3/31/2013 - Injured Andrew Bynum Starting To Wonder If He’ll Ever Waste His Talent Again

3/31/2013 - Mark 

3/30/2013 - Vernon Wells Unsure How He'll Fit In With Aging, Overpaid Yankees

3/29/2013 - 'Shot Clock, Game Clock Off By About 3 Seconds,' Reports Clark Kellogg For 86th Time During Timeout

3/29/2013 - University With 20,000 Applicants To Choose From Somehow Goes With Caitlin

3/29/2013 - Ayman Al-Zawahiri Delivers TEDTalk On Changing Face Of Terrorism

3/29/2013 - Businessman Does His Work Lying On Bed Like Schoolgirl

3/29/2013 - Arizona Gun Advocates Launch Free Shotgun Giveaway

3/29/2013 - Fallen Firefighter Remembered As Idiot Who Sucked At His Job

3/29/2013 - Ashamed Student Affairs Committee Reveals There Aren’t Any Awesome Events Happening On Campus This Weekend

3/29/2013 - Paramount Hoping Overseas Market Will Be Dumb Enough To Embrace Latest Piece Of Shit

3/29/2013 - Taylor Swift Now Dating Senator Joseph McCarthy

3/29/2013 - Best MLB Stadiums

3/29/2013 - At What Age Should You Talk To Your Kids?

3/29/2013 - Court Awards $8K To Man Stuck On Disneyland Ride

3/29/2013 - Businessman Does His Work Lying On Bed Like Schoolgirl

3/28/2013 - Pistorius Allowed To Leave Country, Compete In Races

3/28/2013 - The Onion Once Again Condemns Actor Eric Bana For His Continued Silence On The Issue Of Gay Marriage

3/28/2013 - Mississippi Bans Soft Drinks Smaller Than 20 Ounces

3/28/2013 - Guy With 10,000 Tweets, 15 Followers About Ready To Hang It Up

3/28/2013 - Emotional Wayne LaPierre Honors Victims Of Background Checks

3/28/2013 - Finance Expert Saves Struggling Zoo By Firing All Employees, Getting Rid of Cages

3/28/2013 - Guy With 10,000 Tweets, 15 Followers About Ready To Hang It Up

3/28/2013 - Aquarium Unveils 'Floating Carcasses Of The Pacific' Exhibit

3/28/2013 - Only By Working Together Can We All Cover For My Absolute Lack Of Ability

3/28/2013 - On The Miami Heat's Win Streak Ending After 27 Games

3/28/2013 - What's Our Dog Trying To Tell Us?

3/28/2013 - Jeff Fitzgerald Sr. 

3/28/2013 - North Dakota Enacts Nation’s Strictest Abortion Law

3/27/2013 - Arguments For And Against Same-Sex Marriage

3/27/2013 - Mom Hasn't Ordered Favorite Pizza Topping In Over A Decade

3/27/2013 - Justin Bieber Accused Of Assaulting Neighbor

3/27/2013 - Denny Hamlin's Spine Bone Done Busted

3/27/2013 - Report: It Pretty Incredible That Americans Entrusted With Driving Cars

3/27/2013 - Anderson Cooper Throws Another Box Of Letters From Gay Children Into Dumpster

3/27/2013 - Supreme Court Justices Brought To Tears By Heartfelt Testimony Of Bigot Who Hates Gay People

3/27/2013 - Robert Mapplethorpe Children's Museum Celebrates Grand Opening

3/27/2013 - Tiger Woods Adds New Celebration Where He Slowly Licks Shaft Of Putter

3/27/2013 - Judith Norris

3/27/2013 - Soda Consumption Falls To Lowest Level Since 1996

3/26/2013 - Kim Jong-Un Comes Out In Support Of Gay Marriage: 'I'm Not A Monster'

3/26/2013 - I Feel Very Strongly About The Issue Of Same Sex Marriage Because I Have A Gay Son

3/26/2013 - NIT's Exclusive Eight Vie For Coveted Spots In Last Four

3/26/2013 - Italian Court To Retry Amanda Knox For Murder

3/26/2013 - Jerry Sandusky Pretty Charming In Interview

3/26/2013 - Fulgencio Puts A Ring On It!

3/26/2013 - Wikipedia Users Surprised Nobody's Made Page For John Lennon Yet

3/26/2013 - Kobe Bryant Compiles Helpful List Of 435 Aspects Of Game Antawn Jamison Needs To Improve

3/26/2013 - Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: 'Sure, Who Cares'

3/26/2013 - Stars Of Canceled Show Terrified Fans Will Raise Money For Movie

3/26/2013 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 26, 2013

3/26/2013 - Supreme Court Hears Landmark Gay Marriage Cases

3/25/2013 - Bengal Tigers’ Habitat Down To Studio Apartment In Jaipur, India

3/25/2013 - Jessica Simpson Goes On Tour To Promote The Novel She Read

3/25/2013 - Hi, In The Past 2 Years, You Have Allowed Me To Kill 70,000 People

3/25/2013 - FAA Installs 36,000-Foot-Tall Air Traffic Lights

3/25/2013 - Bill Gates Offers $100K For More Pleasurable Condom

3/25/2013 - Coworker Running NCAA Tournament Pool Really Relishing His One Week Of Significance

3/25/2013 - Man Cautiously Avoids Barnes & Noble Section Where Teens Check Out Graphic Novels

3/25/2013 - Man Has Trouble Growing Full Beard Of Bees

3/25/2013 - North Korea’s War Preparations

3/25/2013 - Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of March 25, 2013

3/25/2013 - Divorced Father Buys String Cheese To Make Coming To His Place Fun

3/25/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 25, 2013

3/25/2013 - CDC: 1 In Every 50 U.S. Schoolchildren Autistic

3/25/2013 - Values In The Gutter

3/24/2013 - Charlotte Bobcats Get Lost While Driving To Basket

3/23/2013 - Area Lady's Gentleman Caller Under Employ Of Jiffy Lube

3/22/2013 - What Should Have Been Waffles Eaten For Breakfast

3/22/2013 - Bengal Tigers’ Habitat Down To Studio Apartment In Jaipur, India

3/22/2013 - Area Woman Thinks All Of Her Friends Should Be Comedians

3/22/2013 - Physicists Confirm They Have Found And Killed The 'God Particle'

3/22/2013 - Universe Older, Wider Than Previously Thought

3/22/2013 - Thrilling Duke-Albany Game Ends With Last-Second Buzzer

3/22/2013 - Supreme Court's Sidekick Kid Justice Killed By Mad Genius Dr. Contempto

3/22/2013 - Area Woman Thinks All Of Her Friends Should Be Comedians

3/22/2013 - End Of Soup Season Can’t Come Soon Enough For Oft-Burned Tongue

3/22/2013 - Old Refrigerator Unable To Control When It Releases Water Anymore

3/22/2013 - Is That Your Tea Kettle Going Off, Or Are You Being Transported Back To A Gentler Time When Women Were Fair And The Riverboat Was King?

3/22/2013 - Ian McKellen Officiating Patrick Stewart’s Wedding

3/21/2013 - Palestinians, Israelis Come Together To Mock Obama's Hopelessly Naive Speech

3/21/2013 - YouTube Reaches 1 Trillion Racist Comments

3/21/2013 - Epic Saga Of Employee's Ineptitude Passed Down Through Generations Of Coworkers

3/21/2013 - Militants Fire Rockets Into Israel During Obama Visit

3/21/2013 - Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Announce They're Just Ordinary Couple Into Depraved Sexual Acts

3/21/2013 - Ashamed Student Affairs Committee Reveals There Aren’t Any Awesome Events Happening On Campus This Weekend

3/21/2013 - Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

3/21/2013 - Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

3/21/2013 - Is This 'Real Life Mr. Ed' Just A Horse Owned By A Lunatic?

3/21/2013 - 2013 NCAA Teams To Watch

3/21/2013 - Amputee Inspires Others Not To Lose Limbs

3/21/2013 - Prophetic Basketball Analyst Predicts There Will Be Upsets During NCAA Tournament

3/21/2013 - House From ‘Home Improvement’

3/21/2013 - 'The Amazing Spider-Man' Turns 50

3/21/2013 - Obama, Rachel Goldstein Really Hitting It Off On Group Trip To Israel

3/21/2013 - Least Popular Dating Websites

3/20/2013 - Ten Years Later, Cheney Haunted By People He Didn't Manage To Kill In Iraq War

3/20/2013 - The Time For Watered-Down And Effectively Meaningless Gun Laws Is Now

3/20/2013 - Obama Sarcastically Asks How Israel Afforded Such A Great Missile Defense System

3/20/2013 - Scarlett Johansson Immediately Rejects Heartwarming Prom Invite From High School Student

3/20/2013 - Itinerary For Obama's Visit To Israel

3/20/2013 - Democrats Give Up On Assault Weapons Ban

3/20/2013 - 'This Is A Pointless Trip,' Obama Says While Shaking Hands With Netanyahu

3/20/2013 - Thousands Of Elderly Japanese-Americans Rounded Up For Internment Camp’s 70th Reunion

3/20/2013 - Boss Really Getting On Man's Ass About Finishing NCAA Bracket

3/20/2013 - Find The Thing You're Most Passionate About, Then Do It On Nights And Weekends For The Rest Of Your Life

3/20/2013 - Splash

3/20/2013 - Place

3/20/2013 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 20, 2013

3/20/2013 - Bloomberg Rule Would Hide Cigarettes From Sight

3/19/2013 - 'What You're Doing Is Weird And Wrong,' Small Voice In Back Of Kim Jong-Un's Head Reports

3/19/2013 - Authorities On Alert As Hundreds Of Crazed Sociopaths Enter Congressional Chambers

3/19/2013 - 'Chapter 1: Clark,' Reports Awful Manuscript

3/19/2013 - 10-Year Anniversary Of Iraq Invasion

3/19/2013 - Authorities On Alert As Hundreds Of Crazed Sociopaths Enter Congressional Chambers

3/19/2013 - Macaulay Culkin Hoping Some 'Funny Or Die' Writer Comes Up With Video Idea For Him

3/19/2013 - Kyle Busch's Car Joins Cast Of ABC's Celebrity Diving Show

3/19/2013 - FDA Relaxes Definition Of Smoothie

3/19/2013 - GOP To Spend $10 Million Reaching Out To Minorities

3/18/2013 - Paul Ryan's Unsettling Budget Plan Reveals He Cuts His Own Hair

3/18/2013 - Nazi Salute Tarnishes Soccer's Otherwise Spotless Reputation For Racial Tolerance

3/18/2013 - Punxsutawney Phil Beheaded For Inaccurate Prediction On Annual Groundhog Slaughtering Day

3/18/2013 - Bold New Pope Shows Crowd In Saint Peter's Square How To Apply Condom

3/18/2013 - Video Of Man Weeping Becomes Viral Hit

3/18/2013 - Video Of Man Weeping Becomes Viral Hit

3/18/2013 - Canadian Prisoners Escape Via Helicopter

3/18/2013 - Packers Fan Blog Just Might Be Area Man’s Ticket Out Of Here

3/18/2013 - Evidence Piling Up Mom Slept With One Of Her College Professors

3/18/2013 - An Airport Security Pig Finds Concealed Truffles

3/18/2013 - NASA Designers Release Flirty New Space Skirt

3/18/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2013

3/18/2013 - Ms. Fortune

3/18/2013 - Earliest Birds Had Four Wings

3/17/2013 - Saturday, March 23

3/17/2013 - Stupid Ponds, Faggy Rivers

3/16/2013 - Father And Son Take Incredibly Sad Annual Trip To Florida To Watch Mets In Spring Training

