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2015 April
4/30/2015 - Report: Many Americans Not Watching Enough Television To Make Worthwhile Contribution To Small Talk
4/30/2015 - The Key To Getting Pregnant Is Letting Everyone Know You’re Trying
4/30/2015 - Raiders Considering Taking Chance On Prospect With Zero Off-Field Incidents
4/30/2015 - Mel Kiper Seeks Blind Oracle’s Prophecy Of Browns’ First-Round Pick
4/30/2015 - McDonald’s Axes 7 Sandwiches In ‘Menu Simplification’
4/30/2015 - Man Frantically Returns To Website That Just Crashed His Browser
4/30/2015 - Who Is Bernie Sanders?
4/30/2015 - The Onion Reviews 'Avengers: Age Of Ultron'
4/30/2015 - Aerospace Engineers Warn First-Grader’s Design For Spaceship Completely Unsafe
4/30/2015 - Study Finds Majority Of Urban Households Located In Roller Rink Deserts
4/30/2015 - Report: U.S. Zoos Letting Elephants Die Out
4/30/2015 - Report: It Apparently Time In Conversation To Smile, Laugh
4/30/2015 - Putin Starts Off Morning By Sitting Down To Write The Day’s News
4/29/2015 - Report: Apple Watch Doesn’t Work Well On Tattooed Wrists
4/29/2015 - Pros And Cons Of The Greek System
4/29/2015 - Jameis Winston Wows Teams With Ability To Tell Them Exactly What They Want To Hear
4/29/2015 - Nation On Edge As Court Votes Whether To Legalize Gay Marriage Now Or In A Few Years
4/29/2015 - Nation Just Hoping Next President Can Prevent Country’s Decline From Being Totally Humiliating
4/29/2015 - Baltimore Residents Urged To Stay Indoors Until Social Progress Naturally Takes Its Course Over Next Century
4/29/2015 - Authorities Believe Man Radicalized While Serving 18 Years In Congress
4/29/2015 - Increasing Number Of Couples Now Using Surrogates To Have, Raise Baby
4/29/2015 - First Kid To Wake Up At Slumber Party Gets Exclusive Look At Friend’s Mom’s Morning Routine
4/29/2015 - London Shop Relaunching Breast Milk Ice Cream In Honor Of Royal Baby
4/28/2015 - Man Boldly Declares This Must-Win Game
4/28/2015 - Professor Fails Entire Class For Bad Behavior
4/28/2015 - Delusional Man Turning Off Laptop Like He’s Done With It For Night
4/28/2015 - I Only Like Movies Where The Whole Cast Dances In A Little Box Next To The End Credits
4/28/2015 - Abercrombie & Fitch No Longer Placing Shirtless Models Outside Stores
4/28/2015 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 28, 2015
4/28/2015 - Man Proud Of Food He Ordered
4/27/2015 - Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu
4/27/2015 - College Encourages Lively Exchange Of Idea
4/27/2015 - Conservative Group: Gay Marriage Will Lead To 900,000 Abortions
4/27/2015 - Baby Has Sinking Feeling He Left Home Without Oversize Multicolor Plastic Keys
4/27/2015 - Amazon Testing Car Trunk Delivery
4/27/2015 - Woman Can’t Wait To Get Home And Take Off Uncomfortable Persona
4/27/2015 - Excited CIA Director Can’t Wait To Declassify Last Night’s Incredible Mission In Middle East
4/27/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 27, 2015
4/27/2015 - Getting Off On The Wrong Foot
4/27/2015 - Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled
4/27/2015 - Sad 38-Year-Old Googles 'Jobs Caring For Baby Animals'
4/24/2015 - Native American Actors Walk Off Set Of Adam Sandler Movie
4/24/2015 - Tips For Going Green
4/24/2015 - Best Playoff Performances In NBA History
4/24/2015 - Gym Teacher Devises Elaborate Sport From Handful Of Foam Cubes, Scooters, Plastic Mats
4/24/2015 - Report: Income Inequality Most Apparent During Fifth-Grade Classmate’s Birthday Party
4/24/2015 - Content Writer Awkwardly Shows Parents Around Website Where He Works
4/24/2015 - Arizona State Offering ‘Pay-As-You-Pass’ College Courses
4/23/2015 - Visit Home Reveals Parents Currently Watching Previously Undiscovered Game Show
4/23/2015 - Visit Home Reveals Parents Currently Watching Previously Undiscovered Game Show
