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2013 March
3/31/2013 - Injured Andrew Bynum Starting To Wonder If He’ll Ever Waste His Talent Again
3/31/2013 - Mark
3/30/2013 - Vernon Wells Unsure How He'll Fit In With Aging, Overpaid Yankees
3/29/2013 - 'Shot Clock, Game Clock Off By About 3 Seconds,' Reports Clark Kellogg For 86th Time During Timeout
3/29/2013 - University With 20,000 Applicants To Choose From Somehow Goes With Caitlin
3/29/2013 - Ayman Al-Zawahiri Delivers TEDTalk On Changing Face Of Terrorism
3/29/2013 - Businessman Does His Work Lying On Bed Like Schoolgirl
3/29/2013 - Arizona Gun Advocates Launch Free Shotgun Giveaway
3/29/2013 - Fallen Firefighter Remembered As Idiot Who Sucked At His Job
3/29/2013 - Ashamed Student Affairs Committee Reveals There Aren’t Any Awesome Events Happening On Campus This Weekend
3/29/2013 - Paramount Hoping Overseas Market Will Be Dumb Enough To Embrace Latest Piece Of Shit
3/29/2013 - Taylor Swift Now Dating Senator Joseph McCarthy
3/29/2013 - Best MLB Stadiums
3/29/2013 - At What Age Should You Talk To Your Kids?
3/29/2013 - Court Awards $8K To Man Stuck On Disneyland Ride
3/29/2013 - Businessman Does His Work Lying On Bed Like Schoolgirl
3/28/2013 - Pistorius Allowed To Leave Country, Compete In Races
3/28/2013 - The Onion Once Again Condemns Actor Eric Bana For His Continued Silence On The Issue Of Gay Marriage
3/28/2013 - Mississippi Bans Soft Drinks Smaller Than 20 Ounces
3/28/2013 - Guy With 10,000 Tweets, 15 Followers About Ready To Hang It Up
3/28/2013 - Emotional Wayne LaPierre Honors Victims Of Background Checks
3/28/2013 - Finance Expert Saves Struggling Zoo By Firing All Employees, Getting Rid of Cages
3/28/2013 - Guy With 10,000 Tweets, 15 Followers About Ready To Hang It Up
3/28/2013 - Aquarium Unveils 'Floating Carcasses Of The Pacific' Exhibit
3/28/2013 - Only By Working Together Can We All Cover For My Absolute Lack Of Ability
3/28/2013 - On The Miami Heat's Win Streak Ending After 27 Games
3/28/2013 - What's Our Dog Trying To Tell Us?
3/28/2013 - Jeff Fitzgerald Sr.
3/28/2013 - North Dakota Enacts Nation’s Strictest Abortion Law
3/27/2013 - Arguments For And Against Same-Sex Marriage
3/27/2013 - Mom Hasn't Ordered Favorite Pizza Topping In Over A Decade
3/27/2013 - Justin Bieber Accused Of Assaulting Neighbor
3/27/2013 - Denny Hamlin's Spine Bone Done Busted
3/27/2013 - Report: It Pretty Incredible That Americans Entrusted With Driving Cars
3/27/2013 - Anderson Cooper Throws Another Box Of Letters From Gay Children Into Dumpster
3/27/2013 - Supreme Court Justices Brought To Tears By Heartfelt Testimony Of Bigot Who Hates Gay People
3/27/2013 - Robert Mapplethorpe Children's Museum Celebrates Grand Opening
3/27/2013 - Tiger Woods Adds New Celebration Where He Slowly Licks Shaft Of Putter
3/27/2013 - Judith Norris
3/27/2013 - Soda Consumption Falls To Lowest Level Since 1996
3/26/2013 - Kim Jong-Un Comes Out In Support Of Gay Marriage: 'I'm Not A Monster'
3/26/2013 - I Feel Very Strongly About The Issue Of Same Sex Marriage Because I Have A Gay Son
3/26/2013 - NIT's Exclusive Eight Vie For Coveted Spots In Last Four
3/26/2013 - Italian Court To Retry Amanda Knox For Murder
3/26/2013 - Jerry Sandusky Pretty Charming In Interview
3/26/2013 - Fulgencio Puts A Ring On It!
3/26/2013 - Wikipedia Users Surprised Nobody's Made Page For John Lennon Yet
3/26/2013 - Kobe Bryant Compiles Helpful List Of 435 Aspects Of Game Antawn Jamison Needs To Improve
3/26/2013 - Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: 'Sure, Who Cares'
3/26/2013 - Stars Of Canceled Show Terrified Fans Will Raise Money For Movie
3/26/2013 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 26, 2013
3/26/2013 - Supreme Court Hears Landmark Gay Marriage Cases
3/25/2013 - Bengal Tigers’ Habitat Down To Studio Apartment In Jaipur, India
3/25/2013 - Jessica Simpson Goes On Tour To Promote The Novel She Read
3/25/2013 - Hi, In The Past 2 Years, You Have Allowed Me To Kill 70,000 People
3/25/2013 - FAA Installs 36,000-Foot-Tall Air Traffic Lights
3/25/2013 - Bill Gates Offers $100K For More Pleasurable Condom
3/25/2013 - Coworker Running NCAA Tournament Pool Really Relishing His One Week Of Significance
3/25/2013 - Man Cautiously Avoids Barnes & Noble Section Where Teens Check Out Graphic Novels
3/25/2013 - Man Has Trouble Growing Full Beard Of Bees
3/25/2013 - North Korea’s War Preparations
3/25/2013 - Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of March 25, 2013
3/25/2013 - Divorced Father Buys String Cheese To Make Coming To His Place Fun
3/25/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 25, 2013
3/25/2013 - CDC: 1 In Every 50 U.S. Schoolchildren Autistic
3/25/2013 - Values In The Gutter
3/24/2013 - Charlotte Bobcats Get Lost While Driving To Basket
3/23/2013 - Area Lady's Gentleman Caller Under Employ Of Jiffy Lube
3/22/2013 - What Should Have Been Waffles Eaten For Breakfast
3/22/2013 - Bengal Tigers’ Habitat Down To Studio Apartment In Jaipur, India
3/22/2013 - Area Woman Thinks All Of Her Friends Should Be Comedians
3/22/2013 - Physicists Confirm They Have Found And Killed The 'God Particle'
3/22/2013 - Universe Older, Wider Than Previously Thought
3/22/2013 - Thrilling Duke-Albany Game Ends With Last-Second Buzzer
3/22/2013 - Supreme Court's Sidekick Kid Justice Killed By Mad Genius Dr. Contempto
3/22/2013 - Area Woman Thinks All Of Her Friends Should Be Comedians
3/22/2013 - End Of Soup Season Can’t Come Soon Enough For Oft-Burned Tongue
3/22/2013 - Old Refrigerator Unable To Control When It Releases Water Anymore
3/22/2013 - Is That Your Tea Kettle Going Off, Or Are You Being Transported Back To A Gentler Time When Women Were Fair And The Riverboat Was King?
3/22/2013 - Ian McKellen Officiating Patrick Stewart’s Wedding
3/21/2013 - Palestinians, Israelis Come Together To Mock Obama's Hopelessly Naive Speech
3/21/2013 - YouTube Reaches 1 Trillion Racist Comments
3/21/2013 - Epic Saga Of Employee's Ineptitude Passed Down Through Generations Of Coworkers
3/21/2013 - Militants Fire Rockets Into Israel During Obama Visit
3/21/2013 - Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Announce They're Just Ordinary Couple Into Depraved Sexual Acts
3/21/2013 - Ashamed Student Affairs Committee Reveals There Aren’t Any Awesome Events Happening On Campus This Weekend
3/21/2013 - Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda
3/21/2013 - Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda
3/21/2013 - Is This 'Real Life Mr. Ed' Just A Horse Owned By A Lunatic?
3/21/2013 - 2013 NCAA Teams To Watch
3/21/2013 - Amputee Inspires Others Not To Lose Limbs
3/21/2013 - Prophetic Basketball Analyst Predicts There Will Be Upsets During NCAA Tournament
3/21/2013 - House From ‘Home Improvement’
3/21/2013 - 'The Amazing Spider-Man' Turns 50
3/21/2013 - Obama, Rachel Goldstein Really Hitting It Off On Group Trip To Israel
3/21/2013 - Least Popular Dating Websites
3/20/2013 - Ten Years Later, Cheney Haunted By People He Didn't Manage To Kill In Iraq War
3/20/2013 - The Time For Watered-Down And Effectively Meaningless Gun Laws Is Now
3/20/2013 - Obama Sarcastically Asks How Israel Afforded Such A Great Missile Defense System
3/20/2013 - Scarlett Johansson Immediately Rejects Heartwarming Prom Invite From High School Student
3/20/2013 - Itinerary For Obama's Visit To Israel
3/20/2013 - Democrats Give Up On Assault Weapons Ban
3/20/2013 - 'This Is A Pointless Trip,' Obama Says While Shaking Hands With Netanyahu
3/20/2013 - Thousands Of Elderly Japanese-Americans Rounded Up For Internment Camp’s 70th Reunion
3/20/2013 - Boss Really Getting On Man's Ass About Finishing NCAA Bracket
3/20/2013 - Find The Thing You're Most Passionate About, Then Do It On Nights And Weekends For The Rest Of Your Life
3/20/2013 - Splash
3/20/2013 - Place
3/20/2013 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 20, 2013
3/20/2013 - Bloomberg Rule Would Hide Cigarettes From Sight
3/19/2013 - 'What You're Doing Is Weird And Wrong,' Small Voice In Back Of Kim Jong-Un's Head Reports
3/19/2013 - Authorities On Alert As Hundreds Of Crazed Sociopaths Enter Congressional Chambers
3/19/2013 - 'Chapter 1: Clark,' Reports Awful Manuscript
3/19/2013 - 10-Year Anniversary Of Iraq Invasion
3/19/2013 - Authorities On Alert As Hundreds Of Crazed Sociopaths Enter Congressional Chambers
3/19/2013 - Macaulay Culkin Hoping Some 'Funny Or Die' Writer Comes Up With Video Idea For Him
3/19/2013 - Kyle Busch's Car Joins Cast Of ABC's Celebrity Diving Show
3/19/2013 - FDA Relaxes Definition Of Smoothie
3/19/2013 - GOP To Spend $10 Million Reaching Out To Minorities
3/18/2013 - Paul Ryan's Unsettling Budget Plan Reveals He Cuts His Own Hair
3/18/2013 - Nazi Salute Tarnishes Soccer's Otherwise Spotless Reputation For Racial Tolerance
3/18/2013 - Punxsutawney Phil Beheaded For Inaccurate Prediction On Annual Groundhog Slaughtering Day
3/18/2013 - Bold New Pope Shows Crowd In Saint Peter's Square How To Apply Condom
3/18/2013 - Video Of Man Weeping Becomes Viral Hit
3/18/2013 - Video Of Man Weeping Becomes Viral Hit
3/18/2013 - Canadian Prisoners Escape Via Helicopter
3/18/2013 - Packers Fan Blog Just Might Be Area Man’s Ticket Out Of Here
3/18/2013 - Evidence Piling Up Mom Slept With One Of Her College Professors
3/18/2013 - An Airport Security Pig Finds Concealed Truffles
3/18/2013 - NASA Designers Release Flirty New Space Skirt
3/18/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 18, 2013
3/18/2013 - Ms. Fortune
3/18/2013 - Earliest Birds Had Four Wings
3/17/2013 - Saturday, March 23
3/17/2013 - Stupid Ponds, Faggy Rivers
3/16/2013 - Father And Son Take Incredibly Sad Annual Trip To Florida To Watch Mets In Spring Training
3/16/2013 - Dad Returns From Business Trip With Exotic Gifts From Idaho
3/15/2013 - Bizarre Assemblage Of Shapes Visible Through Area Man's Pockets
3/15/2013 - Nadal Hits Shot Super Low To The Net
3/15/2013 - GOP Senator Flips On Gay Marriage After Son Comes Out
3/15/2013 - NASA Designers Release Flirty New Space Skirt
3/15/2013 - Pfizer Kingpin Gunned Down In Ongoing Prescription Drug Cartel Turf War
3/15/2013 - Scientists Theorize Existence Of NBA Roster Capable Of Supporting Dwight Howard
3/15/2013 - 2013 Spring Training Highlights
3/15/2013 - Attorney Friends Catch Up While Briskly Walking Down Courthouse Steps
3/15/2013 - Powerful Women In The Workplace: Are We Doing Enough To Prevent This From Ever Happening?
3/15/2013 - NASA Is Baffled By The Failure Of Its Straw Shuttle
3/15/2013 - 'Veronica Mars' Film Sets Kickstarter Fundraising Record
3/15/2013 - America’s Meatiest Forearms
3/15/2013 - I Am Old And Confused And Paralyzed With Sexual Frustration
3/14/2013 - David Ortiz Listed As Season-To-Season
3/14/2013 - Company Immediately Calls Job Applicant Upon Seeing 'B.A. In Communications' On Résumé
3/14/2013 - Top 10 Most Adorable Dogs!
3/14/2013 - Company Immediately Calls Job Applicant Upon Seeing ‘B.A. In Communications’ On Résumé
3/14/2013 - 14-Year-Old Congressional Whiz Kid Balances Budget
3/14/2013 - Amazing Dance Prodigy Hopes New Ballet Will Inspire Her Dad To Notice Her For Once
3/14/2013 - My God, What Have We Done?
3/14/2013 - Disney To Debut New Mickey Mouse Cartoons
3/14/2013 - First Latin American Pope Chosen
3/14/2013 - Next Episode Of 'Girls' To Feature Lena Dunham Shitting Herself During Gyno Exam While Eating A Burrito
3/14/2013 - Saturday, March 23
3/13/2013 - Pope Francis Resigns
3/13/2013 - Scientists Discover The Gene That Makes You Eat The Whole God Damn Bag Of Chips
3/13/2013 - Opposition To Soda Ban Sad Proof That Americans Still Fight For What They Believe In
3/13/2013 - Who Is Pope Francis?
3/13/2013 - Pope Insanity MXLV Selected
3/13/2013 - Snowman Sucks
3/13/2013 - Military-Trained Ukrainian ‘Killer’ Dolphins On Loose
3/13/2013 - Impressive WBC Showing Gives Orlando Yntema Leverage At UVV Utrecht Contract Negotiations
3/13/2013 - Sometimes I Wonder What Life Would Be Like If I Hadn’t Turned Down ‘Star Wars’ And Thrown Natalie Wood Off That Boat
3/13/2013 - Mom Calmly Emptying Dishwasher As If Shrieking Argument Didn’t Happen 10 Minutes Ago
3/13/2013 - Rigorous Battery Of Tests Unable To Determine If Roommate Broke Up With Girlfriend
3/13/2013 - CDC: Drug-Resistant Bacteria Pose ‘Nightmare’ Threat
3/13/2013 - Tuesday, March 19
3/13/2013 - The Bible
3/12/2013 - The 8 Worst-Dressed At The Papal Conclave
3/12/2013 - Arm & Hammer Representative Starting To Wonder What He's Doing At SXSW
3/12/2013 - James Holmes’ Arraignment Delayed As Court Struggles To Remember Which Mass Shooter He Is
3/12/2013 - Judge Blocks New York City’s Soda Ban
3/12/2013 - Nervous Pope Candidate Changes Wine Into Jesus Christ's Urine
3/12/2013 - Richard Simmons Fighting For Life In Estrogen Tent
3/12/2013 - Kim Jong-Un, Justin Timberlake Meet To Pick New Pope, According To Shameless Attempt To Increase Web Traffic
3/12/2013 - No One In Gang Has Heart To Tell Police Informant His Cover's Blown
3/12/2013 - How The Papal Conclave Selects The Pope
3/12/2013 - 450-Pound Man Didn't Go To Doctor For A Lecture
3/12/2013 - Papal Conclave Begins At Vatican
3/11/2013 - Singing Dancing Boy Upset
3/11/2013 - ‘It’s Like Biggie And Tupac All Over Again,’ Says Dumbass Of Korean Conflict
3/11/2013 - Word ‘Innovate’ Said 650,000 Times At SXSW So Far
3/11/2013 - 2,800 Pig Carcasses Found In Chinese Drinking Water
3/11/2013 - SXSW As Cool And As Real As It Gets, Reports Marketing Associate
3/11/2013 - Iowa Fashion Week Begins
3/11/2013 - Company Lacks Manpower To Complete Newest Round Of Layoffs
3/11/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 11, 2013
3/11/2013 - Get A Grip
3/11/2013 - Ancient Giant Camel Found In Arctic
3/10/2013 - Stephen A. Smith's Dismissive Attitude Toward Hockey Gets People To Like Hockey
3/9/2013 - Basketball Coach Sees Something In 7’3” High School Sophomore
3/9/2013 - Jogger Horrified By Discovery Of Own Gruesome Body
3/9/2013 - Albany Bucket Museum
3/8/2013 - God Worried He Fucked Up His Children
3/8/2013 - Dead Werewolf Was Apparently Allergic To Peanuts
3/8/2013 - Justin Bieber Hospitalized After Fainting At Concert
3/8/2013 - ‘You’re My Best Friend,’ Says Obama To Drone That Appears Outside Bedroom Window Every Night
3/8/2013 - Cruel Owner Chains Bike Outside In Freezing Weather
3/8/2013 - Andrea Bocelli Smelling The Shit Out Of Red Rose
3/8/2013 - Assassinating Shamu And 14 Other Embarrassing Failed Terrorist Plots
3/8/2013 - Let's Talk About How Fast I Can Run
3/8/2013 - Tim Duncan Around If Any Spurs Have Questions About Sequester
3/8/2013 - FBI Tracks Down Elusive Picture-Disc Version Of Herb Alpert’s ‘Whipped Cream And Other Delights’
3/8/2013 - Onion Sports' Guide To The 2013 NCAA Bubble Teams
3/8/2013 - TSA To Allow Small Knives On Planes
3/8/2013 - Shady New Wendy's Deal Offering Five Hamburgers For Free, No Questions Asked
3/7/2013 - Guy's Entire Job Just Asking People If They Have Time For A Quick Chat
3/7/2013 - TSA To Allow Small Terrorists On Planes
3/7/2013 - Rand Paul Filibusters For 13 Hours To Protest Drones
3/7/2013 - Crazed Gunman Critically Injures 4
3/7/2013 - The Gunman Tragedy: A Recap Of The Onion’s Coverage
3/7/2013 - Photo Of Masked Gunman Released
3/7/2013 - Police Continue Search For Missing Gunman
3/7/2013 - Lone Gunman Enters Crowded Restaurant
3/7/2013 - Gunman Kills Zero At Kansas City Area Mall
3/7/2013 - Value Of U.S. Dollar Plummets After Joe Flacco Signs NFL's Richest Contract
3/7/2013 - Least Popular Pope Names
3/7/2013 - Thin Mints Exchange Hurried Farewells As Carol Enters Breakroom
3/7/2013 - New Samsung Phone To Be Controlled By Eye Movements
3/7/2013 - Obama Issues Presidential Pardon To Get Biden Out Of Jail For Third Time This Year
3/6/2013 - Dow Jones Index Reaches Record High
3/6/2013 - Wait, Why Can't We Eat Other People Again?
