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2016 October
10/31/2016 - Fun, Safe Trick-Or-Treating Alternatives
10/31/2016 - New Report Finds Voters Have No Idea How Outraged They Supposed To Be About Anything Anymore
10/31/2016 - Anthony Weiner Sends Apology Sext To Entire Clinton Campaign
10/31/2016 - FBI Investigating New Clinton Emails
10/31/2016 - Most Popular Halloween Costumes Of 2016
10/31/2016 - Nation Too Terrified To Look At What Trump’s Recent Rise In Polls Attributed To
10/31/2016 - West Virginia Leads Nation In Heart Attacks
10/31/2016 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 31, 2016
10/28/2016 - Cleveland Indians Rattled By Deafening Sound Of Wrigley Field Crowd’s Indigestion
10/28/2016 - Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein
10/28/2016 - Twitter Announces End Of Vine App
10/28/2016 - NBA Heads To Northeast Farms For Annual Basketball Picking
10/28/2016 - Anthropologists Discover Isolated Tribe Of Joyful Americans Living In Remote Village Untouched By 2016 Election
10/28/2016 - What Happens If Trump Refuses To Concede Election
10/28/2016 - New Voting Booths Lock Americans Inside For 45 Minutes So They Can Consider Decision Before Casting Ballot
10/28/2016 - HIV Evidence Debunks ‘Patient Zero’ Myth
10/28/2016 - A Primer On Pope Francis’ Views
10/27/2016 - Trump’s Star Vandalized On Hollywood Walk Of Fame
10/27/2016 - Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet
10/27/2016 - Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way
10/27/2016 - Psychologists Say It Perfectly Natural To Fantasize About Sandwiches Other Than One Currently In Hand
10/27/2016 - Lesser-Known Celebrity Contract Riders
10/27/2016 - Study: Small Lies Lead To Bigger Lies Over Time
10/26/2016 - White House Press Secretary Responds To Question About Rising Obamacare Premiums With Torrent Of Toxic Spray From Parotid Glands
10/26/2016 - Women Work 39 More Days Per Year Than Men
10/26/2016 - Wealthy Father Nervously Waits For Response After Sending Donations To Son’s Top College Choices
10/26/2016 - New Company Aims To Explore Intersection Of Technology, Other Thing
10/26/2016 - Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet
10/26/2016 - Bob Dylan Refusing To Accept Nobel Prize
10/26/2016 - How Restaurants Are Making Children’s Meals Healthier
10/25/2016 - Cleveland Changes Lights On Abandoned Manufacturing Plants To Red In Support Of Indians
10/25/2016 - Cubs Fan Ready To Get Completely Drunk Again On Only 2 Days’ Rest
10/25/2016 - UN Names Wonder Woman As Ambassador
10/25/2016 - The Onion Humbly Offers Up Its Offices To Imprison The Women Who Have Wrongfully Accused Donald Trump
10/25/2016 - Report: Friend Has Been Going By Middle Name This Whole Fucking Time
10/25/2016 - Teary-Eyed Tim Kaine Asks Clinton If His Hair Will Grow Back In Time For Election Day
10/25/2016 - Trump’s Childhood Home Up For Auction
10/25/2016 - Top 5 Most Stressful Jobs
10/25/2016 - Cake Just Sitting There
10/24/2016 - All Hallows’ Peeve
10/24/2016 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 25, 2016
10/24/2016 - Man Approaches Box Of Powdered Doughnuts Like Snake Discovering Unguarded Clutch Of Bird Eggs
10/24/2016 - D.C. Panda To Be Moved To China
10/24/2016 - 5 Things To Know About The Chicago Cubs
10/24/2016 - Pair Of 26-Year-Olds Hit It Off After Learning They Have Student Loans From Same Bank
10/24/2016 - Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday
10/24/2016 - Reality Of Fatherhood Never Truly Dawned On Man Until He Held Newborn Son’s Hospital Bill
10/24/2016 - Look, I Wish I Were Better At This Also
10/24/2016 - Report: We Could Probably Just Have Computer Pick President
10/24/2016 - UK Pardons Gay Men Convicted Of Abolished Sex Crimes
10/24/2016 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 24, 2016
10/21/2016 - Pediatricians Ease Screen Time Guidelines
10/21/2016 - All-Business Adult In Halloween Shop Beelines It Straight For Pinhead Mask
10/21/2016 - Family Hoping Mother Knows Birthday Nature Walk A One-Time Thing
10/21/2016 - Where Your Political Donation Goes
10/21/2016 - Kidnapped Journalist Forced To Explain To ISIS Captors What BuzzFeed News Is
10/21/2016 - Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child
10/21/2016 - Tips For Training Your Dog
10/21/2016 - NFL Sees 10% Ratings Drop
10/20/2016 - Trump Holds Strategy Meeting With Campaign’s Top Militia Leaders Ahead Of Election Day
10/20/2016 - Report: Peaceful Transfer Of Power Makes Last-Minute Push To Become Most Pressing Issue Of 2016 Election
10/20/2016 - FEC Extends Election By 7 Months To Give Nation Chance To Better Get To Know Candidates
10/20/2016 - Third-Grader Clearly Biting Off More Than He Can Chew At Elementary School Book Fair
10/20/2016 - Trump Won’t Concede Election If He Loses
10/20/2016 - 5 Things To Know About Jill Stein
10/20/2016 - Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate
10/20/2016 - Alternative Social Media Sites
10/20/2016 - Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions
10/20/2016 - Origins Of Popular Slang Terms
10/20/2016 - Trump Campaign Training Poll Watchers To Spot Any Suspicious Skin Colors On Election Day
10/20/2016 - Highlights From The Final Presidential Debate
10/20/2016 - Porn Industry Protests Condom Requirement
10/19/2016 - Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton
10/19/2016 - Chris Wallace Receives Cease-And-Desist Letter From Trump Organization In Middle Of Questioning Candidate About Groping Allegations
10/19/2016 - Undecided Debate Viewer Waiting Until He Hears Same Responses For Seventh Time Before Making Decision
10/19/2016 - Moderator Explains That GOP Will Have 2 Minutes After Every Trump Response To Distance Selves From Candidate
10/19/2016 - Presidential Debate Commission Anesthetizes Audience To Prevent Outbursts During Debate
10/19/2016 - Police Chief Apologizes To Minorities For Mistreatment
10/19/2016 - Mike Pence Visits Small Town Hit Hard By Kids Seeing R-Rated Movies
10/19/2016 - How To Talk To Your Child About Sex
10/19/2016 - 5 Things To Watch For In Tonight’s Debate
10/19/2016 - Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One
10/19/2016 - High School Graduation Rate At Record High
10/18/2016 - Fall Guys
10/18/2016 - Smithsonian Seeks $300,000 To Repair Ruby Slippers
10/18/2016 - How To Report A Crime
10/18/2016 - 5 Things To Know About Gary Johnson
10/18/2016 - Nation Suddenly Realizes It Never Had To Worry About John McCain Dying Over Past 8 Years If He’d Become President
10/18/2016 - Tips For Conquering Phobias
10/18/2016 - Secret Service Shuts Down Biden’s Unofficial White House Tour Operation
10/18/2016 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 18, 2016
10/18/2016 - Report: Annie Sabatino’s Boyfriend Like 23 Or Something
10/18/2016 - Debate Organizers Set Aside First 15 Minutes For Whatever Major Trump Revelation Comes Out Between Now And Then
10/18/2016 - Cuban Rum, Cigars Now Legal In U.S.
10/17/2016 - Planned Parenthood Turns 100
10/17/2016 - Most Popular Autumn Activities
10/17/2016 - Warning On Police Body Camera Footage Cautions Viewer They About To See Pretty Much Exactly What They’d Expect
10/17/2016 - Michelle Obama To DNC: ‘After This Election You Dipshits Are On Your Own’
10/17/2016 - Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans
10/17/2016 - Pope Francis Spends Weekend Installing Stained Glass Storm Windows In St. Peter’s Basilica
10/17/2016 - Trump Maps Out Plan For First 100 Days Of Not Conceding Election
10/17/2016 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 17, 2016
10/17/2016 - Michael Jackson Highest-Paid Celebrity Of 2016
10/14/2016 - Our Afterlife Preview
10/14/2016 - Tips For Preparing For A Hospital Stay
10/14/2016 - Personal Space Stations To Launch In 2020
10/14/2016 - Body Given False Hope With First Piece Of Fruit In 9 Days
10/14/2016 - The Iconic Images Of Election 2016
10/14/2016 - The Donald Trump In These Allegations Is Not The Complete Monster I Married
10/14/2016 - ‘This Is The Golden Age Of Television,’ Claim Executives Who Have Not Yet Made Show About Robotic Wizards
10/14/2016 - The Longest Championship Droughts In Sports History
10/14/2016 - Sunny Saves Bo From Mountain Lion During Cross-Country Journey To Reunite With Obamas
10/14/2016 - 500,000 Votes Already Cast In 2016 Election
10/13/2016 - 5 Things To Know About Bob Dylan
10/13/2016 - Bob Dylan Wins Nobel Prize
10/13/2016 - How Illegal Immigrants Cross The Border
10/13/2016 - Idiotic Tree Keeps Trying To Plant Seeds On Sidewalk
10/13/2016 - Trump Complains Entire Personality Rigged Against Him
10/13/2016 - Subway Breeding Program Successfully Creates Black Forest Ham–Meatball Marinara Hybrid
10/13/2016 - Retired David Ortiz Excited To Finally Eat Whatever He Wants
10/13/2016 - Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter
10/13/2016 - A Timeline Of Halloween History
10/13/2016 - Clown Sightings, Arrests On The Rise
10/12/2016 - Michelle Obama Throws Out A Bunch Of Barack’s Old Number 44 Jerseys
10/12/2016 - Tips For Buying A Home
10/12/2016 - ‘The Onion’ Is Withholding Our Endorsement For President Until Both Candidates Respond To Our Questionnaire
10/12/2016 - First Ever Male CoverGirl Model Announced
10/12/2016 - Ex-Boyfriend Just Thought He’d Check In And Throw Entire Day Off
10/12/2016 - Badass Surgeon Puts On Fingerless Latex Gloves Before Operating
10/12/2016 - ‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90
10/12/2016 - Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade
10/12/2016 - Sugar Could Contribute To Disease
10/11/2016 - How To Become A Better Listener
10/11/2016 - John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors
10/11/2016 - Loss Of Parent Linked To Children’s Smoking, Drinking
10/11/2016 - Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS
10/11/2016 - Oh, Am I Transporting You To A New World And Introducing You To Beautifully Drawn Characters, You Pussy?
10/11/2016 - David Ortiz: Looking Back At The Career Of Boston’s Favorite Non-White Son
10/11/2016 - Woman Who Started Sentence With ‘Oh My God’ Really Needs To Stick Landing
10/11/2016 - Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other
10/11/2016 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 11, 2016
10/10/2016 - Tips For Traveling Light
10/10/2016 - Wall Street Executive Telling Friend How Amazing It Is To See Clinton Live
10/10/2016 - NBC Suspends Billy Bush
10/10/2016 - Fact-Checking The Second Presidential Debate
10/10/2016 - National Association Of Enablers To Americans: ‘C’mon’
10/10/2016 - Voter Nostalgically Looks Back At Time He Was Uninformed About Candidates
10/10/2016 - Obama Approval Rating At All-Time High
10/10/2016 - MLB Mascots Union Demands More Bald Fans To Playfully Tease Between Innings
10/10/2016 - Arnie’s Harm-y
10/10/2016 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 10, 2016
10/10/2016 - Highlights From The Second Presidential Debate
10/9/2016 - Confused Audience Member At Town Hall Debate Asking About City’s New Stoplights
10/9/2016 - Paul Ryan Sitting Among Undecided Voters At Town Hall Debate
10/9/2016 - Town Hall Audience Member Asks Clinton To Quickly Pivot Away From His Question And Then State Her Platform
10/9/2016 - Trump Vomits Immediately After Seeing Everyday Americans Up Close
10/9/2016 - Weird Debate Viewer Using Tonight To Inform Herself About Candidates’ Policy Stances
10/9/2016 - Anderson Cooper Begins Debate By Giving Trump Opportunity To Explain What The Fuck Is Wrong With Him
10/9/2016 - GOP Leaders’ Daughters: ‘It’s Pretty Fucked Up If We’re The Only Reason You’re Denouncing Trump’s Statements’
10/9/2016 - Paul Ryan Currently 141 Miles Into Run Through Wisconsin Countryside
10/9/2016 - 37 Separate Aneurysms On Verge Of Rupturing Inside Reince Priebus’ Brain
10/9/2016 - Damning Video Surfaces Of Trump Accepting GOP Nomination For President
10/7/2016 - Trump: ‘I Know That Was Pretty Bad, But Let’s Just Say You’re Going To Want To Save Your Energy’
10/7/2016 - Glove Stuck In Another Long-Winded Conversation With Clayton Kershaw
10/7/2016 - Michelle Obama Updates White House Garden
10/7/2016 - Tips For Proper Etiquette
10/7/2016 - Poll Finds 30% Of Americans Still Undecided Whether To Vote Out Of Fear Or Spite
10/7/2016 - Disturbing MLB Postseason Commercial Claims October Is When The Maggots Feast On Rotting Pig Flesh
10/7/2016 - Presidential Commission Announces No Candidates Met Threshold To Compete In Second Debate
10/7/2016 - Chief Justice Roberts Putters Around House All Day In Gray Sweat Robe
10/7/2016 - Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant
10/7/2016 - Tips For Meeting Your Girlfriend’s Parents
10/7/2016 - DOT Aims To End Traffic Deaths In 30 Years
10/6/2016 - Mall Of America To Close For Thanksgiving
10/6/2016 - Tips For Fighting Insomnia
10/6/2016 - Authorities Urge Florida Residents To Prevent Further Disasters By Finally Standing Up To Hurricane
10/6/2016 - CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela
10/6/2016 - How The Debates Can Be Improved
10/6/2016 - Trump Surrogate Enjoying Thrill Of Not Knowing What She Going To Be Defending Minute To Minute
10/6/2016 - New Study Finds Most Of Earth’s Landmass Will Be Phoenix Suburb By 2050
10/6/2016 - Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach
10/6/2016 - Brain-Training Games Don’t Build Cognition
10/5/2016 - Top Alternative Energy Sources
10/5/2016 - U.S.–Russia Relations At 40-Year Low
10/5/2016 - 5 Things To Know About Google Pixel
10/5/2016 - Man Wakes From Coma With Ability To Understand Health Insurance Policy
10/5/2016 - Highlights From The Vice Presidential Debate
10/5/2016 - Bees Gain Endangered Status For First Time
10/5/2016 - Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage
10/5/2016 - If You Want To Achieve Enlightenment, You’re Gonna Have To Go Through Me
10/4/2016 - Tim Kaine Clearly Ate Rocket Pop During Pence’s Rebuttal
10/4/2016 - Mike Pence Brings Wife Up Onstage To Help Demonstrate How Much Contact Appropriate Before Marriage
10/4/2016 - Moderator Reminds Vice Presidential Debate Audience To Remain Silent When Exiting Early
10/4/2016 - Moderator Sternly Issues Final Warning For Tim Kaine To Stop Playing With Microphone
10/4/2016 - Pence Relaxes Onstage By Imagining Entire Debate Audience Burning In Hell
10/4/2016 - Voters Tune Into VP Debate To Find Out What Race Would Look Like If This Was Normal Election Year
10/4/2016 - Tearful Tim Kaine Wandering Around Backstage At Debate Asking If Anyone Has Seen His Running Mate
10/4/2016 - Tips For Baby-Proofing Your Home
10/4/2016 - 5 Things To Watch For In Tonight’s Debate
10/4/2016 - Doctors’ Political Views Could Impact Patient Care
10/4/2016 - ‘The Onion’ Has Obtained Donald Trump’s Tax Returns And Has Chosen To Destroy Them
10/4/2016 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 4, 2016
10/4/2016 - Nation’s Women Fantasize About Some Future Election That Isn’t Absolutely Pivotal To Their Well-Being
10/4/2016 - Pence Aide Encourages Candidate To Try Some More Happy-Looking Scowls During Debate
10/4/2016 - Brexit To Begin Next March
10/3/2016 - How To Turn Down A Job Offer
10/3/2016 - LeBron James Endorses Hillary Clinton
10/3/2016 - How The Candidates Are Preparing For The Vice Presidential Debate
10/3/2016 - Mike Pence Training For Vice Presidential Debate By Hitting Punching Bag With Climate Change Study Taped On Front
10/3/2016 - The Final Lie-Mester
10/3/2016 - Horrifying Society Of Grotesque Mutants Discovered Living Aboveground
10/3/2016 - Superstitious Clinton Refusing To Change Her Beliefs Following Hot Streak In Polls
10/3/2016 - New Emergency Wireless Alerts Proposed
10/3/2016 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of October 3, 2016
10/3/2016 - Report: 50% Of Heaven’s Population Just Assholes Who Begged For Forgiveness At Last Second
10/2/2016 - Wade Phillips Spends Game In Front Of Sideline Mist Machine With Mouth Open