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2013 June
6/30/2013 - Magic Skateboard
6/28/2013 - Senate Passes Immigration Reform Bill
6/28/2013 - The Week In Sports – Week Of June 28, 2013
6/28/2013 - Scientists Find Link Between How Pathetic You Are, How Fast You Respond To Emails
6/28/2013 - Stanley Cup Shot 11 Times During Chicago Blackhawks Victory Parade
6/28/2013 - Lucky Old Woman Getting Wheeled Around Airport
6/28/2013 - Graffiti Artist Completes Masterwork ‘Still Life Of Marijuana Leaf’
6/28/2013 - Autopsy Of A Scene: Paul Feig Points Out How Many Ghosts Are In This Scene From 'The Heat'
6/28/2013 - 8-Year-Old Boy Surprises Marine Dad During Firefight In Afghanistan
6/28/2013 - Undertaker’s Last Few Embalmings Before Summer Vacation Always A Little Sloppy
6/28/2013 - Gay Pride Celebrations Across U.S.
6/28/2013 - Ryan Tannehill Confident Dolphins Can Win A Wide-Ranging Number Of Games Next Season
6/28/2013 - Monica Lewinsky’s Clothes, Negligee Up For Auction
6/28/2013 - Grout Virgins
6/27/2013 - Cleveland Cavaliers Draft Huge Bodybuilder With First Pick
6/27/2013 - Joe Biden's All-Time Hottest Congressional Lays
6/27/2013 - Eminem Terrified As Daughter Begins Dating Man Raised On His Music
6/27/2013 - Texas Executes 500th Prisoner
6/27/2013 - ‘I Would Be Absolutely Perfect For This,’ Report 1,400 People Looking At Same Job Posting
6/27/2013 - Texas Executes 393rd Guilty Prisoner
6/27/2013 - God Proud Of Cockroaches
6/27/2013 - Grandiose Delusion Of Own Self-Importance Only Thing Keeping CEO Alive, Doctors Say
6/27/2013 - 'I Would Be Absolutely Perfect For This,' Report 1,400 People Looking At Same Job Posting
6/27/2013 - Top Prospects Of The 2013 NBA Draft
6/27/2013 - Top Amusement Park Rides Of 2013
6/27/2013 - Pool!
6/27/2013 - Tim Tebow’s Former Teammate Charged With Murder
6/27/2013 - U.S. Home Prices Rise Sharply
6/26/2013 - College World Series: ‘Ping’
6/26/2013 - Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, Alito Suddenly Realize They Will Be Villains In Oscar-Winning Movie One Day
6/26/2013 - Texas Abortion Opponents To Cheer Selves Up With Execution
6/26/2013 - Report: No Gay People Actually Refer To Selves As 'Same-Sex Couple'
6/26/2013 - Bigot Relieved To Learn Gays In His State Still Effectively Subhuman
6/26/2013 - Supreme Court Repeals Defense Of Marriage Act
6/26/2013 - Supreme Court Leaves Final Decision On Gay Marriage In Capable Hands Of Texas, Alabama, Georgia
6/26/2013 - Gay Marriage Opponents Warn Supreme Court Ruling Could Put Nation On Slippery Slope To Rationality
6/26/2013 - Nation Celebrates What Is, Technically Speaking, Progress
6/26/2013 - McDonald's Introduces New 6-Piece Chicken NcNoltes
6/26/2013 - Paula Deen Loses Ham Endorsement Deal
6/26/2013 - Space Wives
6/26/2013 - House With A Basketball Hoop That’s A Bit Lower Than 10 Feet
6/25/2013 - Cat Looking Out Window, Bird Form Unbelievably Intense Fifth-Of-A-Second Bond
6/25/2013 - Obama Announces Major Climate Change Policy
6/25/2013 - Edward Snowden’s Current Options
6/25/2013 - Embarrassed George Lucas Still Just Telling New Wife He Works In Digital Media
6/25/2013 - USA Renews 'Burn Notice,' 'Royal Pains,' 'Burn Collar,' 'Covert Notice,' 'Royal Affairs,' 'Legal Burns'
6/25/2013 - George Zimmerman’s Attorney Opens Second Day Of Trial With Trayvon Martin Impression
6/25/2013 - Silvio Berlusconi Transferred To Steamy All-Female Penitentiary
6/25/2013 - City Of Miami Delighted By Impromptu Parade
6/25/2013 - Well, Time To Go Out In Front Of A Bunch Of People And Lie To Them
6/25/2013 - Chicago Blackhawks Relatively Silence Boston Fans
6/25/2013 - Scientists Probably Discover A New Species Of Frog
6/25/2013 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 25, 2013
6/25/2013 - Twinkies Returning To Stores July 15
6/24/2013 - Edward Snowden Seeks Asylum In Ecuador
6/24/2013 - Johnny Depp Now Physically Unable To Walk Unless Whimsically Teeter-Tottering Across Rolling Log, Wobbly Plank, Or Swaying Beam
6/24/2013 - The Case For And Against George Zimmerman
6/24/2013 - Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar
6/24/2013 - Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar
6/24/2013 - Impatient Nation Demands Supreme Court Just Get To The Gay Stuff
6/24/2013 - Family Tells Ailing Mandela Racism Over
6/24/2013 - Ian McKellen: Live At The Apollo
6/24/2013 - Milk Rushing Through Jug Handle Having The Time Of Its Life
6/24/2013 - Report: 80% Of Subway Track Repairmen Run Over Each Day
6/24/2013 - Register Number One
6/24/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 24, 2013
6/24/2013 - 70% Of Americans Take Prescription Drugs
6/23/2013 - Teamwork Mostly Karen
6/22/2013 - The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday
6/21/2013 - The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border
6/21/2013 - Report: 89% Of Americans Just Want To Go Home Right Now
6/21/2013 - All-Female Jury To Try George Zimmerman
6/21/2013 - Report: It Not Worth Staying Past Fifth Inning Of 83% Of Baseball Games
6/21/2013 - Milk Rushing Through Jug Handle Having The Time Of Its Life
6/21/2013 - Vatican County Fair Sets Record For World's Largest Communion Wafer
6/21/2013 - 10 Steps To Creating Your Own Slideshow!
6/21/2013 - Greatest Coaching Accomplishments In Sports History
6/21/2013 - Australian Aborigine Pop: Will It Survive The Loss of Yothu Yindi Frontman Mandawuy Yunupingu?
6/21/2013 - Heat Fans Wake Up To Learn Team Won Game 7
6/21/2013 - Paula Deen Admits To Saying N-Word, Racist Jokes
6/20/2013 - Heat Franchise Laughs In Nation’s Stupid Fucking Faces For 10 Minutes
6/20/2013 - Rupert Murdoch, Donald Trump, Idi Amin, Joseph Stalin Celebrate Heat Victory
6/20/2013 - WNBA Champions Visit White House Fence
6/20/2013 - Scientists Discover Mollusks Are Next Evolutionary Stage For Humans
6/20/2013 - Government Admits To Using Drones In U.S.
6/20/2013 - LeBron James Announces Retirement
6/20/2013 - World Health Organization: ‘Not Sure How, But Adam Levine’s New Fragrance The Only Antidote To MERS Virus’
6/20/2013 - Study: 80% Of Waking Hours Spent Plotting Revenge
6/20/2013 - McDonald's Considering Franchising Restaurants After 70 Years Of Being Family Owned And Operated
6/20/2013 - Friday, July 5
6/20/2013 - What's Just Out Of Our Reach?
6/20/2013 - Man Calls Trust Fund Savings
6/20/2013 - Nation’s Doctors Classify Obesity As Disease
6/19/2013 - 8 Reasons We Can’t Wait For Jesus To Come Back
6/19/2013 - U.S. To Hold Peace Talks With Taliban
6/19/2013 - Nation Currently More Sympathetic To Demise Of Planet Krypton Than Plight Of Syria
6/19/2013 - New Documentary To Finally Shed Light On Nation’s Fast Food Chains
6/19/2013 - After One Realizes Methadone Clinic Nearby, Behavior Around City Block Makes Sense
6/19/2013 - ESPN Thinks It Can Just Casually Call Something 'Confed Cup'
6/19/2013 - Ecstatic American Indians Praise 'The Lone Ranger'
6/19/2013 - Fully Leveled-Up Video Game Character Marvels At How Far He's Come
6/19/2013 - Audience At Press Conference Relieved To Hear Steps Will Be Taken
6/19/2013 - Kidnapping Going Pretty Smoothly
6/19/2013 - U.S. Citizenry Admits It Could Kind Of Go For Charismatic Authoritarian Dictator
6/19/2013 - Study: Media Biased In Support Of Gay Marriage
6/19/2013 - Wednesday, July 3
6/18/2013 - Supreme Court Blocks Arizona Voter ID Law
6/18/2013 - Ahmadinejad Signs On As Dean At Sarah Lawrence
6/18/2013 - Nation Admits It Always A Little Bored By Whole Jimmy Hoffa Thing
6/18/2013 - Syrian Rebels, Government Think It’s About Time To Call Syria A Day
6/18/2013 - Will Season Four Of ‘Downton Abbey’ Finally Show The Wizards Using Their Powers?
6/18/2013 - NBA Experts Rule Out All The Things NBA Finals Won’t Come Down To
6/18/2013 - Italy, Japan Advance To G8 Finals
6/18/2013 - Financial Sector Thinks It’s About Ready To Ruin World Again
6/18/2013 - Sources: You Don’t Want To Know What Currently Happening To Saudi Arabian Woman
6/18/2013 - Sometimes When Things Get Really Stressful, I Close My Eyes, Sit Back, And Pretend I’m Back In Kenya
6/18/2013 - Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of June 18, 2013
6/18/2013 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 18, 2013
6/18/2013 - Mick Jagger’s Hair Up For Auction
6/17/2013 - Single Woman Has Facebook Profile Picture With Sister
6/17/2013 - Kim Kardashian, Kanye West Have Daughter
6/17/2013 - ‘Whitey Bulger Ordered The Murder Of 19 People,’ Reports Anonymous Rat Bastard
6/17/2013 - New Iranian President Really Impressed With Country’s Nuclear Arms Program
6/17/2013 - Nelson Mandela Admits Thoughts, Prayers Of Millions Played No Part In Recovery
6/17/2013 - The Onion Looks Back At 'The Wizard Of Oz'
6/17/2013 - Michelle Obama Seen Outside Walking Family Rhinoceros
6/17/2013 - Area Man Scores Rimside Seat To NBA Finals
6/17/2013 - Superman Turns 75
6/17/2013 - 'After Earth II' Tanks At Box Office
6/17/2013 - More White Americans Dying Than Being Born
6/17/2013 - Summer Assault
6/17/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 17, 2013
6/16/2013 - Happy Father's Day, Dad vs. Thank You, Disappointment
6/16/2013 - Dad Can’t Believe Lawn Didn’t Get Him Anything For Father’s Day
6/15/2013 - Grandparents’ Cabinets Contain Brand Of Cookies Previously Unknown To Humankind
6/14/2013 - NSA: Surveillance Thwarted ‘Dozens’ Of Terrorist Acts
6/14/2013 - The Week In Sports – Week Of June 14, 2013
6/14/2013 - Stunning E3 Announcement Reveals New Video Game Consoles To Phase Out Graphics Entirely
6/14/2013 - The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For The Active Dad
6/14/2013 - Single Woman Has Facebook Profile Picture With Sister
6/14/2013 - The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For Dad Around The House
6/14/2013 - Loose-Knit Community Not Particularly Shattered By Teen’s Death
6/14/2013 - 0 Fun Weekend Getaways
6/14/2013 - Man Who Plays Game For Millions Of Dollars Called Gutsy
6/14/2013 - 2013 NBA Finals Coverage: The Miami Heat Stomp The Joy Out Of Basketball Forever
6/14/2013 - If Cast And Crew Of Local Production Of ‘The Music Man’ Being Honest, ‘Marian The Librarian’ Number Needs Work
6/14/2013 - Greatest Moments In Stanley Cup Finals History
6/14/2013 - Longest-Living Man In Recorded History Dies At 116
6/13/2013 - Facebook Adds Hashtags
6/13/2013 - Office Exiles Menstruating HR Manager
6/13/2013 - The Government Has No Right To Pry Into What Goes On In The Privacy Of Your Home
6/13/2013 - Wildfires Force Colorado To Airlift Rocky Mountains To Safety
6/13/2013 - Report: Waving Objects Behind Basket Has Only Resulted In 3 Missed Free Throws In NBA History
6/13/2013 - Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed
6/13/2013 - Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed
6/13/2013 - U.S. Census Announces Those People Will Be Majority By 2043
6/13/2013 - Advanced Alien Civilization Discovers Uninhabitable Planet
6/13/2013 - Tiger Woods, Nike Deal Includes New Line Of Sex Toys And Apparel
6/13/2013 - Least Popular Summer Jobs
6/13/2013 - Bloomberg Proposes NYC Climate Change Protection Plan
6/13/2013 - A Tent In The Backyard!