4/23/2015 - Ben Affleck: I Was ‘Embarrassed’ By Slave-Owner Ancestor
4/23/2015 - YouTube Turns 10
4/23/2015 - New TSA Precheck Program Offers Expedited Interrogations For Muslim Passengers
4/23/2015 - High School Student Taking Rejection From First-Choice College In Stride As If Future Not Over
4/23/2015 - Pharmaceutical Rep Assures Doctor He Personally Tries Every Drug He Promotes
4/23/2015 - Entire Week Of Sports Passes Without One Person Making Play
4/23/2015 - Maybelline Introduces Line Of Injectable Makeup To Enhance Appearance Of Internal Organs
4/23/2015 - Entire Treasury Department Competing For Same Goldman Sachs Job Opening
4/23/2015 - Study: Vaccines Don’t Cause Autism Even In High-Risk Kids
4/23/2015 - Apartment Manager Already Knows To Look Out For Tenant Sending In Minnie Mouse Checks
4/22/2015 - Report: New NFL Stadium In Los Angeles Could Create Thousands Of Local Law Enforcement Jobs
4/22/2015 - Report: Teens Injuring Lips Doing ‘Kylie Jenner Challenge’
4/22/2015 - Pros And Cons Of Going To Grad School
4/22/2015 - Houseguest Asks If Host Has Blanket That’s Never Been Washed He Can Use
4/22/2015 - Tim Tebow Figures Ingraining Himself In Philadelphia Charity Scene Best Shot Of Sticking With Team
4/22/2015 - For-Profit College Hastily Designs Diploma For Student On Verge Of Actually Graduating
4/22/2015 - Study Finds Those With Deceased Family Members At High Risk Of Dying Themselves
4/22/2015 - Kraft Eliminating Fake Blazing Orange Color From Mac And Cheese
4/22/2015 - Boehner Opens Another Heap Of Letters From Constituents Asking To Give Corporations More Tax Breaks
4/22/2015 - Ex-Con Still Hanging Out With Hallucinatory Voices That Got Him In Trouble In First Place
4/22/2015 - Anthony Davis' Unibrow Now Wrapping Completely Around Head
4/22/2015 - Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair
4/21/2015 - Aquarium Gives Penguins Private ‘Honeymoon Suites’ To Encourage Mating
4/21/2015 - Study: Men Gamble Bigger When Physically Attractive Guys Are Around
4/21/2015 - Encouraging U.S. Department Of Labor Reminds Job Seekers About All The Dumbfucks Out There
4/21/2015 - Study: Men Gamble Bigger When Physically Attractive Guys Are Around
4/21/2015 - Eagles Sign JaMarcus Russell, Matt Leinart, Vince Young, Ryan Leaf
4/21/2015 - Medical Experts Disappointed With Man Who Failed To Live Up To Life Expectancy
4/21/2015 - Relationship Reaches Point Where Breaking Up, Getting Married Would Be Equally Huge Hassle
4/21/2015 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 21, 2015
4/21/2015 - I Know Heaven Is Real Because I Saw It And Abducted An Angel
4/20/2015 - Pot Smokers Around World Celebrate 4/20
4/20/2015 - Iowa Restaurant Patron Can Remember Every Breakfast Ruined By Presidential Candidates
4/20/2015 - Hand Gestures Transform Friend’s Story Into Immersive Virtual Reality Experience
4/20/2015 - Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids
4/20/2015 - Man Pleased To Find Most Of His Mid-’90s Anti-Hillary Rant Still Usable
4/20/2015 - Viewer Prepared To Believe Whatever Documentary Tells Him About Coral Reefs
4/20/2015 - Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse
4/20/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 20, 2015
4/20/2015 - To Hill And Back
4/20/2015 - Hollywood Quietly Shuts Down After Realizing That Entertainment A Delicate Matter Of Subjective Opinion
4/17/2015 - Lovestruck Arabian Princess Begs Father To Spare John Kerry’s Life
4/17/2015 - Lethal Injection Least Effective Drugs Man Took While In Prison
4/17/2015 - Alcohol-Themed Party A Success
4/17/2015 - ‘Financial Date Nights’ Can Benefit Couples
4/16/2015 - Left Fielder Thinking About The Ways A Triple Play Could End With Him
4/16/2015 - Corporate Wellness Programs
4/16/2015 - Study Links Facebook To Depression
4/15/2015 - Interpol Admits 89% Of Its Cases Involve Finding, Recovering The ‘Mona Lisa’
4/15/2015 - Complete Idiot Forgot To Shave Area Between Mouth And Nose
4/15/2015 - Budget Wedding Tips
4/15/2015 - Mom Scared For NHL Players Without Visors
4/15/2015 - Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money
4/15/2015 - Cosmologists: Aliens Most Likely Huge
4/14/2015 - Timberwolves’ Arena Staff Cleaning Up During Third Quarter So They Can Go Home Right At Buzzer
4/14/2015 - Architect Presents Obama With Generic Options For War Memorial That Could Work For Syria, Libya, Yemen
4/14/2015 - New Evidence Suggests Middle East Conflict Predates All Human Civilization
4/14/2015 - Report: American Millennials Among Least Skilled In World
4/13/2015 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 14, 2015
4/13/2015 - Report: NFL Hires First Female Referee
4/13/2015 - U.S. Encouraging Cuba To Shift Toward Democratic System Of Corruption
4/13/2015 - Hillary Clinton: The Merciless, Unrelenting March To The Presidency
4/13/2015 - Who Is Marco Rubio?
4/13/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 13, 2015
4/13/2015 - Umpire Says He Was On LSD When He Called No-Hitter
4/13/2015 - Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle
4/13/2015 - La Cage Aux Fat
4/13/2015 - Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase
4/13/2015 - LED Bulb Coming To Terms With Fact That It Will Outlive All Its Friends
4/12/2015 - Hillary Clinton To Nation: ‘Do Not Fuck This Up For Me’
4/10/2015 - 7-Eleven Launches ‘Bring Your Own Cup’ Slurpee Day
4/10/2015 - Candidate Profile: Hillary Clinton
4/10/2015 - Obama Fantasizes About Ordering Drone Strike Against Self On Last Day Of Presidency
4/10/2015 - Study: Best Method Of Finding Job Still Excitedly Circling Newspaper Listing In Red Marker
4/10/2015 - Could This Rare Species Of Frog Hold The Key To Making Cancer Far Worse?
4/10/2015 - Barber’s Paunch Keeps Touching Customer
4/10/2015 - Area Man Not About To Tie His Shoe When He's 4 Blocks Away From Sitting Down
4/9/2015 - Obama Supports Banning Gay ‘Conversion’ Therapies For Minors
4/9/2015 - Man Reluctantly Deletes Video Of Friend Trying To Vault Mailbox To Clear Data Space For Child’s Birth
4/9/2015 - Gay Conversion Therapists Claim Most Patients Fully Straight By The Time They Commit Suicide
4/9/2015 - The Pros And Cons Of Body Cameras For Police
4/9/2015 - Belt Looks Weird On Child
4/9/2015 - Phillies Concession Stand Offering Plastic Helmets For Fans To Vomit In
4/9/2015 - What Are We Sugarcoating?
4/9/2015 - PetSmart Manager Does Morning Sweep Of Enclosures For Dead Ones Before Opening Doors For Day
4/9/2015 - FDA Figures It Will Get Around To Regulating Supplements With Names Like Black Widow, Yellow Demon
4/9/2015 - Supreme Ruler Of Laundry Room Moves Load Of Clothes From Washer To Top Of Washer
4/8/2015 - Nation Letting Itself Have Few Moments Of Celebration Before Returning To Horrifying Reality Of Violent Extremism
4/8/2015 - DOJ Announces Initiative To Deploy Smartphone-Carrying Bystanders To Nation’s Streets
4/8/2015 - Nation Hopeful There Will Be Equally Random Chance Of Justice For Future Victims Of Police Abuse
4/8/2015 - Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park
4/8/2015 - College Accepts Safety Student Just In Case Top Choices Don’t Work Out
4/8/2015 - Fantasy Baseball Team Suffers Major Setback As Owner Embarks On Weeklong Honeymoon Without Internet Access
4/8/2015 - Bully Can’t Believe Classmate Took 4 Straight Years Of Being Told To Kill Herself Seriously
4/8/2015 - Man Waiting In H&R Block Lobby Nervously Eyeing How Much More Paperwork Everyone Else Brought
4/7/2015 - Ron Paul Withholding Presidential Endorsement Until True Libertarian Candidate Enters Race
4/7/2015 - Who Is Rand Paul?
4/7/2015 - Judge: Woman Can File Divorce Papers On Facebook
4/7/2015 - Mike Krzyzewski Admits He’d Like To Smack Grayson Allen’s Precious Fucking Baby Face
4/7/2015 - Report: Holding Trophy Above Head Still Number One Celebration Technique
4/7/2015 - Duke Basketball: The March To Five National Tragedies
4/7/2015 - SeaWorld Responds To California Drought By Draining Animal Tanks Halfway
4/7/2015 - Grandma Will Always Be Alive As Long As You Remember Her And Never Think About Anything Else
4/7/2015 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 7, 2015
4/6/2015 - Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin
4/6/2015 - Supporters Raise $840K For Anti–Gay Marriage Pizza Joint
4/6/2015 - California Officials Assure Residents There Still Plenty Of Other Natural Resources To Waste
4/6/2015 - Woman Drawn To Shampoo With Most Gruesome Description Of Hair
4/6/2015 - The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices
4/6/2015 - Kentucky Players Distraught Over Losing Undefeated Season Bonuses
4/6/2015 - Stephen Strasburg Encourages Pitchers To Shorten Games By Increasing Speed Of Fastball
4/6/2015 - Man Always Carries Gun In Case He Needs To Escalate Situation
4/6/2015 - Report: High School Students Using Instagram To Choose Colleges
4/6/2015 - A Living Rage
4/6/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 6, 2015
4/3/2015 - Stanford Offering Free Tuition To Students Whose Families Make Less Than $125,000
4/3/2015 - Cubs Insist Wrigley Field Beef Machine Will Be Ready For Opening Day
4/3/2015 - Out-Of-Style Woman Still Has Last Season’s Body Issues
4/3/2015 - Conversational Lamprey Slowly Draining Life From Dinner Party
4/3/2015 - McDonald’s Raising Wages 10% To Attract Better Workers
4/3/2015 - Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock
4/3/2015 - Philadelphia Museum Of Art Erects Statue Of Overweight Tourist Posing Next To Rocky Statue
4/3/2015 - Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives
4/2/2015 - How California Is Conserving Water
4/2/2015 - Madame Tussauds Appoints ‘Tissue Attendant’ To Comfort One Direction Fans
4/2/2015 - Narcissist Convinced Total Strangers Would Want His Organs
4/2/2015 - Wes Welker Fielding Offers From Numerous Concussion Researchers
4/2/2015 - Engineers Unveil New Driverless Car Capable Of Committing Hit-And-Run
4/2/2015 - Chris Hemsworth Deputizes Hunk To Assume ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ Duties In His Absence
4/2/2015 - Report: Majority Of Earth’s Potable Water Trapped In Coca-Cola Products
4/2/2015 - Mother Only Wants One Bite
4/2/2015 - Karl Lagerfeld’s Cat Made $3 Million Last Year From Modeling Gigs
4/1/2015 - Tips For Dealing With College Rejection
4/1/2015 - Study: Kids Allowed To Sip Alcohol Drink More As Teens
4/1/2015 - 60-Year-Old Corporate Executive Grotesquely Forms Word ‘Hashtag’
4/1/2015 - Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit
4/1/2015 - Woman Thinks She Can Just Waltz Back Into Work After Maternity Leave Without Bringing Baby To Office
4/1/2015 - Aaron Hernandez’s Fiancée: ‘I Have No Idea What Incriminating Evidence Was In The Box I Threw Out’
4/1/2015 - Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public
4/1/2015 - New Poll Finds 74% Of Americans Would Be Comfortable Blaming Female President For Problems
4/1/2015 - New App Lets You Work For Your Company Even While You Sleep
4/1/2015 - NBC Announces Next Live Musical Will Be ‘The Wiz’
4/1/2015 - Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect