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2014 June
6/30/2014 - Birthday Wish Wasted On Trying To Bring Dad Back
6/30/2014 - Mother Ferries 4 More Shirt Options Back To Son In Gap Dressing Room
6/30/2014 - Progressive Parents Allow Child To Choose How He’s Ostracized By Peers
6/30/2014 - Brazilian Government Vows To Use All Money From World Cup For Much-Needed Soccer Infrastructure
6/30/2014 - SPONSORED: Groundbreaking Video Game Lets Players Customize Characters' Genetic Code
6/30/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 30, 2014
6/30/2014 - Child Pleads Case For Why Family Rabbit Should Be Named Aunt Susan
6/30/2014 - Dubious Goal
6/30/2014 - Oldest Human Poop Discovered In Spain
6/30/2014 - Man Invites Friends To Bar To Watch Game, Interact Fleetingly During Commercial Breaks
6/27/2014 - Report: 76% Of Sleepaway Campers’ Parents Beginning Trial Separation
6/27/2014 - Birthday Wish Wasted On Trying To Bring Dad Back
6/27/2014 - Bedtime Story From Fucking Bible Again
6/27/2014 - New Pfizer Breakthrough Miraculously Extends Lifespan Of Near-Death Patents
6/27/2014 - Report: 76% Of Sleepaway Campers’ Parents Beginning Trial Separation
6/27/2014 - Study: Women Who Give Birth Later Live Longer
6/27/2014 - Most Popular Fitness Trends
6/27/2014 - World Cup Referee Accidentally Grabs Stack Of Hundreds Instead Of Yellow Card
6/26/2014 - Supreme Court: Police Need Warrant To Search Cell Phones
6/26/2014 - Astronomers Discover Massive Asteroid That Could Wipe Out Life On Earth, Force Nordstrom Out Of Business
6/26/2014 - This Minnesota State Museum’s Final Offer To Owner Of Couch From ‘Mary Tyler Moore’ Set
6/26/2014 - This Minnesota State Museum’s Final Offer To Owner Of Couch From ‘Mary Tyler Moore’ Set
6/26/2014 - ‘The Lion King’ Turns 20
6/26/2014 - Conversations Pretty Limited When Friend Not In Midst Of Crisis
6/26/2014 - The Pros And Cons Of Natural Childbirth
6/26/2014 - Goalkeeper Announces Plans To Frantically Wave And Yell At Teammates Before Corner Kicks
6/26/2014 - Do You Believe Animals Should Have The Same Rights As Humans?
6/25/2014 - Facebook Bans Sale Of ISIS Clothing
6/25/2014 - What The Average Funeral Costs
6/25/2014 - Humanity Surprised It Still Hasn’t Figured Out Better Alternative To Letting Power-Hungry Assholes Decide Everything
6/25/2014 - FDA Recalls Food
6/25/2014 - Starbucks To Sell Handcrafted Sodas
6/25/2014 - Indifferent Jazz Just Ask NBA To Draft Them A Forward
6/25/2014 - Report: Shame Of Walking Out Without Buying Anything Drives 90% Of Purchases At Small Businesses
6/25/2014 - ‘It’s Real Easy,’ Declares IT Guy About To Speak Incoherently For Next 30 Seconds
6/25/2014 - ‘To Defeat Them, I Must Become Them,’ John Kerry Says While Putting On Black Face Mask
6/24/2014 - Standing Meetings Can Increase Productivity
6/24/2014 - Report Finds More Americans Putting Off Children Until Companies Are Ready
6/24/2014 - Report: Only Predictor Of Happy Marriage Is If Husband Ever Won Wife Big Stuffed Animal At Amusement Park
6/24/2014 - Beard Husks On Sidewalk Indicate Start Of Hipster Molting Season
6/24/2014 - When I Need Strength, I Turn To The Bible Or Whatever Else Is Around
6/24/2014 - Great White Shark Populations Surging Off East Coast
6/24/2014 - New Report Suggests It Kind Of Weird Baseball Uniforms Have Belts
6/24/2014 - Turtle Bocce Balled Around
6/24/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 24, 2014
6/24/2014 - Hardened Snacker Keeps Trying To Rediscover That First Mind-Blowing Nacho Cheese High
6/23/2014 - Pope Excommunicates Italian Mobsters
6/23/2014 - Would You Live With Your Significant Other Before Marriage?
6/23/2014 - Coalition Of Buzzed Cousins Issues Annual Greatest Nation On Earth Rankings
6/23/2014 - Magical Office Worker Able To Turn Everything He Touches Into More Work For Colleagues
6/23/2014 - U.S. Government Sets Aside 600,000 Acres Of Pristine Land For Future Generations To Pollute
6/23/2014 - Man Watching World Cup Thought He Would’ve Seen More Bicycle Kicks By Now
6/23/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 23, 2014
6/23/2014 - Study: Kids With Less Structured Schedules More Successful
6/23/2014 - Living The Dream
6/23/2014 - Least Avid Sports Fan Tasked With Fetching The Next Round
6/20/2014 - New York Outlaws Pet Tattoos, Piercings
6/20/2014 - Last-Ditch Dating Website Simply Asks Users To Check ‘Yes’ If They Have Open Sores
6/20/2014 - Pigeon Wishes Just Once It Could Complete Head Movement Smoothly
6/20/2014 - Last-Ditch Dating Website Simply Asks Users To Check ‘Yes’ If They Have Open Sores
6/20/2014 - Anthropologists Classify 43 New Species Of Weirdo Within Subway Ecosystem
6/20/2014 - Report: Probably Some Reason Soccer Players Entering Stadium With Small Children
6/20/2014 - Erik Spoelstra Under Impression Big 3 Will Take Pay Cut To Keep Playing Under Him
6/20/2014 - New Department Of Agriculture Study Finds 85% Of U.S. Farmers Woefully Kicking At Dirt
6/20/2014 - Dead Facebook Friend From High School Still Has Cartman Profile Picture
6/20/2014 - Study: More Couples Delaying Divorce Until Kids Old Enough To Remember Every Painful Detail
6/20/2014 - The Top 50 Films Where A Horse Gets Shot
6/20/2014 - FDA Proposes Social Media Guidelines For Drug Companies
6/19/2014 - Mattel Introduces Entrepreneur Barbie
6/19/2014 - Report: Average Male 4,000% Less Effective In Fights Than They Imagine
6/19/2014 - Report: Average Male 4,000% Less Effective In Fights Than They Imagine
6/19/2014 - Missed Call From Dad At 9 A.M. Strikes Terror Into Area Man’s Heart
6/19/2014 - Dad Thought He Could Make It Out Of Zoo Without Buying Kids Light-Up Shit
6/19/2014 - Nation Wondering Why Struggling Mental Health System Can’t Just Pull Itself Together
6/19/2014 - YouTube Threatens To Block Indie Musicians
6/19/2014 - Study Finds Americans Lead World In Ability To Justify Unnecessary Purchases
6/19/2014 - Most Popular Energy Drinks
6/18/2014 - Mysterious Portrait Discovered Beneath Picasso Painting
6/18/2014 - Trailblazing Colleague Makes Historic Contact With People Who Work On Other Floor
6/18/2014 - World Cup Stadium's Walls Reinforced With 10,000 Homeless Brazilians
6/18/2014 - What Is ISIS?
6/18/2014 - Thomas The Tank Engine Theme Park Announced
6/18/2014 - Study: More Men Opting To Be In Room When Wife Conceives Baby
6/18/2014 - Who's Fucking: Isaac and Doris
6/18/2014 - Who's Fucking: Zack and Evan
6/18/2014 - Who's Fucking: Josh and Debra
6/18/2014 - Man Unaware All His Friends Think Of Him When They Want To Put Things Into Perspective
6/18/2014 - Tips For The Perfect Cruise
6/17/2014 - Tim Duncan Busy At San Antonio Zoning Office Planning Spurs Championship Parade Route
6/17/2014 - Understanding The Situation In Iraq
6/17/2014 - O.J. Simpson Car Chase Hits 20th Anniversary
6/17/2014 - Miami Heat Don’t Have Heart To Tell Devoted Fans They Lost NBA Finals
6/17/2014 - Sonny Corleone Would Still Be Alive Today If He Had E-ZPass
6/17/2014 - Guys’ Weekend Getaway Begins With Daring Purchase Of New Kind Of Beer
6/17/2014 - Should We Allow Human Cloning?
6/17/2014 - Who's Fucking?
6/17/2014 - 3 Dozen Chemical, Emotional Responses Activated By Phrase ‘Pigs In A Blanket’
6/17/2014 - International Space Station To Get Espresso Machine
6/17/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 17, 2014
6/16/2014 - Spurs Nearly Live Up To Gregg Popovich’s Expectations
6/16/2014 - Jurgen Klinsmann Ends Moving Pregame Speech With ‘We’re Probably Going To Lose, Though’
6/16/2014 - Starbucks To Pay Baristas’ College Tuition
6/16/2014 - Comcast Executive’s One-Man Show Now Mandatory Viewing For All Subscribers
6/16/2014 - Employee Executes Daring 3:30 P.M. Escape From Office
6/16/2014 - Shocking ‘Game Of Thrones’ Finale Concludes With Arrest Of 5 Million Viewers For Piracy
6/16/2014 - Breaking Down The U.S. World Cup Roster
6/16/2014 - Ambitious Social Media Startup Has Long-Term 3-Month Plan For Company
6/16/2014 - Prisoners’ Rights Group Protests Treatment Of Supervillains In Nation’s Magnetic Detainment Cubes
6/16/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 16, 2014
6/16/2014 - Nation Confident Team USA Can Participate In World Cup
6/16/2014 - Man Has No Idea What To Do With Good Mood
6/16/2014 - Coast Guard Going To Let Stranded Yacht Owner Sweat It Out Little More
6/16/2014 - High And Dry
6/16/2014 - Study: ‘Cool Kids’ Struggle As Adults
6/13/2014 - Facebook Lifts Ban On Breastfeeding Photos
6/13/2014 - Onion Sports' Introduction To World Cup Soccer
6/13/2014 - The Beatles Or Blues Traveler: The Debate Continues
6/13/2014 - God’s Will Only Thing Keeping AC Unit In Window
6/13/2014 - Bribery Suspected After 2022 World Cup Moved To Richard Branson’s Backyard
6/13/2014 - Woman Who Changed Self To Please Boyfriend Enjoying Happy Long-Term Relationship
6/13/2014 - More Corporations Using Tag And Release Programs To Study American Consumers
6/13/2014 - Aunt Enters Ninth Year Of Raving About ‘Wicked’
6/12/2014 - U.S. Coach: America Will Not Win World Cup
6/12/2014 - Resigning House Leader Cantor Reflects On All The Accomplishments He Thwarted
6/12/2014 - World Cup Players To Watch
6/12/2014 - Nation’s Blakes Cruise Easily Through Lifeguard Tryouts
6/12/2014 - Gun Violence In America: Facts And Figures
6/12/2014 - Warm Weather Finally Allows Man To Get Outside, Explore New Ways To Sweat
6/12/2014 - Nation’s Blakes Cruise Easily Through Lifeguard Tryouts
6/12/2014 - Winner Of World Cup Hammered Out Just In Time For Tournament
6/12/2014 - Man Nothing But Lumbering Golem Of Rewards Cards
6/12/2014 - Top Pool Flotation Devices
6/12/2014 - Starbucks Adding Grilled Cheese To Menu
6/12/2014 - Townsperson In Online RPG Universe Figures Shield, Gold Pieces Should Be Safe In Barrel
6/11/2014 - 5-Star Resort For Dogs Opens In Spain
6/11/2014 - Dad Not Going To Pay Someone To Fix Marriage When He Can Do It Himself
6/11/2014 - Impoverished Child In Third World Dreams About One Day Leaving Light On For No Reason
6/11/2014 - World Cup Teams To Watch
6/11/2014 - Nation’s Cable Companies Announce They’re Just Going To Take $100 From Everyone
6/11/2014 - L.A. Mayor Pledges To Eat Sackful Of New York Garbage If Kings Lose Stanley Cup
6/11/2014 - New PS4 Feature Allows User To Close Eyes And Imagine Really Fun Game
6/11/2014 - Universal Studios, Warner Bros. Enter Talks To Reduce Stockpiles Of Unproduced Reboots
6/11/2014 - Child Entertained For 5 Minutes By Plastic Toy That Will Take 1,000 Years To Biodegrade
6/11/2014 - Study: Average American Tries Getting Out Of 10,000 Things Each Year
6/11/2014 - Highlights From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir
6/11/2014 - Computer Passes Turing Test, Successfully Impersonates Human
6/10/2014 - More Crimes Linked To ‘Slender Man’ Internet Meme
6/10/2014 - World’s Greatest Soccer Stars Arrive In Brazil For Monthlong Coca-Cola Ad
6/10/2014 - Man Realizes He Beginning To Stand For Something
6/10/2014 - More Office Workers Switching To Fetal Position Desks
6/10/2014 - Can You Recommend A Good WWII Documentary For The More Ample Gentleman?
6/10/2014 - Desperate Barnes & Noble To Give Unlimited Free Tablets To Anyone Who Walks In Store
6/10/2014 - FDA Orders Warning Labels On Tanning Beds
6/10/2014 - Passion With Which Child Demanding Balloon Actually Kind Of Inspiring
6/10/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 10, 2014
6/9/2014 - Parents At Graduation Celebrate Child’s Last Accomplishment
6/9/2014 - Report: John Calipari Offered Cavaliers $20 Million To Leave Him Alone
6/9/2014 - New Study Finds People Who Sit For At Least 5 Hours Each Day Are Comfier
6/9/2014 - Increasingly Anxious Man Worried Order Confirmation Email Never Going To Come
6/9/2014 - Justin Bieber Baptized In NYC Bathtub
6/9/2014 - States Now Offering Millions In Tax Breaks To Any Person Who Says ‘High-Tech Jobs’
6/9/2014 - Report: More Couples Getting Social Media Prenups
6/9/2014 - Should The Drinking Age Be Lowered To 18?
6/9/2014 - Va Va Vroom
6/9/2014 - New Charter School Lottery System Gives Each Applicant White Pill, Enrolls Whoever Left Standing
6/9/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 9, 2014
6/9/2014 - Shitty Museum Doesn’t Even Have A Mona Lisa
6/9/2014 - Karate Studio Hoping To Get Local Phone Number That Spells Out Word ‘Kick’ Or ‘Chop’
6/6/2014 - Taco Bell Adds ‘Quesarito’ To Official Menu
6/6/2014 - New Law Enforcement Robot Can Wield Excessive Force Of 5 Human Officers
6/6/2014 - Parents At Graduation Celebrate Child’s Last Accomplishment
6/6/2014 - Mom’s Quirky Friend Turns Out To Be Joakim Noah
6/6/2014 - Can This Woman Carry Around This Briefcase And This Baby For An Entire Day?
6/6/2014 - Why Are We Skipping Our High School Reunion?
6/5/2014 - Disney Sells Princess Leia Merchandise After Twitter Protest
6/5/2014 - Live-Action ‘Beauty And The Beast’ In The Works
6/5/2014 - Who Is Bowe Bergdahl?
6/5/2014 - Report: Half Of All Americans Probably Should Have Thought Of That Before They Opened Their Mouth
6/5/2014 - The Onion Looks Back At 'Saving Private Ryan'
6/5/2014 - Man Honestly Thinks He’s Going To Get To Bed Early
6/5/2014 - World’s Supercomputers Release Study Confirming They Are Not Powerful Enough
6/5/2014 - National Park Service Provides Deer Meat To Homeless
6/5/2014 - Fleshlighthouse Guides Weary Sailors Home To Realistic Vaginal Texture
6/5/2014 - Dad Clarifies This Not A Food Stop
6/5/2014 - Bill Simmons Ventures Into Interdimensional Vortex To Find Out If LeBron James Could Dominate In Different NBA Eras
6/4/2014 - Study: 1 In 6 Public School Teachers Were ‘Chronically Absent’ Last Year
6/4/2014 - Rangers Counting On Henrik Lundqvist To Step Up On Offense
6/4/2014 - NYPD Offering No-Questions-Asked DVD Drop-Off
6/4/2014 - Man Updates Little Monologue Recited When Extended Relatives Ask How He’s Doing
6/4/2014 - Investigation Of What Fell Off Nightstand Postponed Until Morning
6/4/2014 - Bounty Launches Beginner Series For People New To Paper Towels
6/4/2014 - Summer Vacation Vs. Year-Round Schooling
6/4/2014 - God Wonders What Happens To Humans After They Die
6/4/2014 - Chinese Citizens Observe 25-Year Moment Of Silence For Tiananmen Square Massacre
6/4/2014 - Study Links Drinking While Pregnant To Being At Kid Rock Concert
6/4/2014 - ESPN Now Allowing Second-Year Anchors To Live Off Campus
6/4/2014 - Hurricanes With Female Names Kill More People
6/4/2014 - Bounty Launches Beginner Series For People New To Paper Towels
6/4/2014 - Support Group
6/3/2014 - How Companies Are Going Green
6/3/2014 - Wife Throws Raw Meat At Casey Kasem’s Daughter
6/3/2014 - Deep Down, Area Man Knows He’s Not Done Vomiting
6/3/2014 - New Facebook Feature Scans Profile To Pinpoint Exactly When Things Went Wrong
6/3/2014 - Ready 4 Love
6/3/2014 - Residents Plagued By Roving Pack Of Feral Celebrities Living In Hollywood Hills
6/3/2014 - Study: Cat People Smarter Than Dog People
6/3/2014 - Man Planning To Rub Up Against Strangers Wondering Where Train Is Already
6/3/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 3, 2014
6/2/2014 - White House Swaps With Taliban To Free U.S. Soldier
6/2/2014 - The Case For And Against NSA Surveillance Online
6/2/2014 - Rest Of World Not Biting On Couple’s Open Relationship
6/2/2014 - Single Most Replaceable Person In Company Will Walk If He Doesn’t Get Raise
6/2/2014 - New EPA Regulations Would Force Power Plants To Find 30% More Loopholes By 2030
6/2/2014 - Man Holding Giant Turkey Leg Never Been More Captivating In Entire Life
6/2/2014 - Cavaliers GM Believes Joel Embiid Perfect Prospect To Build Medical Team Around
6/2/2014 - Obama Already Knows Who He’s Going To Tear Apart In Memoir
6/2/2014 - Would You Use A Self-Driving Car?
6/2/2014 - 49-Year-Old Nearly Back To Pre-Middle-School Confidence Levels
6/2/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 2, 2014
6/2/2014 - Guaranteed 'Green' Card
6/2/2014 - Study: Dads Who Do Dishes Have More Ambitious Daughters