Sitemap
2014 September
9/30/2014 - People Bending iPhones At Apple Stores
9/30/2014 - Man Hates Being Put In Position Where He Has To Think, Feel, Or Act
9/30/2014 - 50 Years Of Climate Change, Habitat Loss Somehow Unable To Take Down Goddamned Parrotfish
9/30/2014 - I’m Sorry, But You’re Just Not The Man I Hoped You Would Become When We Got Married
9/30/2014 - Do You Believe Spanking Is An Appropriate Punishment For Children?
9/30/2014 - Report: Consumer Confidence In Amorphous, Indefinable Idea Of Economy Highest Since 2006
9/30/2014 - Man Always Taking Good Mood Out On Friends
9/30/2014 - Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings
9/30/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 30, 2014
9/30/2014 - Kim Jong-Un Suffering From Gout Caused By Eating Too Much Cheese
9/30/2014 - Nation Braces For 13 More Weeks Of Coworkers Talking About Their Fantasy Football Teams
9/29/2014 - Song Deemed Good Enough To Put Girlfriend On Shoulders
9/29/2014 - George Clooney Gets Married
9/29/2014 - Highlights Of George Clooney’s Wedding
9/29/2014 - How China Stifles Dissent
9/29/2014 - Diabetic, Gout-Ridden Kim Jong-Un By Far Healthiest Person In North Korea
9/29/2014 - Liberal Arts Graduate Realizes He’s Already Forgotten 90% Of Human Condition
9/29/2014 - New NFL Rule Protects Quarterbacks From Brutal Criticism
9/29/2014 - NFL Week Four Winners And Losers
9/29/2014 - New Pepsi Product Specifically Mentions Target Demographic In Name
9/29/2014 - Unbereavable
9/29/2014 - Study Finds Mass Extinction Could Free Up Billions Of Dollars In Conservation Funding By 2024
9/29/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of September 29, 2014
9/29/2014 - Video Game ‘Swatting’ Hoax Costing Police Hundreds Of Thousands Of Dollars
9/26/2014 - Public Vs. Private Universities
9/26/2014 - Fantasy Football Week 4: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em
9/26/2014 - Nation’s Younger Cousins Announce Plans To Cry At Haunted Houses This Year
9/26/2014 - New ‘Anti-Facebook’ Social Network Ello Boasts Lack Of Ads
9/26/2014 - Heineken Reminds NFL Executives They Would Be Pretty Forgiving Corporate Sponsor
9/26/2014 - Pros And Cons Of Never Getting Married
9/26/2014 - Song Deemed Good Enough To Put Girlfriend On Shoulders
9/26/2014 - Tense Party Enters Third Hour Of Unplayed Acoustic Guitar Leaning Against Wall
9/26/2014 - Man Watches 5 Innings Of Game On Concession Stand’s TV Monitor
9/26/2014 - Report: Americans Throw Out More Food Than Plastic, Paper, Metal, Or Glass
9/26/2014 - BREAKING: This Is Section 208, We’re Supposed To Be In 209
9/26/2014 - Frozen Tundra Of Emptiness Stretching Out Forever And Ever Weighed Against Date With Mike4763
9/26/2014 - The Coming Storm - Ep. 5
9/25/2014 - Derek Jeter: ‘I Will Never Enter This Part Of The City Again’
9/25/2014 - Tears Well In Derek Jeter's Eyes Following Final Botched Grounder
9/25/2014 - Yankees Unveil Beautiful Derek Jeter Cage In Monument Park
9/25/2014 - Obama Informs Nation Anarchy Will Reign During Search For New Attorney General
9/25/2014 - Fans Angered As Epcot Replaces Classic Ride With ‘Frozen’ Attraction
9/25/2014 - Senator Trying To Make Long-Distance Relationship Work With Constituency Back Home
9/25/2014 - Area Man Experimented With Sex Back In College
9/25/2014 - Eric Holder Announces Least Controversial Decision Of Tenure
9/25/2014 - What Are We Saving For Later?
9/25/2014 - Nation Admits It Could Probably Be Talked Into Another War
9/25/2014 - Owner's Box: Didn’t I Predict Jeremy Maclin Would Have A Huge Week? Didn’t I Fucking Say That?
