2/27/2015 - Study: Most Internet Users Won’t Stop Online Bullies

2/27/2015 - Newlywed Couple Looks So Deeply In Debt

2/27/2015 - Yankees Rookie Nervously Tells A-Rod How Much He Used To Hate Him As A Kid

2/27/2015 - Ikea CEO Wants New Desk On His Desk By End Of Day

2/27/2015 - You Don’t Know This Man’s Name Yet, But He’ll Be Over At 3 To Install Your Internet

2/27/2015 - Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

2/27/2015 - Toaster’s Crumb Tray Full Of Sprinkles

2/27/2015 - Notable Athlete Endorsement Deals

2/27/2015 - Why Are We Being Cut Out Of The Will?

2/26/2015 - Madonna Pulled Off Stage By Too-Tight Armani Matador Cape

2/26/2015 - KFC Introduces Edible Coffee Cups In The U.K.

2/26/2015 - Once-Loyal Enabler Betrays Man By Suggesting Therapy

2/26/2015 - Arne Duncan Spends Visit To Local Elementary School Looking At UFO Books In Library

2/26/2015 - 13-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy Accepted To Ohio State

2/26/2015 - Catching Up On 2 Seasons Of ‘House Of Cards’ Depressingly Manageable

2/26/2015 - Bench Players Given Some Time In First Quarter Of Game Against Knicks

2/26/2015 - Authorities Demolish Capitol Building That Was Site Of Gruesome 113th Congressional Session

2/26/2015 - Study: Boyfriends Who Aren’t Speaking Are Thinking About Ending Relationship 90% Of Time

2/26/2015 - U.K. To Allow 3-Parent Babies

2/26/2015 - Report: Only 40% Of Celebrities End Up Marrying Their Stalkers

2/26/2015 - Bouncer Instructed Not To Let People Like Himself In

2/26/2015 - Closed Captioning Accuracy Drops To 14% During ‘Inside The NBA’

2/25/2015 - Report: Jurors Who Saw ‘American Sniper’ Were Still Picked For Chris Kyle Murder Trial

2/25/2015 - WWE Accused Of Paying Female Wrestlers Less

2/25/2015 - Keystone Veto Buys Environment At Least 3 Or 4 More Hours

2/25/2015 - ‘Miracle On Ice’ Players Wondering If They Can Reunite Somewhere Other Than Lake Placid

2/25/2015 - Long-Silent Facebook Friend Comes Out Of Woodwork With Post Asking About Insulating Windows

2/25/2015 - Do You Believe The Parents Of Obese Children Should Be Fined?

2/25/2015 - Winston Churchill’s Blood Up For Auction

2/25/2015 - If I End Up On Life Support, My Family Knows The Type Of Long, Protracted Legal Battle I Would Want

2/25/2015 - Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

2/24/2015 - Jameis Winston Doesn’t Rule Out Playing Baseball In Prison

2/24/2015 - Study: Gerbils Were Actual Cause Of Black Plague

2/24/2015 - Raytheon CEO Sends Obama Another Article About Mounting Unrest In Libya

2/24/2015 - Starbucks To End CD Sales

2/24/2015 - College Freshman From Florida Has Never Seen People Complain About Snow For 5 Months Before

2/24/2015 - Death Row Inmate Dies Of Natural Causes 3 Days Into Execution

2/24/2015 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 24, 2015

2/24/2015 - Mom Could Have Used Few More Days To Self Before Missing Daughter Returned

2/23/2015 - Bellicose Contingent Of Seventh-Graders Want To Play Tackle

2/23/2015 - Person Who Clearly Hasn’t Seen ‘The Fifth Element’ Arguing There No Good Roles For Women

2/23/2015 - Busy Woman Keeps Best-Dressed Oscar Slideshow Tab Open To Be Savored As Sumptuous Feast At Her Leisure

2/23/2015 - Joan Rivers Excluded From Oscars ‘In Memoriam’ Segment

2/23/2015 - Mattel Making Over Barbie With Racial Diversity, Tech Features

2/23/2015 - Friend Working At Milwaukee History Museum Could Probably Get You In For Free

2/23/2015 - Luxury-Craving Nation Confidently Squandering Income At Pre-2008 Levels

2/23/2015 - Departing Employee Not Quite Important Enough For Send-Off

2/23/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 23, 2015

2/23/2015 - Wicked Cool

2/23/2015 - Experts: Eggs No Longer Considered Health Risk

2/22/2015 - No One Sure If Academy Awards After-Party Going To Have Food

2/22/2015 - Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

2/22/2015 - Dolby Theatre Hunchback Stares Longingly At Beautiful Guests From Rafters

2/22/2015 - Hollywood's Biggest Stars Endure Long Lines At Oscars Security Screening

2/20/2015 - ‘You Are Not Your Job,’ Obama Reminds Himself Throughout Shower

2/20/2015 - Walmart Raising Wages

2/20/2015 - Is This Ivy League Dropout And Tech Entrepreneur The Current Mark Zuckerberg?

2/20/2015 - Trendy Restaurant Has Communal Napkin

2/20/2015 - 76ers Afraid To Kick Bunch Of Tough-Looking Guys Off Practice Court

2/20/2015 - Badly Damaged Race Car Carried Off Track On Stretcher

2/20/2015 - Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

2/20/2015 - Oklahoma Votes To Ban AP U.S. History

2/20/2015 - Hotel Now Charging Patrons For Looking At Items In Minibar

2/19/2015 - Obama’s Plan For Fighting Extremism

2/19/2015 - New Gym Member Lingers By Free Weights For Several Seconds Before Returning To Elliptical Machine

2/19/2015 - Little Caesars Introduces Bacon Crust Pizza

2/19/2015 - How To Spice Up The Romantic Wedding Moments Every Bride Shares With Her Father

2/19/2015 - The Onion Film Standard's Oscars Special

2/19/2015 - New Education Initiative Replaces K-12 Curriculum With Single Standardized Test

2/19/2015 - Report: Majority Of Mothers Would Drop Kids Off At Warehouse Called ‘Fun Zone’ For Hour Of Free Time, No Questions Asked

2/19/2015 - Least Successful Parenting Blogs

2/19/2015 - Man Illegally Streaming Game Fends Off Pop-Up Ads With Surgical Precision

2/19/2015 - Report: Uber Adding ‘Panic Button’ For Chicago Passengers

2/18/2015 - Mattel To Remake Barbie With More Diversity, Voice Box

2/18/2015 - Inside The $125,000 Oscar Gift Bag

2/18/2015 - Barbara Bush Reverses Stance On ‘Enough Bushes’ In White House

2/18/2015 - Tim Duncan Raving About Health Benefits Of Standing Bench

2/18/2015 - Police Release Haircut-Progressed Photo Of Missing Woman

2/18/2015 - Guy Washing Hands For Full 5 Seconds Like He’s Going Into Surgery

2/18/2015 - Archaeologists Uncover Greek Amphitheater Where First Prick Saved Seats

2/17/2015 - Met Museum Bans ‘Selfie Sticks’

2/17/2015 - Complete Fucking Idiot Considers Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov Russia’s Most Inventive Orchestrator

2/17/2015 - How About We Go Outside And Settle This Like Emotionally Stunted Men?

2/17/2015 - Outgoing Obama Aide: My Biggest Failure Was Not Releasing Government UFO Files

2/17/2015 - This Week On Today Now!

2/17/2015 - Welcome to The Family (WTF!)

2/17/2015 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 17, 2015

2/17/2015 - New NFL Combine Drill Places Player Alone In Room With Woman

2/17/2015 - Lucrative New Oil Extraction Method Involves Drilling Directly Into Gas Stations

2/17/2015 - Man’s Neuroses Really Putting Genuine Compliment Through The Wringer

2/17/2015 - New Study Finds Therapy, Antidepressants Equally Effective At Monetizing Depression

2/17/2015 - Grandchild, Grandfather Equally Dreading Collaboration For School Interview Project

2/16/2015 - Do You Believe Brian Williams Should Resign?

2/16/2015 - Features Of The Apple Car

2/16/2015 - Study: Dogs Can Read Happy, Angry Faces

2/16/2015 - Painful Procedural

2/16/2015 - Local Teen Would Choose Gun With Night Vision Laser Scope If He Joined Army

2/16/2015 - Otherwise Reasonable Man Sincerely Believes U.S. Landed On Moon

2/16/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 16, 2015

2/16/2015 - Missed H.O.R.S.E. Shots Getting Increasingly Ambitious

2/16/2015 - Officials Urge Americans To Sort Plastics, Glass Into Separate Oceans

2/16/2015 - Behind The Menu, Ep. 2

2/14/2015 - Romantic Boyfriend Surprises Girlfriend With Valentine’s Day Love Labyrinth

2/13/2015 - Name On Valentine Misspelled

2/13/2015 - Facebook Lets User Choose Who Controls Their Account After Death

2/13/2015 - Disney Rebooting ‘Indiana Jones’: What To Look Forward To

2/13/2015 - Corporation Surprised To See Its Tax Money Circle Back Around To It So Soon

2/13/2015 - Being On Volleyball Team Accounts For 97% Of High School Sophomore’s Identity

2/13/2015 - Brian Williams Retreats To Mountainside Hut To Meditate On Fickle Nature Of Truth

2/13/2015 - SeaWorld Debuts New Controversial Orca Whale Burlesque Show

2/13/2015 - Benadryl Introduces New Non-Drowsy Allergy Dart

2/13/2015 - Man Basks In Triumphant Glory After Purchases Line Up To Exact Value Of Gift Card

2/12/2015 - Study: Settling For Adequate Partner Better Than Waiting For Soulmate

2/12/2015 - Day Chalked Up As Loss By 10:15 A.M.

