Sitemap: 2015 August | The Onion

8/31/2015 - Mt. McKinley To Be Renamed Denali

8/31/2015 - Suppers And Downers

8/31/2015 - Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

8/31/2015 - Ted Cruz Worried All The Good Countries To Wall Off Taken By Other Candidates

8/31/2015 - Santorum Nostalgic For Time When Beliefs Were Outlandish Enough To Make Headlines

8/31/2015 - Pope Cleans Up Dead Angel Who Flew Into Sistine Chapel Window

8/31/2015 - The Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Prostitution

8/31/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 31, 2015

8/31/2015 - Caitlyn Jenner Halloween Costume Sparks Outrage

8/31/2015 - New Magnet School Opens For Students With Interest In Receiving Competent Education

8/28/2015 - ‘Better Homes & Gardens’ Puts First Plus-Sized Succulent On September Cover

8/28/2015 - 1 Billion Users Log Onto Facebook In Single Day

8/28/2015 - Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

8/28/2015 - 1,400 Dead After Mike Trout Fouls Line Drive Into Stands

8/28/2015 - Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

8/28/2015 - Josh Duggar Enters Rehab Following Scandal

8/28/2015 - Due To A Scheduling Error, We Sit Down With The Cast Of ‘Empire’ And Mitch McConnell

8/28/2015 - Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

8/28/2015 - Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

8/27/2015 - Majority Of NFL Players Say They Wouldn’t Let Their Son Play Preseason Football

8/27/2015 - Responsible Gun Owner Keeps Firearms Safely Locked Away Where Only He Can Get Them During Mental Breakdown

8/27/2015 - National Zoo Panda Cub Dies

8/27/2015 - Scott Walker Watches Candidates Emerge Shaken From GOP’s Female Experience Simulator

8/27/2015 - Nation To Try Channeling Outrage Over Gun Control Into Issue That Can Actually Be Addressed

8/27/2015 - Onion Explains: Global Nuclear Proliferation

8/27/2015 - A Look At The Class Of 2019

8/27/2015 - ISIS Operatives Destroy Hofner Bass Guitar Signed By Paul McCartney

8/27/2015 - Hubble Telescope Discovers Giant Amelia Earhart Statue On Distant Planet

8/27/2015 - Drug-Resistant ‘Super Lice’ On The Rise

8/26/2015 - Quantum Political Scientists Hypothesize Country Headed In Both Right And Wrong Directions Simultaneously

8/26/2015 - Burger King Proposes Teaming With McDonald’s To Sell ‘McWhopper’

8/26/2015 - Report: Limbo Competition Nation’s Last Example Of Pure Meritocracy

8/26/2015 - Lindsey Graham Struggling To Stay Awake While Driving Empty Campaign Bus Overnight To Next Event

8/26/2015 - Partners Who Share Parenting Duties Have Better Sex

8/26/2015 - Barbara Bush Calls White House To See If She Can Leave Husband There For Few Hours

8/26/2015 - Guantanamo Bay Begins Construction On Senior Care Wing

8/26/2015 - Oh God, Invitation To Lunch Somehow Trickled Down To Office Weirdos

8/25/2015 - How Trump Continues To Lead The Polls

8/25/2015 - Fraternity Penalized For Offensive Banners

8/25/2015 - Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government

8/25/2015 - Area Man Incapable Of Making Plans Without Excitedly Rubbing Palms Together

8/25/2015 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 25, 2015

8/25/2015 - Unfortunately, Nobody Met Our Standards To Be September’s ‘Penthouse’ Pet

8/25/2015 - Study: Patients Lose More Weight With Doctor Support

8/25/2015 - Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

8/25/2015 - Scientists Confident Artificially Intelligent Machines Can Be Programmed To Be Lenient Slave Masters

8/25/2015 - Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

8/24/2015 - Rosetta Stone Offers New Spanish Language Course For Pandering Presidential Candidates

8/24/2015 - Out-Of-Control Scott Walker Injured After Wildly Careening Between Stances On Immigration

8/24/2015 - Female Trump Supporters Just Feel More Comfortable With GOP Candidate Who’s Openly Horrible To Them

8/24/2015 - Whales Found Dead In ‘Mortality Event’ In Alaska

8/24/2015 - Chiefs Rookies Forced To Lug Andy Reid’s Snacks To And From Practice

8/24/2015 - Shoddy Chinese-Made Stock Market Collapses

8/24/2015 - Tips For Choosing The Right Veterinarian

8/24/2015 - Man To Undergo Extensive Interrogation By Coworkers About Where He Got Falafel

8/24/2015 - Strongside/Weakside: Jose Mourinho

8/24/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 24, 2015

8/24/2015 - Poorly Trained

8/24/2015 - Report: July 2015 Hottest Month On Record

8/24/2015 - Office Disgusted By Two Coworkers Getting All Chummy With Each Other

8/21/2015 - Banksy Opens ‘Dismaland’ Theme Park

8/21/2015 - Entire Ruby Tuesday Waitstaff Just Trying To Ignore Table Holding Fantasy Football Draft

8/21/2015 - Budweiser Unveils Social Anxiety Bottle With 900% More Label To Pick At

8/21/2015 - College Still Looking For Absolute Saddest Place On Campus To Hold Transfer Student Orientation

8/21/2015 - We Keep This Man Who Served 30 Years For A Crime He Didn’t Commit Waiting Half An Hour At A Coffee Shop

8/21/2015 - Terrifying Server Whole-Heartedly Cares About Guests’ Dining Experience

8/21/2015 - Relieved Scott Walker Narrowly Avoids Acknowledging Immigrants’ Humanity During Campaign Speech

8/20/2015 - Lindsey Graham Can’t Believe He Left CD With Campaign Song At Red Roof Inn

8/20/2015 - It Impossible To Tell What Sounds Will Freak Out Cat

8/20/2015 - Mayor Calls For Crackdown On Topless Women In Times Square

8/20/2015 - Jason Witten Can’t Believe He Stuck Rooming With Jerry Jones During Training Camp Again

8/20/2015 - Massive Sinkhole In Florida Reopens

8/20/2015 - What You Need To Know About ‘Female Viagra’

8/20/2015 - Family Cuts Nursing Home Visit Short So Grandmother Can Get Back To Excruciating Loneliness

8/20/2015 - New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

8/20/2015 - New SeaWorld Show Just Elephant Drowning In Large Tank Of Water With No Explanation

8/20/2015 - Onion Explains: The Terrifying Growth Of ISIS

8/20/2015 - Government Agencies Soliciting Yelp Reviews

8/20/2015 - Standards Lowered For Second Search Through Fridge

8/20/2015 - Chinese Basketball Team Receives Cargo Container Filled With Unwanted Greg Oden

8/19/2015 - Underworld Health Organization Launches Initiative To Improve Incubus Immortality Rate

8/19/2015 - Redskins Maintain They Were Legally Granted Right To Name By 1807 Treaty Of Blackwater Creek

8/19/2015 - Subway’s Jared Will Allegedly Plead Guilty To Child Porn

8/19/2015 - Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

8/19/2015 - Climate Change Deniers Present Graphic Description Of What Earth Must Look Like For Them To Believe

8/19/2015 - Why Westerners Join ISIS

8/19/2015 - New ‘Drinkable Book’ Could Provide Millions With Clean Water

8/19/2015 - Man Doing Karaoke Clearly Sings This One Every Time

8/19/2015 - Cocaine Dealer Most Upstanding Guy Wall Street Broker Knows

8/18/2015 - Americans Outraged Amazon’s Punishing Work Culture Has Yet To Yield Same-Day Shipping For All Products

8/18/2015 - Amazon Exposé Alleges Mistreatment Of Workers

8/18/2015 - Obama’s Post-Presidency Plans

8/18/2015 - Jeff Bezos Assures Amazon Employees That HR Working 100 Hours A Week To Address Their Complaints

8/18/2015 - Report: Distracted Driving Results In More Than 5,000 Unfinished Texts Each Year

8/18/2015 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

8/18/2015 - Put My Beautiful Daughter On The $10 Bill

8/18/2015 - Encouraging Study Finds It Now Easier Than Ever For American Dollars To Rise Into Upper Class

8/18/2015 - Paparazzi Using ‘Dangerous’ Tactics To Photograph Prince George

8/17/2015 - Apartment Listing Sweetens The Pot With Offer To Sell Current Tenant’s 9-Year-Old Furniture

8/17/2015 - Ben Carson Wows Iowa State Fair Attendees With Massive 300-Pound Brain

8/17/2015 - Disney Adding ‘Star Wars’ Attractions To Parks

8/17/2015 - Details Of Donald Trump’s Immigration Plan

8/17/2015 - Hillary Clinton Assured Drop In Polls Just Indication People Haven’t Abandoned Ideals Yet

8/17/2015 - Tips For Handling A Picky Eater

8/17/2015 - St. Louis Rams Threaten To Leave Town Unless Taxpayers Personally Build Stadium With Bare Hands

8/17/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 17, 2015

8/17/2015 - Shot On Location

8/17/2015 - Drones Could Be Causing Stress To Wildlife

8/17/2015 - God Announces Plans To Slowly Wean Humans Off Religion

8/14/2015 - U.S. Border Collie Rounds Up 11 Million Illegal Immigrants

8/14/2015 - Study: Human Reaction Time Now Best Measured By How Long It Takes To Pause ESPN Video Player

8/14/2015 - British Authorities Combat ‘Cyber-Flashing’

8/14/2015 - Huckabee Campaign Suspended After Candidate Trapped In Briar Patch

8/14/2015 - Highlights From NFL Training Camp

8/14/2015 - Poll Finds Americans’ Greatest Fear Is Waitress Forgetting About Them

8/14/2015 - Octopus Species Filmed Mating Face-To-Face

8/14/2015 - We Meet Feminists Halfway By Airbrushing This Plus-Size Model

8/13/2015 - What’s Been Found In Hillary’s Emails So Far

8/13/2015 - Body Breaking Down In Totally Different Order Than Man Expected

8/13/2015 - Music Found To Speed Recovery In Surgery Patients

8/13/2015 - Vilsack Reprimanded For Spending Work Hours Writing Corn Blog

8/13/2015 - Biden Offers Government Post To Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark

8/13/2015 - Cockroach Worried About What Kind Of Kitchen Cupboard He Leaving To Children

8/13/2015 - Recent Graduate Figures She Might As Well Do Good In World Until Economy Picks Up

8/13/2015 - Scientists Teach Father To Communicate Emotions Using Rudimentary Hand Gestures

8/13/2015 - Hazed NFL Rookie Forced To Pay For Rest Of Team’s Child Support

8/13/2015 - Onion Explains: The International State Of Women’s Rights

8/13/2015 - Wildlife Experts Say Not Climbing Into Gorilla Enclosure Likely Saved Man’s Life

8/13/2015 - Report: Average American Feels Comfortable In Own Skin For Only 6% Of Day

8/13/2015 - Use Of ‘LOL’ On The Decline

8/13/2015 - Report: One Guy Really Fucking Up 4-Way Frisbee Circle

8/12/2015 - This Obviously Aliens’ First Abduction

8/12/2015 - Report Finds No Protocol For Cleaning Hospitals

8/12/2015 - Man Deftly Downplays His Neighborhood To Coworker Thinking Of Moving There

8/12/2015 - GMOs: Myth vs. Fact

8/12/2015 - Lone Tent A Dark Harbinger Of Looming Street Festival

8/12/2015 - Russia Destroys 4 Tons Of Banned Imported Food

8/12/2015 - Arne Duncan Stressed About Preparing For Standardized Secretary Of Education Exam

8/12/2015 - Male Friends Depart For Annual Camping Trip To Complain About Camping

8/12/2015 - New Study Finds Earth’s Core Will Be Most Habitable Part Of Planet By 2060

8/11/2015 - Area Man Nostalgic For Time When Ads Targeting Him Not As Sad

8/11/2015 - Colorado Declares State Of Emergency Over Wastewater Spill

8/11/2015 - Timeline Of Google’s History

8/11/2015 - Restaurant’s Nacho Challenge Requires Participants To Watch Man Consume 3 Pounds Of Nachos

8/11/2015 - NFL To Prohibit Family Members From Delivering Speeches At Players’ Funerals

8/11/2015 - What Coca-Cola Does To The Body

8/11/2015 - Contemplative Aldon Smith Goes On Late Night Drunk Drive To Think About Future

8/11/2015 - Little Leaguer Immediately Becomes Major League–Caliber All-Star After Putting Chewing Tobacco In Mouth

8/11/2015 - Mom’s Fears About Daughter Leaving For College Channeled Into Fight About Storage Bins

8/11/2015 - Poll: 89% Of Americans Believe Obama Has Failed To Bring America Closer To Celestial Utopia Of Endless Pleasure

8/10/2015 - Netflix Offering Year-Long Paid Parental Leave

8/10/2015 - Lindsey Graham Stays Up All Night Running Campaign Ideas By Toll-Free Telephone Operator

8/10/2015 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 11, 2015

8/10/2015 - Target To Remove Gender-Based Labels In Stores

8/10/2015 - How The GOP Can Appeal To Women

8/10/2015 - How New Parents Can Stay Healthy

8/10/2015 - Ag-grivated Assault

8/10/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 10, 2015

8/10/2015 - Top 2014 Films Show Wide Diversity Gap

8/10/2015 - Curt Schilling Spends ‘Sunday Night Baseball’ Delivering Real Estate Investment Pitch To John Kruk