9/25/2014 - ‘Food-Shaming’ Fork Vibrates When Users Don’t Pause Between Bites
9/25/2014 - Tollbooth Attendant Wishes Just One High-Speed Chase Would Crash Through Entry Bar
9/25/2014 - 45% Of Items In Woman’s Apartment Have Word ‘Love’ Written On Them
9/25/2014 - Around The World In 80 Tailgates
9/24/2014 - Obama Faces Backlash For ‘Beverage Salute’
9/24/2014 - Parents Considering Second Child So Daughter Can Have Someone To Grow Apart From
9/24/2014 - What Mom Would Have Wanted Evolving Over Course Of Funeral Planning
9/24/2014 - Sources: NFL Knew What Evil Lurking Within Heart Of Man
9/24/2014 - Man Given 3 Months To Live Throws In One Or Two Non-Sexual Things To Do
9/24/2014 - Woman Worried Student Loans Could Prevent Her From One Day Owning Entirely Different Kind Of Crippling Debt
9/24/2014 - Man Stuck In Dead-End Body
9/24/2014 - New Cuddlr App Helps Strangers Meet For ‘Platonic Cuddling’
9/24/2014 - House Cat Announces Plans To Just Sit There For 46 Minutes
9/23/2014 - Alaska Reporter Quits On Air To Become Cannabis Campaigner
9/23/2014 - Congressman Embroiled In Sexting Scandal Explains: 'I Wanted That Girl To See My Penis'
9/23/2014 - Pop-Tarts Turn 50
9/23/2014 - It’s Just My Luck To Lose Thousands At The Blackjack Tables Every Night For The Past Few Weeks
9/23/2014 - Single Napkin Accompanying Takeout Order Presumes Man Eats Anything Like Human Being
9/23/2014 - NASA Administrator Resigns After Leak Of Offensive Anti-Moon Email
9/23/2014 - Too Late Now To Switch From Checkout Line With Talkative Cashier
9/23/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 23, 2014
9/23/2014 - Senator To Try Submitting Rejected Bill To Canadian Parliament
9/23/2014 - Report: You’re Actually Saving Money With Roller Rink Membership
9/22/2014 - Rescue Dog Adopted For Couple Weeks
9/22/2014 - Mars Maven Begins Mission To Take Thousands Of High-Resolution Desktop Backgrounds
9/22/2014 - Obama Sleeping With Louisville Slugger Under Bed Now
9/22/2014 - 400,000 Protesters Turn Out For People’s Climate March In NYC
9/22/2014 - 7.1 Billion Demonstrate In Favor Of Global Warming
9/22/2014 - NFL Week Three Winners And Losers
9/22/2014 - Will You Go On The Male Birth Control Pill When It Becomes Available?
9/22/2014 - Man Has Pretty Good Idea Which Friend Going To Give Up On Dream First
9/22/2014 - All Things Embittered
9/22/2014 - U.S. Still Enjoying Small But Loyal Following
9/22/2014 - Poll: 90% Of Americans Say Domestic Abuse Revelations Haven’t Changed How Much Football They Watch
9/22/2014 - Tips For Paying For College
9/22/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of September 22, 2014
9/22/2014 - Report: Women Getting ‘Boot Bulge’ Liposuction To Fit Into Fall Boots
9/22/2014 - Police Satisfied After Drunk Man Assures Them There’s No Problem
9/19/2014 - Report: More Children Being Raised With Religion Of Pushier Parent
9/19/2014 - Rescue Dog Adopted For Couple Weeks
9/19/2014 - Fantasy Football Week 3: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em
9/19/2014 - iPhone 6 Plus vs. Samsung Galaxy S5
9/19/2014 - Ugly Custody Battle Over Ian McKellen Narrowly Avoided
9/19/2014 - Survey: 10% Of Americans Have Gone To Work High
9/19/2014 - Report: Many U.S. Schools Can’t Afford Mannequins, Human Urine For Art Classes
9/19/2014 - Johnson & Johnson Hoping Brand Won’t Be Tarnished If They Dip Into Lethal Injection Game
9/18/2014 - Bonus Scene: New Player Orientation
9/18/2014 - Obama Tweets To Scotland: Stay United With U.K.
9/18/2014 - Artifacts Discovered Buried In Washington D.C. Suggest Humans Once Passed Laws There
9/18/2014 - British Empire To Be Reduced To 8 Acres Around Buckingham Palace By 2050
9/18/2014 - Why Can't We Donate Blood?
9/18/2014 - Report: Mom and Dad’s House Starting To Smell Like Grandma And Grandpa’s House
9/18/2014 - Family Members Of NFL Players Desperately Call For More Overseas Games
9/18/2014 - F. Scott Fitzgerald Estate Wondering Why The Hell Ken Burns Hasn’t Come Knocking Yet
9/18/2014 - Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired
9/18/2014 - Man Visiting Hometown Amazed To Find All His Childhood Insecurities Still There
9/18/2014 - Steelers To Wear Patch Honoring Victims Of Ben Roethlisberger
9/18/2014 - Many Pediatricians Avoiding Talking To Teens About Sex
9/18/2014 - Owner's Box: Tips For Winning Your Fantasy League In What Is Now Clearly The NFL’s Final Season
9/18/2014 - Mom
9/18/2014 - Encouragement Of Family, Friends Motivating Man To Keep Struggling Indefinitely
9/17/2014 - Study: Liberals, Conservatives Smell Different
9/17/2014 - How Public Schools Spend Taxpayer Money
9/17/2014 - Highly Touted Terrorist Prospect Weighing Multiple Recruitment Offers
9/17/2014 - BREAKING: Adrian Peterson Deactivated By Family
9/17/2014 - More Cities Using Text-Based Alert System To Warn Americans If They Are In Range Of NFL Players
9/17/2014 - New Health Insurance Law Lets Employers Refuse To Cover Contraceptives If They’re Morally Opposed To Women
9/17/2014 - History Will Be The True Judge Of My Tenure As Outback Steakhouse Shift Manager
9/17/2014 - Study: Fat Shaming Doesn’t Help Obese People Lose Weight
9/17/2014 - David Cameron To Scottish People: ‘I’ll Kill Myself If You Leave’
9/17/2014 - Fantasy Team’s Performance Only Thing Man Holding Himself Accountable For
9/16/2014 - Urban Outfitters Apologizes For Red-Stained Kent State Sweatshirt
9/16/2014 - In Face Of Adversity, Heroic NFL Fans Continue Watching Football
9/16/2014 - Should Parents Who Let Kids Play Outside Unsupervised Be Arrested?
9/16/2014 - CEO Says Office Shooting Could Not Have Come At A Worse Time For Company
9/16/2014 - Report: Laura’s Divorce Threatens Razor-Thin Democratic Majority In Family
9/16/2014 - Facebook Tests ‘Self-Destructing Posts’ Feature
9/16/2014 - Reclusive Deity Hasn’t Written A New Book In 2,000 Years
9/16/2014 - Man Not Himself Until He Has So Much Coffee He Feels Like He’s Going To Die
9/16/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 16, 2014
9/15/2014 - Man Wearing M&M Jacket Apparently Made In God's Image
9/15/2014 - Majority Of Americans Back Obama’s ISIS Plan But Doubt It Will Work
9/15/2014 - Daily Spin Class Only Thing Keeping Mom From Driving Car Full Of Kids Into Ocean
9/15/2014 - NFL Week Two Winners And Losers
9/15/2014 - Woman Nervous Mom Starting To Use Her As Confidant
9/15/2014 - Night Of Uninterrupted Deep Sleep Really Throws Man’s Day Off
9/15/2014 - Report: Majority Of U.S. Adults Now Single
9/15/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of September 15, 2014
9/15/2014 - Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself
9/15/2014 - Elderly Rite Aid Patron Stretching Out Conversation About Toothpaste To Prolong Human Contact
9/15/2014 - Spreading The Good Nudes
9/12/2014 - Patients Making Record Number Of Telehealth ‘E-Visits’ With Doctors
9/12/2014 - Tips For Fixing The Nation’s Education System
9/12/2014 - Man Wearing M&M Jacket Apparently Made In God's Image
