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2017 February
2/28/2017 - Ruby Tuesday Waiter Warns Jill Stein Her Green Party Response To Trump Speech Disrupting Other Diners
2/28/2017 - Pence Passing Time During Trump’s Speech By Mentally Baptizing Senators
2/28/2017 - Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests
2/28/2017 - Acoustic-Guitar-Wielding Trump Tells Congress ‘This Here’s The Story Of America’
2/28/2017 - Melania Trump Looks Down On Husband From Gallery With Loving Grimace
2/28/2017 - Jake Hyland Of Kansas City, MO Chosen As Nation’s Designated Survivor In Case Rest Of Country Wiped Out During Presidential Address
2/28/2017 - Chicago Sets Warm Winter Record
2/28/2017 - The Onion’s Live Coverage Of President Trump’s Address To Congress
2/28/2017 - Kid Coming From P.E. Spends Entire Math Class Absolutely Drenched In Sweat
2/28/2017 - No Trigger Warning
2/28/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 28, 2017
2/28/2017 - Tips For Speed Reading
2/28/2017 - Trump To Skip Correspondents’ Dinner
2/27/2017 - ‘Moonlight’ Named Best Picture After Mishap
2/27/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 27, 2017
2/27/2017 - How To Protect Yourself Against Hackers
2/27/2017 - What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle
2/27/2017 - Blake Griffin Claims Basketball Seems Much Rounder Lately
2/27/2017 - ‘I’d Like The Crispy Chicken Sandwich’ First Truthful Thing Man Has Said In Weeks
2/27/2017 - How To Conquer A Fear Of Public Speaking
2/27/2017 - Freelancer Loves Being Able To Barely Scrape By Livelihood On Own Schedule
2/27/2017 - Sweden Seeking ‘Sex Break’ During Workday
2/27/2017 - Oscars 2017: The Onion’s Complete Coverage Of Some Trophies And Shit
2/27/2017 - God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice
2/26/2017 - Large Mirror Brought Out Onto Oscars Stage Gets Resounding 6-Minute Standing Ovation
2/26/2017 - Dolby Theatre Usher Throws Out Matt Damon For Attempting To Film Oscars With Camcorder
2/26/2017 - Amazing Affleck Brothers Dazzle Oscars Audience With High-Flying Trapeze Routine
2/26/2017 - Oscars Officials Warn Only Famous Actors Permitted To Get Political In Acceptance Speech
2/26/2017 - Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe
2/26/2017 - Constrictive Dress Severs Rachel McAdams At Waist
2/26/2017 - ‘The Onion’ Formally Invites All Oscars Attendees To Our Official After-Party In The Village Of Sakteng, Bhutan
2/26/2017 - 5 Things To Watch For At The Academy Awards
2/25/2017 - The Academy Awards: Honoring The Greatest Achievement In Shameless Self-Indulgence
2/25/2017 - ‘Wall Street Journal’ Reintroduces Nudes After Failed Yearlong Experiment
2/24/2017 - How Hollywood Can Address The Gender Gap
2/24/2017 - Study: Bees Capable Of Complex Learning
2/24/2017 - Can You Still Be Sexy After 50?
