7/31/2015 - Area Man, Woman Each Have Thorough List Of Why They Should Break Up On Standby

7/31/2015 - Officials: Plane Wreckage Likely MH370

7/31/2015 - Worker Who Forgot Email Attachment Expects Coworkers To Forgive Her Just Like That

7/31/2015 - Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

7/31/2015 - Snack That Resided In Empty Vending Machine Slot Must Have Been Delicious

7/31/2015 - Anti-MDMA Campaign Warns Teens About Dangers Of Feeling More Connected To Others

7/31/2015 - First Female NFL Coach Hired

7/31/2015 - Stunning Underwater Coverage Of PGA Event Provided By Goodyear Submarine

7/31/2015 - Fan Bravely Ventures To Other Side Of Stadium In Search Of Better Food Options

7/31/2015 - How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

7/30/2015 - Washington, D.C. Sinking Into Sea

7/30/2015 - Report: Rising Disney World Ticket Costs Prompting Many Parents To Leave Children At Home

7/30/2015 - Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

7/30/2015 - Jim Harbaugh Spends Day Testing Every Single Seat View In Michigan Stadium

7/30/2015 - Black Man Bids Tearful Goodbye To Family Before Daily Commute

7/30/2015 - Company Flat-Out Asks Female Candidate How Much Mileage They Can Get Out Of Her Before She Has Baby

7/30/2015 - Onion Explains: The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

7/30/2015 - Parents, Baby, Godmother All Uncomfortable With Arrangement

7/30/2015 - Twitter Deleting Stolen Jokes

7/30/2015 - Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

7/29/2015 - American Regrets Role In Killing Famous Lion

7/29/2015 - Bloated Obama Delivers Press Conference From Couch Behind Podium

7/29/2015 - Matt Damon Loses $500 To Guy Who Promised Professional-Looking Headshots

7/29/2015 - Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

7/29/2015 - NFL Enacts New Rules In Wake Of Deflategate

7/29/2015 - Relationship At Point Where Woman Has To Learn Boyfriend’s Family’s Weird Card Games

7/29/2015 - Campaign Consultant Presents Scott Walker Several Human Sides To Choose From

7/29/2015 - Tips For Traveling With Young Children

7/29/2015 - Area Man Still Talking About Crazy Productive Afternoon 4 Months Ago

7/28/2015 - Boston Pulls Bid For 2024 Olympics

7/28/2015 - What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

7/28/2015 - Woman Relieved Soulmate Turned Out To Be In Same Socioeconomic Bracket

7/28/2015 - Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

7/28/2015 - Overcrowded GOP Field Forces Iowa To Construct Massive Town Hall Stadium

7/28/2015 - ‘Some Of This Is Probably Water,’ Man In Stadium Bathroom Hopes

7/28/2015 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 28, 2015

7/28/2015 - I’d Like To See The Government Try And Take Away My Trash

7/28/2015 - JFK International Airport Plans $48 Million Animal Facility

7/28/2015 - The Life And Works Of Dr. Seuss

7/27/2015 - Boy Scouts To Lift Ban On Gay Leaders

7/27/2015 - Airbnb Vs. Hotels

7/27/2015 - GOP Candidates Offered Cash Voucher To Give Up Spot And Participate In Later Election

7/27/2015 - Tour De France Won By Rowdy, Tattooed Biker From Harley Davidson Team

7/27/2015 - Honest Wedding Website Admits There Jack Shit For Guests To Do While In Town

7/27/2015 - World’s 22,000 Polar Bears Forced To Share Last Remaining Iceberg

7/27/2015 - Bing Removing Revenge Porn

7/27/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of July 27, 2015

7/27/2015 - The Rat In The High Hat

7/27/2015 - Study: Those Who Go To College Earn More Degrees Over Lifetime Than Those Who Do Not

7/24/2015 - Exercise Might Help Treat Alzheimer’s

7/24/2015 - Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

7/24/2015 - Who Killed The Little Rascals?

7/24/2015 - Red Cross Installs Blood Drop-Off Bins For Donors’ Convenience

7/24/2015 - Frustrated Man Doesn’t Know What Else He Can Do To Get Cat Purring

7/24/2015 - Scientists Warn Planet Cannot Support Growing Gronkowski Population

7/24/2015 - Oldest Quran Fragments Found In U.K.

7/24/2015 - Fan Has List Of Dream Marketers He’d Love To See Handle Next Spider-Man Film

7/24/2015 - Woman Quickly Cycles Through Non-Threatening Voice Inflections Before Expressing Concern

7/23/2015 - Do You Know Why I’m Pulling You Over, Being Wildly Aggressive, And Charging You With Assault Today, Sir?