9/12/2014 - Fantasy Football Week 2: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em
9/12/2014 - HR Sends Out Reminder Email About Not Scrawling ‘Revenge’ In Blood In Conference Room
9/12/2014 - Community Loses Interest 3 Days After Rallying To Save Local Theater
9/12/2014 - New ‘SheTaxi’ Cab Service Exclusively For Female Passengers, Drivers
9/12/2014 - Game Day - Ep. 4
9/11/2014 - Oscar Pistorius Found Not Guilty Of Murder
9/11/2014 - Goodell Assures Fans He Was Too Busy Dismissing Other Players’ Assaults To Watch Ray Rice Tape
9/11/2014 - The Pros And Cons Of Military Intervention Against ISIS
9/11/2014 - Current Baby Product Recalls
9/11/2014 - Uneasy Détente Forms Between Man Sitting On Patio, Bee
9/11/2014 - The Aftermath Of September 11
9/11/2014 - Poll: 80% Of Americans Would Get In Vehicle With Stranger For Chance At New Life
9/11/2014 - Casino Reporting Steady Profits From Slot Machine That Promises Players They Will Lose
9/11/2014 - Person Standing Far Away From Burial Must Have Deep, Dark Secret About Deceased
9/11/2014 - Fox Sports Announces Plans To Mic Up NFL Players’ Tendons
9/10/2014 - Obama Vows To Split ISIS Into Dozens Of Extremist Splinter Groups
9/10/2014 - ‘Apple Pay’ To Let Users Tap Phones As Credit Cards
9/10/2014 - Frustrated ESPN Producer Demands New Camera Angle Of Ray Rice Punching Wife
9/10/2014 - Concert Security Drastically Overestimating Fans’ Desire To Get Close To Cheap Trick
9/10/2014 - Owner's Box: Don’t Panic And Drop All Domestic Abusers From Your Roster Just Because Of Ray Rice Suspension
9/10/2014 - Obama To Assure Nation That ISIS Campaign Will Be Drawn-Out Ordeal They’re Used To
9/10/2014 - Absentminded Nation Catches Itself Turning To Its Leaders Again
9/10/2014 - Nation’s Huggers Announce Plans For You To Get Over Here
9/10/2014 - McDonald’s Testing Customizable Burgers To Compete With Chipotle
9/10/2014 - The Pros And Cons Of A Long-Distance Relationship
9/9/2014 - Olive Garden's 7-Week ‘Never Ending Pasta Passes’ Sell Out In 45 Minutes
9/9/2014 - John Harbaugh: 'It's Hard To Watch Disturbing Footage Of Our Loss To The Bengals'
9/9/2014 - 3-Day Waiting Period Leads To Far More Feasible Murder Plot
9/9/2014 - Features Of The New Apple Watch
9/9/2014 - Apple Releases Brief, Fleeting Moment Of Excitement
9/9/2014 - The Onion’s 2014 University Rankings
9/9/2014 - Are You Planning To Buy The iPhone 6?
9/9/2014 - NFL Announces New Zero-Tolerance Policy On Videotaped Domestic Violence
9/9/2014 - Doctor Has Troubling Amount Of Available Appointment Slots
9/9/2014 - Study: Popular Diets Pretty Much Equally Effective For Losing Weight
9/9/2014 - Apple Through The Years
9/9/2014 - Bank Of America Introduces New $50 Underdraft Fee
9/9/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 9, 2014
9/8/2014 - Adjusting Several Sliders On Recording Studio’s Mixing Console Pays Off Big Time
9/8/2014 - Cannibal Corpse Blasting From Papal Apartment Window
9/8/2014 - Amateur Sleuth Identifies Jack The Ripper
9/8/2014 - Puzzled Nation Can Remember Name Ferguson, But Not Sure From Where
9/8/2014 - Ravens Lauded For Brave Decision To Cut Ray Rice 4 Months Too Late
9/8/2014 - Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired
9/8/2014 - Man Excited To Give Visiting Friends The Real Fort Wayne Experience
9/8/2014 - America Cannot Continue To Function As The World’s Stripper Police
9/8/2014 - NFL Week One Winners And Losers
9/8/2014 - Sit. Stay. Die!
