Street: 'Bert And Ernie Are Not Gay, They Are Depraved Pansexual Perverts'
7/2/2013 - Dying Kid In Houston Holding On Until Astros Develop Player Worth Meeting
7/2/2013 - Apparently Facebook Friend Under Impression Ron Paul Still Running For Major Federal Office
7/2/2013 - New Wearable Computer Also Sucks Your Dick
7/2/2013 - 16-Year-Old Excited To Have Whole Summer To Plan Shooting For Next School Year
7/2/2013 - Last Time I Checked This Was Still America, But If I’m Being Honest, That Was A While Ago
7/2/2013 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 2, 2013
7/2/2013 - Study: 95% Of People Don’t Wash Hands Correctly
7/2/2013 - Fossilized Evidence Reveals Spazosaurus Was Largest Doofus To Ever Roam Earth
7/1/2013 - 8-Year-Old Boy Surprises Marine Dad During Firefight In Afghanistan
7/1/2013 - Wide-Eyed Minor Leaguer Never Thought He’d One Day Be Playing In NBT Bank Stadium
7/1/2013 - Tips For Hosting A Pool Party
7/1/2013 - American Dental Association Recommends Making Your Gums Hurt Really Bad Once A Day
7/1/2013 - New Michael Bay Romantic Comedy To Focus On Love Story Between 2 Explosions
7/1/2013 - Progressive Charter School Doesn’t Have Students
7/1/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of July 1, 2013
7/1/2013 - Government Bans Sugary, Fatty Snacks From Schools
7/1/2013 - Nefarious Goals