3/31/2017 - Manatees Removed From Endangered Species List

3/31/2017 - 26 Delicious Ways To Discover A Shellfish Allergy

3/31/2017 - Beauty Industry Exec Keeps Photo Of Crying 15-Year-Old Girl On Desk To Remind Himself Why He Does This

3/31/2017 - WWE Announces WrestleMania 33 Theme Will Be Springtime In Paris

3/31/2017 - How Presidential Approval Ratings Are Calculated

3/31/2017 - Woman’s Primal Instincts Activate To Protect Nearly Finished Glass Of Wine From Approaching Server

3/31/2017 - Goody Introduces New Line Of Governess Hairbrushes For Raking Across The Scalps Of Insolent Little Girls

3/31/2017 - Hardee’s, Carl’s Jr. End ‘Sexy’ Ads

3/31/2017 - Health Scare Prompts Man To Start Overeating Healthier

3/30/2017 - Marathon Running Could Cause Kidney Injury

3/30/2017 - Queen Elizabeth Frantically Trying To Preserve European Alliances By Arranging Great-Grandchildren’s Marriages

3/30/2017 - Former Cavaliers Mascot Whammer Spotted At Cleveland Game In Wizards Jersey

3/30/2017 - A Primer On The Dark Web

3/30/2017 - Mike Pence Asks Waiter To Remove Mrs. Butterworth From Table Until Wife Arrives

3/30/2017 - Goose Does Pretty Decent Job Shitting All Over High School Track

3/30/2017 - How To Self-Publish A Book

3/30/2017 - Flu Can’t Wait To Get The Fuck Out Of Area Man’s Body

3/30/2017 - Man Suddenly Realizes He Was Duped By Commercial’s Romanticized Vision Of Canned Beans

3/30/2017 - Children Suffering Burns From Homemade ‘Slime’

3/30/2017 - Man Has Been Meaning To Catch Up On Whole Of Human Artistic Endeavor

3/29/2017 - Activists Charged For Undercover Planned Parenthood Recordings

3/29/2017 - Parents Assure Scared Child There’s No Such Thing As Skip Bayless

3/29/2017 - Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

3/29/2017 - Why Does It Seem Like Movie Ratings Are So Much Harder On Willem Dafoe Sex Than Willem Dafoe Violence?

3/29/2017 - Planning The Perfect Road Trip

3/29/2017 - Fender Releases New Hybrid Gas-Electric Guitar

3/29/2017 - 34-Year-Old Woman Anxiously Realizes She Doesn’t Have Much Time Left To Have Career

3/29/2017 - Last Vestiges Of Net On Old Backyard Goal Fluttering In Wind Like Bullet-Riddled Battle Flag

3/29/2017 - Trump Unveils Sprawling New Presidential Retreat Where He Can Escape From Stresses Of Mar-A-Lago

3/29/2017 - Study: Breastfeeding Doesn’t Make Babies Smarter

3/29/2017 - NRA Recommends Preventing Firearm Deaths By Securing Children In Locked Safe

3/28/2017 - How To Cope With Romantic Rejection

3/28/2017 - World’s Largest Dinosaur Print Found In Australia

3/28/2017 - NHL Commemorates 25th Anniversary Of First Ice Game

3/28/2017 - Second-Grader In Gym Class Fucking Amazing At Pull-Ups

3/28/2017 - Jared Kushner Quietly Transfers ‘Solve Middle East Crisis’ To Next Week’s To-Do List

3/28/2017 - Sandwich Previously Thought Incapable Of Looking More Depressing Flattened In Backpack

3/28/2017 - Sting Operation

3/28/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 28, 2017

3/28/2017 - ‘Bathroom Bill’ Will Cost North Carolina $3.7 Billion

3/28/2017 - Report: Economy Must Be Doing Pretty Well If Entire Season Of ‘Bones’ Online For Free

3/27/2017 - Ways To Sneak Exercise Into Your Daily Routine

3/27/2017 - Girls Banned From Flight For Wearing Leggings

3/27/2017 - Study Finds Suspicious Circumstances Still Leading Cause Of Death In Russia

3/27/2017 - GOP Makes Good On 2009 Promise To Block President’s Healthcare Bill

3/27/2017 - Depressed Crab Stays Buried Under Sand Until 2 P.M.

3/27/2017 - Parrots Support Theory That Laughter Is Contagious

3/27/2017 - Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

3/27/2017 - Report: Catcher’s Hand Hurts

3/27/2017 - CEO Unveils Bold New Plan To Undo Damage From Last Year’s Bold New Plan

3/27/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 27, 2017

3/27/2017 - Mar-A-Lago Assistant Manager Wondering If Anyone Coming To Collect Nuclear Briefcase From Lost And Found

3/24/2017 - Tips For A Safe Spring Break

3/24/2017 - 12-Year-Old Who Got Her Hair Curled For Spring Dance The Very Image Of Old Hollywood Glamour

3/24/2017 - Brandin Cooks Receives Call From Tom Brady Saying How Excited He Is To Be Tom Brady

3/24/2017 - Top 10 Spring Break Destinations

3/24/2017 - Stoned Extraterrestrial Stumbles Across Hidden Message After Listening To Golden Record Backwards

3/24/2017 - Friend Of Bruce Springsteen Has Been Thinking Of Excuses To Avoid Checking Out His Band For 50 Years

3/24/2017 - Fashion Week Diversity Improving

3/24/2017 - DC Executive Worried Batgirl Script Not Interesting Enough To Be Movie, 3 More Movies, 2028 Reboot And 4 More Movies

3/24/2017 - John Calipari Hoping Kentucky Stars Stick Around For Rest Of Tournament

3/24/2017 - Audubon Society Revokes Black-Capped Chickadee’s Membership After Species Fails To Pay Dues

3/23/2017 - A Primer On Famous Constellations

3/23/2017 - Military Aides Try To Cheer Up Kim Jong-Un After Failed Missile Launch By Putting On Surprise Execution

3/23/2017 - Hundreds Of Blind, Pallid Disney Characters Discovered Living In Caves Deep Within Space Mountain

3/23/2017 - Silicon Valley By The Numbers

3/23/2017 - Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

3/23/2017 - ‘Capital One Is A Terrible Bank,’ Says Charles Barkley In New Capital One Commercial

3/23/2017 - ‘Yes, But How Did He Die?’ Ghoulish American Public Asks Of Recent Celebrity Death While Rubbing Delicate, Bony Hands Together And Smiling Thinly

3/23/2017 - Yellowstone Places Old Faithful On 6-Month Loan To Acadia National Park

3/23/2017 - Sesame Street Introduces Autistic Character

3/23/2017 - Report: Anxiety Disorders Induced By Trump Presidency Not Covered Under GOP Health Bill

3/22/2017 - Man Sets Unsustainable Precedent Of Saying Hello To Coworker Every Morning

3/22/2017 - Study Finds Average American Hopes No One Saw That 12 Times Per Day

3/22/2017 - Sessions Rattles Baton Along Prison Bars In Speech Vowing To Crack Down On Violent Crime

3/22/2017 - Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

3/22/2017 - Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

3/22/2017 - Here’s Why You’re Wrong

3/22/2017 - Honey Nut Cheerios Pulls Bee Mascot

3/22/2017 - How To Find The Right Therapist

3/22/2017 - Woman Devises Latest Delusional Scheme For Burning Extra Calories During Workday

3/22/2017 - Study Finds 73% Of Marble Statuettes Of Achilles Used To Beat To Death Wealthy Dowager

3/22/2017 - Styrofoam Coffee Cup From Omaha Excited To Finally See Pacific Ocean

3/21/2017 - Trump Expecting Ninth Grandchild

3/21/2017 - FBI Calls For Increased Surveillance Powers To Keep Pace With Evolving Threat Of Presidential Administrations

3/21/2017 - CDC By The Numbers

3/21/2017 - Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

3/21/2017 - Johnnie B. Dead

3/21/2017 - How To Make A Long-Distance Relationship Work

3/21/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 21, 2017

3/21/2017 - New Evidence Reveals Christ Lounged In Tomb For Extra Hour Before Finally Rising From Grave

3/21/2017 - Norway Ranked Happiest Nation On Earth

3/20/2017 - Tips For Surviving Allergy Season

3/20/2017 - Oxford Comma Wins Court Case For Workers

3/20/2017 - ‘Could’ve Been Me,’ Grumbles Merrick Garland Watching Gorsuch Hearings At Bar With Fellow Highway Maintenance Workers

3/20/2017 - Aides Wrestle Drill From Trump’s Hands As He Tries To Remove Obama Listening Device From Skull