3/16/2013 - Dad Returns From Business Trip With Exotic Gifts From Idaho

3/15/2013 - Bizarre Assemblage Of Shapes Visible Through Area Man's Pockets

3/15/2013 - Nadal Hits Shot Super Low To The Net

3/15/2013 - GOP Senator Flips On Gay Marriage After Son Comes Out

3/15/2013 - NASA Designers Release Flirty New Space Skirt

3/15/2013 - Pfizer Kingpin Gunned Down In Ongoing Prescription Drug Cartel Turf War

3/15/2013 - Scientists Theorize Existence Of NBA Roster Capable Of Supporting Dwight Howard

3/15/2013 - 2013 Spring Training Highlights

3/15/2013 - Attorney Friends Catch Up While Briskly Walking Down Courthouse Steps

3/15/2013 - Powerful Women In The Workplace: Are We Doing Enough To Prevent This From Ever Happening?

3/15/2013 - NASA Is Baffled By The Failure Of Its Straw Shuttle

3/15/2013 - 'Veronica Mars' Film Sets Kickstarter Fundraising Record

3/15/2013 - America’s Meatiest Forearms

3/15/2013 - I Am Old And Confused And Paralyzed With Sexual Frustration

3/14/2013 - David Ortiz Listed As Season-To-Season

3/14/2013 - Company Immediately Calls Job Applicant Upon Seeing 'B.A. In Communications' On Résumé

3/14/2013 - Top 10 Most Adorable Dogs!

3/14/2013 - Company Immediately Calls Job Applicant Upon Seeing ‘B.A. In Communications’ On Résumé

3/14/2013 - 14-Year-Old Congressional Whiz Kid Balances Budget

3/14/2013 - Amazing Dance Prodigy Hopes New Ballet Will Inspire Her Dad To Notice Her For Once

3/14/2013 - My God, What Have We Done?

3/14/2013 - Disney To Debut New Mickey Mouse Cartoons

3/14/2013 - First Latin American Pope Chosen

3/14/2013 - Next Episode Of 'Girls' To Feature Lena Dunham Shitting Herself During Gyno Exam While Eating A Burrito

3/14/2013 - Saturday, March 23

3/13/2013 - Pope Francis Resigns

3/13/2013 - Scientists Discover The Gene That Makes You Eat The Whole God Damn Bag Of Chips

3/13/2013 - Opposition To Soda Ban Sad Proof That Americans Still Fight For What They Believe In

3/13/2013 - Who Is Pope Francis?

3/13/2013 - Pope Insanity MXLV Selected

3/13/2013 - Snowman Sucks

3/13/2013 - Military-Trained Ukrainian ‘Killer’ Dolphins On Loose

3/13/2013 - Impressive WBC Showing Gives Orlando Yntema Leverage At UVV Utrecht Contract Negotiations

3/13/2013 - Sometimes I Wonder What Life Would Be Like If I Hadn’t Turned Down ‘Star Wars’ And Thrown Natalie Wood Off That Boat

3/13/2013 - Mom Calmly Emptying Dishwasher As If Shrieking Argument Didn’t Happen 10 Minutes Ago

3/13/2013 - Rigorous Battery Of Tests Unable To Determine If Roommate Broke Up With Girlfriend

3/13/2013 - CDC: Drug-Resistant Bacteria Pose ‘Nightmare’ Threat

3/13/2013 - Tuesday, March 19

3/13/2013 - The Bible

3/12/2013 - The 8 Worst-Dressed At The Papal Conclave

3/12/2013 - Arm & Hammer Representative Starting To Wonder What He's Doing At SXSW

3/12/2013 - James Holmes’ Arraignment Delayed As Court Struggles To Remember Which Mass Shooter He Is

3/12/2013 - Judge Blocks New York City’s Soda Ban

3/12/2013 - Nervous Pope Candidate Changes Wine Into Jesus Christ's Urine

3/12/2013 - Richard Simmons Fighting For Life In Estrogen Tent

3/12/2013 - Kim Jong-Un, Justin Timberlake Meet To Pick New Pope, According To Shameless Attempt To Increase Web Traffic

3/12/2013 - No One In Gang Has Heart To Tell Police Informant His Cover's Blown

3/12/2013 - How The Papal Conclave Selects The Pope

3/12/2013 - 450-Pound Man Didn't Go To Doctor For A Lecture

3/12/2013 - Papal Conclave Begins At Vatican

3/11/2013 - Singing Dancing Boy Upset

3/11/2013 - ‘It’s Like Biggie And Tupac All Over Again,’ Says Dumbass Of Korean Conflict

3/11/2013 - Word ‘Innovate’ Said 650,000 Times At SXSW So Far

3/11/2013 - 2,800 Pig Carcasses Found In Chinese Drinking Water

3/11/2013 - SXSW As Cool And As Real As It Gets, Reports Marketing Associate

3/11/2013 - Iowa Fashion Week Begins

3/11/2013 - Company Lacks Manpower To Complete Newest Round Of Layoffs

3/11/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 11, 2013

3/11/2013 - Get A Grip

3/11/2013 - Ancient Giant Camel Found In Arctic

3/10/2013 - Stephen A. Smith's Dismissive Attitude Toward Hockey Gets People To Like Hockey

3/9/2013 - Basketball Coach Sees Something In 7’3” High School Sophomore

3/9/2013 - Jogger Horrified By Discovery Of Own Gruesome Body

3/9/2013 - Albany Bucket Museum

3/8/2013 - God Worried He Fucked Up His Children

3/8/2013 - Dead Werewolf Was Apparently Allergic To Peanuts

3/8/2013 - Justin Bieber Hospitalized After Fainting At Concert

3/8/2013 - ‘You’re My Best Friend,’ Says Obama To Drone That Appears Outside Bedroom Window Every Night

3/8/2013 - Cruel Owner Chains Bike Outside In Freezing Weather

3/8/2013 - Andrea Bocelli Smelling The Shit Out Of Red Rose

3/8/2013 - Assassinating Shamu And 14 Other Embarrassing Failed Terrorist Plots

3/8/2013 - Let's Talk About How Fast I Can Run

3/8/2013 - Tim Duncan Around If Any Spurs Have Questions About Sequester

3/8/2013 - FBI Tracks Down Elusive Picture-Disc Version Of Herb Alpert’s ‘Whipped Cream And Other Delights’

3/8/2013 - Onion Sports' Guide To The 2013 NCAA Bubble Teams

3/8/2013 - TSA To Allow Small Knives On Planes

3/8/2013 - Shady New Wendy's Deal Offering Five Hamburgers For Free, No Questions Asked

3/7/2013 - Guy's Entire Job Just Asking People If They Have Time For A Quick Chat

3/7/2013 - TSA To Allow Small Terrorists On Planes

3/7/2013 - Rand Paul Filibusters For 13 Hours To Protest Drones

3/7/2013 - Crazed Gunman Critically Injures 4

3/7/2013 - The Gunman Tragedy: A Recap Of The Onion’s Coverage

3/7/2013 - Photo Of Masked Gunman Released

3/7/2013 - Police Continue Search For Missing Gunman

3/7/2013 - Lone Gunman Enters Crowded Restaurant

3/7/2013 - Gunman Kills Zero At Kansas City Area Mall

3/7/2013 - Value Of U.S. Dollar Plummets After Joe Flacco Signs NFL's Richest Contract

3/7/2013 - Least Popular Pope Names

3/7/2013 - Thin Mints Exchange Hurried Farewells As Carol Enters Breakroom

3/7/2013 - New Samsung Phone To Be Controlled By Eye Movements

3/7/2013 - Obama Issues Presidential Pardon To Get Biden Out Of Jail For Third Time This Year

3/6/2013 - Dow Jones Index Reaches Record High

3/6/2013 - Wait, Why Can't We Eat Other People Again?

3/6/2013 - New Social Media Startup Launches, Shuts Down Within 45 Minutes

3/6/2013 - Pretty Cute Watching Boston Residents Play Daily Game Of ‘Big City’

3/6/2013 - Man Not Sure He’s Dynamic Enough To Work At Local Marketing Firm

3/6/2013 - 231 CIA Agents Killed In Overt Ops Mission

3/6/2013 - Jets Say Tim Tebow May Still Have Prominent Role As Scapegoat

3/6/2013 - Man Not Sure He’s Dynamic Enough To Work At Local Marketing Firm

3/6/2013 - Grandma's House

3/6/2013 - Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez Dies

3/6/2013 - U.N. Aid Workers Distributing Food To Malnourished KFC Customers

3/6/2013 - Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of March 6, 2013

3/5/2013 - Romney Blames Loss On Successfully Communicating His Message To Minorities 

3/5/2013 - Cancer Topples Chavez In Bloodless Coup

3/5/2013 - Appearance Of Dennis Rodman Most Normal Thing To Happen In North Korea

3/5/2013 - Poll: 99% Of Human Beings Would Prefer Big, Slobbery Hound Dog Pope

3/5/2013 - Second Sinkhole Opens In Tampa

3/5/2013 - Chicago Man Brushes Mound Of Snow From Beef Sandwich Before Eating It

3/5/2013 - Area Man Unsure If He’s Supposed To Want Hugo Chavez To Die Or Not

3/5/2013 - Headline With Words ‘HIV Baby’ In It Somehow Turns Out Okay

3/5/2013 - Obnoxious Friend Won't Stop Attaining Major Life Milestones

3/5/2013 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 5, 2013

3/5/2013 - Sharks At Risk Of Extinction From Overfishing

3/4/2013 - Girls Gone Wild Bankruptcy Forces Thousands Of Wet, Wild Party Girls Into Tough Job Market

3/4/2013 - $52 Million Guaranteed Wasted

3/4/2013 - Giant Hole Swallowing Up Your House Added To List Of Things To Worry About

3/4/2013 - Boyfriend Forced To Express Secondhand Outrage

3/4/2013 - Baby Cured Of HIV

3/4/2013 - Child Who Just Lost Balloon Begins Lifelong Battle With Depression

3/4/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 4, 2013

3/4/2013 - Dr. Seuss' Lesser-Known Titles

3/4/2013 - Retiring Pope Half-Heartedly Suggests Grabbing Lunch Sometime With God

3/4/2013 - You've Got Fail

3/4/2013 - Rats’ Brains Connected Via Internet

3/3/2013 - Battle Of Wits With Unwieldy Burrito Nears Thrilling Endgame

3/2/2013 - Josh Lemberg

3/2/2013 - Sacramento Kings Perfectly Execute Throw-Ball-Out-Of-Bounds Play

3/1/2013 - New Study Finds 'The Onion' Has Never Been More Popular, More Beloved, Or More Respected

3/1/2013 - Look, It’s Come Down To This: Either I Have To Murder John Boehner Or He Has To Murder Me

3/1/2013 - Netflix Sends Message To Check If Area Man Okay After Watching Entire Season Of ‘Sons Of Anarchy’ In Single Sitting

3/1/2013 - Dennis Rodman Calls Kim Jong-Un 'Awesome Guy'

3/1/2013 - NFL's Top 2013 Free Agents

3/1/2013 - 3 Cool Lighters We Found At Our Uncle's House

3/1/2013 - Netflix Sends Message To Check If Area Man Okay After Watching Entire Season Of ‘Sons Of Anarchy’ In Single Sitting

3/1/2013 - Final Police Report: Only 20,000 Killed During Ravens' Super Bowl Parade

3/1/2013 - God: At Times It Felt Like The Pope Had One Foot Out The Door

3/1/2013 - Barber Just Latest In String Of Humans To Feign Interest In What Area Man Says

3/1/2013 - Loyal Driveway Patiently Waiting For Owner To Return From Work

3/1/2013 - Millionaire To Send Married Couple To Mars