2/24/2017 - Child Protective Services Take 80 Million Children Into Custody After Discovering No One In Country Fit To Be Parent
2/24/2017 - Kremlin Agent Not Even Going To Bother Trying To Compromise Trump Staffer Who Will Be Forced To Resign In Few Months
2/24/2017 - 5 Things To Know About TRAPPIST-1
2/24/2017 - The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks
2/24/2017 - Jerry Jones Unveils Plans For Extravagant 100,000-Seat Cowboys Owner’s Box
2/24/2017 - The Onion Reviews ‘La La Land’
2/24/2017 - Harvard Names Rihanna Humanitarian Of The Year
2/24/2017 - Shy Ex-Citigroup Executive Struggling To Fit In With Popular Clique Of Ex–Goldman Sachs Executives At White House
2/23/2017 - Trump Rolls Back Transgender Protections
2/23/2017 - Most Endangered Species
2/23/2017 - Key Halftime Adjustments Propel Fourth-Grade Rec Basketball Team To 8-Point Third Quarter
2/23/2017 - Nation’s Schools To Ensure Bullied Transgender Students Hide In Stalls Of Bathrooms Corresponding To Biological Sex
2/23/2017 - Man Unsure How Fellow Diners Got Impression Appetizer Was Ordered For Table
2/23/2017 - Frustrated Russian Officials Struggling To Get Any Policies Through Dysfunctional Trump Administration
2/23/2017 - Report: Still A Few Seconds Left Where Plane Low Enough To Crash With Everyone Surviving
2/23/2017 - 2016 Sees Record Number Of Female-Led Films
2/23/2017 - Man Leaves Position He Would Kill For 3 Years From Now To Pursue Dream Job
2/22/2017 - Monopoly To Replace Thimble Piece
2/22/2017 - How To Gain Confidence
2/22/2017 - Expert On International Jewish Conspiracy Has Never Been More Than 40 Miles Outside Council Bluffs, Iowa
2/22/2017 - Steve Bannon Marks Draft Of Executive Order He Likes With Noxious Pheromone Secretion
2/22/2017 - Daily Meditation Really Helping Man Stay Self-Centered
2/22/2017 - ‘What If We Try This?’ Asks Robotics Grad Student About To Eliminate 30% Of Workforce
2/22/2017 - A Timeline Of The EPA
2/22/2017 - Lowe’s Debuts New Travel Plunger With Collapsible Handle
2/22/2017 - Goose Suddenly Realizes It Doesn’t Have To Honk Like An Idiot Entire Time It’s Flapping Wings
2/22/2017 - Police Finally Make Breakthrough In Decades-Old Marijuana Possession Cold Case
2/22/2017 - Legalizing Gay Marriage Lowers Teen Suicide
2/22/2017 - 30-Million-Year-Old Species Worried It Doesn’t Have Another Evolution In It
2/21/2017 - Milo Yiannopoulos’ Book Canceled
2/21/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 21, 2017
2/21/2017 - Popular Mnemonic Devices
2/21/2017 - Oscars So Right
2/21/2017 - 8-Year-Old Can Already Tell Image Of Dad Puking Stuck In Memory Forever
2/21/2017 - NBA Fan Still Hasn’t Gotten Used To Seeing Zaza Pachulia In A Warriors Uniform
2/21/2017 - Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday
2/21/2017 - The Safest Place To Be During A Tornado Is In My Arms
2/21/2017 - FBI Panicking After Learning Encrypted National Security Communications May Have Been Intercepted By Trump Administration
2/21/2017 - Man Struggling To Pierce Orange Peel With Fingernail Under Impression He Could Kill If He Had To
2/20/2017 - Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices
2/20/2017 - Warm, Syrupy Pleasure Coursing Through Man’s Veins After Big Hit Of Mattress
2/20/2017 - Expiration Labels Get An Update
2/20/2017 - Last Remaining Ivory-Billed Woodpecker Really Squandering Species’ Final Weeks
2/20/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 20, 2017
2/20/2017 - A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life
2/19/2017 - The American Presidency
2/17/2017 - Notable Hidden Bank Fees
2/17/2017 - American Girl Introduces Male Doll
2/17/2017 - Onion Fact Checks: President Trump’s Press Conference
2/17/2017 - Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia
2/17/2017 - A Primer On History’s Greatest Presidents
2/17/2017 - Trump Staffer Grateful To Work With So Many People He Could Turn Over To FBI In Exchange For Immunity
2/17/2017 - Pickup Football Pioneer Credited With Idea For ‘5 Mississippi’ Blitz Count Dead At 94
2/17/2017 - Humiliated Man Discovers Embroidery On His Jean Pockets
2/17/2017 - Open-Minded Man Tries To Get News From Variety Of Facebook Friends
2/17/2017 - ‘Love Actually’ Sequel In The Works
