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2017 April
4/29/2017 - The Onion Looks Back At The First 100 Days And 10 Plagues Of The Trump Administration
4/28/2017 - OJ Simpson Announces Bills Second Round Draft Pick
4/28/2017 - Your Latest Fuckup That Has Everybody Talking
4/28/2017 - Scientists Constructing Bricks From Simulated Martian Soil
4/28/2017 - Retired Ice Rink Manager Recalls Days Of Horse-Led Zambonis
4/28/2017 - David Crosby Shows Photo Of Dwarven Blacksmith To Barber To Give Idea Of What He Wants
4/28/2017 - Fetal Lambs Kept Alive Inside Artificial Uterus
4/28/2017 - Man Who’s Only Halfway Through Life Can Already Guess How It’s Going To End
4/28/2017 - Super 8 Offering Writers Residency For Anyone Working On Suicide Note
4/27/2017 - Man Who Should Have Stayed In School Stuck In Cleveland
4/27/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Kim Jong-un
4/27/2017 - Cracking Sound Alerts Man He Reaching Styrofoam Plate’s Weight Limit
4/27/2017 - Chobani Sues Alex Jones For Defamation
4/27/2017 - Mark Zuckerberg Touts Complete Lack Of Cannibalism On Facebook Live So Far
4/27/2017 - Ecuadorian Officials Starting To Get Sick Of Julian Assange Always Leaving Dirty Dishes All Over Embassy
4/27/2017 - Justin Trudeau Unveils Plan To Meet Healthcare Needs Of Canada’s Aging Prog Rockers
4/27/2017 - Notable Commencement Speakers For The Class Of 2017
4/27/2017 - Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust
4/27/2017 - Plastic-Eating Caterpillar Discovered
4/27/2017 - Chemicals That Pushed Man’s Ancestors To Run Down Wild Boar Flare At Sight Of White Cheddar Popcorn Bag
4/27/2017 - NHL Finally Welds Handle To Stanley Cup
4/27/2017 - Department Of Interior Asks For Resignation Of Obama-Era Elk
4/27/2017 - Most Popular Board Games
4/27/2017 - Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean
4/26/2017 - New Cheat Code Unlocks Bonus Level Of Microsoft Word
4/26/2017 - How Technology Will Change Travel
4/26/2017 - Raiders Agree To Pay Fan Base $16 Billion In Relocation Expenses
4/26/2017 - Hospital Denies Teen’s Transplant Due To Marijuana Use
4/26/2017 - Gap Debuts New Line Of Children’s Sweaters To Clutch To Chest When Son Goes Missing
4/26/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Trump’s Tax Plan
4/26/2017 - Gorsuch Nervous About Showering In Front Of Other Supreme Court Justices
4/26/2017 - Scientists Capture Audio Of Beetle Colliding With Paper Clip For First Time
4/26/2017 - Christ Appears In Roman Court To Contest 2,000-Year-Old Riot Charges
4/26/2017 - Locks Of Love Completes Construction Of Massive Hair Silo Capable Of Holding 150,000 Pounds Of Hair
4/26/2017 - Metallica Board Of Directors Debates Whether New Riff Will Have Negative Impact On Shareholder Value
4/26/2017 - Astronaut Sets NASA Record For Most Days In Space
4/25/2017 - Comic Con Overrun By Hordes Of Brainless Zombie Properties
4/25/2017 - Healthy Cooking Substitutions
4/25/2017 - Opioid Deaths Could Be Underestimated
4/25/2017 - Mel Kiper Shrugs Off Amorous Feelings Toward Big Board While Working Late One Night
4/25/2017 - University Of Nevada Renames Vito Corleone School Of Business Following Latest Accusations Against Benefactor
4/25/2017 - Total Dipshit Fans Think Pop-Up Fly Ball Going To Be Home Run
4/25/2017 - 5 Things To Watch For At The NRA Convention
4/25/2017 - The First Hungered Days
4/25/2017 - Sometimes It Feels Like I’m In Prison Too, But Then I Go Home
4/25/2017 - A Timeline Of U.S.–North Korean Relations
4/25/2017 - Hash Browns Recalled For ‘Extraneous Golf Ball Materials’
4/25/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 25, 2017
4/25/2017 - Closed Shop In Gentrifying Neighborhood To Emerge From Chrysalis As Beautiful Gastropub
4/24/2017 - McDonald’s To Introduce Mobile Ordering
4/24/2017 - Comic Con To Host Special Panel On Controlling Perspiration While Holding Hands
4/24/2017 - Nintendo Unveils New Controller Designed To Be Chucked Across A Room
4/24/2017 - Trump Promises Government Will Continue To Fund All Essential Mar-A-Lago Staff During Shutdown
4/24/2017 - God Pissed After Learning Cost To Replace Earth’s Core
4/24/2017 - Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish
4/24/2017 - Diet Soda Linked To Stroke, Dementia Risks
4/24/2017 - U.S. Postal Service Appoints First Leather-Clad Postmistress General
4/24/2017 - Cameron Diaz Finally Opens Up About Generally Positive Experience In Show Business
4/24/2017 - Thumbtack On Carpet Still At Large
4/24/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 24, 2017
4/24/2017 - Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately
4/21/2017 - Umbilical Cord Could Repair Memory
4/21/2017 - A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation
4/21/2017 - Woman Knows To Stay Away From Certain Parts Of Own Psyche At Night
4/21/2017 - U.S. Funneling Arms To Dissident Angel Group In Effort To Topple God
4/21/2017 - We Pitched Warren Buffett On A Photoshoot Where He’s Bathing Nude In This Tub Full Of Buffalo Nickels, And He Politely Declined
4/21/2017 - Man Coming To Terms With Fact That Shower Not Getting Any Hotter
4/21/2017 - Clogged Drain Causes Orioles’ Dugout To Overflow With Chewing Tobacco Spit
4/21/2017 - Study: Psychedelics Lead To ‘Higher State Of Consciousness’
4/21/2017 - Mike Pence Has Long Heart-To-Heart With Staffer Who Came To Work With Coffee On Breath
4/20/2017 - Serena Williams Pregnant
4/20/2017 - Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk
4/20/2017 - Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother
4/20/2017 - Berkeley Campus On Lockdown After Loose Pages From ‘Wall Street Journal’ Found On Park Bench
4/20/2017 - Pope Francis Scouring Papal Tombs For Final Easter Egg Of Vatican Hunt
4/20/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Peanut Allergies
4/20/2017 - Report: Store Out Of Good Kind
4/20/2017 - New Report Finds U.S. Employees Most Engaged At Workplace While Working As Frontman Of Styx
4/20/2017 - Kevin Spacey To Host Tony Awards
4/20/2017 - Oklahoma State Penitentiary Unveils New In-Chamber Entertainment System To Keep Inmates Occupied During Lethal Injections
4/19/2017 - Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name
4/19/2017 - Starbucks Debuts ‘Unicorn Frappuccino’
4/19/2017 - Chili’s Introduces Savory New 200-Times-Baked Potatoes
4/19/2017 - Melania Idly Wonders If She Would Get Heads-Up About Nuclear Missile Headed Toward New York
4/19/2017 - FEMA Recommends Americans Always Have Go-Bag Packed In Case Past Finally Catches Up With Them
4/19/2017 - America Is More Religious Than Other Countries Due To Its Proximity To The Gates Of Hell
4/19/2017 - Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo
4/19/2017 - James Harden Dreading Long 15-Minute Walk To Get Back On Defense
4/19/2017 - Vegetarian Begins Sad, Private Routine Of Scanning Menu For Little Green V’s
4/19/2017 - Uber Pressured To Allow Tipping
4/19/2017 - Dad Emotional After Son Beats Him For First Time In Game Of ‘NBA 2K17’
4/18/2017 - Most Popular Subscription Box Services
4/18/2017 - U.K. Seeks Early Election Before Brexit
4/18/2017 - Cackling Trump Reveals To Dinner Guests They’ve All Just Eaten Single Piece Of His Tax Returns
4/18/2017 - Pastor Talking To Non-Christian Who Just Lost Wife Can Smell Blood
4/18/2017 - IRS Announces Refunds Will Come In Form Of Forever Stamps This Year
4/18/2017 - Fox Racing Releases New Line Of Maternity ATV Gear
4/18/2017 - Sweatshirt String Emerges Triumphant After Harrowing Journey Through Hood
4/18/2017 - NASA Designs Suit Capable Of Protecting Humans Hoping To One Day Live On Earth
4/18/2017 - Driven To Tears
4/18/2017 - Giraffe Gives Birth Before Live Audience
4/18/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 18, 2017
4/17/2017 - Trump Administration Refusing To Disclose Names Of White House Diamond Elite Members
4/17/2017 - North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist
4/17/2017 - Report: Nothing Wrong With A Good Old-Fashioned Ham And Cheese Sandwich
4/17/2017 - Immigrant Arrests Increase Under Trump
4/17/2017 - CERN Researchers Apologize For Destruction Of 5 Parallel Universes In Recent Experiment
4/17/2017 - Friends, Family Waiting For Current Bout Of Man’s Depression To Subside Before Really Laying Into Him
4/17/2017 - New Device Turns Air Into Water
4/17/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 17, 2017
4/16/2017 - Pope Francis Rides Into St. Peter’s Square On Giant Glowing Lamb For Easter Mass
4/14/2017 - Study: Touchscreens Cause Babies To Lose Sleep
4/14/2017 - Trump Spends 10 Minutes Mistakenly Addressing Steve Bannon’s Freshly Shed Exoskeleton
4/14/2017 - E.P.T. Clarifies Pregnancy Tests Intended For Entertainment Purposes Only
4/14/2017 - Most Commonly Banned Books
4/14/2017 - Ulta Releases Line Of Shitty Hair Ties To Give Cheap-Ass Friend Who’s Always Borrowing Them
4/14/2017 - Report: Tiger That Mauled Roy Horn Still Struggling To Find Work
4/14/2017 - Woman Happy To Have Such Good Takeout Places She Can Call When Feeling Low
4/14/2017 - Whale Won’t Shut Up About Time It Was Beached
4/14/2017 - Trans Fat Ban Saving Lives
4/14/2017 - Bianchi Introduces New Bike For Blocking Commuters On Subway During Rush Hour
4/13/2017 - Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters
4/13/2017 - ‘Charging Bull’ Artist Objects To Placement Of ‘Fearless Girl’
4/13/2017 - DMV Survival Tips
4/13/2017 - Judi Dench, Jack Nicholson, Jeremy Irons, Meryl Streep Fondly Recall Getting Start As Part Of 1993 Mouseketeer Class
4/13/2017 - Ketchup Crust On Heinz Bottle Cap Still Dreams Of One Day Getting Onto Hot Dog
4/13/2017 - ‘There Are No Good Options In Syria,’ Sighs Man Who Has Devoted 12 Minutes Of Research To Topic
4/13/2017 - Man Taking Phone Out Of Case For First Time In Years Struck By Forgotten Beauty
4/13/2017 - Study Finds Chimpanzees Only Other Animal Capable Of Keeping Lid On Friend’s Affair
4/13/2017 - Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life
4/13/2017 - Brain Scan Could Reveal Content Of Dreams
4/12/2017 - Malala Named Youngest UN Messenger Of Peace
4/12/2017 - New Study Finds Staring Out From Balcony With Best Friends Strongest Indicator That This Your City, Your Time
4/12/2017 - Sean Spicer Given Own Press Secretary To Answer Media’s Questions About His Controversial Statements
4/12/2017 - Man Knows He Must Ride Unexpected Urge To Clean As Far As It Will Take Him
4/12/2017 - Cucumber Is Everywhere, So Why Are People Still Fat?
4/12/2017 - Documentary About Plymouth Rock Throws In Some World War II To Keep People Interested
4/12/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Sanctuary Cities
4/12/2017 - Biological Life Regrets Waiting 2.3 Billion Years To Try Sex
4/12/2017 - YouTuber Wastes 2 Whole Minutes Explaining How To Prep A Deck For Sealant As If Viewer Total Moron
4/12/2017 - 10-Time-Winning Racing Brewer Sausage Put Out To Stud
4/12/2017 - Gorsuch Sworn In As Supreme Court Justice
4/11/2017 - How To Choose The Right Credit Card
4/11/2017 - United Drags Doctor Off Flight
4/11/2017 - Rookie Justice Gorsuch Assigned To Supreme Court Overnight Shift
4/11/2017 - 5 Things To Know About United Airlines
4/11/2017 - Veteran Brita Filter’s Tour Of Duty Extended Another 3 Months
4/11/2017 - Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement
4/11/2017 - I Wouldn’t Have Invented The Piano If I Knew That Guy In ‘The Godfather’ Was Going To Get Strangled With Piano Wire
4/11/2017 - Mask Hysteria
4/11/2017 - Tips For Writing A Screenplay
4/11/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 11, 2017
4/10/2017 - New Office Manager Provides Terrifying Glimpse Into Plans For Regime By Placing New Collection Of Teas In Drawer
4/10/2017 - Text History With Mom A Succinct Chronology Of Relatives’ Hospital Visits
4/10/2017 - Study: ‘Hangin’ In There’ Best One Can Now Feel
4/10/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 10, 2017
4/10/2017 - Payless Files For Bankruptcy
4/10/2017 - Jealous Paul Ryan Asks Legislator With 37% Approval Rating What His Secret Is
4/10/2017 - Woman Rises Early To Sow Seeds Of Day’s First Gchats
4/7/2017 - Trump Assures Nation That Decision For Syrian Airstrikes Came After Carefully Considering All His Passing Whims
4/7/2017 - Assad Vows Swift Retaliation On Syrian Civilians In Response To U.S. Missile Strike
4/7/2017 - Writers Guild Of America Prepares To Strike
4/7/2017 - Trump Confident U.S. Military Strike On Syria Wiped Out Russian Scandal
4/7/2017 - Child’s Favorite Restaurant Also Dad’s Favorite Bar
4/7/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Bashar Al-Assad
4/7/2017 - Couple Puts Handful Of Items On Registry That Loser Family Members Can Afford
4/7/2017 - Barry Manilow Comes Out As Gay
4/6/2017 - Steve Bannon Removed From Security Council
4/6/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Filibusters
4/6/2017 - Bashar Al-Assad Shares Laugh With Military Leaders Over Time He Once Wanted To Be A Doctor And Help People
4/6/2017 - Report: Delivering College Recruitment Letters To Five-Star Athletes Comprises 83% Of All Revenue For U.S. Postal Service
4/6/2017 - Farberware Releases New Nonstick Eggs
4/6/2017 - Man Who Skipped Airport’s Moving Walkway Immediately Realizes What An Arrogant Fool He’s Been
4/6/2017 - Logitech Introduces High-Resistance Keyboard For Fitness-Minded Typists
4/6/2017 - How To Prepare For An Audition
4/6/2017 - New Zealand Post To Deliver KFC
4/5/2017 - NYC Losing Residents
4/5/2017 - Mom Locked In Infinite Loop Of Purchasing, Returning Items From Lord & Taylor
4/5/2017 - Should Animals Have More Eyes?
4/5/2017 - Sweating, Shaking Pharmaceutical CEO Says He Can Stop Profiting Off Opioid Epidemic Anytime He Wants
4/5/2017 - Viewing Ads On Website Sole Way In Which Man Contributing To Economy
4/5/2017 - Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand
4/5/2017 - Judge: Plausible That Trump Incited Riots
4/5/2017 - Jellyfish Can’t Wait To Fuck Up Honeymoon
4/4/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Bill O’Reilly
4/4/2017 - Tips For Improving Your Willpower
4/4/2017 - NHL Will Forgo 2018 Winter Olympics
4/4/2017 - Climate Change: Myth Vs. Fact
4/4/2017 - Top Benefits Of Therapy
4/4/2017 - Pope Francis Concerned About Infection From Holy Spirit Bite
4/4/2017 - Just Plane Wrong
4/4/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 4, 2017
4/4/2017 - Kentucky Temporarily Barred From Closing Only Abortion Clinic
4/4/2017 - Woman Who Drinks 6 Cups Of Coffee Per Day Trying To Cut Down On Blue Light At Bedtime
4/4/2017 - God Struggling To Remember How To Make Geodes
4/4/2017 - Pit Crew’s Work Undone In .7 Seconds
4/4/2017 - Restaurant Hostess Loses Job To ‘Please Seat Yourself’ Sign
4/3/2017 - Pros And Cons Of A Long-Distance Relationship
4/3/2017 - 5 Things To Watch For On MLB Opening Day
4/3/2017 - Twitter Changes Egg Avatar To Remove Troll Connotations
4/3/2017 - ‘Planet Earth II’ Finale Finally Resolves Will-They/Won’t-They Storyline Between Snow Leopard, Golden Eagle
4/3/2017 - Joel Embiid To Undergo Career-Starting Surgery
4/3/2017 - New Report Finds Moving To Isolated Seaside Cottage Greatly Increases Productivity
4/3/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 3, 2017
4/3/2017 - ‘It Was Fine,’ Says Man Following Visit With Only People On Earth Who Love Him
4/3/2017 - Loyal Dog Waits 2 Full Hours Before Consuming Dead Owner’s Face
4/3/2017 - Facebook Launches Fundraising Feature