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2014 March
3/31/2014 - Fully Gentrified Neighborhood All Cheese Shops
3/31/2014 - Twitter Replaces ‘Retweet’ With ‘Share’
3/31/2014 - Maximize Your Brainpower By Firing Every Neuron At Once
3/31/2014 - Local Father Briefs Family On Which Basketball Players Now Household Names
3/31/2014 - Recovering Alcoholic Doesn’t Need Friends To Have A Good Time
3/31/2014 - Michelle Obama Introduces Exercise Program To Combat Obesity In Professional Baseball Players
3/31/2014 - Family Wealthy Enough To Have The Kind Of Refrigerator Doors That Blend Into Cabinets
3/31/2014 - Flight Attendant Quietly Informs First Class Passengers Where Real Emergency Exits Are
3/31/2014 - Tips For Improving Memory
3/31/2014 - Should We Tax Soda And Junk Food?
3/31/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 31, 2014
3/31/2014 - Erasing Fault Lines
3/31/2014 - Eating Small Meals Throughout Day Doesn’t Help Weight Loss
3/31/2014 - Social Media Startup Looking For Smug Little Fuck To Take Leadership Role
3/28/2014 - Horsey!
3/28/2014 - Batman Turns 75
3/28/2014 - Devastated Family Struggling To Cope After Losing Everything On DVR
3/28/2014 - Apple To Diversify Emojis
3/28/2014 - Fully Gentrified Neighborhood All Cheese Shops
3/28/2014 - Mark From Sales Currently Leading Bracket Pool
3/28/2014 - Devastated Family Struggling To Cope After Losing Everything On DVR
3/28/2014 - 4 Senators Mauled During Congressional Tiger Show
3/28/2014 - Study: Women Fake Orgasms To Increase Sexual Arousal
3/28/2014 - Of Course Busy Bartender Doesn’t Mind Taking Picture Of You And Your Friends
3/27/2014 - Charles Barkley Openly Gambling On College Games During CBS Halftime Report
3/27/2014 - ‘Gone With The Wind’ Prequel In The Works
3/27/2014 - Hollywood Maintenance Crews Sent Out To Patch Up Film Industry’s Plotholes
3/27/2014 - American Obesity Epidemic Traced To Single Heavyset ‘Mayflower’ Passenger
3/27/2014 - Little Pussy Has To Take Phone Call In Other Room
3/27/2014 - Onion Sports’ Sweet 16 Picks
3/27/2014 - The Onion Reviews 'Noah'
3/27/2014 - These Are The Honda Days That Were Foretold In The Prophecy
3/27/2014 - Top Safety Schools
3/27/2014 - Levi’s Factory Implicated In Cruel Treatment Of Denim Cows
3/27/2014 - Unclear If Grandma Just Friends With 81-Year-Old Widowed Man
3/27/2014 - New ‘Star Trek’ Beer Released
3/27/2014 - Advertising Manager Working Hard To Teach Son Value Of An Impression
3/26/2014 - Mark Cuban Warns NFL’s Popularity May Begin To Wane In Next Millennium
3/26/2014 - Facebook Spends $2 Billion On Virtual Reality Company
3/26/2014 - Notable Celebrity Breakups
3/26/2014 - G7 Unable To Get Deposit Back On Shipment Of ‘G8 Summer Getaway’ T-Shirts
3/26/2014 - NHL Players Admit They Have No Idea How Line Changes Work
3/26/2014 - All Of Man’s Time-Wasting Websites Exhausted Before Lunch
3/26/2014 - How The College Admissions Process Works
3/26/2014 - White House Sends Obama To 3-Day Management Seminar At Washington Marriott
3/26/2014 - Study: Video Games Make Kids More Aggressive
3/26/2014 - Adobe Summit
3/25/2014 - Girl Sells Record 18,000 Boxes Of Girl Scout Cookies
3/25/2014 - Report: 95% Of Grandfathers Got Job By Walking Right Up And Just Asking
3/25/2014 - Report: 95% Of Grandfathers Got Job By Walking Right Up And Just Asking
3/25/2014 - Tips For Using Online Dating Sites
3/25/2014 - Nation Rallies Behind Embattled Celebrity Gown
3/25/2014 - Mom Keeps Sending Newspaper Clippings About Former Classmates Who Have Been Murdered
3/25/2014 - College Senior Already Has Grueling 14-Month Employment Search Lined Up After Graduation
3/25/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 25, 2014
3/25/2014 - How A Predator Drone Works
3/25/2014 - New Technology Creates Mug Shots From DNA
3/25/2014 - Lap Of Luxury
3/25/2014 - Middle-Aged Cat Can’t Begin To Compete With Adorable Kittens On Internet
3/24/2014 - Lowly Mortal Opens Portal To Hell
3/24/2014 - Eagles Add Veteran Fuckup
3/24/2014 - City Planner Gets Halfway Through Designing City Before Realizing He’s Just Doing Philadelphia Again
3/24/2014 - Hawaii Police Defend Prostitution Loophole
3/24/2014 - This App Turns Your Photos Into Music If You Want To Do That For Some Reason
3/24/2014 - 87% Of Man’s Memories Shame-Based
3/24/2014 - Chorus To ‘Juke Box Hero’ Playing On Repeat In Monk’s Bowed Head
3/24/2014 - College Admissions Office Finds Ideal Applicant Capable Of Subsidizing Tuition Of 3 Low-Income Students
3/24/2014 - Single Mother Hogging 2 Jobs
3/24/2014 - Do You Vaccinate Your Children?
3/24/2014 - Study: Humans Display Highest Cognitive Abilities When Trying To Retrieve Object Dropped Between Car Seats
3/24/2014 - Browns Eyeing 6 Quarterbacks To Rifle Through In 2014
3/24/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 24, 2014
3/24/2014 - Soviet Reunion
3/24/2014 - Report: Attempting To Prove Masculinity Results In Over 8 Million Pulled Muscles Per Year
3/23/2014 - Male Babysitters Earn More Than Female Babysitters
3/23/2014 - $85,000 In Fertility Treatments Result In Miracle
3/21/2014 - Cheddar Cheese Prices Skyrocket Due To Chinese Demand
3/21/2014 - Bank Of America Introduces New Existential Rewards Credit Card Program
3/21/2014 - Hartford, CT's Hottest Regular SuperShuttle Riders
3/21/2014 - Lowly Mortal Opens Portal To Hell
3/21/2014 - Surge Answered With Rally
3/21/2014 - GChat Status Disastrously Left On Visible During Peak Andrea Hours
3/21/2014 - What The Internet Will Look Like In 25 Years
3/21/2014 - Sleep Loss Can Cause Brain Damage
3/20/2014 - Half Of Americans Believe In Medical Conspiracy Theories
3/20/2014 - Thanks For Being So Cool About Everything
3/20/2014 - Teens Migrating From Facebook To Comments Section Of Slow-Motion Deer Video
3/20/2014 - Fred Phelps, Man Who Forever Stopped March Of Gay Rights, Dead At 84
3/20/2014 - Mischievous Koch Brothers Trick Beautiful Woman Into Thinking There’s Only One Of Them
3/20/2014 - Area Man’s Emotional State Completely Dependent On Outcome Of Professional Sporting Event
3/20/2014 - The Onion Reviews 'Divergent'
3/20/2014 - Couple Excited To Start Planning Wedding Expenses
3/20/2014 - NCAA Receives Shipment Of Towels For Placing Over Losers' Faces
3/20/2014 - Networking Tips
3/20/2014 - Facebook Unveils Facial Recognition Technology
3/19/2014 - New ‘Star Wars’ Film Set 30 Years After ‘Return Of The Jedi’
3/19/2014 - Hypochondriac Convinced Patient Has Cancer
3/19/2014 - Families Of Missing Flight Passengers Just Hoping Media Gets Closure It Needs
3/19/2014 - Report: Strongest Human Relationships Emerge From Bashing Friend Who Couldn't Make It Out
3/19/2014 - Parents Reminisce To Children About Dating Algorithm That Brought Them Together
3/19/2014 - Tips For Filling Out Your Bracket
3/19/2014 - Intrepid Middle-Class Parents Embark On Daring Search For Mythical Perfect School District
3/19/2014 - Warren Buffett Offers $1 Billion For Dick Vitale To Shut Up
3/19/2014 - Chinese Factory Workers Fear They May Never Be Replaced With Machines
3/19/2014 - NFL Announces Jacksonville Jaguars To Play 16 Games In London Next Season
3/18/2014 - NASA: Industrial Societies Headed For Collapse
3/18/2014 - Anti-Vaccine Movement Leads To Rise In Measles, Whooping Cough
3/18/2014 - Study: Slapping Everyone In Grocery Store, Exposing Yourself In Produce Section Still Frowned Upon By Society
3/18/2014 - Study: Slapping Everyone In Grocery Store, Exposing Yourself In Produce Section Still Frowned Upon By Society
3/18/2014 - Area Man Having Difficulty Getting People To Sign Up For His NIT Bracket Pool
3/18/2014 - You Can Only Masturbate To Italian Chef Sculptures Outside Of Pizza Places For So Long Before Wanting The Real Thing
3/18/2014 - History Of The Westboro Baptist Church
3/18/2014 - Man Just Having One Of Those Decades Where He Doesn't Feel Like Doing Anything
3/18/2014 - Sexually Frustrated Woman Just One Of The Guys
3/18/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 18, 2014
3/18/2014 - Masochistic Toilet Craving Hot Piss
3/18/2014 - Oh My Word
3/18/2014 - Dignified Cat Dressed In Adorable, Painful Sweater
3/17/2014 - Sexual Predator Gets Tenure
3/17/2014 - Guinness Pulls Sponsorship Of St. Patrick’s Day Parade
3/17/2014 - Crimean Voters Excited To Exercise Democracy For Last Time
3/17/2014 - Mom Leaves Sweet Little Note For Sixth-Grader In ADD Prescription Bottle
3/17/2014 - John Kerry Poses As Masseuse To Get Few Minutes With Putin
3/17/2014 - Nation Demands More Mind-Blowing Guitar Solos
3/17/2014 - What’s Our St. Patrick’s Day Tradition?
3/17/2014 - Report: On Surface, Glenbrook, OH A Small Town Like Any Other
3/17/2014 - Teams To Watch In This Year’s NCAA Tournament
3/17/2014 - Americans Spent $55.7 Billion On Pets Last Year
3/17/2014 - Happy Birthday, Patrick Duffy
3/17/2014 - Nation Gears Up For Start Of College Basketball Season
3/17/2014 - Do You Believe In Spanking Children?
3/17/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 17, 2014
3/17/2014 - Red Double-Cross
3/17/2014 - Proactive Man Removes Own Teeth In Attempt To Curb Nail-Biting Habit
3/15/2014 - Boston Mayor Throws Out First Punch At St. Patrick’s Day Parade
3/14/2014 - Mark Zuckerberg Calls Obama To Complain About Spying
3/14/2014 - Frugal Couple Saves Money By Making Own Porn
3/14/2014 - Dog Doesn’t Consider Itself Part Of Family
3/14/2014 - Where Is God Hiding?
3/14/2014 - Researchers Find Human Beings Naturally Evolved Toward Monogamy And Carrying On Fun Little Flings On Side
3/14/2014 - Spring Break By The Numbers
3/14/2014 - Number Of Adults On ADHD Meds Reaches New High
3/14/2014 - Report: There Probably College Conference Named ‘Coastal 10’
3/14/2014 - Manly Man Wastes Entire Year’s Worth Of Feelings On Single Movie Viewing
3/13/2014 - Keith Richards Writing Children’s Book
3/13/2014 - Malaysia Airlines Expands Investigation To Include General Scope Of Space, Time
3/13/2014 - Portion Of Finite Life Spent In Mock Fantasy Baseball Draft
3/13/2014 - Report: Leading Cause Of Death In U.S. Is God Needing Another Angel
3/13/2014 - Highlights From Pope Francis’ First Year
3/13/2014 - Does Barry Bonds Belong In The Hall Of Fame?
3/13/2014 - Scientists Confirm Statues Humans’ Closest Nonliving Relative
3/13/2014 - Scientists Confirm Statues Humans’ Closest Nonliving Relative
3/13/2014 - Hottest New Tech Startups
3/13/2014 - Dad From 2150 Can’t Get Enough Iraq War Documentaries
3/13/2014 - Elephants Can Distinguish Human Voices By Age, Ethnicity
3/13/2014 - Inexperienced Streaker To Practice In Living Room A Few Times Before Doing It For Real
3/12/2014 - Deloitte Hires Accountant After Noticing Popular Tweets Of Audit Calculations
3/12/2014 - Nostalgic Man Can Still Remember Time When Billboard Advertised ‘Red 2’
3/12/2014 - ‘Access Hollywood’ Reporter Vows To Get To Very Surface Of Story
3/12/2014 - Study: Premarital Cohabitation Doesn’t Raise Risk Of Divorce
3/12/2014 - Highlights From SXSW Interactive
3/12/2014 - Report: Only 20 Minutes Until Introverted Man Gets To Leave Party
3/12/2014 - Wedding Strains Relationship To Breaking Point
3/12/2014 - Obama Spends Afternoon In Garage Restoring Classic Drone
3/12/2014 - Several NFL Teams Express Interest In Your Sister
3/12/2014 - Colorado Earns $2 Million In Tax Revenue From Legal Pot
3/11/2014 - Edward Snowden Speaks At SXSW
3/11/2014 - Area Mother Doesn’t See Why Thai People Need To Make Food So Spicy
3/11/2014 - Southwest Airlines Rolls Out New ‘Loyalty Goes Both Ways’ Campaign
3/11/2014 - Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot
3/11/2014 - ‘The Onion’ Offers Richie Incognito A 5-Year, $50 Million Contract
3/11/2014 - Report: No One Will Ever Stack Up To Your Eighth-Grade Boyfriend
3/11/2014 - Grandfather Clock Does Loop-The-Loop With Pendulum When No One Looking
3/11/2014 - It’s Sad Seeing How Much My Hometown Has Changed Since That Level 7 Nuclear Accident
3/11/2014 - McDonald’s Now Offering Bereavement Prices
3/11/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 11, 2014
3/11/2014 - Study: Smartphones Make Parents Ignore Kids
3/10/2014 - Dog Held Against Will Inside Skype Window
3/10/2014 - Microsoft Ending Support For Windows XP
3/10/2014 - BREAKING: Sprinting College Student Might Actually Have Chance At Getting Frisbee
3/10/2014 - Man Who Treats Women With Respect Asked What His Secret Is
3/10/2014 - The Onion’s Tips For Saving Money
3/10/2014 - Report: Ocean Levels Could Rise Foot Or More If Lots Of People Go Swimming
3/10/2014 - Company President Started Out As Fertilized Embryo
3/10/2014 - Expectant Parents Throw Some Values Together At Last Minute
3/10/2014 - It Not Clear If It Okay To Pass Handicapped Woman On Sidewalk
3/10/2014 - Do You Think Doctors Are Overprescribing Medications?
3/10/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 10, 2014
3/10/2014 - From Here To Gratuity
3/10/2014 - Young E-Cigarette Users Less Likely To Quit Smoking
3/7/2014 - The Week In Sports – Week Of March 8, 2014
3/7/2014 - The Nation's Wealthiest Tom Hankses
3/7/2014 - Brief Moment Of Lucidity Called Panic Attack
3/7/2014 - Massachusetts Bans Upskirt Photos After Outcry
3/7/2014 - Papa John’s Now Offering 3-Day Home Delivery
3/7/2014 - Dog Held Against Will Inside Skype Window
3/7/2014 - ‘True Detective’ Fan Develops Elaborate Theory He Will Be Let Down By Season Finale
3/7/2014 - NBA Unveils Throwback Shot Clock
3/7/2014 - Brooklyn Nets Insist They Only See Jason Collins As Terrible Player
3/7/2014 - College’s New CareerLink Program Connects Students With Thousands Of Annoyed Alums
3/7/2014 - National Endowment For The Arts Provides $80 Million To Discourage Talentless Hacks
3/7/2014 - Facebook Adds Restrictions To Curb Illegal Gun Sales
3/7/2014 - Do You Think Oscar Pistorius Is Guilty?
3/6/2014 - Changes To The SAT
3/6/2014 - NHL Outdoor Games Inspiring More Kids To Go Outside And Play Hockey At Local NFL Stadiums
3/6/2014 - Paranoid Oscar Pistorius Still Thinks Burglar After Him
3/6/2014 - New ‘Normal Barbie’ Doll Has Proportions Of Average Woman
3/6/2014 - Iditarod Musher Limiting Self To Eating Just One Husky Per Day
3/6/2014 - BREAKING: Imperial Inspector To Arrive By Railcar This Very Afternoon
3/6/2014 - Desperate Catholic Church Now Offering Sainthood To Anyone Who Regularly Attends Weekly Mass
3/6/2014 - First-Time Carjacker Wasn’t Expecting A Stick Shift
3/6/2014 - Parents Urge Son To Invest In Improv Comedy Education
3/6/2014 - Report: Burying, Cremating Baby Boomers To Generate $200 Trillion In GDP
3/6/2014 - Discontinued Fast Food Items
3/6/2014 - Social Media Facts And Figures
3/5/2014 - Microsoft Introducing Siri Competitor ‘Cortana’
3/5/2014 - Cam Girl Has Ash On Forehead
3/5/2014 - The Hand Of Fate
3/5/2014 - Report: Mom’s Got Her Thing Tonight
3/5/2014 - Study Links Meat, Cheese To Early Death
3/5/2014 - Study Links Meat, Sugar Consumption To Early Death Among Those Who Choose To Be Happy In Life
3/5/2014 - 12-Year-Old Couldn’t Begin To Guess Name Of Friend Whose House He Visits To Play Xbox
3/5/2014 - I’m A Man Who Knows What He Wants And Goes After Something More Realistic
3/5/2014 - 12-Year-Old Couldn’t Begin To Guess Name Of Friend Whose House He Visits To Play Xbox
3/5/2014 - Peyton Manning Cleared To Play Next Season After Passing Verbal Neck Exam
3/5/2014 - American Airlines Drops Bereavement Fares
3/4/2014 - Pope Francis Drops F-Bomb During Vatican Blessing
3/4/2014 - John Kerry Sits In Shadows Of Kiev Café Awaiting Woman Known Only As Dasha
3/4/2014 - Understanding The Crisis In Ukraine
3/4/2014 - New Marijuana Study Says Everyone Knows You're High And You'll Likely Be Stoned Forever
3/4/2014 - 15 Years In Environment Of Constant Fear Somehow Fails To Rehabilitate Prisoner
3/4/2014 - Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 4, 2014
3/4/2014 - Dishwasher Broke
3/3/2014 - Empire State Building Reopens Spire To Visitors
3/3/2014 - New Theme Park To Feature Model Of Noah’s Ark
3/3/2014 - Ukrainian-Russian Tensions Dividing U.S. Citizens Along Ignorant, Apathetic Lines
3/3/2014 - Highlights Of Last Night’s Oscars
3/3/2014 - Military Recruiter Doesn’t Have To Dig Too Far Into Bag Of Tricks To Land This One
3/3/2014 - USA's Suits Sweepstakes!
3/3/2014 - ‘12 Years A Slave’ Wins Best Picture At Oscars
3/3/2014 - Francis Ford Coppola Reveals Every ‘Godfather’ Film Took Place In Same Narrative World
3/3/2014 - Report: Good Thing World Has Unlimited Quantity Of Oil
3/3/2014 - Mother Encourages Andy Dalton To Keep Career Options Open
3/3/2014 - A Real Drag
3/3/2014 - Do You Think Schools Should Teach Abstinence-Only Sex Education?
3/3/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 3, 2014
3/3/2014 - Obese Americans Get Less Than 4 Hours Of Exercise Per Year
3/2/2014 - Academy To Give Runners-Up Detailed Progress Reports Outlining Where Stars Can Improve
3/2/2014 - Oscars Attendees Cower In Awe As Disembodied, All-Knowing Voice Proclaims Information About Nominees
3/2/2014 - Jared Leto Thanks Acting For Being An Easy Thing That Anybody Can Do
3/2/2014 - Ryan Seacrest Catches Up With ‘Captain Phillips’ Star Maersk Alabama On Red Carpet
3/2/2014 - Jennifer Lawrence Stuns In Oscar De La Hoya Gown
3/2/2014 - Months Of Painstaking Practice Critiquing Celebrity Fashion Comes Down To This For Area Woman
3/2/2014 - Least Watched Awards Shows