4/30/2014 - Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher Return For New ‘Star Wars’ Film

4/30/2014 - The Arguments For And Against Capital Punishment

4/30/2014 - Dad Knows Guy At Work Whose Son Plays Triple-A

4/30/2014 - Unemployed Man Vows To Wake Up Early, Finish Watching Movie

4/30/2014 - Thousands Of College Football Players Expected To Play Through Season With Broken NCAA System

4/30/2014 - New Census Report Reveals U.S. Has Over 316 Million Nobodies

4/30/2014 - Carlos Santana Surprises Wife With Coupon For Free 45-Minute Guitar Solo

4/30/2014 - Fox Announces ‘Grease’ Live TV Musical For 2015

4/29/2014 - Clippers Retire Donald Sterling Jersey

4/29/2014 - ‘E.T.’ Video Game Cartridges Unearthed In New Mexico Landfill

4/29/2014 - Donald Sterling: 'Well, Time To Go Off Somewhere And Die'

4/29/2014 - Takeout Bag Feels Light

4/29/2014 - Teen Boys Losing Virginity Earlier And Earlier, Report Teen Boys

4/29/2014 - Man On Date Ready For Question About Siblings This Time

4/29/2014 - Cower, Puny Earthlings, For I Am Your New Project Leader

4/29/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 29, 2014

4/29/2014 - Teens Getting High Off Lip Balm In New ‘Beezin’ Trend

4/28/2014 - Local TCBY Has Missed Past 2 Logo Changes

4/28/2014 - Americans Once Again Inspired As Kerri Strug Limps To Liquor Store

4/28/2014 - It’s Impossible To Say Whose Voice That Was, But He Made Some Compelling Points

4/28/2014 - Feds Bust Massive Child Pornography Corporation

4/28/2014 - What The Average Teen Spends On Prom

4/28/2014 - George Clooney Engaged

4/28/2014 - Gym Teacher Still Remembers Names Of Every Former Pantywaist

4/28/2014 - Bill And Melinda Scoggins Foundation Pledges $58 For Charity

4/28/2014 - Mom Packs Encouraging Note In Own Lunch

4/28/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 28, 2014

4/28/2014 - Maternity War

4/28/2014 - Florida School To Stop Giving Kids Mountain Dew Before Tests

4/25/2014 - The Pros And Cons Of Gun Control

4/25/2014 - 15-Second Meals

4/25/2014 - Ronald McDonald Gets Millennial Makeover

4/25/2014 - Should The NBA Raise The Eligibility Age To 20?

4/25/2014 - Grown Man Refers To Map At Beginning Of Novel To Find Out Where Ruined Castle Of Arnoth Is Located

4/25/2014 - Top Theoretical Physicists, R&B Singers Meet To Debate Meaning Of Forever

4/25/2014 - Local TCBY Has Missed Past 2 Logo Changes

4/25/2014 - Local Dumbfuck On Jumbotron Waits Until Last Damn Second To Wave

4/25/2014 - Tony Romo Leads Cowboys’ Intense Jazzercise Routine

4/25/2014 - Poll Finds Only 83% Of New Yorkers Visit Statue Of Liberty Every Day

4/25/2014 - Mattel Announces Barbie Movie

4/24/2014 - FDA Bans E-Cigarettes For Minors

4/24/2014 - World’s Luminaries Crowd Around ‘Time’ 100 List Posted On Editor’s Door

4/24/2014 - Disney CEO Figures They’ve Built Up Enough Goodwill To Do A Real Sexist One

4/24/2014 - Man Has Story For Every Stain On Pants

4/24/2014 - Small Business Still Manages To Mistreat Workers Like Large Corporate Chain

4/24/2014 - Why Aren't We Going To Prom?

4/24/2014 - Small Business Still Manages To Mistreat Workers Like Large Corporate Chain

4/24/2014 - Music Playing In Bar Could Stand To Be Louder, Worse

4/24/2014 - Chris Paul Encourages Local Youths To Stay Out Of Foul Trouble

4/24/2014 - Robinson Cano Didn’t Realize Mariners Expected Him To Run Their Social Media Too

4/24/2014 - Marc Summers Realizes Police Will Immediately Look For Body In Giant Pile Of Mashed Potatoes

4/24/2014 - U.S. Middle Class No Longer Richest In World

4/23/2014 - ‘Goonies’ Sequel In The Works

4/23/2014 - Neighborhood Kids Grant Landmark Status To House Where Guy Killed Himself

4/23/2014 - Horrifying Video Showing How Meat Products Are Eaten

4/23/2014 - Activists Release Horrifying Video Showing How Meat Products Are Eaten

4/23/2014 - Perverted Little Boy Asks To Sleep With Parents

4/23/2014 - NFL GMs Frantically Studying Bleacher Report Slideshow On Top College Prospects

4/23/2014 - How To Live Gluten-Free

4/23/2014 - Report: U.S. Still Leads World With Highest Density Of Kevins

4/23/2014 - Nintendo Game Boy Turns 25

4/22/2014 - NASA Asks For Selfies To Celebrate Earth Day

4/22/2014 - Like It Or Not, We All Die, Then Get Dug Up And Molested

4/22/2014 - Autopsy Determines Total Loser’s Corpse Contained No Traces Of Drugs, Alcohol

4/22/2014 - Obama Spends Another Night Searching Behind White House Paintings For Safes

4/22/2014 - Should Illegal Immigrants Be Deported?

4/22/2014 - Casinos Getting People To Play Longer By Telling Them Rest Of Civilization Destroyed

4/22/2014 - Visit Home Referred To As Vacation By Parents

4/22/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 22, 2014

4/22/2014 - Study: Home Rotisseries Only American Technological Field Still Advancing

4/22/2014 - The Case For And Against Circumcision

4/22/2014 - ‘Polar Vortex’ To Be Replaced By ‘Pollen Vortex’

4/21/2014 - Government Approves Sale Of Powdered Alcohol

4/21/2014 - Report: Average American Consuming 4 Ounces Of Cheese Right Now

4/21/2014 - Friend’s Threats To Come Visit Becoming Disturbingly More Genuine

4/21/2014 - Camden Yards Concessions To Stop Selling Crack After Seventh Inning

4/21/2014 - The Cost Of The Average ER Visit

4/21/2014 - Xylophonist Shredding It

4/21/2014 - Employee’s Meteoric Rise Through Company A Testament To Staff Turnover

4/21/2014 - White Male Privilege Squandered On Job At Best Buy

4/21/2014 - Colorado Legalizes Medicinal Fireworks

4/21/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 21, 2014

4/21/2014 - Study: Casual Marijuana Use Can Still Cause Brain Abnormalities

4/21/2014 - Degree Of Separation

4/21/2014 - TSA Agent Can’t Bring Himself To Make Dad Take Off Comfy Shoes

4/19/2014 - The Week In Sports – Week Of April 19, 2014

4/18/2014 - Naked Man On The Street

4/18/2014 - Our Tips For Getting Nauseated And Staying Nauseated

4/18/2014 - Chelsea Clinton Expecting First Child

4/18/2014 - Man Attempting To Determine Whether Restaurant Closed Without Getting Too Close

4/18/2014 - Xylophonist Shredding It

4/18/2014 - Alabama Quietly Strikes Bo Bice Day From State Calendar

4/18/2014 - Jaguars Surprised By String Of Prospects Openly Discussing Prior Drug Use, Criminal Activity During Interviews

4/18/2014 - Catcher Keeps Signaling 'I Love You'

4/18/2014 - Planning The Perfect Easter Egg Hunt

4/17/2014 - Online Wizarding University Opens For Harry Potter Fans

4/17/2014 - Pro-Life Demonstrator Clearly Using Image Of Subway Chicken Enchilada Melt On Anti-Abortion Poster

4/17/2014 - What Do You Think Of The MLB’s New Instant Replay System?

4/17/2014 - Gas Station Clerk Glad To See Pump 2 Doing So Well Today

4/17/2014 - Fisher-Price Designer Would Like To See 2-Year-Old Try And Choke On Newest Version

4/17/2014 - ‘Mrs. Doubtfire’ Sequel In The Works

4/17/2014 - New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

4/17/2014 - Cottonelle Beat Bums: Wazoo

4/17/2014 - Moviegoer Manages To Sneak Candy Past Teenage Usher Earning $7 An Hour

4/17/2014 - The Onion's Tips For Getting A Good Night's Sleep

4/17/2014 - Joe Dumars Resigns To Spend More Time Rebuilding Family

4/17/2014 - Newly Discovered Cave Paintings Suggest Early Man Was Battling A Lot Of Inner Demons

4/17/2014 - Roman Centurion Crawling Out Of New York City Manhole In For One Wacky Adventure

4/17/2014 - How Are We Spending Our Tax Refund?

4/16/2014 - Snacking May Help Minimize Spousal Conflict

4/16/2014 - Creationism Vs. Evolution: The Arguments For Each Side

4/16/2014 - Google Glass Users Facing Verbal, Physical Attacks

4/16/2014 - Dad Announces Plan To Honk When He’s Out Front

4/16/2014 - New Employee Still Eager Enough To Pick Up Slack For Coworkers

4/16/2014 - George W. Bush Debuts New Paintings Of Dogs, Friends, Ghost Of Iraqi Child That Follows Him Everywhere

4/16/2014 - Area Man Cleans Apartment Once Every Relationship

4/16/2014 - Good Charlotte Recording 10 New Songs To Be Played At Low Volume In P.F. Chang’s

4/16/2014 - Community Theater Gives Part Of Blanche DuBois To Kathy Fucking Hamilton

4/16/2014 - Aldon Smith Quietly Relieved Terrorist Plot Wasn’t Totally Compromised

4/15/2014 - Marijuana Vending Machine Unveiled In Colorado

4/15/2014 - KFC Selling Chicken Prom Corsages

4/15/2014 - Doctor Recalls Average-Looking Sibling Who Inspired Him To Go Into Cosmetic Surgery

4/15/2014 - Group Of Fifth-Grade Boys Discover Pile Of Naked Ladies Discarded In Woods

4/15/2014 - Intramural Rugby Game Taking Up Field For Last 2 Fucking Hours

4/15/2014 - SPONSORED: Barbed Wire Industry Protests Negative Portrayal In ‘Evil Within’ Video Game

4/15/2014 - FBI Uncovers Al-Qaeda Plot To Just Sit Back And Enjoy Collapse Of United States

4/15/2014 - Doctor Recalls Average-Looking Sibling Who Inspired Him To Go Into Cosmetic Surgery

4/15/2014 - It’s Been A While Since Someone Wrote A Hit Song About Twistin’

4/15/2014 - Everyone In Bustling Chinese Parade Attempting To Elude Pursuers

4/15/2014 - Man Trying To Get Out Of Executioner Duty

4/15/2014 - Report: Chances Of IRS Tax Audit Lowest Since The 1980s

4/15/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 15, 2014

4/15/2014 - Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, Barbara Bush Hit D.C. Bar Scene For First Ladies Night Specials

4/14/2014 - Man Appalled At Date Who Lied Slightly More Than Him On Online Dating Profile

4/14/2014 - Beef Prices Highest In 27 Years

4/14/2014 - Man With No Plans Just Too Exhausted To Go Out

4/14/2014 - Rival PGA Hooligans Clash During Final Round Of Masters

4/14/2014 - What Up, This Is Ice Cube And Today, After Weeks Of Delays, I’m Going To Take You On A Ride Along

4/14/2014 - The Rising Cost Of Weddings

4/14/2014 - Margin Notes Left On Menu From Previous Ruby Tuesday Customer

4/14/2014 - Do You Believe Felons Should Have The Right To Vote?

4/14/2014 - Parents Surprised Cruel Teen Daughter Hasn’t Pushed Classmate To Breaking Point Yet

4/14/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 14, 2014

4/14/2014 - Not-So-Good Friday

4/14/2014 - Americans Opting For Small Dogs Over Babies

4/13/2014 - Social

4/12/2014 - World’s Best Contact Jugglers Converge At Coachella

4/11/2014 - Exit From Apartment Delayed 20 Seconds To Avoid Pleasantries With Neighbor

4/11/2014 - Scholars: ‘Gospel Of Jesus’ Wife’ Authentic

4/11/2014 - The Onion #145: Double Cross On The Docks

4/11/2014 - Woman Barely Jogging

4/11/2014 - Last Living California Raisin Dies Of Prostate Cancer

4/11/2014 - Progressive Zoo Houses Animals In Natural Destroyed Habitat

4/11/2014 - Tour Becoming One-On-One Between Guide And Man Who Knew Name Of McKinley’s Assassin

4/11/2014 - NBA Announces Initiative To Reduce League’s Garbage Time By 50%

4/11/2014 - Report Finds Steady Rise In Stay-At-Home Mothers

4/11/2014 - Shoe Scientists Unveil Advanced ‘Double Knot’ Technology

4/10/2014 - Joakim Noah Sets NBA Record For Most Consecutive Screams

4/10/2014 - Canadian Dentist Plans To Clone John Lennon

4/10/2014 - Biologists Confirm God Evolved From Chimpanzee Deity

4/10/2014 - Area Man Mystified By Layout Of Adjacent Town’s Kroger

4/10/2014 - The Lasting Impact Of Climate Change

4/10/2014 - Statue Of Liberty Corporation To Shut Down All But New York Flagship Statue

4/10/2014 - Determined Restaurant Patrons Tough It Out On Chilly Patio

4/10/2014 - Baseball Fans Call For More Goofy-As-Shit Batting Stances

4/10/2014 - Child Shown Field Where Cubs Suck

4/10/2014 - Where Did It All Go Wrong?

4/9/2014 - CDC: Teens Losing Virginity Prior To Sex Ed

4/9/2014 - Archie Comics To Kill Off Archie

4/9/2014 - Alcohol Unfairly Blamed For Local Man’s Impaired Judgment

4/9/2014 - U.S. Surgeon General Recommends Patching Things Up With Father-In-Law

4/9/2014 - Couple Keeps It Interesting By Bickering In Different Positions, Rooms

4/9/2014 - Fashion Industry Declares Hottest Spring Look Is Upbeat Attitude

4/9/2014 - Person Cropped Out Of Match.com Picture Clearly Buzz Lightyear

4/9/2014 - Elite Congressman Trained To Kill Legislation In 24 Different Ways

4/9/2014 - Couple Keeps It Interesting By Bickering In Different Positions, Rooms

4/9/2014 - NBA Viewers Ruled Out Until Playoffs

4/8/2014 - Scottish Town Builds $8,000 Statue Of Stray Cat

4/8/2014 - Bill Clinton, George W. Bush Watch NCAA Final Together

4/8/2014 - Dale Earnhardt Jr. Catches On Fire During Press Conference

4/8/2014 - Jock Scientists Discover Gay Gene In Carl

4/8/2014 - I Wish I Could Get Through To You With A Sports Analogy, Young Man

4/8/2014 - The Pros And Cons Of Vaccinating Children

4/8/2014 - New Employee Finally Around Long Enough To Be Deemed Incompetent

4/8/2014 - Woman In Kickboxing Class Can Tell She’s Going To Whine About How Sore She Is In The Morning

4/8/2014 - Spider Invasion Leads To Mazda Recall

4/8/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 8, 2014

4/8/2014 - Married Couple Only Staying Together For Sake Of U.S. Divorce Rate

4/7/2014 - Smooth Operator Also Forklift Operator

4/7/2014 - ‘Captain America’ Smashes Box-Office Records

4/7/2014 - Man Begins Life In New City By Taking Last Ever Walk Around Neighborhood

4/7/2014 - Buster Olney Breaks In New Microphone By Tucking It Under Mattress For Night

4/7/2014 - Weeping Willow Gets Bangs

4/7/2014 - Physician Shoots Off A Few Adderall Prescriptions To Improve Yelp Rating

4/7/2014 - Should Companies Be Required To Cover Birth Control In Their Health Insurance Policies?

4/7/2014 - Immigrant Also Applying To A Few Reach Countries

4/7/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 7, 2014

4/7/2014 - That's All She Rotor

4/7/2014 - Study: Morning Light Can Help You Lose Body Fat

4/4/2014 - Cereal Box Characters Lure Children In With Their Eyes

4/4/2014 - Man Clearly Gamed ‘Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Are You?’ Quiz To Get Raphael

4/4/2014 - Smooth Operator Also Forklift Operator

4/4/2014 - NFL Increasingly Worried About Character Issues Of Fans

4/4/2014 - Top Of Mt. Everest Pulling Away Majority Of Hollywood Films With Generous Tax Credit Program

4/4/2014 - What Are You Most Looking Forward To This Baseball Season?

4/4/2014 - Coco Crisp Shyly Asks Bob Melvin If A’s Are Poor

4/4/2014 - Date Invites Woman Upstairs To Check Out Red Flags

4/4/2014 - Report: U.S. Built Secret ‘Cuban Twitter’ To Stir Political Unrest

4/3/2014 - U.S. Currency Finally Achieves Universal Suffrage

4/3/2014 - Supreme Court Eliminates Cap On Individual Campaign Donations

4/3/2014 - Mother Constantly Worried About Son Stationed On U.S. Military Base

4/3/2014 - Why Aren't We Answering The Phone?

4/3/2014 - The Onions Tips For Nailing A Job Interview

4/3/2014 - Ryan Braun Desperate To Regain Trust Of Fans Before Cheating Again

4/3/2014 - ‘Forbes’ Releases 2014 List Of Most Punchable CEOs

4/3/2014 - FedEx Confirms More Than 600,000 People Try To Mail Themselves Each Year

4/3/2014 - Woman Tragically Succumbs To Natural Hair Color

4/3/2014 - Woman Going To Take Quick Break After Filling Out Name, Address On Tax Forms

4/3/2014 - Creationists Stall South Carolina ‘State Fossil’ Bill

4/2/2014 - Michael Jackson Album To Feature New Songs

4/2/2014 - Report: 58% Of World’s Japanese Speakers White 23-Year-Old American Males

4/2/2014 - Study Finds Earth Located In Lamest Part Of Universe

4/2/2014 - Tips For Getting In Shape

4/2/2014 - Study Finds Earth Located In Lamest Part Of Universe

4/2/2014 - Nation Already Sick Of Baseball

4/2/2014 - Increasing Number Of Men Pressured To Accept Realistic Standards Of Female Beauty

4/2/2014 - EPA Announces New Initiative To Conserve Whatever’s Left

4/2/2014 - Creature That Craps In Box Too Fancy For Dry Food

4/2/2014 - Study: Popularity Can Raise Risk Of Being Bullied

4/1/2014 - ‘Jeopardy’ Turns 50

4/1/2014 - NBA Players Unhappy About New Full-Body Jerseys

4/1/2014 - New Law Requires Richard Gere To Personally Inform Residents When He Moves To New Neighborhood

4/1/2014 - Kevin Garnett Mostly Just Pounding Chest To Keep Heart Going At This Point

4/1/2014 - How The TSA Plans To Improve Airport Security

4/1/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 1, 2014

4/1/2014 - Study Finds Majority Of Non-Shark-Related Fears Completely Unjustified

4/1/2014 - If God Exists, Why Doesn’t He Throw Us, Like, A Really Fucking Sweet Party?

4/1/2014 - Lazy Wildlife Rescuer Lets Oily Pelicans Pile Up In Sink For 5 Days

4/1/2014 - Netflix Town Criers Announce Arrival Of ‘Mad Men’ Season 6 On Streaming

4/1/2014 - Older Cousin Thinks It About Time To Have Uninformed Sex Talk With Area 8-Year-Old

4/1/2014 - NASA Asks Public To Vote On New Spacesuit

4/1/2014 - Monopods