3/20/2017 - Nation Thrilled Grayson Allen Returned To Duke For One More Crushing NCAA Loss

3/20/2017 - Leaf That Came Out Too Early Cold As Shit

3/20/2017 - Man Keeping Running Total Of How Many People In Gym In Worse Shape Than Him

3/20/2017 - God Seeking To Crack Down On Souls Smuggling Drugs Into Heaven

3/20/2017 - Report: Nearby Conversation Definitely Just Got Quiet To Prevent You From Hearing It

3/20/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 20, 2017

3/20/2017 - Burger Sold At Auction For $10,000

3/18/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Netflix

3/17/2017 - Jim Nantz Wonders Aloud What Holding Basketball Like

3/17/2017 - Tips For Urban Biking

3/17/2017 - NCAA Tournament Really Disrupting Man’s Ability To Get Any Fucking Around Done

3/17/2017 - Study: Climate Shaped Human Noses

3/17/2017 - Toddler Just Looking For Sensible Mid-Range Tricycle

3/17/2017 - Grayson Allen Recalls Struggle Growing Up Without Any Principles

3/17/2017 - Convict Sentenced To Generating $80,000 To $100,000 In Profits For Private Prison

3/17/2017 - Oceans Must Be Cooled To Protect Coral Reef

3/17/2017 - Report: Oh, Fuck Yeah, Egg Yolk Dripping All Over Sandwich

3/17/2017 - Gaunt, Hollow-Eyed Big Bird Enters Sixth Day Of Hunger Strike Against Proposed Trump Budget

3/16/2017 - Most Popular Exotic Pets

3/16/2017 - Ivana Trump To Publish Memoir

3/16/2017 - ‘Curses!’ Shouts Fist-Shaking Meals On Wheels Ringleader As Trump Cuts Off Gravy Train

3/16/2017 - Trump’s Budget Proposal: What You Need To Know

3/16/2017 - Trump Says Wasteful NEA Hasn’t Produced Single Valuable Work Since Claes Oldenburg’s ‘Giant Three-Way Plug’

3/16/2017 - Federal Judge Pencils Blocking Trump’s Unconstitutional Executive Orders Into Monthly Schedule

3/16/2017 - ‘I Have Four Young Children,’ Says Kellyanne Conway In Most Disturbing Public Statement To Date

3/16/2017 - Indianapolis-Area Prostitute Unnerved By Rick Pitino Referring To Her As His Cinderella

3/16/2017 - E-Book Sales Fall In Favor Of Print

3/15/2017 - ‘Matrix’ Reboot In The Works

3/15/2017 - How To Develop A Successful App

3/15/2017 - Mitch McConnell Sees Infinite Healthcare Plans After Dropping Acid To Inspire Ideas For Obamacare Replacement

3/15/2017 - Report: Saying ‘Smells Okay’ Precedes 85% Of Foodborne Illnesses Annually

3/15/2017 - Newly Discovered Journal Entries Reveal Sacagawea’s Repeated Attempts To Ditch Lewis And Clark

3/15/2017 - Innovative Business Always On The Cutting Edge Of What Other Companies Have Been Doing For A Few Years

3/15/2017 - Woman’s Head Feared Lost Forever Inside Infinity Scarf

3/15/2017 - Infant Injuries On The Rise

3/14/2017 - 24 Million Would Lose Coverage Under GOP Health Plan

3/14/2017 - The Pros And Cons Of Quitting Social Media

3/14/2017 - Report: It Unclear Whether Opposition From Every Sector Of American Society Will Have Any Effect On Healthcare Bill Passing

3/14/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Paul Ryan

3/14/2017 - Report: You To Learn Names Of 3 Reprehensible Public Officials This Week

3/14/2017 - NASA By The Numbers

3/14/2017 - Lofty Ambitions To Shovel Entire Width Of Driveway Scaled Back To Only Shoveling Thin Path For Car

3/14/2017 - Point-Of-Purchase Of No Return

3/14/2017 - Shaq Wondering When People In Southern Hemisphere Have March Madness

3/14/2017 - Dog’s Eye Gunk Wiped Back On Dog

3/14/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 14, 2017

3/14/2017 - Trump In Possible Trouble For Tweets

3/14/2017 - Report: You’re Supposed To Tip Supermarket Cashiers, You Son Of A Bitch