7/23/2015 - Bicyclists Begin Formalwear Stage Of Tour De France

7/23/2015 - Armadillos Possible Cause Of Leprosy Outbreak

7/23/2015 - Revelations From Trump’s Financial Documents

7/23/2015 - Ticketed Motorist Pointing Finger Just The Green Light Cop Needed

7/23/2015 - Onion Explains: Putin’s Russia

7/23/2015 - Longtime Science Textbook Retires After 40 Years In Public School System

7/23/2015 - Sexist Men Found To Be Bigger Losers

7/23/2015 - Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

7/23/2015 - Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

7/23/2015 - This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

7/22/2015 - Strongside/Weakside: Clint Dempsey

7/22/2015 - Mosquitoes Use Complex Tactics To Seek Human Prey

7/22/2015 - Report: Airlines Installing Uncomfortable Bumps In Seatbacks Because It Pleases Them

7/22/2015 - 43-Year-Old Figured He Would’ve Grown Out Of Waving To Self On Security Cameras By Now

7/22/2015 - Local Swingers Not Going To Drive Out To Goddamn Oakdale

7/22/2015 - What’s Next For U.S.-Cuban Relations

7/22/2015 - 4 Hours Scrolling Through Facebook Before Bed Referred To As ‘Winding Down’

7/22/2015 - Seaweed That Tastes Like Bacon Could Help Environment

7/21/2015 - FIFA Retires Sepp Blatter’s Routing Number

7/21/2015 - Admit It: You People Want To See How Far This Goes, Don’t You?

7/21/2015 - Long John Silver’s Introduces New Golden Fried Abomination From The Deep

7/21/2015 - Woman Assaulted By Celebrity Just Needs To Sit Tight For 40 Years Until Dozens More Women Corroborate Story

7/21/2015 - Ashley Madison Website Hacked

7/21/2015 - Billcosby.com Now Somehow Most Eerie Site On Entire Internet

7/21/2015 - Heritage Foundation Lowers Another Retired GOP Senator Into Vat Of Strategists

7/21/2015 - Dixie Donates $5 Million In Clean Drinking Cups To Drought-Ravaged Southern Africa

7/21/2015 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 21, 2015

7/21/2015 - Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

7/21/2015 - Study: Cannabis Helps Heal Broken Bones

7/21/2015 - College Residence Office Gets Kick Out Of Pairing Up Few Roommates Who Will Fucking Hate Each Other

7/21/2015 - Blogger Takes Few Moments Every Morning To Decide Whether To Feel Outraged, Incensed, Or Shocked By Day’s News

7/20/2015 - U.S. Embassy Reopens In Cuba After 54 Years

7/20/2015 - If You Want To Date My Daughter, You’re Going To Have To Date Me First

7/20/2015 - Word ‘Millennials’ Forced Into Headline To Boost Pageviews

7/20/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of July 19, 2015

7/20/2015 - Nephew Surprised By How Much Bigger Aunt Has Gotten Since Last Year

7/20/2015 - Winchester Unveils New 9MM Stray Bullet Guaranteed To Hit Innocent Bystanders

7/20/2015 - Flagged For Removal

7/20/2015 - Linguists Restore Pride In ‘Hillbilly’ Dialect

7/17/2015 - Anthropologists Unearth Possible Missing Link Between A- And B-List Celebrities

7/17/2015 - Black-Backed Jackals Seek Asylum In Wildlife Preserve As Preventative Measure

7/17/2015 - Google’s Self-Driving Car Linked To First Collision Injury

7/17/2015 - Man Sadly Realizes Cramped One-Bedroom Apartment Has Enough Space To Host Party With All His Friends

7/17/2015 - Child’s Description Of Heaven During Near-Death Experience Specifically Mentions Book Deal

7/17/2015 - Fresca Quietly Takes Control Of 18-34 Demographic In Daring Overnight Raid

7/17/2015 - Home Run Ball Travels 3,000 Miles To Birthplace At Rawlings Factory

7/17/2015 - Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency

7/17/2015 - Former Auschwitz Guard Sentenced To 4 Years In Prison

7/16/2015 - World’s Oldest Sperm Discovered

7/16/2015 - Nissin Introduces Extra-Large Drum Noodles

7/16/2015 - Report: Murderer Who Escaped In 1996 Remains Most Successful Case Of Prisoner Reintegration

7/16/2015 - Toddler Unsettled By Whatever Possessed Her To Bite Friend’s Face

7/16/2015 - Commerce Secretary Urges Nation To Get In On Piece Of The Action

7/16/2015 - Tips For Cheaper Airfare

7/16/2015 - Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris

7/16/2015 - Astronomers Just Going To Go Ahead And Say Dark Matter Nitrogen

7/16/2015 - Determined Tour De France Biker Finishes Stage With Opponent Stuck In Spokes

7/16/2015 - Onion Explains: The Rise Of China

7/16/2015 - FDA Delays Calorie Counts On Menus Until 2016

7/15/2015 - New OmniGrain Cheerios Made With Every Existing Grain On Earth

7/15/2015 - Climate Change Causing Bumblebee Die-Off

7/15/2015 - Parents Dedicate New College Safe Space In Honor Of Daughter Who Felt Weird In Class Once

7/15/2015 - Disneyland Turns 60: A Look Back

7/15/2015 - Groceries Strategically Placed Around Checkout Conveyor Belt’s Wet Spots

7/15/2015 - Hungover Man Horrified To Learn He Made Dozens Of Plans Last Night

7/15/2015 - New Airline Seats Would Place Passengers Face-To-Face

7/14/2015 - Federal League Once Again Snubbed By MLB All-Star Game

7/14/2015 - Walmart Announces Sales To Rival Amazon Prime Day

7/14/2015 - What We’ve Learned About Pluto

7/14/2015 - U.S. Soothes Upset Netanyahu With Shipment Of Ballistic Missiles

7/14/2015 - The Case For And Against The Iranian Nuclear Deal

7/14/2015 - Harper Lee Announces Third Novel, ‘My Excellent Caretaker Deserves My Entire Fortune’

7/14/2015 - I Will Drink Every Last Drop Of Water On Earth

7/14/2015 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 14, 2015

7/14/2015 - CDC: Cuddling Chickens Leads To Salmonella

7/14/2015 - Palestinian Man Marvels At How Much Childhood Refugee Camp Has Changed

7/14/2015 - Report: Mom Would Rather Sit Here And Watch You Guys Have Fun

7/13/2015 - Prison Warden Vows To Take Away El Chapo’s Tunnel Privileges If Captured

7/13/2015 - Mexican Drug Lord Escapes Prison

7/13/2015 - Hillary Clinton Suspended 3 Weeks By FEC For Spitting On Volunteer

7/13/2015 - Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

7/13/2015 - Sucker Fans

7/13/2015 - Candidate Profile: Scott Walker

7/13/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of July 13, 2015

7/13/2015 - Trip To Office Kitchen Hastily Altered To Trip To Bathroom To Evade Despised Coworker

7/13/2015 - Study: ‘Real’ Vampires Deserve Proper Treatment

7/10/2015 - Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

7/10/2015 - Large-Scale Government Data Breach Affects 21 Million

7/10/2015 - Doctor Makes Half-Hearted Alternative Suggestions Before Handing Over Drugs

7/10/2015 - Study: Mammograms Less Effective Than Previously Thought

7/10/2015 - Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

7/9/2015 - Report: Nation’s Ditches Overflowing With Children Of Worried Parents

7/9/2015 - Pope Francis Grills Burgers On Balcony Of St. Peter’s Basilica

7/9/2015 - South Carolina Votes To Remove Confederate Flag

7/9/2015 - How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

7/9/2015 - Area Man’s Favorite Things All Types Of Meat

7/9/2015 - 55-Year-Old Guy Dominating YMCA Pickup Basketball Game

7/9/2015 - Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

7/9/2015 - Breaking: Flight Attendant Currently Attempting To Pass Cup Of Cranberry Juice Over Your Laptop

7/9/2015 - Heroin Use On Rise In U.S.

7/8/2015 - Informal Tone Of Cover Letter Sets Job Applicant Apart From Seriously Considered Candidates

7/8/2015 - The Pros And Cons Of Flying The Confederate Flag

7/8/2015 - Russian Police Advocate ‘Safe Selfies’

7/8/2015 - Making The Most Of Your Summer Camp Experience

7/8/2015 - Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

7/8/2015 - Box With Cooking Instructions Immediately Retrieved From Trash

7/8/2015 - Study: Majority Of Baseball Games Between Twins, A’s

7/8/2015 - Researchers: People Age At Different Rates

7/7/2015 - How Greece Can Solve Its Debt Crisis

7/7/2015 - Bankers Fired Over Fake ISIS Beheading Video

7/7/2015 - ZZ Top Reveals Meaning Behind Classic Song ‘Legs’

7/7/2015 - Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

7/7/2015 - Comic-Con Survival Guide

7/7/2015 - New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

7/6/2015 - Man Desperately Trying To Wring Every Last Ounce Of Relaxation From Final Day Of Vacation

7/6/2015 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

7/6/2015 - Grateful Dead Farewell Tour Draws Record Crowd

7/6/2015 - Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

7/6/2015 - U.S. Wins Women’s World Cup

7/6/2015 - Trump Tells Iowa Dairy Farmers He Has Cows 500 Times Bigger Than Theirs

7/6/2015 - Authorities Warn Away Fans At Dodger Stadium To Always Wear Team-Neutral Body Armor

7/6/2015 - Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

7/6/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of July 6, 2015

7/6/2015 - Stars And Snipes

7/6/2015 - Report: One In Three Americans Will Get Dessert If Someone Else Does

7/1/2015 - ‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

7/1/2015 - Female Friend Group Fails In One Duty Of Providing Good Gynecologist Recommendation

7/1/2015 - Scientists Find Human Vocal Cords Developed Over Millennia To Lower Voice When Speculating On Acquaintance’s Sexual Orientation

7/1/2015 - Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar