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2013 October
10/31/2013 - Seventh-Grade Biology Class Grossed Out At Having To Dissect Horse
10/31/2013 - Couple Dressed As Mario And Luigi Drunkenly Making Out On Couch
10/31/2013 - The Onion Looks Back At ‘The Shining’
10/31/2013 - Rand Paul Accused Of Plagiarizing Speech From Wikipedia
10/31/2013 - Harrison Ford Begs Agents To Just Let Him Die Now
10/31/2013 - NBC Cancels ‘Piven’ After 5 Seasons
10/31/2013 - Boss Came To Work Today Dressed As Guy Who Fires Sean
10/31/2013 - What Are We Doing After We Finish Masturbating?
10/31/2013 - Jen Piasek and Scott Gahagen
10/31/2013 - Half Of U.S. Kids Use Smartphone Or Computer By Age 2
10/30/2013 - Red Sox Fan Dedicates Garbage Can He’s Lighting On Fire To Marathon Victims
10/30/2013 - Red Sox Host Cardinals For Game 6 Of World Series At Boston’s Orpheum Theatre
10/30/2013 - College Unveils New Media Center Every Month
10/30/2013 - Town Sues Sriracha Factory Over Hot Sauce Odor
10/30/2013 - Suburban Mom Wows Family With Most Androgynous Look Yet
10/30/2013 - Justin Timberlake Tells Jessica Biel No One Will Believe Her
10/30/2013 - Fun-Loving, Laid-Back Woman With A Bit Of A Nerdy Side Joins Online Dating Service
10/30/2013 - Roommate Protective Services Rescues Helpless 22-Year-Old From Squalid Apartment
10/30/2013 - Skyn Condoms Presents: Naked Office — The Closest Thing To Wearing Nothing
10/30/2013 - NFL To Add Second Team In Jacksonville
10/30/2013 - Some Guy At Bar Lived In San Francisco For A Summer And Liked It A Lot
10/30/2013 - Pro-Assad Group Hacks Obama’s Twitter Account
10/30/2013 - Edwin Harsy and Jen Cranlin
10/29/2013 - Mom Leaks Out Another Divorce Detail During Drive To SAT Prep Class
10/29/2013 - Mysterious Google Barges Seen On East, West Coasts
10/29/2013 - I’m Kind Of OCD About Always Serving White Customers First
10/29/2013 - 27-Year-Old Lies About Every Single Aspect Of His Life To Keep Parents From Worrying
10/29/2013 - Sports Journalist Told To Write Some Slop About Baseball Healing Boston
10/29/2013 - NFL Forbids Chiefs From Creating Their Own Schedule Again Next Season
10/29/2013 - Report: Someone Probably Masturbating To This Stock Photo Right Now
10/29/2013 - 63-14 Loss Disgraces Penn State Football Program
10/29/2013 - Girlfriend To Stay Underneath Blanket For Next 5 Months
10/29/2013 - Pumpkin Clearly Had Finger In It
10/29/2013 - Blake Griffin Caught Plagiarizing Dunks
10/29/2013 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 29, 2013
10/29/2013 - Poll: Older Americans Very Satisfied With Their Jobs
10/29/2013 - No One On Pirate Ship Has Any Idea What ‘Splicing The Mainbrace’ Means
10/28/2013 - Dad’s Been On A Parenting Kick Lately
10/28/2013 - Woman Builds Ironclad Case Proving Mila Kunis Looks Bad Without Makeup
10/28/2013 - U.S. Tapped Phones Of 35 World Leaders
10/28/2013 - Enzyme Humbled To Have Played Part In Successful Biochemical Reaction
10/28/2013 - Overconfidence - Ep. 4
10/28/2013 - Today Particularly Rough Day For East Village Junkie Transvestite
10/28/2013 - NFL Week Eight Winners And Losers
10/28/2013 - What Should The NFL Do About All The Injuries?
10/28/2013 - Pillaging Our Hearts
10/28/2013 - How Congress Plans To Boost Its Approval Rating
10/28/2013 - Nation’s Pedophiles March On Washington, D.C. Elementary School
10/28/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 28, 2013
10/28/2013 - Americans Spend $330 Million On Halloween Pet Costumes
10/28/2013 - The Snake
10/27/2013 - Packers Warm Up By Rolling Around On Field Clutching Knees
10/27/2013 - Call Now!
10/27/2013 - The Walking Dead
10/26/2013 - The Week In Sports – Week Of October 26, 2013
10/26/2013 - Fan Pissed 15-Yard Penalty Called On Hit That Resulted In Player Being Carted Off Field On Stretcher
10/25/2013 - Onion Sports’ NFL Week Eight Picks
10/25/2013 - Man Still Trying To Find Right Work-Anxiety–Life-Anxiety Balance
10/25/2013 - Kim Jong-Un Receives Honorary Doctorate
10/25/2013 - Who Is The Crimson Blazer?
10/25/2013 - NASA: ‘We Will Have A Mass Shooting On The Moon By 2055’
10/25/2013 - Vegetarian Option Just Iceberg Lettuce On Bread
10/25/2013 - Titans Players Evenly Divided Amongst Bud Adams’ Next Of Kin
10/25/2013 - Wes Anderson Reteams With Favorite Objects For 'Grand Budapest Hotel'
10/25/2013 - Vegetarian Option Just Iceberg Lettuce On Bread
10/25/2013 - Company To Offer Balloon Rides To Edge Of Space
10/25/2013 - You Can’t Judge A Book By Its Cover
10/24/2013 - NRA Calls For Teachers To Keep Loaded Gun Pointed At Class For Entire School Day
10/24/2013 - Starbucks Opens First Teahouse, Plans 1,000 More
10/24/2013 - CEO Worked Way Up From Son Of CEO
10/24/2013 - Josh Freeman Takes On Leadership Role To Help Vikings Find Franchise Quarterback
10/24/2013 - Panicked Newborn Didn’t Realize Breathing Would Be On Apgar Test
10/24/2013 - Horrifying Doll Sitting On Neighbor's Porch Whether It's Halloween Or Not
10/24/2013 - CEO Worked Way Up From Son Of CEO
10/24/2013 - Scientists Teach Sign Language To Gorilla-Suit-Wearing Man
10/24/2013 - Alumni Magazine Tiptoeing Around Campus Shooting
10/24/2013 - Eric Clapton Wows Audience With Even Slower Version Of ‘Layla’
10/24/2013 - Study: 1 In 3 Wheelchair-Bound Americans Formerly Played In NFL
10/24/2013 - How Are We Raising Breast Cancer Awareness?
10/24/2013 - Microsoft Testing Google Glass Competitor
10/24/2013 - Martha and Lawrence Krebsbach
10/23/2013 - Cardinals vs. Red Sox
10/23/2013 - Ah, To Be Young, Rich, White, Male, College-Educated, Straight, And In Love
10/23/2013 - Massive Asteroid Could Hit Earth In 2032
10/23/2013 - ESPN Has Been Talking About Beards For 80 Straight Hours
10/23/2013 - Report: ChicagoTheBand.com Most Visited Site On The Internet
10/23/2013 - 5-Year-Old Reluctantly Lets Crying Mom Sleep In His Bed Again
10/23/2013 - Police Investigate Reports Of Local Gay Man Being Dragged Behind Boat
10/23/2013 - BREAKING: Drunk Teen Going 100 MPH Down Slick Highway Is Invincible
10/23/2013 - Family Braces As Autistic Son Discovers Amtrak’s ‘Track A Train’ Webpage
10/23/2013 - Ronald Crandall
10/23/2013 - 75% Of Breast Milk Bought Online Contaminated
10/23/2013 - Teen Wolfe
10/23/2013 - Unfinished Basement Has Weird Feeling About Way Woman Looking At It
10/22/2013 - People In Healthcare.gov Stock Photos Now Visibly Panicking
10/22/2013 - Poll: 63% Of Americans Want Boehner Out Of Office
10/22/2013 - Weird Man Begins Every Morning By Dousing His Naked Body In Water
10/22/2013 - Dead Grandfather Still Talking About Ebbets Field
10/22/2013 - You Meet The Most Interesting People Kicking Open Random Bathroom Stalls
10/22/2013 - Peyton Manning Takes Advantage Of Indianapolis Trip To Visit Wife, Children
10/22/2013 - GOP Announces Plan To Go After Obamacare
10/22/2013 - Apple’s Plans To Revive Its Innovative Image
10/22/2013 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 22, 2013
10/22/2013 - Fan Has $100K Of Surgery To Look Like Justin Bieber
10/22/2013 - First-Generation Immigrant Couple Still Adjusting To Life Of Being Featured In Son’s Standup Routines
10/21/2013 - Johnson & Johnson Introduces New Leave-In Q-Tips
10/21/2013 - Jim Leyland: A Career Retrospective
10/21/2013 - Anne Hathaway Tormented By 14-Year-Old Bully
10/21/2013 - New, Improved Obamacare Program Released On 35 Floppy Disks
10/21/2013 - Mom Breaks Into Son’s Apartment At Night To Administer 2013 Flu Vaccine
10/21/2013 - Redskins’ Kike Owner Refuses To Change Team’s Offensive Name
10/21/2013 - New Book Claims Robert Kennedy Stole JFK’s Brain
10/21/2013 - NFL Week Seven Winners And Losers
10/21/2013 - Tim Duncan Urges Teammates To Be Patient With Frequent-Flyer Miles
10/21/2013 - New Study Finds Human Beings Were Never Meant To Wake Up From Sleep
10/21/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 21, 2013
10/21/2013 - Cincinnati At Pittsburgh
10/21/2013 - Scientist: Yetis Real, Related To Polar Bears
10/21/2013 - How Fur-Low Can You Go?
10/21/2013 - Dead Hamster Feels Its Life Has Been Properly Honored By Shoebox Coffin
10/21/2013 - The Goat
10/20/2013 - Schrödinger’s House
10/19/2013 - The Week In Sports – Week Of October 19, 2013
10/18/2013 - Onion Sports’ NFL Week Seven Picks
10/18/2013 - Man Uses Air Conditioner To Attack Michael Bay
10/18/2013 - Johnson & Johnson Introduces New Leave-In Q-Tips
10/18/2013 - God Reveals He Occasionally Eats Humans
10/18/2013 - HBO Announces ‘Game Of Thrones’ Not Coming Back This Weekend
10/18/2013 - The Onion Reviews '12 Years A Slave'
10/18/2013 - Entire Office Clamoring To Be Introduced To Coworker's Parents
10/18/2013 - 100 Crowded, Expensive Bars
10/18/2013 - Unnerving Adidas Commercial Just Features Derrick Rose Sitting
10/18/2013 - Clemson Athletic Director Rips Into Player Who Isn’t Putting Academics First
10/18/2013 - Miami Heat Provide Greg Oden Wheelchair-Accessible Ramp To Hoop
10/18/2013 - Greatest Sports Rivalries
10/18/2013 - Proposed Immigration Law Calls For U.S. To Shut Down Border Slide
10/18/2013 - Flesh-Eating Drug Krokodil Catches On In U.S.
10/18/2013 - Man Craving Some Kind Of Human Connection That Would Let Him Know He’s Not Alone In This World, Sliders
10/17/2013 - Government Reopens
10/17/2013 - Child Sees No Reason Why Iron Man Costume Can't Be Worn To Grandfather’s Funeral
10/17/2013 - Child Sees No Reason Why Iron Man Costume Can’t Be Worn To Grandfather’s Funeral
10/17/2013 - Boehner Hoping To Remain Leader Of Republican Parties
10/17/2013 - Republicans Give In Right Before Obamacare Would Have Been Repealed
10/17/2013 - Distressed Michael Vick Urges Creation Of Some Sort Of Dog Fighters Anonymous Support Group
10/17/2013 - There’s Going To Be A New Alpha Male In The Office When My Coworkers Hear About The Baby Deer I Saw
10/17/2013 - Nude Biden Wakes Up On Cold Slab In D.C. Morgue
10/17/2013 - Moose Dying Off Across North America
10/17/2013 - Just What You Should Want
10/17/2013 - Biggest FDA Food Recalls
10/16/2013 - Oreos As Addictive As Cocaine Among Rats
10/16/2013 - Report: You Live In An Embarrassing Country
10/16/2013 - Obama Announces Start Of Annual D.C. Spooktacular
10/16/2013 - Heroic Broken Sewage Pipe Floods Congress With Human Waste
10/16/2013 - Thursday Cry Moved Up To Wednesday Due To Scheduling Conflict
10/16/2013 - Haunted Corn Maze Owner Has Another Conversation With Zombie No. 2 About Not Touching
10/16/2013 - Muslim Man Figured Trip To Mecca Would Be A Lot More Life-Changing
10/16/2013 - Bruce Willis Seriously Considering Doing More Films
10/16/2013 - Man Points Out Town Where He Threw Up
10/16/2013 - Sports Fan Has Opinion
10/16/2013 - Elderly Woman Unknowingly Lived With 20,000 Bees
10/16/2013 - Guinness World Records Promotes Man Who Can Lift 27 Pounds With Tongue To Editor-In-Chief
10/15/2013 - Batter Awkwardly Joins Meeting At Mound
10/15/2013 - Serial Killer Thinking Of Interesting Ways To Incorporate Social Media
10/15/2013 - Nation Could Probably Draw John Boehner From Memory At This Point
10/15/2013 - Madonna Banned From Movie Theater For Texting
10/15/2013 - College Freshman Thinking It Might Be Time To Break Up With His High School Teacher
10/15/2013 - Blood-Soaked Mayor Bloomberg Announces Homelessness No Longer A Problem In New York City
10/15/2013 - Escape Into Escapism With Jean
10/15/2013 - Broncos’ Perfect Season Ends With Humiliating Win Over Jaguars
10/15/2013 - Shutdown Halts Craft Beer Production
10/15/2013 - Your Horoscopes — Week of October 15th
10/15/2013 - Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week of October 14
10/14/2013 - Tea Party Congressman Listens To Constituent Who Wears Thomas Jefferson Costume Everywhere
10/14/2013 - Religious Scholars Discover Jesus Christ Delivered By Dr. Sidney Adler
10/14/2013 - Study: Behavioral Problems Linked To Irregular Bedtimes
10/14/2013 - Family Watches In Silence As Dad Checks Out Waitress
10/14/2013 - News Website Refers To Users’ Ceaseless Exchange Of Racial Slurs As ‘Discussion’
10/14/2013 - NFL Week Six Winners And Losers
10/14/2013 - John Boehner’s Wife Calls For Her Shutdown King To Come Back To Bed
10/14/2013 - Internet Rocked By Blogger With Sarcastic Sensibility
10/14/2013 - Suicide Hotline Operator Sick Of Talking Down Jaguars Players
10/14/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 14, 2013
10/14/2013 - Smoothie Operators
10/14/2013 - NYC Restaurant Has Diners Eat In Silence
10/13/2013 - October 19
10/11/2013 - Stray Dad Found In Lumber Section Of The Home Depot
10/11/2013 - The Week In Sports – Week Of October 12, 2013
10/11/2013 - Onion Sports’ NFL Week Six Picks
10/11/2013 - McDonald’s To Put Books In Happy Meals
10/11/2013 - Intern Strikes Up Friendship With Least-Respected Employee
10/11/2013 - Airline Pilot Begins Initial Descent Into Madness
10/11/2013 - High School Football Coach Encourages Player To Shake Off Cognitive Impairment
10/11/2013 - Airline Part Of Something Called 'Star Alliance'
10/11/2013 - WNBA Finals Dominated By Minnesota Lynx’s 8-Months Pregnant Power Forward
10/11/2013 - Woman On Gym Treadmill Cranks Incline Up To 90 Degrees
10/11/2013 - We Sit Down Right Behind Liam Neeson And Talk About The Highs And Lows Of His Career
10/11/2013 - Mothers May Pass Depression To Newborns
10/10/2013 - Kuwait To Medically ‘Detect’ Gay Visitors, Expel Them
10/10/2013 - The Onion’s Guide To Understanding The Debt Ceiling Crisis
10/10/2013 - New Pumpkin Spice Channel To Offer Fall-Themed Hardcore Pornography
10/10/2013 - Obamacare Helps Uninsured Americans Become Blindingly Enraged At Insurance Companies
10/10/2013 - Chipmunk’s Plan For Future Better Crafted Than That Of 8 Out Of 10 Americans
10/10/2013 - Kanye West Confirms He's Working On New Solo Child
10/10/2013 - Chipmunk’s Plan For Future Better Crafted Than That Of 8 Out Of 10 Americans
10/10/2013 - Most Offensive Team Names
10/10/2013 - Thunk U For Nobbel Prise, Me Happie Now
10/10/2013 - Marcus Vick Likely Out For Sunday Shift At Sbarro
10/10/2013 - Why Are We Leaving Facebook?
10/10/2013 - Tech Talk With Fred Bailey: The Bucket Mini
10/10/2013 - U.S. Adults Below Average In Math, Literacy, Computers
10/10/2013 - October 17
10/9/2013 - Janet Yellen Nominated As First Female Fed Chief
10/9/2013 - Psychiatrists Deeply Concerned For 5% Of Americans Who Approve Of Congress
10/9/2013 - Fucking Pathetic John Ashbery Actually Thinks He Has Shot At Nobel Prize In Literature This Year
10/9/2013 - Washington Redskins Change Their Name To The D.C. Redskins
10/9/2013 - Michelle Obama Opens Up In ‘Marie Claire’: ‘Our Sex Life Has Never Been More Open, More Experimental, More Generous’
10/9/2013 - High School Freshman Thinks ‘Romeo And Juliet’ Might Just Be Her Favorite Play
10/9/2013 - Daryl Johnston Admits He Doesn’t Feel Comfortable Being Alone In Booth With Kenny Albert
10/9/2013 - Man Panics After Reaching Age Where Parents Prematurely Started Family
10/9/2013 - Military Unveils Bionic Super-Soldiers Capable Of Withstanding Mental Toll Of War
10/9/2013 - China Warns U.S. Not To Default On Debt
10/9/2013 - October 16-18
10/8/2013 - NYPD Lets Suspicious Man Go After Only Finding ‘Catcher In The Rye’ In Backpack
10/8/2013 - Tom Hanks Has Diabetes
10/8/2013 - Congressional Aides Withholding Sex Until Budget Compromise Is Reached
10/8/2013 - Tips For Decorating Your Home For Halloween
10/8/2013 - Parents Chart Child's Width On Kitchen Wall
10/8/2013 - I Wonder If My Roommate Can Hear My Girlfriend And Me Firing Civil War Cannons
10/8/2013 - Fanatically Devoted Nerd Could Potentially Turn On Simon Pegg At Any Moment
10/8/2013 - History Of The Walt Disney Company
10/8/2013 - Dick Vitale Enthusiastic About Latest Al-Qaeda Plot
10/8/2013 - Your Horoscopes — Week of October 8, 2013
10/8/2013 - Report: Chicken Nuggets Only 50% Meat
10/7/2013 - Space Under Boardroom Table A Complex Web Of Feet Massaging Various Genitals
10/7/2013 - Dad Actually Yelled At That Guy
10/7/2013 - Nobel Prize In Chemistry Awarded To Taft Middle School Teacher Mr. Ambler
10/7/2013 - Poll Shows Majority Of Americans Can’t Blame Congress For The Shutdown, Not With Those Adorable Faces They Can’t
10/7/2013 - How The Government Shutdown Could End
10/7/2013 - Reality TV Show To Send Winner To Space
10/7/2013 - BREAKING: Minnesota Vikings Add Fourth Backup Quarterback
10/7/2013 - Area Family Putting A Little Money Away To One Day Blow On Single Health Scare
10/7/2013 - NFL Week Five Winners And Losers
10/7/2013 - High-Powered Washington Fixer Tells Blood-Soaked Obama To Listen Carefully
10/7/2013 - Study Finds Only Safe Place To Tackle Football Players Is 4-Inch Area On Right Thigh
10/7/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 7, 2013
10/7/2013 - Executive Orders
10/7/2013 - Doctor Creates Feces Pills To Treat Illness
10/6/2013 - NFL Switches To All-Pink MRI Machines For Breast Cancer Awareness Month
10/6/2013 - Packers Go With No-Cuddle Offense
10/6/2013 - Brooklyn Nine-Nine
10/5/2013 - The Week In Sports – Week Of October 5, 2013
10/4/2013 - Giant Hornets Terrorize Central China
10/4/2013 - Onion Sports’ NFL Week Five Picks
10/4/2013 - Tea Party Leaders Announce Support For Deal In Exchange For Malia Obama
10/4/2013 - Linguistics Professor Tells Notre Dame Leprechaun To Sit The Fuck Down In Class
10/4/2013 - Space Under Boardroom Table A Complex Web Of Feet Massaging Various Genitals
10/4/2013 - Hostages Freed After Tense 7-Minute Standup Set
10/4/2013 - David Bowie Asks Iman If They Should Just Do Lasagna Again
10/4/2013 - Internet Not Quite Done Milking Cory Monteith’s Death For All It Worth
10/4/2013 - Creepy Statistician Starts Softwetfootballfacts.com
10/4/2013 - Even Consumer’s Subconscious Can Tell Banner Ad Campaign Ineffective
10/4/2013 - Hostages Freed After Tense 7-Minute Standup Set
10/4/2013 - What’s Going On With The Government Shutdown?
10/4/2013 - ‘The Flintstones’ — Our Weekly Look Back
10/4/2013 - Who Should The Cubs Hire As Manager?
10/4/2013 - Meat
10/4/2013 - Bud Selig Credits Healthy Appearance To Embalming Process
10/4/2013 - Group Shows DNA Evidence, HD Video Of Bigfoot
10/4/2013 - A Bucket's Story: The Tale Of Two Guys Who Changed The World
10/4/2013 - The Men Who Built Canada
10/3/2013 - BREAKING: Daniel Throwing His Life Away, You Should Call Him, He Dropped Out Of Wharton—Wharton, For God’s Sake
10/3/2013 - Putin Nominated For Nobel Peace Prize
10/3/2013 - Mia Farrow: ‘It’s Possible My Son Was Fathered By Frank Sinatra, Mario Puzo, George McGovern, Robert Altman, Anthony Perkins, Milton Berle, Robert Redford, Michael Caine, Danny Aiello, Or Bruce Dern’
10/3/2013 - The Onion Reviews 'Gravity'
10/3/2013 - Kid Not Getting In Strange Van For Anything Less Than King-Size Bar
10/3/2013 - OSN’s Tips For Turning Your NFL Season Around
10/3/2013 - Germ-Free Haven!
10/3/2013 - Least Lucrative College Majors
10/3/2013 - Report: American Jews Becoming Less Religious
10/2/2013 - Tom Clancy’s Death Hits Cincinnati Airport Hudson News Cashier Pretty Hard
10/2/2013 - U.S. Treasury Announces Bonus Financial Quarter Worth Double The Cash
10/2/2013 - NBC, CNN Cancel Hillary Clinton Movies
10/2/2013 - The Republican Party Cannot Stand By And Let Obamacare Destroy This Country vs. Help Me
10/2/2013 - 1998 University Of Virginia Graduates Still Taking Inspiration From Governor Jim Gilmore’s Commencement Speech
10/2/2013 - Nation Admits There Could Be A Little Less Porn
10/2/2013 - I Don’t Know Where My Navy Blue Tie Is—Sure, Maybe That’s Not Important To You, But It Is To Me
10/2/2013 - New Pro Football Hall Of Fame Exhibit Allows Visitors To Experience Concussion
10/2/2013 - New York Adds ‘Texting Zones’ To Highways
10/2/2013 - The Outer Edge Of Consciousness
10/2/2013 - Billion Dollar Listing
10/1/2013 - Government Shutdown Forces National Zoo To Turn Off Panda Suicide Cam
10/1/2013 - Last Thing Government Worker Needed Was Agency Labeling Him ‘Nonessential’
10/1/2013 - Greatest Country In World Unable To Keep William H. Gross Stamp Gallery Open
10/1/2013 - Government Shutdown Begins
10/1/2013 - How Obamacare’s Health Insurance Exchanges Work
10/1/2013 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of October 1, 2013
10/1/2013 - Saudi Cleric: Driving Harms Women’s Ovaries