9/30/2013 - U.S. On Verge Of Full-Scale Government Hoedown

9/30/2013 - Breaking: Congressmen Walking Somewhere

9/30/2013 - ‘Breaking Bad’ Ends

9/30/2013 - What A Government Shutdown Means For You

9/30/2013 - NFL Week Four Winners And Losers

9/30/2013 - 5-Year-Old Figures He Has A Year Left Of Peeing At Urinals With His Pants All The Way Down

9/30/2013 - Jay Cutler Proudly Watches Son Throw First Tantrum

9/30/2013 - Dance Now!

9/30/2013 - America's Neighbor Hoods

9/30/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of September 30, 2013

9/30/2013 - 15% Of U.S. Adults Don’t Go Online

9/30/2013 - Storied Fantasy Owner Relocates To New IP Address

9/29/2013 - ‘Breaking Bad’ Ends With Reveal That Whole Series Was Plot Of Book Marie Shoplifted

9/29/2013 - Story Of Small Businessman Struggling Under Obama Administration Draws To Close

9/29/2013 - Unclear If Fountain Is The Type You're Allowed To Run Around In

9/29/2013 - Jay Kogen

9/28/2013 - Onion Sports’ NFL Week Four Picks

9/27/2013 - The Week In Sports – Week Of September 27, 2013

9/27/2013 - Scientists Recommend Having Earth Put Down

9/27/2013 - Student Reporter Hits It Out Of The Park With 5 Accurate Sentences

9/27/2013 - Insecure Man Pretending To Be Someone He's Not

9/27/2013 - Google Turns 15

9/27/2013 - Bullied Eighth-Grader Incorrectly Thought Classmates Would Leave Him Alone During Field Trip To 9/11 Memorial

9/27/2013 - New Poll Finds Americans View Death Of Close Relative More Favorably Than Congress

9/27/2013 - Report: Aldon Smith’s Leave Of Absence Could Devastate San Francisco’s Bar Scene

9/27/2013 - 57% Of High Schoolers Unprepared For College

9/27/2013 - Who Do You Think Will Win The World Series?

9/27/2013 - UFC 227 Or 183 Or Some Fucking Thing Happened Last Weekend

9/27/2013 - Google Employees Disappointed 15th Anniversary Party Only Has One Solar-Powered Lego Drag Race Reffed By David Pogue

9/27/2013 - Michael Jeffreyton Wishes Screenwriter Had Given Him More Believable Name

9/27/2013 - Pretty Balloons 2006-2013

9/26/2013 - Man Who Understands 8% Of Obamacare Vigorously Defends It From Man Who Understands 5%

9/26/2013 - Airlines Made $27 Billion In Fees Last Year

9/26/2013 - James Fenimore Cooper, Famed American Novelist, Dies At 224

9/26/2013 - Man Who Has Something Seriously Wrong With Him On A Fundamental Level Leaves That Part Off OKCupid Profile

9/26/2013 - District Attorney Worked Way Up From Police Dog

9/26/2013 - Highlights Of Mariano Rivera’s Career

9/26/2013 - Area Man Determined To Make The Best Of Situation Comedy

9/26/2013 - Roger Goodell Announces NFL Will Begin Collecting Players’ Sperm For New Breeding Program

9/26/2013 - Man Who Has Something Seriously Wrong With Him On A Fundamental Level Leaves That Part Off OKCupid Profile

9/26/2013 - 53 Worst Current Buffalo Bills Players

9/26/2013 - Secret Agent’s Back’s Always Been A Bit Hinky Ever Since He Burst Through That Skylight And Landed In Fountain

9/26/2013 - Most Popular Autumn Foods

9/26/2013 - 20% Of Yelp Reviews Fake

9/26/2013 - Advertiser Thought This Sponsored Post Was Good Idea

9/26/2013 - Jacob Elish

9/25/2013 - President Cruz Fondly Recalls 21-Hour Speech That Started It All

9/25/2013 - Facebook Version Of Marriage Going Great

9/25/2013 - World’s Insect Leaders Attend G20,000,000,000 Summit

9/25/2013 - Area Man Worried Health Care Debate Might Be Getting Political

9/25/2013 - Breaking: Christian Ponder Limited In Practice By Christian Ponder

9/25/2013 - GM To Pour All Resources Into Single Car That Can Be Safely Driven Down Street And Back

9/25/2013 - Ted Cruz Gives 21-Hour Speech Against Obamacare

9/25/2013 - Man Experiencing First Real Moment Of Peace In Years Resuscitated

9/25/2013 - I Wish The Government Would Make Up Its Mind Who Should Be Killed And Who I Can Have Sex With

9/25/2013 - Yankees Honor Derek Jeter, Retire His Number, Forcibly Remove Him From Stadium

9/25/2013 - Owner Admits Fantasy Team In Rebuilding Year

9/25/2013 - Tamara Federici

9/25/2013 - The Next Big Thing from The Home Depot is Unveiled!

9/24/2013 - Married People More Likely To Beat Cancer

9/24/2013 - Burger King Debuts Low-Fat ‘Satisfries’

9/24/2013 - Intricacies Of Meal Plan Discussed

9/24/2013 - New Netflix Gas Lets Users Inhale Multiple Seasons Of TV Shows

9/24/2013 - Rite Of Passage

9/24/2013 - Highlights Of Obama’s Speech To The United Nations

9/24/2013 - Fantasized Argument Getting Pretty Intense

9/24/2013 - Nation Sick Of Looming Stuff

9/24/2013 - Giants Nervous They Might Actually All Be On Same Page

9/24/2013 - Cereal Commercial Completely Neglects Showing Numerous Life Problems Character Faces Beyond Breakfast

9/24/2013 - Manager Inspires Marlins With Clubhouse Reading Of Contractual Obligations To Play Out Season

9/24/2013 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 24, 2013

9/24/2013 - Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of September 24, 2013

9/24/2013 - Neo-Nazis Trying To Create Whites-Only Town In ND

9/24/2013 - New Television Show To Examine Rarely Discussed Years Between 1980 And 1989

9/23/2013 - NASA Offering $18K To Stay In Bed For 70 Days

9/23/2013 - Extremely Vibrant Town Able To Sustain Two Buffalo Wild Wings

9/23/2013 - Highlights From Last Night’s Emmy Awards

9/23/2013 - Dad Explains Obamacare

9/23/2013 - NFL Week Three Winners And Losers

9/23/2013 - How ‘U.S. News’ Ranks Colleges

9/23/2013 - Length Of Relationship Mistaken For Quality Of Relationship

9/23/2013 - Nation Curious As To What Winning Formula Responsible For A’s Success

9/23/2013 - Absolutely Disgusting Shower Curtain Liner Has Another 3 Years Left In It

9/23/2013 - The War On War

9/23/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of September 23, 2013

9/23/2013 - Study: Life On Earth Has 1.75 Billion Years Left

9/23/2013 - Man Feels Automatic Connection With Attractive Woman

9/21/2013 - Jim Schwartz Allowed To Coach Despite Exhibiting Concussion-Like Symptoms

9/20/2013 - Pope: Church Must Stop Focusing On Gays, Abortion

9/20/2013 - Onion Sports’ NFL Week Three Picks

9/20/2013 - Unclear If Fountain Is The Type You're Allowed To Run Around In

9/20/2013 - The Onion’s Tips For Healthy Skin

9/20/2013 - Weak Little Man Asks For Help

9/20/2013 - The Onion Looks Back At 'Jaws'

9/20/2013 - Lonely Nation Gathers Outside Window Of Happy Family Eating Dinner Together

9/20/2013 - Police Department Deploys Fancyclothes Cop

9/20/2013 - Best Sports Movies Ever Made

9/20/2013 - See Spectacular Fall Colors By Closing Your Eyes And Pressing On Them

9/20/2013 - Area Man Absolutely Determined To Use Wheelbarrow This Weekend

9/20/2013 - The Next Big Thing: Reviews

9/20/2013 - ‘Wizard Of Oz’ Rereleased In IMAX 3D

9/20/2013 - Week One Panic - Ep. 3

9/20/2013 - The Draft - Ep. 2

9/20/2013 - Fantasy Draft Preparation - Ep. 1

9/19/2013 - Hell Now A Thriving Epicenter Of Gay Culture

9/19/2013 - What Apple Users Need To Know About iOS 7

9/19/2013 - Food Allergies Cost U.S. $25 Billion A Year

9/19/2013 - Prince Fielder Promises To Hit Home Run For Terminally Ill Detroit

9/19/2013 - Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

9/19/2013 - Retiring NFL Player Announces Plans To Go Bankrupt, Shoot Self Within 5 Years

9/19/2013 - Old Faithful Brutally Beaten To Death By Group Of Teens

9/19/2013 - Deceitful Woman Deviously Alters Appearance To Give Illusion Of Youth, Fertility

9/19/2013 - Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

9/19/2013 - Should The Browns Have Traded Trent Richardson?

9/19/2013 - Area Man’s Intelligence Probably Just Too Intimidating For Most Women

9/19/2013 - Lowest-Rated Businesses On Yelp

9/19/2013 - Charlie Manuel Seen Milling Aimlessly Around Phillies Locker Room During Post-Game Interview

9/19/2013 - Entering Maturity

9/19/2013 - Britney Spears To Have Own Las Vegas Show

9/18/2013 - Starbucks Asks Customers Not To Carry Guns

9/18/2013 - SI Investigation Reveals Oklahoma State An Awesome Place To Play Football

9/18/2013 - Obama Meets With Nation’s Schizophrenic Voices To Urge Less Violence

9/18/2013 - Liquor Commercial Featuring Dance Party On Pirate Ship Also Includes Important Message About Responsibility

9/18/2013 - I’m Just A Free Spirit Who Is Entirely Financially Dependent On Others

9/18/2013 - Grandmother Shown Around Retirement Home Where She Will Die

9/18/2013 - Enjoyment Of Steve Miller Band’s ‘Jungle Love’ Last Piece Of Common Ground In America

9/18/2013 - New Study Finds Americans Scoot Over At Least 10 Miles Per Year

9/18/2013 - Freshman Dorm Kept Cool By 870 Fans

9/18/2013 - Tough Season - Week One Panic - Ep. 3

9/17/2013 - ‘GTA V’ A Sophisticated Gaming Experience, Says Man Who Spent 3 Hours Running Over Homeless People With Fire Truck

9/17/2013 - Desperate Nation Tries Getting On Board With Mass Shootings

9/17/2013 - ‘Grand Theft Auto V’ Released

9/17/2013 - Teen Wastes Prime Childbearing Years Going To High School

9/17/2013 - Company More Like Family Whose Members Are Desperate To Join Better Family

9/17/2013 - 12-Year-Old Hispanic Boy Not Sure If He’s Supposed To Be Looking Up To Marco Rubio

9/17/2013 - Pope Francis’ Plans For Modernizing The Catholic Church

9/17/2013 - Study: Zero People Have Led Satisfying Lives After Altering Original Career Plans, Aspirations

9/17/2013 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 17, 2013

9/17/2013 - Study: Holy Water Unsafe, Full Of Bacteria

9/17/2013 - 20% Of High School Seniors Binge Drink

9/16/2013 - Stop Sign Taking Forever To Change 

9/16/2013 - Report: Several NFL Teams Interested In Tim Tebow As Grounds Crew Worker

9/16/2013 - New Features Of ‘Grand Theft Auto V’

9/16/2013 - Study Finds Leading Cause Of Depression Hearing Words ‘2016 Frontrunners’

9/16/2013 - Indian-American Miss America Attacked On Twitter

9/16/2013 - Local Applebee's Removes Photo Of Underperforming Pop Warner Team

9/16/2013 - Location Of Newest Mass Shooting Revealed

9/16/2013 - TV Showdown Expected As ‘Sleepy Hollow’ Debuts Tonight Against HBO’s ‘Ichabod,’ TNT’s ‘Headless Horseman,’ Showtime’s ‘Cloaked Rider’

9/16/2013 - NFL Week Two Winners And Losers

9/16/2013 - 250-Pound Man Sadly In Best Shape Of His Life

9/16/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of September 16, 2013

9/16/2013 - Voyager 1 Leaves Solar System

9/16/2013 - Trying Our Patients

9/15/2013 - Luther Conover and Patricia Das

9/15/2013 - Keys To The Matchup: Eli Manning vs. Peyton Manning

9/15/2013 - Onion Sports’ NFL Week Two Picks

9/15/2013 - Out That Innie!

9/13/2013 - Bold Employee Just Watching Videos During Meeting With Sound On

9/13/2013 - J.K. Rowling Writing ‘Harry Potter’ Spinoff Film

9/13/2013 - Tony Romo Confident Bruised Ribs Won’t Hurt His Performance In Upcoming Ballet Recital

9/13/2013 - Mother Feels Violent Desire To Make Front Doorway Reflect Current Season

9/13/2013 - Completely Unrealistic TV Character Has Complex, Multifaceted Personality

9/13/2013 - NASA: Voyager-1 Has Officially Carried Remains Of Joan Crawford Outside Solar System

9/13/2013 - Stop Sign Taking Forever To Change

9/13/2013 - Department Of Agriculture Locates Perfect Goat

9/13/2013 - Julia Roberts' Final Hours

9/13/2013 - Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

9/13/2013 - Carrie Underwood Releases Complex, Multi-Part Prog Rock–Inspired ‘Sunday Night Football’ Theme Song

9/13/2013 - Study: Men With Smaller Gonads Are Better Dads

9/13/2013 - Saved By The Liberty Bell

9/12/2013 - Christ Reluctantly Enters Area Man’s Heart

9/12/2013 - Jefferson Starship Memorial Reopens On National Mall

9/12/2013 - 10 Jaw-Dropping Moments From The Miley Cyrus ‘Wrecking Ball’ Video

9/12/2013 - College Freshman Honors Dead Roommate’s Memory By Solemnly Eating All His Food

9/12/2013 - Report: Gap Wider Than Ever Between Ultra-Rich And Reality

9/12/2013 - First Lady Urges Americans To Drink More Water

9/12/2013 - Report: Some Small Town Enjoying Last Days Of Anonymity Before Harrowing Tragedy

9/12/2013 - Troy Polamalu Lands On Injured Reserve After Feebleminded Ben Roethlisberger Accidentally Breaks His Neck

9/12/2013 - College Freshman Honors Dead Roommate’s Memory By Solemnly Eating All His Food

9/12/2013 - Couple Thoughtfully Puts Up Wedding Website For Friends To Mock

9/12/2013 - Josh Martin and Tanya Booker

9/12/2013 - What Did Our Psychiatrist Just Jot Down?

9/12/2013 - HIV Outbreak Shuts Down Porn Industry

9/12/2013 - Study Finds 80 Percent Of Facial Hair Being Silently Judged At Any One Time

9/11/2013 - U.S. Income Inequality Widest Since 1928

9/11/2013 - Marketing Department Under Impression Keebler Elves A Beloved Part Of American Culture

9/11/2013 - Man Looking Up At Tall Building Thinking About, You Know

9/11/2013 - Rudy Giuliani Suddenly Realizes He’s Been Grinning During Entire 9/11 Ceremony

9/11/2013 - Americans Experiencing Slightly Different Kind Of Numbness Today

9/11/2013 - Billboard Alerts Drivers To Existence Of Situational Comedy Starring Stand-Up Comedian Jerry Seinfeld

9/11/2013 - Jets Fans, Mark Sanchez Really Hoping Shoulder Injury Rules Him Out For Rest Of Season

9/11/2013 - Mother Comes Pretty Close To Using Word ‘Streaming’ Correctly

9/11/2013 - Lisa Hassell and Brian Morefield

9/11/2013 - U.S. 17th Happiest Country In World

9/11/2013 - 5 Seconds Of ‘Wild Wild West’

9/10/2013 - Syria Says It Will Give Up Chemical Weapons

9/10/2013 - Report: U.S. Exported 6 Billion Tons Of Crude Web Content Last Year

9/10/2013 - What Will Ndamukong Suh Do Next?

9/10/2013 - Hey, Baby, I’m Terrified Of My Looming Mortality!

9/10/2013 - John Kerry Costs U.S. Defense Industry $400 Billion

9/10/2013 - Apple Unveils Panicked Man With No Ideas

9/10/2013 - Features Of The Lower-Cost iPhone 5C

9/10/2013 - Manager Slits Own Throat After Realizing Some Members Of Company Not On Same Page

9/10/2013 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 10, 2013

9/10/2013 - Report: National Average Now 604

9/10/2013 - Scientists Discover World’s Largest Volcano

9/10/2013 - Jon Gruden Still Talking Inside ESPN Broadcast Booth 45 Minutes After End Of ‘Monday Night Football’

9/9/2013 - Sleeping Middle-Aged Businessman In Airport Suddenly So Childlike, So Vulnerable

9/9/2013 - Foreign Guy Probably Dressed Very Fashionably For Wherever He’s From

9/9/2013 - Nation’s Math Teachers Introduce 27 New Trig Functions

9/9/2013 - Heartless Dutch Curators Put Deranged Scrawlings Of Mentally Ill Suicide Victim On Full Display For World To Mock

9/9/2013 - Iowa Issuing Gun Permits To The Blind

9/9/2013 - Couple Should Get Dinner With Other Couple, Couple Reports

9/9/2013 - Bashar Al-Assad Tries Tiny Bit Of Sarin Gas On Self To See What It’s Like

9/9/2013 - NFL Week One Winners And Losers

9/9/2013 - Area Man’s Opinion Hasn’t Been Taken Seriously By Anyone In Over A Decade

9/9/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of September 9, 2013

9/9/2013 - The Mentalist

9/9/2013 - Study: Yelling At Teens As Harmful As Hitting

9/9/2013 - Raking It In

9/8/2013 - Dallas Cowboys Halftime Show Features Execution Of Texas Prisoner

9/8/2013 - Rex Ryan On Jets Season: ‘Anything Short Of 6-10 Is A Failure’

9/8/2013 - NFL Stadiums Eliminate Policy Requiring All Fans To Piss On Floor Next To Urinal

9/8/2013 - Onion Sports’ NFL Week One Picks

9/8/2013 - Patriots Use Large Piece Of Cork As Bulletin Board Material

9/8/2013 - Nicole Walden

9/7/2013 - Home Depot's Next Big Thing - Get Ready For Everything To Change

9/7/2013 - Man's Weekly Recycling Just Boxes Of Nestle Drumsticks

9/6/2013 - George Zimmerman’s Wife Files For Divorce

9/6/2013 - New Subway Promotion To Honor Subtember 11

9/6/2013 - Study: Average Person Becomes Unhinged Psychotic When Alone In Own House

9/6/2013 - Sleeping Middle-Aged Businessman In Airport Suddenly So Childlike, So Vulnerable

9/6/2013 - Person Of Interest Gets Away From George Zimmerman

9/6/2013 - New ‘RoboCop’ Trailer Reveals Main Character To Be Some Sort Of Robotic Policeman

9/6/2013 - Jenn Sterger Still Receiving Lewd Brett Favre Texts

9/6/2013 - The NFL’s Top 10 Coaches

9/6/2013 - Study: Average Person Becomes Unhinged Psychotic When Alone In Own House

9/6/2013 - Family’s Horrific 45-Minute Screaming Match Ends In Consensus To Go To Macaroni Grill

9/6/2013 - World War II Documentary Suffused With Anti-Nazi Undertones

9/6/2013 - Lego Introduces First Female Scientist Figure

9/5/2013 - Area Man Bids Tearful Farewell To Family As NFL Season Begins

9/5/2013 - Are You Ready For Some Football?

9/5/2013 - Poll: Majority Of Americans Approve Of Sending Congress To Syria

9/5/2013 - Tough Season - Preview

9/5/2013 - Man Puts Glass Of Water On Bedside Table In Case He Needs To Make Huge Mess In Middle Of Night

9/5/2013 - Target Of Future Drone Attack Urges American Intervention In Syria

9/5/2013 - Samsung Unveils Smartwatch

9/5/2013 - 10 Places You Have To See A Football Game Before You Die

9/5/2013 - Nation’s Female Joggers Know They Will One Day Be Assaulted, Buried In Woods

9/5/2013 - R.A. Has Bad Feeling About Kid In Cloak

9/5/2013 - Wal-Mart Announces Plan To Slash Customers’ Throats

9/5/2013 - True Courage Is Knowing You’re Wrong But Refusing To Admit It

9/5/2013 - Buying Everything Hairstylist Recommends Would Cost $8,000

9/5/2013 - What Tattoo Are We Getting?

9/5/2013 - Len Hilt

9/5/2013 - Lava Lamp Turns 50

9/5/2013 - Tough Season - The Draft - Ep. 2

9/4/2013 - NAACP, KKK Hold First-Ever Meeting

9/4/2013 - Breaking: Tim Tebow Drawing Interest From Media

9/4/2013 - Ariel Castro Failed By System

9/4/2013 - New Skin Cream To Do Something

9/4/2013 - Assad Unable To Convince Putin That He Used Chemical Weapons On Syrians

9/4/2013 - Royal Baby Already Making New Friends

9/4/2013 - College-Aged Female Finds Unlikely Kindred Spirit In Audrey Hepburn

9/4/2013 - Personal Trainer Has Desk

9/4/2013 - Bruce Springsteen On Fence About Playing Assad’s Birthday Gig

9/4/2013 - Walt Streit

9/4/2013 - Dennis Rodman Returns To North Korea

9/4/2013 - 20-Something Thinking About Maybe Doing Something Funny With His Facial Hair

9/3/2013 - Mom Loved ‘Fruitvale Station’

9/3/2013 - Obama Assures Americans This Will Not Be Another 1456 Ottoman Siege Of Belgrade

9/3/2013 - 64-Year-Old Woman Swims From Cuba To Florida

9/3/2013 - New Study Finds Americans Are Living Too Long

9/3/2013 - Jellyfish Falls Short Of Dream To Kill Diana Nyad

9/3/2013 - Coworkers Nationwide Embrace Tearfully After Painful 3-Day Separation

9/3/2013 - God Feeling Down In Dumps After Death Of Grandmother

9/3/2013 - Guy Looking To Feel Horrible About Aspect Of Everyday Life Decides To Watch Documentary

9/3/2013 - The NFL's Top 10 Cornerbacks

9/3/2013 - The Onion’s Tips For College Freshmen

9/3/2013 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of September 3, 2013

9/3/2013 - Study: Life On Earth May Have Started On Mars

9/2/2013 - Courtroom Artist Clearly Infatuated With Bailiff

9/2/2013 - Hannah Storm On What She’s Learned From Interviewing NFL Players: ‘They’re Idiots’

9/2/2013 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of September 2, 2013

9/2/2013 - If Martin Luther King Were Alive Today, He Would Be Disgusted At How Difficult It Has Become For Public Figures To Quietly Cheat On Their Wives

9/2/2013 - Top 5 Best-Selling Books — Week Of September 2, 2013

9/2/2013 - Freedom Takes A Hit

9/2/2013 - Men Just As Likely To Be Depressed As Women