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2014 January
1/31/2014 - Rutgers University Offers Course On Beyoncé
1/31/2014 - The 2013 NFL Season: A Retrospective
1/31/2014 - New Program Provides Depressed Americans With Suicide Assistance Dogs
1/31/2014 - Nation Terrified After Millions Lose Consciousness For 8 Whole Hours Last Night
1/31/2014 - Report: Today The Day They Find Out You’re A Fraud
1/31/2014 - Study Finds 60% Of Parents Too Busy With Divorce To Worry About Football Safety
1/31/2014 - Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl XLVIII
1/31/2014 - Earl Thomas
1/31/2014 - Richard Sherman
1/31/2014 - Marshawn Lynch
1/31/2014 - Russell Wilson
1/31/2014 - Pete Carroll
1/31/2014 - Terrance Knighton
1/31/2014 - Champ Bailey
1/31/2014 - Wes Welker
1/31/2014 - Peyton Manning
1/31/2014 - John Fox
1/31/2014 - Teacher Surprised The 2 Weird Kids Haven’t Hit It Off Yet
1/31/2014 - Pete Carroll’s Friends, Family Admit They’d Love To See Him Get Blown Out In A Super Bowl
1/30/2014 - Study: Liberals Drink More Than Conservatives
1/30/2014 - Government To Pay You $3,000 To Get Flu
1/30/2014 - Man On Vacation Suddenly Realizes No One Feeding His Hostages
1/30/2014 - Justin Bieber’s Rise And Fall
1/30/2014 - Nation Terrified After Millions Lose Consciousness For 8 Whole Hours Last Night
1/30/2014 - New Study Shows That Bones Are Incredibly Cool
1/30/2014 - Area Woman Said ‘Sorry’ 118 Times Yesterday
1/30/2014 - Gay Couple Weirded Out By Pope Francis Standing In Back Of Wedding Ceremony
1/30/2014 - Least Beloved Product Mascots
1/30/2014 - Al-Qaeda Operative Can’t Believe How Expensive Super Bowl Tickets Are
1/29/2014 - Providence, RI Named Most Godless City In U.S.
1/29/2014 - Obama Vows To Raise Minimum Wage
1/29/2014 - Horrified Man Suddenly Realizes He’s Putting Down Roots In Charlotte
1/29/2014 - Fact-Checking The State Of The Union Address
1/29/2014 - Increasingly Worried Man Hasn’t Yet Come Across Any Guacamole In Burrito
1/29/2014 - Area Grandma Enjoys Flourishing Correspondence With Mailer-Daemon
1/29/2014 - Increasingly Worried Man Hasn't Yet Come Across Any Guacamole In Burrito
1/29/2014 - How Russia Is Preparing For The Winter Olympics
1/29/2014 - Man Getting Screwed By Company’s $180,000 Health Deductible
1/29/2014 - Media Relieved They Don’t Have To Deal With Fucking Harbaughs This Year
1/28/2014 - Dad Delivers State Of The Union Rebuttal Directly Into Television Screen
1/28/2014 - Obama Admits U.S. Hasn’t Been The Same Since Buddy Holly Died
1/28/2014 - Biden Clenches Plastic Beer Cup In Teeth To Free Hands For Clapping
1/28/2014 - Obama Throws Small Business Owner Into Seat, Tells Him To Just Smile And Keep His Fucking Mouth Shut
1/28/2014 - Vial Of John Paul II’s Blood Stolen From Church
1/28/2014 - ‘Lean In’ To Be Made Into Movie
1/28/2014 - Wes Welker Tragically Crushed To Death By Tipped-Over Microphone
1/28/2014 - Aides Advise Obama To Avoid Any Mention Of America During State Of The Union Speech
1/28/2014 - 6-Day Visit To Rural African Village Completely Changes Woman’s Facebook Profile Picture
1/28/2014 - Doctor Quickly Scribbles Prescription That Will Lead To 30-Year Battle With Painkiller Addiction
1/28/2014 - Kid Figures He’ll Go Down Slide 35 More Times Then Call It A Day
1/28/2014 - Report: Everyone You’ve Ever Had A Crush On Secretly Had A Crush On You, They Still Do, And They’re Waiting For You
1/28/2014 - Surgeon General Advises Being 19 Years Old With 100 Bucks In Your Pocket And Your Whole Life In Front Of You
1/28/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 28, 2013
1/28/2014 - Cold Temperatures Help With Weight Loss
1/27/2014 - Lunchbox Mostly Medications
1/27/2014 - Highlights From Last Night’s Grammys
1/27/2014 - Spookiest Halloween Sound Effects Album Grammy Goes To Lord Chillingsworth
1/27/2014 - Queen Latifah Officiates 34 Weddings At Grammys
1/27/2014 - Aaron Eckhart Likes To Make One Frankenstein Movie For Them, One Frankenstein Movie For Himself
1/27/2014 - New Dating Website Helps Plus-Size Jewish Plane Crash Survivors Find Love
1/27/2014 - Area Child Disappointed To Learn Parents’ Love Unconditional
1/27/2014 - Do You Believe Edward Snowden Is A Traitor Or Hero?
1/27/2014 - Last Hoosier Dies In Captivity
1/27/2014 - Cat Teahouse To Open In San Francisco
1/27/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 27, 2014
1/27/2014 - Something To Chair About
1/26/2014 - Album That Has Nothing On Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Rumours’ Wins Grammy Award
1/26/2014 - Jay Z Honored To Be Nominated In Same Category As Jay Z
1/26/2014 - Macklemore Reminds Grammys Audience About CDs Available For Sale In Lobby
1/26/2014 - Kris Kristofferson Pretty Sure He’s Going On After Some Guy Named Lord
1/25/2014 - Giddy Thom Yorke Goes To Bed Early To Make Grammy Day Get Here Sooner
1/24/2014 - Pope Calls Internet ‘Gift From God’
1/24/2014 - Lunchbox Mostly Medication
1/24/2014 - Songs That Are Always On In Background Expected To Win Big At Grammys
1/24/2014 - Mascot Absolutely Reeks
1/24/2014 - Before-And-After Airbrushing Image Alerts Fashion Industry To Evil Of Its Ways
1/24/2014 - John Elway Informs Peyton Manning That He’ll Take Things From Here
1/24/2014 - 10 Lies That Could Save Your Marriage
1/24/2014 - Sick Fucks Line Up To Gape At Dead Body
1/24/2014 - Why Are We Filing For Disability?
1/23/2014 - 23% Of Americans Didn’t Read Book Last Year
1/23/2014 - Man Briefly Forgets Hotel Staff Are Not Humans
1/23/2014 - Nation’s Lunatics Lament Rising Cost Of Car Meat
1/23/2014 - Justin Bieber Arrested For DUI, Drag Racing
1/23/2014 - Nation’s Lunatics Lament Rising Cost Of Car Meat
1/23/2014 - Campus Tour Guides Reminded To Use Official Name For Rape Hall
1/23/2014 - High School Quarterback Starting To Suspect Friendship With Nick Saban Founded On Ulterior Motives
1/23/2014 - More Hollywood Celebrities Reproducing By Asexual Budding
1/23/2014 - Study Finds Marine Life Now Global Leader In Oil Imports
1/23/2014 - Report: Most Americans Can’t Even Name Their State’s Shadow Lord
1/23/2014 - Beautiful Cinnamon Roll Too Good For This World, Too Pure
1/23/2014 - How To Protect Your Personal Information Online
1/22/2014 - World’s 85 Richest As Wealthy As Half Global Population
1/22/2014 - Warren Buffett Offering $1 Billion For Perfect NCAA Bracket
1/22/2014 - Interns Treated To Informative 30-Minute Q&A Session With Totally Miserable Employees
1/22/2014 - Inclement Weather Prevents Liar From Getting To Work
1/22/2014 - Laid-Off Man Finally Achieves Perfect Work-Life Balance
1/22/2014 - Nation Back On Board With SeaWorld Following Awesome Orca Trick
1/22/2014 - Woman Takes Short Half-Hour Break From Being Feminist To Enjoy TV Show
1/22/2014 - Laid-Off Man Finally Achieves Perfect Work-Life Balance
1/22/2014 - Best, Most Original Idea Man’s Ever Had Returns 114,000 Google Search Results
1/22/2014 - Mom Just Called To Say Hi And That She’s Very Sad
1/21/2014 - Amazon Plans To Ship Items Before You Buy Them
1/21/2014 - New Leather-Bound Notebook To Really Unleash Area Woman's Creativity
1/21/2014 - Kids Snorting Smarties Candies In Nationwide Trend
1/21/2014 - BREAKING: Dogs Running
1/21/2014 - All-Knowing Invisible Hand Of Free Market Once Again Guides Millions In Profits To Nation’s Bead Stores
1/21/2014 - Thousands Of Athletes Who Will Disgrace Countries Eagerly Training For Winter Olympics
1/21/2014 - ‘12 Years A Slave,’ ‘Captain Phillips,’ ‘American Hustle,’ ‘Wolf Of Wall Street,’ ‘Blue Jasmine,’ ‘Dallas Buyers Club,’ ‘Her,’ ‘Nebraska,’ ‘Before Midnight,’ And ‘Philomena’ All Written During Same Continuing Education Screenwriting Class