2/12/2015 - Montana Lawmaker Proposes Banning Yoga Pants

2/12/2015 - Hit-And-Run Driver Kills Prominent Member Of Deer Community

2/12/2015 - How Are We Ruining Valentine's Day?

2/12/2015 - Man’s Food Poisoning Could Realistically Be Traced Back To Any Meal From Past Week

2/12/2015 - The Onion Reviews 'Fifty Shades Of Grey'

2/12/2015 - Report: Anti-Vaxxer Parents Considering Throwing ‘Measles Parties’

2/12/2015 - Florida Resort Allows Guests To Swim With Miami Dolphins

2/12/2015 - Last-Ever Baseball Fan Born

2/12/2015 - Mom Reports That Hometown Actually Has A Lot Going On Now

2/11/2015 - Brian Williams Suspended For 6 Months Without Pay

2/11/2015 - Gay Marriage State By State

2/11/2015 - Man Must Be Living With Roommates By Choice At This Point

2/11/2015 - Last Line Of Obama’s Military Force Request Briefly Mentions Possibility Of 25-Year Quagmire

2/11/2015 - Scientists Working To Harness Energy Produced By Intense Fracking Debates

2/11/2015 - eBay Shopper Struggling To Narrow Down Vast Selection Of Available Super Bowl Rings

2/11/2015 - Labor Secretary Horrified To Learn Some Americans Working Jobs They Do Not Truly Enjoy

2/11/2015 - Astronomers Discover New Planet That Really Makes Earth Look Like Shit

2/11/2015 - Japan To Open World’s First Robot-Run Hotel

2/11/2015 - ‘Invisible Airwaves Crackle With Life,’ Reports Geddy Lee From Man’s Detached Earbud

2/10/2015 - Qdoba Offering Free-Burrito-For-A-Kiss Promotion On Valentine’s Day

2/10/2015 - Man Surprised To Learn High School Classmate Became Completely Different Type Of Fuckup

2/10/2015 - Report: Charles Manson’s Fiancée Was Using Him For Corpse

2/10/2015 - Dubai Unveils Plans For World’s Largest Human Rights Violation

2/10/2015 - Literary Study Finds All Modern Narratives Derived From Classic ‘Alien Vs. Predator’ Conflict

2/10/2015 - 25-Year-Old Goes On Raucous Immunization Binge On Night Before Losing Parents' Health Insurance

2/10/2015 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 10, 2015

2/10/2015 - Area Woman Not Good Enough Artist To Justify Eccentricities

2/10/2015 - You Will Be My Everything

2/10/2015 - Conspiracy Theorist Starting To Think Racism May Be Institutionalized In America

2/9/2015 - Man Would Rather Annoy Small Group Of Friends Than Bunch Of Strangers At Party

2/9/2015 - Gay Alabama Couple Always Dreamed Of Getting Married Surrounded By Hostility

2/9/2015 - Beck Wikipedia Page ‘Hacked’ After He Beats Beyoncé At Grammys

2/9/2015 - How Powerball Works

2/9/2015 - Wave Of Dread Makes Rare Daytime Appearance

2/9/2015 - Man’s Ironclad Grasp Of Issue Can Withstand 2 Follow-Up Questions

2/9/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 9, 2015

2/9/2015 - Do You Believe The Government Should Require Parents To Vaccinate Their Kids?

2/9/2015 - Study: Singles Who Use Emojis Have More Sex

2/9/2015 - Downward Dogged

2/9/2015 - Behind The Menu, Ep. 1

2/9/2015 - New Premium Uber Service Lets Users Commandeer Any Car

2/8/2015 - Teen Crafting Marketable Persona In Garage Hoping To One Day Win Grammy

2/8/2015 - Local Los Angeles Awards Show Slated To Open For Grammys

2/8/2015 - Phil Spector Joins Jennifer Hudson To Present 'Best New Artist' Grammy

2/6/2015 - Harvard Bans Professors From Having Sex With Students

2/6/2015 - Resilient Tom Brady Critics Already Looking Ahead To Next Season

2/6/2015 - Timeline: The Collapse Of RadioShack

2/6/2015 - Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back

2/6/2015 - Report: Mom Has Plan For Tub Of Whipped Cream In Fridge

2/6/2015 - Mathematical Skill Downplayed To Get Out Of Splitting Check

2/6/2015 - Man Who Will Pay $60,000 In Medical Bills This Year Can't Afford Health Insurance Right Now

2/6/2015 - Our Accountant Said We Could Write Off This Dehumidifier If We Put It On The Cover

2/6/2015 - Superman Gets New Power, ‘Solar Flare’

2/5/2015 - Airlines Offering Complimentary In-Flight College Courses

2/5/2015 - Delivery Room Nurse Tired Of Taking Shit From Richard Sherman

2/5/2015 - Media Scandals Over The Years

2/5/2015 - GOP Builds Full-Scale Replica Of Struggling Ohio Town To Train Presidential Hopefuls

2/5/2015 - Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees

2/5/2015 - New Study Finds Majority Of God’s Blessings Burn Up On Entry Into Atmosphere

2/5/2015 - Welcome to The Family (WTF!) Casting Call

2/5/2015 - Discovery Of Neolithic Gift Shop Suggests Stonehenge Always Meant As Tourist Attraction

2/5/2015 - Parenting Expert Has Nerve To Tell You How To Raise Your Own Goddamn Kids

2/5/2015 - U.S. Mint Introduces New Double-Stuf Quarters

2/5/2015 - Why Are We Dropping Our Class?

2/5/2015 - Therapy Kangaroo Kicked Out Of McDonald’s

2/4/2015 - One Intern Way Older

2/4/2015 - What The Average American Spends On Valentine’s Day

2/4/2015 - New England Fans: ‘We Don’t Deserve This’

2/4/2015 - Harper Lee To Publish ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ Sequel

2/4/2015 - Pope Nervous For Annual Performance Review With God

2/4/2015 - Nick Saban Returns From 2-Year Recruiting Expedition With 94 Blue-Chip Players

2/4/2015 - At Least It’s Been A While Since Story About Somebody Eating Somebody Else, Reports Violence-Weary Nation

2/4/2015 - New Smartphone Dating App ‘The League’ Matches Elite Professional Singles

2/4/2015 - Jewelry Company Jumps Gun With Engagement Ring Commercial Featuring Polyamorous Triad

2/4/2015 - Snow Shoveling Tips

2/3/2015 - Venus Added To Registry Of Historically Significant Planets

2/3/2015 - Nation Prepares For Long Week Of Seeing Photos Of Tom Brady Lifting Super Bowl Trophy

2/3/2015 - Sometimes I Feel Like Things Would Be Better Off If I Never Existed

2/3/2015 - Man Under Mistaken Impression He His Own Harshest Critic

2/3/2015 - California May Raise Smoking Age From 18 To 21

2/3/2015 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 3, 2015

2/3/2015 - Woman Has Few Enough Friends To Consider Confiding In Sister

2/3/2015 - Man Wistfully Looks Around Website He Hasn’t Visited For 30 Minutes

2/3/2015 - Helpful Waitress Asks Recently Seated Couple If They’ve Eaten Food Before

2/2/2015 - Neighbors Come Together To Watch BMW Owner Struggle In Snow

2/2/2015 - Chris Christie On Vaccines: Parents Should Have ‘Measure Of Choice’

2/2/2015 - Super Bowl XLIX Highlights

2/2/2015 - By The Dawn's Early Bite

2/2/2015 - Should Limits Be Placed On Political Campaign Spending?

2/2/2015 - Man Brings Lunch From Home To Cut Down On Small Joys

2/2/2015 - God: ‘Fuck Russell Wilson’

2/2/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 2, 2015

2/2/2015 - Study Links Binge-Watching TV To Depression

2/2/2015 - Pregame Foolishly Squandered On Actually Planning Out Evening

2/2/2015 - Smart Shopper Only Purchases Items With ‘Quality’ On The Label

2/1/2015 - Patriots Super Bowl Win Provides Storybook Ending To NFL Credibility

2/1/2015 - Bill Belichick Credits Victory To His God

2/1/2015 - Fingerprints On Lombardi Trophy To Be Used In Dozens Of Criminal Investigations

2/1/2015 - Emotional Bill Belichick Wipes Away Tar Streaming From Eyes After Super Bowl

2/1/2015 - Puppy Bowl Overshadowed By League’s Rampant Heartworm Pill Abuse

2/1/2015 - ‘The NFL Is Deeply Concerned About Domestic Violence,’ Thinks Local Moron

2/1/2015 - Friend Shows Up To Super Bowl Party Wearing Eagles Jersey For Some Reason

2/1/2015 - Responsible Gambler Builds Diverse Portfolio Of Super Bowl Prop Bets

2/1/2015 - Bar Patron Can’t Believe He’s Partying With Rob Gronkowski 15 Minutes Before Kickoff

2/1/2015 - Giant American Flag Draped Over Entire Stadium During National Anthem