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2015 March
3/31/2015 - Man Thinking About Just Packing Up And Making Exact Same Mistakes Someplace Far Away
3/31/2015 - Study: Amount Of Time Spent With Kids Doesn’t Matter
3/31/2015 - Crusted Ring Around NyQuil Bottle Top Coming Along Nicely
3/31/2015 - Can Anyone Truly Be Said To ‘Own’ The Complete James Bond Collection?
3/31/2015 - Avoiding Popular Songs Somehow Accomplishment For Local Man
3/31/2015 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 31, 2015
3/31/2015 - Totally Unknown Guy Strolling Around Your Part Of Office For Some Reason
3/31/2015 - Cost-Cutting Measures Force Company To Start Hiring More Female Employees
3/31/2015 - Report: Bill Clinton Gave Romney Debate Advice For Beating Obama
3/30/2015 - Man Torn Between Boycotting Indiana, Visiting Evansville Zoo
3/30/2015 - NYC Tourists Incite Outrage By Taking ‘Selfies’ At East Village Blast Site
3/30/2015 - Indiana Governor Insists New Law Has Nothing To Do With Thing It Explicitly Intended To Do
3/30/2015 - Rehabilitated Otter Released Back Into Food Chain
3/30/2015 - Screwing America
3/30/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 30, 2015
3/30/2015 - Campus Tour Guide Just Needs To Make Stop To Change Out Laundry Really Quick
3/30/2015 - Study: Women Who Sleep Longer Have More Sex
3/30/2015 - Man Thinks Going To Vegas For Things Other Than Gambling Somehow Less Sad
3/27/2015 - McDonald’s Debuts Big Mac Clothing Line
3/27/2015 - New York Introduces Shoe-Sharing Program For City’s Pedestrians
3/27/2015 - Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting
3/27/2015 - Troubling Report Finds Dreamily Sliding Down Back Of Door After Kissing Date On Porch Plummets 78%
3/27/2015 - The Pros And Cons Of Paying College Athletes
3/27/2015 - Study Finds Growing Number Of Americans Would Be Comfortable With Female Pep Boy
3/27/2015 - College Newspaper Staff Know Exactly How They Would Respond If Editorial Freedom Challenged
3/27/2015 - Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low
3/27/2015 - 10 Animals You Could Go Out And Kill Right Now
3/26/2015 - Greatest Undefeated Seasons In Sports History
3/26/2015 - Nude, Ash-Streaked Dick Vitale Proclaims This What March Madness All About
3/26/2015 - Parents Let Kids Play On Vietnam War Memorial
3/26/2015 - Congressman Knows Regular Lobbyist’s Order Without Even Having To Be Told
3/26/2015 - Senior Citizen Keeps Mind Active By Contemplating Death
3/26/2015 - Remington Debuts New Split Barrel Murder-Suicide Shotgun
3/26/2015 - Master Architect Constructs Most Structurally Innovative Pile Of Dirty Dishes To Date
3/26/2015 - Man Who Baked Banana Bread Spends Entire Party Anxiously Watching It Go Uneaten
3/26/2015 - How Are We Failing Our Driving Test?
3/26/2015 - New Healthier Menu Features Food Wendy’s Customers Bring From Home
3/26/2015 - New Facebook ‘On This Day’ Feature Unearths Photos From Past
3/25/2015 - Dallas Cowboys Honored For Helping Reintegrate Criminals Back Into NFL
3/25/2015 - Conservationists Attempting To Get Head Start On Mars
3/25/2015 - Catholic High School Insists On Pre-Approving Prom Dresses
3/25/2015 - Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect
3/25/2015 - Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic
3/25/2015 - Pigeon’s Route Accommodated
3/25/2015 - Mom Scanning Menu Finds ‘Pan-Seared Diver Scallops’ Faster Than Speed Of Light
3/25/2015 - Gerrymandering Mishap Leaves Nation Without Any Borders Whatsoever
3/25/2015 - Gap CEO Hints At Vending Machines For Clothes
3/25/2015 - Grotesque, Misshapen Mass Of Raisins Slowly Forming Inside Bag Of Trail Mix
3/24/2015 - Darren Sharper Prison Sentence Proves One Specific Athlete Not Above The Law
3/24/2015 - Report: Students Had To Attend Ted Cruz Rally Or Face Fine
3/24/2015 - Should Schools Be Able To Discipline Students For Cyberbullying?
3/24/2015 - Nation’s Money Constantly Disgusted By What Americans Doing With It
3/24/2015 - How Michelin Rates Restaurants
3/24/2015 - Looking Back On My Life, I Guess My Biggest Regret Is Trying To Fight That Alligator 5 Minutes Ago
3/24/2015 - Guinness To Start Offering Calorie Counts
3/24/2015 - Everyone On Defense Team An Equally Matched Romantic Interest For Member Of Prosecution
3/24/2015 - Woman Who Teaches Special-Needs Children Killing It At Dinner Party
3/24/2015 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015
3/23/2015 - ‘Time’ Magazine Subscribers Brace For Inevitable Issue With Close-Up Of Ted Cruz’s Face
3/23/2015 - King Richard III Reburied 530 Years After Death
3/23/2015 - Ted Cruz Boldly Declares Nation Not Deserving Of Better Candidate
3/23/2015 - Who Is Ted Cruz?
3/23/2015 - Siblings Playing Tense Game Of Chicken To Decide Who Going To Care For Mom
3/23/2015 - Report: Employees Most Innovative When Brainstorming Dramatic Quitting Scenarios
3/23/2015 - Michelle Obama Renovates Van Buren Workout Room
3/23/2015 - Enemy Hair-itory
3/23/2015 - Study: Teens Change Clothes, Do Homework While Driving
3/23/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 23, 2015
3/23/2015 - Fewer NBA Players Choosing To Learn Unborn Child’s Position
3/23/2015 - Paragon Of Chivalrous Virtue Lets Date Have Last Mozzarella Stick
3/20/2015 - New Hampshire Legislators Kill Fourth-Graders’ Bill To Their Faces
3/20/2015 - Man Filled With Gratitude At Sight Of Other Customer In Nice Restaurant Wearing Jeans
3/20/2015 - Harnessing The Power Of Your Apartment’s Electricity
3/20/2015 - Report: Getting Massages At Airports Apparently Part Of Certain People’s Lives
3/20/2015 - Lego Magazine Offers Beauty Tips To Young Girls
3/20/2015 - Rick Pitino Likes What He’s Seeing From Freshman Louisville Cheerleader
3/20/2015 - Study: Not Many Disco Songs About Daytime
3/20/2015 - New Arrivals Consult Wise Couple Who Have Been At Resort For 3 Days Already
3/19/2015 - Controversial Corporate Responsibility Campaigns
3/19/2015 - Study: Breastfed Babies Earn More Money As Adults
3/19/2015 - Least Popular Spring Break Packages
3/19/2015 - World Wildlife Fund Announces New Breeding Program To Create Way More Squirrels Than Necessary
3/19/2015 - New Speech Recognition Software Factors In User’s Mouth Always Being Full
3/19/2015 - Man Returning From Vacation Settles On Single Concise Anecdote He’ll Tell Everyone Who Asks
3/19/2015 - Making The Most Of Your College Tour
3/19/2015 - Teams To Watch In The 2015 NCAA Tournament
3/19/2015 - Michael Dukakis Still Drives Old Tank Everywhere
3/19/2015 - Workers: McDonald’s Told Us To Put Mustard On Burns
3/18/2015 - Secret Service Asks For $8 Million To Build Fake White House For Training Agents
3/18/2015 - U.S. Worried About Living Up To Netanyahu Campaign Promises
3/18/2015 - NFL Launches New Campaign Warning Players About Long-Term Risks Of Retirement
3/18/2015 - Study Finds Majority Of Deaths Caused By Failure To Heed Omens
3/18/2015 - Annoying, Well-Adjusted Friend Even Fucking Meditating Now
3/18/2015 - Pete Rose Reinstatement Request Offers MLB Commissioner Lower Vig On Upcoming Emanuel Lopez-Carlos Padilla Fight
3/18/2015 - Progressive Company Pays Both Men And Women 78% Of What They Should Be Earning
3/18/2015 - SXSW Speaker: Silicon Valley Bubble Poised To Burst
3/18/2015 - Study: Support For Bill Of Rights Highest While Attempting To Talk Way Out Of Drunk Driving Arrest
3/18/2015 - Should We Abolish The SAT Exam?