9/8/2014 - Every One Of Man’s Priorities Unrecognizable To Grandfather
9/8/2014 - Study: Action Movies Make People Eat More
9/8/2014 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of September, 8, 2014
9/6/2014 - The Week In Sports – Week Of September 6, 2014
9/5/2014 - Russian Mating Geckos Didn’t Survive Trip To Space
9/5/2014 - Cannibal Corpse Blasting From Papal Apartment Window
9/5/2014 - Chase Executives Fondly Recall Financial Company’s Hip-Hop Roots
9/5/2014 - NYPD Requiring Cops To Undergo Twitter Training
9/5/2014 - Owner's Box: Screws, Splintered Bones, Mangled Joints That Make Up Rob Gronkowski Poised For Huge Fantasy Year
9/5/2014 - Scientists Announce Ambitious Project To Map Layer Of Garbage On Ocean Floor
9/5/2014 - Bath & Body Works Scientists Destroy Experimental Scent Unfit For Mankind
9/5/2014 - Man Simultaneously Excited For, Dreading NFL Taking Up His Entire Sunday For Next Four Months
9/5/2014 - England: A Look Inside The Forbidden Kingdom
9/5/2014 - Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: AFC South
9/5/2014 - Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: NFC South
9/4/2014 - Draft Day - Ep. 3
9/4/2014 - iPhone 6 Fans Paying Line Holders To Wait Outside Stores
9/4/2014 - 2014 NFL Players To Watch
9/4/2014 - Least Successful Bible Movie Adaptations
9/4/2014 - Child Development Experts Say Boys Not Fully Mature Until Avenging Father’s Murder
9/4/2014 - Child Development Experts Say Boys Not Fully Mature Until Avenging Father’s Murder
9/4/2014 - Job Applicant Totally Nails Interview With Person Who Will Make Life A Living Hell For Next 5 Years
9/4/2014 - Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: NFC West
9/4/2014 - Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: AFC West
9/4/2014 - Startup Very Casual About Dress Code, Benefits
9/4/2014 - I-90 Adds Lane For Drivers Traveling Cross-Country To Stop Woman From Marrying Wrong Man
9/4/2014 - Jerry Jones Claims Dallas Cowboys Are The Team To Beat Up On This Season
9/4/2014 - Family Dinners Can Counteract Effects Of Cyberbullying
9/3/2014 - ‘Smart Mannequins’ Tell Shoppers About Clothes They’re Wearing
9/3/2014 - College Football Player First In Family To Meet NCAA Academic Eligibility Requirements
9/3/2014 - Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy
9/3/2014 - Nude Celebrity Photo Leak Sparks Controversy Over Who’s To Blame
9/3/2014 - Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: AFC North
9/3/2014 - Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: NFC North
9/3/2014 - Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs
9/3/2014 - Death Row Guard Has Always Had Soft Spot For The Innocent Ones
9/3/2014 - Should Teachers Be Permitted To Carry Guns In Schools?
9/3/2014 - Woman Not Going To Let Husband Of 60 Years Drag Her Into Death At Same Time
9/3/2014 - New Biodiversity Program Busses In Species From Outside Ecosystems
9/3/2014 - First Day Of School Photos A Chance To See How Much Cousin’s Kids Are Chunking Out This Year
9/2/2014 - Towels Across Water Park Lounge Chairs Mark Family’s Ironclad Claim
9/2/2014 - Mayor Hits On Crazy Idea Of Developing City’s Waterfront, Green Spaces
9/2/2014 - Study: Married Couples Who Smoke Marijuana Have Fewer Fights
9/2/2014 - RGIII Refusing To Let Realistic Assessment Of His Play Get To Him
9/2/2014 - Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: NFC East
9/2/2014 - Onion Sports' 2014 NFL Preview: AFC East
9/2/2014 - The Classroom Of The Future
9/2/2014 - New Study Finds Link Between Breastfeeding, Always Knowing What’s Right For Everyone
9/2/2014 - Report: This Just The 30th Wake-Up Call Woman Needed
9/2/2014 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 2, 2014
9/2/2014 - Dogs Get Separation Anxiety When Kids Leave For School
9/1/2014 - Housefly Drops Everything To Go Stand On Watermelon Slice