3/13/2017 - Parents’ Most Common Expenditures

3/13/2017 - Oil Discovered In Alaska

3/13/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Blizzard Preparedness

3/13/2017 - Excited White House Staffer Sends Parents ‘New York Times’ Article Quoting Her As Anonymous Source

3/13/2017 - GOP Recommends Americans Set Aside Income From One Of Their Jobs To Pay For Healthcare Under New Bill

3/13/2017 - Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

3/13/2017 - High School Teaches Parenting Skills By Having Students Post Nonstop Photos Of Egg To Social Media

3/13/2017 - Bannon’s Cyst Finally Ruptures

3/13/2017 - Man Putting Off Starting Family To Focus On Treading Water In Career For Few Years

3/13/2017 - Henry VIII’s Castle For Sale

3/13/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 13, 2017

3/12/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Daylight Saving Time

3/10/2017 - Tax Increase Could Save U.S. Infrastructure

3/10/2017 - How To Keep Your Personal Information Secure

3/10/2017 - Tips For Handling Office Conflict

3/10/2017 - High School Athlete On Crutches Walking Around Like Fallen Hero

3/10/2017 - Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

3/10/2017 - Man Still Worried Parents Of Ex-Girlfriend From 7 Years Ago Hate Him

3/10/2017 - Mar-A-Lago Caddy Injures Shoulder Carrying Heavy Set Of Classified National Security Briefings Around Golf Course

3/10/2017 - Queen Elizabeth Rushed To Hospital For Royal Blood Transfusion

3/10/2017 - Mother Of MMA Fighter Recalls Son Punching, Kicking Shit Out Of Everything From Early Age

3/10/2017 - Secret Facebook Group Posts Nude Photos Of Female Marines

3/9/2017 - St. Patrick’s Day Parade Excludes LGBT Veterans

3/9/2017 - Bears Release Quarterback With Highest Whining Percentage In NFL History

3/9/2017 - Looking Back On Jay Cutler: The Chicago Bears’ Greatest Quarterbitch

3/9/2017 - Samsung Smart TV Owner Learning About Majority Of Features From Leaked CIA Documents

3/9/2017 - Middle Couch Cushion Has Clearly Had Harder Life

3/9/2017 - Breaking: Emergency Room Top Potential Landing Spot For Tony Romo

3/9/2017 - 5 Things To Watch For At SXSW

3/9/2017 - Salad Suppliers Pledge To Continue Including Just Enough In Bag That Some Will Go Bad If You’re Single

3/9/2017 - Tips For Decluttering Your Home

3/9/2017 - Report: Chip In Mug Right Where Mouth Goes

3/9/2017 - A Look Back At Tony Romo: The Dallas Cowboys All-Time Leading Bone Breaker

3/9/2017 - Americans Having Less Sex Than In Previous Decades

3/9/2017 - Mar-A-Loco

3/8/2017 - ‘Day Without A Woman’ Sees Thousands Leave Work

3/8/2017 - ‘This Women’s Strike Won’t Accomplish Anything,’ Reports Man Who Will Boycott Upcoming ‘Avengers’ Movie

3/8/2017 - Women’s Strike A Sobering Reality Check For Subway Masturbator

3/8/2017 - Lesser-Known Rules Of Grammar

3/8/2017 - Rembrandt’s ‘Night Watch’ Falls Off Museum Wall After Sticky Tabs Come Loose

3/8/2017 - Man’s Genetic Predisposition For Heart Disease No Match For 10 Half-Assed Push-Ups He Does Couple Times A Week

3/8/2017 - Pope Francis Spotted Sunbathing Nude In St. Peter’s Square

3/8/2017 - Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

3/8/2017 - Sean Spicer Walking Around White House In Sunglasses And Baseball Cap To Avoid Press

3/8/2017 - Scientists Announce Shrimp Just As Dumb As They Thought

3/8/2017 - Man Forced To Reverse-Engineer Point In Midst Of Meandering, Absentminded Rant

3/8/2017 - Odds Of 2016 Audit Hit 13-Year Low

3/7/2017 - Tax Terms To Know

3/7/2017 - Supreme Court: Juries Can Be Examined For Racism

3/7/2017 - Man Unnerved By Uncanny Alternate Universe Of Restaurant’s Second Location

3/7/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Lent

3/7/2017 - Obamacare Vs. The GOP’s New Health Plan

3/7/2017 - Rodent Clearly Making Its Way Through Steve Bannon’s Body Throughout National Security Meeting

3/7/2017 - Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 7, 2017

3/7/2017 - Lemur Fantasizes About Ripping Face Off Next Dumbshit Who Calls It A Monkey

3/7/2017 - Trump Accuses Obama Of Wiretapping Him

3/7/2017 - Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

3/6/2017 - Pros And Cons Of Homeschooling

3/6/2017 - 5 Things To Know About Uber

3/6/2017 - NFL Scouting Combine To Phase Out Subjecting Draft Prospects To Vivisection

3/6/2017 - Social Media Linked To Increased Loneliness

3/6/2017 - Middle Eastern Man Not Sure How Many Days’ Worth Of Airport Detention Clothes To Pack

3/6/2017 - Study Finds Exposure To Violent Children Causes Increased Aggression In Video Game Characters

3/6/2017 - Publicist Confirms Komodo Dragon From ‘Skyfall’ Pregnant

3/6/2017 - God Getting Strong Urge To Bring Back Dinosaurs

3/6/2017 - Roommate Cooked Enough Of Gross Thing For Everyone

3/6/2017 - Heaven Prepares For Huge Rush Of College Kids Over Spring Break

3/6/2017 - Backstreet Boys Reunite For Las Vegas Residency

3/6/2017 - The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 6, 2017

3/3/2017 - Why Fewer Young People Are Getting Married

3/3/2017 - Adam Schefter Gives Sweets To Street Urchins Returning From NFL Front Offices With Whispers Of Free Agency Rumors

3/3/2017 - Biggest Challenges Of Working In An Office

3/3/2017 - 5 Things To Know About The Nintendo Switch

3/3/2017 - Completely Sober Employee Still Embarrassing Self At Company Party

3/3/2017 - Woman Who’s Been On The Pill For Years Thinking About Switching To New Set Of Debilitating Side Effects

3/3/2017 - Disciplinarian Parent Annoying Restaurant Much More Than Unruly Toddler Ever Could

3/3/2017 - Paul Ryan Mentally Logs 4,613th Missed Opportunity To Put Stop To All Of This

3/3/2017 - 87% Of Loud Crashing Noises Are Nothing, Report Top Experts From Other Room

3/3/2017 - Study: Wild Elephants Only Sleep 2 Hours Per Night

3/2/2017 - Tips For Potty Training Your Child

3/2/2017 - Joel Embiid To Miss Rest Of 3rd Rookie Season With Knee Injury

3/2/2017 - Colon Cancer On The Rise In Millennials

3/2/2017 - New NHL Promotion Allows Fans To Watch Game While Frozen Underneath Ice

3/2/2017 - Russian Officials Scrambling As Plan To Delegitimize Western Democracy Moving Way Faster Than Intended

3/2/2017 - Jeff Sessions Spits In Face Of FBI Interrogator Trying To Get Him To Turn On Trump

3/2/2017 - Heartbroken Russian Ambassador Thought Special Meetings With Jeff Sessions Were Very Memorable

3/2/2017 - Most Popular Young Adult Fiction Books

3/2/2017 - Area Man Accepts Burden Of Being Only Person On Earth Who Understands How World Actually Works

3/2/2017 - DNA Test Confirms Subway Chicken Only 50% Poultry

3/2/2017 - Ken Burns Not Sure How To Turn Down Ray Romano’s Repeated Offers To Narrate Next Documentary

3/1/2017 - Tips For A Midlife Career Change

3/1/2017 - Barack, Michelle Obama Get Book Deals

3/1/2017 - Onion Fact Checks: President Trump’s Joint Address

3/1/2017 - Woman Getting Stood Up On First Date Got All Drunk For Nothing

3/1/2017 - Mike Pence Clearly Went To Ash Wednesday Services Dozens Of Times

3/1/2017 - Scarf Tragically Lost In 15-Coat Pile-Up

3/1/2017 - The Onion’s Complete Coverage Of A Far More Measured And Presidential Teleprompter

3/1/2017 - Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

3/1/2017 - Bed Bugs Potentially Fatal

3/1/2017 - Buick Regal Named Best Vehicle In Class For Idling Outside Off-Track Betting Parlor

3/1/2017 - Man Trying To Leave Hateful Message At Local Synagogue Frustrated Phone Line Always Tied Up With Other Threats