3/17/2015 - Report: Coca-Cola Paid Experts To Say Soda Is A Healthy Snack
3/17/2015 - Ben Roethlisberger To Be Honored With Statute
3/17/2015 - You Might Be Wondering Why I’m Wearing A Cap Usually Reserved For Playing Baseball
3/17/2015 - Paleo Cookbook For Babies Raises Concerns
3/17/2015 - Man Has Carefully Calculated Timeline For Revealing Negative Personality Traits To New Girlfriend
3/17/2015 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 17, 2015
3/17/2015 - Scientists Discover Eating Serves Function Other Than Easing Anxiety
3/17/2015 - ‘What If No One Travels Anywhere Ever Again?’ Wonders Panicked Transportation Secretary
3/17/2015 - Cow Worried It Will Never Live Up To Father’s USDA Rating
3/16/2015 - Vatican Policymaking Once Again Manipulated By Powerful Second Commandment Rights Groups
3/16/2015 - ‘When I’m Acquitted, I’ll Murder Those Interviewers,’ Robert Durst Mutters While Still Wearing Microphone
3/16/2015 - Apple MacBook vs. Google Chromebook Pixel
3/16/2015 - NASA: California Has One Year Of Water Left
3/16/2015 - Older Prostitute Explains To Younger Prostitute Who Richard Belzer Is, What He Expects
3/16/2015 - Communist Block
3/16/2015 - Unhappy Couple Staying Together For One Of Their Children
3/16/2015 - Algebra Notebook Forced To Bear The Brunt Of Teen’s Song Lyrics
3/16/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 16, 2015
3/16/2015 - NFLPA Received Numerous Complaints From Free Agents Harassed By Cleveland Browns
3/16/2015 - Study: Men Who Are Nice To Women May Be ‘Benevolent Sexists’
3/15/2015 - BYU Fans Rush CBS Broadcasting Studio Following Upset Selection Into NCAA Tournament
3/13/2015 - Vin Diesel Puts On 35 Pounds Of Bone For Upcoming Role
3/13/2015 - Photographer Sparks Backlash For Wrapping Baby In American Flag
3/13/2015 - Peter King Realizes Fight With Wife Really About Disappointment In Raiders’ Offseason Moves
3/13/2015 - Unlikely Team Of Allies Unite To Take On Airport Gate Agent
3/13/2015 - Report: Texas Down To Last Lethal Injection Dose
3/13/2015 - Biden Worries Legalized Weed In D.C. Will Cut Into His Business
3/13/2015 - Man’s Bloodstream Enjoys Hour-Long Intermission Between Coffee, Alcohol Blitzes
3/13/2015 - Travel Issue: Cincinnati In Just 300 Days
3/12/2015 - High School Seniors Vote For Communism-Themed Prom
3/12/2015 - Fantasy Baseball Commissioner Plumbs Deepest Depths Of Friend Circle To Find 12th Participant
3/12/2015 - Texas Now Regretting Wasting Doses Of Pancuronium Bromide On Innocent Guys Back In 1997, 2000, 2004
3/12/2015 - Notable Moves In NFL Free Agency
3/12/2015 - Relieved Malia Obama Quietly Thanks Secret Service Agents For Taking Rap For Her
3/12/2015 - Wall Street Firm Develops New High-Speed Algorithm Capable Of Performing Over 10,000 Ethical Violations Per Second
3/12/2015 - Burger King Quietly Drops Soda From Kids’ Menu
3/12/2015 - The Onion Looks Back At 'The Sound Of Music'
3/12/2015 - High Schooler Promises To Have Man’s Impregnated Daughter Home By Midnight
3/12/2015 - Study Finds Swans Only Other Animals Who Mate For Few Years, Get Scared, End Things, Then Regret It
3/12/2015 - What Are We Expensing To The Company?
3/11/2015 - Fraternity Members To Undergo Racial Sensitivity Hazing
3/11/2015 - Commonly Overlooked Tax Credits
3/11/2015 - Facebook Removes ‘Feeling Fat’ From Status Update Options
3/11/2015 - Jim Boeheim Flanked By Somber Otto The Orange During Press Conference
3/11/2015 - Every Single NFL Player Traded, Retired, Signed, Cut, Re-Signed Over Past 24 Hours
3/11/2015 - New Evidence Suggests Last Ice Age Caused By Earth Floating Into Extremely Chilly Part Of Galaxy
3/11/2015 - New Free-Range Slaughterhouse Allows Livestock To Roam Freely On Killing Floor
3/11/2015 - Solar-Powered Plane Begins Flight Around Globe
3/11/2015 - Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert
3/10/2015 - As A Failure, I’ve Learned To Appreciate The Little Things In Life
3/10/2015 - Study: Parents Cause Narcissism In Children
3/10/2015 - Report: Whites More Likely To Be Named CEOs Than Equally Sociopathic Black Candidates
3/10/2015 - God Shoots Himself While Cleaning Gun
3/10/2015 - Study: 15% Of Boston Toddlers Drink Coffee
3/10/2015 - Should Companies Discontinue Unpaid Intern Fights?
3/10/2015 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015
3/10/2015 - Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget
3/10/2015 - Spring Break Safety Tips
3/10/2015 - Mitt Romney Still Thinking About Running For President In 2012
3/9/2015 - Nation’s 30 Fraudulent Voters March On Washington To Restore Voting Rights Act
3/9/2015 - Apple Fans Demand Other Products They Can Feel Directly Against Skin At All Times
3/9/2015 - Tim Cook: Apple Watch Will Make Driving Safer
3/9/2015 - How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting
3/9/2015 - Jumbled Nest Of Cords Makes Move To Third New Apartment
3/9/2015 - Man Suddenly Regretting Asking To Be Taken Seriously By Peers
3/9/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 9, 2015
3/9/2015 - Pinpoint Inaccuracy
3/9/2015 - Study: Female Orcas Take On Leadership Roles After Menopause
3/6/2015 - Producers Carefully Monitoring Buster Olney’s Question Count During Interview
3/6/2015 - Ringling Bros. To Phase Out Elephants
3/6/2015 - Pope Francis Recalls Starting Out At Some Real Shithole Churches
3/6/2015 - Walgreens To Begin Keeping Most Valuable Employees Behind Glass
3/6/2015 - Why Are We Deferring Our College Loans?
3/6/2015 - Passengers Feel Sorry For Flustered Toddler Traveling With Loud, Obnoxious Parents
3/6/2015 - Dad Receives Advance Intelligence On Visiting Son’s New Eyeliner
3/6/2015 - Court: Man Can’t Sue Applebee’s For Burning Self On Fajitas While Praying
3/5/2015 - NYC To Give Students Muslim Holy Days Off From School
3/5/2015 - Hockey Referee Comes Away From Faceoff Without Hand
3/5/2015 - Loyal Senator Still Lying Patiently In Spot Where Beloved Bill Died
3/5/2015 - Justice Department Calls On Ferguson To Align Level Of Institutional Racism With Rest Of Country
3/5/2015 - People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit
3/5/2015 - Wedding Planner Suggests Replacing Unsightly Groom
3/5/2015 - Courageous Man Overcomes Woman’s Body Language To Continue Hitting On Her
3/5/2015 - Report: Cavaliers Players Having Issues Gelling During Postgame Celebrations
3/5/2015 - Uber Launches Quarterly Print Magazine For Drivers
3/5/2015 - Frustrated Nation Calls For Updated Zip-Line Infrastructure
3/4/2015 - Tips For Living Longer
3/4/2015 - Report: Nazi Treasure Hunters Following More Realistic Retirement Plan Than 86% Of Country
3/4/2015 - Hillary Clinton Hints At Presidential Ambitions By Concealing Information From American People
3/4/2015 - Campaign Pushes For Woman On $20 Bill
3/4/2015 - Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results
3/4/2015 - Bulls Executives Sickened By Replays Of Derrick Rose Getting Drafted
3/4/2015 - Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial
3/4/2015 - Spanish Bar Only Hires Employees Over 50
3/3/2015 - DEA Warns Allowing Medical Marijuana May Lead To Stoned Rabbits
3/3/2015 - Chinese Citizens Kind Of Grateful To Not Have Access To All Of Internet
3/3/2015 - Netanyahu Doubles Down Against Obama With PowerPoint On Perils Of Affordable Care Act
3/3/2015 - You Heard The Hype, Now Try Our Hanging File Folders For Yourself
3/3/2015 - Man Going To Take Edge Off With Decades-Long Slide Into Alcoholism
3/3/2015 - IKEA Introduces Wireless Charging Furniture
3/3/2015 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 3, 2015
3/3/2015 - Boyfriend Plans Magical Evening Down To First Detail
3/3/2015 - Report: Middle East Quickly Running Out Of Land Area For Violence To Spill Over To
3/2/2015 - A Timeline Of U.S.-Israel Relations
3/2/2015 - Stolen Pearl Oscar Dress Revealed To Be Fake
3/2/2015 - Netanyahu Assures Critics He Still Has Utmost Respect For U.S. Money
3/2/2015 - Do You Believe That Obama Truly Loves America?
3/2/2015 - Final Frontiers
3/2/2015 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 2, 2015
3/2/2015 - Teacher Who Dedicates Life To Students Total Fucking Bitch
3/2/2015 - John Boehner Calls For National Guard To Deal With Illegal Immigrants Hiding In Mexico
3/2/2015 - Study: Feeding Infants Peanut Products Could Reduce Childhood Allergies
3/2/2015 - Report: ESPN Coverage Displays Clear Bias Toward Shitty Reporting
3/2/2015 - Man Anxiously Scanning Bar’s Reaction To Jukebox Selection
3/2/2015 - Report: Average Person Spends 18 Hours Standing At Bar Deciding What To Drink