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2014 February
2/28/2014 - Empire State Building Reopens Spire To Visitors
2/28/2014 - National Milk Industry Drops "Got Milk"
2/28/2014 - Political Cartoonist’s Wife Finds Disturbing Nude Drawings Of Uncle Sam
2/28/2014 - The Onion Film Standard: Oscars Edition
2/28/2014 - Stripper Surprised She Only Talked To 2 Homicide Detectives Today
2/28/2014 - How Oscar Winners Are Selected
2/28/2014 - Yosemite Or Yellowstone: Which Name Is Technically 'Correct'?
2/27/2014 - Study: ‘Tetris’ Can Help Curb Food, Cigarette Cravings
2/27/2014 - FDA Proposes Altering Nutrition Labels
2/27/2014 - Modern Science Still Only Able To Predict One Upcoming Tetris Block
2/27/2014 - Tips For Troubleshooting Your Computer
2/27/2014 - Report: Local Gas Station Wouldn’t Be That Hard To Rob
2/27/2014 - Report: Local Gas Station Wouldn’t Be That Hard To Rob
2/27/2014 - Coach Pretty Sure Heated Locker Room Dispute Over Unpaid Gambling Debts Will Work Itself Out
2/27/2014 - Disturbing Fast Food Truth Not Exactly A Game-Changer For Impoverished Single Mom Of 3
2/27/2014 - Worst-Selling Frozen Dinners
2/27/2014 - ‘People’ To Stop Publishing Photos Of Celeb Kids
2/26/2014 - Is Emma Stone Sporting A Baby Bump? A Nine-Year-Old Boy Tells Us What He Thinks
2/26/2014 - CDC: Obesity Down 43% Among Babies
2/26/2014 - Dick Vitale Undergoes Annual Bracketological Examination
2/26/2014 - Study: Online Content Creators Outnumber Consumers 2,000 To 1
2/26/2014 - Close-Minded Man Not Even Willing To Hear Out Argument On Why Homosexuality An Abomination
2/26/2014 - Friend Attempting To Provide Comfort Has No Clue What The Fuck She’s Talking About
2/26/2014 - Monsanto Develops Hardier Strain Of Corn That Yields 4 Times Normal Litigation
2/26/2014 - Why Has This Winter Been So Harsh?
2/26/2014 - Famous Locker Room Speeches
2/26/2014 - Pentagon Proposes Scaling Back Army To Pre-WWII Levels
2/25/2014 - Taco Bell Introduces Breakfast Menu
2/25/2014 - Man Who Keeps Keys On Carabiner Must Rappel Into Office Building Every Morning
2/25/2014 - Fourth-Grader Named Jackson To Someday Fire You
2/25/2014 - Provisions Of Arizona’s Proposed Anti-Gay Law
2/25/2014 - Cancer Diagnosed With Skip Bayless
2/25/2014 - American Airlines To Phase Out Complimentary Cabin Pressurization
2/25/2014 - Reverend Al Sharpton Takes Time Off From Holy Duties To Make TV Appearance
2/25/2014 - Cranky Businessman Quieted For Entire Trip With Brightly Colored Cell Phone Game
2/25/2014 - New ‘Doctors Without Licenses’ Program Provides Incompetent Medical Care To Refugees
2/25/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 25, 2014
2/25/2014 - Amtrak Experimenting With Writers Residencies
2/24/2014 - Self-Conscious Flasher Fully Clothed Under Trench Coat
2/24/2014 - World’s Most Wanted Drug Kingpin Captured
2/24/2014 - Debate Raging As To Whether Michael Jordan Or LeBron James Biggest Asshole To Ever Play Basketball
2/24/2014 - 6 Dogs Who Know How To Have Fun
2/24/2014 - Billions Of Electric Signals Between Neurons Allow Brain To Imagine What Michael Imperioli Looks Like
2/24/2014 - Expressing Deeply Held Political Opinion Referred To As ‘Gaffe’
2/24/2014 - Area Man Coasting By On Good Looks, Work Ethic, In-Depth Knowledge Of Virginia Real Estate Law
2/24/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 24, 2014
2/24/2014 - Guess Who's Succumbing To Dinner?
2/24/2014 - Are You In Favor Of Capital Punishment?
2/24/2014 - Cats, Dogs May See Things Invisible To Human Eye
2/23/2014 - The 2014 Winter Olympics In Review
2/21/2014 - Self-Conscious Flasher Fully Clothed Under Trench Coat
2/21/2014 - Sochi’s Euthanized Dogs To Be Returned To Streets After Olympics
2/21/2014 - Study: Best, Most Important Memories Made Before Age 25
2/21/2014 - German Leaders Quietly Confident They Could Pull Off Another Holocaust If They Ever Really Wanted
2/21/2014 - SHOCKER: SNL Kills Off Beloved Seth Meyers Character
2/21/2014 - What Was Your Favorite Moment Of The Sochi Olympics?
2/21/2014 - We Beat The Shit Out Of This Guy
2/21/2014 - Pitchers, Catchers Report To Spring Training Bars
2/21/2014 - So-Called Christian Has Erection
2/21/2014 - Report: Maid Of Honor Not Even That Good Of Friends With Bride
2/20/2014 - Loneliness Raises Risk Of Early Death
2/20/2014 - Nestlé Recalls Hot Pockets
2/20/2014 - Revelations From The Wells Report
2/20/2014 - Open Relationship Gives Couple Freedom To Emotionally Drain Other People From Time To Time
2/20/2014 - Open Relationship Gives Couple Freedom To Emotionally Drain Other People From Time To Time
2/20/2014 - Superstitious Man Puts Bag Of Trash Outside House Every Thursday
2/20/2014 - Olympic Officials To Have Ski Jumpers Go One At A Time From Now On
2/20/2014 - Winter Olympics Inspire Nation’s Youth To Try Sports Their Parents Can’t Afford
2/20/2014 - Child Protective Services Hopes Caseworker Ready For A Doozy
2/20/2014 - New Parents Wisely Start College Fund That Will Pay For 12 Weeks Of Education
2/20/2014 - Nemesis Lands Alumni Magazine Cover
2/20/2014 - Why Aren't We Watching The Olympics?
2/20/2014 - Tips For Pulling An All-Nighter
2/20/2014 - 15-Year-Old Figure Skating Sensation No Match For Zamboni
2/20/2014 - Poll: 86% Of NFL Players Okay With Gay Teammate
2/20/2014 - Onlookers Gape As Daredevil Crosses Street Without Basic Health Insurance
2/19/2014 - Barbie Appears On Cover Of ‘Sports Illustrated’ Swimsuit Issue
2/19/2014 - G.I. Joe Turns 50
2/19/2014 - Supposed Adult Pays Man To Sit In Room And Listen To Him Talk About His Feelings
2/19/2014 - 9/11 Truther Vows Not To Rest Until Everyone Knows He An Asshole
2/19/2014 - The Onion's Tips For Healthy Eating
2/19/2014 - Scandinavian Conquerors Ransack Seaside Village Of All Its Gold
2/19/2014 - Richie Incognito Disappointed Wells Report Left Out Best Stuff He Did To Jonathan Martin
2/19/2014 - Do You Support Banning The Possession Of Handguns?
2/19/2014 - Emergency Crews Attempt To Rescue Olympic Figure Skater Who Fell Through Ice
2/19/2014 - Anderson Cooper Decides To Keep Recent Gay Conversion Therapy Private
2/19/2014 - Taco Bell To Begin Taking Smartphone Orders
2/18/2014 - U.S. Wins Its First Olympic Gold Medal In Ice Dancing
2/18/2014 - Netflix Introduces New ‘Browse Endlessly’ Plan
2/18/2014 - U.S. Advances To Women’s Hockey, Hey, Get The Fuck Back Here
2/18/2014 - Honestly, I Always Saw Edward Scissorhands As The Villain
2/18/2014 - Man Spends Entire Weekend Binge-Watching Neighbor
2/18/2014 - ‘God Fucking Dammit, You’re A Stupid Fucking Moron,’ Whispers Woman Who Realizes She Missed Ice Dancing
2/18/2014 - High School Principal Can Already Tell Students Are Going To Eat This One Alive
2/18/2014 - Study: More Children Growing Up In Single-Parrot Households
2/18/2014 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 18, 2014
2/18/2014 - Real-Life Nancy Drew Traces Source Of Her HPV
2/17/2014 - Study: Wives More Educated Than Husbands In U.S.
2/17/2014 - 22.7 Million Pixels Of Raw Slideshow Power
2/17/2014 - Nation’s Shark Experts: ‘You Could’ve Had This Job’
2/17/2014 - Fourth-Grader Drawing Big Blank On Which Year 9/11 Terror Attacks Occurred
2/17/2014 - Growing Ball Of Snow, Outstretched Limbs Barreling Down Slopes Wins Silver
2/17/2014 - Delighted Health Insurance Executives Gather In Outdoor Coliseum To Watch Patient Battle Cancer
2/17/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 17, 2014
2/17/2014 - Report: Stating Current Year Still Leading Argument For Social Reform
2/17/2014 - Study: Double Dating Ignites Passion In Relationships
2/17/2014 - America The Booty-ful
2/16/2014 - Study: Half Of U.S. Adults Use Phones For Sexting
2/14/2014 - Devoted Abuser Stops By Girlfriend’s Office To Deliver Surprise Threat
2/14/2014 - The Week In Sports – Week Of February 15, 2014
2/14/2014 - Facebook Adds More Than 50 New Gender Options
2/14/2014 - Valentine's Day By The Numbers
2/14/2014 - At What Age Should You Tell Your Child They Were The Only Way To Make Your Husband Stay?
2/14/2014 - Keyboard’s Second Row A Veritable Who’s Who Of Special Punctuation Characters
2/14/2014 - Middle-Aged Waiter Sadly Not Involved In Any Creative Endeavor
2/14/2014 - Middle-Aged Waiter Sadly Not Involved In Any Creative Endeavor
2/14/2014 - Big Brown Makes Winter Olympic Debut
2/14/2014 - Greatest Barrier Breakers In Sports
2/14/2014 - Manic Researchers Announce They Are Hours Away From Cure For Depression
2/14/2014 - NFL Camera Operators Prepare For Challenging Year Of Avoiding Offensive Michael Sam Signs
2/14/2014 - Study: Crocodiles Can Climb Trees
2/13/2014 - Actor Shows Incredible Lack Of Commitment To Role By Staying Out Of Character Even During Takes
2/13/2014 - Nation’s Girlfriends Admit Absolutely Everything Riding On Valentine’s Day
2/13/2014 - Olympic Village Tour: See Where The Athletes Live, Train And Fuck Each Other
2/13/2014 - Comcast To Acquire Time Warner Cable For $45 Billion
2/13/2014 - Coworkers Currently Gchatting About You
2/13/2014 - New Poll Finds Most NFL Players Still Not Ready To Date Gay Teammate
2/13/2014 - Subway Employee Still Unnerved By High-Pitched Screech Sandwiches Make When Cut In Half
2/13/2014 - Hello, Do You Have A Moment To Tell Me About Jesus Christ?
2/13/2014 - Father Marvels At How Quickly Kids Growing Distant
2/13/2014 - Stephen Breyer Sets Supreme Court Record For Most Gavels In Mouth
2/13/2014 - Least Inspirational Sports Movies
2/13/2014 - Teens More Stressed Than Adults
2/12/2014 - FBI Offering $10,000 For Help In Curbing Laser Strikes
2/12/2014 - Biggest Upsets Of The Sochi Olympics
2/12/2014 - Parking Lot Attendant Seemingly Unaware New Day A Gift From God
2/12/2014 - Derek Jeter Announces 2012 Will Be His Final Decent Season
2/12/2014 - Derek Jeter: Onion Sports Pays Tribute To The 47th Greatest Yankee
2/12/2014 - The Onion Reviews 'RoboCop'
2/12/2014 - Do You Approve Of How Pope Francis Is Leading The Catholic Church?
2/12/2014 - Nation Admits It Would’ve Been Fun To Watch Marcus Smart Beat Absolute Shit Out Of Fan
2/12/2014 - Drunken Man Careens Wildly Across Internet
2/12/2014 - Nation Intrigued By Bizarre Olympic Sport Of Hockey
2/11/2014 - Lean In, Getty Images Alter Portrayal Of Women In Stock Photos
2/11/2014 - Inspired Man Bolts Out Of Bed At 3 A.M. To Jot Down Great New Worry
2/11/2014 - Compromising Company’s Values For Advertising Revenue Referred To As ‘Partnering’
2/11/2014 - Tips For Disciplining Your Kids
2/11/2014 - Shirley Temple Dies At 85
2/11/2014 - College Graduate First Person In Family To Waste $160,000
2/11/2014 - Woman Has Boy Handwriting
2/11/2014 - Nitro Expected To Win Westminster Dog Fight
2/11/2014 - NASCAR Fans Realize Richard Petty May Not Be As Open-Minded As He Looks
2/11/2014 - Report: Seasonal Depression Still Better Than Purchasing Tiny Sunshine Lamp
2/11/2014 - Conservative Acquaintance Annoyingly Not Racist
2/11/2014 - Olympian Has Always Dreamed About One Day Having Fun With Friends
2/11/2014 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of February 11, 2014
2/10/2014 - Fun Sticker Placed On Child’s Ventilator
2/10/2014 - Humanity Forced To Put Down Aging God
2/10/2014 - 'Dumb Starbucks’ Opens In Downtown L.A.
2/10/2014 - Endangered Rhino Just Wishes His Horn Didn’t Make People Immortal
2/10/2014 - New Study Finds Only 88% Of Guitar Center Customers Become Famous Musicians
2/10/2014 - Coworker Who Already Breathes, Chews Loudly Thinking About Getting Into Arrhythmically Drumming On Desk
2/10/2014 - Michael Sam Hoping Sexuality Won’t Be Issue In Locker Room Full Of Testosterone-Fueled Former High School Bullies
2/10/2014 - Winter Olympics Schedule
2/10/2014 - Live Cow Lowered Onto Floor Of U.S. House Of Representatives
2/10/2014 - Celebrating The 50th Anniversary Of The Beatles On Ed Sullivan
2/10/2014 - Lolo Jones Becomes First American To Be Objectified In Both Winter And Summer Events
2/10/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 10, 2014
2/10/2014 - Preempting Strikes
2/10/2014 - 100,000 Condoms Distributed To Olympic Athletes
2/8/2014 - The Week In Sports – Week Of February 8, 2014
2/7/2014 - What Was Your Favorite Part Of The Sochi Opening Ceremony?
2/7/2014 - Subway Removing Shoe Rubber Chemical From Sandwich Bread
2/7/2014 - Fun Sticker Placed On Child's Ventilator
2/7/2014 - Lapsed Cult Member Only Attends Sanctum On Major Bloodletting Holidays
2/7/2014 - Renovations Force Yosemite National Park To Temporarily Relocate To Sacramento Office Space
2/7/2014 - Exhuming Mom For One Last Hug: A Privilege Of The Wealthy?
2/7/2014 - Report: It Too Soon To Glance Back At Attractive Person
2/7/2014 - It’s Tough Sometimes Being Considered The Most Important Songwriter Of The 20th Century
2/7/2014 - International Olympians To Watch
2/7/2014 - Nation’s Parents Release Annual Ranking Of Top 50 ‘Perfectly Good’ State Schools
2/7/2014 - American Olympians To Watch
2/7/2014 - Russian Officials Promise Low Death Toll For Olympics
2/6/2014 - ‘American Idol’ Star Clay Aiken Running For Congress
2/6/2014 - Man Swells With Shame After Entering Zip Code Into Girl Scout Cookie Locator
2/6/2014 - Protagonist Rapidly Getting Dressed Must Be Late, Reports Cunning Viewer Recognizing Film’s Subtext
2/6/2014 - New Blog Piece On Woody Allen To Settle Everything
2/6/2014 - DMX To Fight George Zimmerman In Boxing Match
2/6/2014 - Report: Rising Number Of Weak, Emasculated Men Working As Stay-At-Home Dads
2/6/2014 - Report: Rising Number Of Weak, Emasculated Men Working As Stay-At-Home Dads
2/6/2014 - What, No Coat?
2/6/2014 - Couple Never Dreamed They Would Be Able To Talk So Openly, Honestly About Cabinets
2/6/2014 - Kevin Durant Has Off Night With Quiet 94-For-128, 210-Point Performance
2/6/2014 - Least Common Advice Column Pseudonyms
2/6/2014 - Study Finds There Are Only 4 Human Emotions
2/6/2014 - Neighborhood Has Gotten A Lot Safer Since Mayor Vanquished Fire Troll
2/5/2014 - CVS To Become First Major Drugstore To Stop Selling Tobacco
2/5/2014 - Athletes Arrive In Sochi For 2-Week Living Nightmare
2/5/2014 - Man Moving To New City Never Took Time To Truly Loathe Surroundings
2/5/2014 - Employees Given List Of Doctors Shitty Enough To Accept Company’s Health Insurance Plan
2/5/2014 - Russia Applauds America's Efforts To Exclude Gay Athletes From Professional Sports
2/5/2014 - Man Moving To New City Never Took Time To Truly Loathe Surroundings
2/5/2014 - Report: Girlfriend’s Parents Could Hear Everything
2/5/2014 - Distant Planet Terrified It Might Be Able To Someday Support Human Life
2/5/2014 - Congress Is Playing Professional Tournament-Level Ping-Pong With This Nation’s Future
2/5/2014 - Trojan Unveils New 3-Piece Formal Condoms
2/5/2014 - Local Company Introduces New Take Your Daughter’s Friend To Work Day
2/5/2014 - Military Drone Takes Advantage Of GI Bill Education Benefits
2/4/2014 - Sochi The Most Expensive Winter Olympics Ever
2/4/2014 - Microsoft Employees Fondly Remember Days When CEOs Were So Big They Took Up Entire Rooms
2/4/2014 - New Snack Chip Evades Digestive System, Burrows Straight Into Heart
2/4/2014 - Castaway Ate Turtles, Birds While Stranded 13 Months At Sea
2/4/2014 - Newly Tenured Professor Now Inspired To Work Harder Than Ever
2/4/2014 - Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Have Never Met Willem Dafoe
2/4/2014 - 10 Years Of Facebook
2/4/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 4, 2014
2/3/2014 - New Program Provides Depressed Americans With Suicide Assistance Dogs
2/3/2014 - Northeast Sees Rise Of Mutant ‘Zombie’ Bees
2/3/2014 - Super Bowl Packs Up, Leaves Town In 40-Wagon Train
2/3/2014 - Frantic Biden Searching Dog Shelter For Bo Look-Alike
2/3/2014 - 57 Women Stoned To Death During Annual Riyadh Fashion Week
2/3/2014 - Multilingual Coca-Cola Ad Spurs Backlash
2/3/2014 - Majority Of Office’s Supplies Used To Apply For Different Job
2/3/2014 - Content Could Be Hotter, More Social
2/3/2014 - Do You Think The Minimum Wage Should Be Increased?
2/3/2014 - Gentlemen's Snub
2/3/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 3, 2014
2/3/2014 - Procrastinating Attorney Just Reuses Opening Statement from Last Trial
2/3/2014 - Girl Scouts Introduce Gluten-Free Cookies
2/2/2014 - Panicking Marshawn Lynch Unable To Deactivate Beast Mode
2/2/2014 - Super Bowl Confetti Made Entirely From Shredded Concussion Studies
2/2/2014 - Depraved Lombardi Trophy Excited To Be Covered In Greasy Fingerprints
2/2/2014 - What Did You Think Of The Super Bowl Halftime Show?
2/2/2014 - Huskies Unstoppable During Cold-Weather Puppy Bowl
2/2/2014 - What Did You Think Of That?
2/2/2014 - Roger Goodell Freezes To Death
2/2/2014 - Seahawks vs. Broncos
2/2/2014 - Troy Aikman Fruitlessly Attempts To Conjure Super Bowl Memory For On-Air Anecdote
2/1/2014 - 30 People With Publicists