1/21/2014 - Report: Imagine How Good It Would Feel To Just Crawl Back Into Bed Right Now
1/21/2014 - Sports Media Not Sure How It Going To Fit Super Bowl Coverage Into Just 2 Short Weeks
1/21/2014 - Ask Cover Letters For An Entry-Level Social Media Position At ‘Field & Stream’ Magazine
1/21/2014 - Fussy Eater 38
1/21/2014 - Report:
% Of Americans Suffer From Synesthesia
1/21/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 21, 2014
1/20/2014 - Hypochondriac Maple Tree Always Convinced It Has Asian Longhorn Beetles
1/20/2014 - Drinking Diet Soda Linked To Eating More
1/20/2014 - Beauty Industry Announces Massive New Initiative To Make Women Self-Conscious About Their Palms
1/20/2014 - How Chris Christie Can Survive Political Scandal
1/20/2014 - Genius Magazine Editor Does It Again With Marilyn Monroe–Inspired Photoshoot
1/20/2014 - Obama: Pot No More Harmful Than Alcohol
1/20/2014 - Report: Lake Ice Grows Safer To Venture Out On With Each Beer Consumed
1/20/2014 - Is Richard Sherman The NFL’s Best Corner?
1/20/2014 - Woman Shows Hairstylist Example Of Haircut She Wants
1/20/2014 - Do You Believe In Global Warming?
1/20/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 20, 2014
1/20/2014 - Bye-Awatha
1/20/2014 - Study: Childless Couples Have Happier Marriages
1/19/2014 - ‘At Least We’ll Get A Better Draft Pick,’ Reports Patriots Fan Rationalizing Deep, Pervasive Sadness
1/19/2014 - Ref's Uniform Clearly Painted On
1/19/2014 - Broncos vs. Patriots
1/19/2014 - 49ers vs. Seahawks
1/17/2014 - President Curbing NSA Spying
1/17/2014 - Woman Confusingly Tells Area Man She’s Not Interested In Him
1/17/2014 - Regaining Your Pregnancy Weight (And Keeping It On For Good)
1/17/2014 - Japan Grants Suffrage To Female Robots
1/17/2014 - Woman Confusingly Tells Area Man She’s Not Interested In Him
1/17/2014 - Report: ‘Swamp Thing’ And ‘The Return Of Swamp Thing’ Just 2 Of Literally Thousands Of Movies
1/17/2014 - Unemployed Detroit Resident Dismayed To Learn Job Opening Is With The Lions
1/17/2014 - Hypochondriac Maple Tree Always Convinced It Has Asian Longhorn Beetles
1/16/2014 - Michelle Obama Turns 50
1/16/2014 - Scientist: Cats View Owners As Large Cats
1/16/2014 - The Onion’s Oscar Picks
1/16/2014 - Nation’s Moms Dance Nude Around Moonlit Bonfire To Conjure Spirit Of Emma Thompson
1/16/2014 - BREAKING: Hundreds Feared Dead In Coors Light Party Train Crash
1/16/2014 - ‘And Yet, Is Not Beef Itself An Expression Of Wanton Lust?’ Bizarre New McDonald’s Ad Asks
1/16/2014 - Report: American Dream Now An Out-Of-Court Settlement
1/16/2014 - Grotesque Child Born With Only 99% Normal Human DNA
1/16/2014 - God Admits He Rarely Forgives
1/16/2014 - ‘And Yet, Is Not Beef Itself An Expression Of Wanton Lust?’ Bizarre New McDonald’s Ad Asks
1/16/2014 - Seahawks To Seattle Fans: ‘Shut The Fuck Up’
1/16/2014 - Royals Courting Masahiro Tanaka By Highlighting Kansas City’s Rich Japanese History
1/16/2014 - Least Popular Fitness Clubs
1/15/2014 - Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr To Perform At Grammys
1/15/2014 - Police Raid Justin Bieber’s Home
1/15/2014 - Spaced-Out Flower Child Groovin’ On A Doobie Wave
1/15/2014 - Tips For Getting Pregnant
1/15/2014 - Netflix Instant Thinking About Adding Good Movie
1/15/2014 - Nation Recalls Simpler Time When Health Care System Was Broken Beyond Repair
1/15/2014 - Do You Believe In The Theory Of Evolution?
1/15/2014 - Unemployed, Miserable Man Still Remembers Teacher Who First Made Him Fall In Love With Writing
1/15/2014 - Parents Of Adorable Baby On TV Show Most Likely Insane
1/14/2014 - 9% Of Dog, Cat Owners Write Pets Into Their Wills
1/14/2014 - 187 Images, Which, If Rapidly Clicked Through, Will Create The Illusion Of Motion
1/14/2014 - Boy, I’ve Really Put You In A Tough Spot, Haven’t I?
1/14/2014 - Pope Francis Encourages Women To Breastfeed
1/14/2014 - Revelations From Robert Gates' Controversial New Book
1/14/2014 - Obama Not Ruling Out U.S. Military Action In Congress
1/14/2014 - Swift Boat Veterans For Truth Clear John Kerry After Exhaustive 9-Year Investigation
1/14/2014 - As Your Friend, I Promise You Can Tell Me Anything That Makes Me Feel Superior To You
1/14/2014 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of January 14, 2014
1/13/2014 - Coffee May Improve Memory
1/13/2014 - Ariel Sharon: A Life
1/13/2014 - Mandatory Unisex Golden Globes Uniforms Keep Focus On Stars’ Work
1/13/2014 - Flu Hitting Obese People Harder
1/13/2014 - Pilot Tells Passengers He’s About To Try Something
1/13/2014 - ‘Nice To Meet You,’ Coworkers Tell New Employee They’ve Studied Online For Hours
1/13/2014 - New Study Reveals Nothing Pfizer’s Lawyers Can’t Take Care Of
1/13/2014 - OfficeMax Employee Was Here When Gel Pens Were Big
1/13/2014 - Wait, What If We Try Giving People Home Loans They Can’t Actually Afford To Pay Off?
1/13/2014 - Snow Job
1/13/2014 - Woman Beginning To Suspect Husband Having Second Affair
1/13/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 13, 2014
1/12/2014 - Half Of Congress Reps Are Millionaires
1/12/2014 - The Week In Sports – Week Of January 12, 2013
1/12/2014 - BREAKING: Producers Assume Shannon Sharpe Doing Highlights Right Now
1/11/2014 - Defense Needs To Be More Physical, Reports Man Slumped On Couch For Past 5 Hours
1/10/2014 - Blanket Of Snow Creates Illusion That Town Not A Total Shithole
1/10/2014 - Food Companies Cut 6.4 Trillion Calories From Products
1/10/2014 - Son, You’ll Thank Me For Pushing You This Hard When You’re 37 And Miserable
1/10/2014 - ‘We’ll Be Moving Shortly,’ Says Train Conductor Waiting For Workers To Remove Dead Body From Tracks
1/10/2014 - Nation Surprised To Realize It Wants More John Travolta
1/10/2014 - Vacationing Man Excited To Try Fast Food Franchise Not Found In Hometown
1/10/2014 - Pee-Wee Hockey Player Wishes Dad Cared Enough To Fight At Games
1/10/2014 - Last Civil War Tortoise Dies
1/9/2014 - Study: 80 Percent Of Super Bowl Ads Don't Boost Sales
1/9/2014 - English Professor Suddenly Realizes Students Will Believe Literally Anything She Says
1/9/2014 - Obama Funds International Space Station Through 2024
1/9/2014 - NFL Concludes Ex-Players Taking Their Own Lives Because 'They Miss Football So Much'
1/9/2014 - Voters Shocked Christie Botched Such An Easy Political Cover-Up
1/9/2014 - My Fellow Americans, Look At Me: Do I Look Like A Corrupt, Vengeful Bully?
1/9/2014 - The Onion Looks Back At 'E.T.'
1/9/2014 - Why Are We Canceling Our Netflix Account?
1/9/2014 - Adopted Child Sick Of Gay Parents Forcing Him To Watch Them Have Sex
1/9/2014 - Worst Sports Teams
1/9/2014 - Tips For Getting Over The Flu
1/8/2014 - Australia Puts 300 Sharks On Twitter
1/8/2014 - Mannequin Must Think He’s Some Pretty Hot Shit
1/8/2014 - Study: This Descended From Wolves
1/8/2014 - Hampton Inn Concierge Has Long Working Relationship With Chili’s Hostess
1/8/2014 - ‘It’s Not Too Late To Reverse The Alarming Trend Of Climate Change,’ Scientists Who Know It’s Too Late Announce
1/8/2014 - Classmates Admit School Shooter Showed Them, Showed Them All
1/8/2014 - Shy Man Narrowly Evades Free Sample
1/8/2014 - Grantland Game Recap Completely Omits Influence Of ‘NYPD Blue’ On Modern Ensemble Dramas
1/8/2014 - Beijing Air Solidifies
1/8/2014 - High Praise Makes Kids With Low Self-Esteem Feel Worse
1/7/2014 - New Teen Trend ‘Walking Wet And Nude’ Couldn’t Have Caught On At Worse Time
1/7/2014 - Ultra-HD "4K" Televisions Replacing 3D TVs In Stores
1/7/2014 - Media Company Looking For Ways To Get Rid Of Veteran 24-Year-Old Employee
1/7/2014 - Delta Airlines Counter Agent Assures Man He Will Never See His Family Again
1/7/2014 - Delusional Man Somehow Thinks He’s Going To Get Oscar Nomination
1/7/2014 - Taxpayer Outraged
1/7/2014 - Girlfriend Overdoses On Lotion
1/7/2014 - NFL Scouts Impressed By College Quarterback’s Ability To Elude Criminal Justice System
1/7/2014 - What Should The U.S. Do About Illegal Immigration?
1/7/2014 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of January 7, 2014
1/6/2014 - Offensive Lineman Opens Up Massive Hole In His Frontal Cortex
1/6/2014 - Colorado Sees Boom In “Pot Tourism” After Legalization
1/6/2014 - Congress’ Agenda For 2014
1/6/2014 - ‘Polar Vortex’ Hits Nation With Record-Low Temperatures
1/6/2014 - Big, Sloppy Chicken Parm Hovers Alluringly Above Nation
1/6/2014 - Study Finds 90% Of Adopted Children’s Biological Parents Own Mansions
1/6/2014 - Nation Finishes Romantically Pairing Off Except For The Losers
1/6/2014 - Any Of You Cocksuckers Feel Like A New Fucking Neil Simon Play?
1/6/2014 - Tips For Keeping Warm This Winter
1/6/2014 - Sigh Noon
1/6/2014 - Chinese Air Pollution Visible From Space
1/5/2014 - Man Unknowingly Purchases Lifetime Supply Of Condoms
1/4/2014 - Home Crowd Disagrees With Ref’s Call But Respects His Decision
1/4/2014 - Pizza Hut Unveils New Cheese-Stuffed Delivery Boy
1/4/2014 - New Forced-Retirement Community Opens For Local 60-Year-Olds
1/3/2014 - Roger Goodell Fired After Another .500 Season
1/3/2014 - Local Church Full Of Brainwashed Idiots Feeds Town’s Poor Every Week
1/3/2014 - Dad’s Tough Exterior Hides Angry, Resentful Center
1/3/2014 - Do You Approve Of Congress’ Job Performance?
1/3/2014 - New Report Confirms You Are Most Interesting, Most Important Individual On Earth
1/3/2014 - Study: Majority Of Web Traffic Not Human
1/3/2014 - Adults More Likely Than Teens To Use Phone While Driving
1/2/2014 - NFL Referee Can’t Believe How Old He Looks In Video Replay
1/2/2014 - Man On First Date Cunningly Leaves Behind One Of His Fingers At Woman’s House
1/2/2014 - Area CEO Likes To Think Of Family As Small, Close-Knit Business
1/2/2014 - New Antidepressant Makes Friends’ Problems Seem Worse
1/2/2014 - What Are We Doing On Our Sick Day?
1/2/2014 - Singularly Autofocused
1/2/2014 - Taking Pictures Harms Memory
1/2/2014 - Attractive Students Given Higher Grades
1/1/2014 - Study: U.S. Anti-Smoking Efforts Have Saved 8 Million Lives