2/17/2017 - Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy
2/16/2017 - Scientists Propose Rebuilding Arctic Ice
2/16/2017 - Gary Bettman Issues Pardon For Steve Yzerman’s 1997 Slashing Penalty
2/16/2017 - Color Drains From Michael Flynn’s Face After Single Red Dahlia Drops Out Of Envelope From Russian Intelligence
2/16/2017 - Steve Bannon’s Inflamed Liver Pulsing Visibly Through Shirt During Strategy Meeting
2/16/2017 - Mar-A-Lago Member Complains About Loud, Obnoxious Cabinet Meeting At Next Table
2/16/2017 - 26-Year-Old Feeling Self-Conscious After Seeing All His Friends Fail Slightly Less Than Him
2/16/2017 - Top Benefits Of Drinking Water
2/16/2017 - Grayson Allen Putting In Countless Hours At Gym Practicing Cheap Shot
2/16/2017 - Scientists Approve Gene Editing In Embryos
2/16/2017 - Surgeon General Recommends Twisting Head Far Enough Until You Hear Little Pop
2/16/2017 - Everyday Internet Safety Tips
2/15/2017 - German Shepherd Wins Best In Show At Westminster
2/15/2017 - Surgically Altered Obama Doubles Struggling To Find Work After Presidency
2/15/2017 - What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia
2/15/2017 - Report: Majority Of Diner’s Salt And Pepper Shakers Currently Being Used To Diagram Elaborately Planned Bank Heists
2/15/2017 - How To Increase Employee Productivity
2/14/2017 - Michael Flynn Resigns
2/14/2017 - Paul Ryan Grudgingly Impressed By Angry Protester Who’s Matched His Running Pace For 9 Miles
2/14/2017 - A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History
2/14/2017 - Baylor Removes Sign Above Locker Room Door Featuring Motivational Art Briles Quote
2/14/2017 - America Celebrates Valentine’s Day
2/14/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 14, 2017
2/14/2017 - Cheap Date Ideas
2/14/2017 - Wall’s Fair In Love And War
2/14/2017 - Tupperware Will Never Truly Recover From Red Curry Leftovers
2/14/2017 - Mental Illness Determined Not To Let Stigma Of Area Man Define It
2/13/2017 - Tips For Headache Relief
2/13/2017 - Scientists Developing Pollinating ‘Bee Drones’
2/13/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Stephen Miller
2/13/2017 - Neil Gorsuch Vows To Interpret Constitution Using Scalia’s Original Intent
2/13/2017 - Officials Struggling To Condense Trump’s Intelligence Briefing Down To One Word
2/13/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Planned Parenthood
2/13/2017 - Vacationing Uncle Posts Terse, Emotionless Facebook Update From Cruise Ship
2/13/2017 - Alcoholic’s Plan For Turning Life Around Doesn’t Involve Getting Sober
2/13/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 13, 2017
2/13/2017 - Vizio Charged With Tracking TV Viewers
2/10/2017 - George And Amal Clooney Expecting Twins
2/10/2017 - Steve Bannon Mixes Discarded Climate Change Report With Saliva To Build Final Wall Of Nest
2/10/2017 - Nation’s Outfoxed Sheriffs Shake Heads, Throw Hats In Dirt
2/10/2017 - Heavy Lifting Could Affect Fertility
2/9/2017 - Twitter Earnings Continue To Fall
2/9/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Elizabeth Warren
2/9/2017 - Journalist Wondering Where To Mention Getting Yelled At By U.S. President In Article
2/9/2017 - How To Start A Community Garden
2/9/2017 - Pope Francis Sneaks Leftovers To False God Moloch At Back Door Of St. Peter’s Basilica
2/9/2017 - How To Brew Your Own Beer
2/9/2017 - Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction
2/9/2017 - 25% Of U.S. Adults Suffer Hearing Loss
2/8/2017 - Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s
2/8/2017 - Betsy DeVos Confirmed As Education Secretary
2/8/2017 - Report: Women Only Made Up 2.7% Of Video Game Bosses Last Year
2/8/2017 - Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For
2/8/2017 - Secret Service Adds Emotional Protection Division To Safeguard Trump’s Psyche
2/8/2017 - If I Could Do It All Over Again, I’d Probably Have A Few Possessions
2/8/2017 - Uber Developing Flying Cars
2/8/2017 - Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Approve Of Child Labor Laws But Agree That Kids Carrying Briefcases Would Be Cute
2/7/2017 - How DeVos Plans To Change The Department Of Education
2/7/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Richard Spencer
2/7/2017 - Sanders, Cruz To Debate Obamacare
2/7/2017 - Tips For Writing A Research Paper
2/7/2017 - Biologists Confirm Foxes Sneakiest Little Fuckers In Animal Kingdom
2/7/2017 - Report: Holy Shit, There Still 50 Minutes Left In Movie
2/7/2017 - Top 5 Ways To Prevent Heart Disease
2/7/2017 - Device Squad
2/7/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 7, 2017
2/7/2017 - Conscience Quietly Let Go As Paul Ryan Policy Advisor
2/7/2017 - ‘March For Science’ Planned For Earth Day
2/6/2017 - Super Bowl LI: Looking Back At The Greatest First Half In Falcons History
2/6/2017 - Patriots Win Super Bowl
2/6/2017 - Employee Totally Crushes Presentation Of Idea That Will Soon Bankrupt Company
2/6/2017 - Fans Gather At Airport To Greet Carry Crates Containing Puppy Bowl Winners
2/6/2017 - Steve Bannon Slurps Still-Twitching Tail Into Mouth Before Giving Opinion On Syria
2/6/2017 - Study: Majority Of Humans Happiest When Rest Of Family Still Asleep
2/6/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 6, 2017
2/6/2017 - Hillary Clinton Signs 2 Book Deals
2/6/2017 - Mike Pence Disappointed God Has Never Asked Him To Kill One Of Own Children
2/5/2017 - Bill Belichick Gazes Fondly At Absence Of Reflection In Vince Lombardi Trophy
2/5/2017 - Roger Goodell Dumps Box With Broken Pieces Of Lombardi Trophy In Front Of Tom Brady
2/5/2017 - Tom Brady Dedicates Patriots’ Victory To America’s Cold-Blooded Goliaths
2/5/2017 - Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots
2/5/2017 - Super Bowl Halftime Show Ends With Freddie Falcon Pecking Out Lady Gaga’s Eyes
2/5/2017 - Lady Gaga Panics After Hearing Name Called For Halftime Show While Waiting In Line For Bathroom
2/5/2017 - Area Man Totally Screwing Up Order Of Snack Consumption During Super Bowl Party
2/5/2017 - Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows
2/5/2017 - Official Sprints Through Giant Inflatable Referee Hat To Take Field For Super Bowl
2/5/2017 - Controversial Puppy Bowl Star Shits During National Anthem
2/4/2017 - What’s Next For Hillary Clinton?
2/3/2017 - Nordstrom Drops Ivanka Trump Brand
2/3/2017 - NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’
2/3/2017 - Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl LI
2/3/2017 - Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him
2/3/2017 - The Puppy Bowl: It’s Not Whether You Get Back Up, It’s Whether You Get Put Down
2/3/2017 - D.C. Authorities Struggling To Keep Squatters Out Of Empty State Department
2/3/2017 - Roger Goodell Lays Wreath At National Football League Cemetery In Super Bowl Tradition
2/3/2017 - Fearful Americans Stockpiling Facts Before Federal Government Comes To Take Them Away
2/3/2017 - Eric Trump Scolds Father That He Mustn’t Inquire About The Businesses, For He’s Sworn Not To Tell
2/3/2017 - $500 Million Upgrade Planned For Willis Tower
2/2/2017 - Beyonce Pregnant With Twins
2/2/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Milo Yiannopoulos
2/2/2017 - How Executive Orders Work
2/2/2017 - Report: That Was Very Stupid Thing To Say
2/2/2017 - How To Deliver Constructive Criticism
2/2/2017 - Prison Now Allowing Death Row Inmates To Receive Weekly Visitors Throughout Executions
2/2/2017 - Vulture Feeling Nauseous After Eating Bad Rotting Deer Carcass
2/2/2017 - Nation’s Stomach Ulcers Predict Trump Administration Will Provide Opportunities For Unlimited Growth In 2017
2/2/2017 - Is The Media Biased Against Trump?
2/2/2017 - NFL Announces Super Bowl Tickets Only Available For Purchase One Hour Before Kickoff At Stadium Box Office
2/2/2017 - ‘White Privilege’ Essay Contest Sparks Backlash
2/2/2017 - Denny’s Introduces New 3,000-Spider-Egg Omelet
2/1/2017 - Chemicals Found In Fast Food Packaging
2/1/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Neil Gorsuch
2/1/2017 - Trump Hails Gorsuch As Fierce Protector Of Future Amendment Allowing President To Temporarily Suspend Right To Assemble
2/1/2017 - World Agrees To Just Take Down Internet For A While Until They Can Find A Good Use For It
2/1/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Tom Brady
2/1/2017 - Burmese Python Shocked At Amount Of Stress Man Holding In His Neck
2/1/2017 - Bobcat Escapes National Zoo