6/13/2013 - Family Kind Of Concerned At How Fast Dad Ate Father’s Day Gift
6/12/2013 - George W. Bush’s Approval Rating Highest In 8 Years
6/12/2013 - New Ultra-Realistic Xbox Game Has Users Press B Repeatedly To Make Character Breathe
6/12/2013 - Report: 250 Million Americans Still Need Guests On Their Podcasts This Week
6/12/2013 - NSA Assures Americans That PRISM 2.0 Will Be Way More Invasive
6/12/2013 - Bengals Fan Confident This The Wake-Up Call Pacman Jones Needed
6/12/2013 - Michael Jordan Hires Patrick Ewing As Bobcats Assistant Coach To Watch Him Lose More
6/12/2013 - Panicked Studio Delays ‘Man Of Steel’ To Get More Shots Of People Looking Up In Awe
6/12/2013 - James Holmes Shows Up To Court Wearing Glasses With Eyeballs Dangling Out On Springs
6/12/2013 - Report: Many Iraqis Still Holding Petty Grudge About U.S. Invasion
6/12/2013 - Nation Mostly Alarmed That Government’s Top Programs Handled By 29-Year-Olds
6/12/2013 - Weird Porno Stops At Kissing
6/12/2013 - Most Americans Okay With NSA Surveillance
6/12/2013 - San Francisco: The City By The Bay
6/11/2013 - Terrorist Living In U.S. Gets Why NSA Spying Such A Complicated Issue
6/11/2013 - Hillary Clinton Joins Twitter
6/11/2013 - Empire State Building Ultimately Supports NSA Spying Measures
6/11/2013 - Guy Typing In All Caps Supports Edward Snowden
6/11/2013 - GOP: ‘We Support Our Nation’s 11 Million Latino Criminals’
6/11/2013 - Brendan Fraser: 'I Would Like To Apply For One Kickstarter, Please'
6/11/2013 - Area Man Outraged His Private Information Being Collected By Someone Other Than Advertisers
6/11/2013 - Renowned Ornithologist Always Secretly Wanted To Be A Bird
6/11/2013 - Patriots To Finally Get Some Media Attention With Tebow Signing
6/11/2013 - Nothing Gets Me Wetter Than A Monotonous Domestic Routine
6/11/2013 - HBO Film Reveals Liberace Was Good Friends With Gay Men
6/11/2013 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 11, 2013
6/11/2013 - Vladimir Putin Divorcing Wife
6/10/2013 - Couple Keeps Marriage Together For Sake Of No One
6/10/2013 - Patriots Sign New Long Snapper
6/10/2013 - Crowd Cheers As 93-Year-Old Fuckup Finally Graduates From College
6/10/2013 - NSA Whistleblower Flees To Hong Kong
6/10/2013 - New Study Finds It Is Impossible To Lose Weight, No One Has Ever Done It, And Those Who Are Trying Should Give Up
6/10/2013 - Ghost Of Alvah Roebuck Enjoying The Hell Out Of Sears’ Decline
6/10/2013 - Poor Bastard Who Just Wanted To See 'After Earth' Really Taking Shit From Theater Employee
6/10/2013 - George R. R. Martin Kills Off Whole Family
6/10/2013 - Report: Get Back To Fucking Work
6/10/2013 - Lockheed Martin Engineer Told To Make It Sear Faces Off Faster
6/10/2013 - Gary Bettman Wondering If He Really Has To Attend Every Game Of Stanley Cup Finals
6/10/2013 - Features Of Apple's New Streaming Music Service
6/10/2013 - A Job With No Benefits
6/10/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 10, 2013
6/10/2013 - 'Archie' To Become Live-Action Film
6/9/2013 - Uncle vs. Uncle
6/9/2013 - Nancy Sullivan
6/8/2013 - The Onion's Coverage Of Internet Privacy
6/8/2013 - Narrow Line Of Dirt Not Being Swept Into Dustpan Without A Fight
6/7/2013 - Couple Keeps Marriage Together For The Sake Of No One
6/7/2013 - U.S. Operating Massive Online Spying Program
6/7/2013 - The Week In Sports – Week Of June 7, 2013
6/7/2013 - Guy 30 Seconds Into Karaoke Version Of ‘Man In The Mirror’ Better Get His Act Together
6/7/2013 - Guy 30 Seconds Into Karaoke Version Of ‘Man In The Mirror’ Better Get His Act Together
6/7/2013 - Paula Deen Releases Delicious New Butter Product Made From Her Breast Milk
6/7/2013 - Strange New Culture Forming On Other End Of Office
6/7/2013 - Three’s Company
6/7/2013 - Coming Out: Is This Teenager Ready To Reveal That He’s Gay?
6/7/2013 - John Tortorella Pacing Around Penn Station Screaming At Total Strangers To Clear Puck Into Neutral Zone
6/7/2013 - Susan G. Komen Cancels Half Its Breast Cancer Races
6/6/2013 - Pat Riley Shows Up To NBA Finals In Signature Bowl Cut
6/6/2013 - NBA Finals
6/6/2013 - Government Collects Citizens’ Phone Records
6/6/2013 - Tim Duncan Argues Theory Of Infinite Divisibility Prevents Any Team From Winning Championship
6/6/2013 - 8 Photos Of You, The Reader
6/6/2013 - 30-Year-Old Factors In Birthday Money
6/6/2013 - Curiosity Rover To Explore Massive Martian Synagogue
6/6/2013 - Shaven, Cologned Grandpa Heads Into Town To Rake In D-Day Pussy
6/6/2013 - Obama Administration Releases Nation’s Phone Records To Public
6/6/2013 - Gregg Popovich Admits Winning Championship This Year Would Mean About The Same As Previous Titles
6/6/2013 - 10
6/6/2013 - Study: 83% Of Gamblers Quit Right Before They Would Have Hit The Big One
6/6/2013 - U Awake?
6/6/2013 - Paul Houseman
6/6/2013 - Extinct Lizard Named After Jim Morrison
6/5/2013 - Oklahoma Tornado Was Largest In U.S. History
6/5/2013 - 'New York Times' Reader Stoked After Noticing Article Penned By Favorite Reporting Duo
6/5/2013 - Nation Wondering What Telegenic, Eloquent Grant Hill Will Do For Money After Retirement
6/5/2013 - Obama Takes Excited Daughters Out For Day Of Drone-Watching
6/5/2013 - Man Invisible On Gchat Observes World From Impregnable Perch
6/5/2013 - Street Musician's Mother Really On His Case About Practicing His Buckets
6/5/2013 - Taylor Swift Enters Alternate Universe To Date Body-Building George Harrison
6/5/2013 - Whale Warts
6/5/2013 - Marriages That Begin Online More Satisfying
6/5/2013 - Oscillating Fan
6/4/2013 - Arena Security Prevents Erik Spoelstra From Celebrating With Miami Heat
6/4/2013 - Supreme Court: Police Can Take DNA During Arrests
6/4/2013 - Local Laundromat Employs Social Media Coordinator
6/4/2013 - If You Wish To Be A Writer, Have Sex With Someone Who Works In Publishing
6/4/2013 - Miami Heat Unable To Tell If Congratulations Are Sarcastic Or Not
6/4/2013 - Kate Middleton Feels Royal Baby Kicking During Queen’s Coronation Anniversary
6/4/2013 - Dollar Tree CEO Officially Unveils Long-Rumored Foil Baking Pan
6/4/2013 - Indiana Pacers Feel Stupid For Believing In Themselves
6/4/2013 - 'The Internship' Poised To Be Biggest Comedy Of 2005
6/4/2013 - Asian Guy Has Separate Group Of Just Asian Friends
6/4/2013 - SPONSORED: Red Lobster: Taking Up The Vanguard In The Fight Against Women In The Workplace
6/4/2013 - 5 Rules To Survive Falling Skies
6/4/2013 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 4, 2013
6/4/2013 - App Claims It Can 'Cure' Homosexuality In 60 Days
6/3/2013 - Lifeguard Hoping To Make Up For Last Summer
6/3/2013 - Put A Ving On It
6/3/2013 - Oh Shit, I Totally Forgot That Happens!
6/3/2013 - ‘After Earth’ Bombs At Box Office
6/3/2013 - Angelina Jolie Stuns In First Rollerblading Competition Since Double Mastectomy
6/3/2013 - Vain Galápagos Tortoise Trying To Pass For 90
6/3/2013 - New Liver Complains Of Difficulty Working With Lou Reed
6/3/2013 - Eric Holder Loads iPod With AP Phone Conversations For Morning Commute
6/3/2013 - 12-Year-Old Camper Excited To Meet Girls Who Will Torture Her For Rest Of Summer
6/3/2013 - Chuck E. Cheese's Announces New Lower Prices, But The Restaurants Will Be Dirtier
6/3/2013 - Most Buzzed-About Kickstarter Campaigns
6/3/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 3, 2013
6/3/2013 - The Feminine Mistake
6/3/2013 - 4 In 10 U.S. Households Headed By Female Breadwinners
6/3/2013 - Netflix Gently Reminds 'Arrested Development' Fans That New Episodes Of The Show Won't Actually Solve World's Problems
6/2/2013 - Marlins Struggling To Get Back Above .300
6/1/2013 - Chris 'Birdman' Andersen
6/1/2013 - Shower Head Snarls Like Vicious Jungle Cat Before Turning On