Sitemap: 2014 November | The Onion

11/28/2014 - Black Friday 2014: Best Deals & Bargains

11/28/2014 - A New Brad, Part 2 - Ep. 11

11/27/2014 - NYC Restaurant Offering $35,000 Thanksgiving Dinner

11/26/2014 - Weird Wooden Chair Pressed Into Service For Thanksgiving

11/26/2014 - Families Of Bears Players Ask To Have Faces Blurred Out During Thanksgiving Promos

11/26/2014 - Top Thanksgiving Side Dishes

11/26/2014 - Younger Cousin’s Growth Spurt Throws Off Competitive Balance At Family’s Thanksgiving Touch Football Game

11/26/2014 - Thanksgiving Affords Nation Rare Opportunity To Eat Large Amounts Of Food While Watching Football

11/26/2014 - Man At Airport Pissed That Other People Had Same Idea To Go Home For Thanksgiving

11/26/2014 - Everyone In Family Compliments Grandmother On How Small And Feeble She’s Gotten

11/25/2014 - NFL To Crack Down On Players For Excessive Thanksgiving Celebrations

11/25/2014 - Budweiser Retiring Clydesdale Ads In Grab For Millennials

11/25/2014 - Ferguson Prosecutor: Cable News ‘Most Significant Challenge Encountered’ In Investigation

11/25/2014 - Ferguson Decision Reaffirms Right Of Police To Use Deadly Force When They Feel Sufficiently Inclined

11/25/2014 - Nation Doesn’t Know If It Can Take Another Bullshit Speech About Healing

11/25/2014 - Last-Minute Holiday Travel Tips

11/25/2014 - Report: U.S. Students Lead World In Knowledge Of Common Household Items That Will Give You Buzz

11/25/2014 - Town Considers Replacing Ugly Christmas Tree After Public Outcry

11/25/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 25, 2014

11/25/2014 - Jason Garrett Insists He Can Trace Coaching Tree Back To Mayflower

11/25/2014 - Alcoholic Father Granted Posthumous Sainthood By Catholic Family

11/25/2014 - Roger Goodell Ceremonially Pardons Turkey Accused Of Domestic Violence

11/25/2014 - Report: Majority Of Americans Know Which YouTube Clip They’ll Post Following Dustin Hoffman’s Death

11/25/2014 - Woman Launches Into 4-Minute Self-Deprecating Preamble Before Speaking Mind

11/24/2014 - Nestlé Developing ‘Exercise In A Bottle’

11/24/2014 - Do You Plan To Start Shopping On Thanksgiving Day?

11/24/2014 - Iranian Team Openly Working On Bomb In Negotiating Room

11/24/2014 - Heavy Police Presence In Ferguson To Ensure Residents Adequately Provoked

11/24/2014 - NFL Week 12 Winners And Losers

11/24/2014 - Aspiring Politician Hopes Government Leaves Some Women’s Rights For Him To Gut One Day

11/24/2014 - Lettuce Sentenced To Slow, Painful Death In Vegetable Crisper Drawer

11/24/2014 - Ferguson Pool Supply Store Overestimating How Badly Looters Want Chlorine Tablets

11/24/2014 - New Contraception Law Would Require Teenagers To Consult With 3 Different Peers Before Selecting Birth Control Method

11/24/2014 - Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

11/24/2014 - Driving Instructor Has Own Gas Pedal In Case Student Total Pussy

11/24/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of November 24, 2014

11/24/2014 - Study: Women In Power More Prone To Depression

11/24/2014 - Plymouth Crock

11/24/2014 - Time Traveler From 2008 Freaked Out By Guy Wearing Google Glass While Smoking E-Cigarette

11/22/2014 - It Becoming More And More Clear That Browns Fan Came To Sports Bar Alone

11/21/2014 - Major Networks Opt Out Of Airing Obama Immigration Speech

11/21/2014 - Rookie Teammate Worried Ndamukong Suh Taking Him Under Wing

11/21/2014 - Fantasy Football Week 12: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em

11/21/2014 - Report: More Elderly People Now Dying Surrounded By Coworkers

11/21/2014 - How Obama's Immigration Plan Would Work

11/21/2014 - Immigration In America: The Path To Second-Class Citizenship

11/21/2014 - Corporate America Shaken By Death Of Longtime Consumer

11/21/2014 - Bill Cosby Offers To Sit Down With Us And Explain The Allegations Against Him Over A Glass Of Wine

11/21/2014 - ‘Normal Barbie’ Updated To Include Scars, Acne, Cellulite

11/21/2014 - Moron Stepfather Takes Care Of Child Who Doesn’t Have His Genetic Material

11/21/2014 - Gay Man Unaware He Focus Of Thousands Of Prayers

11/21/2014 - Oven Preheated For 16 Seconds

11/21/2014 - A New Brad, Part 1 - Ep. 11

11/20/2014 - 5 Million Illegal Immigrants To Realize Dreams Of Having Deportation Deferred

11/20/2014 - NBC, Netflix Cancel Bill Cosby’s Return To TV Amid Rape Allegations

11/20/2014 - Doctors Reveal Derrick Rose Injuries Leading To Incredible New Advancements In Orthopedic Surgery

11/20/2014 - Temple University Receives Anonymous Donation To Build Center For Discrediting Rape Allegations

11/20/2014 - Desperate GOP Spotted In South Dakota Trying To Build Keystone Pipeline Themselves

11/20/2014 - 9 Most Popular Dog Breeds

11/20/2014 - Owner's Box: Your Friend’s Death Could Leave 6-8 Quality Starters For Pick Up

11/20/2014 - Makeshift Opinion Thrown Together From Viewpoint Currently Dominating Conversation

11/20/2014 - Least Notorious Serial Killers

11/20/2014 - Biden Tossed Out Of Car Passing By White House

11/20/2014 - Study: Kids Throwing Away Healthier School Lunches

11/20/2014 - A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

11/20/2014 - Area Theater Has Strict Rule Against Bringing In Outside Movies

11/19/2014 - Senate Rejects Pipeline Plan That Would Have Created Thousands Of Climate Activist Jobs

11/19/2014 - Man Just Wants One Trip To Laundromat Where He Doesn’t Meet Perfect Woman

11/19/2014 - Charles Manson To Marry 26-Year-Old Visitor-Girlfriend, ‘Star’

11/19/2014 - Study: Beginning Email With Short, Disingenuous Inquiry Into Personal Life Best Way To Network

11/19/2014 - Man Going To Trust Society’s Determination That He Deserves His Privilege

11/19/2014 - Seasonal Depression To Take Over For Chronic Depression For A Few Months

11/19/2014 - U-Haul Offers Discount For Customers Who Will Just Move Back Home In 18 Months After Failure To Make It In Major City

11/19/2014 - Woman Transitions From Being Terrified Of Getting Pregnant To Being Terrified She Can’t Get Pregnant

11/19/2014 - Mellowing Jihadist Not As Enraged By Western Culture As He Used To Be

11/18/2014 - Smartphone App Prevents Drunk Users From Posting On Social Media

11/18/2014 - Man Scolded By Brother-In-Law For Not Taking Better Advantage Of Open Bar

11/18/2014 - Oxford Names ‘Vape’ Word Of The Year

11/18/2014 - Online Shopping vs. In-Store Shopping

11/18/2014 - Scientists Receive $10 Million Grant To Melt Stuff

11/18/2014 - McDonald’s Won’t Use GMO ‘Innate’ Potatoes

11/18/2014 - Man, If I Only Knew Back In High School What I Still Have No Clue About

11/18/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 18, 2014

11/18/2014 - EPA Unveils Plan To Add 500 Million Squirts Of Lemon To U.S. Water Supply

11/17/2014 - Girlfriend Talks Through Whole Goddamn Commercial

11/17/2014 - Facebook Reportedly Building LinkedIn-Style ‘Facebook At Work’

11/17/2014 - Pacific Ocean Quarantined After Contact With Carnival Cruise Ship

11/17/2014 - Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted

11/17/2014 - Cos And Effect

11/17/2014 - NFL Week 11 Winners And Losers

11/17/2014 - Do You Consider Yourself A Feminist?

11/17/2014 - Lester Holt Fills In For Brian Williams During Family’s Nightly Dinner

11/17/2014 - New History Channel Program Explores What Would Have Happened If History Channel Never Existed

11/17/2014 - Son Never Showed Such Dedication Until Starting Football Hazing

11/17/2014 - Study: Playing Action Video Games Can Make Children Better Learners

11/17/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of November 17, 2014

11/17/2014 - Today's Technology

11/14/2014 - Mitsubishi From ‘The Fast And The Furious’ Lands First Directorial Role

11/14/2014 - Report: 98% Of NFL Team Leaders Need To Step Up

11/14/2014 - Mall To Fine Shops $200 Per Hour For Being Closed On Thanksgiving

11/14/2014 - Band Dreams Of One Day Becoming Popular Enough To Alienate Early Fans

11/14/2014 - Man Sort Of Curious What His Last Straw Is Going To Be

11/14/2014 - High School Sweethearts To One Day Tell Grandchildren How They Met During Lockdown

11/14/2014 - School District Strikes All Religious Holidays From Calendar After Muslims Request Inclusion

11/14/2014 - Fantasy Football Week 11: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em

11/14/2014 - Florida State Coaches Award Helmet Sticker To Tallahassee Police Officer

11/14/2014 - Chinese Citizens Gather In Beijing Square To Watch U.S. National Debt Clock Strike $18 Trillion

11/14/2014 - Hip, Laid-Back Doctor Refers To Influenza As ‘The Flu’

11/14/2014 - New Law To Forgive Student Debt For College Graduates Once All Their Dreams Shattered

11/14/2014 - Bonus Scene: Intervention Prep

11/13/2014 - Calvin Klein Criticized After Hiring Size-10 Model For Plus-Size Line

11/13/2014 - All The Cheapest Items On Wedding Registry Already Purchased

11/13/2014 - Married Couple Frustrated After Months Of Unsuccessfully Trying To Sell A Baby

11/13/2014 - Man Tentatively Takes Shot At Bad-Mouthing Girlfriend’s Family For First Time

11/13/2014 - NFL Opens Counseling Center To Help Bears Fans Cope With Devastating Blowouts

11/13/2014 - Why Are We Putting Our Pet Up For Adoption?

11/13/2014 - Family Has Strict No Smartphone Rule While Eating Dinner In Front Of TV

11/13/2014 - Woman Comforting Friend Just Going To Throw Compliments Against Wall And See What Sticks

11/13/2014 - 10th-Grade Prodigy Studying Mathematics At 10th-Grade Level

11/13/2014 - Astronomers Discover Planet Identical To Earth With Orbital Space Mirror

11/13/2014 - Owner's Box: Marc Trestman Adopts Baby To Save Relationship With Bears

11/13/2014 - Area Man's Life Comes To Tragic Middle

11/12/2014 - White Supremacist Founds New KKK Chapter Open To Black, Gay People

11/12/2014 - Job Perks And Benefits That Companies Offer Employees

11/12/2014 - God Unable To Remember What Year Humanity Goes Extinct

11/12/2014 - Congress Passes Bill To Add Armed Patrol To U.S. Poverty Line

11/12/2014 - Walmart Turning Black Friday Into 5-Day Event

11/12/2014 - China Vows To Begin Aggressively Falsifying Air Pollution Numbers

11/12/2014 - Man Trying To Enter Conversation Spends Few Minutes Smiling And Nodding At Edge Of Circle

11/12/2014 - Senate Democrats Hoping To Go Out In Final Blaze Of Glory By Passing One Last Neutered Bill

11/12/2014 - Report: Friend’s Dad Knows Someone With Season Tickets

11/11/2014 - Nicki Minaj Apologizes For Nazi-Inspired Music Video

11/11/2014 - Obamacare Architect: Law Passed Because Of ‘Stupidity Of The American Voter’

11/11/2014 - Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

11/11/2014 - Jay Cutler: ‘I’ll Be The First Person To Admit We Need A New Punter’

11/11/2014 - Young Child Still Developing Antibodies To Mountain Dew

11/11/2014 - Pepsi Testing ‘Dewitos,’ Doritos-Flavored Mountain Dew

11/11/2014 - No One Should Have The Right To Die Until God Is Done Toying With Them

11/11/2014 - Report: None Of Good Cousins Coming To Thanksgiving This Year

11/11/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 11, 2014

11/11/2014 - Man Has No Idea What To Do With Visiting Friend Between Meals

11/11/2014 - Completely Uninhibited Party Guest Still Choosing To Talk About Work

11/11/2014 - Report: America Still World Leader In Manufacturing Excuses

11/11/2014 - Authorities Break Into Man's House To Find Dozens Of Neglected Fantasy Teams

11/10/2014 - Mild-Mannered Reporter Suddenly Transforms Into Incredible Unemployed Man

11/10/2014 - Modest ISIS Leader Credits Promotion Entirely To Drone Strikes

11/10/2014 - Custom Fireplace Store Totally Jumps Gentrification Gun

11/10/2014 - Study: Laundry Detergent Pods Pose Risk To Children

11/10/2014 - Ted Cruz’s Wife Shudders After Noticing Twin Beds Pushed Together

11/10/2014 - NFL Week 10 Winners And Losers

11/10/2014 - Facebook To Fight Ebola With News Feed Donation Drive

11/10/2014 - More Americans Putting Off Marriage Until Ultimatum

11/10/2014 - Man Announces Plan To Take Out Anger On First Less Powerful Person He Sees

11/10/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of November 10, 2014

11/10/2014 - Arrest Development

11/7/2014 - Fantasy Football Week 10: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em

11/7/2014 - It Unclear Which Half Of Couple Settling

11/7/2014 - Pet Adoption Tips

11/7/2014 - Baby Hippo Born To Mother On Birth Control

11/7/2014 - CNN Holds Morning Meeting To Decide What Viewers Should Panic About For Rest Of Day

11/7/2014 - Presidential Castrato Brought Into Oval Office To Soothe Obama’s Nerves

11/7/2014 - Foster Home Gets New Shipment

11/7/2014 - Report: 45% Of All Randomly Paired Freshman Roommates Now At Breaking Point

11/7/2014 - Navy Forms Elite New SEAL Team To Write Best-Selling Tell-All Books

11/7/2014 - Family Revels In Height Difference Between Mother And Tall Son

11/7/2014 - A Surprise Alliance - Ep. 10

11/6/2014 - Police Department To Post Pictures Of Prostitutes, Johns On Facebook As Last Stand Against Illegal Sex Work

11/6/2014 - Study: 83% Of Web Content Unfit For Human Consumption

11/6/2014 - The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

11/6/2014 - The Onion Reviews 'Interstellar'

11/6/2014 - How Are We Making A Difference?

11/6/2014 - Area Man Too Deep Into Haircut To Start Talking To Barber Now

11/6/2014 - Injury That Will Cause Excruciating Pain For Rest Of Life Thankfully Not Season-Ending

11/6/2014 - Ira Glass Exhausted From Doing Every Single Voice On ‘This American Life’

11/6/2014 - Baskin-Robbins To Honor Veterans With ‘First Class Camouflage’ Ice Cream

11/6/2014 - NFL Issues Stern Warning Against Looking Directly At Raiders' Offense

11/5/2014 - Wrong Turn Finds Man On Poor Side Of Mall

11/5/2014 - McConnell Promises To ‘Restore Hope, Confidence, And Optimism’ In Senate Takeover

11/5/2014 - Morbidly Curious Nation Wondering How Far Obama’s Appearance Will Deteriorate In 2 Years

11/5/2014 - New Employee Has Never Known Decadent Pleasures Of Old Office

11/5/2014 - Farmers’ Almanac Predicting Short Season For Primetime Dramas

11/5/2014 - Man Tinkering With Anecdote Set List Before Next Date

11/5/2014 - Ovulation Calendar Just The Ticket For Rekindling Couple’s Lagging Sex Life

11/5/2014 - Vacationing Secretary Of Homeland Security Asks Neighbor To Keep Eye On Nation Over Weekend

11/5/2014 - Clothing Company Releases Gender-Neutral Underwear

11/5/2014 - Life-Changing Epiphany Wears Off On Ride Home

11/5/2014 - Philadelphia-Area Sports Psychologist Already Clearing Schedule For Mark Sanchez

11/5/2014 - ESPN Curious If You Have Ever Considered Playing Fantasy Football

11/4/2014 - Republicans Poised To Retain Control Of Senate

11/4/2014 - Voter Interest At Record Low For Midterm Elections

11/4/2014 - Congressman To Attempt Living Off Military’s Budget For One Month

11/4/2014 - NFL Releases New Study On Long-Term Damage Of Concussion Research

11/4/2014 - The Onion’s Guide To Voting

11/4/2014 - Whenever I Feel Sad, I Just Go Down To The Wreck Of The Titanic

11/4/2014 - Election 2014: America Gives Democracy One Last Shot

11/4/2014 - Dating Website Ordered To Pay $600,000 For Creating Fake Profiles

11/4/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 4, 2014

11/4/2014 - Elementary Schoolers Depressed After Getting Look At Voters Filing Out Of Gymnasium

11/4/2014 - Family Impressed By Extra Effort Father Putting In To Hide Drinking

11/4/2014 - Laid-Back Company Allows Employees To Work From Home After 6 P.M.

11/4/2014 - First-Time Voter Will Always Remember Day He Cast Ballot For Nick Barborak

11/4/2014 - Single Strip Of ‘I Voted’ Stickers More Than Enough For Midterm Polling Station

11/3/2014 - Victoria’s Secret Under Fire For ‘Perfect Body’ Campaign

11/3/2014 - White House Lawn Covered In Congressional Campaign Signs

11/3/2014 - NFL Week Nine Winners And Losers

11/3/2014 - Museum’s Audio Guide Informs Visitors How Much More They Getting Out Of Experience Than Others

11/3/2014 - Do You Believe Nurses Returning From West Africa Should Be Quarantined?

11/3/2014 - Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

11/3/2014 - Man On Gurney Has Brief Word With Protagonist Before Entering Ambulance

11/3/2014 - Study: Women With More Children Are More Productive At Work

11/3/2014 - Majestic Pine Recruited For Yosemite By National Park Headhunters

11/3/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of November 3, 2014

11/3/2014 - Owner's Box: Andrew Luck Questionable After Finding Out About Death

11/3/2014 - Just My Type