8/10/2015 - Nation’s Pregnant Women Announce Discovery Of Comfortable Sitting Position

8/10/2015 - How Hackers Steal Data From Websites

8/10/2015 - If Another Country Ever Started Calling Itself America, I’d Be So Pissed

8/7/2015 - Most Used Words In The GOP Debate

8/7/2015 - North Korea To Instate New Time Zone

8/7/2015 - Strongside/Weakside: Ronda Rousey

8/7/2015 - Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today

8/7/2015 - New Statewide Education Standards Require Teachers To Forever Change Lives Of 30% Of Students

8/7/2015 - Obama Practices Defiant Speech To Aliens Late At Night Behind Oval Office Desk

8/7/2015 - Having Awkward Conversation With Coworkers In Alternate Venue Referred To As ‘Going Out To Lunch’

8/7/2015 - Pope Francis Urges Compassion For Divorced Catholics

8/7/2015 - Nation’s Pansies Announce Plan To Slowly Acclimate To Pool

8/7/2015 - Coworker Retreats To Remote Corner Of Office To Complete Disgusting Food Order

8/7/2015 - New Roommate Bestows Apartment With Unexpected Windfall Of End Tables

8/6/2015 - Frustrated Debate Moderator Reminds Audience To Refrain From John Kasich Chants While Other Candidates Speaking

8/6/2015 - Trump Delivers Anecdote About Small Business Owner Who Isn’t Half The Man He Is

8/6/2015 - Candidate Profile: Donald Trump

8/6/2015 - Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

8/6/2015 - Bobby Jindal Vows To Return America To Time When He Was Rising Republican Star

8/6/2015 - Spicy Foods Could Increase Lifespan

8/6/2015 - What To Expect From Tonight’s GOP Debate

8/6/2015 - Marlins Players Enthusiastically Gather Around Stadium Exit After Walk-Off Home Run

8/6/2015 - Patriots Tired Of Jimmy Garoppolo Beginning Every Huddle With ‘This Is My Team Now’

8/6/2015 - Nicaraguan Diplomat Drops Deadly Spider Onto John Kerry’s Blanket

8/6/2015 - Scientists Continue Developing Alternative Energy Sources For Americans To Waste

8/6/2015 - Onion Explains: The Totalitarian State Of North Korea

8/6/2015 - Bonobos Make Sounds Like Human Infants

8/5/2015 - Dancing 7-Year-Old Looks To Expand Fan Base From Parents To Parents’ Friends

8/5/2015 - Kermit, Miss Piggy Announce Breakup

8/5/2015 - Poll: Majority Of Voters Not Looking For Serious, Long-Term Candidate Right Now

8/5/2015 - The Pros And Cons Of Trophy Hunting

8/5/2015 - Marco Rubio Climbs Over Garden Wall For Forbidden Midnight Meeting With Super PAC

8/5/2015 - Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

8/5/2015 - ‘Thigh Reading’ Trend Takes Hold On Social Media

8/5/2015 - Report: More Americans Turning To Louder Sources For Their News

8/4/2015 - Actual Problem A Nice Change Of Pace For Anxious Man

8/4/2015 - FDA Approves First 3D-Printed Drug

8/4/2015 - How Campaigns Spend Their Money

8/4/2015 - Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight

8/4/2015 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 4, 2015

8/4/2015 - I Want You To Know I’m Just Trying To Replace Your Mom

8/4/2015 - FDA Report Finds Food Prevents Hunger 98% Of Time When Properly Used

8/3/2015 - Hitchhiking Robot Destroyed On Cross-Country Trip

8/3/2015 - Hillary Clinton Runs First Presidential Campaign Ads

8/3/2015 - Bernie Sanders Clearly In Pocket Of High-Rolling Teacher Who Donated $300 To His Campaign

8/3/2015 - Details Of Obama’s Climate Change Plan

8/3/2015 - Alarming Study Finds 60% Of Americans Don’t Know Where Their Next Value Meal Going To Come From

8/3/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of August 3, 2015

8/3/2015 - Sun Burned

8/3/2015 - Google Street View Cars To Start Measuring Air Pollution

8/3/2015 - Humanity Still Producing New Art As Though Megadeth’s ‘Rust In Peace’ Doesn’t Already Exist

8/3/2015 - Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean