12/31/2017 - Single Woman Getting All Dolled Up To Watch Room Full Of People Make Out This New Year’s Eve

12/29/2017 - Could Losing To Clemson Hurt Alabama's Chances Of Making It To The National Championship?

12/26/2017 - Top Quotes Of 2017

12/26/2017 - All The ‘Tootsie’ Memorabilia We Were Close To Scoring On Ebay In 2017

12/26/2017 - Top Television Shows Of 2017

12/26/2017 - The 14 Babies Born In 2017

12/26/2017 - The Worst Potluck Contributions Of 2017

12/26/2017 - Year In Review

12/25/2017 - Top Films Of 2017

12/25/2017 - Pentagon Has U.F.O. Hunting Program

12/25/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 25, 2017

12/25/2017 - Convenience Store Employee Given Generous Holiday Bonus Shift

12/24/2017 - Those We Lost In 2017 

12/22/2017 - Twitter Begins Banning Threatening Accounts

12/22/2017 - Kids Getting A Little Old To Still Believe In Innate Charitable Goodness Of Humans

12/22/2017 - Woman On First Date Feels Like She Could Spend Whole Life In Uncomfortable Silence With This Man

12/22/2017 - Visibly Flu-Stricken Choir Kid Really Dragging Down Whole Christmas Pageant

12/22/2017 - Child Who Just Wanted Clothes Spares Uncle’s Feelings By Pretending To Like Xbox

12/22/2017 - Most Popular Passwords Of Year Include '123456' 'password'

12/22/2017 - Report: More Americans Forced To Sell Gold Pocket Watch In Order To Afford Set Of Fine Combs For Wife

12/21/2017 - FDA Approves Gene Therapy For Inherited Blindness

12/21/2017 - Cash-Strapped Florida Retiree Desperately Selling Off Anything Of Value

12/21/2017 - It’s A Sad State Of Affairs When We Can’t Even Refer To Every Holiday As Christmas

12/21/2017 - Paul Ryan Confident American People Will Warm Up To Tax Plan Once They Realize Life A Cruel And Meaningless Farce

12/21/2017 - Man Wondering When ‘Ocean's 8’ Trailer Going To Show Film’s Protagonist

12/21/2017 - Food To Leave Out For God On Christmas Eve

12/21/2017 - Bonobo Embarrassed After Walking In On Parents, Siblings, Cousins, Friends, Partner Having Sex

12/21/2017 - Crazed, Froth-Mouthed Mother Demands Grandchildren Now

12/21/2017 - Fox News Ends Year With Top Ratings

12/21/2017 - Everyone In Sporting Goods Store Looking For Something To Get On Stepson’s Good Side

12/20/2017 - 5 Things To Know About The GOP Tax Bill

12/20/2017 - Disney Debuts Animatronic Donald Trump In Hall Of Presidents

12/20/2017 - Study Finds Fewer Millennials Want To Live

12/20/2017 - Paul Ryan Slits Auto Mechanic’s Throat To Kick Off GOP Purge Of Working Class

12/20/2017 - Cardinal Law Canonized Following Miracle Of Escaping Criminal Prosecution

12/20/2017 - GOP Leaders Celebrate Decisive Win Over Americans

12/20/2017 - Free Couch Sitting On Curb For Months

12/20/2017 - A Quick And Simple Drywall Recipe That Kids With Pica Will Love

12/20/2017 - ‘Support Small Business’ Demands Sign In Window Of Boutique Open Five Hours A Day, Three Days A Week

12/20/2017 - Area Man Stops Self After Eating 3 Advent Calendars

12/20/2017 - Scientists Say Japanese Monkeys Having Sexual Interactions With Deer

12/20/2017 - 10-Pack Of Swiss Miss Bracing Itself To Shoulder Burden Of Holding Together Man’s Depressing Holiday Alone

12/19/2017 - Wreck The Halls

12/19/2017 - Sun Thinking Of Just Collapsing Now And Getting This All Over With

12/19/2017 - Pope Francis Celebrates 81st Birthday With Extra-Large Pizza Pie

12/19/2017 - Study Finds Chickens Would Have No Qualms About Caging, Eating Humans

12/19/2017 - Secret Santa Seems To Think You A Big ‘Laverne & Shirley’ Fan

12/19/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 19, 2017

12/19/2017 - Trump-Appointed Judicial Nominee Displays Legal Expertise By Withdrawing Nomination

12/19/2017 - I Don’t Think I’ll Ever Be Able To Watch Another Brett Ratner Movie Again

12/19/2017 - Man Worried New ‘Jumanji’ Movie Going To Ruin Memory Of Mediocre Afternoon In 1995

12/19/2017 - Russian Agent Disgusted With Things He Forced To Do To Pass Self Off As Reddit Commenter

12/19/2017 - Final Season Of 'House Of Cards' Will Star Robin Wright 

12/19/2017 - 'You're Right' Host Sebastian Moore Reminds Viewers To Purchase His Liberal Merchandise So Others Know They’re Good

12/19/2017 - Prego Marketing New Marinara As ‘The Premiere Sauce For The #MeToo Moment’

12/18/2017 - 'The Last Jedi' Has Second-Biggest Opening Of All Times

12/18/2017 - Area Man Remembers Less Politically Correct Time When Christmas Was About Honoring The Glory Of Saturn

12/18/2017 - Robert Mueller Ascends Into Sky With Umbrella After Trump Family Promises They Learned Lesson About Honesty 

12/18/2017 - Boss’s Sexual Harassment A Lot More Cautious Lately

12/18/2017 - 92% Of Area Woman’s Holiday Recipes Involve Pulverizing Bag Of Oreos

12/18/2017 - Overworked Pajama Bottoms Pray Owner Gets Job Soon

12/18/2017 - ‘Man Flu’ May Be Real Disease, Scientist Says

12/18/2017 - Stepson Absolutely Nailing Jeopardy Category About Third Reich

12/18/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 18, 2017

12/17/2017 - Father Teaching Daughter How To Drive Stick In Empty Browns Parking Lot

12/15/2017 - Astronomers Scan Mysterious Interstellar Object For Signs Of Extraterrestrial Life

12/15/2017 - Historians Uncover Evidence Stonehenge Once Prominent Druid Make-Out Spot

12/15/2017 - Silicon Valley Startup Seeks To Change The Way Women Flee Tech Industry

12/15/2017 - Historians Still Unable To Determine How Americans Were Able To Build Hoover Dam

12/15/2017 - Nation Dutifully Gets In Cars, Stands In Line, Watches New Star Wars Movie

12/15/2017 - ‘The Last Jedi’ Footage Reveals Chewbacca Balding Since ‘The Force Awakens’

12/15/2017 - CNN Investigating Reports Of Wolf Blitzer’s Highly Proper Sexual Conduct

12/15/2017 - Giant Penguin Roamed Earth Millions Of Years Ago

12/14/2017 - FCC Assures Nation Their Favorite Verizon Websites Won’t Be Affected By Net Neutrality Repeal

12/14/2017 - ‘You’re Right’ Viewers Tells Ted He’s Wrong

12/14/2017 - Eric Trump Hooks Donald Jr. Up To Xbox, iPad, Roomba To Practice Passing Polygraph Test

12/14/2017 - Omarosa To Leave White House

12/14/2017 - God Gets Celtic Cross Tattooed On Back

12/14/2017 - Bob Iger Offers Rupert Murdoch One Night With Mickey Mouse In Exchange For 21st Century Fox

12/14/2017 - The Onion Reviews ‘Star Wars: The Last Jedi’

12/14/2017 - Taco Bell Unveils New Taco With Shell Made From Doritos Bags

12/14/2017 - Estée Lauder Expedition Stumbles Upon Frozen Remains Of Previous Party Sent To Retrieve Rare Moisturizing Herb In The Himalayas

12/14/2017 - Jeff Bezos Named Amazon Employee Of The Month

12/14/2017 - New ‘Star Wars’ Film Once Again Disappoints Die-Hard Nien Nunb Fans

12/14/2017 - Former Facebook Exec Says Website Tearing Apart Fabric Of Society

12/14/2017 - Report: GOP Tax Bill Supported By Majority Of Americans Currently Suffocating Wealthy Benefactor With Pillow

12/13/2017 - Children Starting To See Through Dad’s Claim That DoubleTree Hotel Part Of Disney Resort 

12/13/2017 - Apple Acquires Shazam

12/13/2017 - ‘Repealing Net Neutrality Will Help Spur Innovation,’ Announces Face Of Ajit Pai Blaring From Every Computer Screen In Nation

12/13/2017 - DNC Takes Out Full-Page Ad Thanking Alabama’s Working-Class White Voters

12/13/2017 - A Fun Recipe With Jackfruit You Should Learn To Avoid Looking Like A Knuckle-Dragging Dirt Person

12/13/2017 - KitchenAid Unveils New All-Terrain Rolling Pin

12/13/2017 - A Heinous Tact

12/13/2017 - Bitcoin Surge In First Day Of Wall Street Trading

12/13/2017 - The Onion Presents … 

12/12/2017 - Doug Jones Thanks Child Bride During Victory Speech

12/12/2017 - Roy Moore Retires From Politics To Spend More Quality Time With Someone’s Kid

12/12/2017 - Baffled DNC Plant Roy Moore Not Sure What Else He Could Have Done To Defame Republican Party

12/12/2017 - North Korea Claims Kim Jong-Un Can Control The Weather

12/12/2017 - Trump Dismisses Accusers As Women

12/12/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 12, 2017

12/12/2017 - Unidentified Wooden Pole Leaning Against Garage Wall

12/12/2017 - Report: More Elderly Improving Cognitive Function By Solving Murders

12/12/2017 - After The Election, We All Had To Change The Way We Approached Magic

12/12/2017 - Unpatriotic Man Does Not Maintain Erection During National Anthem

12/12/2017 - Pope Francis Suggests Changing Words To ‘Lord's Prayer’

12/11/2017 - Christmas By The Numbers

12/11/2017 - Sighing Trump Sexual Assault Accusers Announce They’ll Try Coming Forward Again Next Week

12/11/2017 - Man Can’t Wait To Find Out If Millennium Falcon Gets Out Of That Tunnel

12/11/2017 - Time-Traveling Hillary Clinton Warns Self To Do Everything In Exact Same Way

12/11/2017 - Dictionary.com Names 'Complicit' As Word Of The Year

12/11/2017 - Shaq Pulls Ernie Johnson Mask Off Skull-Faced Impostor

12/11/2017 - MTA Officials Assure New Yorkers That Today’s Subway Will Run Just As Fucked Up As Normal

12/11/2017 - 'You're Right' Host Sebastian Moore Changes Stance On Abortion After Realizing He Wouldn’t Have His Show If He Were Aborted

12/11/2017 - Twitch Streamer Sets New Record For Longest Stream Lying Dead On Camera

12/11/2017 - Emporia, Kansas Named Best Small Town In America To Escape From

12/11/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 11, 2017

12/11/2017 - Time Capsule Discovered In Rear End Of Jesus Statue

12/11/2017 - Study Finds Controlling, Possessive Behavior Most Pure Expression Of Love

12/8/2017 - Australian Politician Asks Partner To Marry Him During Same-Sex Marriage Debate

12/8/2017 - Bitcoin Plunge Reveals Possible Vulnerabilities In Crazy Imaginary Internet Money

12/8/2017 - Panicked Donald Trump Jr. Tries To Cover Up Contact With WikiLeaks By Deleting Firefox Icon From Desktop

12/8/2017 - New GOP Tax Plan Requires Welfare Recipients To Apply For Each Individual Piece Of Food

12/8/2017 - Recording Academy Reminds Aging Musicians To Die Before December 15 To Be Included In 2017 Grammy Tributes

12/8/2017 - Bitcoin On Path To Functioning Just Like Real Currency After Small Concentration Of People Acquire Majority Of It

12/8/2017 - Department Of Labor Response Team Seals Off Toxic Workplace Environment

12/8/2017 - New NFL Safety Rule Requires Players To Be Careful 

12/8/2017 - Woman With Transplanted Uterus Gives Birth For First Time In U.S.

12/7/2017 - 'You're Right' Audience Shouts Epic Takedown Of Donald Trump In Unison With Host Sebastian Moore

12/7/2017 - RNC: ‘We Warned You Gay Marriage Would Be A Slippery Slope Toward Accepting Pedophilia’

12/7/2017 - NFL Revokes Roger Goodell’s New Contract After He Fails Physical

12/7/2017 - Line Of Lizards Winding Out Door Outside National Geographic Casting Office

12/7/2017 - Time Magazine Names #MeToo 'Silence Breakers' As Person Of The Year

12/7/2017 - Frustrated Wildfire Spends Hours Stuck In L.A. Traffic

12/7/2017 - Bel-Air Homeowners Association Issues Fine To Resident With Unapproved Wildfire In Front Yard

12/7/2017 - Al Franken: ‘I’m Deeply Sorry For My Hilarious Actions’

12/7/2017 - Report: 83% Of Player Pianos Set Off By Gunfight

12/7/2017 - God Reveals Jerusalem Actually Only 87th Holiest Site On Earth

12/7/2017 - Ohio State Self-Reported Secondary Violations They Just Assume Currently Happening

12/7/2017 - Can You Hapless Fuckwits At Least Handle An Omelette?

12/7/2017 - Study Finds Man Starting ‘Analyze This’ During Flight To Boston Currently Happiest Person In America

12/7/2017 - Doctors Stumped By Man's 'Do Not Resuscitate' Tattoo

12/7/2017 - Dazed Mike Pence Wakes Up 15 Miles Outside D.C. After Asking God To Deliver Him From Evil

12/6/2017 - Beijing Restaurants Sells Out Of North Korean Beer After Sanctions Take Effect

12/6/2017 - Russian Olympic Coach Gently Breaks News To Hulking 200-Pound Gymnast That She Won’t Be Competing In South Korea

12/6/2017 - Trump Promises U.S. Will Continue To Recognize, Preserve Palestinians' Historic Refugee Camps

12/6/2017 - RNC Taps Dennis Hastert To Lead New Youth Outreach Program

12/6/2017 - Woman Getting All Defensive About Inherent Worth And Selfhood

12/6/2017 - Depressed Matt Lauer Up All Night Rewatching 8-Second Clip Of Career Highlights

12/6/2017 - How To Sharpen Your Knife With Your Sword

12/6/2017 - ‘Stranger Things’ Star Stranded In Bali

12/6/2017 - Shopping At Retail Stores Vs. Thrift Stores

12/6/2017 - Lakers Add Buffalo Chicken Wing Stains To Shaquille O'Neal's Retired Jersey

12/6/2017 - FDA Confirms Psilocybin Reduces Risk Of Mindlessly Following Society’s Rules Like Fucking Lemming

12/6/2017 - Patagonia Introduces New High-Performance Jacket Specially Designed To Protect Wearer On Walk Between Front Door And Car

12/6/2017 - Holiday Bizarre

12/5/2017 - How Russia Infiltrates Your Social Media Feed

12/5/2017 - Supreme Court Hears Argument On Anti-Gay Cake Shop

12/5/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of December 5, 2017

12/5/2017 - Ryan Zinke Comes Out In Support Of Controversial Wildfire

12/5/2017 - New RNC Ad Endorses Roy Moore: ‘He’s A Scumbag, But He’s Our Scumbag’

12/5/2017 - Masterpiece Cakeshop Case Declared Mistrial After Clarence Thomas Tampers With Evidence

12/5/2017 - ‘I’ll Have To Obstruct One Last Thing,’ Whispers Jared Kushner Before Wrapping Gloved Hands Around Mueller’s Neck

12/5/2017 - Alabama Forced To Release Thousands Of Sex Offenders After Inmates Deny Charges

12/5/2017 - How To Make Slow-Cooked Russet Potatoes That Fall Right Off The Bone

12/5/2017 - Son’s Friend The Kind Who Always Gets Nosebleeds

12/5/2017 - Honey, Step Aside And Let A Real Man Show You How To Build-A-Bear

12/5/2017 - Browns Encourage Dissatisfied Fans To At Least Stick It Out Until End Of Season 

12/5/2017 - Morrissey To No Longer Give Print Interviews

12/5/2017 - NASA Celebrates 60th Anniversary Of Launching First Moon To Orbit Earth

12/5/2017 - Nation’s Sleep Experts Recommend Cutting Down On Strobe Light Before Bedtime

12/4/2017 - CVS To Buy Aetna For $69 Billion

12/4/2017 - 'You're Right' Host Sebastian Moore Asks For Donations To Attend $100,000-A-Plate Trump Fundraiser So He Can Tell President To Go To Hell

12/4/2017 - Mueller Loses Visual On Oval Office Camera After Trump Spills A1 Sauce On Bust Of Winston Churchill

12/4/2017 - FCC Chair Unveils Premium Comment Line To Fast-Track Net Neutrality Complaints For $49.99 Per Month

12/4/2017 - Couple On Verge Of Breaking Up Has Mind-Blowing Aquarium Visit

12/4/2017 - Royal Scandals Throughout History

12/4/2017 - ‘Football Saved My Life,’ Says Man Who Will Be Left Paralyzed By Sport

12/4/2017 - Man With 3 Kids Going To Make Great Father Someday

12/4/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 4, 2017

12/4/2017 - World-Class Sushi In Newark Airport

12/4/2017 - God Announces Plans To Take A Few Millennia To Focus On Storms

12/4/2017 - Negligent Oaf Sloppily Packs Away Board Game Without So Much As A Thought To Future Players

12/2/2017 - GOP Leaders Celebrate Passing Point Of No Return

12/1/2017 - Flynn Pleads Guilty To Lying To FBI, But, Worst Of All, Lying To Himself

12/1/2017 - White Guy Held Accountable For Crime

12/1/2017 - ‘Sometimes It Feels Like You’re The Only One Who Understands Me,’ Whispers Trump To White House Roach Infestation

12/1/2017 - Tesla Builds World's Biggest Battery In Australia

12/1/2017 - Matt Lauer Returns To Today Show Following 2-Day Suspension

12/1/2017 - New 'This Is SportsCenter' Commercial Features Otto The Syracuse Orange Laying Off Staffers

12/1/2017 - ‘I Used To Look Up To You,’ Shouts Anguished Flynn Jr. Running Out Of Room After Learning Father A Perjurer

12/1/2017 - Mueller: 'Well, We Got The Liar. Probe's Over'

12/1/2017 - White House Begins Christmas Season With Ceremonial Lighting Of Cross

12/1/2017 - Glitch In Country Allows Citizens To Temporarily Walk Through Tables

12/1/2017 - Reindeer Massacre In Norway

12/1/2017 - Leah Remini Rediscovers Her Faith In Scientology After Going Through Difficult Point In Life