6/30/2013 - Magic Skateboard

6/28/2013 - Senate Passes Immigration Reform Bill

6/28/2013 - The Week In Sports – Week Of June 28, 2013

6/28/2013 - Scientists Find Link Between How Pathetic You Are, How Fast You Respond To Emails

6/28/2013 - Stanley Cup Shot 11 Times During Chicago Blackhawks Victory Parade

6/28/2013 - Lucky Old Woman Getting Wheeled Around Airport

6/28/2013 - Graffiti Artist Completes Masterwork ‘Still Life Of Marijuana Leaf’

6/28/2013 - Autopsy Of A Scene: Paul Feig Points Out How Many Ghosts Are In This Scene From 'The Heat'

6/28/2013 - 8-Year-Old Boy Surprises Marine Dad During Firefight In Afghanistan

6/28/2013 - Undertaker’s Last Few Embalmings Before Summer Vacation Always A Little Sloppy

6/28/2013 - Ryan Tannehill Confident Dolphins Can Win A Wide-Ranging Number Of Games Next Season

6/28/2013 - Monica Lewinsky’s Clothes, Negligee Up For Auction

6/28/2013 - Grout Virgins

6/27/2013 - Cleveland Cavaliers Draft Huge Bodybuilder With First Pick

6/27/2013 - Joe Biden's All-Time Hottest Congressional Lays

6/27/2013 - Eminem Terrified As Daughter Begins Dating Man Raised On His Music

6/27/2013 - Texas Executes 500th Prisoner

6/27/2013 - ‘I Would Be Absolutely Perfect For This,’ Report 1,400 People Looking At Same Job Posting

6/27/2013 - Texas Executes 393rd Guilty Prisoner

6/27/2013 - God Proud Of Cockroaches

6/27/2013 - Grandiose Delusion Of Own Self-Importance Only Thing Keeping CEO Alive, Doctors Say

6/27/2013 - 'I Would Be Absolutely Perfect For This,' Report 1,400 People Looking At Same Job Posting

6/27/2013 - Top Prospects Of The 2013 NBA Draft

6/27/2013 - Top Amusement Park Rides Of 2013

6/27/2013 - Pool!

6/27/2013 - Tim Tebow’s Former Teammate Charged With Murder

6/27/2013 - U.S. Home Prices Rise Sharply

6/26/2013 - College World Series: ‘Ping’

6/26/2013 - Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, Alito Suddenly Realize They Will Be Villains In Oscar-Winning Movie One Day

6/26/2013 - Texas Abortion Opponents To Cheer Selves Up With Execution

6/26/2013 - Report: No Gay People Actually Refer To Selves As 'Same-Sex Couple'

6/26/2013 - Bigot Relieved To Learn Gays In His State Still Effectively Subhuman

6/26/2013 - Supreme Court Repeals Defense Of Marriage Act

6/26/2013 - Supreme Court Leaves Final Decision On Gay Marriage In Capable Hands Of Texas, Alabama, Georgia

6/26/2013 - Gay Marriage Opponents Warn Supreme Court Ruling Could Put Nation On Slippery Slope To Rationality

6/26/2013 - Nation Celebrates What Is, Technically Speaking, Progress

6/26/2013 - McDonald's Introduces New 6-Piece Chicken NcNoltes

6/26/2013 - Paula Deen Loses Ham Endorsement Deal

6/26/2013 - Space Wives

6/26/2013 - House With A Basketball Hoop That’s A Bit Lower Than 10 Feet

6/25/2013 - Cat Looking Out Window, Bird Form Unbelievably Intense Fifth-Of-A-Second Bond

6/25/2013 - Obama Announces Major Climate Change Policy

6/25/2013 - Edward Snowden’s Current Options

6/25/2013 - Embarrassed George Lucas Still Just Telling New Wife He Works In Digital Media

6/25/2013 - USA Renews 'Burn Notice,' 'Royal Pains,' 'Burn Collar,' 'Covert Notice,' 'Royal Affairs,' 'Legal Burns'

6/25/2013 - George Zimmerman’s Attorney Opens Second Day Of Trial With Trayvon Martin Impression

6/25/2013 - Silvio Berlusconi Transferred To Steamy All-Female Penitentiary

6/25/2013 - City Of Miami Delighted By Impromptu Parade

6/25/2013 - Well, Time To Go Out In Front Of A Bunch Of People And Lie To Them

6/25/2013 - Chicago Blackhawks Relatively Silence Boston Fans

6/25/2013 - Scientists Probably Discover A New Species Of Frog

6/25/2013 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 25, 2013

6/25/2013 - Twinkies Returning To Stores July 15

6/24/2013 - Edward Snowden Seeks Asylum In Ecuador

6/24/2013 - Johnny Depp Now Physically Unable To Walk Unless Whimsically Teeter-Tottering Across Rolling Log, Wobbly Plank, Or Swaying Beam

6/24/2013 - The Case For And Against George Zimmerman

6/24/2013 - Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar

6/24/2013 - Markets In Turmoil As Price Of Money Skyrockets To $90 A Dollar

6/24/2013 - Impatient Nation Demands Supreme Court Just Get To The Gay Stuff

6/24/2013 - Family Tells Ailing Mandela Racism Over

6/24/2013 - Ian McKellen: Live At The Apollo 

6/24/2013 - Milk Rushing Through Jug Handle Having The Time Of Its Life

6/24/2013 - Report: 80% Of Subway Track Repairmen Run Over Each Day

6/24/2013 - Register Number One

6/24/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 24, 2013

6/24/2013 - 70% Of Americans Take Prescription Drugs

6/23/2013 - Teamwork Mostly Karen

6/22/2013 - The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

6/21/2013 - The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

6/21/2013 - Report: 89% Of Americans Just Want To Go Home Right Now

6/21/2013 - All-Female Jury To Try George Zimmerman

6/21/2013 - Report: It Not Worth Staying Past Fifth Inning Of 83% Of Baseball Games

6/21/2013 - Milk Rushing Through Jug Handle Having The Time Of Its Life

6/21/2013 - Vatican County Fair Sets Record For World's Largest Communion Wafer

6/21/2013 - 10 Steps To Creating Your Own Slideshow!

6/21/2013 - Greatest Coaching Accomplishments In Sports History

6/21/2013 - Australian Aborigine Pop: Will It Survive The Loss of Yothu Yindi Frontman Mandawuy Yunupingu?

6/21/2013 - Heat Fans Wake Up To Learn Team Won Game 7

6/21/2013 - Paula Deen Admits To Saying N-Word, Racist Jokes

6/20/2013 - Heat Franchise Laughs In Nation’s Stupid Fucking Faces For 10 Minutes

6/20/2013 - Rupert Murdoch, Donald Trump, Idi Amin, Joseph Stalin Celebrate Heat Victory

6/20/2013 - WNBA Champions Visit White House Fence

6/20/2013 - Scientists Discover Mollusks Are Next Evolutionary Stage For Humans

6/20/2013 - Government Admits To Using Drones In U.S.

6/20/2013 - LeBron James Announces Retirement

6/20/2013 - World Health Organization: ‘Not Sure How, But Adam Levine’s New Fragrance The Only Antidote To MERS Virus’

6/20/2013 - Study: 80% Of Waking Hours Spent Plotting Revenge

6/20/2013 - McDonald's Considering Franchising Restaurants After 70 Years Of Being Family Owned And Operated

6/20/2013 - Friday, July 5

6/20/2013 - What's Just Out Of Our Reach?

6/20/2013 - Man Calls Trust Fund Savings

6/20/2013 - Nation’s Doctors Classify Obesity As Disease

6/19/2013 - 8 Reasons We Can’t Wait For Jesus To Come Back

6/19/2013 - U.S. To Hold Peace Talks With Taliban

6/19/2013 - Nation Currently More Sympathetic To Demise Of Planet Krypton Than Plight Of Syria

6/19/2013 - New Documentary To Finally Shed Light On Nation’s Fast Food Chains

6/19/2013 - After One Realizes Methadone Clinic Nearby, Behavior Around City Block Makes Sense

6/19/2013 - ESPN Thinks It Can Just Casually Call Something 'Confed Cup'

6/19/2013 - Ecstatic American Indians Praise 'The Lone Ranger'

6/19/2013 - Fully Leveled-Up Video Game Character Marvels At How Far He's Come

6/19/2013 - Audience At Press Conference Relieved To Hear Steps Will Be Taken

6/19/2013 - Kidnapping Going Pretty Smoothly

6/19/2013 - U.S. Citizenry Admits It Could Kind Of Go For Charismatic Authoritarian Dictator

6/19/2013 - Study: Media Biased In Support Of Gay Marriage

6/19/2013 - Wednesday, July 3

6/18/2013 - Supreme Court Blocks Arizona Voter ID Law

6/18/2013 - Ahmadinejad Signs On As Dean At Sarah Lawrence

6/18/2013 - Nation Admits It Always A Little Bored By Whole Jimmy Hoffa Thing

6/18/2013 - Syrian Rebels, Government Think It’s About Time To Call Syria A Day

6/18/2013 - Will Season Four Of ‘Downton Abbey’ Finally Show The Wizards Using Their Powers?

6/18/2013 - NBA Experts Rule Out All The Things NBA Finals Won’t Come Down To

6/18/2013 - Italy, Japan Advance To G8 Finals

6/18/2013 - Financial Sector Thinks It’s About Ready To Ruin World Again

6/18/2013 - Sources: You Don’t Want To Know What Currently Happening To Saudi Arabian Woman

6/18/2013 - Sometimes When Things Get Really Stressful, I Close My Eyes, Sit Back, And Pretend I’m Back In Kenya

6/18/2013 - Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of June 18, 2013

6/18/2013 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 18, 2013

6/18/2013 - Mick Jagger’s Hair Up For Auction

6/17/2013 - Single Woman Has Facebook Profile Picture With Sister

6/17/2013 - Kim Kardashian, Kanye West Have Daughter

6/17/2013 - ‘Whitey Bulger Ordered The Murder Of 19 People,’ Reports Anonymous Rat Bastard

6/17/2013 - New Iranian President Really Impressed With Country’s Nuclear Arms Program

6/17/2013 - Nelson Mandela Admits Thoughts, Prayers Of Millions Played No Part In Recovery

6/17/2013 - The Onion Looks Back At 'The Wizard Of Oz'

6/17/2013 - Michelle Obama Seen Outside Walking Family Rhinoceros

6/17/2013 - Area Man Scores Rimside Seat To NBA Finals

6/17/2013 - Superman Turns 75

6/17/2013 - 'After Earth II' Tanks At Box Office

6/17/2013 - More White Americans Dying Than Being Born

6/17/2013 - Summer Assault

6/17/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 17, 2013

6/16/2013 - Happy Father's Day, Dad vs. Thank You, Disappointment

6/16/2013 - Dad Can’t Believe Lawn Didn’t Get Him Anything For Father’s Day

6/15/2013 - Grandparents’ Cabinets Contain Brand Of Cookies Previously Unknown To Humankind

6/14/2013 - NSA: Surveillance Thwarted ‘Dozens’ Of Terrorist Acts

6/14/2013 - The Week In Sports – Week Of June 14, 2013

6/14/2013 - Stunning E3 Announcement Reveals New Video Game Consoles To Phase Out Graphics Entirely

6/14/2013 - The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For The Active Dad

6/14/2013 - Single Woman Has Facebook Profile Picture With Sister

6/14/2013 - The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For Dad Around The House

6/14/2013 - Loose-Knit Community Not Particularly Shattered By Teen’s Death

6/14/2013 - 0 Fun Weekend Getaways

6/14/2013 - Man Who Plays Game For Millions Of Dollars Called Gutsy

6/14/2013 - 2013 NBA Finals Coverage: The Miami Heat Stomp The Joy Out Of Basketball Forever

6/14/2013 - If Cast And Crew Of Local Production Of ‘The Music Man’ Being Honest, ‘Marian The Librarian’ Number Needs Work

6/14/2013 - Greatest Moments In Stanley Cup Finals History

6/14/2013 - Longest-Living Man In Recorded History Dies At 116

6/13/2013 - Facebook Adds Hashtags

6/13/2013 - Office Exiles Menstruating HR Manager

6/13/2013 - The Government Has No Right To Pry Into What Goes On In The Privacy Of Your Home

6/13/2013 - Wildfires Force Colorado To Airlift Rocky Mountains To Safety

6/13/2013 - Report: Waving Objects Behind Basket Has Only Resulted In 3 Missed Free Throws In NBA History

6/13/2013 - Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

6/13/2013 - Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

6/13/2013 - U.S. Census Announces Those People Will Be Majority By 2043

6/13/2013 - Advanced Alien Civilization Discovers Uninhabitable Planet

6/13/2013 - Tiger Woods, Nike Deal Includes New Line Of Sex Toys And Apparel

6/13/2013 - Least Popular Summer Jobs

6/13/2013 - Bloomberg Proposes NYC Climate Change Protection Plan

6/13/2013 - A Tent In The Backyard!

6/13/2013 - Family Kind Of Concerned At How Fast Dad Ate Father’s Day Gift

6/12/2013 - George W. Bush’s Approval Rating Highest In 8 Years

6/12/2013 - New Ultra-Realistic Xbox Game Has Users Press B Repeatedly To Make Character Breathe

6/12/2013 - Report: 250 Million Americans Still Need Guests On Their Podcasts This Week

6/12/2013 - NSA Assures Americans That PRISM 2.0 Will Be Way More Invasive

6/12/2013 - Bengals Fan Confident This The Wake-Up Call Pacman Jones Needed

6/12/2013 - Michael Jordan Hires Patrick Ewing As Bobcats Assistant Coach To Watch Him Lose More

6/12/2013 - Panicked Studio Delays ‘Man Of Steel’ To Get More Shots Of People Looking Up In Awe

6/12/2013 - James Holmes Shows Up To Court Wearing Glasses With Eyeballs Dangling Out On Springs 

6/12/2013 - Report: Many Iraqis Still Holding Petty Grudge About U.S. Invasion

6/12/2013 - Nation Mostly Alarmed That Government’s Top Programs Handled By 29-Year-Olds

6/12/2013 - Weird Porno Stops At Kissing

6/12/2013 - Most Americans Okay With NSA Surveillance

6/12/2013 - San Francisco: The City By The Bay

6/11/2013 - Terrorist Living In U.S. Gets Why NSA Spying Such A Complicated Issue

6/11/2013 - Hillary Clinton Joins Twitter

6/11/2013 - Empire State Building Ultimately Supports NSA Spying Measures

6/11/2013 - Guy Typing In All Caps Supports Edward Snowden

6/11/2013 - GOP: ‘We Support Our Nation’s 11 Million Latino Criminals’

6/11/2013 - Brendan Fraser: 'I Would Like To Apply For One Kickstarter, Please'

6/11/2013 - Area Man Outraged His Private Information Being Collected By Someone Other Than Advertisers

6/11/2013 - Renowned Ornithologist Always Secretly Wanted To Be A Bird

6/11/2013 - Patriots To Finally Get Some Media Attention With Tebow Signing

6/11/2013 - Nothing Gets Me Wetter Than A Monotonous Domestic Routine

6/11/2013 - HBO Film Reveals Liberace Was Good Friends With Gay Men

6/11/2013 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 11, 2013

6/11/2013 - Vladimir Putin Divorcing Wife

6/10/2013 - Couple Keeps Marriage Together For Sake Of No One

6/10/2013 - Patriots Sign New Long Snapper

6/10/2013 - Crowd Cheers As 93-Year-Old Fuckup Finally Graduates From College

6/10/2013 - NSA Whistleblower Flees To Hong Kong

6/10/2013 - New Study Finds It Is Impossible To Lose Weight, No One Has Ever Done It, And Those Who Are Trying Should Give Up

6/10/2013 - Ghost Of Alvah Roebuck Enjoying The Hell Out Of Sears’ Decline

6/10/2013 - Poor Bastard Who Just Wanted To See 'After Earth' Really Taking Shit From Theater Employee

6/10/2013 - George R. R. Martin Kills Off Whole Family

6/10/2013 - Report: Get Back To Fucking Work

6/10/2013 - Lockheed Martin Engineer Told To Make It Sear Faces Off Faster

6/10/2013 - Gary Bettman Wondering If He Really Has To Attend Every Game Of Stanley Cup Finals

6/10/2013 - Features Of Apple's New Streaming Music Service

6/10/2013 - A Job With No Benefits

6/10/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 10, 2013

6/10/2013 - 'Archie' To Become Live-Action Film

6/9/2013 - Uncle vs. Uncle

6/9/2013 - Nancy Sullivan

6/8/2013 - The Onion's Coverage Of Internet Privacy

6/8/2013 - Narrow Line Of Dirt Not Being Swept Into Dustpan Without A Fight

6/7/2013 - Couple Keeps Marriage Together For The Sake Of No One

6/7/2013 - U.S. Operating Massive Online Spying Program

6/7/2013 - The Week In Sports – Week Of June 7, 2013

6/7/2013 - Guy 30 Seconds Into Karaoke Version Of ‘Man In The Mirror’ Better Get His Act Together

6/7/2013 - Guy 30 Seconds Into Karaoke Version Of ‘Man In The Mirror’ Better Get His Act Together

6/7/2013 - Paula Deen Releases Delicious New Butter Product Made From Her Breast Milk

6/7/2013 - Strange New Culture Forming On Other End Of Office

6/7/2013 - Three’s Company

6/7/2013 - Coming Out: Is This Teenager Ready To Reveal That He’s Gay?

6/7/2013 - John Tortorella Pacing Around Penn Station Screaming At Total Strangers To Clear Puck Into Neutral Zone

6/7/2013 - Susan G. Komen Cancels Half Its Breast Cancer Races

6/6/2013 - Pat Riley Shows Up To NBA Finals In Signature Bowl Cut

6/6/2013 - NBA Finals

6/6/2013 - Government Collects Citizens’ Phone Records

6/6/2013 - Tim Duncan Argues Theory Of Infinite Divisibility Prevents Any Team From Winning Championship

6/6/2013 - 8 Photos Of You, The Reader

6/6/2013 - 30-Year-Old Factors In Birthday Money

6/6/2013 - Curiosity Rover To Explore Massive Martian Synagogue

6/6/2013 - Shaven, Cologned Grandpa Heads Into Town To Rake In D-Day Pussy

6/6/2013 - Obama Administration Releases Nation’s Phone Records To Public

6/6/2013 - Gregg Popovich Admits Winning Championship This Year Would Mean About The Same As Previous Titles

6/6/2013 - 10

6/6/2013 - Study: 83% Of Gamblers Quit Right Before They Would Have Hit The Big One

6/6/2013 - U Awake?

6/6/2013 - Paul Houseman

6/6/2013 - Extinct Lizard Named After Jim Morrison

6/5/2013 - Oklahoma Tornado Was Largest In U.S. History

6/5/2013 - 'New York Times' Reader Stoked After Noticing Article Penned By Favorite Reporting Duo

6/5/2013 - Nation Wondering What Telegenic, Eloquent Grant Hill Will Do For Money After Retirement

6/5/2013 - Obama Takes Excited Daughters Out For Day Of Drone-Watching

6/5/2013 - Man Invisible On Gchat Observes World From Impregnable Perch

6/5/2013 - Street Musician's Mother Really On His Case About Practicing His Buckets

6/5/2013 - Taylor Swift Enters Alternate Universe To Date Body-Building George Harrison

6/5/2013 - Whale Warts

6/5/2013 - Marriages That Begin Online More Satisfying

6/5/2013 - Oscillating Fan

6/4/2013 - Arena Security Prevents Erik Spoelstra From Celebrating With Miami Heat

6/4/2013 - Supreme Court: Police Can Take DNA During Arrests

6/4/2013 - Local Laundromat Employs Social Media Coordinator

6/4/2013 - If You Wish To Be A Writer, Have Sex With Someone Who Works In Publishing

6/4/2013 - Miami Heat Unable To Tell If Congratulations Are Sarcastic Or Not

6/4/2013 - Kate Middleton Feels Royal Baby Kicking During Queen’s Coronation Anniversary

6/4/2013 - Dollar Tree CEO Officially Unveils Long-Rumored Foil Baking Pan

6/4/2013 - Indiana Pacers Feel Stupid For Believing In Themselves

6/4/2013 - 'The Internship' Poised To Be Biggest Comedy Of 2005

6/4/2013 - Asian Guy Has Separate Group Of Just Asian Friends

6/4/2013 - SPONSORED: Red Lobster: Taking Up The Vanguard In The Fight Against Women In The Workplace

6/4/2013 - 5 Rules To Survive Falling Skies

6/4/2013 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 4, 2013

6/4/2013 - App Claims It Can 'Cure' Homosexuality In 60 Days

6/3/2013 - Lifeguard Hoping To Make Up For Last Summer

6/3/2013 - Put A Ving On It

6/3/2013 - Oh Shit, I Totally Forgot That Happens!

6/3/2013 - ‘After Earth’ Bombs At Box Office

6/3/2013 - Angelina Jolie Stuns In First Rollerblading Competition Since Double Mastectomy

6/3/2013 - Vain Galápagos Tortoise Trying To Pass For 90

6/3/2013 - New Liver Complains Of Difficulty Working With Lou Reed

6/3/2013 - Eric Holder Loads iPod With AP Phone Conversations For Morning Commute

6/3/2013 - 12-Year-Old Camper Excited To Meet Girls Who Will Torture Her For Rest Of Summer

6/3/2013 - Chuck E. Cheese's Announces New Lower Prices, But The Restaurants Will Be Dirtier

6/3/2013 - Most Buzzed-About Kickstarter Campaigns

6/3/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 3, 2013

6/3/2013 - The Feminine Mistake

6/3/2013 - 4 In 10 U.S. Households Headed By Female Breadwinners

6/3/2013 - Netflix Gently Reminds 'Arrested Development' Fans That New Episodes Of The Show Won't Actually Solve World's Problems

6/2/2013 - Marlins Struggling To Get Back Above .300

6/1/2013 - Chris 'Birdman' Andersen

6/1/2013 - Shower Head Snarls Like Vicious Jungle Cat Before Turning On