3/6/2013 - New Social Media Startup Launches, Shuts Down Within 45 Minutes
3/6/2013 - Pretty Cute Watching Boston Residents Play Daily Game Of ‘Big City’
3/6/2013 - Man Not Sure He’s Dynamic Enough To Work At Local Marketing Firm
3/6/2013 - 231 CIA Agents Killed In Overt Ops Mission
3/6/2013 - Jets Say Tim Tebow May Still Have Prominent Role As Scapegoat
3/6/2013 - Man Not Sure He’s Dynamic Enough To Work At Local Marketing Firm
3/6/2013 - Grandma's House
3/6/2013 - Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez Dies
3/6/2013 - U.N. Aid Workers Distributing Food To Malnourished KFC Customers
3/6/2013 - Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of March 6, 2013
3/5/2013 - Romney Blames Loss On Successfully Communicating His Message To Minorities
3/5/2013 - Cancer Topples Chavez In Bloodless Coup
3/5/2013 - Appearance Of Dennis Rodman Most Normal Thing To Happen In North Korea
3/5/2013 - Poll: 99% Of Human Beings Would Prefer Big, Slobbery Hound Dog Pope
3/5/2013 - Second Sinkhole Opens In Tampa
3/5/2013 - Chicago Man Brushes Mound Of Snow From Beef Sandwich Before Eating It
3/5/2013 - Area Man Unsure If He’s Supposed To Want Hugo Chavez To Die Or Not
3/5/2013 - Headline With Words ‘HIV Baby’ In It Somehow Turns Out Okay
3/5/2013 - Obnoxious Friend Won't Stop Attaining Major Life Milestones
3/5/2013 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 5, 2013
3/5/2013 - Sharks At Risk Of Extinction From Overfishing
3/4/2013 - Girls Gone Wild Bankruptcy Forces Thousands Of Wet, Wild Party Girls Into Tough Job Market
3/4/2013 - $52 Million Guaranteed Wasted
3/4/2013 - Giant Hole Swallowing Up Your House Added To List Of Things To Worry About
3/4/2013 - Boyfriend Forced To Express Secondhand Outrage
3/4/2013 - Baby Cured Of HIV
3/4/2013 - Child Who Just Lost Balloon Begins Lifelong Battle With Depression
3/4/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 4, 2013
3/4/2013 - Dr. Seuss' Lesser-Known Titles
3/4/2013 - Retiring Pope Half-Heartedly Suggests Grabbing Lunch Sometime With God
3/4/2013 - You've Got Fail
3/4/2013 - Rats’ Brains Connected Via Internet
3/3/2013 - Battle Of Wits With Unwieldy Burrito Nears Thrilling Endgame
3/2/2013 - Josh Lemberg
3/2/2013 - Sacramento Kings Perfectly Execute Throw-Ball-Out-Of-Bounds Play
3/1/2013 - New Study Finds 'The Onion' Has Never Been More Popular, More Beloved, Or More Respected
3/1/2013 - Look, It’s Come Down To This: Either I Have To Murder John Boehner Or He Has To Murder Me
3/1/2013 - Netflix Sends Message To Check If Area Man Okay After Watching Entire Season Of ‘Sons Of Anarchy’ In Single Sitting
3/1/2013 - Dennis Rodman Calls Kim Jong-Un 'Awesome Guy'
3/1/2013 - NFL's Top 2013 Free Agents
3/1/2013 - 3 Cool Lighters We Found At Our Uncle's House
3/1/2013 - Netflix Sends Message To Check If Area Man Okay After Watching Entire Season Of ‘Sons Of Anarchy’ In Single Sitting
3/1/2013 - Final Police Report: Only 20,000 Killed During Ravens' Super Bowl Parade
3/1/2013 - God: At Times It Felt Like The Pope Had One Foot Out The Door
3/1/2013 - Barber Just Latest In String Of Humans To Feign Interest In What Area Man Says
3/1/2013 - Loyal Driveway Patiently Waiting For Owner To Return From Work
3/1/2013 - Millionaire To Send Married Couple To Mars